#she’s tried to strip me of my boricua heritage in unassuming little ways

[enigma-the-anomaly]

I hate when there is anger inside my body. I am very small and my feelings are very big :(

#it really just does not matter what I do huh #it’s spring break. I was up at 9:30 and happened to stay in bed for a bit and take my time showering and stuff #you know? cuz I’m on break? And can do whatever the Hell i want? #but apparently I was ‘sleeping all day’ according to my mom #and then she reminded me to wash my hair the next time I shower. which is code for ‘your hair looks like shit’ #it’s like that one bit from friends where they’re having a funeral for the geller’s grandmother #and Monica’s mom is like “can you imagine being criticized for every little thing you do? #it’s amazing that I grew up to be the life-affirming person I am” #the joke being that she criticizes everything Monica does and is constantly trying to “fix” her #always criticizing her outfit and hair and life choices #like. that’s exactly my mother. and guess what? I fucking hate her! #and—this is a horrible thing to say I know—sometimes I wish she would just hit me #because violence and bruises are easier to spot than the covert belittling and the slow chipping away at my self esteem #all while under the guise of helping me #as if she isn’t insulting me and treating me like a mini clone of her or a goddamn toy to entertain her #she never wanted me she wanted a dress up doll #she doesn’t want nano she never wanted nano she wants a perfect girl who marries a perfect guy #and has perfect grandbabies #she’s tried to strip me of my boricua heritage in unassuming little ways #she’s tried to strip me of my desires and interests and emotions #she’s tried to ignore my trauma and logic away my mental illness #she has tried to destroy every part of me everything that makes me what I am #and she is the victim. the one with the woefully annoying stupid disobedient daughter #because i have resisted her attempts to mold me into something that I’m not #vent #im just so tired of trying to be the person she wants me to be and never being good enough #I’m tired of feeling trapped #I’m tired of feeling like an awful person #I’m so sick of her