#so far (I'm at the literal start of ch3) I'm getting the impression Leif's memory is still coming back in bits and pieces

[aquilamage]

Despite the late hour, Leif couldn’t sleep. And it wasn’t just the uncomfortable bed, although that exacerbated it. The real discomfort was mental: churning of the guts, restless unease under the surface, mind full with the sensation of racing thought without actual thoughts behind it. Leif wasn’t even sure what was wrong, only knowing that these feelings had sprouted up shortly after the three of them checked into the inn for the night.

That, and the specific nagging feeling of something associated with still-forgotten memories. Leif knew that, like a healing wound, it would go better if not picked at. But like the metaphorical wound, the thought prickled too much to ignore. It was right there, just within grasp, with a tiny bit more effort-

Leif sat up abruptly, and, having apparently been to one side of the bed, fell to the floor.

A mumbling from Kabbu’s side, then, ever-so-slightly panicked, “Vi? Leif?”

“We are fine.” But between having fallen to the side where he could see and punctuating the reply with tripping over the tangle of blanket, Leif couldn’t stop him from getting out of bed to help.

“Are you sure? Did something happen?” As he got Leif back up, his gaze swept the room.

“No. It was only…” Leif grabbed one arm at the sting of a little more memory sliding back in, although not enough to answer the questions it raised.

“What are you two doing?” Upon laying down, Vi had practically cocooned herself in a blanket, her antennae the only thing sticking out. That was still the case, although she’d adjusted so her face was barely visible in the shadows of the fabric. It was kind of adorable, and were it not for all the mind-occupying things already going on, Leif would have teased her about it. “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

Had it only been her, it would have been easy to dismiss the whole thing, tell her to just go back to sleep, but Kabbu was giving that kicked-aphid look of concern that made it so hard to be mean to him. “We had...a small realization. We don’t know what it means, but it probably isn’t important.” Leif would be up for the rest of the night thinking about it, but that wasn’t anyone else’s business.

“Well, I’ve found talking things out can often be very helpful.”

Vi groaned, flopping back onto her bed. “If I’m tired in the morning you have to carry me,” she murmured, but wiggled around so she was facing the two of them.

Again, it could have been so easy to use her comment as an excuse, a deflection. But now that the invitation was out there, Leif couldn't help but start attempting to explain. “It’s about when we checked in.”

Kabbu tilted his head. “What about it?”

“We- when we paid the innkeeper, she said ‘have a good night, sir.’” Leif paused. “And it...bothered us.”

“Was there something about the way she said it, or something she did as she spoke?” He started to get up off the side of the bed where he’d been sitting. “I thought she’d been noting but polite, but I was tired and-”

“No. She was fine. It was the ‘sir’ part.” Leif looked down, hands twisting the blanket. “It...took us off-guard, somehow. Which didn’t make sense, of course, so we ignored it. But then we couldn’t stop feeling uncomfortable with ourself, in ourself. We didn’t connect the two until we remembered.” The words came out fast, then. “It’s still vague, but this has happened to us before. Being addressed in such ways and getting disoriented, angry, sometimes. Vividly so. But then also other times it has not bothered us at all, even made us happy.”

“You woke us up for that?”

“Vi! We’re trying to be supportive here!”

She groaned. “Yeah, but that’s like saying the sun hurts your eyes if you have to look at it. It sucks, but it happens to everyone.”

Kabbu got half a syllable out before he stopped, turned to face her, and stared at her long enough that Leif looked up and exchanged a ‘what the heck’ glance with her. “I…” He looked between the two of them. “I’m not sure that’s accurate. I’ve never felt that way.”

“Yeah, but you’re...you.”

There was some, odd, reassurance to Vi’s assertion, although even with only fuzzy memory, Leif was certain Kabbu was the factually correct one. “That...isn’t everything, either. We also recalled occasionally being referred to in feminine terms, with a similar range from discomfort...to joy. And they weren’t exclusive. Sometimes we felt like both genders at once, or neither.”

“Okay, that part’s w-”

Kabbu gave her a look.

“...different.”

He didn’t say anything, patiently waiting to see if Leif had something else to say.

“We feel as if there might be something else, an explanation we used to have or...we don’t know. That’s all we can recall, now.”

“That’s alright. Thank you for telling us what you do.” Kabbu shifted so he was fully facing Leif. “I don’t have an explanation either, but we’ll help you figure it out. Is there anything we can do to help right now? Should we change how we refer to you?”

“Leif is always good.” If there was one certain thing, now and in memory, it was that name being safe, being comfortable no matter what. “For everything else, it won’t always be the same.”

“Hm. Would you prefer us to ask what to call you, or should we leave it to you to tell us?”

It was weird, in a dizzying sort of way, how easily accepting Kabbu was being. Not unwelcome. Not entirely unfamiliar, although that was the barest wisp of an impression. “We’ll tell you, but we don’t mind you checking every once in a while, as long as there aren’t any other bugs around.” It would still get noticed eventually, in particular with bugs they ran into frequently, but Leif wanted to limit the number of times this conversation might have to happen with a random bug.

“Alright!”

“Yeah, okay,” Vi mumbled, voice heavy with sleep. “I’ll call you whatever, it doesn’t matter.”

Another prickle of emotion, which Leif kept internal. “Thank you.” Voice rougher than expected, Leif kept the rest short. “That’s all for now. We’d just like to go to sleep.”

Kabbu nodded. He started to reach out, stopped, and stood up instead. “If you want to talk about this again, for any reason, let us know. Good night.”

“Night.”

It took a while to fall asleep, thoughts still eddying, but Leif got there eventually, a bit more comfortable, more secure than before.

#me: *slaps roof of Leif* this bad boy can fit so much fucking gender in her #I love this game and am continuing to have Thoughts and I'm making that everyone else's problem #yeah anyway I conjured this from my brain late last night and this morning hope someone at least finds it interesting #leif bug fables #bug fables #an aquila original #fanfiction #my writing #so far (I'm at the literal start of ch3) I'm getting the impression Leif's memory is still coming back in bits and pieces #so that's what I went for here. #also btw Vi's deal is a pinch of 'not like other girls' #a few dashes of her insecurities abt not being taken seriously because she's young/a bee leaking into certain contexts of gendered referrals #and a heaping handful of lesbian gender discontent