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shallowrambles · 8 months

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It's fascinating to me how much I've changed my mind about Dean in The Trap. I'm waaaaay more sympathetic to the whole Cas-being-forgiven aspect of it, because yes, Cas apologized initially, but the root of the issue was Cas's painful withdrawal of his partnership and his withholding of critical information. Full stop. He and Dean are NOT equally culpable in this one.

It's not just about Mary and Jack, and yet Cas keeps pivoting to "Dean blaming him for Mary." Which oversimplifies the whole thing in a terrible way. Yes, they're all culpable, and yes they all saw that things were wrong with Jack, but next to Donatello, Cas is THE authority on souls and physically the strongest of TFW. To make matters worse, he all but demanded Dean to parent Jack and take care of Jack's emotions, even though Dean expressed discomfort over his memories of soulless Sam. Dean has repeatedly expressed how he wants Cas to be open and honest with him, especially now that they're co-parenting, and although Cas demanded Dean parent Jack, he then turned around and hid Big Parenting Stuff from him and went off to meet Anael.

Barring Cas's one feeble and poorly-timed, "I tried to fix it on my own because I was afraid of losing this family," he doesn't really spell out his part in the communication failures or apologize very well for withdrawing from Dean, specifically. He sorts of sulls up and say, "I already apologized and I'm not doing it again." Yet, Cas has a continued, longstanding pattern of withdrawal from the partnership. I'm floored that my Cas goggles kept me from seeing it before, and maybe I'm a little embarrassed, too. I mean, honestly, it's amazing that Dean takes him back at all. :/ Once you look past, "Oh no! Dean said mean things!" anyway.

I think by The Trap, Dean has given up trying to get Cas to change or hold him accountable for his lack of communication. Cas sort of gave Dean ultimatums over it, if you squint, and Dean rolled over. And Dean wants to get back together. He needs Cas's support and Cas need his. He looks at everything Cas is and decides that Cas's avoidance and want to protect the family is just woven into the fabric of him, and Dean decides to accept that. It's something he loves about him as much as he resents it. Cas's chivalry is a feature and a bug. Dean loves him for it. It makes his life a Hell sometimes.

Occasionally, I still see people harping on how horrible Dean was for "forgiving" Cas, like Cas doesn't need to be forgiven. And with some distance and clarity, I find that pretty baffling now, but I also remember feeling that way when I wasn't looking at their partnership equally and giving Cas too much leeway on his continued absence from the partnership. I almost...respected Cas more. That thought makes me wince. But his bad decisions I was way more likely to stamp as protective or tactically genius, at least compared to some of Dean's similar decisions. Dean's things I tended to group as "too angry/emotional/irrational." :(

I guess I've come a long way when it comes to holding Sam and Cas accountable for their actions, too. Much of the time, my issues with Dean devolved to unfortunate tone policing or not liking him to express his anger and be angry at his boundaries being breached over and over, even when he was taking his anger out on inanimate objects. I balked just because it made a loud sound that made Sam wince (oh noes, not the wincing).

///

On the other hand, I'm quite impressed that Dean and Cas were finding their way back to each other after the Death of a Child. That's about the hardest thing a marriage can go through, and they were getting back together and trying to heal even before Jack reappeared. Clearly, it's a stress-tested relationship. WAY more stress-tested than your everyday marriages; they've been through multiple apocalypses. On the whole, they often have good communication, even when they disagree, they knew where they stood (like with Donatello). It's just these huge, incredibly unusual horrible earth-shatteringly terrible things that throw them. Chuck's grooming is such a bitch.

#cas + communication issues #spn #spn 15x09 #spn the trap #spn episodes #spn season 15 #dean stuff #cas stuff #dean/cas + trial separation

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veliseraptor · 4 years

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top 5 Xue Yang quotes

I mean pretty much every time he opens his mouth I love it. But I guess if I had to pick single lines...I am going to put screencaps here. This is also all CQL because that’s what I’m more familiar with.

Under a read more because it got long. Surprising no one familiar with me and how this sort of thing goes. Featuring my new blog subtitle: A Whole Lotta Feelings About Xue Yang, and links to a bunch of my own older meta.

1. “You shouldn’t have gotten involved in other people’s business. Who’s right, who’s wrong? How much kindness, how many grudges. Can an outsider be clear about it? Maybe you shouldn’t have left the mountain.”

I wrote a whole meta post about this! I mean, I’ve written a whole lot of meta posts about Xue Yang generally, the amount of digital ink I’ve spilled over this character is, hm. Well.

But I just find this line fascinating for the ways in which it is, like many of the things that Xue Yang says in this scene, such a blend of emotions: anger, frustration, misery, disappointment.

There’s the “how dare you judge me” of it all, the “you’re so goddamn clueless you just don’t get it” of it, and then also the thing that I talked about in the linked meta - the “you would’ve been better served staying away from this stupid world, where you would’ve been safe and where you would’ve been safe from me.”

I have a lot of...thoughts, about the way that Xue Yang bounces back and forth between finding it hilarious that Xiao Xingchen is so nice to him while having no idea who he really is, finding it maddening that he is (he’s so stupid! how does he get away with being so stupid!), and finding it...something that he likes, and sort of wants him to keep (in a similar way, actually, to the way that I think Jin Guangyao wants Lan Xichen to keep his relative innocence).

And also the arc words/recurring sentiment of those questions of right and wrong, black and white. And the idea that that’s not a question Xue Yang has historically concerned himself with, but perhaps right now it might actually matter.

And right now he wants Xiao Xingchen to be on the same page, and at least for a half a second genuinely thought he might be.

2. “The finger is mine, while the lives are theirs.”

Obviously this is like. Peak Xue Yang line: pure solipsism, pure self-centered self-interest: my finger is mine and therefore it’s worth more than the lives of other people.

And there’s a lot to be said about that as a manifesto for Xue Yang - on one level I do think it’s just about how he thinks and perceives others: they just aren’t quite real to him, not in the way he himself is. Like, yes! They exist! Nominally they have “feelings” and “wants” or whatever, but conceptualizing that in any concrete way, or internalizing it, is...hard. It doesn’t seem quite real to him. They don’t seem quite real, not in the way that he is, himself.

And on the other hand I think there’s something about the way that Xue Yang weights his own value so heavily because he’s the only one who will. Nobody else is going to put any value on his hand or his finger. Xue Yang’s approach to life is very much “nobody’s going to give me anything, so I will get mine and fuck everyone else, if I don’t look out for me above all then it’s a short road to death.” And I think there’s elements of that here.

Or maybe a question: why should their lives be worth more than my body? Why should they be more valuable than me? And the answer, of course, is that they shouldn’t.

While I do think that Xue Yang has his insecurities and uncertainties, one thing that he refuses to doubt is that he has a right to exist and a right to get what’s his - even if that comes at the expense of others.

And I think, too, on some level he figures this is how everyone works. They probably think their fingers are worth his life. They’re wrong, obviously, and the fact that he won proves that. But they still believed it.

3. “Cultivator friend, I’ll plead guilty. But to submit to punishment...that depends if you’re able to catch me.”

Flirting is playing murder tag with a cute boy!

This is a less serious one but I love it because it is just...it’s not his intro intro (see below) but it also sort of is, in another way. And it is definitely an intro to his relationship with Xiao Xingchen, and I love it for that - for the way he shows up, perching on a house over an enormous massacre, and is just having the time of his life.

It’s so cheerfully playful, so bright, the way that he doesn’t even hesitate to be like “yes! I did kill all those people! what’re you gonna do about it :D”

(”does my gay little crime spree piss you off?”)

It sets up this dynamic between a Xiao Xingchen who is taking this all very seriously and a Xue Yang who is having a fantastic time and I just love it. New standard for your OTP meeting: if it doesn’t happen at the scene of a massacre for which one of them is responsible then what’s even the point.

4. “I don’t fear death, only boredom/living without a purpose.”

I wish!!! I knew whether this translation (”having no purpose in living” or the Netflix one (”boredom”) was more “””accurate””” - or if it doesn’t matter and the meaning is pretty close. If someone can tell me that’d be amazing. But either way - this is the moment where I was like “oh I’m screwed” when it came to adopting a new terrible character for my very own.

I have a huge glaring weak spot for characters who are very “death before boredom” about their lives - who look at their existence as sort of “here for a good time not a long time” and recognize that they’re not one for a long life but they’re going to make it one they can enjoy. That almost indifference to their own end weighed against the prospect of dullness - or, with the Viki translation, purposelessness.

And it does fit with how I think of Xue Yang as someone who sort of needs to have a drive or a goal, most of the time; who needs to be engaged and is easily bored. (This is one of the things that I think he has in common with Wei Wuxian! Sorry, buddy, you’re more alike than you’d like to acknowledge.)

But it also demands such a contrast with the fact that he does, later on, settle down into domestic relative tranquility - into something that would look, to a lot of people, and maybe even to his past self, like boredom.

And yet it doesn’t bore him.

And I just. You know. Have a lot of feelings about that.

5. “Very well. Would I be afraid of people’s disgust? However, are you qualified to feel disgusted by me?”

tfw you see your great fake life starting to go to pieces and decide you’re going to detonate your nuclear weapon in it because hey, might as well take everyone down with you, right?

I love this because it’s one of those things where it’s true and it’s not - I do not think, generally, that Xue Yang really cares about people’s disgust. He sometimes even relishes it! I mean, I think a certain kind of dehumanization sets him off, but in general - yes, I’m’s horrible, yes, I’m disgusting, yes, sure, do I care? Nope.

But it is pretty clear here, both in terms of facial expression and reactions, that Xiao Xingchen’s judgment does hit home. That his anger and dismissal of Xue Yang’s story, of his exposure of a vulnerability he doesn’t usually allow, hits pretty hard. From Xue Yang’s perspective, he’s taken a risk, and Xiao Xingchen answered it with a slap in the face. (Wrote a bunch about this here.)

And in that hurt he responds, immediately, by lashing out - by using the weapon he’s held in reserve. I’ve written before about how I think Xue Yang prior to this point was in sort of “the fierce corpses thing can stay between me and the fierce corpses now” mode about his extracurricular activities with Xiao Xingchen, but it’s still there, and he knows exactly what he’s doing here. After all, that revenge was always tailored: it was always about bringing Xiao Xingchen down to his level and proving that he’s no better, and never has been any better.

But I will never get over the look on his face over that first line, where he’s saying “would I be afraid of people’s disgust” and while the words imply no his face is definitely saying yes, at least when it’s you.

BONUSES:

Most of his conversation with Wei Wuxian but especially the bit about slowly and intimately doing experimental necromancy, but also Xue Yang inviting Song Lan in for lunch.

Come on, Song Lan! Just take the free meal! It’ll be fine.

#blackteaaddict #conversating #xue yang #the sad queer cultivators show #lise does meta #you can see why these take me so long perhaps

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dotthings · 4 years

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So let’s talk about Cas’s issues, and how they hit that nerve of Dean’s insecurities.

I feel like Dean’s personal issues get discussed a lot (by myself included), both from a Dean-positive take and from the pressure placed on this character in a more negative way. There’s a lot of expectation placed on Dean as a character and ironically enough, in that process I feel like even Cas fans don’t do enough digging into what makes Cas tick, what his weak points are, his fears, his cyclical dysfunctional hang-ups. Cas is a layered, complicated, well-developed character with a now 12 season history on the show, as a main character, even if he is less prominent than Sam and Dean, and as such this means there are flaws as well as goodness in him. It does Cas a disservice to paint him as never wrong, as never causing hurt to those he loves. I’m not speaking as a Dean fan here, but as a Cas fan, this just isn’t about fairness to Dean, I feel there is an actual imbalance in how these discussions tend to go and it’s kind of a habitual tendency in the fandom. In part fueled by the fact that Dean is so open with his feelings, shows that he feels things SO hard and so deeply, that’s the character, and that kind of makes Dean a lightning rod to talk about Dean feelings, good or bad.

Canonically, Cas tends to get less pov due to structure, when Cas isn’t in every ep of a season and where SPN structurally puts Sam and Dean as the center spokes of the wheel, no matter how near the center Cas is of that show wheel. Cas has become another core pillar--Dabb referred to Cas along with Dean as a “core character” in his pre 15.09 interview. But because logistically, Dean still carries more pov on the show, we get more looks into Dean’s mind than into Cas’s. Which isn’t as great for Dean fans as you might think because by SPN not giving more Cas pov, it’s putting more and more of the responsibility for making the profound bond work onto Dean and Dean’s pov. While Cas has contributed plenty to this rift that developed.

There’s also the thing about the fandom default perception is that Dean is repressed emotionally. Which, sure, in many respects, yeah. But not in the way it’s popularized in fandom. Dean is actually the more facile, open, raw, vulnerable in expression of his emotions, with big outbursts, of hurt/anger or softness. He goes big. He expresses. He cries easily. He doesn’t exactly hide. He wears his heart on his sleeve. But because Dean is also a character who constructed facades to survive, he puts on facades and one facade is "no chick flick moments.” A facade I’ve pointed out again and again he’s terrible at maintaining, nonetheless it is real and he can be gruff and he does at times try to hide from his own feelings, and avoid, and struggles not to say stuff and then it gets out anyway. But he’s also very openly emotional.

While Cas is actually far more locked up emotionally as a character. Far more repressed than Dean. Look at his background. Millennia as an angel. Shoved back through the angel reprogramming machine every time he displayed an independent thought. Angels have emotions. They are not unfeeling. But they are taught emotions are weaknesses. They are a taint. They are dangerous. A lot of Cas’s arcing over the past 11 years has been about learning what emotions are and how to manage them. Even if we remove that factor, Cas also has a personality of his own, as a character, and is a survivor of trauma and abuse, as Dean is. Cas, like Dean, carries a lot of anger.

Cas is impulsive. Sometimes heedless. Ironically, he often pulls Dean back from heedlessness. But he has that tendency and Cas’s heedlessness tends to result in cosmic level events (leviathans unleashed, angels falling). He has a temper. He will end you if you hurt those he loves. Cas in the past has shown a hubris about how he has to fix all the things because these frail humans he loves can’t, Dean’s “just a man,” and while Cas definitely outgrew that, there are remnants still there. Which isn’t JUST hubris. Cas, being an abuse and torture survivor, being a survivor of emotional neglect, similarly to Dean, also has, similarly to Dean, this thing about needing a mission, a purpose. He needs to be needed. And if he isn’t serving a purpose, if he feels he isn’t being useful, then he feels worthless. The Dean corollary to that is Dean’s lack of self worth in what his father instilled in him--that he has no purpose, no mission, outside of protect Sam, and the hunt.

This need for purpose and Cas’s insecurities powered a lot of his arc with Jack. Cas’s relationship with Dean evolved over time. They didn’t stay just the same. In some ways the bond equalized in good ways, but as part of that, Cas was no longer the “Winchesters’ guardian” of early Cas seasons. That role gave Cas purpose. As Cas drew deeper and deeper into the family, as his character developed and he increasingly got his own arcs, which are all good things, that also meant Cas wondered what his purpose is.

Protecting Jack gave him purpose. A mission. Someone to look after. His relationship with Dean isn’t that. That hit a height with “draped yourself in the flag of Heaven” at the end of S9. By S11 the focus shifted to Dean’s drive to save Cas. Dean and Cas’s relationship is that of peers, fellow soldiers, friends, and yes, on a coded level that’s been harder and harder to ignore in later seasons, lovers/husbands.

Cas devoting himself all to Dean wasn’t sustainable. Just as Dean couldn’t perpetually be all about Sam, but while Dean and Cas are more peers/husbands role, Dean is Sam’s stand-in parent. Dean was parentified at the age of four. Sam as recently in 15.09 says Dean raised him. Sam knows his actual father figure is Dean, not Bobby, not John. There’s a whole lot about Sam and Dean’s relationship that made a lot more sense to me once I kept that in mind, that symbolically they were parent/child not just siblings/hunting partners. (Their codependency added another complication into the mix) That is not the relationship Dean and Cas have ever had. They are protective of each other. But it’s not a pseudo parent-child relationship. Nor are they codependent. But Dean always had a Sam, while Cas...did not have a Sam. Dean wasn’t his Sam, once he found a Dean. Dean was something else entirely. Not less, but different.

Enter Jack and while I was resistant to that arc initially, in the long game I can see multiple overarching purposes for the story. One of them is Cas’s character development. While the Cas and Jack bond isn’t just like Sam and Dean’s, and I’m not suggesting it is, it has that similar pseudo parent-child aspect. Jack is all of Team Free Will’s kid, but I think the way Jack impacted Cas’s arc made the most seismic shifts.

The thing about this S15 rift with Dean and Cas is that it’s not really about Dean’s existential crisis about “realness.” It’s not actual about Mary or Jack or that freakin’ snake. Well, it is...I’m not suggesting Dean had no valid reason to be hurt and upset with Cas. That is real. But this was ramped up as a culmination of years of issues. It mashed Dean’s buttons so hard because these are reflective of cyclical behaviors that come from Cas and it hurts Dean every time. Underlying all that, maybe subtextually, Dean’s doubts about realness played into it here as well. But the doubts, fears, insecurities, and hurts Dean feels about Cas are there regardless. Chuck applied pressure points to hasten the rift. To rip them apart because that serves his purpose but all he did was play on their actual insecurities and feelings and then watch them dance to his tune.

One of Dean and Cas’s issues has been things that have been there a long time, in the relationship, where Dean’s chronic issues play on Cas’s insecurities and Cas’s chronic issues play on Dean’s insecurities. There’s a bunch I could reel off. Dean’s abandonment issues vs. Cas’s tendency to keep things from Dean, not turn to Dean, not trust Dean, for one. This is something Cas has done for years, long before Jack, and it hurt Dean then and it hurt Dean now. Just for example.

I feel like what happened late S14/early S15 is that all these long running issues they never addressed came crashing down on the bond at once.

The things that are Cas’s issues, Cas hasn’t talked much about. Cas doesn’t talk about his innermost emotional landscape the way Dean does. Sometimes he does speak his feelings, but I wish he’d do it more often.

The things Cas has done in the past that hit on Dean’s abandonment issues all got ramped up with Jack. And it happened more than once. Why is Dean so hurt. Look at how he responds to Cas keeping things from him, or to losing Cas, or to Cas not reaching out to Dean, trusting Dean enough to go to him in the past. How hard that has been on Dean. Take your pick of plots. Cas teaming up with Crowley. Cas and the monster souls. Cas running off with the angel tablet.

With Jack there was a string of events. It wasn’t just the one thing. This isn’t my condemnation of Cas or because I don’t get Cas’s motivations and good intentions. Or about Cas being right/wrong. Right or wrong, his actions still hurt Dean. Being a parent added such a completely new layer into Team Free Will bonds, the TFW familial unit shifted. Change can be hard on a relationship anyway.

Quick recap of the sequence of events with Cas and Jack: it was Cas slipping away from Dean as Cas devoted himself to a nephilim in embryo. When Cas bonded with Jack’s grace in the womb. When Dean said he didn’t recognize Cas. There was Cas’s belief in the vision Jack showed him. It was Kelly giving Cas a mission to protect her son. Cas, like Dean, feels a strong sense of duty. Remember Dean’s S2 speech when Sam died? How Dean expressed the depth of his sense of failure? “I had one job, to keep you safe.” And by the end of S14, Cas lost Jack. He had one job. To keep Jack safe.

Cas pretty much thinks he’s worthless without that, same as Dean.

So there’s Cas, taken by Kelly after Dean was begging him--begging him--to return to the bunker with them so they could talk. While Kelly effectively prevented Cas from taking the action he might have done of his own volition since she drove off in the Impala with Cas still inside it and he couldn’t stop the car without hurting her and her unborn child, the element of choice there is murky. But Cas did choose to protect Jack. He did choose to knock out Sam and Dean at the playground. There’s Dean, as he has in prior seasons, seeing Cas walking away again.

Then it happens again. Cas heedlessly goes after Lucifer, when he should have waited, Cas was so focused on his Jack mission, and as a result, Lucifer stabs Cas dead, right in front of Dean’s eyes. So Dean loses Cas again, and audience gets to see Dean is utterly devastated (but Cas doesn’t).

But then Dean gets Cas back! His big win...which Dean confesses to Sam but again, Cas doesn’t get to hear it. And then right after getting Cas back, Cas is running off again, due to Jack. Dean begs Cas--BEGS HIM--let me come along, you need backup and Cas says no. Because Cas has to fix all the things himself. So Cas gets kidnapped and locked in an angel proof cell. Dean doesn’t even know he’s lost Cas this time due to voice mimicky plot, but there it is again, Dean loses Cas, again for Jack. Then Cas keeps that detail about Felix the snake from Dean, which wasn’t right for Cas to do, to be so secretive. Whatever his intentions, no that wasn’t right, and it goes right back to Cas’s tendencies shown in earlier seasons. To fix the thing himself. Anael calls Cas on it, even. His fears. Which leads to Cas finally going to Sam and Dean with the information. Cas apologizes and confesses, explains in a rare moment of us actually getting to see inside Cas’s emotional landscape that he was scared what Jack losing his soul would do to tear this TFW family apart. What Cas would lose because of that. A hella lot of that is about Dean, not just TFW or Jack.

None of this has ever been Cas not caring about Dean. Cas was there for Dean in S14. He fought to save Dean, first from Michael, then the Ma’lek box. But Dean and Cas don’t exist in a profound bond bubble.

Dean doesn’t even know yet that Cas sold himself to The Empty to save Jack midway through S14. Should we start screaming now?

So after Cas’s confession and apology late in S14 about what Jack did to the snake that Cas didn’t clue in Sam and Dean about, Mary is dead, because of soulless Jack, and all hell breaks loose with Jack, and Dean believes the only way out of this with soulless Jack is to kill soulless Jack. Cas doesn’t agree. Dean delivers an ultimatum, my way or the highway and who cares what you think (bad move, Dean). So to save Jack and Dean, because if Dean shot Jack with Chuck’s gun, it would kill Dean too, Cas runs off to get to Jack first.

From Dean’s perspective he’s seing Cas’s back again, leaving him again. Losing Cas again.

Think about how this steps on the same nerves as Cas’s vanishing acts in earlier seasons, or Cas walking into the lake, or Cas staying behind in Purgatory when Dean did everything he could to save him. Think about Dean’s abandonment issues. Think about how Dean’s abandonment issues and this repeat cycle of Cas’s inherent tendency to not get that he should loop his family into things, that he can’t fix it all on his own, of leaving, even if he always comes back. And no we can’t blame Cas for the times he left when he didn’t want to, when something happened to Cas, but when he vanished into the lake in 7.01, when he insisted on staying behind in Purgatory in S8, when he heedlessly went pell mell after Lucifer--Dean losing Cas was a direct result of Cas’s choices. Where Cas put himself into a position where Dean lost him.

This has happened again...and again. Imagine the heart-crushing heartbreaking panic for Dean during their Purgatory revisit when Cas disappeared. It’s Dean having to relive his Cas trauma. Because guess what, Dean loves Cas a lot. I don’t know how this even became in question in fandom, it continues to utterly baffle me.

So it’s not really about Jack though. I’m not blaming the Jack storyline for this. What happened was the Jack storyline brought those issues to a boiling point. Cas’s insecurities and drive to have a mission. Dean’s abandonment issues clashing with Cas’s running off again. Repeatedly.

What’s going to happen when Dean finds out about The Empty deal, and not just the deal itself but the fact Cas kept that, too, from him. I don’t think it will be rage this time. Not after 15.09. It will however, I suspect, be utterly devastating for Dean...maybe this time he won’t snap at Cas, he’ll just say how devastating it is, before he and Sam get to work on a solution. And Cas will have to witness how devastating it is. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer in 15.09 is such a big deal and I really really hope this hit Cas hard and woke him up to some things. Because with all of Cas’s particular insecurities, despite the fact that Dean has repeatedly shown Cas directly how much he matters, there’s also been plenty audience gets to see (Cas is family/Dean’s grief arc/Cas is a big win) that Cas hasn’t. Cas hearing Dean’s prayer here I think will change things. Cas won’t be the same. Dean won’t be the same. The bond won’t be the same. In a good way.

15.09 didn’t feel like resolution to me, and I’m glad Dabb confirmed that in his pre ep interview. It felt like ice melting, barriers crumbling. That’s good. It’s a start. That will help them with what’s next. But they have so much to work through still. Because their problems aren’t just from recent plot events, or Chuck. These tap into some fundamental things about them each that affects their bond. I’ve been saying this since before the end of S14, this isn’t hear to destroy their bond, it’s to level it up. It’s to deepen it, to fix what’s been amiss at the root and realize it into something even more powerful.

I need Cas to speak, not just Dean. Not just for my ship but for the character, I need more looks into Cas’s inner emotional landscape and how he feels about his own insecurities and I’d love to see an equally big confession about his Dean feelings.

#Dean Winchester #Castiel #Destiel #Dean and Cas #Team Free Will #Jack Kline #Supernatural #spn #supernatural spoilers #meta

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fundeadasylum · 5 years

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This Photo of Us Part 4: We Must Never Be Apart

This one is a bit shorter than the others and I apologize for that. But that was a perfect spot to end it so it had to be done. (tfw you wish you had time to illustrate this tasty fic)

There’s also a big ol’ disclaimer for some stuff at the end of this chapter.

Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, mild physical abuse, non-consensual bondage (not sexual!), psychological torture and abuse, drug related withdrawals, captivity, descriptions of panic attacks

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

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He’d lost track of how long it had been.

Between passing out in the grass and the sick vertigo and unending headaches he’d been experiencing since, Jake had no idea how many days he’d been in Rosie’s care. It felt like years had been drained from his life, hours on top of his bruised and battered heart and crushing it under so much stress and time. His legs and arms were stiff and sore, his neck creaking as he moved, his spine a dull throb of pain. Moving too fast brought on a wave of vertigo that made his stomach heave and wretch, and his body was wracked by shivers and chills.

And he was tired. He was so very, very tired. The exhaustion dragged him down even more but no matter what he did, he couldn’t get enough sleep. The insomnia gnawed at his brain, chewing slowly away at his sanity as his heart ticked down his remaining minutes. No matter how low the shock setting on the collar had been, Jake knew his body had taken some damage from the device. And it was taking even more from the lack of sleep.

Jake slouched against the wall, splayed out on the bed with the sheets tangled in his legs and the heavy comforter wrapped around his shoulders. After his failed escape attempt, Rosie had carried him back inside and pushed the bed back against the wall. She’d done nothing to secure it but there was no danger of Jake trying to use it to get out the window again; he was much too weak now.

The sound of footsteps came from upstairs and Jake let his head roll on his shoulders to look at the door, his eyes lidded and tired. His bones felt rubbery and weak, jello melting in the heat around him. Too cold with the blanket off, too hot with it on.

The stairs creaked, locks jingled, and then Rosie stepped into the basement, her lips pursed in a displeased manner. Jake watched as she approached, hauling with her a couple of large shopping bags, one of which was making an awful lot of noise.

“How are you feeling today, hun, any better?” She set her bags down and pressed the back of her hand against his forehead. He flinched at her touch but didn’t pull away, “Hm, you don’t seem to have a temperature but you’re definitely experiencing symptoms like a cold. And these have been getting progressively worse. Did you get any sleep at all?”

He just stared at her. Rosie’s expression hardened,

“I asked you a question and I expect an answer. Do you want to lose more privileges?”

She’d stopped bringing him delicious home cooked meals after his escape attempt, telling him that bad behavior needed to be disciplined and good behavior could earn his lost privileges back. He’d been eating bowls of white rice and bologna sandwiches for who knew how long and he was getting tired of it.

So Jake sucked in a shaky breath and murmured, “No. No sleep.” He let his eyes fall closed and saw shapes swimming behind his eyelids. He snapped them open again and his throat clicked in a dry swallow when the phantom images remained, translucent fingers of grey smoke pressing against the edges of his vision.

“Poor, sweet thing,” Rosie cooed, smoothing his black hair from his face. Jake shivered at how hot her skin was against his, a sour taste filling his mouth as she coddled him, “I wish I knew how to help you. But you’re just being so uncooperative. If you know what’s wrong, I could end this suffering for you.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek and his skin burned where her lips had been, “I don’t understand why you want to punish yourself like this. Why won’t you let me help you? I’m only trying to do what’s best for you.”

A likely story.

Jake was pretty sure he knew what was wrong but that didn’t mean he was so eager to tell Rosie. It was some small act of rebellion on his part. Most people didn’t know because Jake didn’t want them to know and if Rosie didn’t know, then she was just another part of the general mass of humanity around him rather than a villain on a pedestal to be feared.

But this...this was too much. He could feel his mind fragmenting, splitting into slivers of who he was, breaking off to spiral slowly into a void of terror and mindless horror. This would destroy him eventually, he was sure of it.

“I…” His voice caught and shame crept over him like a wet blanket. He stared at his hands laying thin and pale in his lap, “There’s one med you didin’ get. Goin’ cold turkey on it…’s bad news.”

“What?” Rosie sounded genuinely astonished and Jake glanced up at her through his lashes, dull eyes sweeping over the startled expression on her face, “You were on more medication than just your aldosterone inhibitors and ARBs? Why didn’t you say something sooner!? Sweetie, this could have killed you!” She pressed her palms to his cheeks and lifted his head, making him look her in the eye. Jake whined at the contact, trying to pull back because it was just too much, but she dug her nails into his scalp and it felt like burning pokers searing his flesh,

“What was the medication? Tell me what it is and I can make this all go away. You just have to tell me, baby, and I can help you feel better.”

Jake only grinned at her, a lopsided, snarky thing that showed off the mad glint in his unfocused eyes, “F-fuck you. I c’n wait out the with--withdrawals. An’ then you’ll n-never know. Ha...haha…” He broke off into a wheezing, hysterical laugh that squeezed out a few salty tears. They felt like streaks of fire going down his face.

Rosie’s expression became cold and distant and she let him go, allowing him to thud back painfully against the wall. He was still grinning at her, the fear he should have been feeling muddied by exhaustion and hysteria.

“Okay,” Rosie said, taking a deep breath and letting it out again, “Okay. I see. I understand. You still seem to think that I’m trying to hurt you. Okay.” She reached down and pulled some things out of the forgotten shopping bags and knelt by the foot of the bed. Jake twisted to see what she was doing, frowning in confusion as he watched her use a power drill to screw a metal plate with a heavy ring to the wooden frame. There was something attached to the ring but no matter how he blinked, he couldn’t shake the fuzziness from his vision. He leaned back and closed his eyes, breathing deeply to steady himself. He floated for a moment that took years to pass and only came back to himself when he felt her hands on his legs.

Then there was something ice cold and heavy around his ankles.

Jake startled, jolting and pulling himself away from Rosie’s touch, his eyes wide despite his swimming vision. Something clanked loudly and dragged across the bed and his heart ached as his pulse sped up.

Chains.

He wondered if his hallucinations had really gotten that bad already. But hallucinations didn’t have weight and he could feel the heft of the black metal around his bare ankles, could feel the tug of the chains hooked through them. He pawed at the U-shaped shackles, whining and pulling and trying to unscrew the thick and heavy pin that pressed against his Achilles tendon. The chains were hooked through these pins, two separate, shortened lengths that were then hooked through a third U-shaped shackle and hooked onto the last and longest chain. The last chain was evidently cinched to the ring now fixed to the end of his bed.

Jake’s hands shook, tears spilling down his face as he gasped in shortened breaths, his heart thundering painfully in his chest. Sheer terror took over, cold sweat blistering against his fevered skin as he kicked and pulled and flailed, crying out in wordless fear at his own helplessness. White-out panic numbed his brain and all his animal brain could think was to get away. He backpedaled across the bed until he hit the opposite wall and wedged himself into the corner, shoulders bunching painfully as he pulled and yanked on the chain. The noise was deafening in his ears, so loud it rattled in his skull and made his teeth ache. His throat hurt and he couldn’t breathe and he was probably screaming but that barely registered beyond the blind panic that had consumed him.

Something warm pressed against him, caught his hands in a gentle grasp. A soft voice murmured in his ear and he couldn’t understand what they were saying but it was gentle and it was slow. Jake squeezed his eyes shut, tried to remember how to work his lungs properly, all the while shuddering with choked off sobs of fear and pain.

A soothing hand in his hair.

A soft brush of fabric against his bare arm.

“You’re so sensitive,” That voice, that voice, he knew that voice. Now if only he could get his racing thoughts to settle down, “It hurts me so much to do this to you but you’ll see, it’s better in the long run. I’m doing this for your own good, sweetie, I promise.” A kiss to his temple and it burned.

Jake’s eyes snapped open and he found Rosie inches away, smiling sadly at him as she ran her fingers through his hair. He froze, held his breath, didn’t dare move.

“Oh, honey,” She sighed and it smelled like peppermint, “You don’t need to be scared of me. This is what living with those people has done to you. They’ve made you so sick and afraid you can’t trust anyone anymore. Poor thing. But I’ll fix you, okay, I’ll make you all better. You just need to listen to me. You’ll get used to it. And then, when you’re finally free of what they’ve done to you, we can be together, forever, just like we’re supposed to be.”

She kissed him again, deep and passionate and she filled Jake’s world until he couldn’t take it anymore. He shoved her away in revulsion and wrapped his arms over his head, ducking his face between his knees. He was cold, so cold and tired and sick.

He heard Rosie shift and the weight left the bed. There was a long drag of fabric and he glanced through his fingers to see her bundling his sheets and blankets into her arms.

“NO!” He launched himself across the bed, scrabbling to snatch them away, but she stepped back with that sad and disappointed look on her face.

“I know you’re hurting but this is punishment for withholding information,” Rosie said, turning away and heading for the basement door, “You’ll get these back when you’ve decided to cooperate more. I’m going to make a phone call now. Why don’t you think about how you’ve hurt me while I’m gone.”

Jake ran for the door as she stepped through it, the chains loud as they scraped against the cement. But he never reached it. The chain wasn’t long enough and it tripped him, nearly sending him face first into the floor as he stumbled to a halt. The door shut and he heard the locks turn and then he was alone again.

He wanted to sink to the floor and die right then and there, just waste away and vanish into the earth.

But he was cold and he was tired and his entire body hurt. So he dragged himself back to his bed, crawled into the corner and curled around the pillow, shivering and wheezing and trying to ignore the flickering images and phantoms that slid back and forth in front of his eyes.

The shackles on his ankles and the thick collar on his neck were heavy and they dragged him down into a despair he hadn’t felt in a long, long time.

----

A phone was ringing

Dan starred without seeing at the tabletop, his coffee growing cold in his mug, his mind a million miles away.

The phone kept ringing.

With a blink and sigh, Dan pushed his chair out and abandoned his coffee to investigate the noise. He was surprised the ringing hadn’t brought Milo running; the boy had been feverish in his attempts to find Jake, so much so that he refused to go to school despite Dan’s protesting. And Dan didn’t have the heart to push him. He knew Milo had exhausted himself this morning running around town and asking questions again so he was probably napping up in his room.

Dan frowned; it wasn’t the house phone that was ringing. So then where…

A light was blinking on the coffee table, next to the piles of paperwork and photos the police had asked for.

Jake’s cell phone was ringing.

Dan scrambled for it, nearly falling over the couch in his effort to retrieve it,

“H-hello? Hello, Jake?”

“Um,” There was an awkward pause on the other end of the phone, “N-no, sorry, um. I thought I was calling Jake? Who is this? Do I have the wrong number?”

“Oh...oh, no, no, you don’t…” Dan sank onto the couch, shoulders slumping, “Sorry, um, he’s not...he’s not here right now. He, uh,” Dan cleared his throat, stubbornly blinked back the tears, “Anyway, um, this is Dan, his roommate. Who--who is this?”

“I’m Rosie? I...don’t know if he told you about me? We were--we’re friends but it’s been a while since we spoke and I just...I would very much like to speak with him. It’s kind of important. Is he around?”

Rosie. The girl Jake had been hanging out with. The girl he’d asked to start dating. The girl who’d rejected him. Dan wanted to feel flare of defensive anger at her for hurting Jake but he couldn’t find the energy to muster it. If anything, it broke his heart more because she was in the same boat he and Milo were.

“Um, he’s…” Dan swallowed, took a deep breath, started again, “A-actually, Miss. Rosie, this isn’t really something to...to say over the phone. Are you--can you come over to the house so we can talk about this?”

----------

I did kind of a day's worth of research on heart medications and the conditions of heart failure, etc so I am by no means an expert. Some medicines for heart attacks and related heart failures are aldosterone receptor antagonists (or aldosterone inhibitors) and angiotensin II receptor blockers (or ARBs) which are what I have Jake taking.

I'm more intimately familiar with anxiety and depression medication as I've been on several different kinds over the past couple of years. The problem with prescribing Jake anxiety medication is that sometimes it can actually INCREASE the heart rate in some instances. There are A LOT of anxiety medications and if his anxiety is as bad as it seems he should probably be carrying around a situational medication. But given that he's so secretive about his meds, he probably wouldn't want those. So I just have him taking the same stuff I do, which is venlafaxine. It can affect blood pressure but that's not a big problem. It DOES, however, need to be taken at the same time every day with food as it's an extended release capsule. The major issue comes from quitting venlefaxine without weening yourself off it properly. Quitting it cold turkey can cause dizziness, insomnia, nausea, loss of appetite, vomiting, blurred vision, and even hallucinations. The meds take anywhere from three to five days to get out of your system completely. I couldn't find anything about how long withdrawal symptoms will last but I'm betting it's no kind of pleasant experience.

To be honest the guy also seems like he should also be on trazodone to help him sleep at night but that might be too much medication interacting with each other.

Also! The U-shaped shackles I have Rosie using are actually pin anchor shackles. Ones big enough to fit around an adult male’s ankles probably can’t be purchased at your typical marina but for the sake of fan fiction I can do what I want.

#micoverse #micoverse: this photo of us

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elizabethrobertajones · 6 years

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aren't they devaluing team free will tho? jack just come and suddenly it's family and team free will 0.2, now this pushing of gabriel as part of it too, it's just a mock, so now anyone can be tfw even if they didn't anything to earn it, team free will don't exist anymore it's just a joke

I’m sorry this is rubbing you the wrong way. The way I have always seen it is that Dean calls them “Team Free Will” in 5x13 extremely bitterly and miserably. The sense that they aren’t going to win, and they aren’t enough to defeat Michael, at the beginning of his downward spiral where he will be beaten up enough to attempt to say yes to being his vessel. The term then wasn’t used again for 7 years, and even though it got a great fanon following used UNIRONICALLY, and NOT how Dean originally used it, to celebrate the fact that they HAD won and defeated Michael, the symbolism within the show vs the way fanon took it was always a bit wonky.

The actual composition of Team Free Will as a victorious unit can and should stretch to cover Bobby, who was there helping at the true victory at Stull, and Crowley who did his part and was one of their most useful allies in the last few episodes of the season; once he was on their side they ticked off the last few rings very quickly.

And Gabriel’s speech in 5x19, no matter how he may have been faking it so as not to actually die, but just to shake Lucifer up, was earnestly on the side of the underdog once he FINALLY made his stand, and that stand was in line with the principles of Team Free Will, and he himself over his 2 episodes in season 5 learned to stop just trying to make the script play out - a very similar nihilism about it as Raphael had - and to stand up for humanity. Like it or not, he is one of the only other characters that season to firmly end up on the side of “free will” over picking either Michael or Lucifer. And that was awesome before he came back and I thought he was a brilliant character.

Being what I consider a mostly to somewhat old school apocalypse era spn fan (that is, I was watching in total isolation from the start so my dates don’t line up to fandom or American viewing until season 7 onwards, but at least I was up to date on the show by season 6 :P) I had a brief moment of bleeh about his return, and then 13x20 and 13x20 won me over, so, fuck it, I’m a current, up to date Gabriel fan now :P We can look back on it that whether he would have been more useful helping them at their side or not, he was still the catalyst for them even having an idea of what they were meant to do, so that Crowley could start helping them, so that Cas, Bobby, Sam and Dean, the core of the real happy positive version of Team Free Will as a family, could defeat Michael and Lucifer. At this point I am firmly in camp “it’s season 13, whatever, they can do what the fuck they want as long as it’s enjoyable and makes some sense” when it comes to Gabriel.

But, yeah. In season 12 they began foreshadowing the return of Michael to the narrative, and one of those things was having Dean say “Team Free Will” to Cas as the way to express what Cas with all his history as Dean’s friend/brother/husband meant to him and all they’d been through, and the easiest way for Dean to come up with a term that covers the name of his real core family that is the Sam Cas Bobby Dean family. With Bobby dead, it’s just the 3 of them, but that’s still a hugely important distinction to make, that there’s a version of the family where Cas is core, on the same level as Sam is to Dean.

(Which, if you read my watching notes for 13x21, is like how Rowena makes a metacommentary comment about the BM scene Sam, Dean and Cas are having together in the other room while she and Gabriel hook up, because it uses all the terminology we and the show uses to refer to the SalmonDean BM scenes to cover what TFW are doing, which is a wonderful way to indicate that the BM scene is no longer a Sam and Dean exclusive trope, and you KNOW Cas has been joining in on them since ever, but now it’s making it clear that when there’s a TFW BM scene in ANY configuration of Sam and Dean, Dean and Cas, Cas and Sam, that is an official trademarked Supernatural Brotherly Moment Scene, and the ™ doesn’t belong to ONLY Sam and Dean any more.)

And… I don’t know, it depends on where you are about Jack in a meta way, but on a character level way, Jack was hugely meaningful to Cas even before he was born, and once he was born, as ridiculous as you might find the concept of a satan babby plot, on the character level, and on the emotional level, Jack means a LOT to Cas, and the first episode is all about how Jack identifies Cas as his father, rather than Lucifer, and 21 episodes into the season now, it’s clear that Jack has a lot of good in his nougat centre, and his love for TFW is obvious not just for Cas, but that he reacts like that to Sam’s death, and that he has latched onto Mary, too. A blood relative and core of the family, first character to appear on screen in the entire show, now she is back, whatever you feel, again, on any meta level about her return, portrayal, or usage by the writers, she’s of critical emotional importance to Sam and Dean, because she’s MARY, emotional backbone of the show whether you like it or not. And she loves her boys, came to love Cas over season 12, and now she and Jack have bonded to the point of getting Jesus and Mother Mary inverse symbolism to show that she means as much to Jack as Mother Mary as she did to the boys (and the text thank GOD finally called out “Mother Mary” as a concept in 12x12). So if she’s around, she too will be at the core of the family.

Sam’s choice of dinner table family is his brother, his other brother/brother in law, the son he and his brothers have adopted and considers all of them his father, his own mother, and she of course has her own emotional link to Jack that Sam didn’t even know about for sure at that point, but despite being a missing link to him, is one we can fill in, and he could at least have hoped that knowing they were together and fighting together from Charlie’s report, would give him hope (rightly) that this is a true, loving set up his family could have one day.

Gabriel was NOT at his dinner table, and he blurs a line between “powerful allies” as the recap says, lumped in with Rowena, who fills a spot Crowley ended up having in their list of allies, who is treacherous and you may still want to kill her like, yesterday, but then the next day you might want to fight and die alongside her, and hope she does the same. Gabriel from 5x19 was in that exact same dubious spot. But as Sam points out, he’s uncle to Jack and that’s a blood tie which the show might not value as much as found family, but it sure is a good reason to START to care and form bonds. Technically Jack isn’t “blood” family to Mary, but then if in a normal muggle family, if your son in law adopted a boy you would still consider him fast, good-as-blood family if you LIKED him and were in Mary’s position. Same as Gabriel discovering he’s an uncle. He has the chance to get in on this family in the weird sense that they’ve all bonded so much to the point of close family, that he’s now Dean and Sam’s brother’s brother, uncle to their son, etc etc. He might be more estranged, and in 13x20 they certainly - Dean especially - pushed him hard to explain himself and learn if they cared or not. But Gabriel passed the test and by the time they’re in the AU Dean would at least trust him to fight alongside them and really earn brother in arms at last, wary family member at least by ties, if not by full undying trust.

Like, none of what’s going on there is weird on a character, emotional level in the sense that they’re at least giving Gabriel a chance to come with them.

I don’t think anyone said “Team Free Will” re: Gabriel so again we’re stretching a fanon term onto him, in the sense that until someone says it for sure, the only new addition to TFW since season 5 is Jack, and that is because Dean’s using TFW as a family term to cover himself, Sam and Cas, and now Jack is TFW by inheritance, as Cas’s son, like, to lack any other surname, this is what you’d put on their driving license if you don’t want to stretch Winchester onto them. I know a lot of fanon since ever has put Gabriel in TFW to balance Sam having an angel in Sabriel dynamics, or just because they like him and he did die for them in 5x19 etc etc as I covered, so if he were alive again people instantly want him to join. I think 13x20 made it clear Dean’s still somewhat holding Gabriel at an arms length before declaring him found family, but he’s at least through several thresholds already, I think TFW is still a closed door to him in terms of how the show has used its language to define him. The closest tie they’ve offered him so far in season 13 is his protestation he helped them in 5x19, and Sam saying they all need Gabriel in 13x18, and reminding him that he’s Jack’s uncle, which is still a large step removed from putting him in the core family unit.

I think next episode, which is Buckleming, will either wreck this or shake things up or make some more of these connections anvil heavy clear, but at least before they get their grubby mitts on writing at least 11 main named characters all in the same location all at once (I just counted on my fingers, not a randomly chosen number. Ouch.) while trying to deal with the Jack and Lucifer dynamic and everything else they’ve piled up into one spot, this is how I see it all standing, and the dynamics and connections that they’ve built up.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to have an ensemble cast, and I do think the term TFW has always been more flexible than the original use, in fanon terms, and in terms of if you were ever going to use it positively, it would cover any and all major characters involved in a fight for free will. Which means 10 of those 11 characters may end up in TFW if Buckleming really go wild with it and let like, Lucifer and Ketch and Charlie and AUBobby and so on into it along with Gabriel, Mary and Jack, for the sake of fighting Michael. Which at that point come back to me with the same complaint and I’d probably agree more but specifically about Buckleming being awful :P At the moment I think it’s well-balanced and the characterisation and levels of invested emotion in each dynamic make good sense, and therefore I’m not particularly worried about the emotional integrity of the phrase Team Free Will… At least for 4 more days :D

#Asks #13x21 #season 13 spoilers #season 13 speculation #13x22 #buckleming appropriate wank for ts #13x20

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auctes · 6 years

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you know what I want 👀

WELL HERE’S A little story i like to call ‘ touko fukawa is extremely heterosexual and ’yeah , no . that’s painful .

SHIPPY - SHIPPY GET FLIPPY . ( FUKAWA / KIRIGIRI . )

001. WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO HURT THE OTHER ?genocider is more likely to physically hurt kyouko , purely by virtue . she’s strong , she’s rough , and she’s not used to applying herself physically in a non - lethal manner . she’s more prone to getting a little weird ( gonna get a little wild ! ) , and experiences difficulty with moderation . she’s a sadomasochist … who doesn’t really understand the point of diminishing return on inflicting pain to elicit pleasure .

kyouko is more likely to emotionally hurt touko , who is a psychologically temperamental person . while she is a thousand times more resilient than she used to be , and knows how to mediate her own emotional responses , she’s still learning to entrust her heart to another person . she occasionally mistakes kyouko’s demeanor as one of disinterest , disgust , or outright callousness ; kyouko’s workaholism doesn’t help matters . touko is prone to these wrongful assumptions , and is often difficult to reason with .

002 . WHO IS EMOTIONALLY STRONGER ?emotional strength is relative : both kyouko and touko exhibit different emotional strengths , and are equally prone to their own respective weaknesses . touko is far more irrational , neurotic , and melodramatic ; kyouko has a tight hold over her emotions , compartmentalizing them easily , and often appearing as colder than she is . each of them depends on the other for a differing manner of emotional support ; if you asked them both this question , they’d each say the other was stronger .

003 . WHO IS PHYSICALLY STRONGER ?genocider is stronger than kyouko , who is stronger than touko . syo canonically exhibits strange bouts of almost supernatural strength ; like , she could snap a man over her knee like a twig . kyouko is physically fit , which automatically makes her stronger than touko … who avoids physical activity like the plague .004 . WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO BREAK A BONE ?kyouko , on the condition that she returns to field detective work . syo is pretty difficult to break at all , and touko actively avoids situations that could pose a physical detriment to her .

005 . WHO KNOWS BEST WHAT TO SAY TO UPSET THE OTHER ?touko . she’s a gifted wordsmith … who has a habit of using her powers with maleficence . she can hit pressure points with startling accuracy ; it’s a defense mechanism that requires love & patience to break . kyouko , however , is a pretty sturdy anvil against which to hammer this out : pettiness doesn’t penetrate . but if touko was really , really mad … she’d probably be able to pull some pretty choice punches .

006 . WHO IS MORE LIKELY TO APOLOGIZE FIRST AFTER AN ARGUMENT ?… i back - spaced on touko , in favor of saying that kyouko might be the first to apologize . she’s far more reasonable than touko is ; arguments don’t fluster her in quite the same way . she’s not as prone to emotional meltdowns as touko . touko will acknowledge when she is fault , but won’t immediately own up to it . for the sake of facilitating a more healthy dialogue , ( and assuring touko that she’s not about to be savagely dumped , ) kyouko would seek to make amends first .

007 . WHO TREATS WHOSE WOUNDS MORE OFTEN ?an even split . kyouko may be more prone to injury by default ; touko , who is making progress in confronting her hemophobia , would voluntarily expose herself to kyouko’s injuries to combat her fear . touko has sustained some shockers , too … but with syo out of commission , the most they really sustain is a papercut . until syo does something fucking ridiculous , like parkour , and kyouko has to sort that shit out .

008 . WHO IS IN CONSTANT NEED OF COMFORT ?touko . she is HORRIBLY insecure , despite�� how healthy and supportive this relationship is . her mentality was sculpted over two decades of being crushed underfoot by everyone around her ; it’s deeply ingrained into touko’s psyche that she is worthless , disgusting , and detestable . she needs constant validation from kyouko ; the constant reassurance that she is worthy of love & affection . kyouko provides this in spades : she’s brutally honest , which is something touko understands , and values above all else . kyouko expresses clearly and concisely how she feels about touko , and is intuitive enough to be able to do this without needing to be prompted . honestly is the most valuable form of comfort to touko . she needs that constant .

009 . WHO GETS MORE JEALOUS ?woo - hooooooooo , that’d be touko again ! with such low self esteem , is it any wonder that touko is always expecting kyouko’s eye to wander ? she knows that makoto used to have a bit of a thing for kyouko … and yeah , we’re all friends here , but if makoto ever gets too chummy , touko’s hissing . i can’t imagine it’s particularly comfortable for kyouko to see touko interact with togami , though … old habits die hard , do they not ? the reality is , touko’s always going to be a little bit in love with togami . the nature of that love is prone to change , but there’s an unequivocal soft spot for him in her heart .

010 . WHO’S MOST LIKELY TO WALK OUT ON THE OTHER ?my instinctive answer was ‘ neither , ’ but … kyouko , maybe . touko’s in it to win it : once you have her heart , that’s it . it’s not hers anymore , and she is loyal to the end . touko’s relationship with kyouko is her first , and she intends it to be her only : she knows she won’t find another person who truly loves her ; who appreciates her ; who tolerates her . she is constantly fearful of kyouko walking out . i don’t believe she’d ever do it , unless she had a very good reason … but touko is simply less likely .

011 . WHO WILL PROPOSE ?oh , didn’t i tell you , miles ? that’s touko ! touko proposes to kyouko , and it’s nothing like how she’d ever orchestrated it on paper . because this is them : they’re not startlingly romantic . they’re not star - crossed lovers . they’re two very broken , very tired , very strong people who are finding comfort in each other in the midst of a world in rebirth . they are enough for each other . they don’t need elaborate , romantic gestures . one evening , when they’re getting ready for bed — touko just looks up from her work , and tells kyouko that she doesn’t intend on loving anyone else for the rest of her life . that this is what she wants , every night , until she dies . and that kyouko doesn’t have to , if she doesn’t want to — but hey . this is just … this is it for touko .

012 . WHO HAS THE MOST DIFFICULT PARENTS ?tfw both sets of in - laws are dead . kirigiri fuhito , because he’s the only one who’s still alive . not that he’d take kindly to his granddaughter dating a serial killer , anywho .

013 . WHO INITIATES HAND - HOLDING WHEN THEY’RE IN PUBLIC ?either of them , really . touko is far more comfortable with PDA ( when it applies to her ; she’s not here to watch other people gnaw each others’ faces off , thanks , ) , and genuinely enjoys the physical contact . she likes showing kyouko off : hello , world , look at my beautiful girlfriend , you all thought i’d be alone forever , but check it the fuck out , i sure showed you . kyouko initiates hand - holding as a means of comforting touko ; it’s a pacifying , supportive gesture from her . they initiate for different reasons , but holding hands is nice . they both do it .014 . WHO HOGS THE BLANKETS ?neither of them . touko likes to take up as little space as possible ; in bed . at work . in life . kyouko is a pretty courteous sleeper . they don’t exactly sleep separately , anyway : touko will almost always end up koala’d around kyouko at some point in the night .

014 . WHO GETS MORE SAD ?who do you fucking think ? i mean … kyouko absolutely has her moments . she has the very occasional breakdown , because being adept at hiding your emotions is not the same as managing them adeptly . touko is a consistently gloomy & pessimistic woman ; a 4 / 10 day for some people is deliriously happy for her . they both have bouts of absolute dejection , whether due to internal or external stressors … bu kyouko is , ah . a little more well - adjusted .

015 . WHO IS BETTER AT CHEERING THE OTHER UP ?kyouko . it doesn’t take a lot of effort on her part to turn touko’s mood around . a compliment will do it ; a hug . a kiss . a hand on touko’s shoulder . reading anything that touko is currently in the process of writing , just to humor her . kyouko is more in tune with what can leave a genuine impact on touko’s demeanor , and can studiously apply that . touko … doesn’t really know where to start when it comes to comforting others .

016 . WHO IS THE ONE WHO PLAYFULLY SLAPS THE OTHER AFTER THEY MAKE SILLY JOKES ?you’re assuming that either of them have the capacity to make silly jokes . neither kyouko nor touko has a very light sense of humor : while kyouko is dry & witty , touko is self - deprecating & morbid . kyouko is more likely to roll her eyes at touko’s brand of humor ; a polite smile , maybe . touko always has a death - glare loaded for when she doesn’t find something amusing .

017 . WHO IS MORE STREETWISE ?they both have their moments . touko’s time in towa city really helps to equalize the balance here . kyouko was born & bred in every vein of intelligence ; her intuition , her spacial awareness , and her powers of observation give her a definite edge . touko spent more time in the field , however ; she’s a pretty adept peacekeeper , when it comes down to it .

018 . WHO IS MORE WISE ?see above . both touko & kyouko posit their strengths ; they’re both criminally intelligent . they both boast a tremendous wealth of life experience that should far exceed their years . while kyouko is classically wise , owing to her objectivity , impartiality & rationality , touko’s wisdom is deep and & introspective . she possesses a strong affinity for emotional reasoning after everything . touko’s and kyouko’s respective intellectual strengths render them a well - rounded team : together , they’re pretty infallible .

019 . WHO IS THE SHYEST ?i wouldn’t term it as shyness , but they are both very private people . they are not interpersonally focused when it comes to matters pertaining to their relationship . they acknowledge they’re together , but they’re not liberal with divulging details .

they’re not exceedingly shy with each other , either , because i’m not a dumbass . i know what this question implies . they’re both pretty open about their sexual preferences , what they like , what they might like , and what’s within the realms of possibility .

i mean … kyouko’s read some of touko’s personal writings . do your own addition .

020 . WHO BOASTS ABOUT THE OTHER MORE ?… genocider syo . and you know what ? fight me , miles . syo & touko share their emotions , after all , and touko is simply head over heels for kyouko . she’s in love with being in love , and this bleeds over into syo … who isn’t exactly coy . while touko is overwhelmingly supportive in her own quiet way , syo is … really out there , really doin’ it . really singing kyouko’s praises , ‘cause have you seen my smokin’ girlfriend ? holy fuck , did she have me taking the lord’s name in VAIN —

020 . WHO SITS ON WHOSE LAP ?oh , touko sits on kyouko’s . kyouko towers over touko — who is small , and light . unless it’s a sex thing , and then it’s entirely dependent on their mood .

#privatulo #☆ ( mail . ) / ❝ 🇸🇹🇴🇵 🇸🇹🇦🇷🇮🇳🇬 🇦🇹 🇲🇪 🇱🇮🇰🇪 🇮'🇲 🇸🇴🇲🇪 🇫🇮🇱🇹🇭🇾 🇨🇷🇪🇦🇹🇺🇷🇪 ! ❞

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spncanonbigbang · 7 years

Text

Masterpost 2017

Under the read more you’ll find the list of all the mini and big bangs from this year’s event. Enjoy and see you next year!

| 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020

MiniBangs

Shut Up and Dance, Dean Winchester by Ailuromatron | art by emmatheslayer 8,3k; Teen and Up Audiences; Castiel/Dean Winchester

Dean is not going to think about the way Cas’ sudden withdrawal overlaps with the mental feedback Dean’s been experiencing here. He wouldn’t know what to make of it anyway, whether it’d be ironic or fitting or what. But if Castiel shutting him out turned out to be because Dean is loosening up, letting ideas form in his head more clearly than before—that would burn like a hot blade, and it just doesn’t bear looking too closely. It’s not the only thing tonight that doesn’t bear close inspection for the sake of Dean’s sanity. He damn near trips over his own feet when confronted by the south side of a north-facing Cas—seriously, when and where did he get that pair of ink-black jeans and in what universe is the way they fit his thighs not illegal?—and he’s pathetically grateful for the excuse of a rough patch of asphalt to blame it on when the others turn back to see what happened to him.

Misery & Solace by theackles | art by thruterryseyes 5k; General Audiences; Dean Winchester/Castiel

It’s been a week. One long, painfully numb week. The days went by one by one until Dean didn’t know what day it was anymore. Dean can feel the ache in his bones. He can’t move, he can barely think. He’s gotta get Cas back, even if it means working with Rowena and (almost) killing himself in the process.

A Lesson in Adapting by distortedrain | art by emotionallyunstabl 5,6k; Teen and Up Audiences; Castiel/Dean Winchester

The Winchesters settle into the Bunker and learn to hunt a little less a live a little more.

Fin ad Infinitum (The End Evermore) by AmberAnnh | art by lux-tuli 8,5k; PG-13; Gen

In “The End” Dean got the chance to see the future, zapped to a 2014 where the consequences of his choices had played out. Now, it’s Sam’s turn. Transported from 2009 to 2014, he must grapple with a demonic virus from his past, angels using the remnants of humanity as disposable vessels, the devil in his nightmares, and—perhaps worst of all—why Dean said “yes” to Michael.

If These Rooms Have Memories by KelpietheThundergod | art by malallory 12k; Mature; implied Castiel/Dean Winchester

Sudden light and sound make him flinch, but then, oh—cartoons! Awesome. Except then, the tall man comes over and takes the button-thingie out of his hand and shuts the cartoons off. “Dean, listen. The witches are gone, and they’ve got the Grimoire. We’re gonna do a spell to slow down the curse to buy some time, and then—” The man cuts himself off and his serious expression turns into one of exasperation. “You forgot again, didn’t you?”

Something Special by Durenjtmusings | art by Busy Squirrel 11,3k; General Audiences; Gen

What makes something special? Special enough for people to pay any price, beyond even their lives? Welcome to Lost and Found, Ltd., experts in finding very, very special things. Things that can be yours if you are willing to trade something very special in return. Well, and often even if you aren’t. [Canon-compliant possible backstory for both characters and objects in Supernatural: Dean, Sam, Bobby, Ruby, Jimmy Novak, Daniel Elkins, the Impala, Ruby’s knife, Dean’s Colt, Sam’s Taurus, the Samulet and The Colt.]

Exit: Light by hexmaniacchoco | art by quiescentcastiel 22,5k; Teen and Up Audiences; Gen

Dean, Sam, and Cas are relaxing in the bunker when Sam finds them a case involving three college students who’ve gotten themselves into trouble while playing a summoning game they found online, resulting in a nearly fatal incident. After investigating and figuring out what people are summoning into their homes, they decide to summon it as well in order to kill it. However, things aren’t quite what they seem at first, and a misjudgement of the situation finds TFW with the disadvantage as they walk around a pitch-black bunker trying to search out the creature they’re hunting without mistaking each other for it instead.

Mirror, Mirror by Jerksarehot | art by emmatheslayer 10,6k; Explicit; Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester

A witch with a taste for human souls reveals a secret to Dean before escaping with a promise to return. The boys recruit some help from Bobby to find a way to track and kill her. Dean must now decide if he should tell Sam the truth and risk losing him, or keep his dark secret and risk Sam’s life and his own soul.

The Night Goes By by indigoneutrino | art by Loracine 8,3k; Mature; Gen

It’s a long night when Sam and Dean first arrive at the prison, separated from each other to be strip searched, manhandled and humiliated before being thrown into cramped concrete cells. The nights that follow are longer.

Some Kind Of Monster by Hermit9 | art by Dmsilvisart 6,8k; Teen and Up Audiences; Gen

After leaving the Bunker and the Winchesters, Castiel attempts to earn his penance (again) by tracking down the escaped Lucifer. Crowley tagging along is both a blessing and a curse, the silver-tongued devil an asset during the investigations. If only he didn’t drive Castiel out of his mind. Set during and around “American Nightmare” up to “Rock Never dies”

A Mother’s Love by Leahlisabeth | art by kuwlshadow 5,2k; Teen and Up Audiences; Gen

Mary loves her boys, really she does, but she can’t quite seem to click with Sam. She’ll need to figure it out when a mother’s love is the only thing that can save him from a witches curse.

BigBangs

Always Stuck In Second Gear by ThayerKerbasy | art by dmsilvisart 29k; Teen and Up Audiences; Gen

After Wendy Vincente spilled the location of her brother’s secret cabin, Agents Beyoncé and Jay-Z had a lead to follow. Tracking Lucifer while confined to a pickup truck wasn’t exactly Crowley’s preferred modus operandi, but at least he was in good company.

and by me, i mean us by puckity | art by winchesterchola 16,5k; Explicit; Sam Winchester/Dean Winchester; Very Light Sam Winchester/Castiel

After what they think was just a routine case, Sam starts feelings things that he can’t quite put a name to. Things that aren’t really his but aren’t not his either. So he does what he always does: runs some tests, collects the data, and starts drawing conclusions. And then Dean does what he always does–comes in and tangles everything, including Sam, up. Timelined in early Season 12, prior to “First Blood” (12.09).

Blue Moon Rising by Treefrogie84 | art by Mayalaen 56,1k; Mature; Dean/Castiel, Dean/Lisa Braeden, Castiel/Dean/Lisa Braeden

Dean promised Sam that he would walk away from hunting, walk away from his family, and live some normal apple-pie life with Lisa. He did his best to do that– pulled the weapons out of the trunk, turned his back on Cas and Bobby, started spending his evenings with Lisa and Ben at Little League practice. But monsters don’t stop hurting folks, Hell doesn’t stop being Hell, and Heaven doesn’t start caring about humanity just because Dean’s retired.

Thunder on the Mountain by Skitty | art by kuwlshadow 23k; PB-13; Gen

A string of strange and seemingly unrelated tragedies are plaguing the Appalachian region. Children disappear. Men go insane. Hikers are mauled by large animals. And always…traveling Northward. Sam and Dean pick up the hunt in a small town outside the national forest. The creature they’re hunting is one of legend, feared by the native tribes that once populated the area centuries ago. With the unexpected aide of a strange woman also appearing to hunt the creature, the boys must attempt to bring it down before they lose their minds completely.

An Even Trade by PaperAnn | art by GlitchedWings 42,7k; Explicit; Sam Winchester/Gabriel

You’d think being relentlessly pursued by a tall, dark and handsome hunter would be an exciting game of chase. Until it wasn’t. Gabriel was growing bored of Sam Winchester’s constant tailing, still obsessed with getting his brother back, even though the Trickster was doing the kid a favor by offing Dean, thank you very much. He had to make this entertaining again, this new merciless killing-machine-Sam was no fun. They entered into a deal: Sam would work a case under the guise of a Trickster to see the reason behind the mischief by serving up a case of Just Desserts. If Sam won? He got Dean back. If he lost…well, Sam wasn’t going to lose, no matter the cost. Except, seven days of living on top of one another made Sam see beyond the monster who ruined him and back to the witty, cute janitor he met at Crawford Hall. There was also the problem of the two men, who were clearly attracted to each other, alone in a motel room for a full week. It was an accident waiting to happen. The puzzle was, neither knew who was manipulating who, if it was all a ploy or real emotions were coming out to play. The only thing both men recognized was something real was happening. And they were running out of time.

Lock & Key by MyShipWillNeverSink | art by Gabedrawz 18k; Explicit; Dean Winchester/Castiel

Canon divergent from 9x03. Dean and Cas set off on a hunt as a distraction from the guilt Dean feels for betraying his brother’s trust (again). Things go awry when Castiel falls through a frozen river, and things aren’t at all what they seem.

Build a Home by domesticadventures | art by myukur 20k; Teen and Up Audiences; Dean/Cas; background Sam/Eileen and Krissy/Josephine

After they save the world, Dean expects Cas to come back to the bunker with them. He doesn’t.

What Went Wrong Yesterday by cinnamonanddean | art by stormbrite 16,2k; Explicit; Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester

With Broward County in their rearview and a new case in their laps, Sam struggles to come to terms with the six months he spent alone after Dean’s death - and the fact that it never happened at all. And on top of it all, he now has to deal with the feelings for his brother that have been dragged to the surface.

The Heart of Ophelia by anyrei and mugglerock | art by nonexistenz 39k; Explicit; Dean Winchester/Castiel

Always throwing himself in harm’s way for the Winchesters, Castiel ends up getting hit with a love curse. Under the influence of fabricated emotions, Castiel learns just how dangerous unrequited love can be. And Dean learns what it means to doubt everything he’s ever believed. They have a week to find a way to lift the curse, otherwise the intoxication of “love” will kill Castiel. Literally.

When Words Fade, Music Speaks by Pinkmink | art by Dreymart 16,9k; Explicit; Dean Winchester/Castiel

The Brits have Dean running ragged all across the country. When Cas returns from his not-so-brief time in Heaven, Dean finds them a case in New Orleans. It’s supposed to feel like a Winchester version of vacation - voodoo, good food and a simple salt and burn. But the trip turns out to be a far more cathartic release than he bargained for.

Fight or Flight by ellispark | art by emotionallyunstabl 23k; Mature; Dean Winchester/Castiel, Sam Winchester/Eileen Leahy

Just when Dean’s started to feel good about his life — the end is not nigh, and his brother and his angel are safe in the bunker — Sam and Cas start keeping secrets from him. It’s not a big deal, at least not at first. Everyone needs to play some things close to the chest. But when Dean finds out what they’ve been hiding, the bubble of carefree happiness he’s carefully placed around his family finally bursts.

Long Distance by grey2510 | art by Marsjay 18,9k; Teen and Up Audiences; Jody Mills/Asa Fox, Dean Winchester/Castiel, Sam Winchester/Eileen Leahy

Losing someone is never easy, nor is having them far away, no matter how often it happens in a hunter’s life. When Jody, Sam, and Dean travel up to Canada for the wake and funeral of Asa Fox, each is forced to confront some truths about family and who is really important in their lives.

Entwined Souls by sweet-sammy-kisses | art by lux-tuli 16,3k; Teen and Up Audiences; Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester

Sam was all prepared to spend eternity in the cage trapped at the mercy of Lucifer and Michael if it meant that Dean would be safe. What no one counted on was Chuck to come back or turn out to be God. With Ellen, Ash and Jo brought back as a thank you gift for all the boys have done Dean and Sam are at a loss of what to do when Chuck announces he is taking the angels back to heaven and closing the gates of hell up. There is one thing the boys both want and that is the one thing they are afraid to go after, each other. But after almost losing each other one too many times they decide to take a chance and now the life of retirement is discovering the next step in their relationship.

Humanity's Angels by Ami Rose | art by sevenspirals 94k; Explicit; Dean Winchester/Castiel, Background Sam Winchester/Eileen Leahy, Background Original Characters OT3

To get their minds off of Kelly Kline, Lucifer, and the BMOL, Dean and Sam take a case in Northern Arizona where a rogue angel was seen flashing his wings at a film festival and ranting about blasphemy. They quickly realize that there might be more to this case than they’d initially thought. The angel fits all the characteristics of being a ghost—EMF readings, see-through body, air chilling ability, and all. A local man is found with his eyes burned out like he was the victim of a smiting keeps them in town after salting and burning the angel’s buried vessel in hopes of dispelling his ghost.

Between all of this, Dean is finding it hard to keep his feelings for Cas under wraps. Especially when everywhere he looks and everyone he talks to reminds him of how much energy he’s spent hiding his sexuality from his family over the years.

Will watching the ghost angel’s grieving best friend mourn the loss of the angel he’d loved spur Dean into confessing his own feelings before it’s too late? Will an angel from Cas’s past be able to succeed where Ishim failed? Who the hell has Sam been texting? Will someone please tell Mary what the hell is going on with her sons? Will any of Team Free Will learn to use their damn words?

#supernatural #supernatural fanfic #spn family #spn #fanfic masterpost #masterpost 2017 #masterpost

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