#sometimes they do privately do something nice when they notice you're aware they absolutely hate you

[furiousgoldfish]

I distinctly remember the times in my young childhood, when I would be somewhere out with my parents in public, and I understood that I was about to have a 'normal' experience. I knew they were unlikely to snap or injure me in a public space, so I'd be allowed to act curious, to walk around, not annoy them with questions, but I could smile and interact with strangers, and they wouldn't get mad. I would liven up and get really happy and try to get the most out of it, one time I even tried to hold my parents hands (I was very small) and they pulled their hands away (I took it too far apparently). I had a great time having those 'normal' experiences, for me they were the only normal I got, and I would hold onto those memories and believe that surely, we were a normal family, I was a child, I had two parents, they were surely taking care of me.

Going home, however, would open up deep dread and sadness inside of me, because I knew things would change as soon as we were inside those 4 walls. They would get mad at me, yell and criticize me, berate me for anything they found annoying earlier, and shout at me until I would be too scared to leave my room. Going home eventually became associated with having a nervous breakdown in the car (silently, of course) and I would be swallowing tears until we reached the house.

I understand now, that the 'normal' times I would get, were the times where they needed to present in public as a normal family, so I was supposed to act like a normal child. I was required to act normal. I understood there was to be zero symptoms of abuse shown in public, and I could not act weird or avoidant, I had to showcase that I was energetic, curious, and happy child.

Since normal and non-hostile family relationship was all I needed, those pretend times seemed real to me, they were essential for me to have a 'normal' experience, to believe that my family is real, that we're okay, that I have parents who to some degree, care about me. Those experiences helped me to believe that. But the spell would be broken as soon as we got home because - my family was abusive. And they felt very free and comfortable to turn back to abuse as soon as we were inside of their house, where they didn't have to pretend they didn't hate me.

If you have experiences with your family that felt good, normal, and like you were getting what you needed for a while - but this spell got broken as soon as you were alone with them, or as soon as they had a bad day, or were frustrated, or angry about something, or as soon as you made a tiny mistake, or annoyed them, there's a chance the normal part was an act to protect their reputation. Good times are not the proof of 'not abusive', they're always there, even the most abusive situation has good times, otherwise nobody would have reason enough to stay.

#child abuse #recognizing abuse #emotional abuse #abusive parents #traumatic childhood #the good times in abuse #bonding moments with abusive parents #mostly in public where abusing a child would make them look bad #sometimes they do privately do something nice when they notice you're aware they absolutely hate you #and they can't have that #they need to have you be naive and thinking everything is for your own good #psychological abuse