#so we walked and talked and it was literaly the most non conversational conversation ive ever had i think. probably not ever had but it was

[pepprs]

ok um. literally fucking pain and suffering. mutuals i need ur advice vote now on your phones 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#so we walked and talked and it was literaly the most non conversational conversation ive ever had i think. probably not ever had but it was #up there. AND ITS MY FUCKING FAULT because i dodged the bullet LITERALY right out the gate. she asked how are you feeling and i couldve #fucking talked about like… her leaving but instead i just started talking abt being in THSI new position which maybe she might’ve asked #specifically how are you feeling abt this new position but i forget lol. but that’s the route i took and never ONCE did i say like… from #literally DAY ONE my entire tenure as coordinator has been skewered by your sudden decision to depart this organization and ABANDON US AWLL! #and i told her a little bit abt the stuff i have to do and she was telling me abt like.. how to navigate that and then i asked how she was #feeling and… we spent the whole rest of the convo there LMAOOOO bc it was just abt how daunted she is by everything she has to do in her new #position but also being excited abt it and looking forward to the adventure. and i just had no idea what to say to any of it so ijust kept #asking lame questions and giving these like fucking weak reassurances that she would figure everything out and stuff. but she was going into #like intricate detail abt it which is fine! like im happy to hear abt it and i want to know and im glad she’s telling me. but i wanted to #talk abt how this has been like… painful? and we just literally like.. with the occasion of maybe 2 things that didn’t even rly count that #much. like we just didn’t talk abt it. i didn’t even say i’ll miss you or like anything like that. and the one thing i was rly hoping to get #out of this convo (basically like… ensuring that we will stay in each other’s lives despite this) kinda happened but it was so like.. idk #she was just like rly casually / lightly you can come visit me on the shuttle any time. but againwe were kinda saying it jokingly / lightly #and nothing abt it was like rly sincerely like… i care about you. you mean a lot to me. this journey we have been on has mattered so much. a #and it is ending in some ways but not in all ways and let’s work together to make sure it won’t end. that’s what i wanted. and instead we #had like 3 excruciatingly awkward silences and ended litsdally at 5pm on the dot and that part is to be expected but the silences sucked. i #only have one more chance to see her (technically 2 but i don’t think it would be fair for me to take that second one so i won’t) and i know #i can write her a card saying some of THSI stuff and i will but also like.. i want and need to say it to her face and hear her say in real #time that like. seriously this has meant a lot and we will stay connected. and i need to tell her how much she has meant to me bc i don’t #think she knows. so what i want advice on is like.. do i just say it in a card or do i ask her to do a phone call or virtual meeting or #something for literally 10-15 minutes at the very end of the day just to say that. idk. like what do u think seriously i know it’s cringe b #but this is like one of the most important people in my whole life and we don’t have the relationship i want us to and i know we never will #but i at least want to tell her how much i care about her and like affirm that we will still be bound by some cosmic whatever and in each #others lives. idk. lol. im trying so hard not to cry it’s rly hard to think bc im at the dinner table lol. but what do u think. just say it #in the card or do i ask her to talk for a little while longer just to say it and not chicken out this time. i hate being socially inept LOL #purrs #delete later #it’s also not entirely my fucking fault. like she just doesn’t.. she doesn’t go there. at least not with me.and im so frustrated and sad LOL