#sorry to see and percieve the truth but i am right | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

silentmoths · 2 years

Note

hello! i hope you're having a good day, i'm the same anon who requested the touch starved masc reader ^o^ i'm here to request something again if that's alright with you - mmmm maybe a reader who is an EXTREME perfectionist, on the outside they are arrogant, confident, and intelligent but on the inside they constantly worry that if they make one single mistake everybody's opinions on them will change forever? they have a mental breakdown & zhongli walks in >:) masc, fem, gn - its up to you! :D

Hello again friend! Sorry I didn't get to your request sooner! but absolutely!! Ft: Zhongli/ Gn Reader Hurt/Comfort, reader's very bad not good mental health, Zhongli being a very good boy, fluff, smooching

SFW

Today had not been a good day.

Stupid, like you can ever do anything right.

It had been a moment of weakness, a question that you dind’t know how to answer immediately; that wasn’t like you.

what if people thought you were stupid? what if they thought you were an idiot? that everything was a lie? That you weren't this cool, amazing, confident person you claimed to be?

fuck....fuck

How long had it been since you'd felt that familiar tightness in your chest? caught somewhere between an unscratchable itch and drowning. That terrible feeling of impending doom, the lightness in your head and the sting in your eyes? It'd been years since you'd had a panic attack, and over something so insignificant as a simple question no less?

you really were pathetic.

what was the point of all fo this? did you have any idea what your purpose in life actually was? 'fake it till you make it' they always said. Who were they anyway?

"y/n.... y/n!"

You can't even stop the shocked, strangled gasp of surprise when a familiar voice calls your name, hand landing on your shoulder as you whip your head up to blink at the sudden intruder to your panic attack.

"Zhongli- uh- H-Hey what's up? Ya need somethin?" yeah even you could tell he wasn't going to let the shake in your voice slip.

Zhongli's face simply softens as he sits beside you, hand shifting from your shoulder to twine his fingers with your own, it's enough to make the sting in your eyes even worse.

"You do not always have to be perfect you know."

"But...if I'm not then...who am I?" the response comes easily, it really shouldn't, but Zhongli always had this strange way of pulling the truth from you with minimal effort.

"You're you. You're human, everyone makes mistakes, even Rex Lapis has made mistakes."

"Doubt it." you snort, totally missing the slight smirk that tugs briefly on his lips.

"You would be surprised." He chuckles, tugging you close and pressing his lips to the top of your head. "For all the bluster and confidence you exhume, at heart I know you worry so very much about how you're percieved."

You squirm in his grip, being called out like this wasn't exactly on the lift of things you enjoyed, but he doesn't let you go, instead he just continues to press soft, teeth-achingly sweet kisses to your hair and face.

"Everyone has their flaws...Take myself for example, I'm constantly forgetting to bring mora, Childe? he can become too caught up with his own thirst for battle to see more obvious problems...Xiangling? well, she occasionally lacks the forethought that not everyone wishes to eat hillichurl skin or slime condensate."

You pull a face, remembering the last time she'd got you with the damn slime condensate.

"You may not percieve yourself as perfect, but no one else percieves themselves that way either. perfection is difficult to obtain and near impossible to hold onto."

"What about Ningguang? she's perfect all the time." You retort, wiping uselessly at your watering eyes.

"Lady Ningguang is not all she appears to be. From a humble but poor family running a stall at the night market, to now, her largest flaw is her obsession with mora, very seldom does she take a break...hm, sounds like someone else I know." He gives you a rather pointed look, using his free hand to gently wipe away your tears.

Man.. It was so stupid how easily Zhongli's words above all others could sink into your very soul, like a hot drink on a cold day, his words and his tone was always exactly what you needed, even if it isnt what you wanted to hear... So you shift, leaning into his chest and inhaling that warm, comforting scent of his. "I guess."

"You keep guessing, I already know." Zhongli huffs with satisfaction, pulling you the rest of the way onto his lap. "How about this, I have a few day's off as of today, shall we take a trip, just you and I? We could go and spend a couple of nights in Wangshu in? Get away from the hustle and bustle of the city for a bit and clear your mind?"

Hm...that did sound tempting...very tempting indeed.

"In my experience, when ones mental health is on a decline, a few steps back from general life can be quite...rejuvinating. Take Mondstadt's Archon for example, he slept for over a thousand years." "mmh...I could go for a thousand year nap." You admit, nudging your way beneath his chin, yes, this was good, this was better.

"While I don't think that's fesable for you, a good night's rest will certainly help." Zhongli chuckles, leaning down to press a soft kiss to your lips.

"Come, let's go."

#Genshin impact #Genshin scenarios #silentmothwrites #Zhongli x reader #Genshin Zhongli #silentmothasks

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atlas-of-a-human-soul · 3 years

Note

Please tell me there’s a part 3 to amnesia ethan? This is too heartbreakingly good -ohdolans

Part 1 Part 2

Warnings: angst, language

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I'm not breaking up with you." Ethan states, making Y/N frown. She sits up, abandoning his chest with a puzzled look she simply couldn't hide.

"I'm sorry, were you planning to?!" Her voice is pitchy, enough to show the underlying anxiety he caused with his words and enough to make him chuckle as he props himself up.

"No. That's what I'm saying, I'm not breaking up with you. Ever. Even if this whole thing goes to shit, I'm never going to pull the cord on us. You'll have to do it because I-I can't."

Raising an eyebrow, she gives him a pointed look, "That's not fair. I don't want to break up with you." Using air quotes, she adds, "Ever", in the same tone Ethan used.

"Well, we'll just have to get married then." Ethan shrugs, plopping back down as she playfully rolls her eyes.

"Guess so. Grayson's gonna be living with us longer than the kids." Joking, she lays back down beside Ethan, ignoring the surprised glances he sent her way.

"We're having kids?!"

"Might as well if we get married." Pecking his cheek, she nestles back onto his chest, enjoying the sound of his heart beating. She doesn't miss when his voice sounds in a whisper.

"I'd like that."

Arms folded, she stood outside Ethan's room, unsure what to do. It's been a few days since she saw him last and it ended in tears and heartbreak. How many times can a heart break before it's beyond help?

A part of her knows she shouldn't take it personally, his words are coated in venom because he's fighting his inner demons and she's practically a stranger, but another part of her is just as angry and frustrated as he seems to be.

Memory loss? This is what marks their end? It's horrible to day, but it feels like he died and someone else woke up in his body. Ethan she loved is gone and she still can't seem to let it go; let him go.

Licking her lips, she swallows thickly before walking into the room once again. Grayson suggested so, but she was reluctant. Ethan's unpredictable at best, even with Grayson, but he's downright cruel to Y/N. At least she percieved it that way.

"I'm really not in the mood today." Ethan mutters, his voice low and tone unmistakably disgruntled.

"Wow, this is a new record. One step in and you already want me out." Y/N tried to laugh it off, keeping her tone light.

He turns to her with eyes slightly widened, lips parting as he takes note of her clothes - most notably his Positivity hoodie.

"I didn't know it's you." Ethan admits, licking his lips before turning away and toward the window he's gotten used to staring at. It was the closest connection to the outside world he's had in almost two months.

"I'm sorry I ran out the other day." She speaks up, determined not to let him wreck her mood. She didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing he said he didn't realize it was here - would he not still say the same if he did?

"I was being a dick. It's understandable." Ethan glances at her, realizing she'd come closer to him than before. He couldn't help but notice the wary look in her eyes, aware he's the reason why.

"You were reacting to a stranger inserting herself in your life. That's understandable too." She sighs, moving to the wall just inches away from the bed. She leans back on it, folding her arms as her eyes fall on the door, lessening her anxiety. Knowing where the exit is somehow made it easier, but also sad. She never had to think about an exit strategy with Ethan before.

"Except you're not a stranger, are you?" Ethan's eyes are fixed on her, taking every little change in her expression to heart. He didn't want to make her cry again. The sight of her tears left him in pain and just because he didn't remember her didn't mean some part of him didn't care for her, deeply.

Her lips part with his question, eyes meeting his so quickly Ethan's heart jumped. She's taken aback, hopeful and he knows he made a mistake again. He should have worded it better instead of giving her hope he remembered something. Truth be told, he had fuzzy memories of a girl's laugh echoing in his head but he didn't know for sure if it's hers. He doesn't seem to be capable of making her laugh.

"You left a bag here last time and I snooped. I saw the scrapbooks." Scratching his eyebrow, Ethan continues, "I recognized my handwriting on some of the pages. It's so fucking weird."

"Which part?" Y/N tries, afraid she's going to say something wrong and he'd stop talking. It's the first time he's the one keeping the conversation flowing.

"All of it. I read these thing and watch our videos and photos and it's so clear I was smitten with you and then I can't fucking remember a thing. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore."

Wetting her lips, Y/N sighs. "But you do. You're still Ethan Dolan. You are a brother, a son, a creative pain in the ass. Your mind is something to admire, your sarcasm something to enjoy, and while you may be confused now, I still see the man I fell in love with. You're kind and funny and so sweet. You make everyone's lives better just by existing."

Holding out his right hand, Ethan's eyes flickered to Y/N's who focused on his hand with wonder. He could tell she was uncertain about what she should do, but she reached for his hand anyway.

Her shaky fingers run across his palm and they're icy cold to touch. Her bracelet passes the tips of his fingers as hers curl around his wrist. It's impossible to ignore the number 8 and E charms on her bracelet. They signified him. To Y/N, Ethan was her lucky charm. He always will be.

"Why does touching you make me feel like everything will be alright yet your presence here makes me wanna scream for you to leave?" Ethan speaks softly, quietly as if she wasn't meant to hear him, but she does. It pains her to hear his conflicting emotions, even more so knowing they're just the tip of a very deep running iceberg.

"What about my presence unnerves you the most?"

Pulling her hand up to his face, Ethan plants a tender kiss on the back of it, bringing goosebumps to her skin.

"The expectations. I'm supposed to be the Ethan you love and I'm scared I'm not him anymore. I'm scared I never will be and that I'll lose whatever this was between us and it clearly meant a lot to me then." Pausing, he traces his thumb along her wrist, wistfully flicking the letter E.

"It's also the pain and love I see on you. It's like I stole something from you I can never give back."

Sniffling, Y/N swallows thickly. Ethan looks up, seeing tears brimming in her eyes. "See? I always make you cry."

Shaking her head, Y/N giggles. "These are happy tears because I see and hear the Ethan you think is lost."

And that's when Ethan drops her hand. The laugh echoing really is hers. The giggle confirms it. "What if I never get my memories back? What if I don't fall in love with you again?"

Closing her eyes, the tears brimming before fall. "I don't know."

Part 4

#dolan twins #ethan dolan #ethan dolan x reader #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan fanfiction #ethan dolan angst #ethan dolan fanfic #ethan dolan fic

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wildgeese2017 · 3 years

Text

You: what makes you happy?

Stranger: His smile

You: thats so nie

You: nice

Stranger: But I haven’t seen in in a while

You: :(

Stranger: What makes you happy?

You: i like lying down and feeling the earth cradling my whole physical body i like listening to music by myself

You: but i feel like its all sucks bc it never lasts

You: like his smile

You: i dont know how to make sense of it all

Stranger: I feel you

Stranger: Seems like nothing lasts

You: it scares me

Stranger: And you never know when the last time is going to be the last time

Stranger: You always think you will have more

Stranger: Until you don’t

You: i feel like an animal i feel so blind to what fate has planned for me

You: i want to believe in something to sort of see everything through the right lens but i just dont know whether i cud

You: like i dont know what gods means to me

You: what does it mean to you?

Stranger: I try to trust in him

Stranger: But the faith is being tested

Stranger: I feel like so much unfairness couldn’t come from god

You: i used to know so surely that the whole point of this suffering was that it was a test or an inevitabilty but i worry that my conclusion was false

You: im scared that my faith is just learned helpessness

You: do you have anything you wanted to say

You: like why you are on this platform

Stranger: I just hope you get enough motivation to hold on

Stranger: Even if it’s the bare minimum

You: thanks im fine i just feel so confused

Stranger: I am pretty sure that someday something will come that will make it worth it

You: im doing well im being nice to my loved ones im going to work im having fun im just existentially terrified

Stranger: For everyone

You: yeh i think so too

You: i kno u dont kno me but im rooting for you

Stranger: How old are you ? Sorry if that’s too personal

You: im 20

Stranger: I’m rooting for you too!!! 😄

You: thx

Stranger: The confusion starts at the twenty’s

Stranger: I’m 25 and haven’t figured it out

You: lol ive been confused 4 so long tho

You: i think being confused is the whole point

Stranger: Maybe the meaning of life isn’t to find it purpose

Stranger: But to live and live while it lasts

Stranger: Love*

You: like its all just fluctuations of energy and the universe is just reminding itself that it exists bc being is the point of being like a perfect circle of belief and truth

You: yes i think so too

You: but it leads me to chasing empty bliss

Stranger: You should write a book about it

Stranger: Or poems

You: i want to feel more purpose but i dont know how im scared of nit finding peace and my vulnerability being exploited

You: i write poetry but i feel as tho i havent developed craft

Stranger: You must be brave to feel extraordinary :)

You: how do u express urself?

You: :)

Stranger: I dance

You: <3

Stranger: I’m a dancer

You: thats so wonderful

Stranger: Not good with words

You: does it make you feel free? i can only dance with the lights off

Stranger: Sometimes I turn the music up and close my eyes and just dance whatever I feel inside

You: that sounds nice

You: what kind of music do u like?

Stranger: And most of the times it feels like breaking my own heart

You: :(

Stranger: But it flies itself back together right after

You: in a good or bad way?

Stranger: Glues*

You: sometimes i wish i cud crack open my heart and show people

Stranger: I feel like a slightly cracked heart must fall apart to be build up again

You: i always paraphrase kafka when he said the reason for everything he did is to try and express the unexpressable

Stranger: People tend to ignore small cracks

Stranger: But take it serious when it’s all in pieces

You: :( i wish we cud all b more gentle with each other

Stranger: Same

You: i wish i had more energy to see everyones breaking hearts and fill up the cracks with my own love

Stranger: And I wish we would only fall in love with people who fall for us back

You: are you in love with him?

Stranger: I am

You: i dont kno whether ive ever been in love love what is it like?

Stranger: I’ve been in love once before

Stranger: And I swore I’d never open myself up for anyone

Stranger: And my best friend convinced me to go on this date with this guy

Stranger: And when he kissed me I just knew

You: that must hav been terrifying

Stranger: Took me 5years tho

Stranger: To fall like this again

Stranger: It was

Stranger: In it’s ironic way

Stranger: And it still is

You: i can tget close to anyone like that bc ive got all this stuff i cant let anyone see its brave for you to let someone in even if it hurts

Stranger: You know what?

Stranger: It wasn’t a decision I made !!

You: huh i never thought of it that way

You: maybe it was god

Stranger: Im fact the decision I took was to not let him in before we went on that date

Stranger: It wasn’t something I was in control of

Stranger: And it took him 5 hours to kiss me 😄

Stranger: And when he did time stopped

Stranger: And so did my senses except for feeling

You: what makes him so special? is it just the way he makes you feel or is there a big reason in your mind?

Stranger: It’s …

Stranger: How can I say this

Stranger: He was a surprise

Stranger: I didn’t expect him to be that good

You: did you feel like you had met before?

Stranger: I thought he’d be just another mediocre guy

You: so he suprised you

Stranger: But when I saw his smile and eyes I just knew I was screwed

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Feel good to finally talk about all this haha

You: ive never felt that way about way about anyone it sounds so confusing

You: is he kind?

Stranger: He was

You: is he not anymore?

Stranger: Sadly no

You: :(

Stranger: He decided to take a step back from me

You: what did he do to make you feel this way (if you dont mind me askin)

You: oh

Stranger: I remember when he called me to tell me he’s not ready for a relationship

You: what are you going to do? i cant imagine never seeing anyone i care about like that again

Stranger: Last time I saw him was three weeks ago

Stranger: And last time I heard from him was one week bwfore

You: did you know him long before ?

Stranger: Three months

Stranger: Not that long

Stranger: But I knew what he would mean to me when I first saw him

Stranger: So it felt like a smaller eternity

You: that sound so difficult

Stranger: I miss him terribly:)

You: i cant imagine feeling that way it wud really scare me everyone i talk to ive known for like 8years i cant give so much of myself to someone new

Stranger: You don’t have to give yourself to someone all at once

Stranger: Be protective of your energy

Stranger: And never trust the other person to not hurt you!

Stranger: But trust yourself and how you will react to it

Stranger: Trust that’s you would be strong enough to handle it

You: do you think he saw the real you? its so weird to think that everyone percieves you differently and out of your own control i worry that i focus too much on an idea of a person that i cud be

Stranger: Yea and no

Stranger: What I showed him was the real me but I also know that I didn’t show him everything that I am

Stranger: I feel your fear ! You got to know who you are as a person first

Stranger: And you got to be authentic with the people around you

You: i think it takes so long to show a clear picture of urself and its always moving and running away from the person you were when you last talked to that person who you want to really see you

Stranger: Exactly!

Stranger: That’s probably the most genuine talk I ever had

You: im so tired of trying to be a person i wish i cud just melt into everyone around me but theres so much i dislike about those around me and its not possible anyway. its just hard knowing the reason for everything is human connection and not living in a way that respects that truth

Stranger: Thank you

You: thank you too

You: i really appreciate your sharing its so scar to be honest out loud

You: *scary

Stranger: True

Stranger: I guess being anonymous makes it easier

You: yeh i just i was going to see a friend today who i feel like understands me but i couldnt in the end and i needed to express a part of myself u kno even tho im talking to other people who know me and care its not the same

You: i hope ou feel better soon regardless of what he chooses for himself

Stranger: I know exactly what you mean

Stranger: After all I have to choose myself over him as well :)

Stranger: Sometimes love isn’t enough

Stranger: Who am I fooling… most of the times it’s not enough

You: i have so many kind lovely friends and family who is trying but i cant let go of this heavy thing its like theres always some invisible chain wrapped around me

You: yeh :(

You: why cant we all help each other more

Stranger: Not many people are spiritual enough to say love is enough and all that matters f*ck the rest

You: i know so many people in pain and im too tired to be there all the time

You: its easy for me to say love is enough when i dont hav so many real problems that cant b solved with love alone

Stranger: I really pray for you to break out of those chains

Stranger: You seem like an amazing loving and caring person

Stranger: You deserve happiness

You: thanks i dont kno whether my hope has any power to reach you but i really hope you get some relief from your pain too

You: you too

You: i think we all do but i cant know that im so lucky to not meet people who are cruel enough to take that belief away from me

Stranger: And if you ever do meet people like that do me the favor of removing them immediately

Stranger: If it costs you your peace it’s too exoenz

You: i guess but i always think what happens to them when im gone?

Stranger: Expensive *

You: where do they go?

Stranger: ALWAYS !

You: what do they feel?

Stranger: That’s none of your business

Stranger: Let them find their own way

You: yeh i think we all need to respect ourselves to let go of toxicity

Stranger: You don’t have to guide them

You: i just feel like i want to care more i want to love more but i dont and that makes me feel small and selfish i wish we cud all connect our love its so scary not being able to reach each other

You: im scared to change and become better it sounds so hard i feel so selfish

Stranger: You’re not selfish if it means protecting your energy

Stranger: But don’t stand in your own way

Stranger: Be brave

Stranger: Can’t stress that enough

You: thanks i think i do need to be braver i try and look more people in the eye but maybe i need to be brave against myself more than against other people

Stranger: Have you ever watched greys anatomy?

You: since they arent in my control

You: no but all my friends love it

You: its on my list loll

Stranger: So Meredith grey said something like :

Stranger: Maybe she wasn’t opening up to people not because she was scared of the love she would receive

Stranger: But scared of what would happen when they took this live away from her someday

Stranger: Once you get a taste of love

Stranger: It’s like a drug

Stranger: Love*

You: like you and him, i find it hard to accept it when people choose me over someone else so i push them away to other people and i get upset that they replaced me

You: love is so scary

You: its too much

Stranger: Me and him …

Stranger: I feel like this story is not over yet

Stranger: :)

Stranger: And that calms me

You: i think if you have so much love inside you, u will succeed and find yourself in a good place if you focus on that love

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: I literally believe in love because of the way I know I am capable to love

You: sometimes i worry that im not capable of love like that like i have something inside me that puts people off even though on a surface level i seem nice and passionate or sweet or whatever

You: like i worry im just playing a part and soon ill get tired of acting and i wont be what people need anymore

Stranger: Don’t worry too much

Stranger: Just truly be yourself

You: thanks i will try too

You: its so weird loving life this much and still not being happy

Stranger: Damn

You: like im so happy but its never enough

You: its not the right kind of joy it wont fit

Stranger: And this whole convo started with this simple question

You: loll

Stranger: What makes you happy

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You know what I just realized

You: wot :0

Stranger: My answer was wrong in so many ways

Stranger: Your happiness shouldn’t be depending on someone else

Stranger: Cause you can’t control other peoples behavior

You: thats so real

You: its so scary tho since you cant b alone but you cant rely purely on others

Stranger: Your happiness should only be in your hands

Stranger: So controversial

Stranger: It’s a daily risk lol

You: like other people are all that matters but to them you are the other people so we all need to be kind to ourselves to be kind to each toher but we're all to hurt and scared to do all of it in the right way

You: we're all walking around with a piece of the happy puzzle and we have'nt figured out how to put it together

Stranger: sometimes we forget that all people are vulnerable and maybe hurting too

Stranger: When someone hurts your feelings you tend to forget you might have hurt theirs too

You: i always remember but i dont always respect it and that makes me dislike the kind of person i let myself be

Stranger: You will learn to

You: i hope so

You: i think thats the point

Stranger: Don’t pressure yourself

You: like we live and we all learn the same lesson

You: but it seems like its always repeating

You: like why haven't we learned it yet

You: like we're all one soul

You: and we can't reach the end of this problem or is the point how good we feel at points of it? i cant just chase joy if its fleeting iworry that even love is fleeting

You: idk i know we only hav the present

You: like all the advice uve given me i trust it

You: i just freak out thinking of the big picture

Stranger: Relax 😄

Stranger: It’s not all that serious

Stranger: Don’t forget to live along the way

Stranger: Love was never meant to be safe or measured!

Stranger: You got to be brave and love irritationally

You: i think that that is fair i just i go long stretches living and then i remember the whole question of why and how shud i live and i get all tangled up again

Stranger: And instead of being scared, trusting yourself with it

You: i think i need to trust more and i think faith is trust

Stranger: Grow and learn to trust yourself

You: i want to have more faith in myself in others in the future i just worry the way i acheive this will only be a bandaid i want more than blind faith i want to see the world and see it as it is and still feel love and joy and trust the universe and myself to experience it correctly and even let go of the whole concept of correct.

Stranger: I also think I might fall asleep soon lol

You: thanks for listening i think i will too lol good luck i wish you all the best <£

You: <3

Stranger: That’s what I wish you too

Stranger: From the bottom of my heart

You: :-)

Stranger: Take care strangee

You: u 2 :-)

Stranger: Stranger*

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5-falsehoods-phonated · 4 years

Note

Sorry for bothering you, but I couldn't help but wonder, what do you think of Janus' playlist? After several days of analysing it, I'm so overwhelmed with all the emotions towards the snake boy! The character potential, possible development, ideas for fics are just bashing me on the head and heart! I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Lots of love and have a good day! P.S. Expect some requests for songfics for sure!

It's not a bother, thank you for asking! Oh I have many feelings, as I usually do for all the playlists but this one...man. Hope you like long answers XD

First just the overall impression is great. I love the sort of contradicting roaring 1920s nihilistic aesthetic. Makes me think of a tired anti-hero, their cape swirling behind them as they turn away from the chaos, knowing they'll have a mess to clean up later but for right now they would very much enjoy a glass of wine. Its smooth. Its jazzy. It's dark. Its nostalgic in a different way from Patton, where instead of tugging softly at your heartstrings it settles a weight on your shoulders. Not in a bad way, just like someone added an extra five pounds of awareness to what you were already carrying, if that makes sense?

He boils down to an emo with class for me and I love it.

I'm not gonna go song by song but heres a few thoughts.

I absolutely love Black Hole Sun being on it as a vintage cover. Soundgarden is such a good band and this song in particular is one of my favorites, right up there with Tighter and Tighter and Spoonman. It's a dark song that has contrasting themes and means different things to different people, which is perfect for Janus' outlook on life and Thomas. And of course the reference to the snake fits right in.

It Seemed The Better Way is one of my favorites on the list. The style of the song and Leonard Cohen's voice reminds of Mark Lanegan's style and is so soothing.

Talking at the same time just made me think of all the Sides talking through a dilemma but really just arguing and talking over one another, contradicting each other and themselves in the process. It makes me want to bang all their heads together and yell "COMMUNICATION BITCH" which I really hope season 3 addresses the important of good and healthy communication and it takes the last side to do it but I digress. It's a song that points out unfairness and frustrating contradictions and I love that the angsty snake likes this song.

Scarlett Johansens Trust On Me is one I'm posting a fanart of soon, it put such a clear image in my head of Janus smoothly talking to Thomas about listening to him and taking care of himself while below surface level hes desperately trying to hold this vision together of everything being fine while the world crumbles. It's just Tbomas walking along with his sides as they smile as the sunshine while Janus is stumbling behind with an old umbrella, batting away dead branches with his staff while everyone else is oblivious.

Mandy Goes To Med School. Janus canonically listens to the Dredston Dolls and no one else I've ever met listens to them or knows who they are and it fills me with unreasonable happiness that someone on the team got this song on the playlist. Many have interpreted this song as back alley abortions and illegal sex changes, both elective surgeries that have consequences if done improperly. I honestly think the bare bones of this song apply to Janus. Percieved "selfishness over selflessness" and the consequences being up in the air for both. A sort of damned if you do, damned if you dont situation, which definitely paints Janus, at least for me, as a world weary tired ex-optimist who's experiences have shaped his perception of the world in a way that can be hard for others to understand. I think this song fits him to a T.

Evil Night Together makes me think of him, Remus and Virgil just having a ball of a night causing chaos together and laughing all the way through. It fills me with a lot of happiness thinking of the idiocy those three got up to when they were on better terms with each other.

Dont Tell Mama...makes me way too excited fr the last dark side. I get this strong feeling from the song the Janus very much works in the shadows, to the point where hes even a bit secluded from the other 'dark sides' to an extent. Maybe the last one is someone who really tries to run the show and wouldnt be pleased with what Janus is trying to do. Not saying Mystery Orange is evil, none of them are.

I feel like You're A Cad is a comment on him and Virgils relationship. The way that they are now, secretive and closed off, a friendship cant really work between them but they keep coming back no matter how many times they broke eachothers trust. I don't think Janus and Virgil hate each other, I just think they need to communicate better like everyone else does but they kept trying without knowing how and hurting each other in the process.

As Far As I Can See feels like a self deprecating view point that all the "dark sides" have and it makes me want to hug not only him but Remus, Virgil and even Orange until they feel even a little bit better. In this house we love and appreciate our good bad boys.

Change. Okay first: the first line of this song is "theres something in the wind" and in Sally's Song on Virgils playlist the first line is "I sense theres something in the wind." Coincidence maybe and probably but I'm holding out for Remus' for the third. 'Lately, I've been thinkin' it's just someone else's job to care Who am I to sympathize when no one gave a damn?' is such an OOF I just cant. I strongly feel like this is Janus rethinking what his purpose could possibly be if no one is willing to listen. Could apply to Logan too but he has Erase Me already so.....

Come Little Children by Erutan. That's it, Janus also canonically also listens to the Willow Maid and cries the first time he heard no you cant change my mind. He also watches Hocus Pocus every year and loves it. Remus joins him. Virgil did when they were on better terms. You also cant change my mind on this. I think this song is just commenting on how Janus hides the truth for Thomas so he can see the world from a better perspective than what it actually is. Self preservation and lying to ourselves and all that.

Into The Unknown from Over the Garden Wall I think is telling us everything is changing and revealing itself the farther we go with Thomas' dilemmas. They're all stemming from somewhere so where will we end up? Who can say, but in the meantime aren't the lies we're telling ourselves pretty? Janus is observing everything falling apart and hoping he isn't lying when he tells himself everything will work itself out. Only time will tell. It's a sad, longing note to end the playlist on, but it's very fitting.

Overall this playlist cements the fact the the Angst Train really just said "Choo choo mothfucker" and steamrolled on regardless of the fact that were stuck on the tracks. And I love it.

Janus is a sad, angsty boy tired of everyone's bullshit and honestly just wants everyone to get along so he can finally sit back and play his game cube without his gloves on in the common room of the mindscape without being hissed or glared at, and is that really too much to ask? Also, he's crying in the art on spotify, with such a resigned look on his face and I just...my heart.

Sorry this is so long, like I said I have a lot of feelings. Add your own thoughts if you like, you and anyone else who wants to. This is my interpretation of only some of the songs so of course there are more and different things worth mentioning. This is a judgement free blog where all opinions are welcome.

#sanders sides #ask #sanders sides playlists #janus sanders #deceit sanders #janus playlist

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frappucinhoe · 5 years

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hey!! u said u take requests and i was wondering if u could do one focusing on souda stimming?? or just little asd quirks haha idk i just really like that you write him with asd as i never see that so anything like that id be happy to see if youd like to write it!! thank u!!

Absolutely! This is such a cute prompt, thank you! I hope this is okay, I had this plot kicking around in my head a little bit anyway. I feel like this one’s like… half baked and I feel a little bad that it’s not great, but for some reason I’ve been struggling to put pen to paper recently. This is also available on AO3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17968895

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Exams always wiped both Souda and Gundham out- and they often spent more time apart than together during them. Hope’s Peak High School’s exams were long, public displays of your talent, and it was quite nervewracking. It was much simpler for Souda, as his skill was provable within a few moments by taking apart and repiecing an engine. Gundham had to show off his most perfect animals and convey to the panel why his animals were so good. They weren’t exactly experts, so “I’ve never once had a case of Wet Tail among my hamsters” really meant nothing to them. He really hat

Gundham needed space and time to be with his animals at a time like this, so Souda thoroughly appreciated the time he did get to spend with his boyfriend. Like now, they were sat in the dormitory’s study lounge, pouring over papers and schematics. They were sitting in comfortable silence, but he was strangely anxious and uncomfortable. When he’d asked Gundham if they could hang out, he kind of just wanted to lay down with the other and destress. He was a little bit touch starved, worried about the exams for both himself and Gundham, and worried about a thousand other things all at once (as per usual.)

Because he hadn’t thought they would be studying, he hadn’t really brought any of his things. Usually he had things on him to stop restless hands- dice, a worry stone, small model planes to disassemble and reassemble. He had at one point had one of those spinners that were so popular, but the others poked fun at him for it quite a bit, so he kept that one put away, not trying to make his self-percieved deficiencies any more obvious. He didn’t have anything on him this time, though, and his mind was racing at a million miles an hour. Everything was just too much. The papers, the constant scratch of Gundham’s pencil on paper, the tag of his t-shirt felt like a razorblade on the back of his neck, and Gundham’s barely-there presence that made him feel like he needed to stay silent and unobtrusive. His thoughts started getting the better of him, pelting him with insults as he fought to keep still.

A study date? He doesn’t like me anymore, I knew it. God this exam is driving me nuts. I don’t need to study I know how to build a fucking rocket from car parts. I’ve done it before. He wouldn’t even hold my hand in the hallway today. He’s just waiting until after exams to leave me. Oh god oh god oh god oh god

Unconciously, he brought his hand up to his mouth and began chewing at his nails, which were already basically stumps. Gundham glanced up at him from across the small table and frowned.

“Stop.” He said, simply.

“Stop what?” Souda asked, cocking his head.

“Chewing your nails. Stop it, it’s not good for you. It’s gross. ”

Great. Now he’s mad at me.

Truth be told, it was one of Gundham’s pet peeves to watch (and hear) somebody chew on their nails. It was gross and obnoxious- it didn’t occur to him why Souda may be doing it, though. While he had been given a vague idea of his boyfriends’ diagnoses, he was unsure of their effects. He didn’t want to read up on anything and view anything the other did as a symptom and not just a part of Souda’s behavior- in fact he found many of the other’s quirks endearing.

Just not chewing on his nails.

“Oh.” Souda replied, wiping his hand off on his jumpsuit and then putting his hands on the table, twiddling his thumbs for a moment before picking up a pencil. He began tapping it on the table, feeling minutely satisfied with the way the eraser bounced off the table. After a few moments of that, Gundham looked up once again.

“Beloved One, if you must insist on making noise, can you go somewhere else, I’m trying to focus.”

Souda put the pencil down, slouching, trying to hide his frown. He started scrunching his fist rapidly instead, occupying his other hand with his head as he started looking over the papers in front of him again. He picked up a pen to make a note, and immediately began clicking the pen tip incessantly, searching for something to calm his mind.

Gundham snatched the pen from his boyfriend’s fingers, clenching his teeth with irritation. Souda straightened up, looking at the other with wide, almost terrified eyes. He started crying very quickly after.

Gundham, not noticing that the other had started crying, snapped on him.

“I have requested, politely, that you stop. Can you please, for my sake, quiet down or leave. I am here because you requested my presence and you-”

“I’m sorry!” Souda cried out, cutting the other off as he sniffled and tried to stifle his tears. He was equal parts angry and absolutely terrified that he’d upset Gundham. “I’m sorry, I- I- I- I’m not trying to bother you I just feel so burnt out and I don’t want to look at pa- papers and schematics any more! I just want-wanted to-” he stopped, taking in a shaky breath. “- hang out and n-not think about these fucking exams! I’m sorry- I gotta go, I don’t- I didn’t wanna upset you!” he got up and left in a hurry, leaving his papers.

Gundham watched, immediately feeling bad that he had snapped like that- he was just irritated, beyond stressed about exams. He didn’t want to immediately follow the other, he was clearly upset. He took his time packing his and Souda’s belongings before traipsing out into the hallway, moving quickly toward’s Souda’s room. He was stopped dead in his tracks by one of Souda’s best friends, Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu. The two were unlikely friends, but often went out drinking together or cracked jokes together during class, and it made Gundham happy that he wasn’t the only one sticking his neck out for Souda. The only issue was that Fuyuhiko tended to be a tad bit overprotective of his friends.

“What the fuck did you do?” The gangster asked, crossing his arms.

“It appears I have upset my Dark Prince, and I wish to go apologize to him. Do you take issue with this, Short One?”

“I take issue with you makin’ my friend cry, yeah.” Fuyuhiko said, glaring daggers up at Gundham. He had just caught Souda hastily leaving the study lounge, covering his eyes with his hat and going into his room, slamming the door.

“It was not intentional. ” Gundham said, growing upset that Fuyuhiko would accuse him of hurting Souda on purpose. “I simply grew irritated with his incessant fidgeting. I did not know he would react so poorly.”

Fuyuhiko’s face grew angry rather quickly.

“Incessant fidgeting? it’s self stimulation, you fuckin’ moron.” Fuyuhiko faltered for a moment, failing to find the right words to lay into the other with, angry beyond belief. “So you ignore him for pretty much a whole week, and then when he finally gets your attention, you yell at him for something he can’t control? Why, you fuckin’ idiot, I oughtta fuckin-”

“You oughtta do nothing. My relationship is not any of your business.”

“Like fuck it isn’t! Do you not realize you’re practically his whole world? I am constantly getting my phone blown up with him absolutely racking his brain, overanalyzing every single little thing you do making sure he’s still good enough for you, that he isn’t overbearing, that he isn’t being a nuisance to you. I get that that’s how he is, he’s more skittish than a fuckin’ housecat, but it doesn’t help when you attack him for the few things that make him feel better.”

Gundham took in a stabilizing breath, getting dressed down in public was not something he enjoyed, and if it weren’t for the prefects and auditors absolutely crawling campus, he’d sic his Zodiac Generals on Fuyuhiko immediately. He also thought that maybe attacking Souda’s friends wasn’t a great way to get into their good graces. He and Fuyuhiko didn’t hate eachother, sure, but they certainly didn’t see eye to eye.

“I must be going.” Gundham said, making a sharp about face and beginning to move towards the dorm rooms once more. He felt his arm grabbed, and ripped away from the grip, turning around to face the culrpit.

“If you hurt Kazuichi, if you so much as make him feel bad for one second over something as simple as trying to keep calm, I swear to god, Tanaka, you won’t hear the end of it. Just because you pretend you aren’t human doesn’t mean you can act like human emotion is something below you.”

Gundham nodded, taking his leave. Fuyuhiko was a little bit (okay, maybe a bit over-the-top) protective of his friends. Gundham couldn’t blame him, but he was left fuming by even the suggestion that he was a bad boyfriend over one small altercation. He cared about Souda, he really did. He was just stressed, and upset, and maybe not as educated as he could be on the minutia of his boyfriend’s mental health. He also grew sad, knowing that Souda was so anxious about his presence around Gundham- he absolutely adored the mechanic, and very rarely did he truly bother him. If he wanted to be alone, he made that clear, but otherwise he was very much open to and excited seeing his boyfriend. If he didn’t want to be with Souda, he wouldn’t be, and he couldn’t think of many things that the other could do to change that how much he adored him.

He grabbed his keys and went to just enter the room, but decided instead to knock. It was met with no reply, so he knocked again, this time to announce that he was coming in anyway. He had a good idea of what he was gonna see when he entered, and he was right. Souda was on the ground, bare feet, headphones in, working on a rubik’s cube like his life depended on it. A few different things were set out in front of him, all things Gundham had seen the other playing with on occasion but hadn’t thought much of. Gundham had seen this before too, though, when the other was inordnately stressed out. The absolute unbreakable focus, the loud music, doing absolutely anything but the actual work he had to do. Souda was remarkable in his ability to focus, to just absolutely dial in on things and tune the whole world out when he was interested in them. Gundham was actually jealous, he often found his mind drifting as he carried out the tasks his animals required each day.

Gundham approached, and still wasn’t noticed by the other, who was clearly intently focused. He pursed his lips and squatted down so he was at eye level with the other, and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Souda jumped, yelping quite loudly and throwing the cube on accident, watching with wide eyes and a pounding heart as it shattered into 26 individual pieces. He blinked a few times, taking his headphones out carefully.

“I’m… so sorry. I did not mean to startle you.”

Souda just stared for a moment, brows knitted together. He was clearly struggling to shift his focus. Gundham gave about a minute of silence before speaking again, trying to allow the other a moment to calm down. He truly hadn’t meant to startle the other, it was clear that the mechanic didn’t expect that he’d be followed back to his room.

“I apologize, my Dark Consort. You did not deserve my wrath. You were simply-”

“Don’t. Save it. I know, it’s irritating, okay? It bothers me too. I’ve been hearing it all my life. Stop clicking the pen, stop bouncing your leg, stop chewing your nails, stop making weird noises, Hey, Souda, aren’t you a little old to be playin’ with toys? Oh, hey, Kazuichi, your stimming makes other people uncomfortable! I get it, sorry, I was doing it because I was uncomfortable, but I’ll stop. I’m sorry.”

Gundham frowned. He adjusted himself so he was no longer squatting, but sitting on the ground as well. He vowed never to be the person who made Kazuichi feel so bad ever again, and here he was. Bitter memories of quarrels with the other flooded back up with the guilt and he bit down mard on the inside of his lip, searching for the right words to say. There was a long pause. He could hear the music coming from Souda’s headphones which now sat on the ground, a quiet bassy buzzing.

“I understand it is something that you cannot help, and-”

“No. That’s where you’re wrong. I can help it. I can just shut down! It’s that easy. Can’t let your thoughts burn a hole in your mind if your mind is on vacation.”

Gundham sighed, he had clearly really hurt Souda’s feelings when he hadn’t intended to. He just wasn’t the best with feelings, and to be honest, with Souda it was a minefield. He insisted more than once that ‘hey, if I’m ever bugging you, just let me know’, but then as soon as Gundham said something he exploded? It seemed unfair, but in hindsight, bouncing a pencil on the table was harmless, and

“Forgive me, my Dark Prince, for I love you so much and it was not my intention to make you self concious or feel…” he paused, unsure of how to procede. “…less than.”

Souda crossed his arms, half-pouting.

“You did though, but it’s fine. Stop apologizing. I know I’m crazy, okay? I know I’m annoying and quite frankly you shouldn’t have to put up with it.”

There was a long silence, again, where they both just sat there.

As he watched the pout fade from Souda’s face, Gundham scooted closer to the other and wrapped his arms around Souda. Tense muscles became loose immediately, and he knew he had the other within reach again.

“I’m sorry.” He said again, reiterating. “I don’t think you’re different, or stupid, or crazy. I hesitate to think you are anything but absolutely incredible. Your mind is amazing, and l adore you.”

“I-

"And I want you to know that you need not keep secrets. You very seldom are an unwelcome presence. If you are not occupying the room I am in, you are certainly occupying my mind.” Gundham finished. Souda let out a long sigh. He brought his hands up, playing gently with the bandages that covered Gundham’s arm.

“English, please?” He asked, his mind still racing, struggling a little bit to parse the other’s ridiculous, drawn out language.

Gundham hesitated for a moment, watching the hands idly play along his bandages. It occured to him that Souda often did that- running his fingers through Gundham’s hair, playing with the pins on his coatsleeve- it had never occured to him that it may be more than just a simple show of affection.

“You are very much wanted, and you are most certainly more than good enough.” Gundham said, hoping he got his point across well enough. Souda smiled and hid his face in the other’s coat, his face red.

“I’m s-” he started, the words muffled.

“Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong, My Love. Why don’t we take a brief hiatus from our studies?”

Souda pulled his face free from the smothering wool of Gundham’s thick coat and smiled, “I’d like that. A lot.” he replied.

#soudam #sodagundam #soudagundham #sdr2

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aitenshi1006 · 6 years

Text

Okay, I guess I need to write here all the thoughts coming to my mind before I go to tweeter and write something, that people, which know me, read.

I have been s h a w o l for... six or seven years, but I feel like being a s h a w o l for my whole life. I remember the time when I got to buy shinee's album and I felt the happiest being in the whole fucking world. I am still feel like that, just because I have it now.

The music shinee has been making is realy MY music (although I couldn't understand that single that came after married to the music). And I am in love with it, I am in love with shinee. And I just can't express sorrow I feel right now.

Jonghyun never was my bias, but here the funny thing about shinee -- once you got to love them, you just can't care JUST for one member. And, to tell the truth, I often used his photos as my backgrounds (far more often, than I used Kibum's).

Jonghyun is one of the most beautiful people I have ever known.

The way he was thinking, the way he was observing this world; the way he shared his thoughts -- so honest and deep. I am in love with it. And I will always be.

I remeber the time, when I subscribed to a sourse that translated his radio broadcasts. I just deepy respet him for his words. It is rare to see a person who thinks so thouroughly. And it is beautiful.

I love every song he has made, because each of them has so much of him that it hurts. And it is also beautiful.

And here the thing I will never find beautiful. I will never understand that. I will never agree with that. But I accept that.

Just, how much pain he felt to come to this decision? How much pain he felt to be ready to greet the pain of dying?

I could never understand that because I don't have such a beautiful mind. He felt differently, he percieved differently -- much sharplier, much stronger, much... brighter.

I don't want to speak of him being selfish or weak; because I always think of people, who choses not to fight, as of tired and lonely people, who has nothing to hold on.

I am so sorry you didn't have anything to hold on, jjong. I am so sorry I won' t be able to listen to your songs, to your stories and thoughts you put in them. I am sorry I will never be able to cry out of happines during your concert.

I am sorry you will never know how much inspiration you bring into people, into my soul.

But I hope now you are in peace; I hope that you are in a place where you can straighten your shoulders and breathe freely.

A place, where you will able to sing your most beautiful song and rest in peace.

And thank you for my adolescence, for me being able to find my way and my place in it.

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

Text

Bea & Buster

Bea: Buster, I appreciate you were doing Rio a favour but you need to go back to School, yesterday, like Bea: You've missed enough time as is Buster: She isn't ready yet Buster: I can't just leave her here Bea: I'm not asking about her, Rio can and will make her own plans Bea: This is about what you need to do Buster: I need to stay here Buster: I'm getting my work sent. It's fine Bea: What's going on here? Bea: Rio is perfectly capable of being on her own, and assuming that's why she needed to leave town, she doesn't need you there Buster: You just said it's only what I need to do that matters Buster: And I told you Buster: End of conversation Bea: You need to go to school Bea: Not up for discussion Buster: No, I need not to fall behind, which I'm not Buster: Why does it matter? You never normally bother to keep tabs Bea: Don't talk to me like that when you've given us reason to need to and you've always benefitted off our parenting approach before now Bea: What aren't you telling me, Buster? Buster: How exactly have I given you reason not to trust me? Buster: If I'm not telling you something, there's a reason Bea: When you may or may not have impregnated that girl Bea: is reason enough, no? Buster: When she took advantage of me, you mean Buster: Everyone else understands how fucked up that was, why don't you? Bea: I understand Bea: I also understand how you got yourself in the situation that was even a possibility Buster: So it's my fault for getting wasted Buster: Really nice, mum Bea: That isn't what I'm saying or what we're talking about Buster: What then? Buster: Let's not waste each other's time, shall we Bea: You're not too old for a slap Bea: But you are too old to behave like this Bea: Right, what's going on with you and Rio? Buster: I already told you why we're here Bea: Not what I asked or meant Bea: but your avoidance will speak for you if you don't chime in Buster: What do you want me to say? Buster: You clearly think you know something as things stand Bea: The truth Bea: I want to hear it from you Buster: I can't Bea: Oh God Bea: I don't need to hear the ins and outs but I'm right, aren't I? Buster: Nobody's in the headspace for this right now, mum Buster: Can't you just forget it Buster: Whatever you think Bea: No, I can't Bea: if I could I would Bea: what are you thinking Bea: you're only going to make things awkward for yourself Buster: Whatever you're not thinking, that's what I'm thinking Buster: 'Cause this isn't what you reckon it is, alright? Bea: So you're not sleeping together? Buster: Yeah but Bea: I knew it Bea: well, on both your heads be it because this won't end well Bea: I don't have to tell you how stupid it is Buster: I shouldn't have to tell you that I don't care, but I will if you need to hear it Buster: It's not stupid to us Bea: Evidently Buster: Don't Buster: You don't understand Bea: What don't I understand? Buster: I love her Buster: No, we love each other Bea: Don't joke about things like that Buster: I'm serious Bea: What Bea: No Bea: You better not be Buster: I am Buster: And she is Bea: When did this happen exactly Bea: how Buster: When did we get together or when did I fall in love with her? Buster: As for how, as you'd realized you must have some idea, yeah? Bea: When do you think you fell in love Bea: I do have some idea as for when it first started, I'm sure Buster: Maybe when I was a kid Buster: I've been fighting it for so long, I don't even know Buster: But we said it at Granddad's birthday Bea: Don't be ridiculous, that's a childhood crush Bea: How do you even know, you're so young Buster: You do know how much a hypocrite you're being, right? Buster: Shall I break the news to dad that you don't love him or would you rather Bea: This isn't about me and your Father Bea: it's different, you're different Buster: Maybe but I'm not a child Bea: No Bea: Just Bea: like you said, no one needs this Buster: We aren't going to tell anyone Buster: Else, I mean Buster: Someone else might but Bea: Well who the hell else knows Buster: Chloe thinks she does but I sorted that Buster: The main problem is that Drew knows for sure Buster: So far he's only told Indie but I doubt he's in any mood to keep our secrets now Bea: This is ridiculous Bea: Lord Buster: I'm sorry Buster: Not about me and her but that he can be the one to out us, especially right now Bea: No, I'm sorry for you Bea: because you have no idea how difficult you're making things for yourself Bea: it's you two that'll get hurt Bea: it might make a few people uncomfortable but really, not our business who you decide to bed in general so Bea: can't you just stop Buster: I get what you're saying but I do know how hard its already been Buster: And what it's already been like trying to act like we don't feel this way Buster: That really hurts too Buster: So no, we don't want wanna stop Buster: We wanna be together Bea: But how do you suppose you're going to do that if you're not going to tell everyone and live open and honest Bea: It won't work Buster: The same as we have been Buster: We will tell everyone, just not yet, like Buster: Unless Drew does and we have to Bea: You aren't going to have a choice Bea: he has no reason not to Bea: and that will taint how this is percieved, like it or not Buster: I can't make Rio tell everyone now, mum Buster: She doesn't even wanna go home as it is Bea: So let Drew speak for you? Buster: You know I don't want that Bea: I know Bea: I can't promise you he won't Bea: and I fail to see how you can assure that either yourself Bea: either way, you'll be forced to react somehow Buster: I've hurt him before, if I need to I'll do it again Bea: That's neither sensible nor practical Bea: though I see the appeal Buster: Tell what to do then Buster: If you were me, how would you handle it? Bea: You have to own it Bea: or else everyone else will decide what it is for you Bea: personally, I'd want to say before he did but if she can't then Bea: she can't, simple as Bea: but she isn't planning to stay in Skerries forever is she Buster: Obviously not Buster: She's coming back to London with me Bea: Nice of you to run that past me Bea: it's only my house, like Buster: She doesn't have to stay there but she's still coming Buster: I could hardly run it past you when I've only just convinced her myself and I didn't expect to have this convo Buster: What could I have said, exactly? Buster: She needs me, it's that simple Buster: If you don't like it, you don't like it Buster: I don't care Bea: You'd be running it past me when she was suddenly there Bea: Talk whatever shit you like we're not quite that checked out Bea: You're 18, you have no business doing anything like this, especially when your priority is where you'll be come October Buster: I have no business doing what, being in love? Buster: Or trying to take care of Rio after months and months of Drew's bullshit? Bea: Of moving her in! Bea: That's too far Buster: Then we'll go to a hotel Buster: It's not the first time Bea: You're going home and you're focusing on your exams Buster: I'm focusing on my exams regardless Buster: But I'll be staying with Rio, wherever that is Bea: Fine, it's your life Bea: but I don't have to fund it Bea: we'll cover the basics but that's it Buster: Fine Buster: I'm not doing this for a holiday Bea: If she's really coming to London then she can stay whilst she gets sorted with what she's doing but you aren't just moving her in Buster: That was never my intention Buster: I'm not trying to use this fucked up situation to my own advantage like that. Give me some credit, Jesus Bea: I didn't say you were Bea: I'm telling you to not get carried away, or try to tell me how it is in my own home Buster: What do you think is going to happen? Buster: I'm just trying to look after her Buster: I thought you'd be happy about that much Bea: Obviously I care about Rio and her wellbeing Bea: I just don't want you to get caught up in this because it's been so intense thus far Buster: I hear you but you have to understand that I'm deep in this Buster: I love her Bea: I know Bea: but you have to understand your sister also believes she's deeply in love with her straight married teacher so Bea: you and your cousin? I was hoping we'd be able to skip this conversation Bea: forgive me Buster: I'm sorry, mum Buster: It's not like I wanted this to happen, okay Buster: I tried really hard not to want it or let it Buster: For years I couldn't even be in the same room as her, do you have any idea what that's like? Bea: I know you didn't Bea: It Bea: it is what it is Bea: it's a shock but, if it can't be helped then it can't Buster: I know I keep letting you down Buster: But don't hate me, yeah? Buster: Or her Bea: I don't hate you Bea: either of you Bea: It isn't even that it's strictly a bad thing Bea: just a complicated thing, okay? Buster: Yeah Buster: Everything's a mess Buster: But she's the only thing keeping me sane through any of it Bea: Are things really that bad? Bea: I know the Chloe situation is stressful but Buster: It's not just stressful, what she's capable of is scares the shit out of me Buster: Add all the sneaking around and having to handle everything Drew's been trying to do Buster: I don't get to be honest with anyone about basically anything Bea: No, sorry, I shouldn't have worded it that way Bea: That is a lot for you to shoulder Bea: but the Drew stuff is over now, he's finished Bea: and you can talk to me and your Dad, I know you probably don't want to, about many things, but you always can Buster: It's not over for us 'cause he knows and whether he says anything now or not, there's the threat of it until we can speak for ourselves like you said Buster: It's another thing hanging over me while the Chloe thing still is Bea: That's why I really don't think you should wait much longer Bea: Easier said than done, I know but it probably would be easier than the stress of this Buster: But if I rush her into this and it goes badly with everyone else it'll ruin everything Buster: I can't lose her Buster: Not 'cause of him Bea was timed out 87 minutes ago Bea joined the chat 86 minutes ago Bea: Everyone will be alright Bea: Especially her family, they're pretty progressive Buster: Are you gonna tell dad about this? Bea: I don't have to Bea: It's up to you Buster: Please don't Buster: He'll look at me like I'm a massive fuck up again Bea: Oh, Buster Bea: Look, you can't help what you feel Bea: all you can do is work out the best way to handle it and move forward Bea: I won't say anything, period, so don't worry about that Bea: if this is what you want, then we'll both be happy for you, as long as you are Buster: Yeah? Buster: She makes me happy Buster: I know I need to handle it better though Bea: Yeah Bea: You don't need to have everything worked out, okay Bea: but you know, it helps if you can at least act it to the world Buster: Well, if nothing else, I can do that, like Bea: I know you can Buster: I love you too, you know that, yeah? Bea: Of course we do Bea: and we love you Buster: I swear you won't always have to deal with shit like this from me Bea: You're a teenager, it's what you're meant to do Bea: Don't worry about us, we're big enough and ugly enough to handle whatever you reckon you've got, that's our job Bea: Don't forget that, I know we aren't always there but we are, yeah? Buster: I do know that Buster: I just didn't always want it but Buster: I'm tired now, I'm so tired of acting like this all the time Buster: Not gonna let my guard down to the fucking world, like, what you said was right but Bea: I get it Bea: It's not a crime to want to work some things out on your own but you don't need to be isolated when that's no longer what you want Bea: It's normal, well, normal for us Buster: It's not always a bad thing Buster: I'm not trying to say you fucked me up, don't worry Bea: I'll just mark it down as another teenage cliche if you do, cheek Buster: I save those for Nance Bea: I'd tell her you said that Bea: but I've been enjoying the lack of squabbling and bitching lately Buster: Yeah, well I can't promise anything after she finds out everything I'm not telling her Bea: It's like you said Bea: she took advantage of you, and has been playing mindgames ever since Bea: your sister will understand only too well what she's capable of Bea: again, going to be a shock but she isn't going to blame you Buster: It'll be alright Buster: Whatever I have to do Bea: Yes Bea: Good Buster: Thanks mum, seriously Buster: I wasn't trying to turn this convo into you talking me off the ledge, like Bea: No need Bea: If you say you've got School handled, I believe you Bea: just keep me in the loop of what you're going to do next, yeah? Buster: I will Buster: We are coming back soon, I'm working on it Buster: What's it like there? Do I even wanna ask Bea: I know Bea: She's on autopilot now, which is good for the baby but any time I try to make her talk she just reminds me of stressing the baby so Bea: she's shutdown, frankly Buster: She's due soon Buster: Fuck knows if that'll be better or worse Bea: She feels most comfortable in medical settings Bea: I don't want to go there with how you can lose control in birth because well Bea: She just falls back on what needs to be done, always has Buster: Is she still home? I won't bring Rio to ours if you want Ro there Bea: No, she won't leave, her whole birth plan is in Dublin, you know how rigid she is Bea: I'll be staying here with her for a bit Bea: she'd already nested heavily, with his crap out there's barely a trace of Drew so Buster: Okay Buster: What about dad? Bea: He's already back in London Bea: he finds all this difficult, and Ro Buster: Who can blame him? Bea: Well, exactly Bea: but as I said, you're welcome to both go back there, I can warn him if you like but he'll be busy and you know he's not one to ask questions Buster: I can handle it Buster: You've got enough to do Bea: Alright Bea: I'll be commuting back and forth but I probably won't have much chance to check in at home Bea: but you know where I am Buster: Yeah Buster: And you can call me whenever, like Buster: I'll answer Buster: Except if I'm at school, 'cause you know, really important stuff Bea: Watch it Buster: Look after yourself too, mum, yeah? Bea: 'Course Buster: Then we're done Bea: There are more socially acceptable ways to end conversations, you know Buster: As well as less socially acceptable ones Buster: But fine Bea: Goodbye, Buster Buster: See you around, mum

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in-paradox-space · 7 years

Text

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future.

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me.

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable.

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself.

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand.

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me.

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle.

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me.

I’m speaking in material world terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t.

but they still persist and it just goes on

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner.

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls. i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance.

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them.

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though.

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness)

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most.

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned.

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine.

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now.

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel.

then he’s gone.

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it.

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage.

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday.

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it.

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him.

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here.

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation.

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it?

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night.

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it.

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl

#personal #prais #ekek #sorry for defiling your name like that #boyfriend

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chaoscrystals · 7 years

Text

Every note in my phone 7

I always imagine someone is watching me its part of my creative energy I have no divining rod but I can see quite clearly, I could go buy selenite for cleansing but is rather not right now... I always think someone is watching me and its a complicated feeling I'm watching is go by in a swirl of purple pink green etc. It looks like army print texture. I'm meditating enough to be smarter but not enough to be calm. Its nothing more than what it is. It is what you feel and what you percieve. If I didn't think it was a joke, I would have the most beautiful voice in all the land I always think something is watching me it hurts I'm seeing red clovers in my vision and black holes coming out of my pinched vertebrae or whatever is going on in my back. My friends are making noise and I feel alright. So if I'm trying to dissolve my paranoia Its almost summer and the nuclear war is scaring people. Just scaring people. They are just scared I am just scaring people because everyone is in secret all the time and they need to be shocked out of it. What am I doing here? Why do I need this so badly. Drop everything and answer the question. I am exacting revenge for a horrible fate pressed on me ....is any of this normal? Me perceiving ancestral memories. I guess so. I wish I had someone to smile at I wish someone was looking but I am just making sure that it is all the wrong people aren't I? Aren't you. There's no point anymore. All I want is in my hands. Its in my hands. I am glued to my phone in my hands because nothing better to do than soak up radioactivity and allow the wi fi to deliver information at astonishing speeds and mess with all my thoughts like I'm messing with yours now. All exacting my revenge for something that happened to a woman I can barely remember being, but I'm sure when I was alive is was in her body through her skin breathing through her skin and taking in all those..days before pollution but without condoms and surgeries only these things are okay If I have no outlet I can't let out out and its gotta get out and I know it will and I know you can't stop me from doing what I will If you tell me free will is an illusion we can't be friends because i don't believe in that and the universe goes right down too my every last particle,i want to eat it and be it, and if you let me i promise i will never leave you alone. Gets tired of wearing faces. I can't say much. I just wanna eat and smoke pot and play guitar and have friends. But I put so much attachment on what I'm doing cause I believe that's The only way I can be loved. I can't believe what's happening to me I feel another dimension opening up. I want to eat it and be it and if you let me i will stay with you forever. And we will be everything. Every disaster stays whispering that it could have happened around our aides as we walk through the train yard, my head is dizzy. And my nose is picking up on the scent of metal. I feel confused, and I know we were driven here by a disaster. Not quite a zombie apocalypse but it wasn't good. It wasn't good. I still get knots. In. My stomach thinking about it. Everything was just malfunction and before I knew it we were dead This is a poem I'm writing for you, I know who you our, pour out our romance is awkward i hiccup or cough or glitch. My wailing insufferable and unendable. Suffering unbearable. Who would have guessed these words had so much meaning. Obsession This is the truth of my being: i love fucking. I believe in morality and maybe even a little in moral superiority, though I wished I didn't. I don't have sex that often but I think about it a lot. I like to do it with people when I admire something about them. Or its just that insatiable craving, that I gotta have em... Its great when I'm not feeling timid. My hearts kind of blocked off. I really want a boyfriend. I obviously know everyone I hook up with isn't gonna be my boyfriend. I haven't been in a relationship for a few months. But honestly, I think the emotional investment is a lot more important than whatever we decide to refer to each other as. I wish someone would let me just pour myself out to them and just let me give them all of me. All of me - Billie Holiday Sing to them with his arm around me. God I'm eternally sighing as I fantasize about this...I want a boyfriend..a mate. I don't understand why I haven't had someone who feels. .. .. Like how I want them too that's so fucked up I can't accept myself if I can't accept other people for who they are. That's what it means. Whenever its someone new I imagine us becoming these ideal versions and riding off into the sunset. It hasn't happened yet i dont think its going to until i... I am a very spiritual person I believe that my life and surroundings are reflecting my thoughts emotions and of course, history. If I can come into alignment with who I am so that I feel comfortable in my life, and I'm playing the songs I want to be playing, I think that will be when I find someone who is there for me and I can be there for them too. There's that longing in my heart again. The reason why I liked the lyrics to blue moon so much. Whenever I like someone i get obsessed a little bit.. Especially musicians. Its weird for me to be having such intense emotions and thinking that I can't share them. In my experience, whenever I share how I feel they leave and are scared to connect... Then I cry. Sometimes I start telling them about all my problems because I want to be seen crying. I think its not fair that I'm not allowed to share these parts of me that feel so lonely. I ate a bunch of chocolate today I want Ariel to want me around him but I can't force anything. It hurts to want it and think i don't get it. It really hurts I keep reminding myself that I can take my backpack and hit the road, if I want. Its making me feel better. If I can't have the boyfriend I want, I can fucking leave and wander around meeting everyone until I get homesick and take my entitled ass home I know I'm having a lot more thoughts than I could probably write down. Not only that but now I'm sad I was hoping I would be writing something beautiful but I'm still going to let it be... I'm sorry my eating disorder makes me awkward and uncomfortable I'm just not ready to let go. I want everyone to know about it. I hate drinking tap water it makes me feel awful

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