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katofdiamonds · 4 years

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[TW: Saying goodbye]

48 hrs ago, we spent some time outside together for the last time. This morning, we had to say good bye. Today has hurt so much. Her imprint is everywhere and I know it will be with me always. It’s just a lot right now. I am thankful that she’s no longer in pain. She was barely herself these last 24hrs. This summer she would have been 15 and her kidneys just didn’t have it in them. Friday through Saturday I knew something was wrong and when she stopped purring yesterday, I think deep down I knew though I tried to convince myself otherwise. I’m so thankful that my father was there to help me in saying goodbye and I didn’t have to go through this morning with a stranger.

She was a goofball. She was spunky. And she was basically always by my side, many times literally.

There are pictures in this of her as cosplay supervisor on her red pillow I made, outside plotting to see if her harness would let her eat grass, and waking up from a nap because she’s dead weight cuddling on my hip.

Here are some way I already miss her.

I miss her waking me up via the dead-weight method.

I miss her waking me up via crunching paper, ruffling plastic, or cardboard box hitting when the first way failed.

I’ll miss waking up to her between my legs or behind my knees still soundly sleeping and looking betrayed at it being time to wake up.

I’ll miss her groggy look of betrayal whenever I was the one to end our cuddles first.

I’ll miss her coming to check on me every hour past midnight I’m still streaming asking when I’ll be coming to bed for bedtime cuddles.

I’ll miss her casually walking past the craft table as I past hours there like she’s not coming to check on me.

I’ll miss her sitting on my fabric in the middle of my floor when I’m trying to cut out patterns.

I’ll miss her zoomies and seeing ghosts.

I’ll miss her chitter noise at birds or squirrels out the window.

I’ll miss her waiting by the door for me to come home from either a shift at work or home from traveling.

I’ll miss her welcome head boop and then equivalent amount of hrs of shunning to the days I’ve been gone.

I’ll miss that first curl up in my lap telling me I’ve been forgiven for being gone.

I’ll miss her hoping onto the bed when I haven’t finished putting new sheets on.

I’ll miss her following me from room to room if not for cuddles but to just keep an eye on me.

I’ll miss her coming to give me cuddles when I’m sad or sick.

I’ll miss knowing exactly how, where, and when she wanted pets, skritches, and affection.

I’ll miss her comforting purrs and weight curled next to my chest at night.

I’ll miss her kitten green eyes that never truly yellowed out in her nearly 15yrs of life.

I’ll miss the way I could tell how much we were bonded through those eyes and through the love languages we developed.

I’ll just miss her❣️

14 years my companion. 14 years of helping me grow and growing with me through adventures 💖

Kona was rescued from a grocery car park in 2006 and I will forever be grateful to Casey for bringing her into my life. I remember Kona’s affection hidden away in the dorm closet and calling my dad to ask how to tell if a cat was pregnant. I remember thinking of adopting one of her kittens but Kona and I choosing each other instead.

14 yrs of moving between uni places and also moving out to Nashville with me. She travelled so well. That road trip to Nashville took two days with no true breaks and yet she crossed her paws and never made it difficult. I remember the nervous ridiculousness of giving her kitteh relaxant when we had to fly home to Colorado suddenly due to my car accident. I remember her reluctance to living with other pets and how much patience it took to cohabitate with other pets and how many times I picked “only childhood” because it was better for her even if it meant not living with friends. I am a cat lady to my core and I want all the cats but she was a street rescue and the importance of weighing her happiness against my whims forever changed me.

We moved back in with Auntie Amy for a couple years who has known her since our years at uni together and our first roommating adventures. I’m so thankful for Amy and her Kona updates on top of taking care of her while I traveled. Our loving teasing when Kona wanted to go outside but it was snowing and when she was temporarily renamed Donut a couple times due to the very few health issues she ever had.

Kona was so weird. She was as obsessed with trying to steal Spicy Nacho Doritos from me. She never reacted to catnip BUT would roll around in my wet bathing suits and towels and try to suck on my hair if it was wet with chlorine; that weird chlorine over catnip quirk was just one example of why we were a perfect pair. How many cats chase their tails on a semi-regular basis? She never played with “cat toys” other than the “red dot” but would play with hair ties, socks, sparkley craft puff balls, a random hoodie tie, and pattern paper cut free from the pattern; her toy preferences were upcycled.

She was also freaking beautiful. Her kitten green eyes stayed green until the end. She mostly didn’t like me taking her picture but obviously if it was during cuddle time, it was tolerated. I have so many pictures of her sleeping, it’s be creepy if it wasn’t completely understandable that I am a crazy cat lady. She also never left me alone for long. When living with roommates, if she wasn’t cuddling, she would position herself in a room to watch over us all. She could be grumpy towards other people as she didn’t want to share me but for the last few years, she would greet people at the door with a leg rub before coming back to be by my side. But still, unless I was gone traveling or visiting friends over night, she would have been by my side if not on me. She’d sleep on my chest as I edited YouTube videos or did homework. In the last few years she would look at me expecting to have one leg to herself if my laptop needed the other. As I got into cosplay, #helpercat was born. When I spent hours reading, purring would often be the soundtrack. On my side or by my side or sleeping with my arm claimed as hers, a piece of my soul will always me hers as for 14 years she was my most constant companion.

My heart is broken, my arms are empty. I know I will grieve and heal but I’ll love you forever, Kona.

#personal #tw #trigger warning

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