#really truly speaking to all us self harm girlies amirite? fuck. this episode is actually killing me

[godasfarasyoureconcerned]

i don’t know what words best describe the feelings i get when i watch s2e2 is except for maybe “really fucking intense”

he’s screaming and begging for death and they have to stifle his pleas because they’re so desperate to keep him quiet and alive. ed knows something is up. he can fucking smell it. that’s his dog. his faithful, loyal iz. as if he wouldn’t know the visceral smell of that dog’s body and soul at its lowest, most rotten points. like he wouldn’t recognize the smell of such a “poisoned atomosphere” in the dog’s own words… really fucking intense

ed gives him what he believes is his last order, a command to kill him just like he dreamt about, only for the bloody, sweaty, infected, ever-devoted, pain-in-the-arse, willing to please, spiteful, vengeful, fucking disgusting dog to laugh in his face and tell him to fuck off… really fucking intense

he’s told him to fuck off before. he’s told him he’s done before. he’s told him he’s a shell of a man, and a namby-pamby, and poisonous. but this time is different. ed gives the order and the dog not only hesitates, but starts laughing. uncharacteristic, haunting laughter that doesn’t sound like it belongs to him. dogs like him don’t laugh like that, much less at their master. but it’s unbelievable, the command, as is the rest of ed’s behavior. it’s laughable. the idea of ed ordering the attack on himself… really fucking intense

does ed think that he’ll do it? does he think that he won’t? he doesn’t care either way. he’ll probably do it, but his lack of toes proves how inconsistent he is with following orders these days, so who knows? he might be too weak and faithful to do it to himself. he might be too strong and poorly-behaved to do it for ed. he doesn’t know. it hardly matters. they’re both dead anyways. goners. should’ve packed it in years ago… really fucking intense

fine. if he can’t follow a simple order, he might as well finish the job. make it fast. fuck off like he swore to do so long ago, for real this time. not like ed could kill him either, so maybe it’s fair. couldn’t kill anyone, much less his “friend” as it were. fine. that fucker is faithful and strong enough to at least do it to himself. “i loved you best i could” and it’s done. quick. fine. fuck off. til death do we part and all that fucking bullshit. good. fucking off. that’s a magnificent storm. perfect… really fucking intense

it’s about to be over. heading straight for it. steering the ship into the storm. not even steering it anymore. he really hasn’t been for some time, being honest. it’ll all be over soon, if he could just— shot, by the same dog he shot. the one he just pleaded for death from. who shot himself, he heard it. of course, maybe it was just a fuckery. a trick. maybe he— no. was obviously just shot, fucking gash like that, christ. hobbled himself up here on one foot on an ocean ed knows must be nauseating and— “indestructible little fucker” why the fuck can’t he just die? why the fuck can’t either of them seem to fucking die?… really really fucking intense

standing over him. finally. put him in his rightful place, on the floor at their mercy, or lack thereof. kill him. fucking do it. fucking do it. “finally :)” uhh… really really really intense

to further articulate: i think the writers of the show clearly know what it’s like to hate yourself and to have complicated feelings with the relationships that make you that way. the next ep obviously gets further into those themes but that only further proves my point and this episode is just so intense. they seem to really get what’s it like to fucking hate yourself and your life and be so unhinged that you’d be willing to bring others down with you because you just. can’t be bothered. to care. and you cry out for help but nobody is any help and they’re long tired of it and of you anyways and hell maybe driving them away is the solution tk your problems anyways since people are the cause of all your problems. yeahhh. writers really said “this one’s for all the homies who ever self-harmed” idk that’s not my only take but it is a big one floating around my head

#ofmd s2 spoilers #they really know what it’s like to hate yourself huh #they really know what it’s like to want to fucking die huh? #they really know how to uh how to to fucking uhhh channel those of us who feel like we don’t deserve anything #really truly speaking to all us self harm girlies amirite? fuck. this episode is actually killing me #like.. you ever beg for relief and hate yourself for not being able to do it yourself #not trying to get too intense at 1:45 am but i am Thinking #blackhands #edward teach #izzy hands #ofmd #tw self harm #mine