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sixty-silver-wishes · 5 months

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so back when I was on reddit I posted this to r/thomastheplankengine a while ago ( a sub for either memes based on dreams you have, or realizing memes that appeared in your dreams), based on a dream I had once where this was a thing that happened. so then I (a Floridian) wrote a satirical article about it the next day

transcription in case the text is hard to read. again. this is a work of satire-

Florida Government Introduces "Stop WOKE Animals" Act to Ban All Animals not Mentioned in the Bible [A picture of an American alligator] "Name one time the South American Two-Toed Sloth is mentioned in the Bible," said Governor Ron DeSantis on Monday. "And Noah's Ark doesn't count. Or the Creation story." TALAHASSEE, FLORIDA- Florida lawmakers introduced a new bill, supported by Governor Ron DeSantis, called the "Stop WOKE Animals" Act. If passed, it would ban any animals not explicitly mentioned in the Bible from the State of Florida. While creatures such as sheep, doves, lions, bears, Leviathans, oxen, and goats would be permitted to stay within the state, many others, from the iconic American alligator to Florida's signature cryptid, His Fetidness, the Glorious Skunk Ape, would be banned. While critics of the bill and environmental activists argue that not only would this be ineffective and costly, but removing keystone species from Florida's delicate and unique ecosystems would also greatly upset the balance of nature, DeSantis has stated that the purpose of this bill is to "secure freedom for Floridians from the Communist woke agenda from the Democrats, snowflakes, and Nine-Banded Armadillo." He has also attempted to assuage the fears that non-Biblical animals would be killed, saying that instead, he would put them all on airplanes with the next group of unwilling Venezuelan migrants to Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts. As for the balance of the ecosystem, DeSantis has also pointed to a solution for this, stating that he plans to replace the animals removed from Florida with creatures found in the Book of Exodus' Ten Plagues, such as frogs, locusts, dead cattle, lice, and the Angel of Death. Obviously Fake Please Don't Repost This News has reached out to DeSantis and the Florida government for comment, but have only received a link to a 2009 YouTube lyric video of the song "The Plagues" from the DreamWorks animated film The Prince of Egypt in response via e-mail.

#shitpost #satire #unreality #original writing #florida #political satire

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