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watermelonsenpai · 4 years

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Anxiety truly is such a bitch. Like why the Fuck am I shaking an sweating rn. WHY. I should not be experiencing these physical symptoms of anxiety for No Fucking Reason.

#fuck #this is fucking infuriating #I'm literally convulsing I'm shaking so fucking hard what the fuck #please #i just want to relax #i am so stressed and so sad #watermelonsenpai #personalmelon

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watermelonsenpai · 4 years

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I want, more than anything, to be as genuine as possible. I want to be open and honest, and to have deep, meaningful and helpful conversations. I want to be close and understanding and understood. I want to feel known, and not just tolerated. I want others to feel safe in talking to me about how they're feeling, and I want to be able to do the same without any fears.

I wish it wasn't so hard being a human. I wish it wasn't so difficult to talk to others. I wish we'd grown differently.

#watermelonsenpai #personalmelon #been in a depression hole for days #can't seem to get out and i don't know what to do #i feel so lost and so stressed and so unsure #it's fucking bullshit honestly lmao #i just #want to feel better

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watermelonsenpai · 2 years

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I miss my friends. I'm trying very hard right now, but it feels like there are more and more reasons to stop trying and it's so difficult to keep going when it feels like even though I'm trying my hardest in genuinely doesn't matter because right when I start to try, I start losing people that I never thought I'd lose and it's. Tearing me apart so much when everything else is so hard already. I don't understand. It's just getting harder and harder and I'm fucking fighting so hard but what's the point if I'm going to lose everyone once I start trying?

#watermelonsenpai #personalmelon #it feels like 3 out of the 5 close friends i had fucking hate me and i genuinely don't know why #and it hurts so fucking much and i just don't understand why this is happening on top of everything else #right as I'm trying my Fucking hardest to make it in a world that i really Really do not feel like I'll ever belong in #i keep having nightmares of eventually all my friends hating me or of getting to finally talk to my friends and laying to rest the fear #i have that they hate me but then i just wake up and it was only a dream and I'm left wondering if i really have lost these people and if #I'm just going to keep losing people and it hurts it hurts so fucking much I've cried so much and hurt so much over this and it's so fuckin #unnecessary and out of nowhere i just. i don't know. i don't know why people won't talk to me like we're adults and have a conversation if #I've done something they don't like or if they've heard something about me from someone else why they would just take that person solely at #their word and hear nothing else #I'm so tired of crying and hurting and literally dreaming of fixing things. what's the point anymore

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watermelonsenpai · 3 years

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Depression is weird and makes you do not the best stuff, but today I showered for the first time in 2 weeks and brushed my teeth for the first time in 3. I also chopped off 3 inches of very dead hair before my shower for a kind of fresh start feel, and I'm super happy with how it turned out.

Anyway, if anyone is struggling rn, just know you're not alone 💜💚

#watermelonsenpai #personalmelon #did some good self care stuff today #feeling better bit by bit #it's been real hard lately but hopefully this is a good start up. haven't even wanted to bother trying to do that in a while.

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watermelonsenpai · 3 years

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Well Alrighty Then I guess that's just. How that's gonna be.

#personalmelon #watermelonsenpai #hmmmmmm #okay.#I'm having a lot of emotions right now #and I'm really having a hard time with them. I'm feeling more destroyed than ever before.#i genuinely do not know where i am to go from here. it doesn't feel like there's anywhere.#it hurts so much. everything hurts so much. I'm so sick of it just getting worse and not getting an ounce of feeling good #it's all i want. just to feel good. to feel a little extra love. it's so hard right now.

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watermelonsenpai · 3 years

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I'm having a hard time.

#personalmelon #watermelonsenpai #i don't know if I'll ever Not be having a hard time tbh #it feels like never #it feels like I'll never get better that i have no hope of getting better #and it feels like it doesn't matter how badly I'm struggling because everyone is so who cares.#and i just can't seem to get any good vibes or positivity coming my way #I've given up i think

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watermelonsenpai · 3 years

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Boy howdy y'all it sure do be Those Hours tho

#I've been having a Really Hard time #i haven't showered in almost 2 weeks #dunno when i last brushed my teeth #just wanna chop my hair off so i don't just keep pulling a tangled mess up into a ponytail #and it's h getting harder every day #had a real bad time a few weeks ago and it just. Completely destroyed me and i really dunno how to go on #honestly what i desperately need is just some tlc and acknowledgement #and to be able to get together the capacity to take a fucking shower and brush my teeth because i feel so gross and my mouth tastes awful #but do i actually care #i dunno #i can't even be alone for more than 30 mins without starting to feel incredibly manic and start crying and having Extra intrusive thoughts #so i just end up laying down and passing out so that i can pass by the time that I'd be alone but then i obviously fuck up sleeping at night #for myself and have lots of trouble and it's just all around been so hard lately. and i feel so fucking bad #oh i forgot #personalmelon #watermelonsenpai

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watermelonsenpai · 4 years

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I wish I could just tell my mom that I'm happier not talking to her but I can't. I can't, I have to pretend that it doesn't cause me immense anxiety and stress and almost constant panic because not pretending those things could lead to dire consequences that I Can't have on my conscience and it's so fucking hard and I'm so sad and so tired.

#watermelonsenpai #personalmelon #i fucking hate this i fucking hate these feelings and these thoughts i don't know what to do with them #i have not been doing well for a long time and i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know how to talk to people anymore #i don't know how to word anything i don't know how to reply to messages let alone start a conversation. i feel like i don't have anything o #value to contribute. all i am anymore is sad. that's all I've been for so long and now i barely have any interests because i let the idea #that i wouldn't be around much longer anyway so what's the point take control and now i have nothing to talk about except being depressed #because that's all I've been for 10 years and it's getting so hard to not feel like no one cares anymore because it's... just all i am #i feel like I'm a burden that brings people down so I'm slowly losing everyone because no one wants to put up with it anymore #and i get it i don't want to put up with it anymore either. i know i need to get therapy but there have things that happened that have made #me go down such a dark hole of feeling like it will never matter and it's so fucking hard to get out. I've been feeling like there's no hop #for a very long time. it's gotten so bad and i feel so guilty and it's making life so so hard. i haven't brushed my teeth in months i #brushed my hair today after I'm not sure how many days of just pulling a tangled mess into a half ponytail. i haven't showered in a week.#i want to shave my head just so it's easier to not take care of even though it's finally the style I've wanted for years. the therapist i #was last talking to until visits stopped a few months ago gave me the number to an inpatient mental health facility and i have been thinkin #about going but I am so scared because of all the virus shit. and of how I'll be treated and of being pumped full of medications and of not #being able to talk to my partner or friends and I'm just so scared of the horror stories about how your treated and how for a lot of people #it's not a healing or helpful experience and it's often just more trauma to deal with so I've fought so hard not to go because i just want #help and I'm scared of trying and not getting real help. i know i need therapy and a new/ better diagnosis because that's what the last #therapist told me but everything's gotten so fucked up in the world and now it's so much harder when it was already So Fucking Hard and i a #falling deeper and deeper into the well and i don't know how to get out. my depression and anxiety have taken over and it's so hard to get #through the day. i have gotten so fucking scared of leaving the house and going anywhere i have to constantly push down my anxiety and #stress and try to make it through the store without having a panic attack so i can get home and wash my hands and change my clothes and #disinfect things and i never feel like it's enough and I've had so many breakdowns about feeling like I'll never feel safe and clean again #and i am so tired and so sad and so done with feeling like this. my hands are so dry from washing them countless times a day and i feel lik #everything from outside is contaminated and I've gotten so scared of touching things and of eating when i already had so much food based #anxiety before all this anyway. i just want to feel happy and relaxed and i genuinely don't know if my brain is capable of that anymore #I've also been getting random giant hives for over a month that itch really bad and get massive and hot to the touch and i don't know what'#causing them. probably stress. and i don't see my stress getting any better anytime soon and I'm 🙃🙃🙃 not doing very well.

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watermelonsenpai · 4 years

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Don't be afraid to seek/ask for help or just talk if you need to. There has to be people who want to help you. No one should struggle alone...

Thanks anon.

I'm slightly in the process of getting a new therapist and diagnosis, it's just. A struggle.

AndI'm having a very hard time feeling like others care about me tbh, the support on here is the most I've gotten tbh. Fighting thoughts that people couldn't care less and whatnot.

But the nice messages here have honestly been so sweet, whether they're all from one person or a few, I appreciate them greatly 💜

#watermelonsenpai #personalmelon #anon #anonymous #truly thank you

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watermelonsenpai · 4 years

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Mm.

Birthday depression certainly is real.

#especially when you've never felt more like a failure #or you've reached a point you never thought you'd get to #hard not to feel super low about everything #hopefully today and tomorrow are nice though #watermelonsenpai #personalmelon

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watermelonsenpai · 4 years

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Okay