#provides loans

[khlur]

as much as i hated my fucking master's degree, in the grand scheme of things i see how it fits into my life. it wasn't a path forward to a career or whatever. it was a way out of home. the path of least resistance for my parents and i.

#i do not care if i end up living in a run down single room with a small window. do not care if i have to move again. #do not care if my career does not take off within the next 10 fucking years. #okay maybe i care a little about that heh #i am not returning to my parents' house. i cannot. #i value my autonomy more than my comfort #i know my parents would welcome me back with open arms #but all i will be able to see is the lock they slide behind me when i enter the door #i am of course grateful that they've provided for me and i know how privileged i am. not gonna pretend i didn't grow up upper class #it's a gilmore girls loan that i want to repay as fast as i can before i make a break from them #user khlur

[mirrortouchedsea]

Everyone tells me to just stay the same (but it's not like that)

Word count: 1640

Summary: Hinata finally decides to tell Rinne about his past at Yumenosaki. CW for Setsubun mentions, identity issues, and mentions of abuse

Read on AO3

---

Hinata isn’t entirely sure what compels him to send a message to the leader of Crazy:B. Rinne Amagi had a habit of doting on him and treating him like another younger brother, which he knew Yuta wasn’t a big fan of. Yuta would often call Rinne a bad influence on Hinata, but Rinne was also one of the only people who treated him like a normal kid. 

It was kind of addicting in a way. It wasn’t just Rinne who had treated him like that either. The rest of Crazy:B had taken him in as one of their juniors (despite the fact that Kohaku was younger than Hinata) and Alkaloid, or at least Hiiro, had taken a liking to him as well. He treasured those nights that he spent with Niki and Hiiro playing video games and snacking on homemade sweets late into the night. 

Maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising that the first person he texted was Rinne on the anniversary of Setsubun. It had only been a year and yet it felt so much longer than that. He was grateful that the year since then had been filled with smiles and warmth, much more than years previous had been. The Amagi brothers were partially responsible for that change in his life. 

Rinne responded quickly and asked if he’s alright since he doesn’t normally send cryptic messages like this in the middle of the day. He said he’ll be there in 15 minutes after debriefing with his unit. 

Hinata didn’t bother replying to that, instead opting to just tell Rinne everything when he gets to the rooftop garden with him. He needed to figure out exactly what he wanted to tell Rinne anyway. It’s not in the older man’s nature to judge people based on things they can’t control, and he would understand a lot of Hinata’s own problems…probably. Rinne also wasn’t fond of showing weakness in front of other people. 

Hinata sat at the edge of the garden, towards the back. Being so high up reminded him of that day, but this was almost cathartic in a way. He was in a better place now, with people who didn’t know about that incident at all and cared for him as his own person. As much as he knew Yuta didn’t like the nickname Rinne gave him, it was a comfort for Hinata. 

Hina, such a simple nickname and yet it was a breath of fresh air, a new start, and here he was about to change everything. He just hoped that Rinne wouldn’t change how he talked with Hinata afterwards. 

Hinata was dangling his feet over the edge, looking down at the bustling street below when Rinne finally sat beside him. 

“What’s up, Hina? Somethin’ on your mind?” Rinne’s voice was gentle today, soft and even. Such a strange contrast to the Rinne most people knew. 

“Mmm, you could say that,” he replied, not looking at the older man. “Rinne, have you ever felt like…people don’t see you for you?” 

Rinne chuckled. “Every damn day Hina. Even back home…” he trailed off. Hinata knew not to push that topic. 

The two of them were like peas in a pod in that sense. 

Hinata laughed too. “Yeah, I knew you’d get it.” 

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Rinne waiting patiently for Hinata to keep going and Hinata searching for the words to say. But just having someone else there helped keep him from spiraling too much. 

“I just…feel like people wouldn’t miss me if I was gone, because they see me and Yuta-kun as the same person. It hurts a lot but I don’t know what to do about it because…I feel the same way. Like Yuta-kun and I are one person in two, but that’s not true anymore. I try to keep telling myself that we’re different but it’s hard to change how you think when it’s all you’ve ever known.  

Yuta-kun has so many friends and is always laughing and smiling with them and I want to be like that too, but after ah…” 

“After what, Hina?” 

“After Setsubun fes, people started treating me like I would break at any moment. I’m not grandma’s fine china or anything that will break if you handle it too roughly! But everyone at Yumenosaki can’t seem to get past that video.” 

Hinata still couldn’t look at Rinne, but he knew Rinne was confused. He hadn’t known about Setsubun at all. Of course he hadn’t, he didn’t go to school with them and was much too old to have been there at the same time as Hinata even if he had. It’s why he was drawn to him in the first place, along with his roommates, Niki and Hiiro. 

“Ah, sorry. You don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, do you?” 

“Not a clue.” 

“Long story short, I had a mental breakdown on the roof of the school last year and…it was filmed and everyone at the school saw it. It’s not like I had much of a choice in the distribution either, so everyone was just watching me like I wasn’t a real person.” 

Rinne moved a hand to Hinata’s back and began rubbing gentle circles between his shoulder blades. There were damp spots on Hinata’s cheeks. He rubbed his eyes with his hands balled up in fists. Why did his lowest moment have to be broadcast to everyone he knew? Why was it made to seem like a spectacle for people to watch and not do anything to help? Even after his monologue to his brother making it clear that he didn’t want to be treated like the same person anymore and not knowing how to distinguish himself without just moving into the background, nobody offered him help. 

He was drowning in the unknown and it took the creation of ES and Crazy:B for him to find a lighthouse to guide him to somewhere safe. Even when Crazy:B was against the entire world, hated by everyone, Rinne and the other members never once hurt 2wink. After their collaboration at the nightclub Rinne had taken a liking to Hinata. He was there for him to lean on when he wasn’t sure about the direction of his unit or how to be a big brother or a good senior to the new first years or just how to navigate life. 

At some point, Rinne had pulled Hinata into a side hug and just let him cry into his side. Hinata leaned into the touch and allowed himself to let it all out. 

Rinne’s hugs were always warm. 

It took several minutes of crying before Hinata ran out of tears. His sobs turned to sniffles and he pulled his legs to his chest. 

“You didn’t deserve any of that, Hina.” Rinne’s voice was serious, but not cold. It was a warm honey-sweetened tea on a rainy day. 

Another stretch of silence. Hinata’s head was spinning and numb and full of cotton. 

“But…I know how it feels. When I was younger, I had to keep my emotions in check, especially in front of other people. Any sign of weakness was always punished by my father. ‘A good leader doesn’t cry’ he would tell me. 

When my mom died, I was…eight or nine. I couldn’t cry at her funeral and when we returned home I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’ll spare you the details but he punished me severely. I never wanted Hiiro-kun to see me like that again and I made myself stop feeling. It felt like I was just there to be the next leader of the village, never allowed to be myself. 

What I’m tryin’ to say here is that I get it. I know how it feels for people to try and put you in a box that doesn’t fit, and how they treat you when you finally break. It’s okay to be frustrated and angry that it happened, but you can’t let it consume you. Show the world that Hinata Aoi is his own person, that you aren’t just that video and that you’re here to stay.” 

Hinata sniffled and leaned more into Rinne’s touch. 

“Thanks, Rinne-senpai. It means a lot, heh. I guess we all have our own burdens to carry.” 

“Yeah. Life is about learning to carry them and not let them drag you down. If it gets too heavy, I’ll be there to pick you back up and carry it for you.” 

“You don’t have to go that far, Rinne-senpai. How will I learn to carry my burdens if you take them for yourself? Wouldn’t that just make it heavier on you?” 

“I’ll take on everyone’s burdens if it means they get to smile just for one moment. I’ll fight fate itself if that’s what it takes.” 

“I’m not sure why, but I believe that you would find a way to do that, even though most people would say it’s impossible.” 

“Thanks for believing in me, Hina.” 

Hinata laughed, Rinne lightened the mood just enough that he felt like everything was at peace for the moment. His cheeks were stained with tears and his eyes would be puffy and red when he returned to the dorm, but at least he’d be smiling. 

Even if the world was against them, Hinata could count on Rinne at least being in their corner no matter what. Rinne was a lighthouse to people like Hinata, a steady light in the rocky ocean saying that someone is there, watching out for you. 

Despite the front that he put up and how he had a bad habit of pushing people away, Rinne was always there when it mattered. 

Hinata fell asleep curled up on the rooftop as Rinne hummed a gentle melody from his hometown. And everything was right with the world. 

#shay writes #enstars #ensemble stars #hinata aoi #rinne amagi #aoi hinata #amagi rinne #dont tag as ship #i think about them too much. have you seen my meta post on main? have you? #this is based on that. ugh theyre so. #i read setsubun a month ago and then reread night club and i was like. oh this make so much sense #why hinata feels kinda distant from the other characters sometimes #the kid just wants to be normal but he really cant after setsubun huh. #and then you get these new guys who know nothing. and well. second chance. #also i felt like rinne was too direct but also i considered that like. 1) hinata doesnt need stupid riddles and games right now and 2) #rinne was very straight forward with hiiro in the main story so i think he can be up front about this stuff when he knows the situation #calls for it. so i think this is fine. its good. big bro rinne means so much to me do u understand #also he gives the warmest hugs. not necessarily the gentlest or anything but theyre very warm. to me #anywayyyyyyyyyy tag ramble over im waiting for an email from my loan provider #biting and maiming i need to pay my student loans please please please #okay im doneeeeeeee im done i'll cross post this to ao3 in a bit

[leahcee]

The department of education im going to do unspeakable things to you you pieces of shit DIE

#I’m still in school yet they want me to start paying my loans back #at 2000 a month #I’m in 256k in debt btw #and that’ll be like 10-15 years of 2k a month #WHICH I CANNOT AFFORD BTW #I DONT EVEN MAKE NEARLY ENOUGH TO PAY THAT!!!! #plus did I mention #I’m STILL IN SCHOOL!!! #I had to call my loan provider the other day #and they said they’re sending me an email for deferment #bc I’m still in school #she said 24-48 hours….. #WHERES MY EMAIL #btw they want me to start paying next month…….. #I already had a meltdown about this on Monday #and I’m like going to have another one bc this world is so unlivable

[writing-intheundercroft]

Saw a tiktok that was like

“What are you going to do with an English degree? Write high quality fan fiction”

And I’ve never seen something more accurate (or at least I hope that’s what I’m providing)

#writing-intheundercroft #putting my 50k of student loans to work #someone has to provide hogwarts legacy content and I’m going to contribute #haven’t been this down bad for a game in years

[binders-and-beanies]

Doin bad again folx

#might delete later I’m just wide awake and miserable #summer bill came out today and it’s $7100 not including housing which will be $2400 #literally dunno how im gonna pay for that and my dad is. adding to the emotional turmoil of it all #not able to get a loan at least not before the bill is due #able to get aid luckily but again who knows when or how much #my bday is tomorrow and for months I’ve been like please just let my bday be a good day i need one #i need some hope. not that I haven’t had good experiences lately bc I have. but nothing that lasts #nothing i get to feel good about for more than a day before a new problem drops #I need to enjoy my birthday without feeling this deep dark dread and fear and fucking guilt and hopelessness #I have fun plans for today And tomorrow and I’m grateful but honestly stressed about that too #bc it’s gonna be a lot + bc of all I need to do outside of that #+ I don’t get to spend my bday w friends the way I want like I have one friend Maybe coming w me #my bday is supposed to feel celebratory and instead it feels like absolutely forcing some illusion of choice or joy in my life #on top of it all. the most peaceful I usually ever feel is in bed w my partner and now my body won’t even let me hold or be held by them #currently laying next to them not touching them so I at least don’t keep them up w how physically miserable I am rn #I’m literally always physically miserable at this point and it feels like spring is never gonna come and provide any relief #but it’s like can I at least be cozy w them. nope instead I’m wide awake facing various horrors #despite being permanently exhausted and falling asleep in class after 40 ounces of coffee #Im just. so fucking unhappy in life rn dude I don’t want life to be like this forever with the constant threat of it getting much worse #fucking shred of joy in this godforsaken world: the sleep noises they r making rn #mine #txt #vent post #suicidal ideation tw #<- cry for help

[hershelchocolate]

Girl HELPPP it is so impossible to try to find a place to sell digital art without every single recommendation being redbubble. I KNOW it's the easiest I know I know, I just really do not like the quality of things I've gotten from there and I've heard they've gotten worse with fees 😔 how is a girlie supposed to try to sell art like this?

#that and all the responses im getting from searches is all heres how to sell your original traditional art pieces to real galleries!!! #like. no. thats not what im doing here #i want to sell prints most of all just cause i always love them so much i want to be able to provide them to others #but shirts and stickers and charms and aaaa!!! theyre all so cool! but i cant make them myself!! #everything takes like 50% of the profits too #buddy im trying to make a living off of this ive got student loans coming in a month or so #you cant take half my stuff >:( thats mean #but i must be really bad at looking for things cause im not getting any sites that actually do what i want 😔 #id be okay with giving up everything else if i can just. find a way to sell high quality prints #and i get to keep the fucking MONEYYY #IT SHOULDNT BE THIS HARD WAAAAA #randy rambles

[paulmccartneymybeloved]

I told myself I wouldn't buy anymore books but I cannot help myself

#me vs spending my student loan #that i receive to be able to provide for myself while i am studying #on beatles stuff

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

Remember to sign up for the SAVE student loan income driven repayment plan!!! Your loans won’t accrue interest AND your monthly payment can be as low as $0.

It took me 30 minutes bc the website loads super slowly bc it’s the FSA website but it was not hard

#apparently I still need to mail my paperwork to my loan provider #so there is still some work #but I can pay ZERO dollars per month AND get no interest bc I make so little money #get on this before October!!!!!!!!! #it is an application so it still needs approval

[bitnestloop]

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[purple-petrichor]

Amazing, I'm so proud of her <333

#just kidding it's student loans migrating to another provider apparently? #but it makes me feel better to imagine my loans got Trans'd #transgender #lgbtq #trans stuff #lgbtq funny #I say

[divineloanhub]

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[bee-boppin]

Just had to make two payments on my student loans despite being a full time student because the government is incompetent 🤗 I'm going to kill someonnnnne 😇

#i did the loan providers questionnaire to say hiiii my loans cant go into repayment im enrolled full time!! A MONTH AGO #AND I DID IT THREE TIMES #RAAAHHHHH #im fine

[isthisjackie]

I do not think I can be more stressed than I am rn

#personal #work has been so stressful #and family stuff hase been so stressful #I’m trying to plan moving all of my stuff out of my parents’ house which will be an ordeal #tomorrow I’m putting my dog down and paying $600 so we can do it at home #my student loan provider sent me an email today #saying they want me to pay $450 a month #and I’m trying to look at other payment plans #but my brain is so fucking fries I can’t even get through it #and I have to go back to my parents’ house so they can like #say goodbye to my dog #which is an hour away #and then next week I have the trivia show my friends and I do monthly #which is also an hour away and the day before I get paid #so I’ll have like #no money #like I #may perhaps have a mental breakdown #who’s to say #and I literally cannot afford to take time off of work #bc I don’t have PTO #and bc I make $28/hr #taking a day off means losing like $200 #I don’t think any of my options are particularly good rn #I also have to like clean the house for tomorrow

[moprocrastinates]

it’s hilarious to me that student loan payments are about to start in 2 weeks and biden hasn’t said jack shit about extending the pause or cancelling anything BUT ALSO NEITHER HAS MY LOAN PROVIDER LMAO

#what is going on??? #i s2g the dept of ed and biden are just shuffling around like jean-ralphio and mona-lisa in that parks and rec scene #DON'T BE SUSPICIOUS DON'T BE SUSPICIOUS #student debt cancellation #tbh i hope my loan provider's given up

[elprupneerg]

zoned out staring at a spreadsheet for like 40 minutes without realizing it. bad news is that now its 3:30am and rip my sleep schedule. good news is that if the student loan forgiveness goes through, i might be able to pay off my student loans around 2 years earlier than my current projections

#a lot of my math is off because i'm not calculating the interest as accurately as i'd like #and also i'm not accounting for the fact that i've got 2 more years of school #which means 2 more years worth of loans #also also my private loan providers aren't very clear with when exactly they want me to start on repayments #so i might need to start that earlier than i'm currently putting in my spreadsheet #which will affect things #but! its still a fairly accurate estimate given the numbers i currently have

[phantomchick]

Shout out to Library Genesis for once again saving my life a week before a deadline

#that feel when the recommended reading is already loaned out #that feel when the national library is closed all weekend because of the bank holiday #that feel when an amazon delivery will take over a week #that feel when you remember pirating exists and then you search a bunch of The Sites but the book doesn't come up #THAT FEEL WHEN LIBRARY GENESIS PROVIDES ALL YOU NEED LIKE THE MODERN DAY SAVIOUR IT IS #LIBRARY GENESIS #SAVING POOR STUDENTS SINCE 2008