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outofthewoods · 7 years

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REPUTATION - ALBUM REVIEW

alright girlies here it is my first impressions (whatever I wrote down after the SS plus a few notes I made when it dropped) I AM LITERALLY....QUITE LITERALLY SHAKING....MY WIG: IS ON MARS

READY FOR IT: At first I was kind of like…. :/ about this song but it’s actually a really good opener and a banger. Not sure I would’ve picked it as the second single but it goes all the way off. The bass has me shook Line: “he can be jailor burton to this taylor”

END GAME Very…..the weeknd vibes right ladies ?????????? this is like…..taylor’s Instagram baddie moment It is still SO WEIRD To me to hear rapping and Taylor swift in one song. Even tho we have the bad blood remix Im still….shook by Future and Taylor together ??????????? I really like this, it’s not one of my top 5 I don’t think but it’s so different from what I would've thought of for another ed/taylor collab Ed is giving me some don’t vibes..i’m into it…ed talking about the fourth of July is really iconic. Taylor telling the story of how this came about was really iconic too…I can literally picture her and ed getting drunk and being like HOWWWW COOL WOULD IT BE TO COLLAB WITH FUTURE????? LOL and then it actually happening I love her like. talk/shout/singing when she says “big reputation…” Line: “I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me” Her runs in the last chorus THANK GOD…..I NEEDED THESE VOCALS…..

I DID SOMETHING BAD THIS SONG HAD ME FUCKING QUAKING IN THE SESSION…… “If a man talks shit then I owe him nothing” THE CHORUS BANGS…..IM LITERALLY……MOUTH OPEN SHOCKED I CANT BELIEVE THIS….THE M.I.A. PAPER PLANES MACHINE GUN SOUNDS…. This is so……blank space but……..fucking darker you SINNERS “If he drops my name I owe him nothing, if he spends my change then he had it coming…” The chorus is here again Im bopping so fucking HARD WOWWWWWWWWWWWWW I’M……….CRYING AT THE VOCALIZATIONS OF THE HOOK. I’m pretty sure she said this came to her the same way she came up with “STAY!” in AYHTDWS The bridge ladies LIGHT ME UP!!! GO AHEAD AND LIGHT ME UP YOU FUCKING HEATHENS!!!! THIS SONG MAKES THE WHOLE ALBUM WORTHY OF A GRAMMY Im literally shaking like my skin is quivering….that 2000’s fade out……Please kill me

DON’T BLAME ME This is the hozier…take me to church….taylor swift version The chords are her vocals and that. Is revolutionary, Einstein found dead in Miami Line: “I would fall from grace just to touch your face, if you walk away I’d beg you on my knees to stay” The like…..wopping of the chorus is really just…..gold Her falsetto at the end of the second verse. Wig on mars This is the stoner Taylor swift song we didn't know we needed but are so thankful we have VOCALS IN THE LAST CHORUS….I NEEDED SOME RUNS AND THE PRERELEASES DIDNT GIVE THEM TO ME BECAUSE SHE WAS SAVING HER DESTRUCTION OF EVERY OTHER PERSONS VOCALS FOR THE ALBUM

DELICATE This is very Imogen heap to me…… like the layered robotic vocals. It’s very interesting…..a really good segue from DBM It’s got like a deep house….tropical feel to it that I am really enjoying girlies “my reputation’s never been worse, so he must like me for me” why does that line have me crying Taylor swift you are literally sunshine THIS IS THE CHORUS I REMEMBERED….the is it cool is it chill etc…….that’s what I thought CIWYW was after the SS for some reason ???? “do the girls back home touch you do like I do?” SECOND VERSE LYRICS Got me feeling some wildest dreams type of way she looked at me so much during this song I’m emotional, I was bopping to the chorus and she was laughing at me and winking when the beat comes in during the chorus Not a standout from the album but very cool very different good vibes man

LWYMMD Obviously a bop. I see why it’s in the middle of the album and when Taylor explained the progression of the songs this really makes a lot of sense. I’m just feeling fragile bc Taylor swift grabbed me by my cheeks, pulled me towards her, grabbed my hands, and danced with me during this song. Wow BABY I GOT MINE BUT YOU’LL ALL GET YOURS!!! We literally screamed this in each other’s faces it was so……amazing I will NEVER FORGET The video…..do we even need to remind ourselves of how fucking iconic it was When I first heard this I was so confused I had just woken up in Ireland at 6am to listen and I was like . What is this But the chorus goes all the way off tbh This is like a parallel to shake it off….the themes and messages of……being yourself and rising above what other ppl think of you…..

SO IT GOES… Ok I literally blanked this song from my memory at the session, I think bc it was right after LWYMMD and me and Taylor having our first proper moment of the night “Back against the wall….tripping when you’re gone…” This album is so bass heavy. I’m loving the studio instruments, I thought I would miss the live guitars etc but I really don’t because it doesn’t fit with the album “I’m so chill but you make me jealous” Sis we have learned from 10 years of music from you that you aren't chill al;ksdfnjksdhifbknsdfdkjf I love you mom I love the way she says so it goes! In the chorus “You know I’m not a bad girl….but I do bad things with you…” WHOMST “SCRATCHES DOWN YOUR BACK NOW…. Taylor you've done several numbers on me I stopped counting 8 years ago the whispered 1..2….3……WOW VOCALS….AGAIN……….SCRATCHES DOWN YOUR BACK NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHES REALLY WILDIN OUT HUH

GORGEOUS This is such a cute song. For me it seems like one of the ones I like less, but at the session I remember being so happy listening to it because she pointed me out and called me by name when she was passing out the new merchandise….so I was chillin Also she kept winking at me during the DINGS!

GETAWAY CAR Queen of whisper singing I wanted to leave him….I needed a reason SUDDENLY I WILL ONLY EVER DRINK OLD FASHIONEDS. IVE NEVER HEARD OF ANY OTHER DRINK Okay in my mind I was like this song is :/ but it bangs to be honest! I love the chorus Should've known Id be the first to leave….this song is full of tea ladies This song to me seems like it’s about a rebound relationship that wasn’t so serious/was just a way to release pent up emotions from something awful “X marks the spot….where we fell apart…..” the pre chorus is really out here doing that sweeties The bridge has an interesting modulation that i don't know how to feel about….this whole album is like full of surprises/polarizing musical techniques so this is cool This is Taylor Swift fleshing out a metaphor/concept masterpiece to her full ability. Queen of literature who is Shakespeare I’ve never heard of him Said goodbye….in a getaway car……. The ends of the songs are so interesting on rep…….this one goes off

KING OF MY HEART “I’m better off being alone…” Miss Taylor I’m so glad that you’ve stopped thinking this because you are really….the most WORTHY person of love in the whole wide world… This is probably my least favorite song on the album. It has some remnants of getaway car in it I feel……she’s cute but getaway car is sexy and sexy destroys cute It’s a little repetitive but I appreciate it’s placement on the album………..you move to me like a Motown beat…..alright Miss king of my heart redeeming herself My broken bones are mending……….taylor I love u………why are u drinking beer when u could be having an old fashioned tho…..beer is gross

DANCING WITH OUR HANDS TIED Thank you piano I love a live instrument The story behind this song is so heartbreaking and knowing that makes….the song so much more impactful to me “You had turned my bed into a secret oasis, people started talking putting us through our paces” here’s a big fat FUCK YOU to the daily mail Again the chorus comes in and is so….huge and sprawling compared to the rest of the song…..shaking us to our very cores! I love that you can hear the frantic/anxiety she was feeling throughout the song….like the rushed vocals and drawn out lower notes…..then the chorus just coming in with GLORY I LOVE the instrumental of the chorus so much…..it’s so beautiful and a little 1989 to me. Like very eighties synth heavy We also have some VOCALS! In the bridge and last chorus! the runs are giving me life

DRESS This song is like a …… I’m kind of drunk in the meatpacking district running from bar to bar with someone I love in the cold with big coats on….tea to me The falsetto. Queen Taylor has really been expanding her vocal register and I’m FUCKING here for it “Everybody thinks they know us” circling back to the overall theme of the album. We know what she chooses to let us know and beyond that we’re just fucking guessing sinners This song is like a …… I don't really care what they think of us I just wanna really…………see your dick and I don't care what anyone thinks of that ! THE HAIR BLEACHED LINE……SHE IS LITERALLY THE QUEEN OF SELF DRAGS I CANT SHES SO SELF AWARE ITS UNBELIEVABLE…….she’s like being humorous but also referencing a time in her life that was really shitty for her so. Queen of duplicity “I woke up just in time…” this line says so much about where she was when she started seeing Joe

THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS Oh girlies…..I have been so excited to hear this again since the session. She spilled some major fucking SCALDING tea before playing this so my ass was fully ready to be sloughed The alarms in the beginning…..a champagne sea…..my dream…… This is so fucking tongue in cheek about what everyone said about her #squad “I have to take them away” DEAD this is why she stopped having 4th of July parties klsadjidfnksdfd “Stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand….” Oh no…………WHO WOULD DO THIS TO MISS TAYLOR!!!!!!! “I took an axe to a mended fence….” The mhhhhhmmmmmm………. IF ONLY YOU WERENT SO SHADY SALKJFSDNKFJGM,DFLKNJGIDK WHY IS THIS SONG ABOUT ME SITTING ON TWITTER DRAGGING PEOPLE LEFT RIGHT AND CENTER Hard knock life………..TEA……during the fucking BANGER of a chorus….this is going to be so fun on tour…..SHE BETTER BE A SINGLE!!!!! hE sAiD shE saID!!!!! Here’s to mama…….yes miss Andrea here’s to u queen of the world THE BRIDGE…..SDFLSDMFJKNDNDSLJFKNFDJDSFNSD THIS IS WHY WE CANT HAVE!!!!! NICE!!!!! THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant even SAY IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE Heres to my REAL FRIENDS! WOW….just wow ladies this is the future liberals want

CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT In my personal onion this is the most vulnerable song on the album. The first verse really has me out here crying in the club The chorus is so cute, this is a low-key banger and I wanna see her flying across the crowd during this song on tour

NEW YEARS DAY So here it is girlies….the most hyped song on the record…… Live piano. Minimal production. The concept behind this is so adorable “Candlewax and polaroids on the hard wood floor….” the most Taylor swift thing I have ever heard This relationship really seems like its forever my dudes she’s in it for the long run. She has never been so confident in a relationship that she’s CURRENTLY IN. She’s opening up DURING a relationship which is like……basically unheard of for her I love how subtle this is….the harmonies on the second chorus….crying in the club again “Hold on to the memories they will hold onto you…..” she said she's had that line ready to go for a while but couldn't find a place for it and here it is being adorable and wonderful also the line “Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I can recognize anywhere” Can I just speak on that line again….it is so beautiful and simple and shows how much she’s been through and the pain she has dealt with….and the sadness she KNOWS………..but she’s okay enough to talk about it. Im crying in the club 3.0

INITIAL RANKING: I Did Something Bad Don’t Blame Me Call It What You Want Dress Delicate Dancing With Our Hands Tied This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things Look What You Made Me Do Getaway Car …Ready For It? End Game New Year’s Day Gorgeous So It Goes King of my Heart

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nico-nightingale · 4 years

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Summary: Following an accident that involved her beloved younger sister, the crown princess of Arendelle grew to believe she was born cursed. At her eleventh birthday, however, she receives the visit of a man in strange robes, who invites her to study at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This story follows Elsa’s life in Hogwarts as she discovers that magic is no curse and starts learning how to love herself.

Characters: Elsa of Arendelle, Nymphadora Tonks, Arcadia Green (OC), Adam Howard (OC)

Rating: T (ages 13 and up)

Also found on: ff.net, ao3, wattpad

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. Frozen belongs to Disney. The cover photo belongs to nico benedickt and the font belongs to naharstd.

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Chapter IV: Screaming Complexion

In the end, a big part of the Herbology lesson was introductory as Professor Sprout introduced herself and the course. They only started studying the actual subject about one hour into class beginning, which Elsa realized she actually enjoyed as long as she remembered that the teacher would be able to heal any plants she accidentally hurt.

Finally, when they heard a bell ring announcing the end of the class, Elsa was so absorbed taking notes that Tonks had to poke her in order to call her attention, which made the princess' gloves turn suddenly rigid while it contained the ice she conjured. “You want to head out with us? I've heard it's kind of easy to get lost in the castle, so it would be nice to have an extra pair of eyes,” the pink-haired girl suggested after quickly retreating her hand, once again showing her empathy.

For a reason she couldn't grasp, Elsa trusted the pink-haired girl and felt safe in her company. It was unreasonable since she didn't change how dangerous her powers were or how painful it would be to be separated from or rejected by the others once her magic was discovered or she was withdrawn from the school. Still, emotions—and the fear of getting lost on her own in that big and confusing castle—were stronger than her desire to be left alone and she saw herself agreeing. “I— okay,” Elsa offered Tonks a nervous smile.

Worried about making the others be late for the next class, the princess turned her attention to her supplies still spread on the table and quickly moved them back to her backpack. Meanwhile, Adam placed her fountain pen back in front of her, “thank you, that was amazing! I might even save my allowance to buy one.” With a big smile on his face and too excited to remain still, the boy got on his feet as he started gathering his own supplies.

Elsa offered him a sincere smile. Han er søt! The thought surprised her as she had never thought of anyone beside her sister as cute, but it warmed her heart, awakening her protective nature. The girl felt dumb, however, when realized that there was nothing dangerous within the castle's grounds that she was more suited than her teachers to protect the others from.

A few seconds later, though, an idea popped into her mind. There was one thing she was the most apt person to deal with: herself. The warmth vanished at once and she lowered her head to focus on her current task to hide the sadness spreading through her face. If the others noticed, they ignored; but Elsa deemed it to be too late to back out.

Finally, when they were all set to leave, the group headed out under the warmth gaze of their teacher. Elsa tried not to look toward her, but was forced to when she heard the woman's voice as they passed in front of her desk: “have a nice first day, dears.” Although the others offered her an enthusiastic “farewell”, Elsa just nodded shyly and looked away.

“She seems really nice, doesn't she?” Tonks said once they passed through the castle's front door. “Dad says she's a good teacher too, although neither he or mum took Herbology during their N.E.W.T. years.” Elsa had to make an effort to remain in silence. She was certain that it was the first time she had heard of such a thing as a “newt” year. Perhaps, the word meant something different than salamander; something the girl wasn't aware of.

“What do you mean by newt year?” Adam asked with a mix of curiosity and impatience that brought a smile to Elsa's lips. Although she wasn't as eager to know as the boy, she was glad that she would have the question answered. Also, if he didn't know what that was, perhaps it wasn't a language distinction as much as it was a difference between the muggle and the wizarding worlds.

Since Tonks was too busy giggling at Adam's impatience, it was up to Adie to try and to come up with an answer. “Well, it's kind of about the classes' level, right? In the fifth year, we will take the O.W.L. test— that's short of Ordinary Wizarding Level— and, if we pass a subject and decide to keep studying it during the sixth and seventh years, we start taking the N.E.W.T.s classes.”

“Exactly,” Tonks interfered with a smile once Adie finished her explanation. “My mum and my dad didn't take Herbology during their last couple of years in Hogwarts. I suspect dad didn't pass his O.W.L.s, anyways. He's never been very good at keeping plants alive and mum says she wouldn't give him a chance to kill me or our owl Ferdinand under his care.” The pink-haired girl giggled at her family's inside joke, paying no mind to the fact that she was the only one who understood it properly.

Elsa was certain that she wouldn't be staying in the British wizarding world for even enough time to complete her O.W.L.s, so, she paid no mind to the conversation when her companions started discussing the impact of the exams in their future and, later on, what career they had been thinking of following once they finished their studies. The topic wasn't uninteresting, for sure, but it made her feel even more alienated since, even if her parents forced her to remain in Hogwarts, her future had been drawn for her even before her birth.

Instead, Elsa focused on the map in her hands, trying to figure out the best way to reach their next class. She considered herself lucky that the classroom was on the first floor since, although the corridors and large numbers of rooms on their way were somewhat confusing, they wouldn't have to face the moving stairs just yet.

After a few minutes, Adam leaned closer to Elsa to look at her map. “Do you know where we are?” The boy didn't seem to be worried, despite the confused expression on his face. Since pulling away would be rude and the English words escaped from her mind as the fear of being accidently touched rose, the princess merely pointed their location with her trembling finger.

Adam smiled at her reaction and, much to her relief, pulled away to walk beside her at a safe enough distance so they wouldn't touch each other accidently. “You don't talk much, do you? That's okay, I don't mind,” the boy hurried to speak as Elsa's face grew uncomfortable. “Tonks and Adie say you're from another place, must be hard to have to speak an entire new language and all. You can talk if you want, but, so you know, it's fine if you don't want to— the girls— and I, I suppose— we can talk enough to cover for you.”

Not only his ramblings, but also the way his dark red hair covered his expectant green eyes and the playful smile on his lips reminded Elsa of her sister once again. His colors weren't the same as Anna's, but the smile brought enough similarity between them to cause one of her own. “It is difficult,” the princess replied, unsure of what else to say to fill the silence that followed. Adam, however, seemed to be pleased with the response he received and pulled his schedule from his cloak's pocket to consult the map in it.

“Let's see—” he said, thoughtful, scratching his chin with his free hand. Elsa turned her own focus to the paper in her hands, noticing they were approaching their goal at a good pace and would be in the classroom with some time to spare. Considering that she had been raised to never be late—tardiness being considered very rude—, the princess was happy with the realization.

Nearly five minutes later, the four crossed a door to find some of their Hufflepuff classmates but no professor. Adie seemed to have had the same line of thought of Elsa's, as she looked around before speaking, “where's the professor?” Adam and Tonks, who had been talking between themselves and had stopped by the two blondes at the entrance, also searched the teacher with their eyes, finding no one.

“Perhaps he's invisible—” the pink-haired girl suggested, much to Elsa's surprise. If the teachers were able to turn invisible at will— well, that was a terrifying notion that the princess didn't feel like entertaining. If professors could be invisible, how would they know if they weren't spying on their students? Not that she planned on doing something wrong, but with her powers, one never knew. What if she lost control in the halls? They were forbidden to use magic there.

“I mean, perhaps,” agreed Adie calmly. Looking at Adam, she realized he looked interested but not at all concerned. Why was she the only one who was horrified by the idea? Adie's eyes traveled between her classmates until they focused on Elsa; realizing the princess' terrified expression, the girl offered an explanation, “professor Binns is a ghost, Elsa. But he's harmless, don't worry.”

“Harmless— unless you can die of boredom, you mean,” Tonks giggled happily. “There aren't many things my mum and dad agree about the classes in Hogwarts, but both of them are adamant on how boring Binns' classes are.” A ghost as a teacher? Sure, Elsa had seen many ghosts in the castle and even spoke to the one that resided in the Hufflepuff common room, Fat Friar. But a teacher?

Why would his classes be boring, though? Having a History teacher who was himself historical should be nothing but interesting. Despite Tonks' statement, Elsa was hopeful that professor Binns could be the right person to ask about her powers since there must have been people like her before. He could at least be able to send her in the right direction.

Ignoring Tonks' warnings and with a confidence she hadn't felt since Dumbledore's visit, Elsa headed to the front of the classroom and sat right in front of the teacher's desk. Why, she wondered, professor Binns would need a desk if he was himself a ghost? Was he capable of sitting? Did he get tired at all? Although she was rather curious, however, those were the sort of questions the princess knew she shouldn't ask as they would probably be considered rude.

Elsa was surprised when she heard someone sitting beside her and turned to see that it was Adam. “You know, it's not because I'm hoping you could lend that pen of yours again, really,” the boy said with a playful smile. “I really used to like studying History at my old school. Hopefully, professor Binns isn't so bad, right? But it would be really nice if I had that pen for another period.”

He looked at her with pleading eyes full of expectancy, although she could see he was joking and wouldn't be mad if she didn't lend the pen. Hopefully. Wouldn't he, though? He looked rather calm and playful, but one could never know. “I— sure,” at that, Elsa placed her backpack on the desk and started searching for it.

“Oi, I was kidding!” He placed a hand on his backpack to call her attention, once again seeming very aware of the fact that she didn't like to be touched. Yes, Tonks and Adie were definitely responsible for that, and Elsa couldn't thank them enough. “I mean, the pen is awesome and I wouldn't mind if you were willing to lend it to me, but it's your pen and you should use it if that's what you want.”

The boy giggled and shook his head when, having found the pen, Elsa placed it on the desk in front of him, trying a smile to reassure him that it was okay. “Oh, thank you! Here, let me do something for you in return.” To the princess' surprise, he opened his backpack and fished a few paper sheets, placing them in front of her. “I noticed you don't like writing on parchment and I mean— it is kind of thick and rough. I brought paper for drawing, though; you can have some if you want.”

At first, Elsa thought about declining, but it was a gentle gesture repaying her own consideration: a gift that had come as an expression of gratitude. It was something royals had to deal with often, her mother had warned her, and had to always go along with, since refusing such presents would be either rude or offensive. Instead, then, the girl smiled and nodded, “thank you.”

It was when she finished placing a pen and her book on her desk, noticing that Tonks and Adie had sat on the desk right behind them, that professor Binns slid into the classroom through the blackboard. She saw some students jump and one of them even yelled, but, having been warned about him, Elsa was unfazed. The teacher, as well, seemed to be unperturbed by such welcome from the students.

Looking around, Elsa realized that there were only Hufflepuff students in the room since it was a rather small one. Why, she wondered, they had chosen such a small classroom when there were probably thousands of big ones in that large castle. It didn't make sense, but there was an advantage: as the shock at seeing that their teacher would be a ghost slowly fade, it only took a few seconds before the class grew silent.

Professor Binns, however, took no notice of his students as he was too busy gesturing his wand toward the blackboard, making words appear there. He didn't ask them to write on their books and parchments, but the princess quickly recognized the notes as of similar content to the first chapter of History of Magic, by Bathilda Bagshot, and started copying.

Her curiosity regarding his behavior was great, though. Was it normal for teachers to ignore their students so bluntly? All her former tutors greeted her at the moment they walked into the room, but she was their princess. Although the teachers were allowed to reprimand and discipline her, not only a level of respect was required from them, but they were also well aware that she would, one day, be their Queen. Therefore, she didn't suppose she had much to compare to.

By some of her classmates' response to professor Binns' evasive behavior as well as his monotone, continuous, and unperturbed speech throughout the entire lecture, however, it became clear that his methods were far from ordinary. Within minutes, the attention of the other children mingled. As minutes passed, Elsa could hear some conversation and even snoring.

Used to having to sit through massively uninteresting discussions and classes regarding unpractical themes such as philosophy and psychology, though, Elsa had no problem following the teacher's speech. Indeed, the lecture had been quite interesting in comparison to those since she had been eager to know reports of people who had a similar magic to hers.

Although, in the end, the teacher didn't say anything about such types of wizards and witches, he approached the topic of discussion, witchcraft in pre-historical times, through a different optic than the book's and explored further points. Therefore, the princess got past the boring speech by writing down every single word he was dictating in order to keep her mind going.

Elsa had no complaints regarding the lecture, but the professor's refusal to acknowledge the students put her off about asking questions after class. Indeed, even if she had gathered the courage to approach him, it took him no more than a few seconds to vanish the notes on the blackboard before disappearing right in front of the students' eyes.

Beside her, Adam was stretching his arms, seeming to have been waking up from a deep slumber. Even though she thought he should have made a bigger effort to pay attention, Elsa chose to make no comment as she gathered her things. It wasn't her place to say what was right or wrong; and, even if it was, the princess knew she was ignorant on how regular students should behave in a classroom.

“You have some skills, Elsa, to be able to listen to Binns for to the entire bloody class,” Tonks said when Elsa turned to her side to once again pack her supplies. The girl was scratching her head in frustration, making her spiky pink hair look even more messy. Meanwhile, Adie was yawning soundly as she stood up to get the bag she had left beside of her chair.

Elsa had to take a few seconds to figure out how to say what she wanted without sounding judgmental or dumb. “I have never gone to a school. I thought— my mamma told me I should følg med— I mean—” she sighed in frustration, feeling herself starting to flush. What was the word in English? Unable to remember in time, she changed her approach on the phrase: “she said I need to focus on what the teachers say.” Tonks watched her as she struggled and, after a few seconds, she felt the eyes of the entire class on her. Too scared to check if they were actually paying attention, however, she looked at her feet. “I am sorry.”

Much to Elsa's relief, no one commented on her accent during the few seconds before Tonks replied to her. “Look, your mother isn't exactly here to check, is she? You can do whatever you want and it's not like she's going to find out. Unless you do something so bad that Dumbledore would feel obligated to owl people a few countries away,” the pink-haired girl was giggling between words and had to stop herself to crack into a laughter. She took many seconds to recover and continue, “but if you really want to pay attention, it's brilliant! That way you can teach everyone else.”

“I mean, considering that you can't be worse than Binns, I bet the entire class will want to learn from you. Can't say I've seen anyone else paying attention,” Adie had started giggling with Tonks, although she was surprisingly more restrained. What Elsa couldn't understand was why they had been laughing. Was it her accent? Was it what she had said about her mother? Or, perhaps, both? De tror jeg er dum.

The embarrassment and sadness Elsa felt at the realization didn't last much since, soon enough, she noticed the ice covering her skirt around her hand. Terrified, the princess closed her backpack in a hurry and rushed as fast as she could out of the classroom and as far away as possible from the place where most of the students seemed to be heading to: the Great Hall.

All thoughts of lunch were forgotten as Elsa looked for a place to hide, a place where she could unleash the powers threatening to overflow from her body without hurting anyone. Finally, knowing she wouldn't be able to hold it anymore, the princess walked into the nearest empty, windowless classroom and shut the door.

As her magic was released from her body in a whirlwind, the relief was so enormous that Elsa could sense nothing else for a long time. Unaware of the fact that she was surrounding herself with snow and ice, the princess stood in the middle of the classroom, her backpack forgotten on her back, her hair loosened by the strong winds produced by her powers.

Elsa didn't notice, either, the passage of time; she didn't worry about her hunger or the fact that, at some point, the teachers would start looking for her. Alone behind a door that she had unintentionally barricaded with wind, ice, and snow; even long after her magic calmed down, safe within her body, the princess felt freedom.

Alone, that was the only way she and the others could ever be safe. Alone, that was how she could be free.

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Softness and confusion were the only things in Elsa's mind when she slowly started regaining consciousness. She seemed to be laying on a comfortable surface, covered by cozy, heavy blankets. They felt odd, however, different from the ones she had at her bedroom and there were voices speaking strange words in a different language. Where was she?

Suddenly, she was taken by the remembrance of Hogwarts, the other children laughing at her and her control slipping away. In the locked classroom, after releasing her magic, the princess had felt a little better for a while. By herself, she pretended that Anna was there and they were playing their favorite games, going as far as building Olaf for the first time in many years.

As she grew hungry and tired, Elsa realized she would have to leave that sanctuary to find food and a bed, she would be required to meet and talk to people. Still, each time she thought about it, the memory of how painful and tiresome the last two days was discouraging to her. If the girl had known the way, she could have gone straight to professor Dumbledore and asked him to take her home.

Unsure of the passage of time, not knowing how to reach the Headmaster or the teachers, and unwilling to interact with more people than it was necessary, Elsa remained undecided until she finally passed out of exhaustion on the ground of an empty classroom, surrounded by the ice and snow she had conjured and hugging Anna's favorite ice dolls, watched by Olaf.

Now, she couldn't feel the dolls against her palms or the thickness in the air caused by her magic outbursts. The soft light of candles around her, Elsa realized as she opened her eyes, indicated that it was night. Sitting up and looking around, the princess noticed she was in white large room unlike any she had ever been before. The beds, nightstands and walls were empty and plain. Hvor er jeg?

“I see you are awake, Miss Kyrre,” following the voice coming from a corner that she hadn't had the time to examine yet, Elsa found the stern face of the tall professor who had guided her through the Great Hall for the very first time and read her name right before she was selected to Hufflepuff. Studying McGonagall, the princess realized that, although serious, the transfiguration professor was rather calm.

Beside her, there was a shorter grey-haired woman dressed as a nurse—that was the moment Elsa realized she was at the hospital or, most likely, at a hospital room in Hogwarts. The woman had a concerned look on her face that the princess always associated with her mother and the royal doctors when she was sick, “how are you feeling, dear?”

As she approached, Elsa recoiled, clenching her hands in front of her chest only to realize they were uncovered. “Hvor er hanskene mine?!” The girl asked in despair as she searched with her eyes for her gloves, already aware that the air around them was growing colder at every passing second. Finally, she located her gloves lying on the nightstand beside her bed and rushed to put them on.

When Elsa turned again to face the nurse, she was surprised to see that the woman was crossing the entrance of the room, leaving the princess alone with the transfiguration professor. McGonagall only moved when the door was closed, drawing her wand and making a series of movements at the same time that a tray of food appeared right in front of the girl. “You should eat, Miss Kyrre.”

Much to her surprise, the tray was composed with hot fish soup, bread and a glass of what seemed to be juice. It wasn't the exact same type of food she ate at home, but it was closer than anything she had found at the train or the Great Hall. “Usually, the students prefer something of more substance after a full day, but Madam Pomfrey suggested you should start with some lighter food since you skipped lunch and supper. Now, go ahead and eat.”

Although the teacher was calm—gentle, even—, Elsa recognized the no-nonsensical inflection on professor McGonagall's voice that left no room for argument. Not that the princess was willing to argue, anyway, since she was starting to realize that she was hungrier than she recalled ever being and eager to eat much more than just one soup dish.

Since she didn't know if she would be allowed to repeat, however, Elsa made an effort to eat slowly. It didn't take long before she finished, however, “can I— may I have more, Frøker?” The princess had no idea if that was the right way to address the teacher as she was usually on first-name basis with her tutors, but she was too tired and eager at that moment to care. “Please?”

As she turned to send a pleading look towards McGonagall, Elsa noticed she was now sitting on a chair beside her, although far enough for the girl to feel safe. The teacher watched for a second, undisturbed by the surprise in the princess' expression, before shaking her head, “as I said before, you should start slowly after so long without eating.” Elsa sighed in defeat, which brought the corners of the woman's mouth upwards. “There are some things we should discuss first. Then, if you still want to, I will fill your dish again.”

The notion that a professor wanted to talk to her was scary, especially considering that she had skipped her class earlier that day. Was she going to be reprimanded? Punished, even? How did they punish bad students at a school such as Hogwarts? What about her magic? Was the teacher mad at her for losing control? Professor Dumbledore assured her that he would warn the teachers about her powers and she wouldn't be punished for accidentally releasing them, but had skipped a class that would, according to the Headmaster, would help her to learn how to deal with her magic.

“I see,” looking down at her lap, Elsa realized her bed was now covered by snowflakes—once again, she was losing control. Calming herself by breathing slowly and closing her eyes, the snow started decreasing. Before she could apologize, however, McGonagall moved her wand and the snow on the bed evaporated. “I understand that neither professor Dumbledore nor professor Sprout had any success convincing you that we have means to protect you and your friends from possible side effects of your magic.”

Elsa lowered her head when she felt her cheeks burning in embarrassment. Although the professor's voice wasn't harsh, it was sober, which made her feel like she was being reprimanded. “I do not like magic, Frøker. I want to go home. Hogwarts are not a place for me,” it was a statement that Elsa knew would call McGonagall's attention, a bait to deviate the topic in discussion. A lazy, coward approach that would have made her father scold her.

“Well,” the teacher's voice was unreadable, but Elsa couldn't force herself to look up to try and read her face. “If you want to go home, nobody can or will force you to stay in Hogwarts. But pray tell me, Miss Kyrre: what do you know about magic? How much do you know about your own magic?”

Elsa didn't know how to respond to such an unexpecting question. She had, of course, figured that the professor would want to inquire further about her decision, refusing to let her withdraw from Hogwarts without a good explanation. Her knowledge about magic was, however, the type of question the princess wouldn't be able to answer honestly without contradicting herself since the truth was: she didn't know much about it at all.

“I thought so—” McGonagall's voice was rather severe and somewhat tense at that point. Even without looking at her, Elsa could sense a deep disapproval from the woman. “Well, miss Kyrre, I understand the source of your fears. However, if what professor Dumbledore told me about your intellect is true, you should have no trouble to understand how knowledge can be a powerful weapon against fear.”

McGonagall was right, Elsa was able to grasp on how knowledge could help people surpassing their fears. Yet, to acquire that level of insight, she would have to practice magic and, despite everyone's reassurance of the contrary, put others in danger. “Frøker, I do not wish to— do magic. If I could just learn the— theory— apart from the others,” the girl had a little trouble figuring out the right words to use. How could she learn when even the most basic interaction was so exhausting?

“That is not the way to study magic such as yours. Theory can only take you so far,” the teacher made a long pause as if waiting for Elsa to reply. The girl, however, couldn't figure what to say. All she knew was that magic had hurt Anna, the person she loved the most, and that was, in her opinion, a reason good enough for her aversion toward her powers.

“As for doing it on your own, we won't make an exception just because you are scared, Miss Kyrre. Not when the fears are so irrational. Allow me to give you an example,” McGonagall made a small pause as if she was trying to come up with one good enough to convince the girl. “Well, a few decades ago, a Basilisk— that is a giant snake capable of killing people who stare into its eyes— was released in Hogwarts. Although some were hurt, we were able to salvage the situation with one single casualty. Our staff is prepared to deal with most magical accidents, do not underestimate us.”

“I am not!” Elsa exclaimed, exasperated, and turned to look at the annoyed face of her teacher. “But you haven't had other students with powers like mine. Frøker Dumbledore told me I was different.” It was strictly the truth. The headmaster was actually answering her mother's question when he said they had no record of a student capable of working with one exclusive sort of magic from the moment they were born.

While the great majority would start at the age of 7, however, there were rare cases of children who had been born with a rare gift and were talented in one way or another. Even those, however, would be seen performing other types of magic by the age of 11. Not only Elsa was part of the second group, but she had only displayed a talent to perform one type of magic: something Dumbledore hadn't heard of since he had started his teaching career at Hogwarts.

For a reason, McGonagall was clearly surprised by Elsa's outburst, her eagerness to explain herself. It took the girl a little while before she realized that the reaction didn't match the passive way she had been behaving since she first set her feet in Hogwarts. The teacher recovered fast, however. “While your magic is something we know very little about, we have heard of injuries such as your sister's. It is unfortunate that nobody from our world became aware of what happened since it is rather simple to be cured.”

Elsa shook her head, she had trouble believing what McGonagall was saying. If the context of her magic was so non-ordinary, it was reasonable to think that it was somewhat unpredictable. The professor was having none of it, however. “Dropping out of school for such am irrational reason is beneath you, miss Kyrre,” was, finally, her irritated response to the girl's request to go home.

“While I believe it's counterproductive to keep you here without your consent, your parents were adamant about your presence here and, believe me, it was difficult enough for professor Dumbledore and them to deal with the political implications. For now, I advise you to give us a chance and trust that we are aware of your magic and prepared to deal with the consequences of freezing spells if you lose control.”

Again, Elsa had no words to respond to the teacher, knowing that she was being severe but honest. Her parents demanded her presence in the school since it was an opportunity to give her the control necessary for her to be able to be a stable queen in the future. As the princess was at that point, scared and eager to isolate herself, it would be impossible for her to reign. The girl lowered her head to hide the tears that had started flooding her eyes. They were pointless and a waste of time, she knew, since her future was determined for her. There was nothing to be done about it.

“Madam Pomfrey has agreed to let you stay here for the night, but you are awaited in your classes tomorrow and the presence in the dorms is mandatory to all the students from nine at night to five in the morning. I expect no less than a perfect attendance from now on, Miss Kyrre, and advise you to stick to the friends you are making, companionship is an important part of your education in this school.”

Although Elsa didn't turn to look at her, she heard the professor getting up. “Your plate and glass will be filled every time you empty them, but I advise you to take it easy. Once you finish, leave the trail on your nightstand and Madam Pomfrey will take care of it by the morning.”

McGonagall paused after a few seconds, seeming to consider her next words: “it's not the end of the world. You already made quite a good impression on your classmates and Head of the House, Professor Flitwick has expressed his desire to work on your magic with, and Professor Sinistra has heard of your perfect scores in mathematics and physics. From where I stand, it looks like you fit very well at Hogwarts. I only hope you realize it soon.”

Again, Elsa made no commentary. Not only she didn't know what to say, the tears were also keeping her from finding her voice and her mind was too clouded for her to come up with the right words in English. “Now, try eating with moderation and getting some sleep, will you?” At that, McGonagall got up and left the princess alone with her own thoughts. And, indeed, she had many of those.

-------------------

Notes:

The translations to the expressions in Norwegian.

"Han er søt!" means "He is cute!". "De tror jeg er dum" means "They think I'm stupid". "Hvor er jeg?" means "Where am I?". "Hvor er hanskene mine?!" means "where are my gloves?!". "Frøker" means "Professor".

Thanks to all who read it :)

#frozen fic #harry potter fic #elsa of arendelle #nymphadora tonks #arcadia green #adam howard #minerva mcgonagall #harry potter au #frozen au #the others #my fanfics

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dantediscoversfic · 6 years

Text

Chapter 31: Oscar Ramirez

I got over the flu but it left behind a restless drawn-tight feeling inside me that I couldn’t shake. I went to visit Ari every day but other than that I didn’t leave my room much. My mom finally insisted on scheduling an appointment for me to see one of her counselor colleagues, Oscar Ramirez. I didn’t fight her too hard on it. I knew it was probably a good idea to talk someone. Oscar worked for the same shelter/halfway house my mom did in addition to having an off-site office. I’d met a few of her colleagues before but never Oscar, which made the idea of talking to him easier somehow.

Ari had been released from the hospital for about a week and a half by the time I went to talk to Oscar for the first time. I’d been going over to Ari’s house every day to visit him. Sometimes we’d go for “walk and rolls” around the neighborhood but mostly we hung out in his room. I decided to read The Sun Also Rises aloud to him (mostly because Hemingway’s sparse, terse writing style reminded me of Ari, but I didn’t tell him that). I read a chapter or two each visit and we’d talk about it after. One time we talked about where we’d go if we decided to become dissolute ex-patriots like the characters in the novel and travel the world together. I wanted to go to Paris; Ari wanted to go to Iceland or Norway. When I asked him why, he said he was sick of the Texas heat and wanted to see the Northern Lights.

“I bet there’s no light pollution up there,” he said.

“Sure, no light pollution, but the winter’s colder than a witch’s tit.”

He snorted. “I wouldn’t mind the cold.”

“How do you know? You’ve lived in Texas your whole life.”

“It snows here sometimes, you know. Like two Christmases ago.”

“I know, but El Paso winter is nothing like up there. We’d need to bring special snowsuits and camping gear or risk dying of hypothermia.”

“It’d be worth it though. To go somewhere so remote and cold and quiet.”

“Sounds like you really want to go on vacation to The Fortress of Solitude.”

“Hey, don’t knock The Fortress. A man needs a place where he can be alone and think.”

“And freeze his face and nuts off in the process.”

“That’s just the price you pay to stop everyone being all up in your business all the time. And anyway, Superman is impervious to frost bite. And don’t talk about Superman’s nuts. That’s sacrilegious.”

“I wasn’t talking about Superman’s nuts specifically. Just frozen nuts in general.”

“Okay okay enough with the nuts talk. Jesus.”

“What? They’re just a body part. No weirder than pinky toes or noses.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever. Hey I’m pretty wiped…so…I might take a nap or something.”

Ari’s face was flushed he looked sort of agitated so I cut my visit short after that. I could tell something was off between us but I didn’t try to press him. Sometimes when I went to visit I wasn’t even sure if he wanted me there. I figured he had every reason to be resentful of me. It was my fault he was stuck at home for the rest of the summer, at the mercy of his painfully itchy and useless legs. I was afraid more than anything that he’d want to stop being friends with me if I needled him too much or asked him what was wrong. So it was easier to talk about books or imaginary plans to travel the world together than what I actually wanted to talk about, which was how badly I was going to miss him when we moved and how sorry I still was about the accident.

When the time came for my appointment with the counselor, I was nervous even though I knew seeking counseling was a totally normal thing to do. Nothing to be ashamed of.

“Do I have to lay down on a couch?” I asked my mom on the car ride over.

She smiled. “Of course not. That’s the sort of thing you really only see in movies nowadays.”

“Good, because that part always seemed a little weird. Do I have to analyze my dreams?”

“Only if you want to.”

“What if I run out of things to say and we just stare at each other in awkward silence the whole time?”

“You’ve never had a particular problem with maintaining conversation, Dante. You can talk to him about whatever you want. Or not talk. No pressure.”

What I really wanted to ask her was if she thought the accident had messed me up somehow, or worse, messed Ari up, and that’s the real reason she wanted me to talk to a counselor. Not physically messed us up. But if I’d caused something to get broken inside us. I had no issue with the field of psychiatry in general, seeing as it was my mother’s profession, but I didn’t like the idea of a stranger realizing there was something wrong with me that needed fixing.

Oscar had an office in the El Paso Child and Teen Guidance Center, which was located in a shopping center. That sort of surprised me. I’m not sure what I expected, but it wasn’t the totally mundane looking storefront hiding in plain sight next to a hair salon, pet store and a travel agency. Oscar greeted us at the reception desk, where he kissed my mom on the cheek and shook my hand.

Oscar was around my parents’ age. He was on the stocky side, but not fat or anything. He was the type of solid build that you could describe as equally fitting for a linebacker and a big teddy bear. He had a round, friendly face and close cut salt-and-pepper black hair that didn’t do much to make his appearance less boyish and wholesome. He had a firm handshake and big hands.

“Dante, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Your mom has told me a lot about you.”

“Thanks, you too. I mean, nice to meet you, too.”

After my mom checked me in and filled out some paperwork, she left me with Oscar and told me she’d be waiting for me in the reception area.

Oscar’s office was bright and decorated with colorful furniture, throw rugs and artwork, which also surprised me. In my mind I’d pictured something much more stuffy and clinical. To one side of the room was a small couch and an armchair, both plush and comfy looking; between them was a coffee table with a box of Kleenex on it, which I was determined I would not have to use come hell or high water. On the other side of the room was a kid-sized table and chairs plus art supplies and toy boxes, set up like a mini preschool. Seeing the kid stuff made me feel strange. A little sad for the kids who needed to come in here. The office also had a desk, several bookshelves, and a beverage station. Overall it felt more like a living room than an office.

Oscar gestured toward the couch. “Please, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Do you want some water? Tea?”

“I’m okay.”

Oscar sat down in the armchair across from me. “So, Dante. Before we get started, I just wanted to let you know that even though your mother and I are colleagues and she let me know a little bit about why she wanted you to come see me today, I want you to feel like this is a safe space to share anything that’s on your mind with the understanding that I take your trust and confidentiality seriously.”

“Even though I’m a minor and you’re legally allowed to tell my parents what we discuss?” I asked. I’d done my research about confidentiality ahead of time. More than the accident I wanted to talk about what it meant that I loved my best friend who was a boy, but I’d decided already to keep that part of me sealed in the vault no matter what. I couldn’t be 100% sure he wouldn’t tell my parents about that.

Oscar smiled. “You are definitely Soledad’s son. Yes, you’re absolutely correct. Even though you’re a minor I would breach confidentiality only if I was worried for your personal safety or the safety of others or in the rare instance that my notes were subpoenaed by a court order.”

“Wow, that would be pretty badass.”

Oscar raised an eyebrow but was still grinning. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

“Sure, yeah. I was just joking. Discussion of client confidentiality protocol: check.”

It was a relief to hear him say he wasn’t going to tell my parents everything we talked about, but I still wasn’t quite ready to dive right into the accident.

“I like your office,” I said, stalling. I pointed to the kids’ area. “Do you work with a lot of children?”

“A fair number.”

“Do you do art therapy with them?”

“Sometimes. It depends on the child.”

“I’ve read all about the field of art therapy. I think it’s fascinating. If I don’t become a professional artist I might become an art therapist.”

“Would you like to do any drawing right now? We could start with some art exercises if you’re not in the mood to talk at the moment.”

“No, that’s okay. It’s hard for me to draw because of my broken arm. I’m a right-y. But thanks for offering.”

“So you’re okay to talk?”

I nodded.

“I’m glad. So, I understand from your mother that you and a friend of yours were involved in a car accident about three weeks ago and she’s concerned you haven’t been quite yourself since. That you’ve been having nightmares and seem much more withdrawn than usual. Do you want to talk about the accident? Or about what’s been on your mind?”

“So she already told you what happened?”

“Briefly. But I’d like to hear it from you, if you feel comfortable talking about it.”

“Well, it’d been raining and I went out into the street and didn’t see a car coming.” For some reason I didn’t want to tell him about the injured bird I’d seen. “Ari pushed me out of the way of the car and broke both his legs and his arm. He could have died but he didn’t.”

“Ari is your friend?”

“Yeah, my best friend.”

“How is he handling everything?”

“Um. Ok. I dunno. He can be kind of hard to read sometimes. They recently let him out of the hospital. He’s stuck in casts for the rest of the summer because of me.”

“And how have you felt since the accident?”

“I think my mom is worried that I’m showing signs of anxiety, depression and PTSD and that’s why they want me to talk to you. But I don’t have PTSD.”

“No?”

“No. I looked it up in the DSM-IV.” I ticked each symptom off with my fingers. “I’m not having recurring flashbacks or panic attacks. I’m not avoiding cars or the street. I’m not having angry outbursts. Well, I’m still kind of pissed at my parents about deciding to move to Chicago but that’s a different thing. Yeah, my dreams have been a little weird and I’m not sleeping great but that’s because my arm cast is so annoying. So I think we can safely say I don’t have PTSD. Possibly a little low-level anxiety. But I do deep breaths if I start feeling weird.”

“I don’t want to rule anything out just yet, but I’m happy to hear you’re listening to your body and your emotions. What do you mean when you say you start feeling weird?”

“I guess…sad. Stomach crampy. Frustrated. I think I’m worried about Ari. About how he’s recovering. About not being able to help him when we move.”

“It sounds to me like you might blame yourself for what happened to Ari.”

“Well, yeah, because it was my fault.”

“Who said it was your fault?”

“No one said it was my fault. But it obviously was.”

“Why do you feel that way?”

“It’s not feelings, it’s the facts. I went out to the street, I wasn’t paying attention and Ari got hurt because I was stupid and off in my own little world instead of paying attention to the road. And the thing about Ari is, he doesn’t like it when I’m upset, so he only let me apologize once and then he said we’re not allowed to talk about the accident anymore. He has some kind of stoic boy code about it. He wants to pretend it never happened.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Well, I don’t think we should, you know, dwell on it or anything. But I want him to know how sorry I am that I almost got him killed and ruined the rest of his summer.”

“Did Ari say anything like that to you? That you ruined his summer?”

“No. But he’s not big on talking anyway. But, like I said before, it’s a fact. Now he’s stuck in a wheelchair until his legs heal and he can’t do anything except hang around his house and read books and I know he’s pissed about it even if he won’t say anything.”

“Has he ever expressed anger or regret about what he did? That he saved your life?”

“No. Nothing like that. He’s just been moody and sullen. I mean, he’s been in a lot of pain so I don’t blame him for being crabby. I just don’t want him to hate me.”

“Why do you think he would hate you? It seems to me to be quite the opposite, that he cares about you very much. Do you want to tell me about him? How did you two become friends?”

“We met at the pool. I offered to give him swimming lessons. Because he didn’t know how to swim properly.”

“You like to swim?”

“Almost more than anything. Well, I like swimming, reading, drawing, stargazing and hanging out with Ari pretty much equally.” I lifted my cast arm and pulled a face. “Now my life is pretty much limited to reading and hanging out with Ari and teaching myself to become ambidextrous. Not that I’m complaining. I mean, I’m lucky to be alive. I know it’s babyish but I miss swimming with him. I wish I could retcon the whole day of the accident.”

“Retcon?”

“Oh that’s a comic book thing. Basically when the writers change things retroactively in a story to make up for continuity errors. Sort of like a big do-over. Usually that sort of thing bugs the heck out of me because it seems so lazy. But I get the appeal now. Like you have God’s big eraser.”

“It’s natural to wish you could change the past so easily. But it’s equally important to learn how to move forward. And to not beat yourself up over something you can’t change.”

I shrugged and picked at my cast. “I just keep thinking that if it had been Ari in the middle of the road, I wouldn’t have been able to save him. I wouldn’t have been fast or strong enough. He was like Superman, the way he dove at me and pushed me out of the way.”

“Why do you think you wouldn’t have been able to help him if your roles were reversed?”

“Because when I saw the car coming, I just froze.”

“That could have been your body experiencing a fight or flight reaction. And also Ari saw the car coming whereas you did not, yes? So he had more time to think and react.”

“But still, I don’t think I could ever be as brave as he was.”

“You may be underestimating yourself and your strength. It sounds to me like you’re beating yourself up about a theoretical past as well as construing what actually happened to place all the blame on yourself. Just imagine what the people driving the car must have felt like. They most likely felt guilt as well. But motor accidents happen so quickly, in a blink of an eye, that it’s not helpful to play the blame game after the fact, particularly if it’s determined that the driver wasn’t under the influence of drugs or alcohol and the accident was just that: an accident. I would advise you to try not to blame yourself for the actions of others. And if that’s difficult, you may want to ask yourself, what am I getting out of continuing to blame myself for something that was out of my control?”

I didn’t quite know what to say to that.

He must have seen my confusion so he rephrased his question. “In other words, are you holding onto feelings of guilt and shame because you don’t think you’re worthy of having a friend who cares about you enough to put his own life in danger to save yours?”

I didn’t think I was worthy of it. But thinking about that made me start to feel like I might cry, which I had been determined not to do, so I clamped down and said nothing for awhile.

After a bit of silence Oscar said, “You know, I never read comics but my daughter loves them.”

“Really? Which ones? Betty and Veronica?”

“Actually The X-Men is her favorite. She loves all the Saturday morning cartoons based on comics, too.”

“How old is she?”

“Twelve.”

“And she doesn’t think X-Men is too scary?”

“Well, she’s always been a tough little cookie. Never was into any of the princess stuff. Except She-Ra Princess of Power. She adores She-Ra.”

“She-Ra is pretty rad.”

“Do you have a favorite comic?”

“Ari teases me about it, but I really like Archie. He thinks they’re lame. Which, sure, yeah, they can be pretty cheesy. But I don’t like the really dark comics.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s no rule that says you have to like all the same things your friends do.”

“Believe me I know that. I know I’m a little weird.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It’s not a secret or anything. Ari’s the first guy I’ve met my age who really gets me. I’ve never really had a best friend like him before. Not since we moved to El Paso anyway. I had a best friend in California but that was already years ago. We hardly see each other or write letters anymore.”

“And you’re worried that the accident and the move to Chicago will have a negative impact on your friendship with Ari? That you’ll lose touch and stop being friends? And you blame yourself for this future you see happening?”

I nodded, hoping to dislodge the traitorous lump that was forming in my throat.

“You’ve told me Ari hasn’t expressed anger or regret to you about the accident. It sounds to me like he values you and your friendship very much. He values you enough to have put himself at risk when he saw you were in danger. This doesn’t sound to me like a fair weather friend. And there are many ways to stay in touch. You can write letters and talk on the phone.”

“Sure, yeah.”

“I’d like to circle back to what you said at the start, about you being insistent about not having PTSD.”

“Okay…”

“It’s important to remember that everyone reacts to stress and trauma differently. You have in fact experienced a traumatic event. Your life and the life of your best friend was put in danger. For many people, acute stages of trauma may occur two to four weeks after the event itself. So it’s totally normal for your life and mental health to take some time settle back into place. You’re allowed to feel frustrated, angry, worried, scared and whatever other emotions might arise. It’s important to not rush to judge or ignore your feelings. You’ve mentioned that Ari isn’t talkative when it comes to expressing emotions, which is valid and what he needs right now to process the accident. But for you, I get the sense that you have a lot you’d like to express, either verbally or visually. Would journaling or drawing about the accident help you move forward?”

“Maybe…I usually keep a journal but I haven’t been able to write or draw much with my broken arm. When I draw with my left hand it’s like I’m in preschool again.”

“As I’m sure you know, artists express emotions in non-figurative ways all the time. If I asked you to express your feelings about the accident in abstract visual form and not worry how it looks compared to your other drawings, would that be a helpful thing to do?”

“Maybe. It still might look like chicken scratch.”

“Nothing wrong with that. If you feel more comfortable creating a collage we can try that instead.”

"I'd like to try to draw I think."

Oscar got out some paper and colored pencils and markers and charcoals for me. Instead of sitting at the kiddie table he let me sit at his desk to work. The first thing he had me do was draw how thinking about the accident made me feel.

Without really thinking about it, I picked up a black charcoal and started drawing the injured bird in the middle of the road. I used heavy black strokes. It was frustrating at first to not have complete control of the charcoal like I usually did but just putting marks and lines on the paper felt okay. But the drawing still left me with a hollow feeling.

“This is what I saw,” I told Oscar. “I saw an injured bird in the road and I went to pick it up and that’s why I didn’t see the car coming. I think I killed it. The bird.”

“And this makes you sad?”

“Yeah. I wanted to save it. But it still got killed. And Ari got hurt. It was stupid of me. I should have seen the car coming.”

“Is there anything you can do to this drawing now to make you feel less sad about it?”

“When I first saw the bird, it was on the road. But then I picked it up and held it close to my chest.”

I drew a hand around the bird, but it still didn’t feel right. Too stark and bleak. Not how I remembered the bird at all.

“The bird had colors on it. But I can’t really remember what they were exactly.”

“It’s your bird now, Dante. You can add whatever colors to it you want.”

I remembered the made-up birds I used to draw when I was little: the rainbow rocketbird, the tawny tailblaster. Pages and pages of sketchbooks filled with imaginary creatures. I hadn’t judged myself then about how anatomically accurate they were or how technically proficient I was. I drew and created because it felt good. Right now my drawing didn’t make me feel good so I added colors to my bird’s wings and I turned the hand into a nest. That felt better.

I felt calmer after my drawing was finished. But something still bothered me.

“Do you think me changing the drawing of the bird is like retconning the accident?” I asked. “I mean, when I started, I thought I would draw the bird like I remembered it. But that made me feel terrible to picture it all stiff and dark and lifeless. I wanted to protect it. Now it looks more like it’s asleep than it’s dead. But that’s not what actually happened.”

“If drawing the bird like this helped you reframe your sadness and anger into something beautiful, then I think it’s a good thing.”

“It’s not cheating?”

“No, I don’t think it’s cheating at all. In fact, I think it’s more like forgiving.”

“Forgiving who?”

“Yourself.”

#ari and dante fic

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sharksfood · 7 years

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so this thought just came into my head and i want to explore it.

in my life i’ve only seen 3 films so far that i read as books before they became movies. im not counting comic books/graphic novels that became movies bcs thats a little different, books that became tv shows, or plays that became movies. but its interesting to think about that.

i didnt read harry potter until well after the films (all of them lmao) were released, i’ve never read how to train your dragon, i’ve never read the hobbit/lotr, the animated alice in wonderland came out in the 50s, i have only recently read the last unicorn, i read World War Z after the movie came out (and ive never seen all of the movie), and i read the neverending story when i was cast in the play.

the books that i read before they came out in film are; The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, Warm Bodies, and Goosebumps.

Goosebumps kind of fits but it was made into a tv series first, and im not sure if i read the books or saw the shows first. i did both, i know that much.

I read Warm Bodies only bcs I wanted to see the movie but thought the book would be cool to read (its amazing and has a completely different feel from the movie), and Lion Witch Wardrobe was bcs my dad read it to me when I was younger. That and The Magician’s Nephew are the only Narnia books ive ever read.

I was going to try and read Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children before the movie came out, but that work out for me.

if you want to count comics and graphic novels, then the list gets bigger. but comics already have the characters drawn out, so unlike books, you dont have an idea in your head on what the character looks like. that is so often changed in film, plus you loose so much detail and nuance when you go book to screenplay to film (this is also true with comics, but its still different)

However, and the biggest reason as to why I’m thinking about this, two movies will be coming out in the next few years, and both of them are based on my favorite books of all time (aside from the alice books of course).

The first is Captain Underpants! I know that this is a book series with words and pictures, so technically its a graphic novel series, but they’re kids books! and those tend to have an awful lot of pictures. This series was my FAVORITE (other than the alice books) as a kid!! they were fun, hilarious, relatable, and just all around super great. So when i saw the trailer for the animated film that’s coming out this year based on the series i was ECSTATIC!! Were it live-action i would be bummed out since kids picture books usually fair better when animated (im not a fan of the diary of a wimpy kid movies....) but this animation is handled a lot like The Peanuts movie. The animation look like a color and 3D version of the exact art style!! its wonderful and im SO EXCITED

The other one, and this i am VERY VERY nervous about, is Ready Player One. that is my favorite sci-fi novel ever. i often say its my favorite book ever bc it deserves more love! and i do so much love it. ive reread it i dont even know how many times. and what do you know, they’re making it into a movie!! when i heard about this i had so many mixed feelings, and most of it has to do with the style of the book and the characters.

-Ready Player One Spoilers-

In Ready Player One the protagonist starts out as a dirt poor, fat, unattractive teen boy, and later he gets more physically fit/healthy and rich. he claims to still be unattractive at this point (mostly bcs he jues doesnt like how he looks and he looses all his body hair). this is very important to the character! i’m afraid that in this movie hollywood will do as they always do and make him a skinny conventionally attractive teen from the get-go. people will probably pull the Holes excuse of “the filmmakers didnt want to make the actor gain a bunch of weight and then loose it all” BULLSHIT they can cast a fat actor! and through his training and as they film the movie he can loose some weight or they can use movie magic (like when they made chris evans a scrawny little thing). its not that hard, people.

Another character, and this was super important to me and was a big subplot, is that Wade best friend, Aech, whom he only knows through the game (OASIS) plays as a white, straight, guy avatar, but they’re actually a black lesbian named Helen. And she plays this avatar to protect herself and to get a job and be taken seriously within OASIS. is super sad she has to do this, but its a big part of her character. she’s also fat as well, and im REALLY worried that in the movie she’s going to be a skinny straight white girl.

Two other characters who have important characteristics are Art3mis (Samantha) and the creator of OASIS James Halliday. Art3mis is Wade later love interest and GF. She is notable bcs her avatar is just like her, a chubby girl with black hair, but sans her port-wine birthmark. I know they’ll keep her birthmark, since its an intimate reveal, but they’ll probably make her skinny and i hate it. Now it’s only half canon in the books, but i’ve chosen to go with it, but at one point Wade talks about James Halliday’s childhood and his personality and all that, and mentions that he might have been autistic. Now, since it’s only he “might have been” in the books, the filmmakers will probably not make him autistic. That’s fucking sad to me, I mean, it would be amazing!! This character is one of the smartest, most famous, most prolific video game programmers/designers in history!! And he’s autistic! That is some wonderful representation and the filmmakers should jump on that opportunity. It’ll inspire so many autistic people who have a passion for video games to pursue their dreams. But, i have a hunch they wont go with it.

Two other characters, Daito and Shoto, are Japanese young guys who claim to be brothers (and their characters are) but are just friends in the real world. My initial hunch was that the filmmakers would keep them Japanese, but given the recent whitewashing of important Japanese characters, I have my doubts.

My few other concerns are that this movie won’t have 80s pop culture as the main style and focus of the era they book is set in, not to mention OASIS and most of people’s interests. It’s incredibly important to the novel, but so many dystopian movies choose to go with gritty, futuristic, edgy stuff. The other concern is how they will handle the real life vs OASIS look, since over half of the book takes place inside a VR video game. I’ve seen news that they are utilizing VR technology, but i havent read too much. I’m wondering if they’ll animate all of OASIS and the avatars and action and anything in the video game! That would be awesome.

So these are all my thoughts. I havent looks at who they’ve cast yet, so I’m going to do that right now. I do know that Steven Spielberg is directing it, which could be fantastic or terrible. Okay, cast time.

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So the IMDB doesnt say who is cast as Daito and Shoto, but Wikipedia says that Win Morisaki of PrizmaX will play him, which is great! I hope that’s what happens.

Art3mis/Samantha will be played by Olivia Cooke, who in my opinion is way too old. She’s older than me! The character’s age (i think) isnt mentioned in the book, but she’s got to be 17-20, and Olivia Cooke looks older than that. She’s also not chubby, but hey, maybe they’ll fit that. She also doesnt have the birthmark, but that’s gonna be makeup. (wouldve been cool if they found an actress with a port-wine stain on her face...)

Parzival/Wade will be played by Ty Sheridan. He was Cyclops in X-Men Apocalypse. He’s the right age, but way too fit and attractive. DAMN IT Well, I guess there’s always makeup and special effects, but i’m 80% sure now they wont make Wade fat.....

Aech/Helen will be played by Lena Waithe who is almost PERFECT. She’s much older than Aech, who is around 18, but like Samantha i imagine they’ll have make up and acting to cover it. My biggest concern is that she’s not fat like Aech, which means they’ll use a body suit or effects or Lena will gain weight, or they wont do anything.....

T.J. Miller will be playing I-r0k, who is another OASIS player and a bigtime douchebag jerk. This is perfect. We don’t know his age, or really anything other than his personality and avatar, and T.J. Miller is hilarious so this/ll be great.

Mark Rylance will be playing James Halliday, witch is fine by me. He’s not quite what I imagined, but thats what makeup and wigs are for. He’s worked a lot with Steven Spielberg, so that makes sense as to why he’s cast here. I just hope he can portray an autistic character well and with respect.... (would be better if he IS autistic but ya know.....)

Simon Pegg will be playing Ogden Morrow, the co-creator of OASIS, and thats perfect. No complaints.

Nolan Sorrento (the antagonist of the book and head of operations at Innovative Online Industries) will be played by Ben Mendelsohn, who was Director Krennic in Rouge One. He is much older and not quite and slimy as I imagined him, but this can totally work. I pictured Nolan Sorrento as Andrew Scott in my head, since he seems like the perfect evil, charismatic, slimy, attractive but ugly inside business man.

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So, after looking at the current casting choices im a little let down, but still excited! I’ll have to wait patienly for the trailer, since this thing is coming out in 2018. Dang, this turned into a Ready Player One post, but its been on my mind recently.

If you read through all of this, good job! let me know what you think! i probably dont talk about Ready Player One very often but thats bcs i dont know anyone in real life (other than my dad) who has read this book, and the online fandom seems nonexistent. Who knows?

But yeah, I guess I made this post bcs I wasn’t able to share the collective nervousness, complaints, and excitement of Harry Potter or LotR or Percy Jackson fans when their fav books became movies.

#babble #i talk a lot about books and movies #mostly ready player one lmao

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