#rubber ducky condoms

[adultswim2021]

Aqua Teen Hunger Force #90: “Rubberman” | February 15, 2010 - 12:00AM | S08E03

I remembered this one being a little too gross. And you know what? IT IS! But you wanna know what else? It got me laughin’, so I’m not pissed off about it! I’m pissed off about other things. 

There has been a spate of sketchy activity in the Aqua Teen area, as evidenced by the nasty leavings of drug-fueled sex-havers. There are condoms and needles and crack pipes all over the place. Frylock’s solution is to set up an information center, urging the drug-users and prostitutes to practice safe sex, and he builds a mascot duck out of the used condoms and needles and stuff. He calls him Clucky, the rubber litter ducky. He comes to life like Frosty, a snow man. He’s now Lance Potter, and he has his own theme song. He demands human appendages and has his ward, Meatwad, acquire them using TV-MA violence. 

I’m struggling to account for why exactly I like this episode as much as I do. I feel like other shows would invoke nasty things like used condoms and needles for easy laughs, but this one juuuuuust reaches the absurdist sweet spot that complete loser idiots like me gallantly enjoy. This might not be your thing, “no matter what”, but it worked for me.

Well, it worked for roughly the first half. Then it started to peter out. But it was lively, and there was even a funny song in the Frosty the Snow Man style. I actually guffawed at the flashback Carl has where he talks about the killer whale that nipped his stones. And, guess what? Don “Tansut” Kennedy is the voice of Meatwad's new baby boy, and George Lowe shows up as a cop. Also, the DVD has a fun video showing the behind-the-scenes recording of the Rubberman song, which is why you ABSOLUTELY NEED TO SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON PHYSICAL MEDI- oh, wait, it’s on Youtube.

EPHEMERA CORNER:

The First Brit Block (January 22, 2008)

This began a somewhat failed experiment where, on Friday nights, Adult Swim aired their British acquisitions back-to-back-to-back-to-back. We’re talking The Office, we’re talking Look Around You, we’re talking The Mighty Boosh, we’re talking Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. It lasted until April 2nd.

It brings to mind the time they did an “old school bumps” night on August 1, 2008. Fun fact: I think I failed to highlight “old school bumps” night on Ephemera Corner. At least, I can’t find any mention of it in my 2008 posts. Weird! Bad mistake! In fact, they tried to do a weekly-recurring old school night that lasted three weeks from August 22-September 5, 2008.

#adult swim #adultswim2021 #aqua teen hunger force #Youtube

[wishxingwt]

Best Friend’s Baby [한지성] Epilogue

What if you and your best friend, Jisung got drunk at a party and had sex afterwards. How will his girlfriend of 2 years react and mostly everyone else after her? Read more to find out.

Pairing:JisungXFem!Reader

Teaser, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Epilogue

Contains: Fluff,smut,angst, slight name calling,cursing, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it kids!)

(GIF isn’t mine!)

A/N: Last chapter :(

(Sorry if the epilogue sucked)

A lot has happened in the few months. Minah ignores you and Jisung at school and even switched universities. Jisung composed some hit songs and was recognized for them. Jaemin has been opening his eyes more often and started grabbing things. It’s been stressful for you two but you managed. Your parents even apologized after they saw pictures of him online.

Minho is going to watch Jaemin for the weekend while you and Jisung get the rest you need.

“Did you pack everything?” You asked Jisung as he nodded.

“Yeah everything is in here. Now all we need is Minho” he said as he put the bag on the counter. Jaemin was holding onto his toy smiling.

“He smiles just like you” you said as you smiled at Jisung.

“He sure does” he said as he smiled at Jaemin. The doorbell soon went off and Minho walked into the house.

“Where’s my baby?” He asked as he walked inside.

“He’s not yours Minho! I gave birth to him!” You said as you held Jaemin.

“Well he’s related to me, so he’s my baby” Minho said as he held Jaemin.

“You know he gets startled easily like Jisung” he said as he smiled at Jaemin.

“Yah don’t scare my child” Jisung said as he came out the room.

Minho stayed there for a few minutes until he was ready to leave. As Minho was leaving out the door he threw something at both of you.

“Your gonna need them so you won’t be in the same situation again” he said as he motioned towards the box.

Jisung picked up the box and rolled his eyes, it was a box of condoms. You giggled knowing that was mostly Minho’s doing. The two of you cuddled on the bed. Jisung nuzzled in your neck, biting the flesh.

“What are you doing?” You asked as he pulled back.

“I mean Jaemin’s gone and we haven’t done it in awhile. We can test them out to see if they really work” he said as he smirked.

“Yah!” You said as you smacked his head.

“Ow!” He said as he rubbed his head in pain.

“How about we go out like we used to when we were friends?” You suggested as he nodded.

“Like watch a movie and then go out for dinner afterwards” he said as you nodded.

“And if you try to pull anything in the movies” you told him.

“I mean you melt under my every touch. Just like the night we made Jaemin” he said as he smirked. You pushed him off the bed playfully.

“I deserved that” He chuckled as he got up from the floor.

The two of you soon got out and walked to the movie theaters.

“We should really stop by Minho’s” you said as Jisung looked at you confused.

“Why?”

“Him and Hyunjin might be teaching him how to dance to one of their routines” You said.

“Well at least it’s better than Felix teaching him fortnite dances like the last time. Or Chan singing the rubber ducky song” he said as you laughed.

“He’s going to learn a lot of things from his uncles” you said.

“But he’s going to learn a lot more from his parents.”

The two of you walked inside the movie theater. It smelled heavily of buttered popcorn.

“It’s feels like old times doesn’t it Ji?” You asked as he nodded.

“Yeah it does and when Jaemin gets older, we can do things like this with him and maybe he’ll find is own Y/N” he said as you chuckled.

“And then he’ll have his own Minah” you added as he chuckled.

“Let’s just hope not” he said as he pecked your lips.

Even though Jisung was your best friend at first, you two started getting feelings for each other and even had a child together. You hoped that you two will last forever for Jaemin and your other future children.

#stray kids #stray kids scenarios #skz smut #stray kids fics #stray kids smut #han #han jisung #han imagines #han scenarios #han smut #stray kids imagines

[wtfdavidsvlogs]

Wisdom Teeth (D.D)

Warnings: Swears maybe...

Requested: @gingr-gingr said

hey. i love your work. could you do a david for ik imagine where the reader gets braces? i just think it’d be super cute and fluffy. :)

Gif by: @dobrikgifss

I didn’t want to do this at all. I hate the dentist let alone surgery in my mouth at the dentist. I am practically shitting my pants about it. My boyfriend David was taking me in. That settled my nerves slightly.

“David, don’t make me go pleeeeease.” I whined to him as he drive the car to the dentist. He chuckled and shook his head.

“Nuh uh. You’re going you’ve pushed this off for far too long.” He said to me. I think I can break him.

“I will do anything...” I say to him as I start to slowly trail my hand on his thigh up towards his crotch. He looks down and then at me. He takes his right hand and pushes my hand down.

“As tempting as that offer is...I need to take you in for this procedure, baby.” He said to me still gripping my wrist. I sigh and turn back forward. I wasn’t going to crack him.

We had finally arrived at the dentist and we were waiting for death to walk through that god forsaken wooden door. My knee was bobbing up and down at the speed of light, and I swear I could taste blood coming from under my over bitten finger nail.

“Baby,” David said suddenly startling me. He laughed at my reaction. “Stop worrying when I had this done it was easy, I swear you will be fine.” He said kissing my lips. All of my motions stopped as his lips calmed my nerves once again. I pull back and lean my head on his shoulder. His head then resting on my own. A nurse comes through the door in purple scrubs.

“Y/N Y/L/N?” She said looking around the room. I stood up and reluctantly followed her lead. I turned back to David who was giving me two thumbs up. Here we go.

One hour later

Davids pov

I waited for Y/N to be finished with the procedure. When finally a nurse came out.

“Is there a David Dobrik here for patient Y/N Y/L/N?” She asked looking around the room. I stood and waved my hand. She made a hand gesture to make me move closer to her.

“What’s going on? Did everything go okay?” I asked her quietly.

“Yes everything went completely fine. She is stable just very very very loopy.” She said also speaking with her hands for emphasis. I was confused. “What I mean is that she is reacting very strongly to the laughing gas.” She said and ushered me to what I was assuming Y/N’s room. She stopped at a door and I could hear faint laughs and yells. She opened the door to Y/N sitting on a chair wiggling around and yelling.

“Get off of me Mr. Trump!” She yelled and pushed a nurse. I laughed and sat down in front of her. She l looked to me and gasped for a long time.

“Baby! You’re here! Thank god get me out of here!” She said muffled with gauze in her mouth. I laughed at her.

“We will soon, sweetheart.” I said to her and patted her leg. She smirked and turned to a nurse.

“Me and him. Yeah, we fuck sometimes. And guess what? He is a god at it!” She yelled at her the nurse could not keep a straight face nor could I.

“Baby you can’t say things like that to people you don’t know.” I said still trying to calm my laughs.

“I just want people to know that my boyfriend, IS A SEX GOD!” She screamed holding up peace signs with both hands. I let out a wheeze laugh. “Me and these nurses are friends, David. Stop hating on me like I am some washed up rubber ducky condom, start respecting.” She said throwing her head every which way. She gasped again.

“R-E-S-P-E-C-T!” She starting belting with one hand in the air making lazy snapping noises. She started laughing and clutching her stomach.

“Oh my god!” I said laughing at her. She finally started to calm down and she was taking breathes in and out fast. The nurse walked to her.

“Do you need some help standing up to leave?” She asked her.

“No no no no no ma’am I have my sex god boyfriend David motherfucking Dobrik to help me.” She said trying to be snarky but failing as her eyes then started to close. The nurse looked and me and I nodded at them. There was no way she was going to be able to walk. Let alone to the car. They rolled a wheel chair in and sat her limp body down. She laid like a dead body as she slept in the first place. On anesthesia it looked even worse.

They rolled her out to my car and placed her inside with ease considering her body type. She laid on her side with her eyes half open. I got out my camera and recorded her.

“Baby.” I said. She moaned in response. “How are you feeling?” I said pointing the camera down at her.

“Like a million...ducks. Bucks.” She started to laugh again but in this prolonged wheeze laugh. I started to laugh at her laugh.

“What are we sitting in?” I asked her.

“Flavios new whip!” She said yelling at me.

“What does that mean?!” I ask her laughing still.

“I wanna go home, babe.” She said to me squirming in her seat. I pouted at her pitiful discomfort.

“Okay sweet baby.” I said to her rubbing her hair. I look at the camera and do and outro. I was gonna take this high little baby home.

IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SO SO SO SORRY! I’ve been gone for like ever. I’m kind just in a motivation block right now but I have like 6 stories to get to that I will get to i’m sorry for the delay everyone hears are rolling! Thanks guys🖤🔆

#alex ernst fic #alex ernst imagine #alex ernst #brandon calvillo fic #brandon calvillo imagine #brandon calvillo #carly incontro #david dobrik #david dobrik imagines #davids vlogs #david dobrik fanfiction #david dobrik imagine #david dobrik x reader #heath hussar #josh peck #jason nash #kristen mcatee #liza koshy #request #reader x david dobrik #scotty sire imagine #scotty sire #todd smith #vlog squad #vlog squad imagines #youtube imagines #youtube #zane hijazi imagine #zane hijazi

[curious-minx]

The Art Patron (SHORT STORY)

Somewhere in between purchasing a full set of decorative Simpsons plates, a perfectly cromulent companion to my custard yellow walls, and generating writing prompts for aspiring writers to never do, I made a discovery that will change my life forever. 

My love language is tinsel wrapped gifts of the highest and personal order. I wanted my lady love to have a very special Kansas Day. She wasn’t from Kansas, nor did she care much for the Simpsons. She liked them just fine. Oh! A fellow is offering the artistic service of turning “ME!” into a Simpson! My walls could use all of the soggy rubber ducky yellow art it can get and seeing as the only pictures I have of myself are in the womb I think this would be one step closer to adulthood. Click, yes, sir please Turn Me into a Simpson button. Huh…$500. That’s really steep. I close the laptop and pace  around my small, growing increasingly smaller bedroom, and  I trip over a foam dumb bell. I am black and bruised. I have even made myself start bleeding. Dammit I guess I have no choice but to turn myself into a Simpson now. How else will I remember how I looked before I broke my face, but I don’t own any pictures of myself!

I have been grocery shopping recently at Sal’s Little Big Sega Bodega! She’s surely got me on camera. I huff down the thirty six flights of my storied building and tip my doorman handsomely. Listen to the heels click and clatter, Big City Blues are calling me. Sal’s Little Big Sega Bodega is one of the only approachable monuments to commerce on this fiscally icy block. I waltzed right in through the copyright infringing doors and blast a salutations to Sal herself. Sal puffs on a waterlogged stodgy and turns a page in a dirty magazine about Russian propaganda. There is a man dressed up in a Sonic the Hedgehog suit cleaning up a bloody mess pooling around the cramped store.

The man dressed as Sonic tells me,“Surf’s up, homie.” The gory puddle ripples and soaks. I step around armed with an armful of Clickers, a steady Shenmue stress ball and a  pre-wrapped Alex Kidd Enchanted Castle hoagie, I will have to pick out the pickled capers but it’s still a nice mayo dense sammie.

“Sal, fair clerkess I am hoping you are having a good day.” I am going to crack into the Sal safe one chit at a chat.

“Nope. Keep it moving, kid. Take your change.” She slides my change across the counter and even though I typically despise when people refuse to make hand to hand contact with lending of money I can accept Sal when she does this. She has clearly lived a life.

“I understand, the ToeJam and Earl flavored condoms don’t stock themselves.”

Sal snaps back, “Look-I know you appreciate all of this geeky shit, but this is my livelihood.”

“Sal, I really think you should take an improv class. You would learn not to start all of these customer interactions marinated in sea salt brine saltier than Ecco the Dolphin’s home...I will see myself out.” Damn I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ask for a simple favor. An old woman with a brawny  pale tattooed man on leash has entered the store just as I am leaving. The old woman takes off her wig, revealing a bald shiny head and a pistol. She begins shoving the pistol at Sal. Sonic turns on the Jet Set Radio to full blast and slips in the bloody puddle.

I don’t want to call the police, but I call the police.

“Hello, I don’t like you.”

“911, what is your emergency.” The tone of the pig operator is harsh and accusatory. I try to swallow, but I am choking on my enchanted hoagie.

“Bang! Bang! Cops and robbers! 72nd and Pacific Ave! Be here or be square!” I hang up the phone and in my burst of adrenaline have to remind myself to not smash my own phone. I go around the corner and wait for the cops who show up. Hours go by and the Sega bodega burns, robbed and pillage. What a world. The cops finally show up when they finally feel like it and are asking Sal the typical useless questions.

“An old woman and her lackey robbed me blind and you’re just going to file some paperwork?!”

“Listen, sweetheart, this is a big bad world. Shit happens. Buck up.” Office Doomsdairy tips his cardboard hat at Sal and takes a Chocolate Milk that has one of the Super Monkey Ball Monkeys winking on the carton. The cop chugs the whole milk carton and slides Sal a twenty.

“Buy yourself something happy, you look like a miserable bitch. Also, I grew up in a Nintendo household you’re lucky I don’t arrest you for being on the wrong side of the console wars! God dammit! I hate all of these sexual harassment protocols! I used to have a partner I could wisecrack to! Thank you for calling 911, have a nice day.” The cop is leaving and I puff my chest like a mighty Maine puffin and say to the officer, “Wait!”

The cop responds, “Dude, I’m on break. Buzz off.”

“No officer, you should take a look at the security camera footage. You will see that Sal isn’t lying!”

“Yeah, sure whatever.” The filthy cop and I go back inside and now with the Wrong side of the Law by my side I can finally get my security camera footage.

“Why don’t you just take a picture of yourself? You have a phone don’t you?” Asks a nagging insipid voice that sounds rough and grainy against my thoughts. I shove the voice away and continue standing by the dirty Lawman’s side.

“So uh I think I need to see the security livestream. You do have a security camera right?”

“Yes, officer, I have security.”  Sal makes a throat cutting motion over to the Sonic man behind her who sadly puts away his Golden Axe. Sal lifts open her gate for the officer to step through and he immediately turns on the bathroom security footage and begins fast tracking and rewinding the footage stopping at every womanly shape. He does this for a while and clutches at his foam padded pants.

“Hey kid, this technology bewilders me. Maybe you should find the crime.” The cop stretches and scrolls through his phone while I fumble with this alien technology hoping to click the right video feed. I eventually stumble, click onto a feed of the main entryway and rewind to the robbery. I look over and notice that the cop is injecting himself with a violent red powder and kicking at Sal’s managerial locker. I rewind further and find a good headshot of myself prior to my accident. Seeing as I stop in every day it doesn’t take long for me to find yesterday’s beautiful face. I cringe and take out my own phone and take a picture of my image on the security camera display monitor. I fast forward back over to the unfolding of the crime. Another cop appears, Officer Wrathsberg.

“Fuckin hurry up Doom! What’s the hold up? You jerking off to potty pics again? And who the hell is this civilian? Get out of here!” I take my leave and hurry back home with a visage of myself in tow. I tip my doorman again and rush back up my thirty six flights of stairs. Back home. My plants are still wilting, my cat still isn’t back from her shopping trip, and my walls are still the color of Big Bird’s sperm. I upload a picture of a picture of myself and take another $500 out of my savings. I am going to be turned into a Simpsons.

The Simpsonfy me fill out form is of a considerable depth. They want to know a lot of personal information that I am frankly insulted no one has ever asked me about before. Some questions make me reconsider my entire worldview. I am going to be one terrific Simpson. I finish the survey and look for a way to tip the artist, but their cryptic Paypal does not offer a tip button so I add on an extra $25 to the $500. I wait. In the amount of time it takes for someone to open and close an app I get a response.

“Thanks. I will see you tonight.”

“Wait, what?” I say out loud and really wish I hadn’t. Going to take hours to get this kind of negative energy out of my house. I type up, “No thanks, please find attached the photograph of my visual likeness to assist you on what I am sure to be a lovely portrait. Thanks again and I hope you have a nice Kansas day!”

I close my laptop and masturbate because I am grateful for being an artistic patron. I feel what Walt Disney must have felt every time he flexed and brought a new animated confection to the world. The wait for the portrait will be excruciating.

My lady love, who is totally not my sister, Franchesca has returned home! I rush to the front door like a toddler puppy hybrid too cute for his own good embracing the warm glow of the Feminine return, and she grunts out a hello. She peels off every article of clothing off from her body and leaves it behind like a scorned Pompei cast away and excuses herself to the shower. I bend down and sweep up her sticky and sweet bundle of clothes and fold them into the clothing hamper. I wait for her shower and she joins me in the rhomboid rumpus (and rumble) room clad in nothing but her Parisian robe.

“So, how was your day?” asks Franchesca, and I look into the depths of her expansive molasses colored eyes.

“Pretty good! I got you a Kansas Day gift! Do you want to open it now or later?” I hand her the wrapped stack of decorative Simpsons plates.

“Um sure? Kansas Day? Is this because I told  you about that anime convention orgy I attended in Kansas? Either way, it is appreciated.” She unravels my gift which is wrapped in such a way to provide a user-friendly experience. She stares  at the top plate on the stack, Lisa and Bleeding Gums Murphy saxing together in the moonlight. The best plate. Franchesca puts it down, not even considering the other four plates in the set.  

“Thanks so much! I am sure one of these will look great hanging up on her walls the color of sick lemon. The purples will work real nicely. Now if you don’t mind me I think I will have a nice lie down for awhile. Wake me if you need anything.” Franchesca retires to her separate bed chambers leaving the pile of decorative plates and wrapping paper. I don’t bother picking them up. I don’t know what sort of reaction I was expecting, but this one left me cold. At the very least she could have dramatically smashed one against my head if she hated them so much. I slink away to the liquor cabinet.

I bend down to the  liquor cabinets’ sleepy filigree doors and whisper into them, “I will take one big and brown, please.” I take out a mostly full bottle of pre-made Whiskey Sour. Too many times I have gotten super sloshed making my own cocktails and making a huge mess in the kitchen, and as anyone who has ever met me always leaves with one and only one impression: “I can tell that he’s not the biggest fan of messes.” I messily chug straight from the bottle until I sputter out the synthetic 65% concoction. I pour another glass in a frosted novelty glass of a franchise I don’t even like and sink into my chaise beanbag lounge. At least when I wake up I will finally be a Simpson.

////

My throat is too dry to swallow. My eyes, too blurry and caked over to blink. My arms were too roped and bound to move. I try to speak but only weakness comes out. Every inch of my body feels like it is experiencing a tingly chemical burn. I produce a groan! That’s progress. The room isn’t spinning, but it’s not a stable clear image for me either.

“Congratulations Mister Branche, you’ve officially been made into a Simpson.”

“Dooough.” I am trying to ask what the hell is going on, but my mouth is also too heavily caked over in a rubbery mask to move. My vision is starting to reappear and I am not too sure I want to keep seeing what I am seeing.

“Hush, now do you want an official Simpson name? I was thinking Albert Sacksworth, but I am always open to my clients suggestions. No rush, but I will need a decision in less than twenty four hours if we are going to sign your official Simpsons birth certificate.

“Dooough.” I am trying to say that this is an outrage and as a fellow literalist I am sickened by this criminal negligence, untie me you scoundrel!

I am released into the world as a Simpson character. I only have eight fingers now. I will use all eight of these fingers to climb my way back into my lady loves’ arms.

The End.

#the simpsons #short story #weird fiction #short fiction #sega #sega saturn #crime #sonic

[abeautifulblog]

So when I replayed this, I was REALLY HOPING that it would turn out that you could click the power button without putting a gd thing in the radio and it would still work, proving that Joseph was 100% full of shit -- but sadly you do have to toss some random objects into the pool.

Luckily, it will work without:

- The rubber ducky (you’re gonna need that later, it’s your only after-care)

- The condom (hang onto that, because god only knows where that dick has been)

#drunk gremble liveblogs dream daddies #dream daddy

[dianehoffmaster]

Are you wondering about which important life lessons for boys that you should be teaching your son?  It isn’t always easy raising boys in today’s world. When my son was born 13 years ago I looked into his tiny face and wondered what sort of things he would accomplish in his life.  Would he be a famous scientist?  Maybe he would discover a cure for cancer or help bring about peace to nations at war.  There are so many possibilities when a baby is born that it is just a bit overwhelming to realize that YOU are in charge of the fate of this boy.

As his mother, I know that I play a big role in how he grows up and the development of his personality.  It is just a tad bit intimidating…I could really screw up an otherwise decent kid with a few stupid decisions!  As he has gotten older, I have come to realize that WHAT he accomplishes in life isn’t anywhere near as important as the type of person he becomes.  I would rather him be a garbage man with a well-developed sense of pride, independence, and individuality than have him become a lawyer with no moral compass to steer him in the right direction.

There are a number of life lessons for boys that we should teach our sons as they grow up. You want to ensure they become men who we will be proud to have raised.  I don’t want his future wife to wonder what in the world I was thinking when I was raising him!

I am putting these important lessons we should teach our sons down in print, as a reminder every day that this boy needs guidance if he is going to grow into a decent human being.  Of course, as a teenager, we are REALLY far from decent human being right now!  At the moment my son is in the grunting and acting slovenly stage.  I really hope this phase passes quickly! Until it does I will just keep hammering these lessons home and throwing up a prayer to God every once in a while that maybe he could give me a helping hand.  Here are my own ideas for lessons we should teach our sons.

I am putting these important lessons for boys down in print, as a reminder every day that this boy needs guidance if he is going to grow into a decent human being.  Of course, as a teenager, we are REALLY far from decent human being right now!  At the moment my son is in the grunting and acting slovenly stage.  I really hope this phase passes quickly! Until it does I will just keep hammering these lessons home and throwing up a prayer to God every once in a while that maybe he could give me a helping hand.  Here are my own ideas for lessons we should teach our sons.

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Life Lessons for Boys

Unless you want to starve, learn how to cook

Nothing will impress your future wife more than if you make her a home cooked meal that did not come out of a can.  Pick up a wooden spoon occasionally and use it for something other than scratching your back.  Give him a copy of Teens Cook: How to Cook What You Want to Eat and get into the kitchen with him for a bit of guidance. You don’t want vegetable chopping to turn into playing with knives.  Raising boys can be challenging some days! 

  Body odor is NOT manly

Bathe regularly.  And actually use soap!  Keep your nails trimmed and your armpits de-stinkified.  Deodorant is helpful but do not use cologne to take the place of a shower.  You will still smell like BO, I promise!  Make him a few homemade sneaker sachets for stinky shoes and teach him how to remove armpit odor from workout clothes.

Real women do not look like Victoria’s Secret models

Your future wife will most likely not look like the life-sized version of a Barbie doll.  Get over it…you don’t exactly look like Ken, either!  Teach him that beauty is more than skin-deep and that a woman who is ugly inside is not a person they should consider dating.

Life lessons for boys:  This is not an attractive look!

Pull your pants up

Wearing your jeans around your butt cheeks with your underwear hanging out is not an attractive fashion statement.  Invest in a few belts and put your pants up around your waist where they belong.  Life lessons for boys that teach them good fashion sense may just help them land a job when they get older.

Money doesn’t grow on trees

Just because you have a plastic card with a nearly endless supply of purchasing power doesn’t mean you have to use it.  Spend wisely and save for a rainy day.  If your girlfriend is more impressed with expensive, sparkly things than an act of kindness occasionally she isn’t worth having.  Learn how to balance a checkbook, invest in mutual funds, and create a budget.  If you choose not to do this, there are plenty of empty boxes on street corners that you may end up living in.

It takes more guts to say NO than it does to say YES

Your friends will no doubt attempt to get you to do stupid things.  You are boys.  Boys are notoriously stupid at times.  Use your best judgment before making a bad choice.  When in doubt, ask yourself “Would mom beat me if I did this?” If it doesn’t have the mom seal of approval you are probably better off saying no.  Remember, it is mom’s prerogative as to whether or not to bail you out of jail the next day.

You never, EVER ask a girl out for the first time OR break up with her via text or telephone

Be a man and stare her straight in the eyes when you have something important to say.  Teens today have lost the ability to interact with other human beings on a personal level.  They need to know how to communicate with their peers as well as adults.  Important conversations should never happen via text message.

Naked pictures of yourself are not cute

Unless you are an infant in a bathtub full of suds and a rubber ducky, you should not be appearing naked online.  Naked pictures of grown up you that are posted on Facebook, Twitter and texted to your friends will come back to haunt you. My kids are in high school now and I can tell you honestly that sexting IS a big problem and happens more often than you think.  Make sure that they know that their dream job may just be taken away because someone Googled your name and was horrified by your naked, dangly bits all over the Internet.

The only safe sex occurs with your hand

This is one of the most important life lessons for boys that I want my son to remember.  No matter how careful you are, every once in while accidental pregnancies happen. If YOU are the cause of that accident, you will be paying for that mistake for the rest of your life.  If you absolutely can’t keep it in your pants, glove up and use a condom.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.  They can save you from years of financial and emotional issues, as well as prevent some nasty diseases. Study after study has shown that abstinence-only programs don’t work as well as safe sex education in preventing teen pregnancies.

The term ‘gay’ should never be used in a derogatory manner

Gay is a state of being, not something to call a movie you didn’t like or a teacher who gave you an F on a final.  And if you happen to have a friend who comes out and tells you they are gay, I hope you are man enough to hold your head high and still call them a friend.

It is okay to cry

Not that you have to cry over the death of a caterpillar, the closing of your favorite bookstore, or your recent burnt dinner attempt (see number 1 above!) but sometimes, something will happen that truly hurts.  And it is okay to let that hurt out with a few tears.  And if someone calls you gay for that, reread number 9 and ask yourself if they are really somebody you want to be friends with.

  I’m sure I have left out a number of life lessons for boys that they need to know.   Please share if you have one!  If you are the mother of a daughter you might like my article on How to Raise Confident Girls.

If you are raising boys, what life lessons do you want them to know?

Looking for more parenting articles?  Try these!

Important Life Lessons for Kids to Ensure Long Term Success

  Tips for Raising Teenagers: Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

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