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#shame but i shouldve expected it tbh. anyway its ok ive moved on no point dwelling on it i dont want to bring it up again
toastsnaffler
·
3 months
Text
prev post reminds me a friend told me last week she doesnt believe i actually struggle with emotional volatility/dysregulation like ive mentioned before bc shes never seen it firsthand...............
#i dont even know what to tell u girl. i couldnt even give her examples to dispute it bc i find it so shameful and difficult to talk abt
#and it would probably be upsetting to her to hear the sort of things that have triggered me. and how ive coped with the outbursts
#as if i dont structure all social interaction in my life around trying to swallow this shit down so ppl find me just about tolerable enough
#genuinely hurtful thing to hear from someone i care abt. im not upset at her anymore abt it bc what would be the point man
#i can understand why she thinks that + i cant control what she believes. but it did bother me a lot + some trust has been lost there.
#esp considering she struggles w getting ppl to believe her when she talks abt how she feels bc she doesnt necessarily express it outwardly
#in ways other ppl expect. like since ik that im always going to try to assume shes being honest so i dont disrespect how she feels
#but its hypocritical + more than a little unfair to not offer other people the same trust + respect. why wont u take me at face value
#and anyway why the hell would i say i struggle w controlling my emotions if i dont. what clout am i getting from claiming that
#even admitting it is a hard thing for me.... and if thats too much for her to accept it just becomes a barrier in our friendship.
#shame but i shouldve expected it tbh. anyway its ok ive moved on no point dwelling on it i dont want to bring it up again
#bc theres nothing to gain from it. an apology wouldnt change anything since thats what she genuinely thinks
#and whatever she wants to believe doesnt change the fact it is True and likely the biggest cause of strife I experience in my life
#blegh stopping there bc im edging into rumination now
#god im so tired. bedtime soon i think but maybe ill play a quick game or smth to make it to 10pm.... this week has been so long
#.diaries
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