#ramblings of demommy dommey

[klirk-hammurton]

I just need to get this off my chest....I've typed this on multiple occasions and deleted because this is so out of character for me. I am not a threat to myself or others, I'm just venting because I don't have much else to turn to. I've been holding this in for weeks.

⚠️⚠️CW: mentions of s*lf h*rm, prob*tion, mental health⚠️⚠️

I'm usually not one to post personal things like this, but I'm going to be real with everyone. I'm genuinely not doing that great mentally and emotionally.

The month of March kicked my fucking ass and life is still fucking me. Beginning of March, my grandmother (mawmaw) was emitted in the hospital for severe internal bleeding and thankfully recovered. About a week or so after that, my brother had a run in with the law. Violation probation, it's not looking too great for him. End of the month, my dad started to get fuzzy vision in his eye. What was a routine check-up turned into a diagnosis of type II diabetes (he's never shown any signs of turning diabetic in the past from blood work so it was a shock).

Beginning of this month, he needed a surgery to biopsy his temporal artery (temporal ligation). His primary thinks he could be developing temporal arteritis, which could be causing his vision to get blurry or it could be the diabetes affecting his vision. We won't have results until next week. If he has temporal arteritis, he can't take the medication he needs for it because of the diabetes.

Within the household I'm staying, I'm being treated as second rate. I bust my ass at work. I'm trying to do things with my life, but it doesn't seem to exist to anyone. I'm being disrespected so much, even if it is discretely. People are willing to bend over backwards for my brother that has been nothing but trouble, but the second I need something, I'm an inconvenience. My needs don't matter. My mental health doesn't matter. I in general do not seem to matter, and it's weighing me down.

This isn't the first time my brother has been busted. It's not the first time he's been locked up. I can't even begin to name the number of felony charges he has. He's going on 40 this year and gets everything handed to him. I'm struggling and nobody seems to care. I need help and nobody seems to care. The second my brother needs something???? Everyone is leaping to his every beckon call. He's been given everything in life, but me???? I don't seem to matter.

I'm hard on myself. I'm drained. I've had too many mental breakdowns to count. I can't vent in this house without basically being told to suck it up because my mawmaw "can't help" but will jump the second my brother needs something. My dad???? If he needs something, she blows a gasket. I feel like I'm drowning....I'm drowning in my own head and thoughts.

I'm starting to believe these intrusive thoughts that maybe I really don't matter. That maybe people could be better off without me. But I keep finding ways to avoid facing these thoughts. I've been trying so hard to stay strong. I put on this brave face every day so nobody worries. I bury myself in Fandoms to escape reality.

I used to self harm, but I forced myself to quit because it got to the point I wasn't feeling anything years ago. I probably have the occasional drink a little too often, but not enough to be an alcoholic. I've smoked a few cigarettes and they did nothing. I can't afford therapy so I find different coping mechanisms because the Healthcare system sucks ass. I hate feeling like this. I hate that I'm writing this, but this is my only escape.

I'm sorry if I'm being a drag.

I'm sorry if this worries you, but I am okay. I promise I won't hurt myself.

I'm sorry I've been hiding behind this mask for so long. I feel like I've cheated you. That I've lied to you. I feel like an imposter sometimes. I'm just so tired and filled with so many emotions.

I just needed to get this out. I haven't been feeling myself like I was in the beginning. I feel like I've let you all down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love you all so much. I'm going to try to rest today. I'm running on maybe 2 and half hours of sleep and pulled an 8 hour grave shift. I'm exhausted.

#ramblings of the demon layer #ramblings of demommy dommey #i'm so tired #i'm so angry #i hate it so much #i hate being like this #I'm sorry for being like this #very personal #personal #mental health

[klirk-hammurton]

Update:

So since last week I've been having stomach problems. Finally went to the doctor and turns out I have some sort of infection in my stomach. Covid test was negative, strep test was negative.

Gonna be out of work until Friday. Doctor gave me antibiotics and some medicine to ward off any possible covid cells because I was exposed to a family member that tested positive after we visited.

Gonna try to use this free time to recover and work on requests.

#life update #update #ramblings of demommy dommey #ramblings of the demon layer #ramblings of the demon fixxxer

[klirk-hammurton]

Passing (a) kidney stone(s) is not fun. I am in so much pain. My spine is on fire. My legs are literally shaking from the pain. I can't afford to go to the hospital so I'm having to tough this out on my own. My kidney feels like it's been beaten with a sledge hammer. I literally broke down crying at work, the pain was so intense. It's been coming in waves for the past 14 hours. I swear if this is what childbirth feels like, I'll have my uterus removed.

#off topic #ramblings of demommy dommey #ramblings of the demon layer #personal ish #personal #personal ish? #fuck kidney stones

[klirk-hammurton]

So I've been busy with work again. We lost another employee so we're super short handed which means producing fics will be taking linger again since I only have 1 day off.

I'm about a quarter of the way through with 1 and have a general outline for another one but I'm still way behind. I haven't forgotten about you guys, I'm just a very exhausted demon....

#ramblings of the demon fixxxer #ramblings of the demon layer #ramblings of demommy dommey #tired demon

[klirk-hammurton]

Working on requests are always fun. I've gone from 954 words, to 1664, to now 2084 and I'm not even nowhere near finished. This is why fulfilling requests takes SO long. I aim for perfection. I want it to be thorough and detailed. I want every word to be well thought out. Yes, I procrastinate a lot, but when I get that drive to write......oh do I write. Hopefully I can have it posted today if I don't fall asleep since I have work tonight.

Also, how do you dig the new URL? I've been making jokes with friends about getting them their fixxx for requests and smut and just all around horny material. What better way to combine KISS and Metallica into my URL 😏😏😏 anywho.......I'm gonna try to finish this fic.

#ramblings of demommy dommey #ramblings of the demon layer #ramblings of the demon fixxxer

[klirk-hammurton]

🌻

I really just want a fucking day where life can slow the fuck down and I can breathe. Even though I have days off, they don't feel like days off because there's always something going on.

#ramblings of demommy dommey #ramblings of the demon layer

[klirk-hammurton]

Someone tell me no.

I'm looking at a $54 belt I don't need but I absolutely want to go with my punk metal aesthetic

#ramblings of demommy dommey #ramblings of the demon layer #totally off topic #but i really need this belt #it would look so good with my jeans and converse #someone tell me no

[klirk-hammurton]

Hey guys! It's your friendly neighborhood demon-layer here yet again!

I will try to post some requests today. I've been working 96+ hours every 2 weeks so I'm exhausted right now. I eo have half of a request typed up that i need to finish and have started on several others so I have general outlines.

I'm sorry it's taking so long to get to them, but you gotta understand.....what I do here is hobby. It's my escape from reality. I sont want my hobby to become an obligation. My mental health has been in constant limbo between manic highs and super depressive lows.

When I do requests, I limw to put my full effort into them instead of half assing them. I want to exceed expectations. I've restarted one request like 3 times already because I didn't like how it was going. I aim for perfection because my followers deserve the absolute best. Please be patient with me.....I know I've been making promises to finish things, and I so intend on finishing them. It's just taking a little longer than anticipated right now.

#not kiss related #not Metallica related #mental health check in #ramblings of the-demon-layer #ramblings of demommy-dommey