#so it's fun to sort of write around its outline to show that they don't need vows or formality to be as close as they are
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the usual
Shadowgast, Rated G, 573 words, prompt: late night takeout
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"We should perhaps take a break."
"We are getting somewhere, though." Caleb stood and cracked his back. A topographic map of papers, open books, and component jars was laid out on the floor before them.
"We are," Essek agreed. "But if we keep going, it will be several more hours before we pause a second time, and I may begin chewing on parchment to sustain myself."
As if on cue, Caleb's stomach gave a loud gurgle. He ruefully put his hands on his middle. "Ach, you've woken the beast. Well. I suppose you are right. Do you have food here, or should we go out?"
Essek straightened his robes and neatened his hair with an effortless wave of Prestidigitation. "The night is warm. Let us walk. I know a place." He twisted a ring on his finger and his image shimmered, though to Caleb - who wore a second, matching ring - he still looked like himself.
("You know it is an Empire tradition to marry with an exchange of rings," Caleb had teased him, accepting the plain copper band. Only a Detect Magic would reveal it as enchanted. Essek had looked a little embarrassed, but shrugged it away. "I only wish for you to see me as I am. You don't have to take it." And Caleb, warmed, had put the ring directly on his finger and it had been there ever since.)
Caleb followed Essek through the streets of Nicodranas, which were not vacant even at this late hour, but peaceful and welcoming by the presence of others strolling by to enjoy the balmy air and the stars.
After twenty minutes of walking in companionable silence, they came to a storefront whose cheerful interior made it appear as a lantern in the dark. Steam and smoke fled the chimneys on the roof, and the clank of pots and pans and the murmur of people's voices from within broke the spell of nocturnal calm that wrapped around the rest of the city.
"The usual, please," Essek said to an attendant who opened a side window, releasing a billow of air fragrant with herbs and spices. "And... your special for today."
Twenty minutes more, and they were sat on a wooden bench nearby with cheap clay pots in hand, heavy with broth, vegetables, fresh seafood, and translucent rice noodles.
"Your usual," Caleb teased.
Essek raised his eyebrows and did not reply, as he was busy transferring a cascade of noodles into his mouth with chopsticks. They finally vanished with a less-than-dignified slurp. He patted his mouth with a handkerchief. "You have cilantro in your beard. And a bit of oil."
"Oh. Would you?" Caleb tilted his chin forward. Prestidigitation washed over him a moment later. The tingle of it continued down the back of his neck and to his collarbones. Caleb laughed. "I did not have soup all the way down to there, did I?"
Essek sniffed primly and busied himself with his next bite, humor tugging the corner of his mouth.
When they were done, the clay pots set aside to return to the bin at the back of the restaurant, they simply sat there for a long time, watching the passers-by on the street. The warm air wrapped around them, every so often carrying a hint of the sea. The stars glimmered above.
"This was a good idea," Caleb said, Essek's hand in his. He lifted it to brush his lips against the back of it.
Essek smiled. "I know."
#thanks for the prompt jess! <3#critical role#tumblr snippets#shadowgast#ariadne writes CR#my personal interpretation is that shadowgast probably wouldn't focus on something like marriage in their actual post-canon life#so it's fun to sort of write around its outline to show that they don't need vows or formality to be as close as they are#(note - this is not commentary on what people should/shouldn't write in fic! i've written them married in other ficlets)
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Hello! about your malevolent ask
[long ass answer- many apologies]
its a slightly goofy, sort of horror soap opera, in the vein of call of cthulu/tma. I dont find it Super Scary, but idk what your milage for horror is.
The overarching plot is drivin by the patrions (sp sorry), in the style of a choose your own adventure novel- you can usually tell where the choices are; it'll be something like 'omg arthur, we're at a crossroads- do we go left, to the evil cavern (where the horrors live) or right, to the evil woods (more horrors).' You can also hear more overt RPG stylings in the beginning- dice roll sounds for perception checks, etc. These do fade out after the first season.
Rough outline (some spoilers): John (a spirit/demon type guy) possesses Arthur (a detective from Arkham MA) and, in doing so, takes over his eyes. Now Arthur must navigate the world with only the guidance of the voice in his head. Horrors unfold, walls are walked into the boys are in their get-along consciousness. Think venom, if both of them were way bitchier and prone to swearing. and also eddy was blind.
IS IT GAY: Yes and no. If its a friendship, its really intense- but cannonicaly it has been very firmly stated that they are just friends. However, the relationship is intertwined and deep enough that many people consider it to be queerplatonic- Arthur being aromantic is a very popular interpretation, if that sweetens the pot for you (idk how loosely you're using gay here). Glib answer: its pretty queer, but no kissing.
COOL STUFF:
-A dramatic, intense relationship between a guy and the dude who lives in his head. They argue ( my god how they argue) they make up, they argue again.
-The saddest little english man (arthur) gets chucked off cliffs multiple times. Do you like men whimpering? This is the podcast for you!
-Very impressive voice acting: the writer voices absolutely everyone in the podcast (yes. everyone) and its genuinely almost unnoticeable. You really do have to have it pointed out to you.
-Fun, slightly campy (in the way of an rpg campaign) Lovecraft style horror
-Lovely piano soundtrack
-A gentleman called the butcher shows up in- what season 3? maybe?- and I adore him. Go singing irishman go. You get that violent homoeroticism.
Drawbacks:
Again, I don't really know your taste, but these are some of the things that might turn someone off from listening. YMMV etc.
-LOUD. If you dont like gentlemen yelling DIRECTLY AND ANGRILY INTO THE MIC then this is not for you. If you do like that, then you are about the have the time of your life. There is also just. An incredible amount of panting/heavy breathing. Also directly into the mic, and at length. Like, an 'i am secretly watching gay pornography' amount. I had it going on a speaker once and my roommate had questions, kind of amount
-Almost no women characters: understandable, since a dude is voicing Literally Everyone- but it is something of a sausage fest. Women exist in universe, they just tend to move in the backround/be unvoiced. Lots of 'oh heres whats happened to her' sort of describing around the 'I can't voice a woman' issue. One old lady has a few voice lines and thats it.
-Kind of a soap: This is a draw for me ngl, but if you are looking for TMA 2: the magnusing- she isn't it. Its a LOT lighter than tma, writing wise, and isnt exactly hitting any crazy new twists in its plot (if you've read Any lovecraftian stuff you probably wont be super surprised by anything)BUT. Its still very fun. Two dudes sharing a body, detective roadship shenanigans. They might kiss! Might see some skinned bodies or something.
The dynamics can be a lil repetative (wake up break up back together) and the plot can be a little- ehhhh. due to it being yk, patrion controlled- but that can be fun- it's pretty heavily a choose your own adventure story at heart, so if your down with that (and the sillyness that comes with it) then you'll like it.
-Gore: pretty gory. I enjoy that sort of thing/ am not really effected by it BUT if that not your cup of tea, then you might wanna skedaddle.
🤠 thats all. Again, apologies for the very long answer.
First off- don’t apologize! This gave me everything I needed- thank you for the detailed answer to my question! Looks like I’m giving this podcast a listen- everyone wish me luck 😭
#malevolent#malevolent podcast#you said qpr and I was all in#I’m aroace so I’d love to see better rep of that kind of thing#even if it’s not explicitly stated that it’s a canon qpr
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OK SO IVE HAD THIS IDEA FOR A WHILE! i think it was inspired by a tumblr post but here is an outline for a Oliver gets possessed by litho timeline idea!
Child. was watching tv with his parents when they started to be....not great parents. ummmm he fights back and now has two dead adults on his hands but is like Sara in the sense he doesn't quite realize what hes done. or at least is one hell of an actor to the cops.
his siblings are still around but once parents died he was to young to hold custody so he hasn't seen them since that night. they moved away.
founders trio happens the same. but instead of phone calls Oliver grows distant watching some sort of news channel. still has the same effect and follows Sara's footsteps except with tv instead of phones.
Winnie shows up. we love to see it. Lewis dies the same. only Oliver is a lot less....i don't know...mischievous with it. hes more cold, calculated vibes than Sara's quick jabs and menacing one liners. i also think hes just a tad more sympathetic to Litho/Winnie than Sara because missing siblings/kids. he knows how that feels.
other deaths go the same minus the twins. because! we replace them with uhhhh idk yet. either Celio or Norman. someone close to Sara.
Sara! then gets Damien involved. for detective reasons and also because she knows hes been Olivers crush for years and can try to talk some sense into him
it didn't work. Oliver sends Sara to the basement and she get a radio instead of Tv which i think is fun!
i think Damien ends up making the virus in this au. in fact the way i see it the radio trap was meant for him but Sara ended up falling for it so hes in here looking for her but also trying to help Oliver.
Drama romance bloodshed, the series goes on as usual. other fun facts when Litho takes over Oliver's soul gets shoved into the WTD website, this is really my theory on what happend to cannon Sara. but making it cannon in this au because its cool.
Big end confrontation with the collector and stuff. we get a moment of softness from Litho seeing his brother again, and then star reveals he knows where the twins are. this is where major cannon divergence starts to happen. because that breaks Oliver out of Lithos control. even for a second. his eyes flash black to blue before Litho reeks havoc and memory stuff happens.
Wiatt ends up escaping along with Damien with their new found goal of finding Oliver's younger siblings while trying to restore everyone's memories.
Twins are either circus performers or just like genuinely living in the middle of no where with some random guy who i would connect to a character, like a sibling of one of the main cast.
Is this twin centric when it probably shouldn't be?.....yes. big reason ill never write this is because i always feel like im either dragging it to far from cannon or two close to cannon to make an au thats interesting.
Anyway feel free to ask be about it if you want. this is pretty much all i have for it but im more than happy to add more.
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Nobody Goes to Hogwarts (Yes, the frog writes fanfic)
If you don't want a vicious Harry Potter deconstruction, do not click. I am serious, this is for your own mental health, angry fans. If you yell at me, you will boost my content with the algorithm. I don't want your attention and you don't want me to be seen, so our goals align. Just walk away.
I started this during Rowling's meltdown, for funsies, and then it got so bad that I quit. This was always meant to be a critical take on the Wizarding World, but I decided it was better not to name-check its author or prod the hornets' nest of her offended fans. So I did one and only outlined the rest. I got hit with a poll asking if I'd ever written fanfic, and I'm thinking about how people get discouraged and stop sharing their work, so now I'm putting it out here anyway. Potter's not going away, so we might as well deconstruct the hell out of it.
These are my characters from my story, which is firmly post-Potter. I put them in her world to see how badly people like them would frig it up. I'll write the rest if anybody want's that - it's fun for me! let me know! - but I'll summarize at the bottom, for the curious.
The one I wrote is for Hyacinth, and it's set in 1945 - they are wizards, so I had to spread their ages out a bit. (I don't really know how living for hundreds of years works in Potter, and neither does Rowling, so just roll with it.) She would've been a Hufflepuff, but she never got sorted, and this is why:
Barnaby leaned against the doorway and folded his arms. “Running away from home are we?” he said. “That’s a lovely hat for it. You look as if you’re about to deny the murder of your third husband.”
“It’s Tabby’s.” She adjusted it. It gave the abstract impression of a black swan with lace trimmings and a veil. “And I am not running away,” said the little blonde girl with the suitcase. She balled up another pair of stockings and stuffed them inside. There was also a full load of comic books, a painting of a bullfight, and she seemed to be stealing one of David’s smaller musical automatons, but she had neglected to pack any dresses. She wasn’t wearing one either, but she had put on a simple linen slip and some shoes and stockings, along with the hat. “I am going to school. I got my letter.” She held up the envelope.
The gentleman plucked it from her fingers and regarded it. “Hogwarts. Aren’t you a little old for Hogwarts, Alice?”
“My name is not Alice. They said it’s all right because of my injury.” She knocked her hand on the side of her head.
“I suppose this is your parents’ doing?”
“Beats me, and I don’t think I care,” she replied. “If I need anything signed, I’ll put David’s name on it. One of his names, anyway. He taught me how to sign all of them. I’m stealing some of his money, and I’ll stop by Diagon Alley and buy myself a wand. I don’t think he’ll notice.”
“I don’t think he’ll notice the money, but he might notice when you don’t show up for dinner a few days in a row.”
She shrugged. “I’ll write him.” She paused with her hands in the suitcase. “Do you think I ought to have an owl? I don’t know if I’m really an owl person. I suppose a cat wouldn’t carry a letter, but how about a kangaroo? You know, with the pocket.”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure David would be happy to buy you one if you gave him an excuse, so please refrain.” He sat on the bed next to the suitcase and held up the letter. “You do know I went to Hogwarts, don’t you? Briefly.”
She closed the suitcase and set it on the floor. “I thought you and David were Beauxbatons boys.”
Barnaby winced. “Yes. Although I’m not sure David was authorized to be there, he may just have decided he wanted to go and showed up. If I’d read my tea leaves a little more closely, I might’ve stayed at Hogwarts and left him alone, but I don’t think I would’ve been very happy there. I doubt anyone is capable of bossing you around and I’m not about to try, but I don’t think you would be happy there either, Hyacinth.”
“What? Because of their stupid hat? I’ve got a better one.” She tugged on the veil. “Maybe they’ll fall in love and have baby bonnets. Besides, I don’t care if they put me in Slytherin. I don’t mind being evil. I’ll make the best of it. David does.”
“I think you’re more Hufflepuff material, but it’s not that,” he said. “Do you know they have house elves at Hogwarts?”
“House elves?” said Hyacinth, blinking. “Plural? Just two or lots?”
“Lots,” Barnaby said, nodding.
She began to grin. She clutched both hands to her face and then threw her arms in the air and cried, “Hooray!” She spun a joyful circle. The veil lifted away and her hair flew. “They can’t do any schooling at all if they’ve got multiple house elves, Barnaby! Why didn’t you stay? Were they more annoying than David?”
He sighed. “I never saw them, Hyacinth. Not one.”
She planted both hands on her hips and leaned forward. “Barnaby, I know you’re dumb, but you’re not dumb enough to let multiple house elves whiz past you. Don’t you even remember stepping over their weird art projects? Were they all into transcendental meditation or something quiet?”
Barnaby pointed at her. “You think all house elves are like Tabby and Herringbone, don’t you?”
Hyacinth took off her spectacular hat. “Well, I’m not racist, Barnaby. I don’t think they all paint matadors and do fashion design, but they’re both very single-minded and odd and proud of it. David would only want the best house elves around. Is there something wrong with the other ones?”
“Oh, dear-oh, dear-oh, dear,” said Barnaby. He shook his head. “This isn’t the sort of conversation I’d like to have sober, but Herring basically lives under the drinks cart when he’s not painting, and if we go into the kitchen Tabby is going to dress us and feed us — and I think they’d both be embarrassed to hear me talk about it. Hyacinth, let me sit here and explain about house elves and then if you still want to go to Hogwarts I’ll take you to Diagon Alley myself and we’ll get you a kangaroo. All right?”
She plunked down on the bed next to him and drew up her legs. Her expression was grave. “Well?”
“House elves are,” he began, and then he didn’t know how to finish. He looked up and pointed out the door, in Tabby and Herringbone’s general direction. “Well, first off, they are not like Tabby and Herring! They are quiet. They cook and they clean and that’s basically it.”
“What about in their off hours?”
“They don’t have off hours, Hyacinth!” He shook his head. “They claim they don’t want any. It’s cultural. That’s like an insult. And they don’t want money, and you can’t give them any clothes, that’s like firing them… Only it’s worse than firing them because…” He put his head in his hands and raked his fingers back through his thinning hair. “Let me start again: Hyacinth, house elves are property.”
“Don’t be stupid,” she said. “You can’t own a person.”
“But we don’t treat them like people and they’re fine with it,” Barnaby said. “I mean, Tabby and Herring aren’t — not anymore — but to the best of my knowledge they’re the only ones like that. My family had one as I was growing up and I barely saw her. And I’m the third child, so I won’t get her when my mother dies, my older brother will. A house elf is like a dinette set.”
He shut his eyes. “No, a house elf is like a slave, and they’re happy to be that way. When David gave Tabby and Herring clothes, they were miserable. They were ashamed. And they kept following him around anyway because they had no idea what else to do with themselves. They were like that when I knew him in school, two tiny people in perfect little outfits who lived under his bed and cried a lot.”
“Why did he dress them up if they didn’t want…” She put up her hand. “No, that’s a stupid question. He does whatever he wants, I already know that.”
“They usually wear tea towels and things and he thought they looked shabby,” Barnaby said. “I have no idea where he got them, you know how he is with his stories and they back him up no matter what he says, but he thought they looked shabby so he put them in clothes and they disintegrated. Emotionally. He told them he didn’t want them to leave and he’d take care of them as long as they wanted, but they didn’t believe him. He used to feed them.”
“What, like, with a spoon?”
“No, more like pets. He put plates down on the floor near his bed and every once in a while you’d see a wrinkly little hand come out and take something. The first time I saw it happen I damn near had a heart attack. I thought we had a gnome infestation or something. But he picked up the bedskirt and showed me his house elves. They even had little shoes — I mean, you know what they look like. They live here. But they’re not supposed to look like that. Tabby liked fruit salads. He used to steal them from the dining hall for her, but she’d only eat if she didn’t think we were looking.”
Barnaby sat back on the bed. “I’d known David ten years before Herringbone produced his first bullfight painting, and it was fifteen before Tabby sort of delicately asked if she could have a fashion magazine. And I have no idea how long he had them before I met him!”
“So the ones at Hogwarts just haven’t had enough time,” said Hyacinth. She frowned. “And maybe little shoes. Do they need me to bring them little shoes, Barnaby? I’m happy to do it. Tabby always says a new outfit can make you into a new person, but I thought it was a metaphor.”
“They wouldn’t take the little shoes, Hyacinth,” Barnaby said. “You’d have to force them, like David, and they wouldn’t thank you for it. They wouldn’t even consider themselves yours, so I’m not sure what they’d do. They might all march into the lake and drown themselves out of despair. They are happy being slaves and they don’t know anything else. There’s a reason Tabby and Herring don’t have any house elf friends, it’s not just their taste. They’re outcasts, because the others literally do not understand how they can be that way, and they don’t understand the others anymore.”
Hyacinth tented her fingers against her mouth. Barnaby was aware that he did this himself in his more pensive moods and felt oddly flattered. “So we have to wait until they have children, however long that takes, and make sure the kids grow up knowing they have choices and opportunities and they can go to Hogwarts too,” she said. “I think they all ought to have scholarships, Barnaby. And they should get their parents’ back pay!”
“Hyacinth, this has been going on longer than recorded history. If they do have children, and I assume they must, they end up just like the parents.”
Hyacinth slapped a hand on the mattress. It bounced. “But they live with us!” she said. “Why aren’t they forgetting their culture and picking their favourite bits of ours to copy? Like we stole Christmas and curry!”
“I don’t know, Hyacinth,” he said. “But nobody’s extremely keen to find out because they work for free.”
“So what we have here,” said Hyacinth, “is an entire race of people consigned to a lifetime of servitude, right up until someone decides to dress them in clothes, and then it’s like they wake up and they have no idea what to do, even though they’ve seen how other people live freely.”
“Yes, rather.”
“And they can, in fact, learn how to live freely themselves, but not until someone dresses them up, then it’s like they’re starting over from square one.”
“Yes.”
“As if they were under a spell,” said Hyacinth acidly. “Not unlike one of those curses that gets you locked up in Azkaban, except nobody does anything about this one because it gets them a free cleaning service?”
Barnaby rubbed his eyes with both hands. “You’ve put it a bit more bluntly than I would, but I still feel badly I didn’t do anything about Hopscotch.”
“This would be your house elf you grew up with?”
“Yes. I mean, to be fair, I had no idea Tabby and Herringbone were possible back then. It’s only since I’ve seen them grow up that I wonder about poor Hoppy, but I’m not allowed to go back and get her. Legally.”
“Because she’s property,” said Hyacinth, practically melting her way through the bed.
“She’s rather attached to my mother too, she does have feelings!” Barnaby cried. He sighed and looked away. “She’s a person with feelings.”
“We’ll wait until your mother dies then,” said Hyacinth, in a matter-of-fact tone that Barnaby found borderline offensive, but not as offensive as slavery. “But Hogwarts owns their elves and they could free them and pay for a good alienist anytime they wanted and they don’t.”
“I’ve written them letters but they never reply,” Barnaby said. “They printed the one David and I sent to the Daily Prophet but they called us both crackpots and sexual deviants.” He laid a dignified hand on his chest, “I am not a sexual deviant. I just don’t give myself airs when other people are.”
Hyacinth picked up the suitcase and threw it on the bed. “Looks like David will be paying for my private tutors at least until I’m old enough for the W.O.M.B.A.T.s.” she said. “I’m perfectly happy being held to a lower standard in education, I have better things to do than school, I just thought I might like a wand and a kangaroo. I’m glad nobody knows where the hell David came from with his money and my family is in no way respectable.”
“Your family is quite ancient and respectable, Hyacinth,” Barnaby said, blinking,
“Those twits at the estate in Devonshire are not my family,” Hyacinth said. “They decided they’d rather be respectable than have a matched set of daughters, so to hell with them. I’m going to go give Tabby and Herring a big hug!”
“Hyacinth!” Barnaby called after her. “If you don’t put on a dress, Tabby will tie you up and stuff you into one of hers!”
“This time, I’ll let her!” Hyacinth yelled back.
[Well, I think that formatted all right! As for the rest of the Hyacinth's House Mob: Barnaby got sorted into Ravenclaw in 1914 and got ejected for cheating - he made it obvious because he preferred the future where he ends up at Beauxbatons, little knowing it would include David. Room 101 broke the sorting hat with, er... his/her/their/it's abilities, in 1931. Mordecai fed a Malfoy a bar of soap on the train, was horrified wizards don't seem to know who Hitler is in 1933, stalled the hat, and fled in terror after being assigned Gryffindor. Sanaam (Ravenclaw, never sorted) ran into the Forbidden Forest to have a look at the animals, in 1950, and never came back. The General got sorted into Slytherin in 1952, contrary to her wishes, and demanded to know why they have an evil house, before choosing to continue her education with her abusive mother. Milo (Gryffindor, never sorted) got dumped in St. Mungo's in 1977, due to his significant issues, because Hogwarts doesn't do special education or accommodate disabilities. Calliope (Ravenclaw, never sorted) chose not to answer her owl for similar reasons in 1978, although her whole family is wacky so they don't parse autism and ADHD as disabilities. Maggie (Gryffindor, never sorted) also chose not to answer her owl after some discussion about the virtues of resisting the system from within versus refusing to participate. Erik got sorted into Slytherin in 1992, and was dragged home by a horrified Mordecai after writing one letter home about how all the "pureblood supremacy" wasn't much fun. Lucy got sorted Ravenclaw in 2000 and got dragged home by Calliope after writing one letter home about how there weren't any art classes. And, finally, in 2006, Dave (also a potential Ravenclaw) did not answer his owl for reasons which will become obvious, but are a bit spoilery for my readers. By that point, Hyacinth's house would have advanced owl defences anyway, so I might've been able to cite that as a quick gag without ruining the surprise.
But I haven't written any of that out for real. I will do so ONLY if you tempt me! I really wanted to do Mordecai's, that one would probably be the longest. "...Oh, I'm only a bit worried because I'm Jewish, that's all!" "What sort of a wizard is that?" "...It's a bit like an Animagus. When the stars are right, I have the ability to turn into a pastrami sandwich." "Let's see it." "Can't, I haven't had my Bar Mitzvah yet. ...Here, have another one of these Muggle candy bars, Mr. Malfoy."]
#fanfiction#tin soldier and soldier on#and reluctantly the wizarding world of harry potter#look just don't give it money and don't give the author free publicity#i can't remove it from my brain or the public consciousness so all i can do is build on it#or refrain from doing so but i doubt i can stop it from doing more damage in any case#not hiding my light under a bushel#but tumblr probably will#house elf liberation NOW
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Hi Grey.
If you ever have the time I would really like ti hear more about your writingprogress.
Like. How do you come up with your ideas? Do you do a outline? Where and when do you write? Are you finishing all your stories before posting them? Do you fact check things? How long time does it normally take for you to finish a story? Have you ever regretting posting a story? Why do you write? Do you have a beta?
Youre one of my favorite authors here and I’m really just curious of the mind and work behind the story’s that I’ve spent so much time with.
weeping. I'm one of your favorites???? what the hell??? thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for being so nice. that just made my day.
i am going to put the answers to all those things below a cut to not spam my dash with a long post. but also, i shouldn't give writing advice ever and while i appreciate you asking your questions, everything with a grain of salt. because...i know absolutely nothing and this is just what I do. (and also, im an affectionate idiot so <3)
How do you come up with your ideas?
often my ideas start with a very very specific image in my mind, and then i go from there. sometimes they happen while im listening to a song (for example, FFTF happened because I was listening to Since We're Alone by Niall Horan and there's a line in there that says Why would you want to be someone else? I love you best when you're just yourself and an entire wolfstar narrative exploded, but i had to figure out how Sirius would be guarded in this particular way and....here we are) or sometimes when im on a walk or driving. also, as a total cop out, i write romance-- i get ideas from making foolish scenarios in my mind where people should fall in love and I'll never have a shortage of those.
Do you do an outline?
No! I don't. Once I have the idea, i usually start by writing the specific scene that came to me first (so for ten reasons, i wrote the voicemail scene first. i heard remus's voicemail in my mind so loud and clear and wrote it out) and i go from there. this is for my own unpacking but i almost always can see how things end in my mind before they begin (lol, isn't that a fucking metaphor; for a fun personal fact, I've always said since i was like...very little that i wasn't planning on living past 33, which is horrifying to hear out of a ten year olds mouth, but like...i still think its true). for almost all my fics, i wrote the ending first and then wrote around it. never chronologically. just everything that i want to happen and then i put it in some sort of order (i wish i could show you my doc for tight ends right now). and then i make them lead into one another.
I DO. however, do an obligatory chapter count. and i mean, so arbitrary, with no thoughts applied to it. NMTW i literally said 14 chapters, and stuck to it. this is the only structure i give myself when i write. and its my job as a writer to make sure i fit in there.
i do the same when im writing tumblr series. so like fault lines got SIX, chosen at random, and six it was. it was my job to tell that story in six parts. no more no less. (this is admittedly weird, i understand most writers dont work this way, but this actually helps me immensely. the only time i deviated was with FFTF when i added more chapters because the chapters i did have ended up being like TOO LONG in my eyes for a chapter, so i broke them up).
but also--i know other authors who DO outline and its helpful for them!! Find what works for you!!! I tried to outline once and the fic never left my drafts.
Where and when do you write?
To quote Shakira, "Whenever, Wherever"
I write a lot in parking lots on my phone. a lot of my tumblr drabbles are written on my phone and in a parking lot, ten reasons and tight ends were both started in parking lots.
otherwise on my desktop! in google docs! or if its smut, in a word doc! i write the best early in the morning or super late at night when i should be sleeping. I write when i can! Usually at my desk, or i'lll bring my laptop over and write while my kid is playing video games or we're watching something on tv. sometimes i write in the middle of my work day when i have a second in my office (this is also very quick and very on my phone). i just wrote smut at a nail salon. whenever, wherever.
Are you finishing all your stories before posting them?
yes. head to toe, top to bottom, signed sealed delivered. the stories are written before i post. this works better for me! i need to see the whole thing finished!! it also makes it very fun for me when readers are commenting and are like...in anguish, and im there like "tee hee, i know what happens next".
tumblr drabbles no. i pants those. fault lines, mercy, the pact (is part four written? nah but its started and i have no idea where its going to go!!!), the best worst thing to have ever happened-- PANTSTED. sat and written flat into the tumblr post machine. no outline, no plan, just feelings and vibes. (and yes this means that the end of fault lines was a pants decision and im very sorry it ruined everyone, whoops).
this again varies from author to author! most of my writer friends write as they go because they like to be align with the readers! or they work better chronologically and will just write and post and write and post, but again, this is something personal! do what works best for you!
Do you fact check things?
Lol sometimes? I probably should more often, tbh. I do a lot of geography fact checking because i couldn't map my way out of a paper bag, but otherwise, not...really. But also, my fics dont tend to have a lot of....information in them that needs a fact check. People are just falling in love. also, not to flex, but i have a big brain that stores a bunch of useless information and remembers a lot of things, so if i write something i usually believe myself (writing tight ends right now and putting my football knowledge to good use and there's been a few times I've been like "...hmmm" and referenced google and WE WERE RIGHT! so i mostly just trust my brain.)
Writing NMTW was also challenging because i had to reference SOURCE MATERIAL to see if there was a designated teacher for x subject, or when exactly school breaks were etc etc. but that said, i did not care about being accurate with full moons or course timestables or hogsmeade visits or anything like that. we...simply do not care. (this obviously does not apply to things that very much need fact checking such as if i were to write a medical procedure or something relating to disability or race/ethnicity/languages spoken; obviously do your homework for that.)
How long a time does it normally take you to finish a story?
Cop out-- it depends! Sometimes less than a week. (The pact is short, will be done by tomorrow most likely). I wrote ten reasons in four days. it took me 3 months to write an alleged wip though. it just....depends on my time and my schedule.
Have you ever regretted posting a story?
Sometimes! There was a moment when i was fresh on AO3 (pre-tumblr) where i got a few really nasty comments and it made me regret posting the story at all and made me regret joining AO3, and made me regret thinking my fics could be a thing or that my writing was worth sharing etc. I know I give FFTF a hard time because they're....out of pocket, but there are parts of that fic i really really like, and it seems to connect with a lot of people, so i can't have regrets about that.
i have deleted a few one shots off my AO3 though, because i decided they didn't need to be shared, but i wouldn't necessarily call that regret. just...re-evaluation.
Do you have a beta?
No. I do have one trusted person though who i send things to before i release them into the public, not as a beta but as.....a litmus test (to see how the fic reads but also for me and how i feel about sharing it in the first place; I've done it before with this person where they got something and then WEEKS later tumblr got it. Sometimes months.). I 10/10 recommend doing this. and i feel so so so so so so lucky that i found someone like that here and they tolerate my existence. but pre-tumblr, it was just me myself and i doing the thing. and also it took some time before i even trusted this person (did i mention im paranoid? and private?) to get my work because you can't take it back. and what if it didn't need to be shared? there are a few things this person has gotten that i havent and will never post. but like...im so fortunate to have that. you know?
I...am way too chaotic for a beta. and also have a very particular way i edit my stuff (because ND) and adding another person into the flow of that can get confusing. Too many cooks, you know?
Why do you write?
i saved this one for the end because my heart.
i think i've said before that like...a lot of my time as a child and a teenager and young adult in spaces was spent believing that i was a bad writer because neurodivergent and i don't understand mechanics of grammar or...words or...write in a way you're supposed to (outlines for example). and spent a lot of time giving my ideas to other people who i thought were GOOD writers.
but i...am a creative person. and sometime in 2019, i hit the biggest artist block of my life where i literally didn't draw or paint for a year. and picked up writing instead.
poetry, and then it evolved into romance, which i...turned into fic and here i am. and ultimately, i write because i like to. because its creative and it makes my brain happy when a sentence just hits, you know? because i believe in love and want to see more queer love stories and if i...can do the thing, i should, right?
i write because i...realized that i had stories in my head that needed places to go that i couldn't express visually through my artwork. also, ive mentioned it here before, that i am...young and have experienced an absurd amount of death and loss in my life (personally and professionally). and...well, i write a lot of fics about grief for that reason. i don't think i could ever run out of words for this (and have also published ACTUALLY on grief, both creatively and academically), and sometimes i write to like...sit with those feelings for a bit.
i...also think i write because i am a soft human in a very hard world in a hard career path who experiences things deeply and these things and observations need places to go. i cant carry them around all day, that's too heavy and my hands aren't big enough.
so i make art. and i dance. and i play music.
and i write.
i hope any of this is helpful. and if you get the courage to come off anon, i am more than happy to talk with you in DMS about processes or answer any more questions <3
#asks#grey answers#on writing#this is long long long long#and probably no one but this one person cares#but its here for you!!!#also anon i love you and i am cradling your head in my hands#and wishing you all the luck on your writing journey
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I don't have any clear evidence, but a lot of things she says/claims just doesn't exactly work with things happening in the game.
About her writing the plot for every character, then why things went awry every time? Kaede failing to kill Rantaro? She had to intervene. Kaito not dying from his execution? Miu showing her turds to Kiibo (the audience)? Kokichi almost stopping the killing game in chapter 5? She had to intervene again. (and her defeat in the end, that was written in the plot too?) She doesn't seem to have control over what is happening
About pregame and the cast volunteering for ndrv3, I feel like the prologue and Rantaro's character contradicts that. Kaede and Shuichi recalled being kidnapped... They don't seem to be particularly excited in front of the Monokubs, the Exisals, the familiar feeling of being 16 teenagers in a school when they're supposedly hardcore dr fans who wanted to participate... Rantaro seems to have an idea of what is happening but he doesn't seem excited either. After they become their in-game selves or whatever, Rantaro is talking about an Ultimate Hunt.
You also talked about the Cospox and Tsumugi disguising as Kaede earlier.
For Kaede's twin, I wonder why Kaede never talked about it (we were in her head for one chapter.)
Nothing that proves it's actual lies, but enough to say its contradictory and to take things with a grain of salt.
Those are some really good points!
Script Failure:
I do think there was like... an outline of things that were supposed to happen and that Tsumugi had a little sway over things like with the flashback lights or that weird moment w/ Shuichi looking at Monokuma and suddenly wanting to go in search of a "Man's Fantasy." Yet like you said it seems she can't fully control them like clockwork, given that Kaede did try to kill Rantaro but couldn't manage to stick the landing. There's also the fact that Tsumugi herself admits Kiibo went berserk/offscript during CH6 and not only was the audience was mad at her but that the staff had to fix it. Doesn't sound like total control to me.
Something I think lends to that idea is that during the final trial Tsumugi says:
Which I believe means she can sort of suggest things to them and make them more inclined to do things, but she can't actually force them to do what she wants. It's an autosuggestion not autocommand. Shuichi still has the option of choosing to say No to the Man's Fantasy. If she could completely control Shuichi I don't think he would have a choice at all, but that could be explained by player input so that's not the best evidence in the world. Plus, this is from Tsumugi's lying self as well, so I can't say for certain, but it would neatly explain why the ideas of Tsumugi's script being real and the cast having free will, or at least a little bit of it, can coexist.
A better example would be how Kiibo, who by all means should have been under her complete control, was able to resist the will of the audience and reject the hope ending because he was sad thinking of his friends getting hurt. He might've fallen for the suggestion initially, but he managed to resist it later, so I just can't believe that she had 100% control over anyone if she can't even control her own surrogate robot.
As an aside:
Something I wonder about in relation to Tsumugi's control is Angie's weird hugs that convert non-believers and the Love Hotels (plus how Kokichi manages to come to his senses/might have been aware from the start.) If anyone has any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them.
Pregame didn't Volunteer:
That makes sense, but then I wonder how she got footage of them auditioning and being happy about getting selected...
I know there's a theory of Tsumugi herself cosplaying as them, but cosplaying all sixteen of them at the same time to get the selection reveal footage is a lot even for me to swallow, even from an Ultimate Cosplayer. Plus, that would contradict the scene with Tsumugi's cospox, so you'd have to explain that away as well.
But this is certainly something to think about and play around with, even if there isn't much to substantiate/confirm it.
Cospox:
Okay, so this kind of off topic, but the cospox could lend to the fact that they're in a simulation.
Think about it: who the fuck turns all pink when cosplaying as a real person? Even if she had an allergy to the fabric of Kaede's clothes or she has a skin sensitivity issue, nobody on earth turns pink, and not that quickly either. Plus the fact that Maki is super strong without looking like it, or the Danganronpa brand pink blood we see all the time, or that Virus Tsumugi claims to have given Kaito herself, or the program in Chapter 4 directly naming the simulation in SDR2, or the way that walls and statues move in V3, and not to mention the whole "fictional world vs real world" business...
All of these would make sense if Tsumugi had trapped the V3 cast in a sort of Neo World Program and could change their avatar settings along with the building settings like Miu did in Chapter 4.
This could all just be explained by typical Anime/Danganronpa bullshit, but I'm not satisfied with calling it quits there :P
Let me have fun dammit!!
Kaede's Twin:
It is really odd, especially when Korekiyo brings up his own sister to her but Kaede doesn't have a single thought about her own sister, even if they're estranged.
Odds are that Tsumugi was just trying to lie to put off her own reveal and that there is no twin sister at all.
The idea of Kaede having a twin is fun to fuck around with though, even if it's just a lie made up by Tsumugi.
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Writer questionnaire
tagged by: @eluari
Short stories, novels, or poems?
.Short stories and Novels are my game. Short stories tend to be my go-to for when I’ve had an idea, but occasionally there will be things that get to be longer.
What genre do you prefer reading?
Fantasy
What genre do you prefer writing?
Still fantasy
Are you a planner or a write-as-I-go kind of person?
sort of a mix?
My ‘plans’ tend to go out the window....really easily so I don't’ usually invest a lot of time and energy into writing an overall outline. Sometimes I’ll write out a list of things that need to happen in a chapter but that’s just as likely to go unused as it is to be helpful.
My writing process is generally that I get more detailed with each draft, and my first draft tends to be a really long narrative style outline that tends to top out at about 15k words. Then the second draft is about refining and adjusting the story in the broad strokes, then the rest of the drafts get down to finer details. Unless there’s a big change that needs to happen.
I never know what the story will turn into when I start writing.
What music do you listen to while writing?
Whatever I’ve got on really.
A lot of the time I’ll make playlists for characters/projects but if I’m having a hard time focusing I’ll go for something quiet without lyrics.
and if I can, I like to have a person to write with and then I generally don’t play music.
Fave books/movies/tv shows?
so many. I’ve been on a Middle Earth kick the past couple of days though.
Any current WIPs?
I’m working on getting Ascendant published at the moment, which is taking up the majority of my time and brain, but I’ve also got some other things waiting in the wings.
Namely, Ascendant’s sequel, Remnant, Starship Woodsong, my sci-fi fantasy mashup universe, and I’ve been playing around with the development of a new book that I’m super hyped to get started on. Its gonna be a while though since it doesn’t even have a title yet, right now all its going by is the dragon project.
If someone were to make a cartoon out of you, what would your standard outfit be?
black pants and a sweater. I hate wearing colored pants for some reason and I’m always cold.
Do you like incorporating people you actually know into your writing?
nah
Are you kill-happy with characters?
look, I never set out trying to kill characters but the body count in the Ascendant universe is....high. I hate to kill people and I really, really want to spare as many as possible but a lot of the time I’m just typing away and then suddenly someone is dead and I don’t know what happened but usually, it turns out to be a good choice and so I can’t bring them back.
Coffee or tea while writing?
neither, they always end up going cold. I just get a glass of water
Slow or fast writer?
I’m not really sure, I’m not super slow but I’m no speed demon either. I’m really lucky in that my arbitrarily decided minimum time/word count actually match up. It generally takes me about 30 minutes to type 500 words and I’m happy with that.
Where/who/what do you find inspiration from?
lots of places, I really like to analyze stories and look at the places where things might be different. I love to work in a strict framework and then find a way to weave things into what I want. Tropes make for really fun guidelines to either stick to, combine, or subvert.
Most fave book cliche? Least fave book cliche?
I’m not sure about favorite cliche, I’m fond of a ton of them, but my least favorite cliche is definitely the whole “platonic-to-romantic relationship thing” I don’t mind relationships changing on principal, but they always seem to involve some variation of the line “something something but we could be more” and I’ve got a Thing about people thinking that romantic relationships are better than platonic ones. I love me some solid friends that are happy to remain friends.
Fave scenes to write?
I’m a big fan of angst, but I love writing fluffy scenes too.
Most productive time of day for writing?
I’ve been a morning person all my life but for some reason writing in the morning just doesn’t work for me. My standard writing time is 7pm every night and on a good night, I can get 2k words down.
Reason for writing?
It feels right. I’ve been a very imaginative person all my life, my mom used to be able to tell who’d come up with a game between my sister and I based on how far it was from reality. I’ve got so many ideas and thoughts and writing them is the best way to get them out.
I think this is the last one of these I’m gonna do for a bit so I’ll go ahead and tag @ragethewriter @wingedcatwblr aaaannnd @kainablue
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Content for Portfolio Website
Written Content for my Portfolio website.
Home Page
I am an Illustrator!
Hello, and welcome to my Portfolio Website
Check out some of my work here:
Links to My portfolio page
My PortfolioSection 1: Where I study and what I am doing
Hello, my names Anna Letterman and I study IXD at Ulster University (Belfast). I have been working on many different projects in Art collage, creating wireframes and prototypes, designing icons and illustrations. I hope you enjoy the Case Studies I have been working on as much as I enjoyed creating them.
Section 2: Personal Branding
Section 3- My Infographic on 9/11
Section 4-My Travel Application
Section 5- Illustrations for fun
Case Study 1: Personal Branding
This is the first Project that I worked on, I created many monogram and visual marque sketches perfecting each one as I went along to find the perfect fit for my brand, as well as creating a Monogram and Visual Marque for my brand I also worked on creating a set of Brand Guidelines that will allow people to use it efficiently .
Check out my blog process and Digital research
Brief
On of the first tasks I was given in IXD103, was to create my own Personal branding that fits my personality and what I like as a designer. I completed this task by creating a Monogram made up of my initials, a wordmark that can fit together with my monogram following a single line theme and a set of Brand Guidelines showing how not to use the branding I created and how to use it. I created my own branding so my work and future designs can be identified as my own. I first began by conducting research on who I am as a person, am I bright and bubbly or and am I dark and plain, gaining an understanding of the individual I am helped me create a brand that fitted me perfectly. I will now show you how I began my designs:
Monogram
To start of the design of my monogram, I looked at many different styles of monograms created by designers, I carried this out by looking at many different books and carrying out online research. I then thought of the perfect monogram Idea for me was to combine the A and L of my initials together so that it is one long line. It took many attempt to find the structure of the A and L, until I thought of using a circle as an outline so the a and l was even in the middle and followed a nice circle structure. After I had the Basic structure of how wanted the monogram to look I then started to think about which colour I wanted my monogram outline to be, whether I want it with a noticeable circle outline around it, whether I wanted the circle to be filled with colour. I explored this using many different fill colours and outlining colours, although the best I feel worked for me was pink as it is a bright and happy colour.
Visual Marque
Through the ue of many sketches and research I had to start thinking of a suitable Monogram that will fit with my monogram colours and theme. The first Idea I had that really stood out to me was using a line drawing for my visual mark, I used many books to gain ideas of other designers that have created visual Marques using the one line theme I was going for, I also enjoy drawing so I created many line drawing sketches to find which is perfect for my brand. I came to the conclusion that I would use a dove as my visual marque, as they are very graceful and beautiful animals reflecting peacefulness and good vibes, exactly what I want my brand to represent. When I decided the structure of my visual marque I then concluded research on the the City of Melbourne and why they used specific colours, and known colour combinations. I then decided I would use blue as the fill for the the visual marque as its a dove, I felt blue would fit the theme of peace, also I love the colour blue so a win win.
Word Mark
After creating my Visual mark and Monogram I began to look at which typeface would match my brand. By doing this I found out which typefaces would match my brand and which type faces wouldn't. I learnt that for me brand I needed a plain and simple text maybe following a one line theme like my monogram and visual mark. I found that the font style arial, was a good font for my brand as it is plain and basic, which doesn't take attention of the design of my monogram and visual mark.
Brand Guidelines for Brand
When creating a Brand identify it is very important to consider how other users can portray your brand in future references. It basically is an outline of the DOS and DON'TS of the Monogram, Visual mark and word mark and to show ways They can be used together. This set of guidelines focuses on colour, layout, consistency throughout, type and positioning,
Check out my brand guidelines here
Case study 2- My Infographic on 9/11
This is an illustrative Infographic that I created showing the drastic affects of one of the most traumatic terrorist attacks and how America kept going after the disaster.
Brief
One of my tasks for module IXD103. Was to create my own infographic on any topic that we find interesting or that we might want to highlight to others. When carrying out my research I noticed that not many people have created infographics to show particular wars and attacks and the affects it had on the world after, I wanted to focus my thoughts into one major terrorist attack that everyone in the world will always remember. When writing down my ideas and ways information can be laid out I started to become very interested in the 9/11 attacks and the drastic affects that it had on over 3,000 lives and families. I felt like there is enough factual information and remembrance to create an infographic on it and not many people have. Not only did I want to focus on the drastic affects it had on the America, but I wanted to make a positive note on how America overcame one of the worlds worst terrorist attacks, and the ways that we remember the fallen.
Gaining the Knowledge
I felt that if I was to design this infographic correctly I would have to have to do a lot of research into the affects of the blast, I read a number of books on the blast and concluded a lot of online research gaining real facts and figures. I found out many tramatising facts that I could not believe about the terrorist attack, I felt that these facts should be shared with the world and an easy way to read them was to make them noticeable to the readers of the infographic was to place them around an illustration of the Twin Towers building before this attack.
Illustrations
I made multiple illustrations for this infographic starting with the Twin tower buildings before the attack, as you scroll down the infographic the 3 planes can then be seen crashing into the sides of the building, as the infographic moves down you can see the blaze of the fire that contributed to the thousands of deaths, this makes the facts more real when reading them placed around the building as it starts to burn. As you go down the infographic It then becomes brighter and happier showing an illustration of Americas New World Trade building and the positive facts that the 9/11 brought them. The last main illustration I created is the 9/11 memorial garden, and some of the ways America honors the fallen still to this year and many more.
Gaining Quotes
I included real quotes in my infographic by researching the web, I found many quotes by famous actors, presidents, the queen and from the families and loved ones of the fallen. I feel by including these in my inforgraphic the information is going to hit the reader of the infographic harder, it will show that the 9/11 wasn't just thought about in America, but those around the world felt the families pain, even people with high reputation and standard shed a tear for the fallen.
Case study 3-My Travel application
This is mobile app that I created to help people visiting Belfast to find food places that meet their dietary needs in the City Centre of Belfast.
Check out my research on my blog
Brief
For one of my projects for IXD104 I was assigned to make an app based around any sort of travel, that will be helpful to many users. The app that I decided to create was to be a quick and simple working app that will allow people that require certain dietary needs to find local cafe's and restaurants in Belfast's City Centre. I chose to base my app around Belfast because it is the place I know most about. After many critiques the original design process I was going to follow for this application changed as I included research on what makes a good Mobile App. I have illustrated many different restaurants and cafes that feature different dietary needs foods, I designed these for my app using the software Adobe XD. This application may be full of your favourite food places.
Sketches
my task was to design an illustrative Mobile app that features the topic of travel. I had to produce 3 digital screens based on my digital and paper wireframes that I created using Adobe XD. I made many different spider diagrams outlining different ideas I had for my Travel app, but the one that stuck out to me was the dietary needs application as many of my friends are vegetarian and vegan, we struggle to find top rated food places that specify both vegan and meat foods, if this app would solve my struggle, I feel as though it would definitely be useful for people of all ages that are new to Belfast. I sketched out many icon and illustration ideas for each section of dietary needs that I would like to conclude, I used books and the web to find out which dietary needs are most common and where in Belfast offers foods for each need.
Illustrations
I created many illustrations for each section of my application, featuring places that do vegan food, vegetarian food, sea food, take away food, gluten free food, healthy food, Chinese food and an "im easy" section for those who are not picky but would like to see high rated restaurants and cafes. I also created icons for each of these foods to allow the user of the application to interact with the application and select which needs suit them. For the opening page of this Application I also created an illustration of Belfast castle saying "Hey there welcome to Belfast". When creating the icons and illustration I was constantly thinking of the consistency of each making the outlines the same width and and keeping the icons the same size size.
Colour and Prototype
I thought about how the user will interact with the application and how they will know which page they are on even by the colour. I started thinking of which colours users would associate with each dietary need. Once the user clicks their dietary need the arrow at the bottom of the screen will change colour depending on which need was selected, showing the user that this is the option they are about to view. To show how this application is interactive with the user I developed a quick prototype using Adobe XD, showing the user how to navigate from each page.
Contact Me page
I am a developing Interaction Design student, would you like to come with me on my journey through the art of Design and Illustration? If so send me an email using the link below or check out my C.V..
link to my email
My C.V.
Download my C.V. as a PDF document
Blog page
Hi there, feel free to take a look at my blog.. it shows my thought processes and more research into my case studies. I also post what I cover in my lectures each day I am in class and the designers I find inspirational to me.
Link to my blog here
About me page
Hi, my name is Anna Letman, an illustrator based in Belfast looking for awesome placement opportunities I would love to get involved in.
So who exactly am I?
I am an illustrative designer based and born in Belfast, in Northern Ireland. I am constantly learning about Design and how to become the best I can be by studying Interaction Design (IXD), at the Belfast School of Art and Design.
Before I began my journey as an illustrator, I studied Art and Design at Belfast Model School for Girls. I walked out with an A in my A level but no hope as to where I wanted to be! I then applied to do interaction design and just like that I felt like I had found my place to be! I find the UX design process to be fascinating and intriguing, my favored part of my course is working out the problem and finding a solution that meets the needs of the user/client. I am passionate about finding different ways the user can react with a design.
Whether its drawing, designing, photography or dance- I am always known to be a positive happy person defeating every obstacle in my way to make people feel happy and better about the world around them.
I am currently looking for placement so if you would like to continue my journey through the world of design with me please contact me;
link to email
Also, see more on my social media!!
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“The Novel”
I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.
I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.
.
.
.
Here is "The Novel".
---
A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.
A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.
When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.
When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....
You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.
I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.
I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.
There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?
^ That image was me in high school.
I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.
And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.
I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.
The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.
That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.
The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.
Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.
I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.
Then I finally went to college.
I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.
But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.
Neither of my roommates liked it.
Neither of my roommates liked me.
I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.
Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.
Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.
I felt so....little and insecure.
I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.
Do you know how bad that feels inside?
Pretty damn bad.
One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.
It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.
After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.
And something clicked in my head.
- What if this girl was 'the one'?
- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?
- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?
That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.
(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)
I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.
I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.
-learn-
-learn-
-learn-
Then we broke up after 9 months.
We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?
Wrong.
-sulk-
-lonely-
-stressed-
-imbalanced-
And...
-addicted-
I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.
I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.
I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.
Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.
I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.
Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.
I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.
I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.
I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.
She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.
As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.
I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.
I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.
There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.
Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.
The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.
It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....
.
.
I've been single since then.
It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.
But I miss the cuddles.
I miss the touching.
I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.
I miss...alot of things.
I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me.
One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party.
Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.
My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).
But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.
I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.
I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.
We stopped talking after that.
I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.
I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.
I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.
I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.
That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.
That's how long I have been lonely.
That's how long it has been since I went on a date.
That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.
Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.
I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).
They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.
I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.
One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.
One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.
One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.
Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.
I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.
I don't have any friends to go places with.
I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).
Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.
How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?
How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?
A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.
A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.
When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.
When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..
You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.
Sometimes I wish I was Ace.
Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.
Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.
Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?
Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?
Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?
Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.
We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?
The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....
These are the questions that keep me awake at night.
These are the questions that feed my depression.
These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.
These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.
Because a hug means you love and care about me.
And I need that reassurance.
But it feels good on the inside, too.
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can you do a blurb where you have begun dating Niall you volunteered to babysit freddie and everything is fine with you and freddie at first but its all gone crazy after a while and your freaking out cause you don't want louis or even niall to think you screwed up?? All these baby blurbs i NEED one where you are babysitting freddie for the first time pleaseeeee???? I love your writing!!!
Could you do a blurb about you and Niall being really close friends and he is babysitting either Freddie or Liam’s baby and asks you to keep him company and watch the kids with him and then he sees you interacting with the kids and realizes he is in love with you?
A/N: This isn’t edited - at all. I got these two requests and sort of combined them. Ended up being kind of a friends to lovers. But all fluff. Fluffiest fluff. Enjoy!!!
Babysitter’s Club
The wailing starts back up the minute you sit down on the couch. Freddie’s baby monitor lights up, and you pull yourself up to check the small, black and white screen. Louis had warned you that he was teething, and you’d assured him you could handle it. Niall seemed a little more reluctant to believe the brave face you were putting on, but that still didn’t stop him from hopping in the front seat of Louis’ Range Rover to head out to some charity luncheon. If you and Niall hadn’t been such close friends for so long, you probably would’ve been better at pretending to know what to do with a baby. If you hadn’t been in love with Niall for so long, you probably wouldn’t have agreed to help him out by babysitting for his mate’s one year old either. But, alas, here you are. And you are in way over your head.
You collect some of the supplies Louis had set out for you and trundle back up the stairs to the nursery. According to the schedule Louis has typed out for when Freddie is at his house, he should be taking at least a 2 hour nap right now. You don’t know a lot about babies, but you do know that if they’re sleep schedule gets screwed up, their whole night is going to be a disaster. You tiptoe into the nursery and find Freddie with his fat little hands gripping onto the side of the crib. His cheeks are wet from the crocodile tears spilling from his bright blue eyes. You’ve measured out the exact amount of infant tylenol into a dropper, and have a warm sippy cup of milk on stand by. You scoop him out of his crib and settle into the plush glider in the corner of the serene room. Freddie squirms a bit, still a little unsure of you, but happy to be in someone’s arms nonetheless. “I know, I know. Babies can smell fear. Your Uncle Niall told me.” Freddie blinks up at you and kicks his chubby legs out. You dribble the tylenol into his mouth, thanking God and whoever else is listening that he takes it without a fuss. Curling your legs underneath your bum, you pull a small blanket from the basket next to the chair and get settled in with Freddie snuggled in your arms. He’s happily sucking on the sippy cup and your stress level is rapidly going down with the soft suckles and coos coming from this precious baby.
It feels too quiet in the room, just sitting and not speaking. You don’t think you can coordinate holding a storybook, and according to Niall, your singing voice is “shite”. So instead you start having a one-sided conversation about your favorite subject - Niall. “Well Fred, can I call you Fred? You don’t care…..anyway. What am I supposed to do about that stupid boy? We’ve been friends for years - since his first trip out to LA. You weren’t even a thought then. Your dad was still wearing cropped pants and suspenders. One day you’ll have to make fun of him for that.” Freddie coos and gives you a grin, showing off his tiny pearly white teeth. His eyes are beginning to droop though, so you continue. “I just feel silly, pining after him. I need to get my head out of my ass - oops, um bum, and get over him. He obviously doesn’t feel the same way. And I can’t just tell him. He’ll freak out and I’ll never see him again. How do you even start that conversation, Fred? Oh by the way Niall, when we went pillow shopping at Crate & Barrel I almost had a panic attack imaging myself sleeping next to you in bed?” You groan and snuggle the nearly-sleeping baby closer to your chest. Rubbing your cheek against the downy hair on his head you sigh. “I just don’t want to spend forever being the sad girl in the background.”
Freddie has drifted off, his tiny lips puffing out even breaths while he nuzzles into your soft t-shirt. You’re too afraid to move him, lest you wake him up. Instead you tuck him carefully into the blanket and nestle him between your body and the side of the chair so he won’t slip. You prop your feet up on the ottoman and close your eyes.
You think you can hear faint whispering, and it starts to pull you out of your impromptu nap. But it’s all heavy and hazy.
“Shhh, wait I wanna get a picture first.”
“You gonna tell her about what we heard?”
“How m’I supposed to bring that up Tommo? Hey, bet ya didn’t know Louis has a fancy baby monitor that records to his cell phone? We were spyin’ on ya and I heard ya love me?”
“Better than ignoring it like ya have been for the past three years, Neil.”
“Fuck off, Lewis.”
You stir and your eyes pop open the instant you feel the tiny bundle next to you move. “Shh, s’ok love I got him.” Louis whispers and scoops Freddie up to place him gently in his crib. Niall’s standing a few feet away with his hands shoved in his pockets, gazing at you with an almost unreadable expression.
“Hey.” Your voice croaks and you pull yourself out of the chair. Niall smiles fondly at you, smoothing down your mess of hair that sticking out of your bun from being smashed into the chair. The three of you creep back downstairs and you grab your bag and your bottle of water. You give Louis the rundown on the sippy cup and the tylenol, and he makes a note in his phone so he can time the next dosage properly. He hugs you goodbye and thanks you for coming by on such short notice. You tell him honestly, “It was kind of terrifying but great all at once.” He just chuckles and tells you, “That’s called parenting, love.”
You and Niall climb into his sleek, white Jaguar and head back to his house. Whenever he’s in town he insists that you stay at his to keep him company, much to the chagrin of your roommate. You have to admit, his house is definitely an upgrade from your apartment so you don’t argue with him. He’s being uncharacteristically quiet during the short drive back to the house, and you question him on it. “You ok, Niall?”
His head swivels towards you and he looks a little like a deer in headlights. “Wha? Yeah fine. Just working on something in me head.” You eye him carefully, but he’s not giving up any more information, so you let it drop. He stays quiet during dinner, and barely makes a sound of argument when you beg off to bed early. You toss and turn for hours. Something is off but you can’t quite put your finger on it. This isn’t the first time Niall has pulled in on himself, he’s been working a ton and he’s under a lot of stress. You can hear soft guitar strumming wafting in through the open window in your room. Your phone screen says it’s nearly 2am, the numbers shine brightly over your homescreen - a picture from Niall’s birthday where he’s got you tucked under his arm with his nose pressed into your hair while you pull a face at the camera. Pulling an old blanket from the end of your bed, you wrap it around your shoulders and creep downstairs to find Niall.
The house itself is quiet and dark - Niall had tidied up after dinner. But the large french doors at the back of the kitchen are open and you can see the outline of him in the oversized adirondack chairs by the pool. The moon is high and the yard is bathed in cool silver light. He hears you shuffle out across the flagstone patio and turns his head to watch as you fold yourself neatly into the chair next to him. You pull the blanket around you tighter, it’s chilly for LA and you’re only wearing shorts and a thin tank. Niall stops his playing and rests the guitar gently on the table next to him. “C’mere sit with me. You’re freezing.” He holds out his hand to you and you take it, climbing carefully into his lap and tucking your face into his shoulder. He smells like fresh laundry and worn cologne and it smells like home.
He’s rubbing your arm slowly and you can tell he’s got something on his mind. “Spit it out.” He sighs and pulls you in closer.
“You’re not the sad girl in the background. Not to me”
His words hang in the air and your chest tightens as you recognize the exact phrase you spoke to Freddie earlier. “How did…what?” Your voice is barely a whisper and you don’t dare look into his face. You can’t bear it at the moment.
Niall swallows heavily, shifting nervously underneath you. “We weren’t spyin’ on ya I swear. But the monitor in the baby’s room….it sends alerts to Tommo’s phone when it’s picking up noises. We heard everything.”
The only sound you can hear is your heart pounding in your ears. You feel too hot and too cold all at once, your skin prickling with adrenaline. Your flight or fight response is starting to kick in and you gracelessly try to untangle yourself from Niall’s embrace and flee back to your room. As if he can read your thoughts, he grips around your waist tighter and frantically tries to hold you in place. “No no no no darlin’ please! You don’t understand!” Your eyes are wide as saucers and your pulling back, trying desperately to understand the pleading look on Niall’s face. His lips purse into a thin line and suddenly he lunges towards you, sliding his mouth over yours. You freeze, your eyes still open, your hands splayed out at your sides. Niall slides his huge hands up your back, cupping the back of your head. He pulls you in gently and your eyes slide shut. Your hands fist themselves into his shirt and you melt into his embrace. As soon as you relax into him, the intensity of the kiss softens. Niall pulls back to catch his breath, and runs his thumb over your swollen lips. You’re breaths are coming in shallow pants, and every cell in your body is buzzing. Niall swallows and his eyes search your face. “Been wantin’ to do that for a long time.” His voice cracks slightly with the emotion of his words. You tip your forehead down to meet his, and press a chaste kiss to his pink lips. “I’ve been wanting you to do that for a long time, Niall.”
He smiles and pulls you closer, wrapping the blanket around both of your bodies. You nuzzle into his neck, pecking tiny kisses to each freckle that’s dotting the pale skin. His fingers lace together with yours and he brings your hand up to his mouth to kiss your palm. “Things are gonna be different between us, yeah?” You tip your head back to peer up at him and smile.
“No. Things are going to be better.” He smiles down at you, his chest swelling at your words. You tip your chin up and press another kiss to him lips, your heart bursting with relief and happiness.
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