#god im so tired. bedtime soon i think but maybe ill play a quick game or smth to make it to 10pm.... this week has been so long

[toastsnaffler]

prev post reminds me a friend told me last week she doesnt believe i actually struggle with emotional volatility/dysregulation like ive mentioned before bc shes never seen it firsthand...............

#i dont even know what to tell u girl. i couldnt even give her examples to dispute it bc i find it so shameful and difficult to talk abt #and it would probably be upsetting to her to hear the sort of things that have triggered me. and how ive coped with the outbursts #as if i dont structure all social interaction in my life around trying to swallow this shit down so ppl find me just about tolerable enough #genuinely hurtful thing to hear from someone i care abt. im not upset at her anymore abt it bc what would be the point man #i can understand why she thinks that + i cant control what she believes. but it did bother me a lot + some trust has been lost there. #esp considering she struggles w getting ppl to believe her when she talks abt how she feels bc she doesnt necessarily express it outwardly #in ways other ppl expect. like since ik that im always going to try to assume shes being honest so i dont disrespect how she feels #but its hypocritical + more than a little unfair to not offer other people the same trust + respect. why wont u take me at face value #and anyway why the hell would i say i struggle w controlling my emotions if i dont. what clout am i getting from claiming that #even admitting it is a hard thing for me.... and if thats too much for her to accept it just becomes a barrier in our friendship. #shame but i shouldve expected it tbh. anyway its ok ive moved on no point dwelling on it i dont want to bring it up again #bc theres nothing to gain from it. an apology wouldnt change anything since thats what she genuinely thinks #and whatever she wants to believe doesnt change the fact it is True and likely the biggest cause of strife I experience in my life #blegh stopping there bc im edging into rumination now #god im so tired. bedtime soon i think but maybe ill play a quick game or smth to make it to 10pm.... this week has been so long #.diaries