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nickrbockr · 6 years

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Simon Vs Fan Fic: Chapter 10 - Lightly Down Unto A Pillow

Ao3

“Can I at least have the ring box?” I request from Dad in more of an order than a question.

Dad could see that it was about that time as he agreed to get the ring and went upstairs to retrieve it.

It was the day before our anniversary and proposal day. At the end of January is when the snow and slush in the streets stops being fun and starts being annoying. This winter break has been wonderful, filled with Abby and Nick explaining all of their fun stories, Leah taking our conversations to use as examples in her sociology finals, and Bram and I spending nearly every single second together.

School was due to start again, but I informed all of my professors before I left for break that I may miss the first few days of their classes. After I told them why, most of them smiled, nodded their heads, and told me they’d email me the syllabi and what I can work on before I come back. One of them even bought me a bottle of wine as a gift.

I finished the poem on New Years Eve with Bram laying on my chest. I both wanted him to stay and leave because I wanted to write the rest of the poem but I could never ask him to leave when he looked so comfortable and I loved seeing him there. The smell of bacon did, however, motivate both of us to get up as we came downstairs to Mom, Dad, Nora, Ian, and Alice.

“Good morning star shines,” Alice said sipping coffee.

“Alice is so cool,” Ian said, shoveling eggs into his mouth. “She doesn’t know too much about soccer, but neither do you, but that’s okay, she makes up for it in smarts.”

“Thank you…what’s your name again?” Alice asks.

“Ian.”

I make Bram and I plates as my family makes small talk over their breakfasts. It was fun seeing everyone sitting and talking and getting along with each other. It made me think of Bram and I’s wedding day and how I would make him plan all of it, mostly because asking his parents, getting the ring, and doing what I’m doing for the proposal took a lot out of me. Plus I know he loves planning, especially with the logistics of a wedding.

I didn’t talk much at the table because I kept repeating the lines over and over in my head that I wanted to add to the poem. I would catch Bram stealing glances at me and it made me so unbelievably happy. I grabbed his hand as I repeated lines over and over again in my head while he ate with his free hand.

We finished breakfast and Bram had to leave as he was getting yet another call from his work. He kissed me on the cheek and ran out to his car. His butt looked so good when he ran; it was the best part of watching him play soccer in high school. Once he drove away, I rushed upstairs to write all the thoughts I kept repeating to myself over and over again through breakfast. I hope nobody said anything too important because I wasn’t listening at all.

There. I did it. I was finally done. I wrote the final poem on a clean sheet of paper and read it over and over again. This was it, I hope he likes it!

Bram and I celebrated his birthday a few weeks later where I was tempted again to propose, but I still didn’t have the ring and Bram deserved a ring. And the proposal, so I obviously didn’t say anything and the normally insightful Bram didn’t even notice my weird energy because he seemed preoccupied himself.

“What’s on your mind?” I ask him. His pensive stare was so stoic, statuesque, and sexy that when I broke his trance, I was a little upset with myself. “Thinking about school?”

“Yeah.” Bram said, a bit hollowly. “Like usual when we get back into the groove of being together we have to go back to being apart.”

“But hey, at least you didn’t have to take the January semester this year, that’s something. And we’re going to be able to be with each other this year on our anniversary.”

When Bram heard the word anniversary, he smiled and his rigidness began to melt as he leaned his head on me.

“You’re right, sorry. I want this year’s anniversary to be the best we’ve had so far.”

I couldn’t agree more. We took anniversaries very seriously since the day in his Honda Civic. It was a big step for him and an important deal for us. It was when, for the first time in a long time, either of us felt so…normal. Not having to hide and having each other every step of the way. It was the reason I wanted to propose on our anniversary, the meaning will be more than obvious. I kissed him on the forehead, knowing what was coming and him (hopefully) blissfully unaware of what was to come. That was last week and tomorrow is the big night.

Dad came back downstairs with a black felt ring box with a red bow wrapped around it. He handed it to me and I took it gently. I know Dad spent a lot of time finding this ring and I could see it in his watering eyes that it meant a lot to him to be a part of the proposal in this way. It’s always hard for sons to tell their fathers properly how much they mean to each other, gay or straight.

“Thank you so much Dad. You know, don’t tell Mom, but now you have the most involvement with the proposal.”

Dad let a smile grow in his face. “You know what, you’re right and I’m going to hold on to that feeling. Speaking of that, how are you feeling? Tomorrow will come super fast.”

“Yep.” I wasn’t as nervous as I could be because of Mom. Yesterday we went shopping and gathered all of the ingredients for dinner. It was nice to have her there to remember all the necessary items I would have forgotten and then I’d be serving Bram and I peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which he would love too but I wanted tomorrow to be more special than PB&J.

“It’s alight to be nervous, Si. They don’t call it float lightly down onto a pillow, they call it jumping in.” Dad is wise as he is nerdy. Now I know where I get it from.

I have the ring and that was the most important (and last) thing on my mental checklist. Leah was on her way over to help me hang the pictures again before she had to go to another reunion meeting at the high school.

“I just don’t understand why they need to meet with you so much.” I ask while we re-tabe the backs of all the cut out pictures.

“There’s a lot of logistics into planning such a big event, Si. Tables, chairs, caterers, hotels, the school itself, and everyone has an opinion.” She replies sticking a picture in an empty spot.

“But to have a meeting every other day the entire time you’ve been back from Yale? What did they do when you were not in Shady Creek?”

“Oh, they did fine. It’s just different when the date grows closer and closer people tend to become more flustered with already decided paths. Speaking of that, you’re calm?” Leah jokes.

“I kinda am…I think I’ve finally taken all of my family’s and friend’s advice. I’m starting to think I should have been doing this since high school, I feel great!”

Leah and I finish the collage of pictures and it looks even better than it did last month when we did it. Alice knocked on the door and Alice brought in the dozen roses I ordered.

“Alice? I thought you had to hit the road?”

“Me too, but it seems the weather has a different story.” She showed me her phone and her flight was cancelled. There’s a storm in Boston, so flights were grounded until further notice. “Apparently it could be a few days, so it looks like I’ll be able so see this proposal after all.”

I smiled so wide and hugged Alice as I took the roses and she patted me on the back.

“So what are you going to spell out anyway?” Alice asked.

“The idea is ‘Abraham,’ but let’s see if a dozen roses is enough.”

Alice, Leah and I all pluck off the petals and pile them up until only green stems remained.

“He loves me, he loves me not.” Leah said, jokingly. We finished spelling Abraha on the bed. I didn’t spell that wrong, we were out of petals.

“You could just disperse the amount of petals so you have enough for the ‘m.’” Alice suggested.

“But I like how the letters look with tighter petal overlap.” Leah commented.

“Or I we could just spell Bram?” I say.

Leah and Alice teamed up with me for a judgmental look.

“Oh, no, no, no, Simon.” Alice starts.

“No-no,” Leah adds.

“Are you proposing to him or are you ‘prop-ing’ to him?” They both walked up to me with glares.

“No nicknames?”

“Correct,” Alice said. “I’ll go buy another dozen. My treat, Bub.” Alice leaves the room and blows me a kiss. While she’s gone, Leah and I begin to unwrap and set up candles around my room.

“This has got to be a fire hazard. And what are your parents going to do with all these candles when you’re done using them for ten minutes?” She asked.

“I dunno, tell your reunion committee you have parting gifts.”

“Who would want to a partially used candle?”

“People who actually go to the reunion.” Leah shot me a look. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Speaking of which, I’ll be at school hopefully done with the meeting tomorrow night to be back to celebrate after. I promise I won’t miss it.”

I told my parents and the gang to come to the house around 10pm to have a celebratory drink. I guess you could say I did have some confidence Bram would say yes now.

“You better not, if I wanted anyone else there after Bram, it would be you.”

She smiles and winks at my as we finish strategically placing the candles around my room. We talked about how Nick and Abby still have not confirmed who the other person in their relationship and that made us think it could be someone from high school. That lead into speculation and more creeping on social media with old high school acquaintances who went to school or live in New York. During our investigation, Alice returned with another bouquet of roses. We shut the computer quickly and stared at her.

“I saw Simon do that only once, so I don’t want to know what you were looking at.”

She laughs as Leah gives me a disgusted look and I deny every claim they make. We finish spelling Abraham on the bed and it looks really good. So good that I realized I didn’t want to move it.

“Looks like the couch has my name on it.” I say. Ian flew back to Yale yesterday. Both Leah and I wanted him to stay, but the professors weren’t as forgiving to have him miss his first days. Alice sees the ring box with the bow from Dad.

“He finally gave it to you?” Alice commented. “That only took forever.”

“I have faith that Dad had his reasons and that it will be badass.”

“It will be…and Simon, your room. This all looks badass, good job.” Alice complimented.

“Now that I see it all together, it does Simon. Bram is going to love the collage.”

“Well, in the theatre world,” I start to Leah sighing and Alice making a fart noise with her mouth and hand. “In the theatre world! Sometimes the best way to build a good pay off is misdirection: have Bram notice the candles so I can shut the door which will lead him to the bed with his name spelled out so I can pull out the ring and get on one knee and by the time he turns around, he sees me, the ring, and the pictures of us. And he’ll be recently fed, so he’ll be in an even better mood.”

“Good planning, Si,” Alice commented. She said the words, but it sounded like there was a space of her feeling underwhelmed. I’m probably just looking into it so I look to Leah who is nodding her head in approval, so at least I have that going for me.

“Si!” Nora shouted from downstairs. “Bram is here!”

I smile like I always smile when I hear my boyfriend’s name, soon to be fiancé’s name.

“Remember, we all have to keep him out of my room. Which will be hard because we both like my room.”

“Not the only thing that will be hard.” Leah jokes. Ian has rubbed off on her. And now I guess so have I. Someone stop me.

“Ew, gross, you got it, Bub, we won’t let him anywhere near the threshold.” Alice promised.

We all head downstairs and there in a nice v-neck and black jeans was my beautiful boyfriend, sun setting behind him. I immediately go up to him and kiss him, extra long, extra hard.

“What’s that for?” He asks, coyly since we kissed in front of my siblings and parents.

“For fun.” I reply.

Leah had to go to her meeting she went to Creekwood as the family, Bram, and I all go to Waffle House for dinner. it was Alice’s idea to get as out of the house and to give more reason not to have Bram and I go to my room.

“So how’s relaxing been, Bram?” Dad asked. “Seems like you’ve definitely needed it by the way Simon’s made it sound.”

“Not the best,” Bram answered. Since the beginning of his break, the station and his professors have been calling him at least once or twice a day, he’s been typing away on his computer when we’ve been hanging out on the couch, and he’s been a little distracted lately. I haven’t minded, I love watching him work. He’s also been pleasantly surprised because I am not the completely needy Simon I have been in the past. Wonder where all this new confidence came from? “Even though I didn’t take the January Semester it feels like I still am. I may tell them to give me a few credits.”

“I hate to see you too stressed out, B,” I reply, rubbing his shoulder. He put his hand on my hand.

“Well, it should be over soon. Working for the station is fun, but finishing school at the same time is work. I won’t miss college, I guarantee. Simon, we should go on a nice, long vacation this summer or fall before we move to New York.”

I planned on that. As a wedding present, Mom and Dad offered to help pay for our honeymoon. In return, Mom made sure I promised to visit the house, with Bram, for no less than four major holidays per year. I think we could pull that off. I have a few places in mind once the proposal part is over and Bram and I can talk about it together.

Together. Together forever. God I like the sound of that. I squeeze his shoulder and his hand squeezes mine in response.

“I agree, you deserve a good vacation.”

Bram’s phone rings and he closes his eyes and exhales. He wipes his mouth and looks at the call. “Sorry guys, I have to take this.” He stands up from the table and walks outside to take the call.

“He needs to relax,” Mom said, staring at him through the restaurant window. “He’ll have the rest of his life to stress about work.”

We continued to chat and eat for a few minutes until I saw Bram hang up the phone and place his hands on his head. Alice followed my glance and looked at Bram too until until entered the doors. He’s so cute, but he looks so torn.

“Hey, Alice, can I talk to you outside?”

We all look at Alice who finishes sipping her Diet Coke and looks up at Bram. She is good at handling herself in awkward situations.

“Sure.” Alice gets up and looks to me with ‘don’t hate me’ eyes.

“Is everything okay?” I ask, kind of starting to get worried.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just a work related question that I don’t want to bore you all with. It won’t be long.” He shoots me a reassuring smile and my anxiety melts away. If there was a problem worth talking to me about he would. New Simon trusts his boyfriend.

Alice and Bram walk outside and we all try to not look as a group but all we can do is look at random times. When I first look, Bram looked like he was explaining something with Alice intently listening. I looked back at my plate and swirled around the last of my waffle in syrup. When I looked again, Bram paced as Alice spoke with a calm expression. I ate the last bite of my waffle and sipped my water and when I looked the last time, they were hugging. That’s a good sign, right?

They walk back in together and Alice yells from the front door, “Family, don’t be weird about this, let’s just finish eating, people are entitled to have conversations with other people in private.” The other patrons stared at them as they walked past the tables and finished eating. I turned to Bram.

“So everything is good?” I ask again, just to be clear.

Bram smiles. “Yep, Alice is a smart lady.”

He kisses my cheek and finishes his meal. Bram knows I’ve been better at being more confident and trusting and not second guessing but there is tiny, minute, microscopic seed growing in warmth below my stomach. I was becoming nervous. ‘It’s okay to be nervous’ I heard Dad’s words in my head, ‘it’s why it’s called jumping in.’ Maybe this was just proposal nerves and I was over reacting to my possible fiancé speaking to my sister in private outside a Waffle House. When I said it out loud, the growing burn went back to a subtle luke-warmness. The premise was laughable and a smile returned to my face as I placed my arm around his chair. I leaned on his shoulder and I could feel him chew.

Mom paid the bill and we all piled in the car back to the house. Nora and Alice were belted out ‘Ironic’ when it came on the radio to the entertainment of all of us in the car. When we got to the house, Bram pulled me aside.

“Hey handsome,” he started. He called me handsome when he was about to ask me a favor.

“Hi gorgeous,” I reply.

“Would you be mad at me if I went home? I had a late night last night and I have more work to do and I’d rather finish it tonight so it can be just us all day tomorrow?”

I pulled Bram to me and laid a warm, deep kiss on his lips. He went to pull back but I kept going and he stopped pulling away. I placed my hands on his cheeks and he placed his hands lightly on mine. When I pulled away, I could see his plump, moist lips and he bit his bottom one.

“Never, ever. I love you Abraham Greenfeld. When you need to work, you need to work. You’re all mine tomorrow.” I give him one light kiss and he smiles, but not as brightly as he usually does. “Seriously, last time I’ll ask, are you sure you’re okay?”

He looked up at me with his coffee brown eyes as the last remnants of the sun glisten in his eyes.

“I love you more, and yes.” He places his hand on my cheek and lean into it.

“Then go do what you need to do. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Bram walks towards his car and stops. His frame has never looked tighter and reminded me of a Greek statue. He didn’t move for a moment until he turned around and walked back to me with a quick pace. He kissed me hard. Passionately. Aggressively. I felt so protected as our lips moved in pressing motions against another and my knees started to feel weak. After what felt like five minutes, he slows his kisses until he pulls away and licks his lips.

“I love you, so incredibly, so deeply, Simon.”

“I love you so, so, so much. Now go before I change my mind.”

He smiles and this time goes to his car and leaves. I go back inside and my family is talking about tomorrow and how excited they are but my mind is still focused back on the minute burning of nerves. Leah only stays for about an hour before she goes home and then we all gather around the TV to watch more Bachelor episodes. After four episodes Mom, Dad, and Nora go to sleep and Alice stays next to me on the couch.

“I know you can’t stop thinking about what happened at dinner.” She said.

“It’s not just that.” I say. “It’s a combination of that and I’m nervous for tomorrow and I can sense Bram isn’t telling me something, but he wants to.” When I said this scenario out loud, it didn’t sound crazy like when I thought it back at the restaurant. The nervous burn grew a little in size. Alice exhaled loudly and didn’t say anything. She usually has something to say, whether it is helpful or hilarious, but this time she was just quiet. The burn grew again.

“Simon, trust Bram. Trust yourselves. Trust.”

Alice kisses me on the head and covers me up on the couch. I felt like she wanted to say more but knew not to say anything else. There’s nothing she could really say to me right now that would make me feel calmer. Except maybe Bub.

Everything I felt I learned over the past year with confidence, every part of me that has grown in my relationship was hinging on this moment. Will I fall back into old habits of self-sabotage or fall forward into progress?

My mind was going over everything it could, analyzing the last six months. Conversations with Bram, conversations about Bram with Abby, Nick and Leah, and it all didn’t have any raised flags. I scrolled through out texts as far back as my phone had saved them and it all came up nothing. I went through Bram’s social media presence that was low. He only appeared in tagged pictures on Facebook and barely used Instagram, both of which provided no insight. Perhaps I was just over thinking it.

I turned the TV on to try to allow the dull glow of Forensic Files to lull me to sleep. It was on low volume, I was warm, it was late, but nothing worked me into a restful state to fall asleep. A new episode was about to start when my phone vibrated. I closed my eyes not to sleep, but to prepare myself. It was three thirty-eight. Alerts at three thirty-eight were never good.

Bram Come outside. Please. . .. … I know you’re up.

He knew me too well. It took all of my strength to fight my gut instinct and plunge backwards into old Simon and start making wild accusations in my head, causing me not to be present while we talked. I breathed in and out for a few moments before I replied.

Be out in a minute.

I put on my coat and a hat and I go outside to have my glasses immediately fog in the cold weather. Through the fog I can see Bram’s car and the trail of exhaust coming from the tail pipe. I walk slowly towards the car, both because it was cold and I was even more nervous than before and wanted more time to prepare. I determined that whatever Bram had to say to me in person at three-thirty in the morning, I had to let him speak and I could not answer at all or I may not be able to hold back the vomit or tears or words I’m trying so hard to keep from coming out. Which is crazy because I don’t even know if what he says will be bad. But a part of me knows it’s not good.

I reach the door and I open it, getting in the front seat to a warmer car. The car door shut and my glasses fogged slightly in the change of temperature. Blurry Bram was still so cute, but his expression was very serious. I can also see in the back seat where there are bags. Not a good start.

“Simon.” Bram whispers, barely moving his lips, staring at his steering wheel.

I didn’t answer. I think Bram knew I wouldn’t…I couldn’t answer. He inhaled, looked down at his chest and shifted his body toward mine.

“I was going to drop a letter in your mailbox…but when I got to it, I couldn’t do it. You deserve better than a letter.”

I was starting to become a little numb, but not from the cold. The nervous fire grew inside me.

“I knew I had to tell you in person so you didn’t think I was a coward.”

Hold it together, Spier. I fought urges to speak as I sat in the passenger seat staring at the dashboard.

“The call I took at Waffle House…it was the station. They knew I was heading to New York after graduation and so they promoted me to give me on-air experience. For the next six months, I’ll be writing and filming my own news stories. I start Tuesday. I have to leave now to get back in time.”

The nervous fire was extinguished, but what was left was emptiness. It wasn’t bad news, but I also wasn’t thrilled. Bram put his hand on mine and squeezed and I squeezed back.

“I know how much our anniversary means to us and I guess I was so afraid of letting you down that I was…I just was so scared to tell you because this moment, right now, pains me so much.”

He moved his hand to my face and I fell into it. I looked at Bram and he moved his eyes away from mine. I was formulating what I wanted to say as he continued.

“But I know that our future is also important, for both of us. Not just my future, but our future. This could be a very big deal and help us settle when we move and –”

“Bram,” I finally say, moving my fingers across his lips. “Go.” It sounded harsher than I meant it and Bram shot me a weird, hurt look. I had to clarify because that look stabs me, shreds my insides, and leaves me breathless. “You have to go. This is a big opportunity that can be good for your career. And our future. It’s a no brainer.”

He exhaled hard as a tear fell from his eye. I wiped it away with my thumb and held back my own. I spoke in fragments to drive home that I meant what I said. He leaned in to me more.

“I love you so much. I love that you care so deeply about us. But I’m also not selfish enough to want keep you here if this is something you need to do. And we’ll have many more anniversaries to come.” Bram still wasn’t looking up, it was time to return the favor he sent me months ago. I started to sing softly as I leaned closer to him.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know, Bram, how much I love you, so please don’t take my sunshine away.”

Bram squeezed his eyes and more tears fell out when he finally looked up at me with hazy pink eyes.

“We’re Simon and Bram,” I told him, pulling his face closer to mine. “Don’t feel bad at all, don’t feel guilty at all. We got this. I’m going to miss the hell out of you, but hopefully I can see you more than twice this semester.”

Our lips are just inches apart until I pull him to mine and lay a kiss upon them.

“I love you so much, Simon. I promise this will all be worth it.”

I remained silent. I needed to remain silent. If I didn’t, I’d cry myself and in a couple when one of you is hurting, the other has to be the lighthouse leading you out of the hurt. If both are lost, you may never find a way out. It’s why it took us so long in high school to find each other in the first place.

Since I have no words, I kiss him again, both our lips tremble. I click the handle and step out of his car. He rolls down the window as I shut the door and I lean in one last time.

“Text me when you land,” I ask. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle hearing your voice.” He nods quickly and wipes his face from the tears. I extend my hand to him and he grabs it and kisses it repeatedly and places it against his cheek. “I love you Abraham Louis Greenfeld.”

I pull my hand away from his warm cheek and with it goes the warmth from my heart. The window rolls up and Bram drives away. I’m left on the lightly snowy grass, cold, not being able to move, lost in thought.

When I walk back, it hits me that Bram left. Everything I’ve been planning since August has evaporated before four o’clock in the morning on the day of our anniversary. No more proposal. At least not today.

It knocked the wind out of me as I opened my bedroom to see all the candles and flower petals spelling Abraham. I felt so much weird pain, but we didn’t break up, but why did it feel that way? Why do I feel empty and Why can’t I talk to Bram about why I feel this way? I didn’t fall backwards, but I didn’t feel like I moved forward either. I just stayed put, is that better? When life is running forward, can you afford to sit on the track and let it out of your sight?

I lay on my bed on top of the rose petals and feel the lump of my poem notebook on my back. I kept it there to also remind me to memorize it. That was it, that was the trigger that caused me to bawl. Why does it feel like such a let down? It’s not like I won’t propose another day, but I wanted to badly to be engaged. I want to be Bram Greenfeld’s fiancé, I want to be Bram Greenfeld’s husband. And I know that’s selfish but I want to be selfish about Bram. I worked so hard with Elijah and Tracy and Mom and Dad and everyone else’s support. I guess it feels like not only was I let down, but I let them down as well.

It was still our anniversary and I didn’t want to associate this night with all the rest of them. Bram didn’t deserve my selfishness to affect our day. I pulled out my phone and decided to text Bram

Bram, I don’t want our fifth anniversary to be associated with either of us feeling this way. I did have some things planned, but there was one gift I have to give you.

I didn’t have to look at the notebook; I had it memorized.

Blue Oreos – A poem for Abraham Greenfeld

Blue Oreos Digitally sent in heart shapes Punctuation. Is. Key. To. Identity. Wrapped shirts Pinned notes Not ready for Spotlight But ready to grow Steps of a Baby Started light, became heavy Nothing we couldn’t carry Ferris Wheel, Tilt a Whirl We realized we weren’t for girls He saved me Beating hearts Touching skin Skipping Lunch Together again. College came, nothing changed We got strong We got game There may been doubt But not by us Because what I want Is You. Always you. Forever you. Us.

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