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petalsofyouth · 9 months

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limerence; and it goes both ways | ran haitani x reader

tw: unestablished relationship, smoking, mentions of usage of weed, sexual activity (it's not really detailed, but it is, haha) /i think that's it, but i probably missed something as i usually do, so please do tell me if you think i forgot something/

wc: 28 128

author's note: ran was supposed to be extremely toxic in this, but he isn't. we'll meet the version of ran i initially intend in another story. oh, and they all are in universities, so it's uni au, no usual gangs activities.

Aoki Ogura is perfect, or so Ran thinks.

She says her first name is spelled with kanji that mean 'a little love,' and her last name means 'tiny' and 'blue.' She giggles as she says it, staring with her beautiful eyes at Ran. She might like him, and he might like her too.

Or even more.

Ran thinks he is in love with the girl in front of him, and it doesn't really matter that he has only seen her twice in his life: once when Rindou was picking him up from rehearsals for dinner and Ran happened to tag along, and today, for the second time, at someone's party in Kamakura.

He doesn't dare to say it aloud yet, but he already calls it fate. Ran is quick to assume.

He chats up this pretty, perfect girl, leaning down to her so she can hear him over 'Cherry Girl' by Black Cherry, which is playing too loudly for Ran's taste. But today he won't complain and whine about it as he usually would've, because this works exactly in his favor, creating the much-desired proximity between his body and Aoki's. They are really really close.

Her body is nice too. She's wearing a white summer dress that hugs her shoulders and waist so tightly that Ran doesn't need much imagination to have her undressed before him. Besides, he knows that Aoki is a dance major. A nice body is a given. He has hooked up with girls from the dance department before. He has never been disappointed once.

Right now, though, he feels like the happiest person at this party in the house that is too small for so many people. His chest is burning, and a smile blooms by itself. Aoki is telling him about her white cat, and Ran, who has never before been very enthusiastic about animals, nods at her, agreeing that cats are the best pets to have.

By the end of their conversation, Ran forgets that he always wanted to have a dog and that his favorite color was never blue, but white and purple.

ii.

Rindou doesn't share his brother's enthusiasm about Aoki.

He doesn't think she's cute, beautiful, or even talented. He has spoken to her before numerous times, and the only thing he remembers is the deep irritation he felt as she spoke in that high-pitched voice of hers that every J-idol claims to have. If she weren't your friend - of a sort - he would never entertain her with his company.

But you are classmates, and you are Rindou's best friend, and he loves you too much to ruin your somewhat good relationship with Aoki.

So when he spots his brother's face with the softest expression he has ever had while he talks to Aoki, Rindou is beyond disgusted. Blame it on alcohol or real physical disturbance from the unfolding scene, but Rindou gets nauseous and, closing his mouth with his hand, retreats to the back of the house in the direction of the beach. All the toilets are occupied anyway.

It's not long after he is done, and the rusty taste fills his mouth, that you appear with a bottle of sparkling water and mints in the pocket of your leather pants. He can see the outline of the box there, and he shoots you a half-smile, knowing well that you stole those from the cupboard in the hall of Ryou's house.

"Are you good?" you ask, squatting down near him. You pass him a bottle of water and watch him as he drinks it to the end.

"Yeah. I am okay," he hums appreciatively and takes a candy from the box. They aren't minty. They are strawberry flavoured. He likes these. "Thank you. You are a real-life angel."

You don't reply. Just nod at him and peer in front of you at the vast darkness where the sea and the sky are one black hole; your eyes are the same.

The music from the house is distant, and it feels as if you and Rindou are somewhere far away from this place, only the two of you in your own little world where no one and nothing can touch you. However, this is not true, and Ran is the one to prove it. If there's someone more worthy of this role for shattering illusions than Ran, Rindou doesn't know them yet.

"I've told you not to mix weed and alcohol," Ran sighs, standing behind you both. He doesn't sit down or come closer, and yet his presence is suffocating.

You turn your head, disappointment written all over your face, and Rindou wonders why it is that you are disappointed. Is it because instead of words of consolation, Ran is quick to assume? Or maybe because you just don't want him here? Or perhaps it's for your own reason that you hide deep in your chest, unknown to him?

You and Ran aren't really friends, but you aren't on bad terms either, nor could your relationship be called neutral. It is whatever it is - the mess, the chaos, and the calm understanding.

"We weren't smoking, Ran." Your lower lip quivers, and your eyes are squinted. Finally, you are disgusted with him, but out of habit, you call him by his name. There's something Rindou knows you won't admit, but you like Ran's name a lot. Otherwise, why would you say it so often? "Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be entertaining your bimbos?"

"Why are you here? Shouldn't you be with your red-haired celebrity?" Ran shoots back, taking a step closer in your direction, and if he wants to be intimidating, it doesn't work on you.

"First of all, Haru's hair is pink. Secondly, he isn't even here. And lastly, are you colourblind, by any chance, Ran? That would explain this atrocious outfit…"

The sentence is never finished because Ran yanks you by the elbow and pinches your arm. Hard. You yelp and barely stand on your wobbly legs that hurt from squatting for too long. Ran steadies you, helping you not to fall down on your ass as he holds each of your arms in his hands. Your eyes meet. Yours furious and his calm but curious.

You open your mouth to say something, probably unpleasant, but Rindou cuts in. "Stop pinching her."

"Okay. I am sorry." Ran still holds you by your arms, his hands warming your cold skin where he touches you. When you scoff and attempt to break free, he doesn't let go. He tugs you closer. "I really am. See."

Fatigue from emptying his stomach only a few minutes earlier returns when Rindou stands up. His vision goes blurry for a second. The world spins around him, and the music and you and Ran are a beautiful smudged carousel. He grounds himself, breathing in and out. In and out. More than anything, he doesn't want to puke again.

But when the world clears, and he sees Ran rubbing soothing gentle circles on the place on your arm where he pinched you, he wishes he puked. It's even worse looking at him being tender with you than dumbstruck by Aoki. With you, it's gut-wrenching.

"You know, Ran, I prefer it more when you are rude to me than whatever this was," you exclaim, but if you were angry before, you aren't now. You break free from him and come to Rindou's side. You take a good look at his face and cupping it, brush long blonde hair away from his eyes, spreading them all the way to the back of his head. "Do you want to go eat something? Maybe ramen? Hm? No. Actually, you should eat ochazuke now, and then we'll get you that vitamin thing from 7-Eleven. Okay? So you won't have a hangover tomorrow."

Rindou is not that drunk. He only had two cans of beer and a shot of vodka. But he doesn't argue with you. After all, he is used to you babying him from time to time. He hated it at first, but hate is nothing more than love that you can't untangle just yet. He nods at you and steals a box of strawberry candies from your pocket, popping one into his mouth. They are indeed nice.

As you leave the party, your arms linked, Ran follows behind you both. He wasn't invited to your little late dinner or early breakfast, but he assumes he is coming because he is the one with the car.

Well, if anything, Ran is quick to assume. iii.

Inside the diner, it's warm, and the air is rich with the smell of delicious food.

You sit beside Rindou on red cushions and watch him eat ochazuke with unagi and nori. Ran is sitting across from you, his plate of shoyu ramen untouched. He's waiting for it to cool down a bit. He claims that hot food never sits well in his stomach. For one reason or another, you don't believe it's true; it's probably another white lie.

In your opinion, Ran is woven with lies—innocent and not. As long as those lies don't harm you, you're fine with them.

The diner you're in is the usual one you always stop by after Ryou's parties. It's small, cheap, and the food is always fresh and tasty. It's in Kanagawa, near Shirahataike Park. If Ran weren't with you and Rindou didn't throw up earlier, you would've asked Rindou to go there and lie down on the grass near the pond, maybe smoke one or two of your specially reserved "Seven Stars" until dawn found you there and it got too cold. He, of course, would have agreed. He always does. It's more of a habit now. A little custom that's only yours.

Out of the blue, Ran asks, "On what days does the dance department practice?"

With a spoon between your lips, you frown. You shoot a quick glance at Rindou and catch how quickly his eyes harden, his mouth becoming a thin line. Oh, so Rindou knows the reason for the question, and while you might not, you have your suspicions.

"So? Who's your next victim, Ran?" you ask and put the spoon down in the bowl with the thick brown broth. You and Ran ordered the same.

"Why victim?" His eyes widen in surprise, and he looks quite comical.

You tilt your head to the side and laugh. Rindou near you is smiling too, but for a different reason than you suppose. "Just tell me who you want to hook up with, and maybe I'll give you her number."

"Actually, you know what? I can just ask myself."

"You sure can," you reply, shrugging your shoulders and in the next minute, you forget all about Ran's question as you turn to Rindou and ask him if he finished that music assignment he was working on. You say that today you talked to Ryou, and he had almost finished his.

The conversation between you and Rindou flows as effortlessly as ever. You discuss your classes, assignments, and even gossip about your mutual friends and people you don't even know the names of. You laugh a lot, and a couple of times, you get too serious, needing a pause before picking up the conversation again. You enjoy these two hours spent at the diner more than you enjoyed the party itself.

When the sky is flushed with pink and blue, you decide to call it a night. Rindou excuses himself to the restroom, and you find yourself with Ran standing on the porch of the ramen shop. It's raining a little, but the air is fresh, smelling of grass and soil. It smells like new beginnings and the meaning of life. You catch yourself thinking that for the first time in a long while, you're truly happy.

Sometimes, life is worth it all.

"Do you like the color blue?"

"What?" You stop swaying on your tiptoes and tuck your hands into the pockets of your jacket. It's mid-April, but still a bit chilly. "Do I like the color blue?"

"Yeah. Do you?"

"Depends on the shade of blue. It can be the happiest or the saddest color in the world. I need to know which shade of blue you mean, Ran." You contemplate it for a moment and then shake your head, quickly adding, "No. I don't think I actually like any color at all. Maybe just white and black."

"Aren't those two colors too?"

Your lips curve into a smile, and you look down at your tabi boots, thrifted from a vintage shop in Nakano. The shop owner told you, it once was his wife’s boots and she got them in Belgium in 1994. It was her favourite pair of shoes, but she died recently and he can’t bring himself to keep them around. He said that he wanted these stupid tabi boots to continue living on and bring happiness to other people even if his own wife was beyond the point of any human emotion.

"No, they aren't, really," you whisper, more to yourself than to Ran. "It's the absence of color that I like. It's like none of them exist."

The rain continues to pour until the afternoon, and then it suddenly stops, as if it was never there.

iv.

Ran had never longed for a girl before.

The feeling is new, and it is unpleasant. He doesn't understand why he keeps thinking about her and why he wants to hear her voice again. The fact that he couldn't remember what they were talking about at the party doesn't matter. Ran never remembers conversations he had with girls. He only remembers Aoki's plump, pink lips and her sweet, pretty eyes.

He needs to see her now. Today.

But unfortunately for him, he doesn't study at your university, and tagging along with Rindou to pick you up after your classes might be suspicious. Besides, Aoki might not even be there.

He doesn't want to ask you about Aoki either. It's stupid, really. He has asked you about multiple girls from your class before, but right now, he feels that asking about precious Aoki might spoil everything. Ran wants everything to be perfect because he thinks he was in love.

Having you as a connection to Aoki is like having no connection at all.

So, he tries the only remedy he knows—sex. And when that only blows off steam for a couple of days, a week at best, he does something he has never done before: he studies.

That's how you found him one day as you stop by their apartment to pick Rindou up so you can have your lunch together. Ran guesses he looks ridiculous in his grey sweatpants and old, loose T-shirt, surrounded by piles of books and handouts. Otherwise, why would you smile at him?

"Didn't know you were such a fan of studying, Ran," you say, dragging his name out and he rolls his eyes at you. If you want to mock him, you need to try harder. "Why don't you join us for lunch? Have you eaten already?"

"Not interested," he replies, not tearing his eyes away from the handouts with case-study before him.

"Oh, really? Too bad. I thought you might want to see Aoki Ogura again."

As Ran lifts his eyes to take a look at your face, to see if you were being serious or messing with him, you aren't there anymore. He catches a glimpse of your back disappearing through Rindou's door and hears his brother cursing at you for scaring him.

You close the door as you get in.

Of course, Ran tails for the lunch with you, and of course, it annoys Rindou.

It's not that he doesn't enjoy hanging out with his brother—he pretty much does, and yet, he prefers having his own circle of friends to himself. You and Haruchiyo were his sacred zone. Only his to enjoy and spend time together with.

With Ran and Aiko and Aiko’s new boyfriend Takeshi, lunch gets awkward. Not because Ran is upset or mad or anything of the sort, but because Aoki gets flustered when she sees Ran and despite bragging to you before that she is so in love with Takeshi - you have told that to Rindou over another lunch on another Sunday - she sits between you and Haruchiyo, leaving Rindou to sit next to her stupid boyfriend.

"How did you two get together?" Ran asks Aoki, his voice dripping with sweetness. He chews on a yellow plastic straw that smells of fresh orange juice. "The last time we saw each other, you were single, or am I wrong?"

Aoki giggles, and her doll-like face turns pink. "We met at the party a week after Ryou's. I thought you would have come. That's why I went."

"Me?" Ran raises his eyebrows and takes a big sip of juice from the glass, ignoring the forgotten straw on the marble table. "Why would I?"

"Probably because I was invited, but I didn't end up going. I heard that party was a huge flop. What happened?" Already tired of the meaningless and obviously flirtatious exchange, Rindou cuts in, shifting Aoki's attention from Ran to him.

The girl sighs and, before replying, cuts a small piece of her vanilla cheesecake and puts it in her mouth, chewing. Pretentious little bitch. "You probably don't know them, but Shota from the second-year oil painting class got into a fight with Rintaro from the first-year dance class. They say Shota's girl cheated on him. Wasn't much of a fight, though."

"Bullshit. I know Rintaro pretty well, and he never laid a finger on that girl."

"Oh, really? I heard they made a tape with her."

"Like a sex tape?"

"Yes. I haven't seen it, but they say it was..."

"Cut the bullshit, Ogura." Haruchiyo is too loud as he defends his friend for the second time. A couple seated nearby turns their heads toward your table, intrigued by the sudden commotion. "It wasn't him in the video."

"You talk like you're familiar with his dick," the smirk on Takeshi’s full lips is not meant to be perceived as a mocking one, Rindou really wants to think it’s not, but before he or either anyone else reacts, you laugh and your laugh is cruel and cold.

"If Haru says it wasn't Rintaro, then it wasn't Rintaro. Why the dick comment?"

"Just joking. Right, baby?" Takeshi shoots a toothy smile at Aoki, who sheepishly nods. Rindou wishes you hadn't invited her to lunch. It should've been just you, him, and Haruchiyo. "But I still find it strange that he's so sure it wasn't him in the video. It was just a guy's dick sliding in and out."

"I've never seen the video."

"So you believe whatever he says?" “Oh, God. It’s annoying.” You whine. You lick your lips and stare straight at Takeshi who is right in front of you. Your eyes are black and endless, bottomless, reminiscent of that party where Rindou threw up, where Ran saw Aoki for the second time, and where this mess began. “So, say, your friend comes to you and says he didn’t do it, but everyone else says he did it. Who do you believe? Your friend or them?

Takeshi doesn't hesitate in his response. "A lot of people can't be wrong, right?"

A small little cloud of air escapes your mouth, and your body that has been strained like a tightrope, is now limp in the chair. You look tired. Rindou wants to ask if you're okay, but he refrains. Besides, you start speaking again, this time not looking at Takeshi but at the blue summer sky above you. "Nah. I think they can be wrong. If Rindou or Haru tell me they didn't do it, that's all I need to know. No one can convince me they did it if they say they didn't. So if Haru says it wasn't Rintaro, then it wasn't fucking Rintaro in the video."

For the rest of the lunch, you don't speak much, and Rindou is concerned. He doesn't like it when you get quiet, as it usually means you're sad. More than anything in this world, Rindou hates it when you crawl inside the small room in your heart and lock the door from the inside. It’s the one place he can never reach.

He will never be there for you. Sure, you love each other, but there are places in you that he won’t ever have an access to. He is not the only one who notices the change in your mood. There’s Haruchiyo who brings you into conversation every chance he gets and smiles at you so brightly you totally find it annoying and then there’s Ran, who hasn't taken his eyes off you, since your little quarrel with Takeshi. It's a Ran, Rindou has never seen before - calm, defenceless, and so very curious. He too isn’t participating in the conversation as much as he was before. Only occasionally when he is directly addressed to would he say something, but other than that he remains silent, vigilant over you. It's as if he's afraid that if he looks away, even for a second, you might slip away from him. The sun is close enough to jump behind the horizon to wake up another part of the world when you stand up from the table. The chair screeches against the pavement as you drag it. The sound is jarring, but the entire street is bathed in gentle golden glow, and to Rindou, you look the most beautiful in this moment, even with sadness resting inside you.

"I think I'll head out. I wanted to practice for the showcase," you say, picking up your bag from the floor. Before Rindou or Haruchiyo can say anything, you wave at them. "No need to walk with me. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Neither of them protests. Both know it won't lead to anything. They give you space when you need it. Around midnight both of them will call you anyway to check if you are still at the campus studio, and if you are, they'll come to pick you up and take you home. They'll both call you around midnight to check if you're still at the campus studio, and if you are, they'll come to pick you up and take you home.

So you bid everyone farewell, leave money on the table, and head on your way.

As Rindou watches you walk down the street, he wishes he could fall in love with you and you with him. Then, everything would be simple, and you wouldn't be sad, and tears wouldn't mar your pretty face.

But this dream will remain just that—a dream, a mere thought in his mind that will never fully bloom.

His little sacred wish.

vi.

No one is at the university, and it's not surprising. It's Sunday, and it's almost summer. Everyone has better things to do.

Even you. You could have stayed with your friends and then invited yourself over to Haru's place and watched a movie with him or maybe read a book in solemn silence, eating homemade sandwiches without cheese. There is never any cheese at his house since he is intolerant, but it doesn't bother you. Not even a little.

Or, you could have gone with Rindou to the cinema and stayed over at his apartment. He would let you take his bed and then complain about a backache the next morning. He'd promise to make Ran buy a more comfortable couch, but the next time you'll visit, it will still be that white sofa they bought at a discount from some local shop in Roppongi. You'll point it out - you always do - and Rindou will say that it's actually quite okay and he just wanted to get your attention. You'll pinch him then.

And, of course, the three of you could've crashed at your place or gone together to the studio where you would've taught them some choreography. Haruchiyo would give up first; he is really stiff when it comes to dancing. But Rindou would surprisingly be good, and you would praise him, making him really happy about it.

But you made your choice, and now you are all alone in the studio, and the sun has already set. You dwell a little bit on what made you so upset earlier, but these thoughts - ugly worms - crack open old, forgotten scars, and they bleed. You don't know how to stop them, so you blast music at full volume and dance.

Dance is your sanity, your method of salvation, and your coping strategy. You dance and dance, and you don't stop until it hurts to breathe, and only then do you collapse onto the floor. The hundreds of you in the ceiling-to-floor mirrors do the same. They smile at you and they were smiling as you were dancing, and you suppose you did too, but unfortunately you can’t remember it, and therefore, it never happened.

The door cracks open while you're lying on the floor. You don't turn around to see who it is. Somehow, you know it's him.

It's Ran.

"Is purin daifuku your favorite, or did I mess up, and you won't let me stay?"

Food as a bargain is a bit outdated. For Ran it’s even quite a bit lame. You don't buy it, not for a single second. Because Ran himself is a white lie, a spider web of confusion [in which he pulls you in].

The heavy iron door doesn't make a sound as he shuts it behind him, and you gently close your eyes. Your eyelids fall as they would if you had fallen asleep in your tiny rented apartment in Nippori. It's an act of surrender, almost as if you're giving him the reins, but you doubt he understands it, and so it's alright.

The bags in his hands rustle, and you catch a slight smell of tuna. What has he brought? And why? The second question is the most important, so that's what you ask.

"What do you want? Aoki won't come today or ever. She doesn't practice much."

"Who said I came for her?" Ran counters, and you hear him settling down next to you. You hear the bag being ripped open and try to predict his moves. It's a silly game, but you let yourself indulge in it. You imagine him taking out the food and sitting in a lotus pose to your left. Does he glance at you? Only briefly. There's nothing new or exciting for him to see.

You'll never know if you're right in your guessing game, and you're not very interested. There's no prize to it, anyway.

"You didn't?"

"No. I came to see you."

You sigh, and his indirect lie makes you take a deep breath before opening your eyes and rolling your head to the side, so you can have a good look at him. "Don't lie to me, Ran. There's no point. Just tell me what you want."

He stops whatever he was doing, and his face, so uncharacteristically gentle in this moment, shows surprise. "What would I want from you? There's literally nothing I need from you. I just came here to see you. That's all."

His words are both hurtful and pleasant. Ran Haitani is a duality of a man. He is both white and black. The absence and richness in one body.

You sigh again, this time more disappointed, and leaning your body on your palms, you sit in the same pose as Ran. He still looks at you, his gaze unwavering and searching. A question seems to be on the tip of his tongue, but his lips pressed into a thin line keep it at bay. Only when you look down, your mouth falling open, your eyes widening in awe, does he continue the task of taking the food out of the bag.

"You clearly want something. It's my favorite food. Everything here is what I like."

"So you do like purin daifuku?"

"I do." You nod, reaching out for the bag of caramel corn chips. The flavour is almond caramel, your favourite. "Did Rindou tell you to come here?"

"No. He doesn't even know I came to see you. He's staying over at Akashi's today." He takes out a pair of wooden chopsticks and shoves them your way. A plate of the finest sashimi sits between the two of you. "Stop acting like that. You make me regret coming here. Doesn't my brother spoil you?"

"It's Rindou. Of course, he does." You fall silent as you break the glued-together chopsticks into two pieces. Ran does the same. "It's just different when you do it. Until last year, I thought you didn't even know my name."

"You're being stupid, you know? Of course, I always knew your name." He shakes his head and laughs, and the insult he directed at you a moment ago doesn't feel like an insult at all. Just a little teasing, nothing more. And that’s why you don’t bite back.

Silence envelops you as you eat. No one comes to the studio, and you hear nothing other than the sound of you and Ran chewing. He doesn't speak much, only praising the food he brought and mentioning that he got the sashimi from his favourite restaurant in Roppongi. He promises to tell Rindou to take you there, and he promises to come along. You tell him that you hope he's good with promises because the sashimi is really good, and you wouldn't mind having it again.

But when, after some time, you ask him again why he's here, he merely hums and ignores the question.

"Aoki asked me about you a few weeks ago. We don't share many classes, and we aren't friends, but she knows Rindou is my best friend. So she asked me about you when she saw me." It's another silly guessing game. This time, you try to pinpoint the reason for him being there with you, and if it's not about Aoki, then you're lost. Gladly, there won't be any retributions; just as there won't be any prizes. "She told me she spoke to you at Ryou's party and that she thought you might have liked her, so she asked me to link you two because she liked you too. I told her she should come for lunch with us. She never mentioned she had a boyfriend, though. And then..."

"I liked what you said to him back at the cafe."

"Didn't you hear what I just said, Ran?"

"I did. Did you hear what I said?" On his lips is a playful smile, but his eyes are relaxed and drowsy, and he is looking at you as if seeing you for the very first time. It might be it, but you won’t ask why he saw you only now and he won’t ever say it.

"Yeah, I did. We need to clean everything up here and get going. It's probably around ten now."

He agrees, and together you collect the trash and leftover food. The unfinished snacks and greasy chopsticks go into the paper bag with the restaurant's name on it. For some reason, you fixate on it, trying to commit the name to memory, repeating it over and over in your head.

Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi. Fukuzushi.

Retreating into your thoughts won't help you, just as it never had before, and certainly not now, not with Ran, who can access every sacred part of you.

You can't hide from him. He'll find you.

"Can I come to your place? I don't want to go home to an empty apartment just yet. It's completely fine if you say no. I'll understand."

"Don't be silly, Ran. Why not? I'd be bored at home alone too."

You're always before him.

vii.

It's his first time in your apartment, yet it feels like he's been here before.

Even though he knows very well that he hasn't.

There's no recollection of your old worn-out black leather couch, mahogany table, or the floor-to-ceiling bookshelf that stands half-empty, most of the books lying on the floor near it instead of being placed on the shelves. He can't remember the two bar stools near the kitchen island, and he definitely shouldn't recognise your bedroom, the only separate room in your apartment.

And yet, he does.

The sound of water splashing across the tiles doesn't drown out your singing, and as Ran traces his fingers across every single object in your house, he listens to your voice, which somehow feels familiar to him too. Maybe it's what they call deja-vu, or perhaps it's a sense of belonging. It's peculiar and it's strange, and too difficult for him to comprehend, so he locks it in the back of his mind.

While waiting for you to come out from the shower, he occupies himself with a book that was lying on the kitchen island. It has a bookmark inside - a polaroid picture of his brother's smiling face. Rindou is being hugged from behind by you, your body looming over him. Your head is tilted down, so he can't make out your expression, but he has a hunch you were both smiling. You always smile around Rindou.

Ran has always wondered why the two of you aren't dating. He asks you just that as you're making cherry tea for both of you in the kitchen.

Before answering, you roll your eyes at him. "We don't see each other in that way. I mean… No. I can imagine dating him, but I don't see it leading us anywhere. I love Rindou too much to risk losing him, and I don't really love him in that romantic way. You know what I mean."

Love is a foreign concept to Ran, and even now that he thinks he might be in love with Aoki, he doesn't believe he understands what you mean. To him, love is love. It either exists in you or it doesn’t. You either feel it for someone or you don't. With all these ways and methods, you're just overcomplicating something that shouldn't be difficult in the first place. "What about Haru then?"

"Haru?" You place a white mug with tea in front of him. It smells really good - sweet and pleasant, somehow just like you. "We kissed once, but we were really drunk, and it was a bet. It didn't feel like anything. I doubt Haru even remembers it."

"Have you kissed Rindou then too?"

"No." As if deeply offended, you frown at Ran, then hop onto a bar stool and look to your right at the dark window, its reflection showing the compact room you're in. He might be imagining things, but he swears you're looking at him through the reflection. "I would never. Anyway, don't you want to know what else Aoki said to me about you?"

Ran licks his lips, not responding immediately. He watches you, observing your gaze fixed on the room's reflection, and takes a sip of the tea. The tea is hot and a big gulp he takes burns his throat. "This tea is delicious. Where did you get it from?" When you turn your head, and he meets your eyes - empty, sad, and meaningful - it startles him. He adds, "No, I don't want to talk about her at all."

"I'm sorry. I thought you might want to know what else she said to me." You tilt your head, offering him a smile. In this moment, you remind him of something he once lost. It's a huge relief knowing he won't ever need to search for it again. "You can stay the night if you want. You look really sleepy, Ran. It probably won't be safe for you to drive."

"Can I take a shower then?"

"Yes, and I probably have some of Rindou's sweats lying around. You can sleep in them if you'd like."

Ran chuckles, standing up. The tea is nearly finished, and his throat, still tingling from the burn, makes him aware of its warmth. "Do you have a lot of Rindou's clothes here?"

"A couple of sweatpants, t-shirts, and his contact lenses."

He nods, more to himself than to you, making a mental note to ask his brother why he doesn't date you.

You seem like a really nice girl.

The sky is black when Ran wakes up in your bed, his arms and legs tangled in your sheets. Your scent, sweet and fresh, envelops him, and he takes a deep breath, letting the air stay in his lungs for as long as he can. He prefers his own bed with its silky appearance and soft mattress, but yours isn’t half as bad. He doesn’t regret staying.

You aren't beside him as you promised you'd be in a few hours after reading your book. You said you didn't mind sharing the same bed. You said you and Rindou always shared the bed when necessary.

You said, you said, you said.

To him, it doesn't matter much where you'd sleep – in your bed or on that monstrosity of a sofa. What matters, and stings, is that you said you would come, and you still aren't here. His eyes barely open as he shifts and turns to the right, spotting a small patch of light coming from the living room [which isn't just a living room but also a kitchen and a hallway].

Peeling the creamy comforter off himself, Ran yawns and gets up. His body, still warm from sleep, stiffens immediately when met with the cool air. The window in the room is open, and he swears under his breath, not recalling whether it was him who didn't close it or you who opened it after he fell asleep.

His feet on the wooden floor, he takes one step and then another, and soon you are before him. You stir a bit, as if annoyed by his presence, your fingers clutching the book tighter as if afraid it might be snatched away from you. Your sudden hostility doesn't deter him, and he rubs his eyes as he mumbles, his voice deep and groggy, "What time is it?"

The night is deep and dark when he notices your glossy eyes and wet cheeks. The reflection on the window, one he got used to, isn't there anymore. Only an eternal void, an absence of everything. You once told him you like black and white because they aren't really colours, because it was like they don’t even exist. He didn't retort back then, but now he knows better than that.

Black and white are the brightest, and you exist in them.

"What's wrong?" Ran suppresses another yawn. Sleep still lingers on the tip of his tongue, in the corners of his mind.

As expected, you don't say anything. You're like a statue of melted ugly wax, yet to Ran, you're incredibly beautiful.

He needs to know what upset you. [So it won’t ever again].

"Is the book sad?" he asks, sitting on the floor next to your bare legs.

"No, it's not," you whisper, closing your eyes. More tears escape, and Ran catches them with his outstretched palm. Your quivering lips and salty cheeks make you look too innocent between his hands. "I think I made it sad."

"You made it sad? How?"

"Because it's a nice book about people living their lives and being happy. But all I could think about was how mundane and ordinary it was, and I couldn't understand why they were so happy. Then I thought that I, too, lead the same life. It's a never-ending cycle of the same things." A sob tears away from your chest and comes alive. Ran's heart breaks a little. He doesn't know why. He doesn't have time to ponder why. "Ran. Am I thinking too much into it?"

"I don't think so. No." He shakes his head and, with the last wipe of his fingers across your cheeks, stands up. "Not really. But I don't think your life is all that ordinary."

"You don't think so?" You sound expectant and hopeful. His heart cracks a bit more.

"I don't think so." Gently, he takes the book from you and slips his hand into yours. Your hand is cold. "You're studying to be a professional dancer, Rin is your best friend, and that 'red guy' is almost a celebrity. And now you're going to sleep in the same bed with your best friend's brother. Now, tell me, how is this an ordinary life?"

This makes you laugh. The ice is melting, and the darkness recedes.

Soon, it will be dawn.

He helps you stand up, holding you by your hands, and together you return to the bedroom. He lets you take the side of the bed closest to the wall. You hesitate for a moment, but then you slip under the creamy blanket, your head and body disappearing beneath it. Now it's his turn to laugh. You remind him of Rindou. He used to do the same thing when he was little, back when they were poor and lived in their old apartment, sharing a bed because that and the broken table was all they had.

The memory itself isn't bad, but it's sad, and the nostalgia it carries isn't to Ran's taste. Your sheets still hold his warmth, providing a welcoming feeling. He tugs at the comforter and lifts it off you. "Don't hide. Wanna see you."

"Do you often sleep with girls?" Your cheeks are tear stained and they shine under the forgotten light of the lamp still on in the living room.

Ran turns, lying on his side to face you. Your hot breath grazes his mouth, carrying scents of cherry tea and summer and something salty. "Are you asking about sleeping as in sex, or sleeping as in just sharing a bed?"

"Sleeping as in just sharing a bed. Like what we're doing now."

He doesn't notice you reaching out to undo his braids and when he finally does, he stops breathing, taken aback by the unexpected yet pleasant sensation. He lets you continue, because, contrary to what he might expect, it feels good – almost caring – like someone finally cared enough to untie his long hair so his head wouldn't hurt in the morning.

"You'll be the first," he breathes out, his eyes half-closed as he watches your fingers dance through his hair. If not for the complete silence that reigns in your apartment, you probably wouldn't hear his words at all.

But he's mistaken, and you prove him wrong. "In moments like this, doesn't it feel like we're the only people in the world? Like it's just us and this apartment, and nothing more?"

"It does." He easily agrees.

You hum in response and he can sense that you are far far away from him, already hopping on to your next thought, pondering over something that he doesn’t understand or maybe doesn’t want to. He wants to bring you back to him, so he nuzzles into the crook of your neck, his nose grazing your sensitive skin, and your goosebumps become his. He smiles, leaving traces of his happiness – ordinary or not – on you, and you return to the real world, freed from the constraints of your mind.

"Good night, Ran. I'll make us breakfast in the morning."

"And I'll take you out for coffee after breakfast."

"Thank you."

He wants to ask what for, but the sky will soon turn blue and he doesn’t want that. He wants this night to carry on forever.

With his arms around your waist, he falls asleep.

viii.

"Hey, Rin, I've got a question, but promise me you won't get mad."

The black sports bag sitting on the unmade bed contains sneakers, two t-shirts, sweats, and a large white towel. In fifteen minutes, he should be out of the house to catch the bus to the gym and meet up with Kakucho on time. Missing the bus would mean being half an hour late. Kakucho, of course, will wait for him, but then later today he promised you he’ll take you out for ice-cream.

Unlike Kakucho, however, you wouldn't wait, and to pick you up from the dance studio on campus without delay, he couldn't afford to miss the bus that would take him to the gym.

Ten more minutes. He needs to put on his shoes.

"So?"

In the doorway to his room, leaning against the doorframe, stands Ran. He's not wearing a t-shirt, and his hair is disheveled, with a sleepy look on his annoyingly handsome face. He probably just woke up.

"What do you want?" Rindou doesn't mean to be rude, but he's in a rush, and Ran has a tendency to take his sweet time with everything.

"I told you. I have a question for you."

"Yeah? I'm listening."

Rindou zips up the bag and strides over to his brother, heading straight for the door. He grabs a pair of blue Adidas and sits on the floor to put them on. Ran follows closely behind him.

"It's about your best friend."

"What about her?" The bus, the gym, and Kakucho are forgotten. Rindou tenses up. Everything that comes out of Ran's mouth is tainted. He stares at the laces on his sneakers, hands momentarily frozen. "What do you want to know?" “Do you like her?” “Why?” Finally, Rindou raises his head up. Ran towers over him. Hands locked on his chest. Not an ounce of usual laziness in his curious waiting eyes.

"Just curious. You seem close, and she's a really nice girl. Why haven't you two started dating?"

Five more minutes. If he’d be late, you’ll mask your sadness by your anger, and the world will turn bitter.

The best option right now would be to lie to Ran. To say, I'm sorry, I'll be late. We'll talk about it later. To come up with some nonsensical excuse and make him believe it. To protect you.

Rindou does nothing of that. He sees his brother's expectant face and takes a deep breath, knowing that he'll tell the truth. He holds out his hand, and Ran reaches out to him, allowing Rindou to steady himself, pulling him to his feet.

"I wish I liked her, but I love her. And love is never simple, is it? We're better off as friends. I care about her too much to risk spoiling our friendship."

"Oh, I see." An appreciative, contented hum escapes Ran's thin lips. "Maybe you're just… Anyway, forget I asked anything. Are you going to the gym? Tell Kaku I said hello."

Maybe you just... what? But Rindou doesn't ask. He nods, waves at his brother, and with his gym bag in hand, rushes out of the house. Down the stairs and onto the street.

He watches the bus pass by a few meters away from the bus stop.

ix.

The cigarette between your fingers carries the scent of tobacco and vanilla.

You hate smoking and yet you bring the cigarette to your lips and inhale the bitter sweetness into your lungs. It awakens your cloudy mind and burns your body from the inside. You are a room full of pale smoke and hate it all you want, there’s nothing you can really do about this nasty habit of yours.

You hate dancing too and yet you dance every single day. That’s the irony of it all, you think. Being doomed to doing what you hate for the rest of your life. Making it your legacy and descending into the abyss of eternity with it.

You despise dancing at parties, yet you find yourself dancing every single day anyway. The irony isn't lost on you. Being trapped in doing something you detest for the rest of your life. Making it your legacy and descending into the abyss of eternity with it.

The music has turned down, but your head still throbs with every thought. It's painful, but this particular hurt feels borderline nice and relaxing. Almost like returning home after a long day of dance practice – utterly exhausted, yet content. You hum along to the rhythm, shifting in the corner of a bright red velvet sofa. You can't recall whose house you're in right now; it was one of Haruchiyo's friends, but he has too many for you to remember them all.

"Care to explain why the eldest Haitani can't take his eyes off you today?" Talk of the devil, and he is sure to appear. Even though Haruchiyo is more like an angel. With his sweet pink hair and easy smile, he settles on the back of the sofa, leaning against you. His voice sounds as soothing as a cat's purr. "Girls are furious with you. Overheard a few of them calling you names."

You don’t need to turn around and see his bloodshot eyes to know that he is high. Rindou, who's not in sight, is probably stoned as well. They often smoke together, and if you hadn't been late today, you might have joined them. But you're not, and it leaves you feeling incredibly sad. You hate being sober when they are not.

"Don't be silly, Haru." You extinguish the cigarette in a handcrafted clay ashtray, the color an unappealing cheap purple. Oddly, you want to take it home.

"I'm not being silly!" He whines, making an irrational turn before finally settling on the sofa next to you. Under his weight it sinks down. Suddenly, the apartment feels aged. "He's been staring at you since you arrived, and I actually spotted you two on campus the other day. What's happening between you?"

"Nothing. What could be happening between me and Ran?"

In the adjacent room – the kitchen – a bottle crashes to the ground and shatters, followed by a cacophony of loud noises. A few girls scream, their high-pitched voices drowning out the electronic music. Haruchiyo pays no attention to this minor disturbance. He slips his hand into yours, intertwining your fingers, and rests his head on your shoulder. Despite his inebriation from weed and alcohol, he smells pleasant.

"Dunno. I just wanted to warn ya to be careful, and Rin's been suspicious too. Says Ran’s been weird about you lately."

"Oh."

People come and go, and you follow them with weary eyes, attempting to deduce how much they've had to drink or their field of study based on their attire. A silly little game to distract yourself.

You want to go home, but you can't bring yourself to leave.

"He's just hung out at my place a few times. Maybe more. And we've been hanging out, spending some time alone together. Just the two of us." You finally admit, and when Haruchiyo doesn't stop playing with your fingers, nor does he falter, you know he won't judge you.

He is your safe haven.

"Did you fuck?"

"Oh my god, Haru! No." You exclaim, and he erupts in laughter. His joyful chuckles spread happiness throughout your being.

"Rin's older brother is quite the catch. I wouldn't blame you if you did fuck him. If I were you, I definitely would've." Haruchiyo yelps when you pinch him, but then he grabs the hand you attacked him with and edges closer to you. His gray eyes soften as they meet yours. "I won't tell Rin. Don't worry."

Moments like this make you forget all the hatred, and you come to appreciate cigarettes, smoking, dancing, plum cakes, ironies, hot days, and the bitter aftermath. Most of all, you love Haru and his gentle nature. You kiss him on the nose, a small peck, an offering of lost affection. His face lights up with smiles, his cheeks flushed with either alcohol, humidity, or simply your presence.

"You're the best, Haru," you whisper to him, and he nods in response. He never accepts compliments easily. Then you add, "Let's go find Rindou. I miss him."

In the end, you don't get up from the sofa, and it's Rindou who eventually discovers you both in each other's arms.

The air in the small ramen shop near Waseda University is heavy with the scent of pork broth, and Ran wrinkles his nose in disgust.

"Don't make such a face. This place has the best ramen in Shinjuku." The machine with different water stained stickers makes a loud noise and the automat lady says something incomprehensible. Shion turns around and with a happy face shoves tickets into Ran’s chest. "I’ve gotta go take a leak or I’m pissing myself right here.”

Before Shion disappears behind a grey curtain that Ran thinks was originally white, he turns back briefly. "Kakucho should be here in about five minutes. Let him know I've already paid."

Generosity isn't exactly Shion's strong suit, but today he'd received a perfect score on one of his projects and wanted to celebrate with his favourite ramen and favourite people – or so he claimed. Ran doubted this particular ramen shop was truly Shion's favourite, but since he had said it was the best in Shinjuku and Ran was too tired to drive somewhere else, they'd settled on staying nearby. As for the sentiment, it probably wasn't genuine either.

The interior isn't crowded. A few waitresses – pretty young girls around Ran's age – and an elderly man engrossed in his newspaper occupy the space. There's a half-empty glass on his table with cloudy yellow liquid; obviously sake. Ran ponders whether he's ever drunk this early in the day, but he can't recall such a memory. He's chosen to keep a clear mind since he and Rindou have been on their own.

You never know what might happen next. And that's something Ran dislikes about life. He prefers to be in control, but with how things flow you can never be. Nothing depends solely on you.

So when the door opens, and you enter the ramen shop with Kakucho and a short girl who strongly resembles your best friend – yours and Rindou's red-haired companion – Ran's throat tightens. Conflicting emotions surge within him. On one hand, he's genuinely thrilled to see you here. When you both woke up in your apartment this morning – where he had stayed the night, once again – he hadn't had the time to take you out for coffee, and this deviation from your usual post-sleepover routine had left an aching void in his chest. [Rindou would probably say he's being overly dramatic, but fortunately, Rindou will never be privy to this particular struggle.] On the other hand, he wishes you weren't here, in this damned cramped space, where everything smells a little bit too much.

He can already envision loving stares Shion will cast upon you, and he hates it so much he wishes you'd disappear. And he wants you to stay. He wants you to consciously choose a seat next to him and he wants you to talk only to him and don’t spare a glance for anyone else.

He wants you.

The revelation dawns on him suddenly, and his eyes widen. He's surprised, and there's sadness and anger swirling within him. His heart is tender, though, as you lift your head and grace him with a small smile. He nearly forgets where he is.

"You didn't tell me Ran was here. You said we were coming to see your friends." If not for the playful undertone in your voice, someone might think you were chastising Kakucho.

"You two know each other?"

You scoff, offering Ran an amused glance. "Of course we do."

"How would she know you but not me? I should be the one surprised that you two know each other."

An unexpected edge tinges Kakucho, and he frowns, subsiding. The girl beside him bites her lip, a reproachful look in her eyes, and mumbles something Ran thankfully can't hear. But you, you smile broadly and settle into the seat next to him [just as he wanted you to]. You toss your bag at your feet and place your hand on his thigh. "I actually agree with Ran. It'd be strange for me to know you and not him. Do you know how much Rindou complains to me about him?"

Your teasing stings, and Ran rolls his eyes, playfully pinching you on the soft skin near your thumb. You squint, gritting your teeth, and he quickly presses his fingers over the irritated area, soothing the discomfort he caused. "Sorry. Didn't mean to be so harsh."

"You're insufferable. If I'd known you were here, I would've turned down Kakucho's invitation to come."

This hurts. Even as a joke it does and Ran releases your hand with a flick. "You're such a liar, ba…" A sudden cough interrupts him from adding a pet name and he frowns, turning his head to its source. It turns out to be the short blonde girl – the one he momentarily forgot was present.

"Akashi Senju," she says, offering him a small hand. "I'm her friend and Haruchiyo's sister."

"Senju also studies at Waseda, just like you. She's a first-year student," you add, grinning at your friend. "Anyway, aren't you hungry? You said you were starving."

The second you stand from your chair, Ran's mood darkens. He stares at your back, noting that you've changed since the morning, now wearing different jeans. He prefers the ones you had on earlier. These are a bit too low-rise for his taste, and the color doesn't sit right with him either. Did you practice at the studio and change into a new outfit? Or perhaps you came back home after your morning class and specifically changed for your meeting with Akashi?

"Don't bother asking me anything. I'm not in the mood," Ran says, noticing Kakucho's smug expression. "Oh, and Shion has paid for your ramen. Don't order anything."

"I wasn't planning to."

To what Kakucho is referring is a mystery Ran won’t entertain himself solving. For now, he has another thing to settle and that thing is his own melting heart.

He knocks on your door that same evening after dropping you out just hours before. The ride home from the ramen shop was silent for most part and your home was the first stop. He didn’t say goodbye as you silently closed the door wishing to see everyone soon again. And he didn't allow himself a pleasure of a biting remark – one that had been simmering on his tongue since Shion let out an unnecessary whistle upon meeting you – to slip and pierce through his friend.

Both boys and the Akashi girl had asked to be dropped off at Nakano Station, which was relatively close to your apartment. Ran hadn't argued and hadn't offered anything in response. He is a mess and all he needs to calm down is you and your annoyingly good cherry tea. You made it every single time he was over.

So when he knocks on your door carrying two bags with a chicken logo – from a small restaurant he spotted on his way back that claimed to serve the best karaage – and a box full of glazed donuts from an American coffeehouse chain, he hopes you'll allow him another cup of tea.

"I knew you'd come," you say, stepping aside to let him in. "What did you bring? Oh! I love that place! Give me that, and go sit down. I'll grab the plates and everything."

But he doesn't sit. He follows you into the kitchen, observing as you tear into the bags, too impatient to untie knots. He smiles at your little quirks and habits. By now, he believes he knows you well. All the small details, bumps and preferences that are arranged in such a way, they make you. You are a thousand myriads of memories, of happiness and of never ending dark night and he wants to conquer every single one.

He wants you.

When you reach for two plates, he steps closer and wraps his arms around you, his hands over yours, he guides them to your chest. In this close proximity, he can smell the lingering fragrance of your shower gel and soap on your skin. He traces his lips over the damp skin of your neck, planting a soft kiss just under your ear.

"Were you planning on going out today?" he asks, not moving a single centimetre away. "You smell so good."

"No. I told you I knew you'd drop by, so I took a shower earlier. You always look so bored when I leave you alone while I'm showering."

He smiles into your skin and playfully nips it, licking the pain away immediately. He wants you, and he wants you to know it. He wants everyone else to know that you're wanted by him too. A purple mark blooms on your skin, and you tremble, your hands gripping his arms.

"Why are you so good to me? For me," he leans his head on yours and kisses the crown of your head, pulling you even closer to him.

"Ran."

"Tell me."

You wait a second. Two. Three. More. Your breath quickens and he feels your heart pounding against his own, and he closes his eyes in an attempt to steady himself, to find some stability amidst the chaos that is you.

Somehow, he senses that whatever you're about to say won't be pleasant, which is perhaps why he doesn't rush you or urge you to continue. Instead, he litters your head and neck with kisses, communicating his love.

"You don't really like me, Ran, do you? You like Aoki."

Your fingers are entwined with his, and he can't recall who initiated it. You or him.

"Bullshit. I barely remember her most days until you bring her up. Just what did she tell you? We never had anything going on."

"Maybe. But you don't like me. You like her, and that's why we shouldn't."

His kisses come to a halt. He gently turns you around to face him, searching your face. You don't appear sad or disappointed or disheartened. Maybe a little flustered and your eyes shine a different way. He cups your face in his hands, his thumbs caressing your cheeks.

"Bullshit."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You're a terrible liar, Ran."

He scoffs. "I'm not. I am a good liar, but I am not lying to you when I say I want you. I need you. You are the one for me." "Then can we agree on one thing, Ran?" You take the hair ties out of his braids, your fingers deftly working to undo them.

"Anything you want."

"If we do this, can we agree not to kiss? At least until you figure out how you truly feel about me."

"That's ridiculous. What else? Should I take you from behind so we don't have to see each other's faces?" He is irritated, but not mad. Yet.

"Don't be crude. No, I just don't want to kiss you when you have feelings for someone else. I don't want to get too attached. I don’t kiss people without feelings." Your hands run through his hair, and he melts into the sensation. You're his solace, his sanctuary. He can't understand how you fail to see that.

"Please, Ran. It's more for me than for you, and I'm sorry."

He sighs, his thumb brushing over your lips. He had been looking forward to kissing you. Ran loves to kiss. But patience is often rewarded, right? Or something along those lines. It doesn't matter.

One day, he's sure he'll get to kiss you. He knows it.

"It's stupid, but alright. I'll kiss you when I'm certain I love you," he says, pressing his lips to the soft skin of your forehead. "I don't understand why I can't kiss you now, though, but anything for you. If it will make you feel better then okay.”

I'll do anything for you.

Damp beige sheets are scattered in the corner of the room near the door. The entire space is filled with the scent of sex and the nighttime city, and Ran never wants to leave. He feels at home.

His grey t-shirt you are wearing stands out on the clean black sheets you spread out a little before. You're lying on the bed with your limbs stretched out, your body still sensitive and trembling. The pose reminds him of starfish, and he bites back a laugh, his eyes twinkling with delight.

"Ran!" You roll your head to the side, propping yourself up and adjusting the pillow on the headboard to make yourself comfortable. You do the same for him, and his heart swells, yet again, for what feels like the millionth time and beyond this evening. "Are you laughing at me?"

"No. Why would I?" He places two bowls of karaage and rice – one for each of you – on the bed and slides under the blanket. Your bare thigh brushes against his hip. He isn’t wearing much. Just his boxers. And if he isn’t mistaken you too aren’t wearing anything except for his t-shirt.

“Don't know. You were just all smiles when I turned my head.”

He doesn’t grace you with a response, because just for this once he wants you to find the answer yourself. He wants you to read it in the depths of his eyes, in the creases that form beneath them, and in the glow of his lips. Lips you didn't get to kiss today. The chicken and rice are cold, but the food is still good and he has been starving ever since he got up from the bed and took you to the shower. You had been hazy and sensitive, his cum on your thighs and belly, and when the water was hitting your body it seemed like it was hurting you more than bringing you relief. He asked you if it was true, but you just nudged him closer, holding him close with your arms tightly wrapped around his waist. He'd carefully washed you clean.

"What's on your mind, Ran?" you ask, your chopsticks poised between your fingers. "Oh, wait, don't tell me. Let me guess."

As you contemplate your guess, your eyes scrutinize his face, and he notices every small change it makes.. How your lips quiver after you lick them clean. How your eyes narrow as you attempt to focus on him. How you fidget with the wooden chopsticks, transferring them from one hand to the other. How you look flushed and innocent and so incredibly young and beautiful. How you now forever have him as a part of you.

You sigh, your shoulders rising and falling gently. Your bowl is only half-empty, and he guesses that you probably aren’t the type to get hungry after sex. "Are you thinking about sex? Or maybe Rindou? Oh, no, wait! Maybe you're craving that dessert you love. What was it called? Rindou once made me get it for you because he said you were mad at him and it was the only thing that could save his life."

"How do Rin, sex, and my favorite dessert all fit together?" Ran sets his now-empty bowl aside and takes yours, which you kindly offer him to finish. "It doesn't really make sense."

"Your expression. You looked like you were thinking about something you really eally love."

So fucking innocently curious. So naively observant. So so so. Ran tries to grab what arises in his chest and what burns his throat, but he can’t, so he swallows and reaches out for you instead. Nestled in his arms, you fit perfectly, and he nuzzles his nose in your neck, which now carries the scent of him. He's never shared this level of intimacy with the girls he's been with before, but with you, it's different. With you, he can sense his imprints all over your body, just as he knows you've marked yourself onto him.

"Could you make me some of that cherry tea in the morning?" he murmurs into your skin. He senses a slight flinch as you're tickled, and to make amends, he places a soft little kiss there.

Your embrace tightens around him. "Were you thinking about my cherry tea?"

"Well, if you put it that way... yeah, I guess I was. Will you make it for me when we wake up?"

In this moment, in your bed, bodies entwined under warm blankets, Ran lies to you for the first time. And you both understand he's doing so. You both know he wasn't really thinking about cherry tea, but rather you.

And yet, no matter how terrifying it is, you comply, you choose to believe him and say, "Yeah, I will. Of course I will."

xi.

Rindou has a suspicion you are hiding something from him and he is determined to find out what. He is all in for secrets and mysteries, but not from you. When it comes to you he is greedy and he wants to know everything. So if you get hurt he will know whom to punch and what words to say to make the wound they inflicted upon you sting less.

Rindou, who has always been protected by Ran, loves to be protective of you. It’s a self-assigned role of a big brother he never was to anyone that he cherishes too much. But no matter how many times he has hinted - too bluntly - for you to pour your heart out to him, you simply don’t say what he wants to hear. He gets desperate and when one day he is high with Sanzu in his apartment, he asks him if he noticed it too. Your strange behaviour and how lately you’ve been smelling different. Like something too familiar and close to him.

In his typical manner, Sanzu laughs it off. He promises Rindou that there’s nothing to worry about, cause if you’d wanted to tell them you would’ve. And if not, then you will tell them later. You all are best friends and you will be so until the end of your days. A little trust, Rin, never hurt anybody.

There’s nothing left for him, but to agree, and yet the smell on your skin stays and in the next days all Rindou can is to get familiar with it since now it’s part of you.

The rumours that you slept with a college professor for the main stage in the showcase spreads around not so long after.

Rindou punches a guy who he overhears saying it in the cafeteria and almost gets detention for breaking university’s principles. But it doesn’t stop him from beating that guy up again. This time he is smarter. He does it outside of the school.

Knuckles bloody and torn he feels alive.

He isn’t that much surprised when he finds out it was Aoki who started this nasty lie about you.

After all, you’ve always been rivals.

“That was stupid, Rin.” You murmur sitting on the floor of their apartment. His hand rests in yours, a warm dead weight. The cotton ball soaked with vodka - they didn’t have any first aid kit at home - glides across his scraped skin. Despite you speaking gently, your movements are precise and harsh. You obviously are a bit mad or maybe sad and worried. “You know I don’t care what they say.” The alcohol stings his skin more than your words. He closes his eyes. “But I do. I can’t just brush it off if they call my best friend a whore right to my face.”

“He didn’t see you,” you observe, quickly glancing at him, before returning to your task.

“What a pity.” “Will he live?” you tear the gauze in two and wrap it around Rindou’s knuckles tying in with a pretty bow. He thinks it’s a bit excessive and he doesn’t really need something to cover up the wound, but he lets you tend to him. He likes it a bit too much to deny it.

The water in the bathroom stops running and for a second it’s eerily quiet in the apartment. The only noise comes from honking cars - might be someone parking for too long - and people loudly laughing right under their building - might be a student couple that rents a flat above Haitani’s. Life never stops even when it stills for you. The world is wheeling around and around and around.

"What's with the hospital? What happened?" Veiled by his thoughts Rindou doesn’t notice his brother coming out of the bathroom. With Ran beside you looking at his hands, the world speeds up; Rindou subconsciousness suffers. “Hey, Rin! What happened?”

Without your permission he can’t tell the truth. He won’t dare to spill that ugly rumour about you and he won’t - everything inside him riot against this nasty lie - even say it outloud if you don’t want him to. Even to his brother.

Rindou’s loyalty is his doom. “Rindou fought the guy who he caught saying I slept with mister Okamoto for the main role in the showcase.” There’s not a hinge of bitterness or resentment in you as you answer Ran’s question.

Rindou wants to smack you. He wants you to be more serious about yourself. He hates that you aren’t and he is surprised when Ran is.

“Why would someone say that about you?”

“Jealousy, I guess. It’s going to be the second year I am the lead.” You stand up from the floor and take the open bottle of vodka along with the remaining gauze and cotton balls to the kitchen. “Honestly, Ran, it’s just a stupid rumour. Why even bother? People are gonna talk anyway.”

“No. If we’ll make them, they won’t,” Ran retorts, going after you and Rindou can’t help, but turn around and peek out from the corner to get a better view. “Don’t roll your eyes at me. I am being serious. Don’t let them come at you for something you didn’t do.”

“Yeah. You worked hard to be the lead. Don’t let them take it away from you.”

The simple truth is the hardest to swallow, and you almost crumble under its pressure. It's obvious to Rindou that you didn't like what the wind was carrying around the university's halls. Maybe it really didn't bother you that much, but it still soured your sweet success. He wished he could've helped before blood needed to be spilled. Because now, Rindou isn't sure if his warmth and care can make you feel better. What is left for you is to wrap his hands in gauzes and share the warmth of your existence.

And so he raises to his feet, to catch you one more time, to not let tears stain your cheeks and your heart.

“Oh, no, no.” It’s Ran. He reaches for your face and cups your cheeks between his palms, his big fingers erasing fat tears from your skin. He coos at you, eyes searching for you. “You know what? I don’t want to see you cry, and I bet Rin doesn’t want to see you cry either. But it’s okay if you want to. I won’t stop you. So cry all you want, and then I’ll take you to that restaurant I told you about. Alright? I am going to blow dry my hair, and we are good to go. Okay?”

Frozen, near the kitchen countertop stands Rindou. He takes his glasses off and wipes them with the hem of his shirt. He doesn’t dare to look at you, and besides, he isn’t even sure if he will see you. Your presence isn’t for him, and maybe it never was. Maybe he was never that important in your life; only a connecting chain to something bigger than him.

He can’t find you.

“I am sorry,” you whisper when Ran is gone to his room and your eyes are almost dry.

Rindou frowns. There’s no reason for you to apologize to him, and yet he leans into you, his forehead burrowing at your shoulder. “Whatever you say or do is okay. Remember? We accept each other as we are. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else around me.”

“I love you, Rindou.” Again, it’s a whisper, a small meaningful promise. “I love you so so much.”

“I know.” He laughs, suddenly uncomfortable and very shy. That new foreign smell of yours hits his nose and Rindou inhales it fully, filling his lungs with it and a realisation comes at him so simple, he thinks he knew it from the beginning. The shock he imagined he would go through isn’t here. Nothing is. Just acceptance and your detachedness in which he loses himself. You smell like his brother. Like Ran. You’ve been for a while. He wraps his arms around your waist and holds you closer. His hands don't hurt him anymore.

xii.

His fingers are warm on the gentle skin of your hips, and every little caress feels like millions of kisses planted straight to your heart.

Girls in your university and mutual friends through Rindou who slept with Ran had the tendency to discuss him in bed, and besides claiming that he always knew what he was doing and how he should do it, they always mentioned him being exceptionally rough. He never stayed at your place for a night, never brought you to his apartment in Roppongi (everyone assumed it was their mutual agreement with Rindou), and never slept with the same girl twice. Never. Never. Never. There were too many rules and details for you to remember. Laying under him on his bed in his room you would swear they all were liars.

Running your fingers through his long hair and combing them behind his ears so they won’t tickle you falling onto your face, you moan from the burning pleasure that never left you from the moment Ran declared he wanted you.

Slow, but powerful rolls of his hips catch you off guard - they always do - and you tug at his hair a bit too harshly. His face comes closer to yours and your naked chest touches his, he brushes against your hard nipples, and with pure curiosity and pleasure watches you close your eyes, back detaching your body from the damp sheets. It’s like you want to be closer to him. Like you run into his arms; into him.

[He accepts you.] He welcomes you.

The exposed marked skin of your neck comes into his vision and he leans down to kiss you there. Mark it again. Purple on purple. More purple. You and him are the same colour.

His breathy whispers burn like holy oil. Something sacred that was never meant to be shared with anyone else. “So good for me, baby. Always good. It’s you. Only you for me. Right, baby? I am yours. Oh God, I am yours, baby.”

More confessions. More promises. More spilled love.

With you Ran is always tender. He always eats you out - despite you not wanting to, since you say it’s like a kiss, too intimate - and he always stretches you before he puts his cock inside you so it won’t hurt you. He always listens to your needs, without you voicing them out even once. And after you are done you both eat and talk and laugh, and then go at it again.

After the fifth time you are sure that Ran Haitani never fucked you, but made love to you. And it was not in the tempo or poses he had you in or where you had sex or if he initiated it or you or how many times you both finished or many other stupid reasons. No. It was in his touches, his words, his smiles, his laughs, his gestures, his eyes and how soft they were right after or sometimes in the moment.

It was in his being and how you both felt around each other.

Today, when Ran cums, your lower part warm with it, he crushes you with his body. You stroke his toned shoulders and back. It’s not just his hair that gets your attention. It’s every part of his body. You love to please him too. His breath is hot against your ear shell, and you squirm, grazing your nails against his tattooed skin. He winces, but laughs, detaching himself from you.

“I am so spent,” he confesses, yawning and you giggle at this natural confirmation from his body. “Do you wanna take a nap? We can order something later or go out. I wouldn’t mind having shabu-shabu. Whatcha think?”

You bite your lip, pretending to consider his offer, when in reality you already know you’ll agree and now you are just taking him in. Ran is very beautiful. Womanly pretty.

"Yeah, okay. Sounds good."

Before Ran rolls to his side, he kisses you in the corner of your lips and then up your face to your brows. Never on your lips. Because you asked and he promised. Genuine content smile brightens up your drown in pleasure face.

"You know," he muses, "I like your red-haired friend more now."

You laugh, immediately understanding what he meant by that and as if the sound of your laugh is an alarm for his need to be close to you, Ran shifts closer to you, bringing you too, flash against his naked body. Skin to skin.

"His hair is pink, and his name is Haruchiyo. But you always say his hair is red. It's kind of funny," you murmur, closing your eyes. Your body is too sensitive for you to move much without feeling the never ending hunger for Ran, but you still do and you gasp, your palms gripping onto his shoulders.

He smirks and lets you nuzzle your head in the crook of his neck. You kiss him there.

"Yeah, Haruchiyo. Next time, I'll pay him myself to take Rin to Hakone. For a whole week. Anyway, let's sleep. I want to make you feel good again when we wake up. Do you want me to wake you up with my fingers or my mouth? You seem like you need it. You are so fucking sensitive everytime we have sex. It’s like I am your first and you never had decent co…”

"Rude, Haitani," you slap his back. Gently. "So rude."

Silence settles over the room and your breaths even out. You think he has fallen asleep. His chest rising up and down. His body is warm and solid and heavy next to yours. Your fingers continue their dance across his nape.

"But you still like me, right? Rude or not?" He asks, his voice a bit clearer than before, and you know that he has been thinking about this all this time.

Without a delay or hesitation, you speak. "Yes, I do. Rude or not."

Again, he doesn’t reply back and after an unknown amount of lost time, you understand that he indeed has fallen asleep. You follow him right after, thinking that maybe his question was more serious than you initially thought it was.

xiii.

The plans for Rindou’s surprise birthday party were made in advance in the kitchen of your apartment.

For the first time in four years that you’ve become a part of Rindou’s life, Ran lets you both - you and Haruchiyo - to play a part in the arranging of the birthday party for his brother. He does it because of you, of course. Another reason is knowing that Rindou will be very pleased and happy. Unlike Ran, Rindou likes surprises. It was your idea to veil every little preparation, location and guest list with exciting secrecy. Both boys [under an insane amount of pressure] promised you to not even speak of the upcoming birthday to Rindou. Let alone spill any details or hints about the party.

Just a few days before it Haruchiyo however sitting in the cafeteria accidentally mentioned to Rindou that the colour of banana milk reminded him of kitchen countertops in the house Ran rented for the surprise party. He was saying it with a huge smile on his face that quickly faded when he realised what he said. You - who obviously had a huge soft stop for Haruchiyo - didn’t even get mad at him. You all laughed it off and Rindou asked no questions, appreciating your efforts.

"Can you believe it?" Happy Birthday Rindou garland shimmers in your hands. You tape the second end of it to the wall and lean back, looking at it, trying to see if it’s even. It’s the fifth time now and Ran slowly loses his patience. He doubts Rindou would notice if it declines for one degree. “I thought you would be the one who would uncover us.”

The ladder echoes a clunking sound as you come down. You fall right into Ran’s arms who were steading it for you the whole time, hands gripping the metal so you didn’t fall. He is surprised. “Me? Why? You know I am actually good at keeping secrets.”

“I know you are.” Hands on your chest, you squint at the wall, overlooking the garland. Your expression is hard and serious and no matter how much Ran tries to decipher it he can’t. Silently, he prays you won’t readjust it yet again. He is getting tired and he still needs to fill the fridge with beers and what else alcohol he bought. There were also snacks and fairy lights to be taken care of. At least, all the vases and unnecessary fragile decorations were already sitting in the storage.

“Does it look good?” Ran asks, hopefully. “To me it seems fine. From where I stand. But it seemed fine the second time too. Maybe you just should draw a huge line with a pencil on the wall so you could see where you should hang it. Or you know what? Rindou will be fine without garland. He’ll live. It’s not like he knows we were gonna hang it.”

The silence on your end is scaring him. Is this stupid garland really so uneven? He steps in front of you and scrutinizes the wall. Everything is perfect. The colorful "Happy Birthday Rindou" written on the beige wall looks fine; the tape is not visible and every letter is as neat as it could be. When the silence stretches, he groans and grabs hold of the ladder. The metal is warm under his palms from how long he has been holding it.

“Ran.” He feels your lovely hands and you pressed to him before he registers you calling his name. All frustration and tiredness are exterminated from him, thrown out of the window the second you open your mouth.

"Mhm?"

The softness of your body melts into his existence and he cranes his neck at the angle where he can see you.

Your eyes are already waiting for him and he is met with so much tenderness and endearment and fondness he resists the urge to kiss you and it’s the worst fight he’s ever been into.

His body is bruised and ugly. He is losing.

“The garland is fine.”

“Is it?” The sudden eagerness in his voice makes you giggle. He giggles with you. “I expect the same garland for my birthday. You’ve got to put Rin through the same shit as me.”

“Do you want us to rent you a house too?”

He hums, thinking of an answer. His fingers slip between yours. “Yeah. Two floors, and I want the backyard facing the ocean. A pool is a must, too. Oh! And the guest list? I’ll make it myself. Rin would invite people I dislike just to annoy me.”

“Deal.” A wet touch of your lips encourages shivers. His eyelids tremble as he closes his eyes, losing himself in your affection. You press another kiss under his ear and then on his jaw, only to move to his cheeks, and then to the corner of his lips.

His only instinct is to follow you, lean into you, reach out to you and for a second his lips are on yours, but you move away and he curses. Turning around, Ran pushes you towards the huge oak table and you comply, jumping on it. Your legs are spread for him and yet you push him away when he grabs the hem of your shirt.

Your palm on his chest he hopes you can feel how his heart reacts to you. And as if you do - or maybe it’s something else, Ran hopes it’s something else, something sweet and precious where you can’t deny him - your open palm turns into fist and you bring him closer. You pepper his face with small kisses and it’s embarrassing for him to think how happy he gets, how you can ask of him anything now and he will do it. Be it steading the ladder for you or bringing you hot gazing stars from outer space.

“You are so lovely, Ran.”

Oh God.

“Anything for you. Lovely, gentle, harsh, rude… yours. However, you'll want me.”

There’s a known firefly in your eyes and he holds your face. At this point you are just staring at each other, searching for answers or commuting without words. Or maybe both. “Yeah. I like it all. Remember? I’ve told you before.” “Say it again, then. I like hearing it.” And you do. I like you. I like you. I accept you, Ran. I like you. I like you. I like you.

Pink looks pretty on you and Ran knows it.

You sway with his younger brother in the middle of the huge living room of the rented house for which Ran paid a bit too much [but you were so adamant it was perfect and Rindou would absolutely love it so he couldn’t say no] and laugh. Your head thrown back, you hold hands with Rindou as he swirls you around, careful to not let go of you.

You are the centre of this party and Ran’s attention.

The beer in his cup is still cold and he sips on it watching you having the time of your life celebrating the existence of his little brother. The fact that you so dearly love and care for Rindou touches Ran’s heart more than it should, but it does and it warms the world around him. He tries to remember if someone from his own friends has this much love for him as you do for Rindou and suddenly he can’t name a single one. It’s a moment of loneliness and fear. Ran can deal with both, because he will always have Rin and Rin will always have you. So it’s fine. Everything is fine and the party goes smoothly just like you planned it. There’s enough food and alcohol and people who are here are the ones Rindou is happy to see. All his previous birthdays - and Ran’s too - they celebrated at clubs. Tones of booz, weed and girls never made Rindou smile as brightly as he did through the whole evening and well into the night. There was something alluring in intimacy that Ran never felt or noticed before and that he waited all his life to learn through you.

So he drinks a bit more and watches you dance in your pink croco trousers and he knows you look unbelievably good. So good all he wants now is to get you in his car and drive you far far far away where no one could take you from him. For good measure he’ll lock you in the house [of his heart]. The keys will be thrown away with eyes closed so even he wouldn’t know where to look for them. No escape from this dream land of his. Forever imprisoned the two of you.

It gets hard to breathe as if Ran is the one to dance and laugh. Leaving his unfinished beer on the table, Ran goes outside. He catches Kakucho’s questioning gaze on him, but mouths a simple ‘i am fine’ and then he is all alone again.

It’s chilly outside. The night sky is clouded and no stars can be seen from the porch. Two houses down there’s another party. Music travels this short distance, but as if there’s an invisible divider, it stops exactly in the middle and never touches their own music. Ran can clearly hear both songs and this alone creates a peculiar sense of detachment. It’s like he is here and then it’s like he never was and never would be. Much to his displeasure it’s not you who finds him there. He didn’t even know he was waiting for you until viscous regret filled his lungs and the disappointment rested in his chest. He might have been scowling because the girl before him looked, if not scared, confused for sure.

“Don’t say you don’t remember me.” The girl is beautiful, and Ran thinks he saw her at your university. She steps closer and brings her face right to his, her brown eyes waiting for recognition, but when even proximity doesn’t ring a bell, she pouts. “What they say about you is right. You never called me back.”

Oh. That’s why she looked familiar. Ran has slept with her. He gives her a dead stare, not in the mood to make a joke out of it. He turns his back on her. “Well, I never call anyone back. It’s always a one-time thing.”

He expects the girl to be offended or for the poison of humiliation to spread through her veins, but obviously, none of it happens. Instead, she pulls out a pack of cigarettes and leans on the wooden rails, overlooking the empty night street. “It’s stupid, but I thought I might be good enough for you to change your mind,” the girl giggles. She lights a cigarette for herself and doesn’t offer one to Ran. “But you don’t even remember me. You don’t, do you?”

“No. I don’t.” There’s no point in lying, and Ran doesn’t care if he hurts her. She’s been hurt before and she will be after this insignificant encounter.

“Do you wanna fuck now?” The answer is immediate and it’s the same as before. “No. I don’t.”

“Not with me?” Lit cigarette between her fingers stands out on a stormy night sky.

“No. Not with you.”

The cloud of smoke escapes the girl's mouth and Ran stares at it for a bit, trying to remember how it tasted when he kissed her. But he can’t. It’s not her mouth that he sees, but an empty place. It’s scary.

You and your crucifying rule that broke his bones everytime he was with you made kisses mean a lot and dissolved those that he shared before into drivel. They didn’t mean anything.

Ran never remembered his first kiss.

He guesses it happened when he was thirteen with a girl that was much older. It probably was a bet.

The butt of the cigarette with dark stains from the girl’s lipstick is pressed against the wooden floor. The light dies. “You look awfully sick with love, Ran Haitani. It does suit you, though. Your eyes look more alive. Usually, they were like you just murdered someone. It’s scary.”

Fat raindrops hit the pavement and soon the world around is speaking. Ran can’t tell what it’s trying to say, but his heart tells him it is a premonition. A little prophecy, because what is born meaningless has a tendency to die as the most important thing.

But of course, there are exceptions.

There are memories, people and webs that were and always would have the dearest place in Ran’s heart. There is you and there was Aoki Ogura and now next to him is the girl he had slept with once and doesn’t even remember. There is the smell of rain and a few seconds ago there was a lit cigarette, the fire of it now dead. It’s a birthday party of his little brother, his only family, and it’s a day when Ran realises some things aren’t our choices, but are chosen for us.

No matter how much we want, we can't change them, because just for once it didn’t happen because of us, but because of who we are. The rain intensifies. Chills creep under Ran’s thin grey blouse. Are your pink trousers and white tee keeping you warm enough? He desperately needs to know. Now.

“What’s your name?” Ran is at the door. His hand lies on the handle.

The girl raises her hands in the air, gasping. She pretends to be offended. In reality, she isn’t. There’s not a tinge of sadness in her. “It’s Hatsu Ikazuchi.”

The beginning of thunder. How fortunate. How coincidentally amusing and pretty. Life is full of wonders. The door behind Ran softly closes. Rain and storms stay on the other side.

xiv.

The second Rindou accidentally learns about the party, he knows it was your idea.

When he steps out of the car and sees the prettiest house he knows it was you who chose it. The small hidden alley where it stands and green pots with pink flowers are definitely what made the cut for you. And then, when he enters the house and everyone screams happy birthday Rindou, and he shushes them so he can greet every single person there, he knows it was you who decided who should be invited.

It’s the same with the cake that you bring out to the living room singing-whispering his favourite song, instead of the classical happy birthday one. He knows it was you who ordered it and decided on the fillings. You hold it before him, a huge happy smile on your pretty face, and he closes his eyes to make a wish before he blows off the candles. Ran stands behind you, his chin on your shoulder watching his brother, but Rindou barely notices this unusual proximity. He only sees the fairy lights and decorations.

He knows it was all your doings too.

He is happy and he is loved and he drowns in your love the whole evening and well into the night.

He only loses you right after the clock strikes two when Haruchiyo finds him and urges him to smoke. They share a joint on the second floor in the bathroom. And even in the state Rindou is in now, he thinks about you. How you’d be mad if you were to find them smoking in this enclosed space without a window. How you’d scold them like you always do and say that weed smells disgusting. How you’d still slide down the door and sit on cold tiles with them, breathing smoke from it into your lungs, intoxicating yourself to the maximum. You’d laugh and smile looking at them both, your best friends, and in those moments everything in the world would be right.

High as kite - because it’s a special birthday joint, claims Haruchiyo - from half of the cigarette and drunk on God knows how many beers and two cocktails with an unknowing mix of alcohol in each, Rindou stumbles down the stairs. Haruchiyo follows suit. With mouths dry as parchment they go into the kitchen where they gulp down two bottles of water, one and a half litre each.

The thirst subsides and they giggle, finding the situation funny. The party carries on and so does the fun. Behind the veil of smoke and fog and fun everything [and everyone] seems brighter - happier - than they really are. Weed is better than alcohol, but both of it mixed together is a devastating cocktail of unknown feelings and emotions, so bright and positive, Rindou wants to stay in this superficial land forever.

But the effect will wear out with time and nothing but sadness and regret will stay. And when Rindou will wake up in the morning, he will be grumpy and untalkative and borderline aggressive, angry thoughts swarming inside his pounding head. He might throw up or he might not and when this state too will pass, for there is nothing permanent, he will wonder if sadness and hostility is all he has. This eats Rindou alive.

But there is still time till this terrifying clarity.

For now everything is blurry. And he is happy. He allows himself to be.

A very gracious birthday present.

Together, with Haruchiyo they find you in the company of Senju, Ran and his friends. In the midst of loud music and the smell of alcohol, your small circle gives the impression of a cold calm island, warm to its habitants and cold to intruders. There’s an effortless conversation that flows between you all. He has no idea what it is you are talking about, but it must be something very interesting to each of you, because your eyes sparkle and everyone speaks almost at the same time, contributing to the discussion.

A deep gut feeling of being unwanted washes over him and Rindou’s body is sticky, clothes too close to skin. Blood pumps loudly in his head and for a second or two all he hears is a stretching white noise. It calls out for him, forms a message, something so important and crucial, but it disappears before Rindou can decipher the meaning behind its static nature. And then, his brain overwhelmed and tired, his being happy and loved, he thinks that maybe some things aren’t worth reading into. Maybe it all happens just because and maybe nothing has any sacred meaning.

Maybe living in the absence of all is easier and maybe that’s what Rindou chooses in the moment Senju spots them and waves her hand urging them to join your company.

“My favorite birthday boy!” You exclaim, stretching your hands toward him. He accepts your invitation and dives into your arms, stumbling over his unstable feet. He falls face down onto the sofa, and Senju, who had been sitting next to you, groans and moves to the floor. But she doesn’t say anything to him because today is his birthday, and he is allowed a little more than he usually is.

“Am I really your favourite?” Rindou asks, his tongue loose from the effects of alcohol. His head rests on your shoulder, and he tilts his head to take a good look at you. You are a bit drunk yourself. Your eyes are only half-opened, and you look undeniably sexy and warm. “Tell me the truth.”

You squint your eyes, pretending to think, and he whines at you, causing you to laugh. He is happy with himself because of that. He is even happier when you ruffle his hair and whisper to him, "You are. Even when you reek of weed and beer." You lick your lips before you continue, a bit more serious than before. "Even if you find yourself a pretty girl and dump me because she's going to be jealous of us."

"No one's gonna date us with you in the picture, baby. Honestly?" Haruchiyo chimes in. He sits on the floor next to Kakucho, opposite you. Only when you and Rindou turn your heads his way, your attention fully on him, does he continue speaking. "Even I feel jealous of you, and I'm a part of our threesome."

The interrogation on Rindou’s behalf falls short at that and you slump into scolding Haruchiyo for his poor choice of words to describe your friendship. You argue, as you usually do, because obviously to Haruchiyo the threesome sounds okay and he even claims he heard someone at university refer to your trio using it and he in fact is not the one who came up with it. At that you gasp and a sound too similar to a sad wolf howl comes out of your throat.

"Actually, you know what I always wanted to ask?" Interrupts Shion. He is taking the first long drag from his cigarette. The smell of smoke that hits Rindou’s nostrils almost immediately indicates that they are cherry-flavored. It's quite a strange choice on Shion's side, if you were to ask Rindou. "How did you all meet? You are super close. I’ve been looking at you today, and if Ran hadn’t told me before that you are seeing someone, I would’ve thought you are dating our birthday boy."

All attention has you as the centre and for a split moment Rindou is sober. All haze and blurriness swept away leaving the palace for stunning clarity. But he feels how tense your limp body gets and he sees his brother who sits at your feet with your left leg thrown over his shoulder, laying his head on your thigh. Ran smirks as he waits for your answer, but he knows his brother the best, so the sweet tender expectancy doesn’t go unnoticed. Nor does the gentle caressing of his fingers around your ankle.

“We actually met through Haru, who I knew because I am friends with Senju. We went to the same high school.”

Shion nods. He brings a bottle of sui-umeshu to his lips and, not taking his eyes away from you, takes a large sip. When he is done, the sweet liquor swallowed, he asks you, "Why is your boyfriend not here?"

"He isn't my boyfriend yet. We are still figuring it all out," you retort. You tilt your head to the side and playfully smile at Shion. "And just why are you so interested in him?"

“I am not interested in him. I am interested in you.”

"Oh," the smile is gone from your face and you stare at Shion as if you are seeing him for the very first time. "Thank you."

The rest of the night is spent almost quietly. You dance some more. You drink and Haruchiyo smokes again. This time with Senju on the damp porch. The rain that Rindou never acknowledged has stopped. The air now is cold and crispy. It finally feels like winter is just around the corner.

The golden light of sunrise adorns the living room, building an illusion of it being way more spacious and bigger than it really is. Rindou can barely stand on his own feet. He so desperately needs to go to bed and sleep until it’s well after noon. And yet, he comes to a halt when he hears your quiet laughing and Ran’s murmuring. Through the buzzing in his head he can’t hear what you are talking about, and even if he wants to eavesdrop, he won’t. He respects you and he respects his brother. He respects his loving touches and he respects your choice. So, he goes straight into the kitchen and the first thing he sees is not your blood splashed across your white t-shirt in bright stains, but Ran’s gentle moves when he wipes your face. Come to think of it, his brother was always like that around you. Curious and tender even in anger. The softness doesn’t evaporate from Ran when he looks up and sees his brother standing in the arc that connects the living room and kitchen.

"Did you get the nosebleed again?" The house is silent, so Rindou’s voice echoes through it like a bell in the middle of a field.

Somehow, Rindou imagines it’s sunny there in that field of his despite dark heavy clouds hanging low in the sky. It’s going to rain, but before it will, there will be a thunderstorm. This time Rindou is going to be there to see it.

“Yeah. Don’t worry though. I am just tired. That’s all.”

Contradiction arises in him and guilt fills his throat to the brim. He can’t say anything so he just stares at the white wet towel in Ran’s hands. Its twisted tip all red and pulpy. Behind you, on the beige plain wall, is a garland. It says “Happy Birthday Rindou”. He wants to take it home with him and put it under his bed, in his heart, to store it there forever as a reminder that someone cares for him. [Always will].

There are so many words and confessions he desires to share with you, but instead, he says, “I am going to sleep. Can we go for yakitori when I wake up? I just know I am gonna be starving.”

“Nankotsu or tebasaki?” Suddenly excited, you turn your head toward him.

“Both?” “Fuck, I love you so much, Rindou! You are the best!” “I know. I know. I love me too.”

“Okay you all enough with love. Let’s take your makeup off too, while I am at it. Now, look at me.” Without anything to say Rindou leaves. He goes upstairs and without taking a shower goes straight to his makeshift bed for today. He is sharing a room with Kakucho who is already asleep. His light snores break the solemnity of the room.

Undressed, in his boxers, Rindou comes up to the window that overlooks the neighbour's patio. Classic Japanese garden stares back at Rindou and he tries hard to remember when was the last time he saw one. He can’t. It’s a bit sad. He finds himself liking the moss, the rocks and those pretty wooden lanterns. Beauty is simple; he appreciates it.

At last, he closes the window, shutting curtains tight. Today was a good day. He felt loved and needed and cared for.

Rindou wishes every day was like this one, but then wouldn’t its significance be lost on him? Life is a contradiction and Rindou loves it too. Just for today he allows himself to.

xv.

Flowers bloom inside you when Ran’s hips meet yours and you moan into his shoulder, your teeth drawing blood from his skin there.

Arms limp around his neck, your body violently quivers and he, too vulnerable and high on his own orgasm, spreads his palms across your naked back, running them up and down. Mouth hungry on your skin he leaves open sloppy kisses across your neck. It does little to calm you down. It does nothing at all to subside the hunger and emotions you have for him in this moment [and always].

"Shit, I bit you. I am sorry," you say, your breath still hitched. You run a finger across the mark, wiping the blood that stains Ran’s perfectly smooth skin. "Didn't want anyone to hear us. Does it hurt?"

Tilting his head to the side, his palms on the small of your back, Ran inspects the damage. He winces, and in your blissfully tired state, you don’t pay attention to how fake that wince sounds or how unnaturally he grimaces when you touch the wound again. "It…"

He doesn’t have a chance to finish, because you run your fingers around the mark and bring your lips closer to it, pecking the red irritated skin there in an attempt to soothe the pain. Ran freezes. All jokes and teasing he intended to voice die.

He dies with them.

“Ran are you okay? Does it hurt that much? I kissed it because I thought it might lessen the pain. I probably only irritated it more. I am sorry. Let me go take a look if they have band aids in the bathroom.” You are still sitting on his lap with him inside of you and your legs still tremble, but now only lightly and you think you can stand up and walk the short distance to the en-suite bathroom. But when you lift yourself off him, Ran grips your hips so harshly you yelp.

You are confused. Lines on your forehead you look at him with a question in your eyes. Did you do something wrong? Was he repulsed by your spontaneous biting? Love is about questions and you drown in them. It’s fortunate that Ran holds you just where you should be held. “Don’t go. It doesn’t hurt at all. I haven’t even noticed you bit me until you said. I was just teasing you.”

In the silence that follows, each of you think of some distant places that never correlate with each other and yet even there you are together. In the comfortable familiarity and warmth of his body you doze off. Ran’s huge tattoo fades away with every drop of your eyelids; little butterflies landing on ink orchids. You swear you can smell their faint flowery aroma, but that simply can’t be true.

A lot of things can’t be true and yet you choose to believe in them.

"A girl today asked me to have sex with her, and I refused," Ran says after a while.

Sleepy, you place your chin on his chest, locking a gaze with him. Ran does have the prettiest eyes, you think. But instead, you ask him, "Was it Ikazuchi?"

His blonde brows coming together, he tries really hard to remember. So hard a deep wrinkle appears on his forehead. You raise your head and smoothe it, waiting for it to disappear. You don’t like seeing him troubled and now he looks like that whole encounter was unpleasant for him.

"I can’t remember," he says honestly, catching your hand when it wipes at his eyebrows. He brings it to his mouth and kisses your knuckles.

"Oh, it was her. I know," you giggle, a stray ray of bleak mid-autumn sun pecking at your face, causing you to squint as you squirm on top of Ran. He whines, and you press a hand over his mouth, whispering, "Ran, don’t do that! You’ll wake someone up."

You see him roll his eyes, and then it’s you who is screaming, because he holds you by your waist and flips you over, so that you are under him. "So much for 'Ran, don’t!'" He mimics your voice and intonation a bit too perfectly, and then he stops, and you can only imagine what makes him shut up. But he stares at you, his half-closed eyes forever young and full of longing. You can only guess what’s going on in his mind.

Bathed in morning sun and your love Ran looks exceptionally beautiful.

“What is it?”

There’s no hesitation in his reply. "You are pretty."

And there’s no hesitation when he brushes his lips against yours. His breath is warm and sweet and he is your new source of air, because altogether you stop to breathe and it’s him who inhales life in you. Like a little lamb before sacrifice you stare at him with wide eyes. So full of questions. So full of don’t you remember I told you not to kiss me before you feel something for me. If you ever feel something for me.

It’s a plea. It’s an incantation. It’s his chance; his doom and forgiveness.

“I should’ve done it before,” he mumbles. Lips on lips. He has been inside you a few moments ago and numerous times before that, but you swear he has never been this close. “Should’ve kissed you when I’ve seen you cry that day. Should’ve kissed you when you undid my hair before we went to sleep that very first night. Should’ve fucking known I liked you all this time.”

Salty sad tears draw pretty patterns on your face and you choke on sobs, too overwhelmed, too shocked and so desperately confused. All the thinking process in you comes to a halt - blame it on your tipsiness, tiredness or early hours of the morning - and you shake your head, hands reaching out to Ran, clutching onto him.

You are contradicting yourself and you know that. But you can’t think what’s more disappointing: that you are uncontrollable or that you don’t believe that Ran likes you. He is made of white lies. Always have been and yet you choose want need to trust him.

In the clouds of white sheets and duvets he rolls to his side and brings you closer. With one swift strong motion he throws your leg over his hip so even air can’t come between your bodies. He wipes at your face and the uncharacteristic patience and understanding he shows you, are enough for you to peck his lips. He smiles against them, into the kiss, and it’s sincere.

“Don’t want you to cry,” he whispers. “Especially over me. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

Hand on your waist, Ran nuzzles up to you, his nose brushing over yours and you surrender.

You fall to pieces.

“Only wanted to say how I feel. Would’ve done it before if it wasn’t so hard to understand. Why when it’s real it’s so hard to realise you are in love with someone?”

Leaning your forehead on his, you sniffle, but you aren’t sad anymore and you don’t cry. It’s a light grey feeling that envelopes you and if it means that this is what Ran Haitani’s love feels like you are okay with it. You accept it.

"It wasn’t hard for me," you say, and Ran reclines back, taking you in, his head and heart full of you.

“What?” “I said it wasn’t hard for me to understand how I feel about you.” He grins then and he looks so boyish, so happy, so content your heart explodes, its broken fragments piercing through his chest to fill up cracks in him where nothing could before.

This time, when Ran kisses you, his fingers caressing your jaw, you respond to him. It’s shy and testing at first, but soon it gets sloppy and it’s wet and messy and lots of tongue. It’s so so so good you don’t need him to get you ready and you don’t need a lot of time to come undone again.

Again and again and again.

xvi.

It’s been weeks since Rindou’s birthday party and by the mouth pressed into thin line and grumpy hooded eyes that Rindou only has with Ran, he can tell that his brother has a lot of questions that burn him on the inside.

However Rindou doesn’t ask them and Ran would never feed his brother’s pride by responding to them before he was even interrogated. That it’s going to be an interrogation he doesn’t doubt for a split second. Glares and muttering Rindou provides Ran every time they are in the same room are enough to guess. It’s late November when Rindou finally snaps.

Ran is putting on his black boots he bought a few days ago in Harajuku after getting his hair done when the burning sensation on the back of his head intensifies. It’s a little after eight and he is worried he is going to be late to pick you up from the practice. Earlier today, you agreed to meet at nine thirty. If Rindou holds him for more than three minutes he won’t be there on time and while Ran is always late he hates to be late to you.

Dressed in all black - black hakama, black button up and black socks - Rindou reminds Ran of a kid who pretends he is into fashion, but can only mix and match black clothes and even that isn't given since Ran can clearly see that Rindou’s hakama is slightly darker than his t-shirt. He bites a smile, averting his eyes from Rindou so he won’t notice the playfulness that spills from him. Of course, Rindou does notice.

Of course, he groans and Ran can only imagine what names his little brother has called him inside his head.

"What don’t you like about my outfit this time?” Rindou spreads his hands across his freshly ironed clothes and places them on his hips. He looks down at himself, but Ran is sure that no matter how much he tries, he'll never understand. Finally, he raises his now angry eyes and looks at the smiling Ran. “Is it my pants?”

“No.”

“Then what is it? I can tell you think there’s something wrong with it.”

Orange sun paints their apartment in a pretty peach colour. It licks at Rindou’s blonde hair and he is even more handsome than he usually is. Ran looks at him, while he stands before him frustrated, angry and lost, and in this moment he knows he won’t ever forgive himself if he wrongs his younger brother. He doesn’t remember when Rindou became so big and how his shoulders are even broader than Ran’s are and he for sure missed a moment when Rindou started dating, but he will never forget this particular moment.

When Rindou is twenty and sunset kisses his existence.

“The hakama colour doesn’t match with the button up.”

“Oh.” Rindou's fingers circle around the collar of the blouse, and now he isn’t just lost, angry, and frustrated, but also self-conscious and lonely.

As an older brother Ran has - always had and always will - many responsibilities. To provide, to keep safe, to care and to love. To spare from the misery of unknowingness. Never to betray.

And that’s why, this time, Ran gives in. He kneels down to tie his left boot and answers a question that wasn’t asked but was thought. “Yes, I am going to see her, and then I’ll take her to eat whatever she wants today. We might take a walk right after dinner or go straight to 7-Eleven and buy her favorite pudding and that stupid pizza-flavored snack she likes so much. I’ve grown to like it too by now. It isn’t too bad. Anyway, when we are inside her apartment, I’ll start kissing her the second I close the door behind us, and we’ll probably take it to the shower, and after the shower, to her bed. If she doesn’t fall asleep immediately, we’ll eat, and in the morning…”

“Does she let you eat on her bed?”

Done with his laces, Ran raises up, he blinks at his brother, and a shit-eating grin spreads on his face. “Well, yes, she does. Always. Why?”

“Really?!” Under the circled tinted glasses, Rindou blinks a couple of times. “She gave me and Haruchiyo a lecture about how we can’t eat in bed. How are you supposed to sleep with crumbs under your asses? You absolutely shouldn’t eat in bed. Especially you, Rindou. You always spill the sauce.”

The imitation of your voice is pretty accurate. Down to the intonation and pauses you do when you are speaking and Ran can’t help, but laugh. His brother does know you well. It’s a pang in his heart. He can’t translate it into words.

“I guess she just likes you more than us,” concludes Rindou. He adjusts his glasses and points at the pile of shoes by the door, leaving no room for Ran to contradict. Rindou blurts out almost immediately, “YSL or Yamamoto boots? What do you think?”

They settle on the Japanese designer, because Ran claims the European vibe doesn’t really suit Rindou. He also doesn’t change the button-up and it’s been more than three minutes.

The sky is a deep blue, borderline black, when they enter Itabashi area. The roads are unusually empty for this time of the day and a few stars appear each time it darkens one shade more. Today the world is very beautiful and Ran hopes on his way back it still will be so you can see it yourself too. These floating lights, rich colours and street lamps with their alien light.

“I don’t think she likes me more, Rin,” Ran's voice breaks the absolute silence that reigns within the car. The engine of Ran’s Honda continues its song, undisturbed and infinite. “Our significance for her is different. And not on the scale of lesser to greater.”

Beside him in the passenger seat, Rindou stretches, his palms hitting the roof of the car. “Honestly? I could kinda tell you were always into each other. All this bickering, sneak glances, accidental touches. And you never once forgot her birthday in three years. Don’t know why I was so surprised she started to smell like you in the summer.”

“Smell like me?” Despite them being on the road Ran turns his head to the left and stares at his brother. “What does it even mean?” To that Rindou never responds. He shrugs as if he never said what he just said and Ran’s curiosity remains a hungry fox.

In less than twenty minutes they’ll reach you. They both wonder if you will wait for them outside and if not, who of them should come pick you up from the studio.

“Can we stay at our place today? We can invite Haru, Kaku and maybe Senju over? Would be nice to watch something and eat. I think the DVD rental next to us should be still open.”

Loneliness, myriads of sparkling little fireflies, illuminate the space between Ran and Rindou, and Ran bumps his brother on the shoulder with his fist, playfully but not too strongly. He communicates to him, "I am always here. I always will be." Then he suggests, “Of course. Shoot them a message. Say the food is on us, but if they want to drink something, they should bring it themselves.”

A huge toothy smile appears on Rindou’s face and that’s how Ran knows his brother understands that love is never divided between people. It’s shared and fed in equal amounts. Just differently.

“Oh. And mention that if anyone is to crash at our place they might be ready to hear a few whimpers here and there.”

With his eyes already on the phone, fingers typing away messages to their friends, Rindou raises his head and gives his brother a disgusted look. "What?"

“Your friend is awfully loud in bed. That’s what I am saying.”

“Gross. Stop the car.” Ran laughs and when he catches Rindou’s smiling, shaking his head in a what-a-bastard way, he laughs some more. The firefly of loneliness is dead by now.

More cars pass them on the highway and nothing feels real.

xvii.

The park near their house is not that grand as the park you always stop by after Ryou’s parties, but it has a small square playground and that’s all you need.

Three bags with snacks and cup noodles are forgotten on the bench. Half of the goods lay scattered on the ground, but neither you or Rindou pay much attention to it. You probably haven’t even noticed it yet. Too busy laughing and enjoying yourself.

It was - of course - your idea to stop by and play. Just for a little, you said, tugging Rindou by the sleeve of his black puffer. Inside the park it’s dark. The lit lamps here and there are the bonbori ones and while they already aren’t the brightest, the shadows of trees absorb whatever lights they illuminate. If Rindou wasn’t Rindou he would find this place creepy. The desertness of it due to the hour only intensifies the feeling.

But you are happy before him as you sit on the swings swaying back and forth. You laugh loudly and when he drugs you by your waist to the roundabout you scream at him to set you free so loud people in houses nearby might think he wants to murder you. None calls the police though or comes outside so in your wail they might have heard merriness, the same Rindou did. They probably think it’s teenagers in love fooling around.

But you are not teenagers and you aren’t in love. And that’s what you tell Rindou when you push him into the huge metal circle with holes in it. He does his best to imagine what child game this surrealistic installation serves, but nothing comes to mind.

"Rindou, I am sorry," your whisper echoes inside the metal walls like an arrow. "I should have told you from the beginning."

"It's alright," he murmurs back instantly. It should be the other way around, you comforting him, but it is not.

"I just think I really, really, really love Ran, and that's why I couldn't tell you."

The confession sits heavy on both of you and the tension made of substantial marine ropes hangs around your necks. In the dark Rindou can’t see you, but he can imagine you playing with your fingers or biting your cheek. Too full of emotions and pregnant with spilled secrets. He knows you too well and you know him well too, so when he outstretches his arm and his hand falls into your, you both giggle.

“Like I feel bad for not telling you, but I couldn’t help it. He is your brother. I was too shy to tell you. I still am.”

"You aren't making any sense," he puffs, suddenly sounding a bit angry or maybe tired. Perhaps both. "One second you are declaring you love my brother, and then you say you are bashful about it. It doesn't make any sense." Your hold around his fingers tightens, and he throws his head back, leaning against the cold metal. It would be good to feel its bitter licks against his naked skin, to sober up, jolt back to you, away from his illusions and disappointments. But then, he thinks, even if you threw him into cold Antarctic waters, with your gentle hand in his, he could never be cold. That's why he softly adds, "And I've already told you. It's alright. No matter how I feel about it."

"And how do you feel about it, Rindou?" Instead of sounding bitter or disappointed or angry, you sound mellow and kind. You sound like everything you shouldn't. "I want to know."

When he speaks, it's not what you wanted to hear, but that's all he could say to you now. Or ever. "Ran is my brother, and if something happens, it's him I am going to choose. I want you to know that."

The last sentence is a regretful hum. Barely audible, but still evident. He clutches his eyes shut and holds his breath. What he said to you hurts him badly enough to have them closed forever and he supposes it’s painful for you too. He hopes it doesn’t hurt you as much as it does him. And he is glad it’s really dark in here so you can’t see his shattered heart.

In an ideal world you’d run away from him or at least be angry. You really should be. He gave you all the reasons too. He desperately wishes for your fury so it eases his turmoils - so he can be mad at you too - but it never comes. Instead, you fall in his arms and wrap your hands around his shoulders. You breathe him in and smile into his neck. This world, this version of you and him, and everything you are are too far from ideal. He loves it too. He loves you.

“I know that. And I know that you know that it’s okay. I’ll never blame you for choosing Ran and I’ll never leave your side. It’s not even a choice, Rindou. He is literally your brother. Your other half and your only family.”

“You feel like family too.”

The walk back to their apartment is mostly silent. Hand in hand, you stroll through the dark alleys of Roppongi that you both know so well, each of you thinking about each other. But thoughts can’t hurt anymore. Not after that small significant moment in the kids playground. Rindou can’t exactly pinpoint what happened, but something did. Was it what you said? Was it what he said? Or perhaps it’s the hug or clasped hands that took the weight from his heart away and glued its torn pieces back together.

And by the time you are actually inside the apartment, when everyone is already there and waiting for you, Rindou is calm and the part that constantly worried and kept him high on his toes is gone, he doesn’t even remember what it was like to live with it. It’s like he is another person, reborn and better. Still the same Rindou just maybe a tiny bit freer and the sparks in his eyes are shining with new light, new colour, not the absence of it.

So, when you enter the apartment and you take your shoes off and Ran who meets you by the door notices blood stains on your white socks [a never ending battle between new shoes and dancers] and he scolds you for not telling him earlier that your feet hurt while scooping you away, Rindou doesn’t worry. Nor for your feet. Nor for the ease with which you follow his older brother to the bathroom. Instead, he joins Haruchiyo and Senju who are already there in the living room. Together, they sort out the food you got in the 7-Eleven. For the most part, it’s silent, the TV is off and the door to the bathroom remains open. Rindou can’t see you and neither can Haru or Senju, but they hear you just fine. They hear the water running down and how patiently Ran instructs you to put your feet with socks on in the warm water. He then explains you how they mother and later he himself used to do the same to Rindou when he was little and his new pair of shoes would hurt him so bad, blisters became bloody mess that stuck to fabric of his socks and unless you wanted little Rindou to scream and cry and tear the skin and meat off him, you’d need to soak his feet in the warm water. This way it won’t hurt at all and Ran, assures you, he never wants you to hurt at all.

In the middle of this conversation Ran also points out that when Rindou was really small he always had socks with Super Mario print on them and if they were ruined for good, he would cry so hard, you’d think someone had died. To that Rindou rolls his eyes and Haru openly laughs, mouthing a silent really? And when Rindou nods, Haru laughs some more and shakes his head in pure amusement. If he or Senju catch on to something they don’t show it or maybe they knew all along, reading into sudden tenderness between you and Ran quicker than Rindou had. At this point, it’s all in the past. He doesn’t care.

The indifference remains when Ran makes you take a shower and dresses you in his clothes. His brother stays the same and you despite looking too adorable in Ran’s old loose black t-shirt, too are the same you were before. You still bite your cheek and you still sit between Rindou and Haruchiyo, leaning your head against Haru’s shoulder.

And yet, the stoic callousness Rindou has been experiencing through the whole evening, evaporates when Ran finds you sitting on the floor by the ceiling to floor window. The white letters that form actors and crew names flow inside the screen of their Panasonic Viera and the light in the room hasn’t been turned on yet. The boxes of instant ramen are left on the floor around the sofa and armchair. The air still smells like chicken and miso. Next to him Haru stretches in his place and yawns. Rindou is too exhausted - mentally and physically equally - but he doesn’t want to go to sleep yet. Today was different, but pleasant all the same. He doesn’t want this day to end. That’s why when Shion, who came along with Kakucho just after you were done with your shower, starts his usual post-movie banter about the hidden philosophy behind the story you just watched, Rindou happily joins, effortlessly lurking into the conversation. It’s then, in the middle of the heated argument that Rindou tries to justify his judging of the poor choice that the main character made in favour of her lover other than her career that he finally takes in consideration the vacant place to his left. He wanted to ask you what you think, what would’ve you done if you were to choose between your dream job and your boyfriend.

But you aren’t beside him and Rindou hadn’t noticed when you disappeared or why.

The confusion on his face must be evident because Kakucho who sits opposite him grins and with his chin points at something behind Rindou’s back. He doesn’t really need to turn his head and see for himself what’s going on. Kakucho’s happy mischievous eyes tell him all there’s to know.

But he does turn and he does see you and Ran talking in low voices in front of the dark night and myriads of small lights of someone else’s lives. The whole room falls silent then and in this short pause Rindou remembers how you once told him that those windows are your favourite place to be in their apartment.

It’s like you are alone in this wild wild world, but never lonely. Just how many people live in Tokyo. Isn’t it crazy we are part of them? Do you think they think about us too sometimes?

You must be telling Ran exactly the same thing or something along those lines you shared with Rindou years ago. His eyes shift into two slits and he smiles at you. Softly. Fondly. Lovingly. His hand rises to your face, caressing it gently, thumbs ghosting over your jaw. The closing credits end and the TV blazes with white colour so bright it lights up the whole living room and bits of kitchen. But no one seems to care. Everyone watches Ran leaning into you and planting a kiss to your lips. It’s sweet and familiar. It holds something sacred that no one in the room even after witnessing it would understand. It’s beyond everyone.

"You mean to tell me that when I asked for her number and Ran told me she’s seeing someone, that someone was him?" Fully confused, a cloud settles over Shion’s scrunched face. "What a fucking bastard. He should have just told me she was his."

At that, Kakucho laughs and shoves his elbow between Shion’s ribs, then winks at Rindou whose cheeks are now burning red. “Some things aren’t that easy to voice, Shi. Especially when it comes to love. It’s not like Ran would’ve come up to us for love advice. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Shion hums in agreement, still seemingly perplexed at the sudden revelation. It’s not clear whether he even understood Kakucho’s comment.

“And besides, you'd be a moron to think that Ran wasn’t seeing someone,” Kakucho adds, resting his head against the back of the love seat armchair. He closes his sly eyes and bites his lower lip to hide a smile.

“Why is that?” Shion asks, obviously believing that "the moron" comment was directed at him. He turns his head to the left, looking at Kakucho, who cracks his right eye open. The playful smirk is still on Kakucho's lips.

“Because when that little bimbo girl that Ran was going crazy about made a move on him in the club, he rejected her.”

“Which girl? When?” It's clear that Shion doesn't remember the incident, and neither do Rindou, Haruchiyo, or Senju. They all eagerly wait for Kakucho's explanation, but he remains silent.

The tease that he is, he only opens his mouth after finishing his can of Coca-Cola.

“I don’t remember her name, but I think it was written with the kanji for 'blue.' She kept mentioning it to Ran. Like, 'Don’t you think it’s pretty? Don’t you like it? You said you liked it before,'” it's evident that reminiscing about this is quite painful for Kakucho, and Rindou genuinely pities him. He hates Ran's fickleness. He hates Aoki Ogura even more, even if she was never one of the girls he slept with.

That it’s her Kakucho is speaking about Rindou has no doubts whatsoever.

“Oh, well. It’s not like Ran had ever liked a decent girl. They were always so fucking annoying. Remember the one that barged into the classroom for him to talk things out?”

Down the memory lane they go, and Rindou barely listens to them anymore. There’s nothing new for him to hear. He too became a victim of Ran’s romantic encounters. [If you can call them as such, because besides sleeping once and never again, Ran and those girls had literally nothing going on].

“Our baby isn’t annoying,” eyes lidded from tiredness Haruchiyo whines, invisibly tugging Rindou by the hair out from his thoughts. Kakucho and Shion too turn at him, slight surprise on their face and Haruchiyo groans seemingly disturbed that he would need to elaborate. “My baby isn’t annoying or something. She is the best and Ran actually really really really likes her. So don’t say he never liked a decent girl, cause my baby is the best and Ran loves her very much.”

The trip in Haruchiyo words is intentional and that’s how everyone knows he is being sincere. No one argues and Rindou pats his shoulder, agreeing.

You are the very best.

And, yes, his brother likes you a lot. Loves, even.

xviii.

This January is awfully rainy and Haruchiyo thinks it fucking sucks.

Not because of the dampness and the cold, but because he can’t light a cigarette outside on the campus and instead needs to smoke in the clamped smelly toilets. Observing the rain, he actually likes it since he’s been a little kid, from the circled window adds little to the pleasure of inhaling the fog into his lungs.

At this point he might as well give up on smoking.

In slow deliberate motions he pulls the pack out of his trousers and cracks it open counting the cigarettes. He places a bet that if it’s more than seven he won’t give up and if it’s less than that then maybe his smoker habit will end now.

Eleven cigarettes look back at him and he smiles, kisses the pack and slips it back into the pocket.

Today is his lucky day.

“Knew I’d find you in here.” Across the bathroom scrawls a harsh slap of the door and Rindou barges in. His blonde hair disheveled and wet from the rain. He doesn’t need to tell him that he’s been outside a mere second ago. There’s a grave coldness from his damp coat and his heart. Haruchiyo squints his eyes and decides, almost certain, that you two haven’t talked yet.

“I assume you haven’t talked yet,” as always straightforward Haruchiyo doesn’t wait for Rindou to bring up the topic.

He dives in without a single pint of hesitation. He cocks his head and laughs when Rindou shakes his head an affirmative ‘no’.

In between those two weeks you haven’t spoken with one another, it seems like nothing much really changed. When it comes to you Rindou still loses his ability to speak coherently. He still lowers his head down and looks at the floor. This time he also steals a cigarette from Haruchiyo’s “Hope”. The irony in seeing Rindou clutching to a literal hope in his hands would be funny, if this irony wasn’t a suffocating pool of your tears and sour expression.

So he doesn’t laugh. Haruchiyo suffocates.

For just a little while he needs to talk about something else and that’s why he recites to Rindou who now sits on the low windowsill about the bet he had earlier with the cigarettes. Any other day, they would laugh at it so hard and Rindou would tease him so badly, the back of their throats would hurt them from saying too much and talking too loudly. But not now.

Now Rindou just cracks a smirk and crashes the cigarette between his fingers. The white paper snapping in two.

Then, he is back to you. [Like always.]

“Is she alright?” Is all he asks.

Any other day Haruchiyo would tease him, but not today. Not now when his best friend is grayer than the clouds outside in the sky.

“Caught her crying yesterday while she was making us tonkatsu. Said she’s fine and it’s just onion.”

“There wasn’t any onion?”

“Bingo,” Haruchiyo puts the cigarette out, pressing its flame against the white wall. There’s quite a few fading black spots of the same size around the surface indicating he’s been here before.

“I miss her,” the confession slips out of Rindou’s mouth effortlessly and easily, but the dead weight in his chest doesn’t lessen. It hurts all the same. “I can’t talk to her though. I mean I am totally on Ran’s side. How could she believe her out of all people? I swear if that little bitch told me she fucked Ran I would’ve never believer her.”

And that’s a lie and they both know it.

“She haven’t told her she fucked Ran. She’s been whispering about it with Misa when my baby was there practising. She made sure she heard that and then she added he called her little love while he was balls deep inside her. Of course it hurt. Fictional or not.”

Rindou sighs, banging his head against the window, drops of rain chaotically sliding down. “No doubt, but Ran told me nothing of the sort happened. Besides, he hasn't seen Aoki in a while. Ran might be Ran, but this is not a thing he would do.” “Then, he should’ve explained himself properly,” Haruchiyo retorts, his smart eyes peering into Rindou. “One text and no visits screams to me as a lack of interest.” “He is just too prideful and it’s not like it’s easy on him too. All he does is sleep, eating and beating the shit out of me. Yesterday he snapped because I put soya sauce in the fridge and apparently you don’t store it there. There’s a cupboard for it,” the mocking comes out perfectly and Haruchiyo cracks a smile. He spots a light purple colour he hasn’t noticed before on Rindou's cheek and presses his lip into the thin line. Smile evaporating from his face. Again, it’s gloomy. “You know, Haru, I might try to talk to her on the day of the showcase. I am quite positive Ran might come around by then too. We can go celebrate it at Shabuan then. Yeah. That’s what we do.” Your showcase is five days from now and Haruchiyo doubts much will change and yet he hopes. And so he nods, gathers his things from the floor and hugging Rindou by the shoulders leads him to the dining hall. After smoking he is always hungry.

Just a day before your grand performance Haruchiyo stops by your apartment and spends the night.

All you do is talk and it’s light and enjoyable and for the first time this month his heart stings a pretty pain. And that’s why, desping knowing, it’s wrong and the time is not right [but when is it right?] he mentions that Rindou is coming tomorrow to see you.

The brief glint of joy that lights up your eyes doesn’t escape him. But it’s there for a mere second and then you are you again. Without Rindou or Ran in your life.

“Tell him to stay in the back then. He would distract me with his stupid face and I want everything to go smoothly tomorrow,” he knows you are only half joking and he makes a point to actually hold Rindou at the back. But then it won’t do any good, because you’ll stumble upon him in the crowd anyway. You two could never escape each other and Haruchiyo feels slightly jealous. Then, you add, in a whisper. “It might be my last year at the university after all.”

It’s a slip up on your side because your eyes go wide and you stare at him and then hurriedly you sprint to the bathroom and stay there for seventeen minutes and when you come out you say you are going to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day after all.

Patient and sweet, Haruchiyo nods and takes a step forward, lurching you into a big hug. He kisses the crown of your head and feels you tremble in his arms. You might think he is someone else, but he is not, and he leans back, looking at you with a genuine kind smile that screams at you you are home and whatever you do I’m right here.

He knows he doesn’t need to say anything and yet he does. “Whatever you do or say it’s right to me. If you want to drop out then be it. If you want to switch majors or change universities be it. Mhm? Now, go rest and do your best tomorrow. I'll be right there and so will be Rin.”

You nod at him and disappear to your bedroom. Back in time, you would always share the bed, but today there’s a pillow and a blanket on the sofa and it’s been almost three weeks since you’ve been with Ran and yet you still have his claim over you.

Hands on his tummy Haruchiyo lies on your sofa. Green plant with wide leaves tickles his feet and he stands up to move it aside. He wonders if even one night Ran spent on his couch and he laughs to himself at this absurd thought.

Of course not. Ran’s place is by your side. Body is made of muscles, flesh and skin, Haruchiyo thinks, blood and bones. Hair and nails.

But not yours.

Yours is made of Ran touches and his presence. His sweet words and loving stares.

It probably eats you alive on the nights when he is not with you. On those days you are restless and tired and lonely and your body is burning and your mind is tortured. On those days you think, you think, you think and there’s no end to it. No salvation and no easiness. No ice pressed to the wound. Nothing. Just you and black absence of Ran and what he is.

Today is such a day and it hurts you and Haruchiyo drowns in your pain as nothing more exists in your small apartment in Nippori.

On the day of the showcase it’s snowing. The world is white and very beautiful.

Despite it being awfully cold Haruchiyo is only wearing a thin leather jacket Senju got him for his eighteenth birthday years ago. It’s his favourite. Under it is a thick navy sweater. This too is a gift, but from you. A spontaneous one. You said to him you got it because it reminded you of him. How and why you associated it with him is a mystery. He never asked you. But he likes it no less than the leather jacket.

He is wearing them both today.

When Rindou comes in, cheeks red from cold and hair messy from running down the hall, he is afraid he missed your performance.

“The road was so fucking slippery and Ran wasn’t home so I used my Kawasaki to get here,” Rindou explains in a hushed whisper.

“Does Ran know today is the showcase day?”

Before replying, Rindou rolls his eyes. The question is a bit stupid, Haruchiyo agrees. Ran knows everything about you. “Of course he does. And I told him about the dinner too, but he hasn’t said a thing back which is a good sign. He might actually come. I was hoping he would be here already, but I guess you haven’t seen him.”

Haruchiyo shakes his head. He hasn’t seen Ran here and when he parked his own Kawasaki - a model just below Rindou’s - he didn't see Ran’s car everywhere. Not that he looked specifically for it so it might be that he just hadn’t noticed it.

The conversation between them is cut short, because you appear on the stage. There’s no music yet. Just a red draped curtain behind you and a circle of light in which you stand. All eyes are on you, but it seems like no one notices the slight shaking of your right hand that is raised in the air. Nor do they see your wobbly legs.

The music plays and you start to dance. This time, unlike last year, you don’t have a costume on. It’s your usual practising attire that you wear. A leotard and shorts. And Haruchiyo wonders if it’s meant to be that way. He squints his eyes and tries to convey what your dance is about, but he can’t understand a thing. It confuses him because never before did that ever happen.

Haruchiyo blinks and turns to Rindou. [He believes Rindou always understood you better. Which isn’t true at all. He just tries harder.]

“What the fuck is going on?” Is all he says.

“She’s hurting. Physically. Something is hurting her, but… It’s her feet. Shit! Haru, we need to stop it. She’s hurting herself.”

The broken clock inside Haruchiyo clicks and all the gears fall into their right place. For once he gets it. The strange outfit, the mannerism, the simplicity of it all and the absence of everything. The blood on your feet and wet stains you leave after yourself.

In the second row someone is sick. The small girlish voice shouts something that couldn't be heard under the weight of your performance. No one can tear their eyes away from you and even Rindou who was so eager to help you stays frozen to the place.

Cruelty and violence are always marvelling. It’s in their ugly beauty that people find themselves.

It ends as quickly as it started.

The girl from the second row marshes through the open door to the safety of the halls and Haruchiyo recognizes in her Aoki Ogura. He notices her crying red face, but does nothing to stop her. There’s guilt evident in her scared eyes and Haruchiyo hopes she suffocates in it. The last thing he hears from her is her throwing up somewhere down the corridor. He wonders if she’s embarrassed. For what she did to you and for the pool of acid that somebody will clear up for her lately.

The light is on and the music is off when you take your dance shoes off and shake them in the air. The broken glass and razors waterfall to the floor and you smile widely. Almost insanely. Your mouth quivers as if you want to say something, but at last you don’t. You place your shoes soaked with blood in the middle of the stage and bow. Then you leave. Then Rindou takes off and latches himself onto the dean of the Univercity. His beige coat covers them both as he strikes the old man in the face. Once. Twice. Thrice. No one is stopping him.

Everyone is still staring at your shoes.

The night is dark and the snow is still falling when Haruchiyo finds you splayed out on the asphalt in the middle of the parking lot.

For a mere moment he stops and he feels like the whole world stops too. It’s silent as he paints the image of you laying on the ground with a thin white veil hugging your body that reminds him too much of cerements.

The image is sorrowful and it’s beautiful. Like you, this night and bloody snow.

Your wounds are still open and bleeding.

“What on Earth were you thinking?” As always Haruchiyo isn’t harsh or reprimanding you.

He isn’t Rindou to scold you for your stupidities and he isn’t Ran to worry about you more than he needs to just because you are you. Haruchiyo loves you in a special way where he doesn’t try much, but gives you everything anyway.

“I just wanted them to see what I am,” you utter, cracking your eyes open. “Just wanted them to know I am enough. No glass or razors can stop me.” There’s something else you aren’t saying, but Haruchiyo knows what it is already. He kneels down to you and a smile on his face matches yours. Tired, but triumphant.

“Art is a beautiful form of expression, isn’t it?” The question is rhetoric and he isn’t expecting you to answer him so he takes a deep breath and takes your hand in his. A mere reassurance and everything beyond it. “Now, let’s get you to the hospital. Gotta make sure you are okay.” ‘Thank you, Haru.”

“Anytime, love.” The night is dark and beautiful and full of light that shines right through you and those you care about.

Since early childhood Haruchiyo hated hospitals.

He hated the lethargic smell, the richness of white colour everywhere and apologetic gazes of the stuff. Blunt himself he couldn’t stand the half-said truth and insincere apologies. He avoided hospitals like plague. And maybe if Rindou wasn’t so occupied with getting his anger out on the dean, he wouldn’t have taken you there himself, instead handing this task to Rindou.

But here he is. An hour later with you submitted and Rindou in the emergency care getting his broken nose checked. Doctors said he might need a cast. Haruchiyo can barely picture Rindou with a white cast across his face, but he laughs nonetheless. He doubts it will cut the girls off Rindou though. The last time he got into a fight - on your behalf again - and had bruises all over his face, every single girl at university had fallen in love with him. Thus, if they weren’t in love with him before.

Haitani curse.

So, Haruchiyo really really really doubts the cast will scare anyone.

More time passes and then Rindou joins him in the waiting area. Without cast, but with a plaster across his handsome face. Haruchiyo grins at the sight and Rindou elbows him between his ribs. Not hard. Playfully.

All the anger gone from his being.

As they wait for the news on your condition they stay silent. Each thinking of you, but probably in very different contexts. It’s only fair as you were never the same for them. Stagnancy and constancy were never your forte. You are the best at evolving, moving and… dancing.

The doctor leads them both to your appointed room. He is a handsome male in his early thirties and he is very to the point when he says that you will be okay and that they cleaned your wounds and bandaged them and that you will need to do the same procedure for at least two weeks until you are fully healed. Some cuts were too deep, he mentions, if they weren’t it wouldn’t take so long. He mentions that you also needed stitches on your left sole, but it’s too nothing to worry about and you don’t need to get them taken off at the hospital, they will dissolve with time.

He tells all that under three minutes that it takes him to guide boys to your room. He opens the door and hastily adds that today you will need to stay here, but tomorrow you can probably go home. Probably. If the blood that they drew from you is good and there’s no infections.

The chances for that are low. Don’t worry. And with that he is gone.

On the huge medical bed with both your bandaged feet poking out of the thick duvet you look almost comical. Haruchiyo wants to say just that, but notices how your eyes widen and mouth hangs open and then your arms are open, inviting Rindou for a hug. In his hold you cry.

“I am so sorry,” you repeat again and again.

It’s a loud mantra, a plea, and Haruchiyo isn’t that sure it’s intended solely to Rindou.

“You shouldn’t be. It’s okay. I am glad you are okay. I am so fucking glad you are fine.” But Rindou can’t peel himself off you and Haruchiyo understands why. He understands why your fingers are in his blonde hair and why your tears salten his cheek; why you can’t pull yourself away from his comfort.

He doesn’t interrupt. He lets you soak in Rindou and lets Rindou enjoy the feeling of your warm skin. The sight is quite usual to him - you and Rindou, and Haruchiyo to have always been very touchy among each other - but there’s something new, something raw and therefore incredibly sincere between your bodies that attracts his attention.

He feels like he is intruding so he turns away and walks to the window. The snow is still falling and the night is quite dark, but in the parking lot he can see Ran’s white Honda that stands proudly under the light of the streetlamp and his mouth stretches into a knowing smile. Haruchiyo closes his eyes thinking that what were the odds of your windows facing the fucking parking lot.

Life, it seems, is full of sweet coincidences and their outcomes.

“Honestly, I was half expecting my brother to get expelled at one point, but you, love? Never.”

Ran’s voice is sweet with just a tinge of mocking to it. Only he can speak like that. Haruchiyo is a firm believer no one in the whole world can insult you and charm you at the same time as well as Ran can.

And then it’s you and Haruchiyo doesn’t need to turn around and open his eyes to see how you slowly pull away from Rindou. How you close off for a second, eyes going wide as if you witnessed the most vile horror. How your lips tremble and how your whole body melts. How you pick yourself up and notice the soft gaze that Ran reserves only for those he loves. How he looks at you and no one else.

How you understand once again what it means and how you fall into Ran again. How you love him and how he loves you.

Love is yet a foreign concept to Haruchiyo and he hates hospitals, but he thinks he understands.

He doesn’t need to see to feel it all.

“I was dropping out anyway,” you confess. “What’s in the bag?”

“Purin daifuku, those pizza chips, Pocky and soda.”

“You didn’t bring anything for us?” If Rindou tries to hide the fact that he is a bit offended, he does it poorly.

“No, I didn’t. You can’t stay here for the night anyway.” Ran says in his usual calm tone. Then he addresses you. “I asked if I could take you home today, but they told me we need to wait for the results till morning. Stupid if you’d ask me. But I’ll keep you company. You both can go now.”

Under different circumstances Haruchiyo would have argued with Ran. Just for the sake of it. But right now, when he turns around and sees Ran sitting on your bed, his long hair down, head resting against yours as he holds both of your hands in his, all the words die in his throat.

But not Rindou’s. His best friend seems agitated. “What do you mean? Why can’t we stay and you can?” “Only close family and such can stay with a patient overnight. If I were you I wouldn’t be worried about that, but about an ugly bruise that’s gonna appear on your face tomorrow. You better go home and apply that Kobayashi cream we have. Works like a miracle.”

“Since when are you her close family?” Deliberately Rindou ignores Ran’s warnings, latching onto what he wants to know. “Okay. Let’s go, Rin.” Haruchiyo grabs Rindou by his elbow and pulls him towards the door. “We’ll see you both tomorrow.”

When Haruchiyo closes the door behind him he catches the last glimpse of you and Ran. For a split moment that will forever float between those walls of the patient room, he sees Ran leaning closer to you. He watches as his fingers brush across your jaw and your breath hitch. Ran smiles at you and his smile is so gentle, so loving, so comforting and reassuring. Haruchiyo understands why you were hurting so much when Ran wasn’t with you. He finally understands the longing.

And yet, the smile is nothing compared to the way he looks at you. The pure raw affection he reserves just for you, that was never and will never be spent on anybody else, excludes Haruchiyo fastly and sharply. He is not needed there. No one is.

He closes the door and sighs. Maybe hospitals aren't that awful after all.

The thin paper doesn’t do much to prevent their asses from freezing. It was Rindou’s idea - a bad one - to lay down a thick layer of newspaper he spotted in the reception room on the parapet so they could sit on it and share a cigarette before deciding what to do next. Now it got all soggy from the snow and brought more wetness. It was like sitting in a dirty puddle.

But the view from here was quite serene and a cigarette pleasantly burnt their throats so none of them moved. Before them was a highway and each passing car passed so fast from where they were it looked like it flew in the air. Their tires high in the sky, the lights guiding beacons. It reminded Haruchiyo of a sci-fi movie Takeomi once rented at a DVD store near their old flat. Title and plot of it was completely forgotten, but finding himself in a similar scenery brought back the unusual feeling of childish excitement. Something new was before them and Haruchiyo couldn’t wait for it.

“Don’t you feel a bit sad?” Asked Rindou breaking the silence.

Haruchiyo expected this question and even though he was thinking of the perfect answer for it for a while nothing right came to his head. Maybe there’s questions and problems that will never be solved and maybe that’s okay. Maybe not everything needs to be perfectly in order.

“Don’t we always feel a bit sad?” The cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth Haruchiyo turned around and looked at his best friend. “Wouldn’t it be a boring plain world if we were happy all the time?” Rindou shrugs. Between the snowflakes and lights from the hospital windows he looks exceptionally beautiful. “I wouldn’t mind being happy all the time.”

“You only think so, Rin. And anyway it’s not like she’s gone. She’s still our best friend and will always be this. You were stupid to not talk to her. Now that you finally made up I can finally tell you that.”

Haruchiyo laughs. His laugh is dry, but sincere. The bark he produces would suit a gangster way more than it suits him now, but maybe under the layer of time and all possible varieties that is our life somewhere out there he is one.

Everything is possible and nothing is sure.

“And don’t you think Ran always kinda liked her? I thought that it might be because she’s your best friend that he is attentive to her, but now that I am thinking about it I am not really sure.”

Rindou takes off his fogged up glasses and reaches Haruchiyo to wipe them with the sweater you bought. He sighs. “Well, yeah. I mean Ran isn't a douchebag to other girls, but he was extra nice with her. I wonder when he understood it. She told me they spent a lot of time together during summer. So it probably happened then.”

“Probably.” Not that it matters now, Haruchiyo wants to add, but doesn’t. Instead, he asks. “What are you gonna do now that you got expelled?”

“I am going to run a nightclub. Make my fucking dream come true. Ran said we have enough money to rent a decent place in Roppongi. In a couple of years if everything goes alright we can buy it and make it truly ours. What do you think she’s gonna do?” The wind blows south and snow stops falling. Everything seems still. Somewhere behind in the building is you and Ran. Probably talking or kissing. It doesn’t matter since you have each other. And Haruchiyo has Rindou. And to be honest, you are never truly alone. There’s always someone with you or within you. Present now or in the past.

Wickedly Haruchiyo smiles and stands up from the parapet. His pants are thoroughly soaked, but he is warm. Despite everything, today is a good day. “Don’t you know? She’s gonna look out for the kid her and Ran made a couple of months ago.” Haruchiyo watches Rindou’s face fall and he laughs, licking his lips. “I am kidding. Or not really. Saw a test in her bathroom when I stayed over and she mentioned dropping out to me. Said she was sick of dancing. Don’t make such a face, Rin!” Haruchiyo laughs again and again and then Rindou laughs too. “We can think about this in the morning… Now don’t you want to eat something? I am fucking starving.” “Ramen or soba?” “Soba.” “Well, soba it is then. Let’s go.” Their motorcycles roar a long time after they are gone, but the smell of youth they carried never fades away.

It stays forever.

#haitani brothers #haitani x reader #haitani ran imagines #ran haitani #ran haitani x y/n #ran haitani x reader #ran haitani scenarios #ran scenarios #ran fluff #ran #tokyo rev x you #tokyo revengers #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo rev smut #ran smut #rindou haitani #ran x reader #tokyorev x reader #tokyo revengers x reader

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mavrintarou · 2 years

Text

[12:32 P M] - Haitani Ran

I'm sorry for ghosting you all, I have been having the hardest time trying to break out of my writers block for the two on-going stories. So, here's what has been occupying in my head rent free - Haitani Ran.

Warning: 18+ mentions of gunshot wound; Ran being Ran; soft Ran; smut; protected to unprotected sex(oops); mentions of pregnancy; mentions of Shinichiro's death Note: nothing edited. I've been caught up in some Ran stories and couldn't get this off. I promise I have not abandoned the other two stories!

Second part

Haitani Ran knew he was in love with Y/l Y/n the moment she hovered over him, pressing her small hand against his shoulder to stop the bleeding.

He got shot; he fucken got shot at.

Having experienced gunshot wounds in the past, he had encountered moments of peril. Yet, as he glanced up and beheld an angelic figure hovering above him, a profound sense of certainty gripped him. Ran thought this was it; his sins had finally caught up to him, and this beautiful angel was here to take him away; if she were the one taking him to hell, he would gladly go.

Or was she taking him to heaven?

Especially when she ripped off her shirt, only wearing her black tank top, and used the material to press down on his shoulder. The pain he felt earlier is gone as his eyes gaze at her cleavage exposed to him.

Would she grant him one last wish? To allow him to smush his face against her tits?

Ran had a smile on his face, his mind floating away in his imagination. Amid the moment, he feels his blood rushing down south.

“Hey.” The angel speaks, or was it the grim reaper? She hovers over him, her lengthy hair hanging, making her look even more exquisite. “Stay with me.”

His eyes slowly droop, “you’re so beautiful…” and he reaches a hand to touch her face. His blood accidentally smeared against her cheek, and he drops his hand, “sorry, love….”

“You’re fine… just stay with me here… I’ll get you fixed up, and you’ll be good as new again… what’s your name?”

“Whatever you want it to be,” he grins at her cute and confused look, “but you can call me… daddy.” He lets out a chuckle when her lips curve into a smile. Did she like that?

Hell, if he hasn’t already accepted death, he would gladly welcome death in exchange if she called him daddy.

She smiled, shaking her head at his delirious nonsense, “you’re funny even as you’re bleeding to death, aren’t you? I think we will be great friends.”

She looked away before he could reply, his mouth lagging with this stupid, careless gunshot wound. He wanted badly to grab her chin, to keep her eyes only on him. Only on him, but he couldn’t feel his hands anymore; they were so heavy. She asked someone nearby what his name was.

“Ran,” her angelic voice calls his sweet and heavenly name. Would it still sound the same when he’s buried deep inside her, filling her up?

Goodness, he wanted to fuck her right here, have her ride him to his death.

He wanted to cum so badly – cum inside of her.

She looks like she would be a perfect mom for his baby. He could knock her up and leave his heir behind…

Leave his legacy behind.

He’d accept that.

“Ran, what’s your favorite color?”

He closes his eyes and hums, “lilac….”

“How old are you?”

“However old you want me to be….” He had a gut feeling she was older than him. She was too perfect to be his age or younger.

She looks so mature… so ripe… so beautiful.

Since puberty, Ran has known and has always been attracted to older women. They were just better… they were his cup of tea.

She mumbled something he couldn’t hear or understand. He was getting tired, eyes slowly drooping closed.

“Is he all right?” He heard a male voice ask.

Mikey?

“Yeah, he’ll be all right.” His angel answered.

Sleep was slowly taking over, and he didn’t want her to disappear the next time he opened his eyes.

With every ounce of energy he had left, his hands reached up and cupped her breasts, filling his large palms and giving them a handful squeeze.

Satisfaction and happiness were written all over his face.

“Ran,” Mikey’s voice is dangerously low, “I don’t care that you’re hurt… get your fucken hands off my sister-in-law right now. ”

The last of his juice power depleted at the three words, sister-in-law?

. .

Ran hasn’t felt embarrassed in a long time.

When he made his recovery and remembered what happened…

He couldn’t remember the last time he wanted to dig up a hole and hide in it.

Especially when the angel he remembers was staring at him with a smile that made his cock hard as a rock the moment he woke up.

Mikey introduced her to the team a few days later. The annoyance on his face was clear as day as everyone gawked at her.

It was rare to see a woman on the team.

Y/n is dangerously beautiful.

He was one of the many gawking at her from the side.

He was still flabbergasted that she saved his life.

He owed her his now.

With that, Mikey made it very clear that she was off limit, shooting a silent glare at Ran specifically.

Mikey announced, “she is someone important to me. That means she is someone important to Bonten. Protect her with your life.”

Sanzu Haruchiyo might be number two, but Y/n was number one-and-a-half.

She was the fiancée of his late brother, Sano Shinichiro. They had planned to wed a month from the day he died precisely. Y/n remained part of the Sano family regardless, and Mikey was not going to discard her, and he had no intention to when she was the only remaining family member left after Emma’s death.

She was the older sister he never had.

Ran knew nothing of her existence.

Sure enough, the reason for that was that she had been overseas working as a medical doctor and had only returned at Mikey’s request.

She will be the doctor for the executive members.

Ran wanted to have a physical examination at this moment.

. .

If Ran couldn’t have her…

Well… he had no choice but to keep himself distracted from her.

But he couldn’t.

He only came to the main house for executive meetings. Every executive member had their own room, but no one wanted to stay there since it was hidden in the mountains, away from their work or territory. Like most other executive members, Ran had his own condo and sanctuary when he needed a mental, physical, and emotional break from reality.

But lately, he’s been finding himself at the main house.

Because that’s where Y/n was staying.

He had only discovered she was staying there alone after a last-minute visit to the main house. It was either the Gods testing him or on his side. He was on that side of town, and it was late; he figured he would crash for the night and return to work in the morning.

He honestly had no idea she was staying at the main house until he walked in, and the smell of delicious food hit his nostrils.

Y/n had her back towards him, humming at the stove, and for a second there, his life flashed…

Ran imagined how coming home to a wife making dinner would be.

Loud music was blasting, and she had not heard or felt his presence until her instincts kicked in and she turned around; her eyes widened when she found someone standing behind her, only to smile immediately when it was just him.

She greeted him with a smile, making his cock twitch. “Just in time, come eat.”

Ran learned that she spent her day caring for the house and contemplated picking up a part-time job, but there was nothing nearby that she could work at. She also needed a position where she could immediately step away to tend to a situation.

“Mikey won’t let me leave unless I have a bodyguard.” She chugged her beer, something he found extremely sexy.

“You can come to stay with me? I have extra rooms.” He leaned back against his chair only because his pants were getting too tight. He would have to sit for a bit longer until his cock settled down. He sees the lightbulb in her head go off; she is considering it.

Was it a good idea?

That meant he would have a more challenging time controlling himself. That also meant he would have to be quieter and not moan her name loudly when jerking himself off in the shower.

“I might have to consider that,” she smiles, “but I don’t want to bother you. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to be able to get a place under my name since I gave up my Japanese citizenship.”

“You can stay with me however long you want.”

He came practically every night, having dinner with her.

Just the two of them.

Every night.

It was hard to leave, especially when he discovered that her room was right next to his; they were the only two on the left wing of the house.

They would say goodnight and good morning to each other.

Ran was finding himself falling harder each day and night.

She would cook and clean, keeping herself occupied, and he swears by the Gods above that her face lights up when he enters the house.

Of course, it was only short-lived until everyone started returning because it meant a home cook meal from Y/n. It became a routine that every Sunday, it was a fucken family-executive dinner.

Y/n was the mother hen of the house, cooking and cleaning and taking care of everyone, and it was pissing Ran off that everyone intruded on his private time with her.

The conversation of her moving in with him was swept under the rug; he didn’t know if it would happen anymore.

He walks out of the shower, wraps a towel around his hips, and leaves the bathroom when another body collides with him.

His arms instantly wrapped around the small body, steadying them; instantly, he knew it was Y/n. She was the only other person on this side of the house.

Ran indulged himself, even if it was two seconds – he got to hold her, and she felt wonderful in his arms.

She was small, a head shorter than him, and he wanted to devour her.

She gasped, and he looked down at her, confused, and that’s when he realized his towel had slipped, pooling at his ankles.

His cock was still hard even after he’s jerked off. “Fuck…”

Y/n looks up at him, cheeks pinkish, “Ran….”

Ran cups her face, no longer caring. “Please Y/n… let me kiss you…” he never felt so desperate before.

His eyes widen when she cups his face, pulling him down to meet her halfway; her lips press against him in a soft kiss before she pulls away slightly.

“Satisfied?”

He blinks, dumbfounded. “Again – do it again… I wasn’t – ready.”

She pushes herself onto the tip of her toes and kisses him again, this time deeply.

His hands drop from her face, and he holds her waist, pulling her against his body. He takes the invitation when her mouth opens and slips his tongue to dance with hers.

Y/n wraps her arms around his neck, pressing her chest against his, mouth moving hungrily over his.

“Ran,” she breathes, breaking the kiss, but he shifts his mouth to her jaw, nipping and kissing down to her throat. “We…”

He didn’t want her to tell him to stop. Or tell him this was a mistake; he’ll do anything to convince her that this is right and worth it.

“Bed – bedroom…” she utters when he nips the spot along her neck, where he feels her pulse beating fast like his.

Abandoning the towel, he lifts her easily, making her wrap her legs around his torso as he carries her across the hall to his room.

He sets her back on her feet; his forehead pressed against hers. He finally catches his breath, “you… sure this is what you want?” One hand touches her cheek, thumb rubbing her lower lip.

Her eyes are wavering, and he panics – if she had second thoughts, he would let her go.

It’ll kill him, but he’ll let her go.

She tilted her head towards him until the tip of their nose touched, and she closed her eyes, whispering softly, “Ran… I haven’t – I haven’t done this since Shin… I haven’t wanted anyone but him, but… God help me… I want you so fucken bad.” Her eyes open, looking at him straight in the eyes, “I want you, Ran, or so tell me to leave now….”

His lips curve into a smile; he reaches behind him and twists the lock on the doorknob. “You’re fucken crazy if you think I’ll tell you to leave; I was going to tell you to tell me to leave.”

He backs her towards his bed, grabbing the ends of her shirt and pulling it off.

“But this is your room.”

She was moving back when he stopped, seeing her naked underneath her shirt. She smirked at him and proceeded to push her shorts down her legs.

Y/n stood completely naked six feet away from him, waiting for him. “I hope you weren’t expecting a supermodel body….”

Two strides and Ran closed the distance between them; his mouth met hers to kiss her stupid – for thinking and assuming the worst of herself.

He pushes her down onto his bed, pushing her legs so he can settle in between. “I’ll show you,” he says between kisses, “your body here is what I’ve been dying to taste… to have… and,” he nips her lower lip, earning a whimper from her. His cock jolted; he couldn’t wait to hear her whimper when he finally fucks her. “I never expected you to have a supermodel body.”

Ran pushes himself onto his knees, admiring her glorious naked body that will be beneath him shortly.

But first, he palms her tits, groaning at the feeling of skin-to-skin.

At last, doing what he wanted to do the first time he met her, he smoother his face against her chest.

Her soft giggles were new to his ears, and he loved it.

“I wanted to do this the first time I met you,” he says, pressing both mounds against his face before taking a puckered nipple into his mouth. He teased the sensitive nipple before releasing it and doing the same for the other side.

“Ran,” Y/n moans, “enough… I want you.”

He would have to wait a bit to pay ultimate attention to her tits later; now, he needed to be inside of her.

“Condom…” he mumbled out loud. He really didn’t want to leave between her legs but rolled away to the draw by his bed, blindly fumbling around until he found one. He frowns when she moves from where he left her to find her in the middle of his bed. Crawling towards her, he used his teeth to tear the packet, pulling the condom out to roll it on his aching cock.

He resettles himself between her legs. “I’ll try… to go easy.”

He watched her hands rub along her slit and circle her clit. “I’m not fragile, Ran.”

He groans, “don’t – don’t say that. I don’t want to scare you away…” he rubs the tip of his cock against her slits, “if you can’t tell, Y/n, this isn’t going to be a one-time thing… I probably should have told you that but too late now. No turning back.” He slips the bulbous head past her folds, feeling the tightness. “Relax, baby…”

Ran didn’t know if she liked those endearing names, but he didn’t just say it to anyone.

He kept his eyes on her; this was about her. Her eyes were closed, teeth clenching down on her lower lip. He was about to stop pushing, not even making past the entrance of her divine walls, when she widened her legs, pushing her pelvis towards him.

Ran fell onto one elbow when the tip of his cock came in contact with her soft, warm walls. He was going to nut into the condom any second now before he could even fit his whole cock in.

“More,” she whispers, “more, Ran.”

He sheaths his entire length inside her until he can go no further. Her chest arches off the bed, and he takes this moment to allow her to adjust.

There are many things Ran takes pride in; one of them is the size of his cock. He knows he’s big. Large. Top of the line.

And he knew how to use it well too.

He rolls his hips slowly, and a soft moan escapes her lips.

Her legs shift alongside his torso, accepting him deeper. “Ran… Ran, you feel so good….”

His pace quickens, and he drops his weight onto her, caging her in and beneath him.

Forever, if he had it his way.

Fuck, he wasn’t ever going to have enough.

Y/n cups his face, bringing his mouth to hers in a soft kiss.

His hips pounded into her, lewd skin-on-skin slapping echo his room with their noise.

Ran has never had such an intimate kind of sex before. It was always a fuck. Just sex.

He sounded crazy and knows he’s crazy… but this was more than just sex.

“Fuck… this is so good… so fucken good…”

Y/n nods her head, a moan echoing off her lips. “Ran… I’m so close….”

“Me too, baby….” One hand reaches between their bodies, and he rubs her sensitive nub, bringing her to the peak. “Cum, Y/n, cum for me baby…”

Her nails dig into his biceps, body shuddering in bliss. “Ran!”

Ran snaps his hips hard twice before stilling, shaking in his release. He groans her name hotly into her ear, squishing her to the mattress.

Her breath fans his ear, and he quivers again when he feels her hands feathering down his back.

Immediately, he lifts his weight off her so he’s not squishing her. “Sorry…” he shifts onto one elbow, running a hand through his hair.

He’s at a loss for words.

Usually, he leaves for the bathroom and cleans up, which is the cue for the woman to leave.

But he doesn’t want her to leave, let alone he doesn’t want to pull out yet.

Ran blushes at her gaze on him, “I hope… you’re okay.”

Her finger traces the Bonten insignia tattoo on his neck, then the tattoo on his shoulder and chest. “It was phenomenal, Ran.”

His heart was about to burst out of his chest.

“Ran,” she pulls him back, “I… I need to use the bathroom.”

“Oh, yes, sorry,” he sits back and then gets distracted by seeing them intimately connected.

And he feels his cock twitch.

He didn’t want to pull out.

“I promise… I’ll come back.” She assures with a smile.

How was she so perfect?

“Sorry…” he mutters, slowly withdrawing. He groans when he pulls out completely, instantly missing the tightness of her walls.

“Oh,” Y/n whispered, shifting herself onto her elbows, distracted.

They were both looking at the mess they made.

A real mess.

The condom… broke… torn as the tip of his cock was fully exposed.

His eyes shift to her wet pussy, and he swallows the lump in his throat at the sight of his cum oozing out.

Internally, a wave of panic surged through him. It wasn’t solely due to the intimate connection they had just shared but rather his apprehension about how she would respond. However, her laughter abruptly snapped him out of his daze; he found himself gazing at her, a perplexed expression adorning his face.

“Don’t worry; I’ll get the pill later.” She sits up and wraps a hand around his neck, pulling him in for a quick kiss. “Would it be so bad if I was to get pregnant, though?”

. . .

Tag: I know this isn't your usual Haikyuu... but I'm going to tag you anyways cause I miss ya'll.

@callmeraiderer @chaotic-fangirl-blog @eadyladlegard @wolffmaiden @idiotic-clown @jojowantstocry @erintaro @imnotjo @vicolangelo @chickflickjunkie @ebiharachan @mfreedomstuff @omissanitizerlol

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izubabes · 2 years

Note

OMG YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I ENJOY READING YOUR WRITING (WILL STAY AS ANON BC THIS IS AN NSFW REQ AND IM SHY :')) and since your requests are open here i am (◠‿・)—☆

scenario: them hooking up one time and her denying she liked it and avoiding him for weeks. then they run to each other in the campus, him dragging her to a vacant room smirking, she says "need something, haitani?" "you know exactly what I need”

and when it gets 🌶️🌶️ please add a scene where she says panting "this is a one time thing" he smirks while licking his fingers "liar."

THANK YOU BEFORE DHSKAK <3

𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐒𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭!𝐑𝐚𝐧 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝: 𝐖𝐡𝐨 𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐚 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝? 𝐑𝐚𝐧 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐥𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬: 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝, 𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐢-𝐩𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐜 𝐬𝐞𝐱, 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞: 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐫𝐨𝐧 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐩 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲, 𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐈 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭. 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭, 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧! (っ◔◡◔)っ ♥

The hot gossip on campus? Ran Haitani never goes after the same girl twice, no matter how much pleasure she brought him. As soon as he's satisfied, it's onto the next gorgeous gal who'll let him into their bed. He's known as a walking sex god; anyone would be blessed to have him stick his dick inside of them at least once. Charismatic and overwhelming handsome and Roppongi’s local celebrity? He was born lucky.

Rumor has it he fucked an entire sorority house, leading to their messy disbandment in which he was the sole reason to blame. He became the university’s resident fuckboy, the top dog who could anyone at his feet when he came calling. Word on campus always spreads like wildfire especially when it comes to the popular crowd and their colorful activities.

“Ran Haitani knows how to work those hips… He made me squirt all over him! He likes it messy.”

“Ran can last way longer than my ex did! I would ride him again, no questions asked.”

“Ran is such an animal in bed! He nearly broke my back, but it was sooo worth it. Rindou's dick game is just as powerful.”

“I heard Ran likes it rough, I would die for a chance to get in his pants, I know for a fact he’s packing!”

Ran Haitani is a menace. You never cared for the delinquent nor hearing the details of his vibrant sex life. You had shared a couple of classes previously, but you hated the way he had blatantly stared at you like he wanted to eat you. He never bothered to speak to you either, clearly too focused on other matters than to introduce himself properly despite the way he constantly ogled you.

If he wanted to waste his college career by fucking every set of pretty legs that caught his attention, let him do so. You promised yourself that you would never cross paths with either of the Haitanis, opting to indulge yourself in your studies in order to graduate on time rather than doting on men who would never want more than to hit it and ghost you afterwards.

Your roommate, Kana, interrupted your thoughts as she showed you an incoming group text on her phone. "Hey Y/N, did you hear the news? Ran and Rindou are having a kickback party at their place this weekend. Practically everyone on campus is going, girl! We should go enjoy ourselves for once instead of wasting our youth."

You rolled your eyes at the alluring suggestion, an overwhelming feeling of disgust arising in your gut. Any explicit mention of the Haitani brothers rattled your bones with pure distaste. "Kana, I could care less about what Ran Haitani does in his free time. The bastard is a walking petri dish of STDs... I do not want to associate with him if it isn't required."

Kana clung to your side, teary and pleading eyes burning a hole into your wavering ones. She could be incredibly convincing with her signature pouty expression and relentless begging. "Come on, girl! It'll be fun, I doubt we would run into them anyways, they have their own inner circle of friends. We're just going to blow off some steam."

"I guess it wouldn't hurt... What could possibly go wrong?"

Call it a momentary lapse in judgement, a lesson from the godforsaken universe, a form of cruel karma that would serve a humiliating reminder of your actions. Alcohol was not a factor in this situation, considering the fact you hated the bitter taste and the way it lingered in your gut like a sick feeling you couldn’t shake off. Kana had disappeared minutes after entering the house, claiming she would come back with a couple of drinks for the both of you.

Yeah, right.

The air in the living room was thick with perspiration, drunk bodies swayed to the beat of the music as People shamelessly made out against the walls, groping each other for the world to marvel at. It was too much, too noisy, not enough room for a single puff of oxygen to pass through your lungs and it was becoming increasingly overwhelming. You pushed through the crowd in an attempt to find Kana or a bit of space, desperation crawling up your spine as the area became more and more condensed, the grip you had on reality was spinning at a ridiculous speed and loosening further and further. You bumped into someone’s chest, knocking their drink onto the floor, as you immediately began sputtering apologies. “I’m so sorry!”

“Woah babe, are you okay?” Ran had struck up a conversation with you, noticing how uncomfortable you seemed in the crowd of drunk partygoers. He offered to help you find a quiet place to relax no matter how many times you tried to brush him off during the encounter. Despite how innocent his intentions may seem; you kept your guard up as a means to keep yourself safe.

You panted, frantically trying to calm the way your heart ravaged your body, threatening to burst out of your chest. “J-Just peachy, Ran. What do you want?”

Ran put the pieces together in a matter of seconds, tilting your chin up to gaze up at him. He was clearly worried, glancing over your features for any sign of injury or distress, which caught you off guard. “You’re not much of a party person, are you?”

“I am!” You scoffed at the statement, becoming more and more self-aware of how the crowd of guests kept growing by the second, practically pushing you against his body. “It’s just too noisy… Kana should be around here.”

“Come with me,” Ran said, tugging on your hand before you could object. His tender grip was soothing as he effortlessly weaved his way through the masses, practically parting the seas with his presence. "You're going to pass out if you stay here."

Reluctantly, you agreed after so many incessant requests, following him upstairs and disappearing into the sanctuary of his room, ignoring the lewd hollers coming from his friends down below. Ran gently ushered you in, closing the door and muffling out the sounds of the mayhem from downstairs. He began picking up the stray clothing littering the floor, kicking away notebooks and readjusting the furniture in his space.

“Sit anywhere you like, sorry about the mess. I try to keep it clean, but Rindou always wrecks my room when he’s—”

You crossed your arms over your chest, sitting on the farthest end of his room, refusing to acknowledge the concerned glance he gave you as you spoke up with a stern tone. “I’m not going to sleep with you if that’s what you’re thinking about. I just came up here to catch my breath, I just need a minute.”

“Chill out, babe. I’m not gonna touch you.” Ran laughed, holding his hands in the air as he seated himself on the carpeted floor. Your scrutinizing gaze lingered over his figure, His orchid irises skimmed over your body, curiously sizing you up before landing on your face, a mischievous grin creeped up his cheeks. “Unless you want me to.”

You clicked your tongue at his comment, narrowing your eyes at him before shaking your head at the thought. Sure, he was attractive but you would rather stick your hand in a blender than become one his new sexual adventures. “In your dreams, Haitani. God knows how high your body count is.”

He placed a hand over his heart, feigning being gravely wounded by your words. A flicker of genuine hurt washed over his eyes, quickly replaced by a mischievous one in its stead. “You’re so mean to me, Y/N. I’m just trying to be nice. Let’s get to know each other better, yeah? I promise I don’t bite, cutie.”

An hour later you discovered that Ran Haitani is actually a fun person to talk to once you get used to his childish antics, he’s easygoing, speaks his mind freely but he will push your buttons with little comments and banter here and there. He refused to leave your side despite the many times you reassured him you were okay, arguing that he would be a rude host for leaving a lady alone.

You found yourself nearing his space, scooting closer and closer to his side as the conversation picked up momentum, Ran was currently sharing stories about Rindou’s most embarrassing moments throughout the semester. Particularly the time his brother accidentally keyed the wrong car on campus. “Oh my god, no fucking way. He did not!”

“Yes, he did!” Ran cackled, holding onto his stomach as he fell back onto the ground. His deep voice was melodic, a fine tune that you wanted to hear more of as the time passed. “Our professor was so pissed, he threatened to report him to the Dean of Student Life for damage of private property unless he helped cover half of the cost.”

“You know, I may not like you but you are nice company to have around.”

“Ouch,” Ran mused, pinching your cheek in return for the brutal remark. “You may be adorable but you’re vicious, Y/N.”

You slapped his hand away, continuing the relentless teasing unaware of the predatory glance Ran kept locked on your figure. “Aw, poor thing. Did I hurt your feelings, Ran? Are you going to punish me?”

Ran pinned you onto the ground, his towering figure hovering over your powerless one. He had trapped you so easily, it would be pointless to resist or fight back. His lips tugged up into a smug little grin at the way you squirmed underneath him. “You shouldn’t play with fire, sweetheart.”

"I'm not afraid to get burned, Ran."

It was supposed to be a teasing little peck, a tiny shred of revenge for the stunt he had just pulled moments ago. However, Ran Haitani’s soft lips are a sickly sweet drug, one that you craved the taste as soon as he pressed them against yours. He pulled you onto his lap, cock growing hard at the way you rutted your hips over his thigh. He pulled away, catching his breath before lightly squeezing on your waist. “How far do you wanna go, babe?”

You gripped his hand, bringing it under your skirt to rub at your clothed slit, panties dripping with your arousal. Ran groaned at the heat radiating on his fingertips, ready to blow his load into his pants right then and there. You licked a wet stripe on the shell of his ear, hot breath tickling the sensitive skin. "Does this answer your question?"

You found yourself in the stranger's bedroom, practically having the daylights fucked out of your body. Wet kisses and high pitched moans were drowned out by the blaring music coming from the raging party downstairs. Here you are, sleeping with the one person you swore to stay away from, what a fucking hypocrite. "Take it, baby! O-Oh fuck, this pussy is so tight for me, yeah?”

Ran Haitani was definitely not splitting you open with his cock, mumbling endless praises into your delicate skin, rubbing your sensitive clit just right when you were on the edge of an earth-shaking orgasm. He was different from all of your previous hookups, the ones who simply focused getting their dicks wet and left you unsatisfied in return. Ran had made your pleasure his priority, he treated your body like fine art, appreciating every curve, every sweet cry of his name, every delicious moan that escaped your mouth. "Make me cum, Ran. M'close, please, please... ah!"

Ran had gently cleaned you up afterwards, helped you put your undergarments back on, placed sweet kisses on your blushing cheeks and softly cradled you in his arms. Exhaustion made it impossible for you to fully process what just happened, choosing to lull you into sleepy trance. You had nearly believed what had happened was a twisted dream until you woke up with both of your limbs entangled with one another.

Ran’s sleepy breaths tickled the nape of your neck as you carefully slid out of the bed, piecing together the memories from last night. “No, no, no. This cannot be happening… not with him.”

The dim light of your cellphone illuminated the corner of Ran’s bedroom. You silently raced over and retrieved the device, skimming over the notifications that appeared on the screen as the dread from last night began to sink in. You slept with Ran. You fucked Ran. You hooked up with Ran. You were in Ran's bedroom.

15 missed calls from Kana.

50 text messages from Kana.

10 missed FaceTime calls from Kana.

The soft pads of your feet echoed the room as you gathered your belongings, being careful to not wake the sleeping figure that once laid next to you. Last night was never supposed to happen, especially with someone like him, the horny bastard who slept with anything that breathed. You contemplated what excuse to give Kana for not answering last night, knowing she would demand details regarding your whereabouts.

"Leaving so soon, gorgeous?" Ran's sleepy yawn cut through your thoughts, a lazy grin occupying his face. His raging bedhead was a beautiful sight to see, his dual-colored strands framed his face perfectly, free of the iconic braids he normally sported. A pair of grey sweatpants hung dangerously low on his hips, the dark ink on his chest was on full display contrasting against his porcelain skin. “We should spend some more time together. I had fun last night.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Haitani.” you muttered. It was too early in the morning to handle his merciless teasing as the embarrassment began to pool in your gut. The lack of light in the room made it nearly impossible to find your shirt, you settled on a nearby sweatshirt that could cover your exposed chest. There was no way you would admit to someone as prideful as Ran that he was the best man you had ever laid with. “You could barely make me cum. I had to do all the work.”

“Oh?” Ran's curiosity spiked at the statement, his inflated ego bruised from your verbal assault, it would be awful of him to leave you so bothered with his actions. Honestly, he really wanted you to stay so you could both talk things out properly. “Give me another chance, see if that changes your mind.”

“No thanks,” You replied, stalking towards the door and leaving him in the dust. “I have better things to do than fucking you.”

Ran has never been left more stunned and frustrated in his entire life.

Shit, where did she go?

Ran caught glimpses of you in between lectures but you always skittered away too quickly as soon as the class ended. His legs couldn’t keep up with the sudden turns in direction you made once he caught your trail. He begged Rindou for help on searching for you to which he immediately declined, citing the previous times he was bitched at by his brother's past flings. The utter desperation on his older brother's face eventually made him cave into his wishes, knowing he could never leave him to hang dry.

“This is fuckin’ stupid,” Rindou grumbled from his location in the bushes, he had already wasted twenty minutes of his life helping Ran with this idiotic situation only to receive no results. "Have you ever thought about... Oh, I don't know. The fact that she's not into you?"

Ran shushed him, rebuking the foul idea that you didn't reciprocate his feelings. Call it a spark, or something similar, but he knew there was a hidden motive behind your avoidance. Ran knew you had enjoyed your time together as much as he did, why were you so quick to deny it?

"Quiet, Rindou. I need to see her again. I can't explain how or why but she definitely stole my heart."

"Whatever you say, bro. Better be worth it if you're chasing after her like this."

The brothers hid in the bushes for three hours, declaring defeat after university police threatened to arrest them for loitering. Rindou could have sworn he caught a passing glance of you discreetly walking out of the residence hall as they were scolded by the officials and escorted to their own building. He shot you a pissed off glare while you picked up the pace, subtly flicking him off in the distance, Ran was too busy sweet talking the officer to notice.

Ran can go to hell...

You had begun escaping the dorms at odd hours in order to avoid running into Ran, knowing he would surely come knocking on your door. You hid in the library for hours until you were sure he wasn’t lurking around campus after classes had ended. You avoided the dining hall despite how hungry you became, opting to walk to the shady convenience store nearby for some food.

It was pure agony to have one stupid decision ruin your life like this. What does he want? You have nothing to offer him.

You learned a painful lesson over the past few weeks: Ran Haitani never gives up when he finds something he wants. He learned your class schedule and waited near the doors to see if he could catch you on the way out. When you failed to appear he decided to head back, until he recognized one of the students as your roommate, who had left you for dead at the party. “Hey, you.” He called out, catching her wrist as she paced faster at the sound of his voice. “Is Y/N in your class? Was she here today?”

“She’s not feeling well,” The girl lied through her teeth, unwilling to entertain the older Haitani's antics. Ran wasn't buying it, noting the way she fidgeted under his piercing gaze. She spoke again, adding more details to her explanation. “She’s missed the last three days of class.”

Ran sighed, caving into defeat once again for another day. He would stop by your dorm again tonight to confirm if you really were sick, ready to receive radio silence from the other side of the door once more. He turned his back to her, waving as he walked away before adding, “If you see her around, let her know I need to talk to her.”

“He’s gone,” Kana whispered into the classroom, scanning the hallway once more for good measure before calling you over. Your panicked head peeked out of the side of the doorframe, “It’s okay to come out, Y/N.”

A relieved breath of air escaped your lips as you stepped out of the classroom. “Thank you, Kana. I owe you one.”

“No worries, girl.” She smiled, leaning in close to whisper in your ear. “I wouldn’t want Ran Haitani on my tail either. He’s bad news.”

The words she spoke held truth to them, but they left a bitter taste in your mouth. Sure, Ran Haitani doesn’t have the best reputation, known for owning Roppongi, carrying a menacing baton with him at all times, and being a member of the notorious S-62 Generation.

Even so, he had a gentle side he had given you a moment to relish in.

Hiding from Ran was a feat you knew you couldn't keep up forever. Unfortunately, the following day was the destined date you were meant to run into the menace. You had spotted him heading towards the same building as you, presumably for a class around the same time, before stopping in your tracks and dropping your books onto the concrete. "Oh my fucking god, not now."

The abrupt noise caught his attention as he raced over to your panicking figure. You violently picked up your textbooks and speed walked towards the steps leading to the entrance. His long hair flowed freely in the wind, reminding you of the time you woke up next to him, he must have gotten up late this morning considering the fact he only had on sweats and a loose tee shirt.

“Y/N!” Ran called out, chasing after your distant figure before completely catching up within a couple strides. He was over the moon, the subtle giddiness in his voice gave it away. “I've been looking for you. You free tomorrow—?”

“Busy,” you replied curtly, ignoring the way he instantly pouted at your words. He opened his mouth to speak again just as you ruthlessly cut him off. “I’m late for class.”

Playing hard to get? Two can play at that game.

The lecture hall’s doors opened, signaling the end of the class period. Ran was leaning against the wall, violet eyes scanning the crowd of departing students until he locked his gaze with you. He could the hear the melodic sound of your voice piercing the air as you made conversation with one of your classmates.

“The final project is worth twenty percent of our final grade? I wish we could work independently instead of having to— Hey! What’s—!? Ran, let me go!”

He tugged on your arm, dragging you through the hallway before pushing you into an empty classroom, discreetly locking the door behind him. He freed your arm from his grip as you backed several feet away, embarrassed as hell from the stunt he just pulled. You narrowed your eyes at him, displeasure evident from the way your lips pursed at his growing smirk. His intense stare reflected nothing but pure unadulterated bliss, damn maniac. “Need something, Haitani?”

“You know exactly what I need, baby.”

Instictively your mind raced to the only possible conclusion: He wanted one more chance to hook up with you. Surely that was the reason he was seeking you out so desperately. Public humiliation must be some sadistic kink of his considering how much he loved to toy with your life. The thought of it ignited a blazing fire in your bones, manifesting as pure venom in your words. “If you want some quick pussy, I’m not the only girl on campus—”

“You haven’t left my mind since the night of the party,” Ran stated, cutting you off just like you did earlier. “I miss you, baby.”

A frustrated sigh escaped your mouth, he didn’t make an ounce of sense. “For all but pure reasons, I assume?”

“Sit on the table, we need to talk.” Ran ordered, biting back a sinister smile at the way you obediently followed his instructions. “Admit it,” He demanded as he stalked towards your shorter figure, caging you in between his arms and peering down at your flustered face. “You’ve been avoiding me, huh?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you answered. The standoffish front you had so meticulously put up was beginning to crumble under his domineering aura. Ran Haitani was a notorious playboy, you knew that by heart, it would be ridiculous to believe he could actually be bothered by someone ghosting him after a quick hookup. “We hardly know each other.”

Untrue, Ran had first noticed you in a previous class of his, he nearly failed the course because he too enthralled by your beauty to focus on whatever the professor was babbling on about. He admired the way your notes were always neat, the way you always walked in with a sweet smile, the way you apologized when you ran late, the way you offered to send notes to absent classmates who needed to catch up with the material.

Unbeknownst to you, Ran had always admired you from afar, silently waiting to find the right moment to approach you. A secret crush that weighed heavy in his heart until he mustered up the courage to properly confess. Unfortunately, skirt chasing had become his rumored profession after a previous fling of his caught feelings and wanted to spite him for not reciprocating. Ran had overheard your conversation with Kana in the hallway about the party, he was secretly hurt knowing you viewed him in such a negative light.

“That’s the issue, babe.” Ran said, cupping your cheek, stroking the supple flesh with his thumb. “I wanna get to know you better, Y/N. I want you to get to know the real me, too.”

You examined his alluring features; it was second nature to be able to spot of lie from a mile away. Ran was being truthful; his orchid irises bore into your eyes with such a lustful craving that it drove you absolutely insane It was difficult to tell who had made the first move but the tension between you two boiled over in an instant. Ran’s lips trailed down your neck, teeth nipping at the skin ferociously in order to leave long lasting marks. He wanted to make sure the next person who had the chance to touch you knew you had belonged to him. “Do you want this?”

As if the incessant nodding of your head wasn’t enough to send a clear message, you crashed your lips against his again. “I need to hear you say it,” Ran said, pulling away from your needy mouth to hear some kind of verbal confirmation. “Do you want to keep going?”

“This is a one time thing,” You panted in between heated kisses, removing your shirt and bra as fast as you could. Ran’s hands roamed your body finding solace until they reached the fabric of your shorts, tugging the material and your panties down before sliding in two of his slender fingers, scissoring you open as your rich moans tumbled past your lips.

“Liar.” Ran smirked, licking his glistening fingers coated in your dripping arousal. He knew you had become putty in his hands, willing to do anything he said in order to selfishly chase after your own high. “Wanna take my time with you, but we gotta do this quick,” He said, leaning down to lap at your cunt, the sensation of his tongue invading your body made you delirious.

“Right there,” You whined, craving more of the delicious feeling, his fingers curled inside you, hitting the spongy bundle of nerves that has your vision turning white and babbling nonsense. “F-Faster, oh fuck!”

“Say this pretty pussy is mine,” Ran hummed breathlessly, detaching his hand from your twitching clit, slowing his pace enough to edge you on the brink of release. “Or I won’t let you cum.”

“You’re such an asshole,” you whined, bucking your hips up in an effort to receive some necessary friction. His fingers stilled inside you, refusing to move unless you did as you were told. The ache in between your legs begged to be taken care of, you could feel the stings of your incoming high fading away as the seconds passed. “Fine! It’s all yours, Ran! Fuck, s’all yours.”

“Good girl,” Ran muttered before diving back into your wet folds as his skilled tongue continued its assault on your aching core, coaxing you into your first orgasm of the afternoon. He eagerly drank up your sweet release, loving the way your gummy walls constricted around his mouth. His violet irises peered up at your pleasured expression, engraving the sight into his mind. “That’s right… You only cum for me, princess.”

He gave you only a minute to recover as you watched him free his thick cock from the restraints of his sweatpants, lining up with your entrance. His thick head prodded at your cunt; he slowly pressed the tip inside, stopping as soon as he saw your eyes screw shut in pleasure. Ran's hand harshly gripped at your chin, tilting it upwards to face him. “Keep your eyes on me while I fuck you properly.”

“Feels good, so good– oh god!” You gripped his toned arm, head swaying side to side as he stretched you open with his girth, bottoming out as your walls fluttered around his pulsating length. Ran kissed you with a burning passion you had never experienced before. It wasn’t needy, it was loving, sensual and sweet.

“You’re so beautiful,” He praised, setting a steady pace with each snap of his hips, watching the way your pretty tits bounced up and down as he sank his cock into your folds. Ran's self-restraint was out the window as soon as he bottomed out inside, ramming into you mercilessly as your nails dug into his back. "Gonna make a mess."

“Ran! Oh yes, Ran!”

He clamped a hand over your mouth, muffling the erotic cries of pleasure erupting from your throat. The angelic symphony of his name brought him closer and closer to his high, grunting and groaning as your gummy walls clenched around his length. Your whimpers echoed within the classroom as Ran's warning penetrated your ears. “Keep quiet, sweetheart. We don’t wanna get caught.”

Having someone walk in and find the both of you in this comprising state didn't sound half-bad, if anything it only you more insatiable. The tight coil in your gut snapped without warning, allowing you to gush all over Ran's dick as he marveled at the sight. “I’m close, darling… shit, stop squeezing like that. Need to pull out!”

Ran sprayed his cum all over your thighs and tummy, in love with the image of you marked with his seed. He reached for nearby cloth to wipe you down, muttering apologies about how he made a mess. At the moment, you were too fucked out to care about whatever the hell he was going on about. The room kept spinning in circles, the air was thick with sex and sweat, his words barely sounded coherent in your mind. “R-Ran, hang on. I... need a minute.”

You both basked in the afterglow of your highs, uneven breaths becoming stable after a couple of minutes. The light in your eyes finally returned after what seemed like an eternity, consciousness clearing enough to form proper thoughts, realization hitting that you had just fucked inside an empty classroom on campus.

“Hey there,” Ran whispered, slowly grounding you back into reality. His hands rubbed soothing circles into your twitching thighs, massaging the skin with his palms. It was a sweet gesture after he brutalized your body in a span of twenty minutes. “Are you good, sweetheart? I went rougher than I thought, sorry.”

“You did so well for me,” He pressed a lingering kiss to your forehead, heart leaping at the way you wrapped your arms around his neck, craving his warm embrace. Ran indulged your neediness, nuzzling his warm cheek against yours, adoring the way your chest felt pressed against his, heartbeat erratic as he calmed you down. “You’re so cute.”

“Let me help you get dressed,” He said, reaching for the stray clothing before coming in contact with a white sticky substance staining the material. It was then that he noticed it was the same cloth he had used to clean you up earlier. “Your shirt’s covered in— oh, my bad.”

“Are you serious, Ran? You’re buying me a new one.” You snapped, snatching it out of his grasp, irritated with the fact he had just ruined one of your favorite tops. “I have a sweater in my backpack, can you please get it?”

Ran recognized the oversized clothing, it was the one he had spent the past few weeks wrecking the entire house for. He had ultimately blamed Rindou for losing it despite his constant denial he always shot back regarding the godforsaken clothing. “Is this my hoodie?”

You had forgotten that you had stolen it the first time you fucked Ran. Of course, there was no way to lie out this situation without looking completely stupid. You jerked the material over the upper half of your body, ignoring the way his devilish grin grew wider by the second. “D-Don’t get the wrong idea, Haitani. I was going to return it.”

Ran shook his head in response, admiring the way it found its new proper place on your figure. He wanted to see you in more of his clothes, practically drooling at the thought of it. “Keep it, sweetheart. It suits you.”

“Your hair’s all fucked up,” You mumbled, focused on his tousled strands as a way to ignore the blazing heat rising in your cheeks. A curious hand reached out to toy with the strands around his face, it was soft to the touch, silky and smooth. “Can I braid it?”

“Go for it,” Ran grinned, eager to receive more of your attention as he pulled up a chair. The words you had muttered earlier lingered in his mind, eating away at his bleeding heart. “Did you mean what you said?” He asked as your eyes sent him a curious look, “About this being one time thing, I can respect that.”

“No,” You admitted, gently running your fingers through his hair, beginning the styling process. The bittersweet expression on his face tangled your heartstrings more than expected. Pushing him away did you no good, it only hurt both of you in the end. “I don’t know why I said that. People talk, you know? I’m scared of what rumors I’ll get roped into.”

“I like you,” Ran blurted out, slightly surprise with how quickly he was confessing despite constantly fighting back the urge. He always crumbled under your presence; it was difficult to think clearly when all he wanted was to have you at his side. “Can we try to work something out? If you want to, of course.”

“I like you too, idiot.” you laughed, securing the final braid with an elastic hair tie. You placed a fleeting peck on his cheek, avoiding the stunned expression on his face. “All done. Wanna watch a movie at my dorm?”

Ran leaned in close, an unsettling glint flickering in his captivating orbs. “One condition. Can I cuddle you?”

“Wow, you're such a softie!” You squealed, pinching his cheek as he rolled his eyes at the very true statement. Ran laced his fingers with yours, bringing them up to his lips and placing a soft kiss on your knuckles. “Just for you, sweetness.”

You slid off the table, stumbling a few feet forward as your legs attempted to stabilize themselves after being brutalized by Ran's passionate lovemaking. There was no way you would be able to walk properly without getting a few questionable stares from fellow students and staff. "This is your fault, Ran."

Ran fought back a laugh, leaning down and positioning himself to receive your body weight. "I know. Hop on my back, pretty. I can piggyback you in style."

A scarlet blush adorned your cheeks as you rejected the offer, a mix of self-consciousness nipped at your spine along with pure humiliation. "Oh hell no! You're going to break your back hauling me halfway across campus."

“How else am I going to take you to your dorm?”

"This is embarrassing..." You whispered, hiding your face in his neck as he lead you out the doors while you were perched on his body. A couple of students stopped in their tracks to get a double take of the scene in front of them, pulling their phones out to record and share amongst the others. “People are staring, Ran!”

"Relax babe." Ran smiled before sprinting across the pavement as you let out a surprised scream. His large hands kept a secure grip on your thighs, reassuring you that he wouldn’t drop you. His amused laughter rang in your ears as he ran across campus like an idiot in love. "I was born with long legs for a reason!”

The hot gossip on campus, you ask? Ran Haitani has a girlfriend.

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arminaneka · 6 months

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Tired

Content: You were pregnant with your 3rd child for ran, it has been an emotional roller coaster lately days of Ran not coming home and you having restless days and nights.

Proof read 1 time (sorry for any mistakes) 😔

Fluff with a little big of angst and smut (not really smut)

It was around 2:35 am when you jumped up out of your sleep because you heard your youngest daughter Rendi crying. You looked over to the left side of the bed to see that Ran wasn’t there so you got up and made your way to Rendi’s room. As you entered the room and picked her up she stopped crying, you went into the living room and placed her in her crib while you went to the kitchen and put on the hot water to make her a bottle.

Yesterday was so exhausting for you, you barely got any rest because you were busy giving all your attention to both your kids and Ran promised that he was gonna be home early and it’s the next day and he isn’t even here to help you. What makes it even worse is that you’re pregnant with HIS 3rd child and he’s hasn’t been doing anything to help you. You were so glad that your oldest Ramie wasn’t awake because if she was awake you wouldn’t be going back to bed rn.

As you were boring the hot water in her cup the cup slipped and the hot water spilled on your feet cause you to curse.

“Fuck, why is this happening to me rn” you cried out. At this point you were on the verge of crying you haven’t gotten barely any rest between the last 24 hours. You wiped up the mess, made her bottle and put her bottle in some cold ice water so that it can get warm. When the water was cooling you heard the front door open and you didn’t bother to look who it was be you knew who it was.

Ran walked right next to you and you instantly smelled alcohol on him. You pushed him away and told him to go shower but he still sat down right next to you. “Hi doll” he said while looking at you smiling. You mumbled a quick “hi” and ran knew that you were upset at something, so he decided to ask you what was wrong. And you didn’t want to sugar quote anything so you told him as is. “Ran I’m honestly so tired of you coming home late at night and some days you don’t even come home, then I’m left with not just my kids but also yours and that’s so much stress because I barely get any sleep” you said all in one breath. Ran looked at you for a moment before he got up and went into your shared room, not long after you heard the shower running and you sighing

You started to feel guilty about what you said to Ran because you know the type of job that he has and you knew if he could have helped out he could have. But the thing was that he never called nor text you to say that he was coming him. In your own thoughts you didn’t even realize that He came back out into the living room looking sexy as ever but you weren’t gonna tell him cause you were still upset. “Alright. So I’m not working tomorrow” he said while taking up Rendi and manspreading in the couch. “I’m sorry doll” you heard him say. You turn to look at him only to see him looking at you, you sat there silently not knowing what to say.

“I understand if you don’t wanna talk to me right now but I’m trying, ok?. If you want me to explain why I wasn’t home I ca-” you cut him off before he could finish. “Ran you know I don’t ask for much, all I ask for you to tell me if you’re coming home or not so I can prepare myself but all I get is nothing” “I know I know and I’m trying, I really am” he said in a an regretful tone. You really didn’t want to go back and forth with him so you just decided to let it go and forgive him… “Alright, give me her. You have food in the microwave if you’re hungry.” You said taking her from him and walking into her room putting her to bed. Walking back out into the living room you saw Ran still sitting into the same spot as you left him “aren’t you hungry” you asked getting the food out of the microwave and handing it to him. “I’m hungry but not for food” he said while giving you a smirk…

Before you could respond the food was placed on the counter and his lips were smashed onto yours. You didn’t hesitate to kiss back because you missed his touch, how he tasted and you missed many more things. You parted yourself from to kiss to catch your breath, you look up at him to see him smiling waiting for you to respond. “You have to be gentle tho” you said to him. “I’ll try but no promises” he say picking you up and walking into the bedroom closing the door.

#tokyo revengers #mikey tokyo revengers #chifuyu x reader #tokyo revengers mitsuya #ran haitani fluff #ran haitani imagines #ran haitani x you #ran scenarios #ran x y/n #haitani ran x reader #ran haitani #tokyo revengers imagines #tokyo revengers headcanons

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xxelfmamaxx · 2 years

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Bonten x y/n 💖

(Credits:tuzu_maru[Twitter])

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evourein · 1 year

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MOONLIGHT - DUKED INTO COLLEGE!

ran haitani x gn!reader

previous ; masterlist ; next

summary ran has always adored you even before you were popular. and at the height of your fame, you have been getting anonymous letters and gifts from a special someone, who just so happens to be ran. despite all those gifts and letters, what if he, a broke college student, becomes your sugar daddy and catfishes you?

taglist @kruellaaaa @gulfkfl @diestheticu @yeosatinyngz @oh-i-have-the-plague @heartonthemoon @fl4mepillar @yourkazunana @q-the-rockaholic @shuujin @bontensbabygirl @voldimir @bluerskiees @zanashair

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white-poppie · 2 years

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How Ran Likes em'

Characters: Ran Haitani x reader Genre: Crime AU Warnings: casino, poker, gambling, drinking, suggestiveness Writer: @ white-poppie

Song recommendation: Gangsta by Kehlani

This fic is an excerpt from my book: L'appel du vide (Please check it out !!)

Tokyo Revengers (東京リベンジャーズ)

"Wait how did I lose again?" you pouted fakely, staring at the dice.

You liked the black dress that you were forced to wear. A tight bodice that fell till your knees and renaissance-style puffy sleeves that adored your shoulders.

Your phone lay in your purse, connected to it was a chip, Naoto and Mitsuya could hear everything.

"You bet 5 and it landed on 6," the man chuckled at your unknowingness, "first time here?"

"Yeah, my friend said she would be here, but she cancelled at the last minute, so I thought why not try a hand when I am already here," you muttered, "but I am failing miserably!"

"Wish someone could teach me though," you whispered softly, but loud enough for your prey, no rather your hunter to hear.

Cloudy violet eyes travelled across the table, meeting your gaze, you pretended to squeak in surprise at the encounter (which wasn't really pretence, because, boy were you scared.)

Ran raised his eyebrows at your reaction, a little toothy smirk adorning his porcelain face.

He walked over to your table, a hand swirling the Vodka glass in his hands, standing behind you, he chuckled when you visibly tensed at your position.

"Need a hand, pretty?" he said huskily and you shivered in slight fear, "I'll help you with the game."

"That- would be g-great thank you" you answered, suddenly the corset wrapped around your waist felt much tighter.

"Are you from Japan?" he questioned

You fake gasped and smiled, "yes! you too sir?"

"Mhm," he smiled, secretly liking the fact that you addressed him as 'sir.'

✅: Ran loves being called sir.

He looked at the host, "what game you playin'?"

"Hazard," he answered.

"Ooh, a simple one," he said breathily, "Listen, doll, you'll be given two dies, choose a number between 5 and 9 and roll, you get money or get money taken from each right or wrong answer."

"Got it," you nodded taking the dice in your hands. Shaking them in your hands.

"Pick a number," the host asked.

"7," you answered and rolled the die and it landed on 7!

You smiled at the host, he passed you the 20000 yen ($150)

"Ooh~ you are a first learner," Ran grinned.

"I calculated the median (middle value) as soon as I understood the rules, a high chance of a win," you answered sweetly.

"Impressive."

✅: Ran likes em' smart

"Say, doll, wanna watch me play poker?" he asked and you nodded shyly, how pretentious.

Ran chuckled and guided you to the poker table, everyone there just screamed 'rich' without even uttering a single word. The wooden table glinted under the yellow light, people wearing suits and their women practically stuck to them with glue.

"Give me the deck," he told a man who looked like he was in his forties.

"Eh? It's my turn right now!" he panted out, keeping a hand on the woman's spine who sat on his lap.

Ran smiled and took out the gun that was tucked under his shirt and kept it on the table, a kind smile was etched on his face, "the deck, old man."

The man gulped ad handed him the deck, and the lady squeaked in terror. "Let's go," he told her and left his seat, another man took the opportunity and sat opposite to Ran.

"Didn't know guns were allowed at Casinos," you said as calmly as possible.

"They aren't, but people make an exception f' me," he looked at you and winked. A few seconds of quiet went by as he spoke again, "what's wrong, doll, scared?"

"More like intrigued," you said cheerily.

Ran chuckled at your response, "aren't you an interesting one."

"By the way, I didn't catch your name yet," you asked.

This made him suddenly go stiff and for the first time tonight, you feared for your life.

"Usually I don't answer when people ask me this, but it's Haitani Ran."

"Ash(Hai) Valley(Tani) and Orchid (Ran), you have a pretty name."

✅: Ran likes em' occasionally bold

Ran laughed at your etymology of his name, "how adorable," he whispered, "let's start the game, shall we?"

Saying that Ran Haitani had skilled hands at Poker would be an understatement. His nimble fingers worked quickly through the card deck, shuffling his cards in some squanderingly extravagant way.

You weren't going to lie, you were impressed.

"You are so good at this," you said staring at his hands, "like a magician."

"Wanna see some real magic doll?"

You nodded excitedly, mentally groaning at the act you had to put up.

"Get me a Martini princess, I'll win for you til' then," he chortled, giving his opponent a dangerous glint.

You nodded and walked to the bar, "one martini please."

✅: Ran likes em' obedient

Ran wasn't lying when he said he was going to show you some magic. You had absolutely no idea how he had managed to win 10 million yen ($74,300) in a matter of minutes. He extended his hand and you gave him the martini.

"Cheers," he said while bumping the glass in the air, towards his opponent, he was mocking them. The man tsked and left at his humiliation.

You clapped in delight, "sir that was amazing!"

"You were the lucky charm, pretty," he smirked and you couldn't help but cringe at his blatant flirting.

"I failed to catch your name," he asked.

"Tanaka Yumi," you smiled while placing forward a fake name Naoto had given to you.

"Tanaka Yumi, would you be interested in working for my organization?" he asked, you heartbeat lifted at his offer, he had fallen right into your trap.

"Don't have to do much, just run a few errands, listen to everything the members say, calculate a little and most importantly, not tell a single soul where you were and what is happening inside the premises."

"May I know what is the name of the organization," you asked to appear genuine.

"Bonten." bingo.

You gasped at his statement, "Bonten as in the criminal organization?"

"Mhm," he chuckled, "you'll get a lotta money though, and if you disagree...I'll have to kill you because you know too much."

You gulped and nodded, "I-i- accept sir, I am in need of money, my brother passed away recently, he was the only one I had in my family,' you sniffled.

Ran cooed and patted your head in faux sympathy, "there, there."

You looked at the time and gasped, "I will have to leave now sir, would there be any interview for the job?"

"Nope, I am the interviewer and you are hired, come to work from tomorrow," he searched his pockets and took out a card, "remember doll, no harm will be done to you as long as you keep your mouth shut."

You nodded and bowed at him.

'Ran Haitani,' you thought.

'Tanaka Yumi,' he pondered.

"I am going to ruin you."

Tags: @rintaroubby @nanaseishiro @dislownini @idowritingandstuff, @bakaface @denkis111, @jazzylove,@maybeleftoverjourneys, @lordmypantsaresocool, @futuristicallykawaiiturtle, @kristaline2dmensimp, @astrofai

Tokyo Revengers (東京リベンジャーズ)

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mochiswifey · 2 years

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TR 260 BRUH

Like yo. What the fuck is these???!

Koko and Inui 🥹🤣 Is Senju seeing them like that?! Is she fucking tripping?!

And gosh, Benkei. He looks like an white old man angry because he couldn’t get the kids meal. Like c’mon man.

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littleoanh · 2 years

Note

Your bonter x doctor reader has been my food for this days, and i just want to say thank you. Also, not a request, but just because i love chaos, how do you think bonten would react if because of an acident, the reader has a short lost of memory? Worst if reader cant remember them but remembers Mochi, dudes would cry (Sanzu for sure). When she gets her memories back i think some of them would be so petty, like "how could you forget about me" + the kicked puppy eyes.

Hello Anon 🤗, I'm so glad you enjoyed the doctor reader! And oh my gosh, this is BRILLIANT! I love this type of chaos lol.

Mikey - Be devastated you forgot him. You are his Peach, how could you forget the nights you both cuddled together? But he is glad you are still alive, he already experienced enough losses in one lifetime. Though he isn't exactly happy that you only remember Mochi but it's better than nothing. He refuse to leave your side even if you don't remember him. When he was having a nightmare, that triggered your memory and you woke him up by consoling him. His heart is in an emotional wreck and couldn't keep his tears from falling. The next morning, he took you to a tattoo parlor so you can get a tattoo that says 'Property of Manjiro Sano'. He wants it to be etched into your skin so that you will never forget him ever again.

Sanzu - He would be one of the executives who would be bawling his eyes out. You broke his heart even more when you only remembered Mochi. Of all people, why Mochi? Though it would be even worse if you only remember Takeomi. Sanzu always thought you have a soft spot for him. Like how could you forget his pretty eyes that you always admired? Were you feeding him lies? He couldn't take this anxiety anymore and thought you weren't looking when he was about to pop some pills. You slapped those pills out of his hands and yelled at him for breaking his promise to you. His eyes widens, your memories are back! He cried in joy and giving you the best kicked puppy eyes and will definitely guilt tripped the hell outta you. Sadly, it worked.

Kakucho - When you couldn't remember him, it felt as though you stabbed him in the heart. What's even worse is that you only remember Mochi. Did you only remember him because you felt more safe with Mochi? Did you not feel safe with him? Even though he is sad, he would still go out of his way to take care of you. He wants you to trust him. His caring nature made you remember him. When you told him, he pulled you into his arms and held you for so long. There were tears in his eyes, you wipe every tear and giving him kisses.

Takeomi - He would have the most reasonable reaction, he is grateful you are alive and you remembered one of them. It would have been a lot more harder on him, if you completely forget everyone and decide to up and leave. He would try to do some brain simulation to help trigger your memories by making you your favorite meals and taking you to familiar places where he took you out on dates. Unfortunately, it didn't work. As a coping mechanism, he needed to smoke. You started coughing and he immediately tosses his cigarette away. You thanked him and said his name, he was in shock. Did smoking help brought back your memories? He can't understand science behind it but he was happy he brought you back.

Ran - Would definitely be speechless when you couldn't remember his name. He has the most handsome face in the group and you only remember Mochi?! He needs to fix you, right now. Ran believes the true way to get your memories back is by touching. Your brain may not remember him, but your body will. He touches all the places he knew you liked. You started to remember him, his sadistic smile widens and will definitely punishes you for forgetting him. One of the punishments would be by collaring you with his initials and having you on a leash.

Rindou - He is definitely one of the executives to cry, but his will be out of anger and frustration. Why did this had to happen to you? And why did you forget about him? And what's so special about Mochi? This really hurt this poor baby. He takes out his phone and made you look through all the photos the two of you took together. There was an embarrassing photo of him that triggered your memory of that incident and you burst into laughter. Now you've done it. He made demands for you to heal his broken heart by giving him kisses any time he wants for a month.

Kokonoi - Feeling completely absurd that you forgot about him. Is your relationship with him not worth remembering? He brought a whole team of the best doctors in the world to retrieve your memories. He will search every nook and canny to buy you the best medications to help with short term memory lost. But it breaks him every time you still can't remember any details of anyone else except for Mochi. He refuse to give up. When you asked for something to drink and he made you your favorite tea. You took one sip and instinctively remember him. He couldn't believe one simple gesture trigger your memories. He wouldn't guilt trip you but he's not letting you off that easily.

Mochi - Feels relieved that you remembered him, he would be so sad if you forgot everyone. Because you are vulnerable in your state of mind, he felt overly protective of you. When the Bonten Trio were overwhelming you, he didn't hesitate to throw them out. What he thought would help trigger your memories is telling you fun and happy stories about all of them. The way he calmly talk to you, it was as though he helped you walk through memory lane. Your memories are back and he couldn't be happier. When Mochi gave the good news to the other executives, they all rushed to you immediately and demands to know why you only remember Mochi. They talked about all his flaws out of jealousy 🥲.

Albie ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

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movedtolilmouzee · 2 years

Text

𝐁𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐲 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐬 𝐧𝐨 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

𝐋𝐢𝐥 𝐛𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 :)

Makeup. It's a staple for some people. Others not so much. It's something you enjoyed, you didn't need it but it was nice to doll yourself up once in awhile. A simple joy that gave you happiness

Ran adored when you'd do your own makeup, you reminded him of Renaissance paintings. So delicate yet so beautiful. He'd sit on your bed, his body sprawled out on your bed, liliac eyes taking glances at your figure sitting on the floor in front of the body length mirror, that leaned against the wall. Variety of makeup products all around you

Foundation, concealer, highlighter, bronzer, eyeliner, eyeshadow pallets, chapstick, and your beloved lipgloss. It was confusing to ran why you had so much but he wasn't one to judge what made others happy, especially you. He couldn't stand seeing you sad.

Eventually ran will get bored of his phone and completely turn his attention to you, head resting on the palm of his hand as he watched you gently pat the beauty blender on your face making sure to completely cover your face with foundation, moving onto concealer, humming as a sign you liked it. A small sign ran picked up on when he first met you.

His eyes followed the movements of your hands watching you apply bronzer, blending it before moving onto eyeshadow. A simple purple and black look to match rans hair color. Moving onto eyeliner, applying it on with such ease Ran can only watch on fascination.

You picked up your favorite light pink glittery gloss. Ran watches the way your lips part, slowly applying the gloss to your plump lips, his cock quickly twitching in his pants as you smack your lips before rising from the ground turning to face him

"Do you like it, Ran?" You hummed. Ran's mind quickly wondering how pretty you'd looked with your makeup running down your face, eyeliner dripping, lip glass stained all over his cock. "It's beautiful baby" He whispered pulling you onto his lap gently pecking your lips

#mouzees corner #tokyo revengers #bonten headcanons #haitani brothers #ran haitani #ran headcanons #bonten #ran smut #ran fluff #ran hcs #ran scenarios #ran tokyo revengers #ran x y/n #haitani ran #bonten smut #tokyo revengers headcanons

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petalsofyouth · 1 year

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my girl. pt1. | ran haitani x reader

tw: nothing that really is worth mentioning? alcohol consumption, a bit of violence (nothing graphic) and magical realism (if you squint and understand it) and that's all i think

wc: 9536

a small note before you begin! it was supposed to be a one shot, but then i was writing it and writing and writing and the story never ended so i decided to split it into two parts. i know majority of people prefer when the text is rather on the short side so here you all go. another thing i wanna mention is that this story is impromptu and it might show. i haven't had even a vague idea of the plot or vision or anything when i began to write it and the only thing in my head was ran taking long walks everywhere around Tokyo and then i heard the chime and that's it. this is probably why this story is going to be from ran's pov and a little bit of rindou's (i love him too much to not include him). okay, that's all! thank you for reading & i hope you like it.

The blue dim light from street lamps enveloped small grey buildings giving them an alien impression. Neon signs mingling with one another only add to the whole impression and once again Ran felt as if he was on some other planet in another universe. Or that it was very far in the future. As if he somehow found himself in 2808.

But it was early spring of 2007 when cherry trees hadn't yet bloomed and a chilly wind roamed through Tokyo reminding its habitants of a long cold winter that was now already gone, a small odds and ends of it remaining in the corners of dark alleys.

Still, this vague rapture between reality and Ran’s mind was pleasant. He had no problem dissociating from his life even for a couple of fleeting moments. Released from a prison not even a month ago - after Izana’s death he hadn’t had time to mourn - these breaks felt deserving. He needed to rest, to stop what he was doing and for once breath without thinking what awaits him next.

The situation wasn’t stable in the least. Roppongi was still theirs. It always would be. But there were other new gangs and Ran knew that someday their name won’t be enough. They need to do something - to be someone - to keep the Haitani brand they built well respected. The easiest option, of course, would be joining a gang, but Tenjiku was still alive in his chest and beating. And while there were in fact no S-62 generation anymore, dead and gone into eternity with Izana, it felt like a piercing sword of betrayal between his ribcage, to even think of a possibility to be a part of another formation.

Yet, there would be another gang. Another defeat and maybe [for sure] a lot of other deaths. Ran knows all this and he knows that the time will come soon. Once South is released. He still has time though. Time to leave his new car in one of the one-way streets and wander around pretending his life is not his.

A moment of weakness no one would ever know of.

Today, he is in Nakano. He doesn’t remember the last time he was here which means it was insignificant or that he never stepped here before. The latter is quite impossible though. Ran has been everywhere around Tokyo. Never outside. This huge city his own perfect golden cage. If he didn’t love luxury and comfort so much he would’ve thought he was trapped. But he doesn’t think this way and so he goes down the street observing people and shops. His mind is resting.

Everything is okay.

For a while.

It’s evening. Somewhere between six and eight. It’s always hard to tell the exact time at these hours. Everything seems blurred and solid and one. The neon lights, street lamps, shops, buildings and people. Him, too. Ran indulges in this euphoric feeling. Hands in pockets of his sweats he looks around trying to pretend as if he is searching for something that waits for him. There should be something that desires to meet with him. He strongly believes in it and when he spots an old wooden sign that seems painfully familiar, he nods to himself that’s it and goes inside through an open door. An invitation or maybe just a coincidence. He closes the door once he is inside and insubstantial tingling of the bell echoes throughout the place. Ran raises his head, tilting it to the left and sees a glass hand painted chime just above him. There’s flowers all around it and he doesn’t need to squint his eyes to see that it’s purple orchids. His chest is warm then and he stares at the chime for a little longer than he should, a strange feeling occupying his chest. Whatever it is that brought him here was kind enough to welcome him. Ran doesn’t think it is a coincidence anymore.

Inside, the store is bigger than it appears from outside. Long corridor leads to a spacious room and it’s only there that Ran understands that he is in a bookstore. He tries hard to remember when was the last time he picked up a book and the memory that resurfaces is not pleasant. It was back in juvie when he was around fourteen going fifteen. The book was a present from one of their teachers there and Ran to this day couldn’t understand why an old woman chose him out of everyone else. He wasn’t by any means academically bright nor was he showing a special interest in studies. [He dropped out of school the day he was released; he simply never showed up]. Yet, the teacher chose him. She gave him the book and spoke with him a little. What about Ran can’t remember. He barely listened to her back then. The book was a strange useless weight in his hands, but there was something sincere in the way she gifted it to him and that’s why later sitting beside Rindou on the rotten grass in the yard of their facility Ran read it from cover to cover. He liked the book.

It was Yukio Mishima’s “The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea” and the story grasped him so much it was all he could think of for the next few months. But then they got released and his head was busy with new names in Roppongi and Tenjiku and other gangs and when all of these disappeared in ashes and he went back to juvie for the second time, he remembered the book that was safely stored in his and Rindou’s apartment in the box under his bed. But thinking about it only brought silent blue rage as he suddenly understood the meaning of the book. His eyes wide and empty, Ran wished an old teacher appeared and maybe tried to protect him from his fate again - because he deserved a second chance, didn’t he? everyone does - but no one came to save him and this time Ran left empty-handed with a promise from South as a bitter reminder that there was never an alternative to his fate.

Met with floor to ceiling bookshelves full of books Ran observes book spines, colourful and not. He reads a few that stand out to him most. All authors and titles unknown to him. He knows he ought to leave. There’s nothing for him to do here and books are certainly the last of his interests. He should go home. Get a take out for him and Rindou, maybe invite Kakucho over and watch some TV or maybe they all should go out to a nice club, get drunk and fuck some pretty girls.

Yeah, that would be nice.

That is what he should do and that is exactly what he doesn’t do.

He goes forward through the paper jungle until he spots a man standing behind the round counter. He is writing something, totally engrossed, his head down as he stands, slouching a little so the paper is right before his face. Ran doesn’t think he made any noise, but the man composes himself and looks up, smiling at him. The smile is warm and welcoming.

Ran feels seen.

“Hello. Are you looking for something specific or just browsing?” The man’s voice is calm and confident. He also sounds very kind and Ran is a tiny bit ashamed when he shakes his head an affirmative no which can be clearly translated into i don’t really know what I am doing here. The man laughs. “You can grab whatever catches your eye and read it right here to see if you like it. We have a reading zone right over there. In the next room.”

When Ran stays where he was too lost to say anything, the man smiles again and this time he comes out from the counter and goes up to Ran. “What was the last thing you’ve read?”

There’s no need to think much. His last book was his only book. “It was Yukio Mishima.”

The man is surprised and he doesn’t hide it. He whistles. “The Sound of Waves, I suppose?”

“No. The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea.”

“A gruesome one, but reflective. Did you like it?”

They chat about the book for a good half an hour and by the end of it Ran is pretty much relaxed. His usual passive confidence running through him again. It’s been nice to discuss the book with someone and for a pretty obvious reason, Ran imagines it was his teacher from juvie and not this man, an owner of the bookshop as he finds out during the talk. It’s wrong to pass one kindness shown to him onto another kind person, but it does help him to redeem himself and so he doesn’t argue with his mind much.

With another book, this time “The Honjin Murders” under his arm, Ran sinks into the couch in the so-called reading room which is not really a room. Rather an extension of the main large one with beige noren in the middle. But it has two couches, a table and a kettle with five cups and that’s all that it needs. It also has a huge window looking at traditional Japanese garden. The sound of running water in a small pond and green colour of permanent velvety moss is so calming that Ran loses himself in the scenery for the longest time. Book forgotten in his lap.

He stays in the bookstore until the sky grows dark and silver stars are the only thing that make the vastness of this world bearable.

“So. What do you think about it?” The sudden intrusion of the man into Ran’s little world doesn’t bother him. It’s calm and peaceful and safe here. And Ran stays Ran. The need to be in another's skin is gone. “Liked it or should I retire as a bookshop owner?”

There’s a certain prominent playfulness in the man’s words, but Ran misses them, letting them slip into the past. He checks the number of the page he stopped on and making a mental note to remember it, turns to the man. “It’s good. Haven’t read much, but it’s interesting. I want to buy it.” Ran stretches his legs before him and looks around the room, his gaze stopping at the window and as some hours ago he finds himself admiring the raw beauty it carries. Whoever composed it saw the world differently and take it apart all you want, one thing after another, you would never quite understand the meaning behind it. It will always slip away from you. It’s almost like losing a thing you’ve never ever had. But sadder. More melancholic.

“It’s my wife's last creation.” The man says and for the first time his voice isn’t cheerful. It’s barely there. “For our family, that’s it.”

There’s nothing to be said and so Ran doesn’t utter a word and in his silence hides an understanding that is more meaningful than any form of consolation.

They sit in the room - that in the pure meaning of the word is not really a room, yes, it just has a plain beige noren behind the couch - admiring the view for a little more. Each hanging to the illusion of their own; both no more than small sparkles of short lived joy.

The silent magic is taken away as sudden as it settled down and then the unceasing garden turns into simply well composed rocks and azaleas. The change is devastating, but it’s not forever, and so it’s okay. Besides, the change is you. It has your eyes, your nose and your voice.

“Dad, I am good to go. Don’t forget to eat please. I made nikujaga. Okay? I would’ve loved to have dinner together, but I have an assignment to finish and… oh. I am sorry. You aren’t alone. Sorry.”

It has your lips too. And your smell. Persimmons, nail polish and glossy magazines.

But for now Ran doesn’t know it’s yours.

For now the only thing he is sure of is that he wants to come here tomorrow and maybe gaze at the garden and read a book and disturb the orchid chime at the door to hear its sweet melody. And maybe see you too, because his want to pretend being someone else somewhere else, is gone. He wants to be Ran Haitani and be accepted as such more than anything. And he burns with curiosity. He burns with longing.

You don’t exchange a word and Ran leaves the bookstore with a gift from your father and a promise to come by again. It’s really rare to see young people in here and having you here reminds me of me so many years ago, it makes me twenty again, you are twenty, aren’t you.

That night he also finds out that the family business restaurant down their street makes quite good nikujaga.

They eat it together with Rindou while reminiscing about those who will never come back.

***

The next day Ran is at the bookstore again.

And the day after that too and after a week or so he is considered a regular.

He doesn’t see you often and in all honesty he isn’t coming there for you. It’s the whole atmosphere of the place. The garden and the chime and the small talk with your father that draws him back.

You, a fleeting presence of the bookstore, he only has seen a couple of times. Not more. Once with a pile of cartridge paper of various sizes under your arm you were cursing under your breath trying your best to go down the stairs. And then the next time when you brought two bento boxes to the reading area where he and your dad were talking about your dad’s many voyages of his youth. Ran remembers the conversation particularly because he likes listening to your dad’s stories of the world. Never once in his life was he outside of Tokyo, your father's memories of other lands become his.

The meal you brought - and made yourself - is quite simple. It contains rice with seaweed, grilled fish and two hard boiled eggs. Along with some fresh sesame spinach salad on the side. It smells delicious and as you set two bento boxes on the table you go back upstairs and this time return with two bright yellow Yebisu cans.

Sudden kindness is sour to Ran. He freezes in his place, eyes on the bento box, as he listens to the small conversation you make with your dad. Confusion must be evident on his face, because the next second he hears your voice. You are speaking to him. “Do you not like beer, Ran?”

“No. It’s fine. I do.” His reply is simple and not efficient. It doesn’t make you any less doubtful that everything’s alright.

So you ask again. “Is it the eel then? Dad has tonkatsu leftovers upstairs. Would you…”

"No. No. It’s fine. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.”

You nod, shrugging your shoulders. He probably doesn’t sound very convincing to you, but that’s the best he can offer you. Not having anything more to say to him, you say to your dad that you are going home now. You have a project to finish. You wish them both goodnight.

If your dad noticed Ran stiffness he doesn’t mention it and Ran is very grateful for it, because while he always knows what to say, he finds it very hard to find an easy way to explain how and why this innocent act of compassion, a demonstration of belonging, irritated him.

He is ugly on the inside and scarred.

He doesn’t want you to know that.

[He doesn’t want to remember it either.]

But today is not the day you will discover it and so he can breathe freely, planting a hope that maybe you won’t ever know him for what he is outside of this place where he kills every bright part of him with a single strike of his baton.

***

During the next couple of months Ran comes to the conclusion that he should stop visiting a bookshop.

It’s not a sudden decision. He has a whole list of reasons ready, but as he goes over them in his head, he finds himself already on the porch in Yokohama. The chime sings and he is once again welcomed by your father to come inside, to have an interesting conversation and maybe help out a little bit if he doesn’t mind [he never does], only to eat a delicious meal you made as a pleasant conclusion to the day.

Ran is young, but he is no fool and he knows that soon enough he is going to get attached to this place and he simply can not afford it. South is going to get released and then they will form something big and serious and he is going to be involved. The nice little illusion he created here has no place in his world. He should stop coming.

That’s what he decides when he steps through the door one particularly warm golden evening in spring. It’s unusually quiet. No customers inside and your father isn’t at his regular place behind the till. Ran frowns. His blonde eyebrows coming together in the middle of his forehead. He stops looking in between the shelves. He finds nothing and so he goes behind the noren, to the reading zone.

“Oh. I thought you won’t come today.” You sit on the chair with your right leg to your chest, a bottle of black nail polish standing on the table in front of you.

Ran bites back a smile. You painting your toes inside of the bookstore is so out of place, it’s almost comical. “Why would you think that?”

You don’t answer his question and it seems as if you haven’t heard him at all. He is compelled to repeat it, but instead he sits on the sofa opposite you and watches you doing your nails. The whole task is relaxing. You don’t mess up even once which is pretty much impressive. He whistles and you raise your head, looking at him, confused.

“What?”

“Nothing. You are just being really good at it.”

There’s no reply to this either. You continue painting your nails and he continues watching you. He doesn’t think about anything in particular and rather than moving his eyes along with the brush tip, he remains impassive. If you think he is being weird or creepy you don’t say it. In fact, to Ran it seems as if you have forgotten about him altogether. Your presence is strong to him, but his doesn’t touch you in the slightest.

He is both. Disappointed and glad.

It is his last time here - or so he thinks - and a premonition stored up in his chest is vibrating. It says to him that if you notice him he won’t be able to escape. [He only hears the second half of the sentence. He only hears what he wants to.]

Relaxed and focused on your toes he loses his usual alertness so when he finally understands that all your nails are glossy back and you have stopped applying the colour, he raises his eyes. Firstly looking at the closed bottle of polish as if to make sure you are really done and only then at you.

You are staring. You are noticing. Ran shivers.

“What’s your height?” You ask.

He frowns. The question is unexpected and he swears he somehow hears the chime’s sweet melody. But no sound comes after and he knows he is mistaken.

“I am 1.83.”

You lick your lips, tilting your head to the side and the smile that graces your future are adorable and terrifying at the same time. “Good. Do you mind helping me out in one of my school projects? I am at Bunka and I have this project coming up where I need to give yukata a modern touch. So I’ve been thinking if you don’t mind that I can use you as my reference? You won’t do much. I will just take your measurements and then based on you create a yukata. What do you think?”

There’s not just one, but so many reasons as to why he should say no, stand up and leave the bookstore behind him forever. The garden, the chime, the kindness - everything - should become a nice memory. The one he would go back to in the moments of discouragement. In the shameful fall of weakness.

There’s too many of them and Ran can’t name even one. So he nods at you. Yeah. Sure. Why not?

“Thank you. I really wanted you to agree. I’ve been thinking about suggesting it to you since I first saw you.” Your fingers graze over your fresh pedicure. To check if it’s dried. You are obviously satisfied, because you pull out twirled napkins from in between your toes and stand up. “Do you like oranges? I am gonna go upstairs and bring some for us.”

When you are behind the couch he sits on, you stop.

“But you are peeling them. I hate peeling oranges.”

It’s not a drastic confession, but Ran feels like he just found out your sweetest secret.

***

Pre-summer breeze carries a faint smell of changes and new times.

It doesn’t specify when and what it will bring. It doesn’t make it easier and the barbed metal ball in the pit of everyone’s stomach twirls, scratching insides. They bleed; skin torn apart and crimson.

Everyone acknowledges this lazy slow shift. No one does anything in particular about it, because, well, there’s nothing to be done. What is for you will find you anywhere: on a busy Shibuya crossing meddled between thousands of people, in your sunny apartment where you sleep on the floor after a full day of school or in front of the evergreen garden in a small bookshop in Yokohama.

There’s no point in trying to escape fate and therefore there’s no point in worrying and stressing out. The only thing Ran does - that he can think of as a succumbing to summer breeze - is wearing a too thick jacket for the already sunny and warm weather. When Rindou points it out he says he is doing it in the name of fashion. His younger brother grimaces, but leaves it at that. It sounds pretty much like Ran’s usual bullshit. No need to worry.

And so life goes on and the wind continues to blow.

***

His help in your project consists of standing still as you take his measurements.

That’s all.

The first time you do it he asks you if he needs to do something else and when you say no he is both, disappointed and relieved. Disappointed because he finds it being your model more boring than he expected and relieved because you don’t need him to do anything and that means only one thing - you won’t have any expectations of him and he won’t fail. In your eyes he will remain as Ran, a twenty years old man, who once in your life used to visit your father’s bookstore for a couple of months and helped you with your fashion school project and then disappeared and you’ve never heard about him after that.

Becoming your fleeting good memory is what he thinks he wants.

***

“I need you to raise your hands and hold them like that for a minute. Okay?” You say patting his shoulder as you emerge from behind him. This is the fourth time you’ve taken his measurements. He doesn’t understand why you need to do that so many times, but he doesn’t ask. You bite your lip - a small habit you have when you think really hard about something - and eye his earring. “Does it match your eye colour? You are so corny.”

He smirks and watches you wrap tape around his underarms and then chest. Ran only speaks when you sit on the floor near the table and scribble down the numbers. “I like it. Do you not?”

“You being corny or your earring?” You ask him, your attention on your journal, not him. Some days ago he asked you to show him your sketches of the yukata and you declined, totally exaggerating in his opinion the importance of not a single soul intervening in your creative flow.

“Both.”

“Let me think about it.” Your voice decreases its volume as you speak and by the end of the sentence it’s a small whisper. As usual you don’t reply right away and Ran loses his hope of getting the answer, but after a while you close your journal and turn to him. “I don’t mind either. I am guessing they both make you you and so I am okay with that.”

He thinks you barely know him and he barely knows you, but he believes your words nonetheless. There’s a sheer simplicity in them and that makes him trust you all the more. You might not be very familiar with each other and you are absolutely unaware of what he is doing, what he has done and what he will do in the future. You don’t peer. You don’t ask him unnecessary questions. You have no idea what kind of person he is and yet you still accept him. In Ran eyes this is considered courage and kindness and everything good in this world combined. Everything he doesn’t deserve. Everything he still wants.

And so the next day when Ran comes into the bookshop and sees you and your father at the till, he makes sure you notice the tattoo on his arm and when your father’s forehead is full of wrinkles, he thinks this is it, he lost this place forever, your father asks if it’s a full body or just an arm? He says, i have a tattoo too, but it’s smaller than yours.

“It covers the left side of my body. My brother and I got it in juvie.”

“I think we need tea for this conversation.” Your father answers and when Ran understands that there’s no anger, no resentment, no rejection and only acceptance, he realises that after all he was stupid to believe it would be otherwise.

The chime and the garden already whispered it to him. He was just too self-centred to notice.

***

The revelation about that certain part of Ran’s life brings obstacles in your work. You tear down your initial sketches and beg Ran to strip his clothes so you can see his tattoo. You plead, saying that it’s really really really important and crucial and you need to see it for you to understand him better. To make his yukata perfect.

For obvious and understandable [not for you] reasons he rejects. You pout, but all charms you send his way, simply do not work. At last, he lets you turn around his left arm however you want and after the second hour when the left part of his body gets numb and sore he has a suspicion you are doing it on purpose. A little revenge.

“You know, you are making it difficult for both of us.” You sigh, placing two steaming cup noodles on the table. The bookshop has been closed for an hour or so. It’s quiet, the only noise coming from upstairs where your dad is watching what seems to be MTV Japan. Ran only knows because sounds are familiar. Rindou likes watching MTV too. “I don’t understand why you are being so modest.”

You hand him metal chopsticks and as he takes them he also grabs your wrist. Somehow, you aren’t confused. You turn to him and the calm expression on your face startles him. He lets you go.

“Just don’t feel like it.” He says instead, his shoulders going up and down. None of you don’t speak as you eat. If Ran wasn’t as observant as he is, he would've thought you are listening to Masaharu Fukuyama’s song. But he is observant and he knows that you are just pretending to listen to your dad’s TV. He notices you stealing glances of him every now and then and when he catches your eyes with his, you bashfully turn away. It’s too obvious that you want to ask him something and he allows you to do it, but when enough time passes and all opportunities are lost, he places the cup on the table and with elbows on his knees, asks you what the matter is.

As expected you don’t answer right away. Hiding behind a pink cup you look at the garden illuminated by stone lanterns. “Are you uncomfortable with me?”

“No.” His response is immediate and you turn to him, surprised.

“No? Then why?” You scrutinise him, he - a mere subject before you. “Are you by any chance..?”

The last sentence is unfinished as it blurts out of you so quickly and you stop so abruptly as your eyes widen that Ran already knows what you wanted to say. An amused smile appears on his face. He laughs. “I am not a virgin. Don’t worry about it.”

“Why would I worry about it?” There’s an offence in your voice and he laughs some more.

He laughs and laughs and laughs stopping only when your eyes soften and lips form the prettiest smile he has ever seen. “What?” It’s his time to wonder now.

“Nothing.” You look past him at the clock that hangs on the wall between bookshelves. Even with TV noise Ran can hear them counting the time. “I am going to head out in twenty minutes.”

“You don’t live here?” “Oh. No. I live in Shibuya. In my mom’s house.”

“We are almost neighbours. My little brother and I live in Roppongi.”

“I suspected just as much.”

When he laughs again, the sparkle in your eyes reappears, but this time it is familiar [even if it’s too far to be burnt by it yet] so he doesn’t stop.

***

In the middle of the summer, on a hot July day, Kakucho asks Ran to help him do his annual shopping. Despite the air feeling like dragon breath and unreasonable early 12pm meeting, Ran agrees. It might be because he adores shopping or because he hasn't seen you in a week and there’s a good chance he might stumble upon you on Cat street. It’s in Shibuya and you’ve mentioned before that you live close to it. That’s of course if his calculation is right and you are already back from your trip to Osaka.

There is a special nook in Ran’s brain where he holds the memory of you telling him you are going to be away for a couple of weeks. It was the first time he was allowed to be inside of the bookstore's garden. The day was sunny and pleasant in a non-caring manner. Inside of the hugely oversized white t-shirt - that Ran suspected was male - you had sour cherries, carrying them in the pouch of the said t-shirt. It reminded Ran of kangaroos and therefore of Rindou who liked this weird animal when he was little.

When you sat down on the wooden floor, boards under you squeaking, cherries fell in your lap and Ran stared at them for the longest time. Bloody red on sparkling white. He was no artist, but in that moment he wished he was so he could immortalise this moment forever. Have someone else to see with the same raw emotion he did. If you noticed his hesitation you didn’t say anything. You spoke to him about your best friend, her grandparents and trip to Osaka. Saying you won’t be in Tokyo for two weeks or maybe a bit more. You didn’t know, really. You were excited and happy.

Sitting inside the garden Ran ate cherries from your laps. Fruit scattered along you seemed sacred. As you were telling him how much more delicious takoyaki was in Osaka than it could ever be in Tokyo, you glanced at him. Your lips pink from cherries tugged in a pretty smile and Ran knew he would eternally miss this very moment; you.

Wanting to accidentally meet you now was not a surprise to him.

The yes of course I’d go with you to Kakucho was too said very easily. Much to Rindou’s suspicion.

Despite his desire to see you he doesn’t search for you and so shopping and hanging out with Kakucho is pleasant. Ran truly loves his company. Kakucho is comfortable to be around and he is too polite and too kind and sometimes Ran catches himself thinking that Kakucho has no business being a criminal. He isn’t like them. He is [almost] innocent. But then Ran remembers the way Kakucho’s eyes light up in a fight. How he lands one blow after another and when his opponent is defeated, sprawling on the ground, and the look full of enthusiasm on Kakucho’s face shatters all illusions Ran might have about him.

It’s truly peculiar how there’s perhaps two Kakucho that never meet. One that has a kind heart and gentle soul and the other one that is corrupted by anger and rage. Ran has seen both of them. Ran wonders if he is the same. If there’s good in him too.

He sees you first. You stand outside of a shop with hands full of bags and a cup of an iced coffee. You are wearing a plaid short skirt, a blouse and a beret and while the outfit is perfectly composed it seems too out of season. But by now he knows you quite well to tell that it was intentionally done. He thinks you look beautiful [as you always do] and Ran allows himself to admire you a little bit more, eyes lingering on your face.

“She’s way out of your league, Haitani. Didn’t think she’s your type. More like Rindou’s.” Attentive to details as usual Kakucho immediately notices Ran’s interest in you. They both stopped under the streetlamp that won’t share its light for some hours yet.

Ran smirks, he lets out a short laugh and tears his eyes off you, looking at Kakucho. “You think I can’t pull her off?”

“Absolutely not.”

The verdict sounds like a challenge. Ran snorts and takes a step in your direction, partially confident, partially pondering if he really can’t make you like him. The thought is cold, but it changes with a rush of excitement that strikes his body when you raise your head and see him. There’s a huge smile on your face and in your eyes when you notice him and he grins back.

“Ran!” You call him by his first name before you fly across the street and press your body into his as you hug him, your arms snaking their way across his neck. Plastic bags bump onto his back and thawed drops of water from the coffee cup stain his shirt. But he doesn’t mind it. He feels you smiling into his skin and he doesn’t mind it at all. “You won’t believe me, but I had a feeling I would see you today here.”

“You probably just wanted to see me that much.” He replies in his usual lazy manner and he can feel you smiling wider, but then you pull away from his arms and glare at him acting bothered by his bold words.

[He knows you enough to say you aren’t.]

“You so wish I was.” Your words are true and he almost admits it - maybe he does it with his eyes gleaming so intensely as he loses himself in your presence, but neither of you notices it, only Kakucho who stands to his left - yet you interrupt him. “What are you doing here?”

It’s a sudden violent jerk that Kakucho makes that peel your attention from Ran to his friend. You gasp and purse your lips, tilting your head as you take him in. Whatever you are thinking about Kakucho is masked by your so out of character sweet smile [Ran tries to remember if you ever been this friendly with him and miserably fails] and a barely there whisper of your full name.

Ran frowns. The joy from seeing you evolves into slight annoyance. It grows even more when Kakucho, being the sweet guy he is, suggests they walk you home. And that’s how Ran finds himself carrying your bags full of fabrics and buttons - you say so yourself when he asks you why they are so damn heavy - to your mother’s home where you live because you claim it’s closer to school this way and not at all because it’s closer to your mom.

Ran knows first what it’s like to lose parents and all the micro ways to cope with the loss. The colour you bleed is all too familiar to him; to his own.

The walk to your home is short and soon enough the three of you are standing in front of a nice small two story house. Its grey facade and black roof doesn’t suit you at all. Your house [your mother’s house] is too dull for you, but Ran knows better than to say this outloud. Instead he appreciatively hums as he focuses on some pretty yellow flowers standing in a huge pot next to the entrance.

“It was really nice to meet you, Kakucho! Never knew Ran has such nice friends.” You say accepting your bags from Ran’s hands.

“He never mentioned me?” He asks, sounding genuinely offended. “Not even once?”

The sound of your giggles rises in the air and you shake your head an affirmative ‘no’. “No. He mentioned his little brother a couple of times, though. Actually. I’ve been thinking. Me and my friends are going to “Womb” today to welcome us coming back to Tokyo so if you want to come along, you can. What do you think?”

It’s Ran who’s been eerily silent all the time that responds. “Yes. Of course. I’ll pick you up.”

“Great. See you at nine then?”

“Can’t wait.”

The words have a slightly ominous feeling to them. Maybe it’s just the tone with which he says them or maybe you both have been struck by the gift of foretelling because when your eyes stay on him a little too longer than usual, there’s no mistake that you know how today will change you both.

***

Inside the bathroom where Ran has been soaking for a good hour the air is heavy. It’s hard to breathe and the voices that slip from the living room to the confinement of white marbled floor and white walls aren’t tangible. Ran catches them again and again and again, but they don’t stay and he finds himself on a rope that leads to the inner world of his very being. Somewhere where he doesn’t want to be. Ever.

Shadows there are cruel and they bite worse than an angry stray dog. Those gushes never close and Ran knows for a fact that he will have to tend to them till the day he dies.

“No. Ran never spoke about her.” It’s Rindou’s voice that takes Ran out of the whitish void of nothingness. It’s Rindou’s voice that speaks about you. “Is she pretty?”

There’s no answer to that from Kakucho. Only laughter from both of them and a whistle from Shion. Ran can only guess what gesture or facial expression his friend made to describe you.

“Ran type of pretty or my type of pretty?”

“You think I know what you consider pretty, Madarame? You’ve never even said oh look that girl is pretty. You are always like bet she’d take my dick really well.”

They laugh again and their laugh is warm and Ran smiles the way he would be as if he was with them now and not inside a bath full of scorching hot water. Yet, he belongs there, with them, and so he allows himself to be a part of conversation about you, about him.

The outburst of joy follows a content silence which is interrupted by Kakucho's loud sigh. Ran can’t see them, but he can tell that his friend is smiling and he has Rindou’s and Shion’s full attention on him.

“What is it?” “Nah. You gotta see it for yourself, Rin. I am not going to take the experience away from you.”

“Honestly? I just hope she is not a stupid bitch.”

“They all were stupid bitches to you, Rindou.”

“Were they?”

“Oh, yeah.” This time it’s Shion. “Even though Yui was pretty much fuckable you still called her a stupid bitch to her face.”

"That's ‘cause she was and Ran never went out with her. They just fucked a couple of times. Anyways, should we…”

The rest of the conversation gets lost in between splashing water when Ran gets out of the bath. His skin is tingling and red as he wraps his body in the soft towel [Rindou likes prickly ones more]. He wipes the misted mirror with the back of his hand and when he finally sees himself in the reflection he can’t help but wonder from where in his cursed body this sweet tug comes from when he hears his friends talking about you.

And because he has no answer he at least can hope that his younger brother won’t consider you a stupid bitch. It seems really important to him in the box that is the white room.

***

The grey house doesn’t make any impression on Rindou. He can’t understand if you are rich or poor or what your status is or anything related to your character because the house is dull. It’s ordinary and Rindou thinks that even he with his minimalistic approach to life and fashion got to hate it too.

Maybe, though, he is salty that his older brother urged him away from the front seat of his car the moment the freshly changed tires of Ran’s Honda stopped in front of your house.

His eyes stop out of the huge pot with flowers - he can’t tell the colour of them though, his poor eyesight being an obstacle - and then drift to the enormously large window where he can spot your dark silhouette. You probably are putting your shoes on.

Rindou couldn’t care less about you. That though doesn’t stand for his brother. He loves Ran more than he loves anything and when he stares at his brother stealing quick glances at the house he swears he can see through the walls and see you just as well as Ran does. His heart [it’s Ran’s] beats faster and faster and long fingers grip the steering wheel too painfully. Anticipation, excitement, eagerness.

Rindou feels it all through Ran. He feels what Ran feels for you.

So when you slide into the passenger seat in your really well put too stylish outfit Rindou is overwhelmed by the moon waves of calmness that strike through his body [Ran’s]. He is burnt when you touch Ran’s arm and side hug him. To Rindou you are like a blazing sun, but for now he feels you through Ran and the intensity of it all swallows him whole. He is barely here.

Until you turn your face to him and say. “You must be Rindou. You look so different from Ran, but you are the same.”

“I don’t know what I would’ve done to you if you mistook my little brother for Shion.” Ran laughs a pretty earnest laugh and a huge smile blossoms on your face as you turn to him not waiting for Rindou’s answer. “It’s Shion Madarame, by the way. My friend.”

“Nice to meet you, Madarame.” You speak as you lazily stretch your hands before yourself. You are wearing opera gloves. “Nice to meet you too, Rindou.”

The first name basis specifically for him doesn’t go unnoticed, but Rindou doesn’t say anything. He is perplexed by you and what you are.

He might not know you at all yet. You might be nothing to him and that dull grey house is so distasteful he swears he doesn’t want to see it ever again. Yet he likes you already. Through Ran he does. And that’s why when your eyes meet his in the rearview mirror and you smile at him he smiles right back at you.

***

“Womb” is the farthest thing from some classy nightclubs in Roppongi that Ran and Rindou like very much.

It’s too spacious, too grand and too flashy. It’s pretentious. And as well as Rindou hates this obnoxious trait in people he hates it with the same passion in the inanimate objects. The whole club and people in it irritates him to the point where it’s borderline rude angriness. Kakucho is the first one to notice it and he - a gentle soul - in an attempt to soothe Rindou throws his arm around his shoulders. Rindou appreciates the gesture, but it doesn’t dissolve an annoying feeling.

He, for whatever reason it may be, wishes Ran would notice his changed demeanour, but right now it’s too much to ask. Ran is focused on you. Rindou sees the way his brother’s head slightly leans to yours as he attentively listens to whatever it is you are saying to him. You hold Ran by his elbow leading him to wherever your friends are. Shion follows close behind, but he doesn’t participate in the conversation and Rindou understands too well why.

His chest hurts.

But he is curious and an unknown eagerness comforts him.

Every single one of your friends is stylish. Too stylish. Pretentiously stylish. Rindou assumes they also are quite rich or either they have connections. Tons of alcohol and a spacious private booth overlooking the dance floor is what makes him think so. If he was Ran he would also notice designer clothes and bags, but he doesn’t. You introduce them to your friends and one of the girls eyes Ran a bit too much. Too suspicious. But then she relaxes and her eyes go wide in recognition. She exclaims, now I understand why the yukata she makes is so pretty, and instead of looking at Ran who with a half-smile looks at you, you look at the floor.

When the clock strikes just one after midnight Rindou is more than curious and a tiny bit tipsy. He now knows every single one of your friends - and you - by name. He knows that one of your best friends is in Geidai studying architecture, and the other one studies design in the same school as you. He also understands that one of the boys - your classmate - likes you very much and it’s so painfully obvious, Rindou cringes every single moment he approaches you in his lame attempts to flirt. [Not that Rindou is better at flirting, he just doesn’t hit off with this particular guy or rather it’s the guy who doesn’t like either Rindou, nor Ran or Kakucho or Shion]. And as expected one of the girls sneaks glances at Ran a bit too much and as expected Ran notices it and as expected he doesn’t pay any attention to her at all.

But both of you don't speak much either and that’s where Rindou’s curiosity lies.

Just one after midnight you plop on the sofa beside Rindou and set a half-full glass full of gin on the table. You move it away, dragging it across the table, with the back of your left hand. The sound it makes is not pleasant. It sounds tired.

“So?” You say.

“So?” He echoes, turning his head to look at you. In the blue disco lights that reflect off your skin you look ethereal.

You whine. Dramatically. And biting a lip you tilt your head to the side. “I asked first, Ran’s little brother.”

He gasps then and under the influence of alcohol your words that weren’t said in intention to be playful seem so funny to him, he laughs. You laugh too.

“Ran’s little brother? Is this how he calls me behind my back?” He asks you, a beautiful teasing smile on his lips. “Have he told you a lot about me?”

You squint your eyes at him and scoot closer, the leather under you squeaking. “Not really.” You move even closer and then you lay your hand on his arm squeezing it. “He said you love music, want to own a club one day, hate McDonalds and that your favourite colour is white.”

“That’s all he said?”

“No. Not really. He mentioned that you like DJing. Have a whole setup at home and he hates it when you use it, because it’s too loud, but he lets you do your thing anyway. Oh. And your obsession with the gym.”

There’s a loud noise coming from the dance floor. It’s a woman screaming. She sounds happy. Music doesn’t stop and she screams some more. No one pays her attention besides you. You turn around and a small smile tugs at your lips. When you shift back you lay your head on Rindou’s shoulder. He doesn’t mind it.

He doesn’t mind you at all anymore.

***

The night passes quickly as all good pleasant things do.

But as usual there’s a moment of worry. A moment of uncertainty. A threshold to where all the things go wrong. It finds you after four in the morning.

The music is slowing down and people that have remained are barely a crowd. The club is going to close in an hour or so. The lights are fully on and Rindou is discussing with Kakucho how everyone will get home. Despite you and Ran barely interacting throughout the whole night both boys are sure he would want to take you home. But for now he is still sitting at the table chatting up a cute girl. A friend of yours from the oil painting department of Geidai. The nature of your relationship with Ran is more abstract than ever. Rindou can’t crack it up.

“Here you are.” The voice is loud so everyone stops talking and turns their attention toward a young obviously very drunk man stepping through the door. “And here I was thinking what club you were whoring yourself out today. With whom are you sleeping these days?! Is it this one? Or this one? Or maybe it’s this one?”

The man is tall and he is very beautiful and that makes the situation even sadder than it already is. When beautiful things are stained, unfairly so, they become cruel. The ugliness seeping through the holes.

“Orochi.” It’s you who speak and so it’s you to whom the words were addressed to. “Go away. You are drunk.”

“Will you come with me?” He asks, extending his hand.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath. “No. I won’t.”

"Is it because I am drunk or is it because you have someone else?”

Your best friend snorts. “You say it as if you were ever together. Come on, man. Get the fuck out of here. None of us wants you here. Especially her.”

His head falls to his chest and he lets out a miserable laugh that reminds Rindou more of a bark. “This is how it is?”

The knife appears from his pocket too quickly, too sudden no one reacts in time. But this Orochi guy is intoxicated a bit too much and so when he flashes it aiming to drag it across your face, it doesn’t even touch you. He tries a second time, cursing at you. Stupid ugly bitch, he spits, the knife slicing the air again. Such a whore. Dumb fucking slut.

“Easy here. Watch how you speak to my girl. One more word and you are not going to end up simply beaten.” Ran voice is steady. It’s venomous. And what everyone perceives as a promise for Rindou is a certain fact.

“Who the fuck are you?” “I am Ran Haitani and right now we are going to leave, but I will find you a day after tomorrow and you are going to regret every single word you said.” Ran crosses the booth stepping in between you two. His back to the guy. It’s disrespectful. It’s humiliating. It’s very Ran of him. Rindou can’t see from where he stands besides the door, but by the way Ran’s hands rise up, he can assume he is holding your face in his palms. He whispers to you. “You okay? Let’s get you home.” It’s stupid and naive, but it’s expected for Orochi to be hurt and another attempt to poke - this time Ran - with his knife is stopped by Shion who is the closest to where you stand. He hits him in his jaw and the booth suddenly turns red. There’s a tooth laying under the sofa now.

When Ran turns around. His face is calm. He holds your hand and even with his bad eyesight Rindou catches the tenderness with which he caresses your skin with his thumb. “Don’t overdo it, Shion. I want him to at least show me some resistance when I see him next time.” “Aye, captain. As you wish. Go get your girl home. Me and Kakucho will take care of the rest. Right, Kaku?”

Kakucho shrugs. There’s nothing really left to say or to take care of. The world is suddenly gloomy and cold.

***

Rindou doesn’t really understand how, but he ends up in your house with a bowl of instant noodles and leftover chicken.

You and Ran sit opposite him on the couch. Your knees are touching. You speak of cherries. Rindou has no idea what is so amusing about these specific fruits, but he listens anyway. The TV is off and your conversation the only entertainment available.

“I am actually really sorry you had to witness that.” You sigh, head low. You aimlessly poke your noodles with chopsticks as you speak. “I’ve never had anything with Orochi. He was just a friend of mine and he said I led him on, but I don’t think I’ve ever done something for him to believe I like him or you know… He just made a move one day and I said no. And that was it. Mizu says he is obsessed.”

“That he is for sure.” Ran takes the bowl away from you. “Good thing he won’t be anymore.”

“Ran… I don’t want you to… It’s not necessary. It’s too much.” The tone is almost pleading and Rindou knows his brother a bit too much, feels him a little too well to know two things. The first one is that he hates it when people he cares about decline his help. The second one is that he terribly achingly wants to kiss you and it only intensifies when you continue speaking. “It’s not that I am afraid for Orochi, but I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me. It’s like a betrayal and I don’t want to betray you ever.”

“Hey. Can I use your bathroom for ten minutes?” Both you and Ran snap your attention to Rindou who stands up from the armchair. You furrow. “It’s upstairs. Second room to the left. And you can use it for however long you want. Do you actually both want to stay over tonight? You are probably too tired to drive anyway.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Good. I’ll be back in ten minutes exactly.”

When Rindou disappears in the blue haze of dawn that slips through the windows of the second floor he hears Ran’s soft laugh and your whispering. It’s probably about him, but then again, he doesn’t mind it.

He doesn’t mind sitting on the closed lid of the toilet in your house for fifteen minutes - just for a good measure - so as to give his brother a chance to slowly kiss your bad night and worries away. To pull the thread of sadness that has been knitted through your face since the episode in the club and all the way till now away. He doesn’t mind it either when he goes back, fake yawning, and sees his brother laying on you, his face in your neck as he draws comfort from your warmth. He fetches you a pillow and a blanket and takes you to your bedroom, leaving you two alone. Ran might pretend he is sleeping, but Rindou knows better. He doesn’t mind this innocent lie.

He doesn’t mind you and as he lays in your bed he thinks that there was never a single time today where he wanted to call you a stupid bitch just like all girls Ran has been with before. But then was Ran ever with someone before?

Rindou says no. He says it’s loud and then he remembers how Ran called you his girl. Rindou thinks it suits you a bit too much. Being Ran’s girl and all that it includes.

He doesn’t know you well and there’s still a long road before he does, but he trusts you and he likes you and before he falls asleep he hears a sweet sound of glass chime. The aroma of orchids fills the house.

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