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ftpverse · 2 years

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the DI Edits Changelog masterpost...?

ffn might be dying etc figured i’d rescue the all-in-one-place changelog from the final chapter and repost it somewhere else. also includes the 2022 edits and cleaned up some things that were vague for some reason

abbreviated, if you want more indepth changelog check out the “di edits” tag on my personal tumblr

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OVERALL EDITS

KAIRI

- tweaking so that she is a character instead of a flat love interest, mostly in the form of having lingering bitterness about her friends seemingly abandoning her for part 1

SHADKAI

- their friendship is SO juicy... Kairi who keeps talking to him because she’s lonely... Shad who has found someone who can know him without having preconceived notions of him and wanting to relish in it... A friendship that hinges on Kairi never finding out who he is, but a friendship they both desperately are relying on in trying times... I think they are the juiciest relationship in the series and so I have gone thru DI several times to really do it justice

RIKU ADJACENT THINGS

- if physical touch borderline triggers him, then it should do that thru... the whole fic, and not just in the second half when I realized it would be a thing

SHIP THINGS

- I was so heavy handed on heteronormative nonsense for Namiku Sokai and Shadkai and so I’ve toned it down where I could, which was only so many places for Namiku since the story revolves around their fumbling romance, but I’m satisfied that Sokai came out more like best friends who love each other and that Shadkai is, well, not just “Shad has the hots for Kairi” because their relationship is SO juicy when you actually dig into it etc

OTHER??

- I wrote this when I was 13-14, so there was a lot of stuff that’s cringe in the unfun way, and I did my best to mitigate it whenever I could

- also, pacing, but I was under the constraint of I could not delete any chapters (I liveblogged my writing on tumblr after ch100!! That’s over 100 chapters with specific liveblog tags for each!!!! That’d be a nightmare to redo if the numbers got moved!!!!) so it’s not perfect but it’s better than the first draft

- continuity errors, fixing up char voice, etc

SPECIFIC EDITS PER CHAPTER BELOW (ABBREVIATED)

(a more in depth changelog is on the di edits tag on my personal tumblr – tried to keep this a sentence or so per edit, so minor details got left out if a lot of things were going on in the chapter)

Part 1

- Ch1 - made it a better first chapter, so anyone who skipped the Truth Hurts and Falling to Pieces wouldn't be totally lost. Also it's just, in general, a better First Chapter of anything.

- Ch2 - redid the Namine/Kairi scene so it made more sense (why would they ask each other if they missed the boys when they knew?). Added a Sora scene for more introduction to story vibes.

- Ch3 - shifted the Sora scene that was previously in ch2 here.

It happened over the course of a couple chapters, but I also removed the "Kairi forgot the events of Falling to Pieces, the book" because it seemed so dumb? So, she remembers that now. It's cool.

- Ch6 - tweaked the conversation about Deactivating Replicas because it was a little insensitive at first. This turned into talking a more about Replica lore (and Rewriting being a thing).

- Ch8 - the Kairi/Namine scene was edited, now ft a nightmare scene. Better framing of Kairi having mixed feelings about Sora etc and also probably some of that “I removed the Kairi forgetting things plotline, something ELSE has to go here”

- Ch10 - I wanted to pretend like Sora wasn't actually close friends with Namine in early FtPverse days for some reason and Heck To That, so now Sora telling Joseph about Namine actually reads like he knows her, because he does.

- Ch11 - made it clearer who Vexen was (i.e., from a goddamn parallel universe, Riku’s literal real creator) from the start, lol.

- Ch15 - the Kairi/Namine scene (about letters) was edited so it sounded more like it was actually Kairi speaking? The letter was also edited for this reason.

- Ch20 - edited the scene where 17 tries to kidnap Namine so that Kairi was there. Added Kairi's POV of the scene. Shifted the Namine arriving in C.O. scene from here to ch21.

- Ch21 - Sora spent a lot of this chapter thinking about how he was ~in the way~ of Riku and Namine and that? sucks? So I cut it and tweaked the chapter accordingly. Oh yeah, and now he's actually worried to receive the news that Namine collapsed.

- Ch22 - Namine now goes "WAIT A MINUTE I LEFT KAIRI BEHIND"; I cannot actually edit things so that Kairi makes it to C.O. in part 1, but I can at least edit it so that Namine doesn’t forget about her entirely, you know

- Ch24 - another discussion about Namine wanting to bring Kairi to C.O. Edited the Sora/Namine scene so it actually reads like they're friends, cut more of the ~in the way~ junk.

- Ch28 - edited the Xigbar scenes because what was originally there didn't make a lot of sense. / added yet another "okay I should get Kairi" "okay but please don't?" convo

- Ch30 - Brand new take on the Kairi/Selphie scene to cover Kairi being Really Mad she got left behind. I really really really love it. / The Riku/Namine scene at the end was edited as well to remove an unnecessary part of the conversation, and also start hinting at Alpha being, well, who he is (kind of a jerk).

- Ch31 - tweaked HB gang dynamics so they'd be more in line with how these characters actually act. Finally described Aerith's house from the get-go. It only took me five years.

- Ch34 - and again with the "I should get Kairi" convo. Now Riku provides the most legit excuse he's got (doesn’t want to drag her unnecessarily into things that “aren’t her problem” etc)

- Ch41 - a small tweak, but Leon is now dodgier than he was before when answering Sora's questions about Zack. The goal here is to show Aerith's not the only one coping with his loss.

- Ch45-47 - shuffled chapters around in here becuase the pacing was awkward, and it made more sense to me to put the two Shad chapters (Lurking Darkness, 44, and A Meeting, now 45) right next to each other instead of interrupt them with 900 words about Sora (What Darkness Can Do, now 46) which lead right into Running from a Memory, ch47, ANYWAY. makes mores sense if What Darkness Can Do goes straight into Running from a Memory rather than be interrupted by the ShadKai meeting, so.

- Ch45 - redid the scene where Shad and Kairi first meet for a lot of reasons, the main two being 1) to tone down Shad's crush so it wouldn't make me want to barf, 2) so that Kairi reacts like a normal person to meeting someone she can't see. Shad can have a crush on Kairi if he wants but it was such heteronormative nonsense in the 1.0 ver... I wanted to focus on their friendship without Shad’s feelings for Kairi boiling down to “he has the hots for her” because, well, that’s no fun. Him liking her because she’s the only person who sees him for himself instead of tied to Sora, however....

- Ch47 - edited the convo about Zack. Rewrote it entirely, to be honest, but all the content is Still There the dialogue was just fussed with so it'd be truer to the HB gang I'm familiar w/ now

- Ch48 - had to tweak Kairi's letter so she was Angry, and also so it fit more in line with her character. Because the letter was tweaked, Shad pondering on it also had to be tweaked.

- Ch50/51 - Minor edits to 50, tweaking the memory scene. 51, like 47, was rewritten to be truer to the HB gang I'm familiar with now. Main difference is Leon is a little more protective of Aerith because Siblings and also Shad takes a dig at Leon.

- Ch55 - the scene from ch56 where Riku and Namine talk about the Repair Program was moved to the end of this chapter to make room in 56 for another Shad/Kairi scene

- Ch56 - another rewritten Shad/Kairi scene, this time because the original talked about a lot of things that were unnecessary, also I wanted it from Kairi's POV. I just wanted to better dig into how juicy their relationship can be, is, etc. Was moved from 57 to 56 for pacing reasons.

- Ch57 - scenes from ch56 were moved here for pacing reasons. no other edits made.

- Ch63 - really just edits clarifying timeline things for HB gang and explaining why Yuffie doesn't know about Sephiroth.

- Ch66/67 - Edited the Cloud and Aerith thing so Cloud's A Little Mean, now. Mainly I just wanted to hint more explicitly at Zack. Also, Aerith actually heals Riku because I don't know why she didn't the first time around.

- Ch70/71 - rewrote these scenes almost completely. The basics of the original content are there still there, but... The memory in chapter 70 was changed, SoKai and Shadkai hints removed. Now we talk about Zack more, because why not. (Also, Tifa can see Shad now, and punches him in the gut. It's fun.)

- Ch73 - Tweaked the Riku and L scene so it's got bigger / more accurate hints at Riku's deal re: Larxene.

- Ch77 - I was convinced initially that even though 7 was a medic he wouldn't know how to use cure magic? By Nothing's Fair's rewrite I'd retconned this, but yanno, I might as well clean up my continuity. He has a better reason for not being able to do anything for Riku's hand now. And we bring up R because I love her.

- Ch79/81 - Continuity tweaks to healing Riku's hand in 79. In 81 Aerith actually heals the gash on Riku's side now because there's no reason she wouldn't. Riku gets a little twitchy, which plays into 117.

- Ch87 - rewrote the Kairi + her dad scene again, completely from scratch. Mostly it’s cleaning up their dynamic and adjusting Kairi from being oh sad depressed her friends are gone so sad poor Kairi but she’s fine really to FUCKING FURIOUS THAT THEY LEFT HER BEHIND. This is another one of the rewritten chapters that I think absolutely RULES.

- Ch90 - originally Amaryllis was frustrated and Alpha calmed him, but we all know it should have been the way around. So now it is.

- SWAPPED 96 AND 97, SO THAT 96 IS THE KAIRI SCENE, AND 97 IS START OF BEAST’S CASTLE. Seemed silly to start a Sora plot, interrupt it for Kairi fuckor, then get back to Sora plot...

- Ch96 - changed the Shad scene because Kairi actually doesn't have THAT much faith in Sora, so we had to account for that; now it's "I'll crush her tiny faith" vs "I'll completely make her lose faith". Put the rewritten Kairi scene here right after the Shad scene instead of cutting to Sora. Kairi scene edited for same reasons, also wanted it in Kairi's POV. Now features a really cool dream sequence.

- Ch97 - Sora stuff starts here now instead of starting in ch96 and getting interrupted

- Ch100 - another one of those "I technically rewrote the entire thing but all the content is still there". Mainly just needed to adjust for the fact that oops, Kairi actually is mad at Sora now, why is Shad acting like she's not. (This should have happened with Kairi batch 1 edits tbh but, it slipped under my radar.)

xxx

Part 2

- Ch104 - Kairi now shows up in this chapter instead of waiting until 107. Also, she's mad.

- Ch107 - Now Namine offers to take Kairi with her and they get on the road immediately instead of taking five chapters. Kairi leaves Shad a note so he knows she’s gone! Also there's a new scene with Kairi's dad!

- Ch108 - Changed the pacing / reasoning for why Sora stabs Riku (mainly just made it for ? reasons instead of "about Namine" because it being about Namine rankled of heteronormativity and its more fun imo if darkness is just a bitch...?)

- Ch109 - Namine still feels Riku get stabbed, but now they leave for HB literally immediately since they were already almost ready to go.

- Ch110 - a now-unnecessary Kairi scene got cut. Shad scene tweaked a bit so that he actually reacted to Sora vanishing because he barely reacted the first time around.

- Ch111-119 - all of these were completely rewritten. Everything is new. Everything was changed. (Except, uh, the Shad scene in 115 that one's basically the same). Mostly just wanted to clean up Kairi’s friendships with Riku and Namine and got myself the space to do that by deleting four chapters where the whole HB gang was yelling at each other for – I think Shad reasons, but come on, Shad’s a little distracted right now, he’s not going to be manipulating anybody. So with those gone I had real estate to cover Kairi friendships, Kairi char development, and also the consequences of Riku, you know, nearly dying. (And also Riku char beats.)

- Ch120 - Since as of 115 Sora has been on the run from Maleficent for a few chapters, this Agrabah chapter had to be edited to reflect that. The Shad scene also got edits for continuity reasons.

- Ch121 - Continuity edits on Sora's side. The Kairi scenes are brand new, followup on the 111-119 edits.

- Ch123 - Relatively minor edits to Kairi's inner monologue, generally cleaning up her voice and also adding a few other smaller touches (including: her being a lil nervous because there's A Lot going on between her and Sora that the initial narrative didn't allow room for.)

- Ch124 - Some continuity edits on Sora's side. Kairi scene edited to reflect the changes in her relationship with Shad. They’re friends, your honor.

- Ch125 - 124 got edited, so of course 125 did too. (Changes in the ShadKai dynamic, etc.)

- Ch127 - Continuity edits to reflect the fact Riku's been gone a few days and not just overnight.

- Ch128 - Continuity edits for the same reasons as 127, as well as toning down Riku's darkness... things a little bit. It might not seem like it, but trust me when I say I toned it down. / Changed the ending for largely self-indulgent reasons. Riku reacts differently to getting hit by lightning now.

- Ch129 - completely rewritten. All the content is still there, it's just a new take on the scene, ft knowledge about the subject that I have amassed over the past 5 years, and, yanno, written a little more sensitively.

- Ch130 - Riku was in a Bad Mood the first time around, but since he wasn't in a bad mood at the end of 129, there's no reason to put him back in a bad mood! Lot of continuity edits to make it so he's not in a bad mood, cut some things, rearranged some things, moved into the meltdown from a new direction.

- Ch132 - because Riku only talked about Larxene in 129 (as it should be) and didn't really mention the rest of the Organization, Namine couldn't vaguely think about how the Organization had affected Riku in this chapter! So we cut like five paragraphs of that, and lead into the Important Vexen Thoughts from another angle.

- Ch134 - small continuity edits and cleaning up Kairi's voice.

- Ch135-138 - edits to the R sequence in general, rewrote basically every chapter. Mainly just wanted to redo R's dialogue because I love her, and so this more true to her character, and her and 7's relationship is a little clearer. (They were major characters in NF rewrite, so continuity, etc.) Also now R explains what she did to herself and how it directly relates to Xion, which pisses 7 off. We also get hints at Riku's darkness Maybe Being A Problem as well as Riku's desire for revenge against Larxene. Most importantly, I swapped ch137 and ch138 so that there wasn't an awkward Namiku break before we finished resolving everything with R, which makes ch137 "tRying" instead of ch138. Whew, this is a lot.

- Ch139 - Rewrote to give Kairi a different nightmare, as well as change up her thoughts on Sora so they feel more accurate after other edits I'd done. So like, continuity largely that involved rewriting the entire chapter.

chapter rearranging crimes: moved 139 (art break 3) to 155, making hymn for the missing now chapter 139 and lining up the next sequence to be one on chapter 141 and two on chapter 142 etc etc and so on. (a discrepency that had bugged me for ten years now fixed).

- Ch159 - Namine whacked Riku over the head here and instead of just removing it I had them talk about why this is a bad thing,

- Ch173 - rewrote the ShadKai scene because I wanted them to actually talk to each other. The other scene was fine, but... it wasn’t them talking to each other.

- Ch175 - the original was good but I decided to add a couple hundred words where Riku reacts mmm more realistically to being offered a family, taking a while to be sure Aerith means this and also giving me the chance to really get into the nitty gritty of how much this means to him vs only spending like, a sentence on it.

- Ch188 - edits to Kairi's dialogue so she sounded more like her, as well as edits to her opinion / feelings towards Sora so that they were in line with previous edits.

- Ch189 - editing ch173 messed up the continuity of this chapter, and the whole “bound” thing was just there as a fallback if I chickened out of ch228. Now is Shad getting existential about his existence as he knows he sits in the twilight of it.

- Ch192 - same as previous. Near completely rewrote Kairi's message. Made her less terrified/upset/crying and more just "I miss you, and we're being dumb". Also had to edit Sora's reaction to it.

- Ch193 - minor edit that's just "Yuffie was complaining about Riku and no, please, she actually likes him."

- Ch196 - more edits of Kairi's thoughts to line up with 188/192, so, Continuity.

xxx

Part 3

- Ch215 - deleted a lot of unnecessary setup for Pacing reasons. Tweaked Kairi and Riku scene so it felt more like they're actually friends. Edited it so Sora found out about Namine sooner and also, so Sora and Namine felt more like friends.

- Ch216 - more pacing things. redid the starting conversation, so Kairi feels more worried about Namine. (As much as I loved her teasing Riku, it had to go. She should be taking this seriously.)

- Ch218 - I changed it in 216 so Riku actually knew where Namine was so, Roxas couldn't use that info to bribe Kairi in this chapter anymore. Tweaked the ending Roxas and Kairi convo a lot to accommodate that, as well as add in a few hints towards Nothing's Fair.

- Ch221 - it was silly to me that Joseph would insist Sora help them with rescuing Vexen, so now it's just "let's go to the surveillance room so I can tell you where Riku and Kairi are".

- Ch227 - edits to ShadKai dynamic that are largely just, continuity

- Ch229 - Sora brings up the fact Kairi and Shad were friends, now. May be clunky but I really wanted it there, thanks.

- Ch235 - tweaked convo to once again bring up the fact Kairi was friends with Shad

- Ch237 - ditto

- Ch240 - brought up some new ideas re: Memories, since I reread this and went "wait why didn't they talk about this thing." Also edited Kairi's reactions some.

- Ch241/242 - the original idea for fixing Namine was dumb. the binder plot was dumb. so instead NamiKai dances, which is, a thing they do.

- Ch243 - listen I just wanted to make Riku jump when Kairi grabbed him in the middle of this chapter

- Ch244 - Kairi didn't say anything to Namine initially? Idk how that happened but I fixed it.

- Ch245 - whack to me that I didn’t imply the kids took a nap after the hell of a “day” they just had, so I fixed it so they did. They deserve to crash in a cuddle puddle!!

- Ch246 - minor dialogue tweaks that were bugging me

#di edits

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strangest-loser · 4 years

Text

IT Rewrite

Stay With Me ( And You Can Dream Forever) - Chapter Two

Chapter One //

MASTERLIST

Trigger Warnings: underage drinking, unhealthy relationships, smoking, drugs

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June 1899

~RING~

Rhiannon was the last one out of the classroom after bidding Mr. Castello a happy summer, one thing she wasn’t going to miss was Monday morning French class. Speed walking down the hall she could see Henry and his friends lined up against the wall jeering at kids who stalked past. Ducking under the arm of Stanley Uris (and ignoring the strange looks that her brother and his friends gave her) she pulled herself into the bathroom, she definitely wasn’t hiding from her ‘boyfriend’ and his pack of goons, why would you say that. The overwhelming, annoying screech of pig-faced Greta Keene hit her like a train and before she could even take stock of the situation wet garbage splashed the bottom of her boots from underneath a stall. “Fuck sake Gretta, do your parents really hate you that much that you need to take it out on innocent girls? or is it all that internalized homophobia that makes you stalk them in the bathroom?” she snarked out watching the girl pale before stomping out with her posse, any other girl would have gotten a beating after saying that but no one in their right mind would stand up against Rhiannon considering that she was dating Henry Bowers. Not because she was actually into him, god no!, but he gets her alcohol and cigarettes and as long as she looks pretty and keeps quiet he doesn’t get violent. Its sad but its the easiest way for Rhiannon to forget about what happened to Georgie, vodka is cheap and it takes the pain away, plus it let her try and loosen the noose around Bill and his friends.

The stall door that was spewing garbage opened up to reveal Beverly Marsh, the pretty redhead in Rhiannon’s english class. “Greta is a bitch, are you ok Beverly?” she asked pulling off her flannel and wetting the corner in the sink and helping the poor girl clean up. She didn’t miss the incredulous look on the girls face, *Why is ‘Bowers Girl’ helping me* spread across her features but the girl went along with it. Soon enough Beverly’s face was clear, her hair was rinsed under the faucet, dried under the hand dryer and brushed out with a comb, and her damp dress was now swapped out for a spare sundress in Rhiannon’s gym bag, and the small makeover done and shared cigarettes later the two girls were walking out of the east exit (Rhiannon purposefully avoiding her boyfriend who was at the west entrance) only to see someone struggling with their stuff, on closer inspection she saw it was that new kid in her Biology. “Hey Ben!” she greeted while Bev made her jab about passwords. There was fear in Bens eyes at the sight of the Brunette and that’s when it stung, this kid didn’t even know her but he was afraid of her. “Henry is over at the other side of campus so you should be ok” she confirmed sending her kindest smile towards the boy who seemed to relax slightly. “What are you listening to ?” Bev pulled his headphones off him before the poor boy could answer, he having gone red in the face when she smiled and called him out on listening to New Kids on The Block. Their little encounter was sweet and Rhiannon smiled at the obvious awe that was spattered across Bens face whenever he looked at Beverly. “I should go, see you around Rhiannon” Bev waved before walking off across the field. Rhiannon smiled at the kind girl and turned her sweet grin to the boy in front of her “That’s an awful lot to carry, do you need any help?” Ben stuttered and fumbled through a rejection which only prompted the girl to giggle, “You sound like my brother.”

After signing Bens yearbook with her signature and a sweet message she left towards the west entrance without another interruption, she knew if she was any later that Henry would be angry and Rhiannon was not in the mood to deal with his piss baby temper tantrums that afternoon. Coming up next to the bus lanes she saw the four bullies walking towards her brother and let out an audible “oh fuck” before speeding up. she saw Patrick pull something off Stanley’s head before tossing it in her direction, she caught it and realized it was his kippah, pocketing it before rushing forward and slapping on a flirty smile, “Hey Henry!” The boy in questions eyes lit up like a lion who just saw a steak and suppressing a disgusted shiver she laid her hands on his chest and leaned into his ear, “your dad is here, why don’t we get going yeah?” Rhiannon knew to keep her voice soft and to keep her hands moving, bringing them up to his shoulders and flashing him ‘bedroom eyes’, she felt dirty but she knew it would get him away from her brother and his friends. Henry took one look at the four kids behind her and she pulled out the big guns, pressing kisses on his neck she whispered “Plus I heard Johnathan Chase got a fresh supply in this morning.” The mention of weed pulled Henrys mind away from the boys and back onto Rhiannon, he began to walk away with her before she told him that she needed to talk to her brother for a second and she’d be in the car soon. Once all four boys were out of earshot she spat into the grass “I fucking hate doing that.”

Bill walked forward to his twin asking if she was ok only to be met with a reassurance that everything was fine. “Oh Stan,” she called for the Jewish boys attention before producing the lost prayer cap from her pocket, “I didn’t know if these could touch the ground or not so I caught it before it hit the tarmac.” All four boys looked at her like she had three heads before ‘Trashmouth’ Richie Tozier spoke what they were all thinking, “Christ Angel what the hell are you doing being that nice and dating Bowers, not to mention you are way out of his league.” Rhiannon smirked at the boy before she answered back “Because who else is going to keep you knuckleheads from getting your faces beat, as long as I can twirl my hair and pout my lips long enough to get Pewee and his three dumbasses to leave you guys alone then that’s enough for me.” The horn going off across the parking lot made Rhiannon jump before she started to wrap up their little chat. “Oh and Eddie, tell your mom that the shit she ordered came into the pharmacy last night whenever she wants to pick it up.” With that she jogged across the field and jumped into Belches blue Pontiac Firebird and was immediately dragged into Henry’s lap with his tongue down her throat. If she had to whore herself out to Bowers to keep those boys safe then she would do it one thousand times over, she wasn’t going to let another brother get hurt, not if there was anything she could do about it.

Sitting and listening to the ‘Bowers Gang’ on any given day was like Rhiannon personally ripping her own brain cells and shoving them in a blender. The one thing that was stopping her from slamming her head against the wall was the bottle of vodka that Patrick passed her out of his backpack when they got to the scrapyard which she now held between her thighs as she took the blunt from Vic. After going through the motions of hanging out with the four assholes for the past few months it became increasingly easy to block the whole world out like a hazy white noise machine. This is not where she wanted to be spending her life, she hated the three idiots sat around her and as for Henry, who stood behind her telling some random shitty (probably racist) story, well she would probably hate him just as much if she didn’t know how fucking sad his childhood was, but she just felt kind of sorry for him. Plus he wasn’t so bad when they were alone, sometimes he was actually nice, when he first spoke to her it was 2 weeks after she got out of the hospital and she was walking back from her part time job at the pharmacy when she saw him sitting in the back alley nursing a broken nose. After contemplating her apparent death wish she made her way down the alley and kneeled in front of the then 15 year old before pulling him into the back room of Keene’s pharmacy and patching him up. Two days later it was Monday morning and after multiple threats towards the girls safety if she spilled a word about what his father did to him Henry was thoroughly shocked to find that he wasn’t met with mockery but instead with praise. It took Belch telling about how the entire school was talking about how he beat up some guys from a rival school in Bangor and that he won the fight that caused him to track down the Denbrough girl when she was walking out of Biology and ask her why she didn’t say what actually happened. “What would I gain from telling anyone what happened to you, it wasn’t my business to tell, I figured that people would ask anyway so why not say that you won in a fight instead.” After that Rhiannon spent more time with Henry outside of school and eventually their relationship just became one of convenience. Now Rhiannon just felt like she was stuck in a situation that she couldn’t get out of anymore, they had been together for months now and she couldn’t imagine that Henry would be too kind if she were to end things. It hurt Rhiannon to go through the motions of the mess she got herself into, especially when she didn’t like Henry but was practically in love with the glasses wearing dumbass who was her twins best friend. The haze on her brain was starting to clear as she exhaled the only thing keeping her sane at that moment and passed the drug to the boy behind her, capping the bottle in her lap before handing it back to the creepy Hockstetter boy and brushing off her jeans and announcing her departure. Without so much as a look from the four assholes who were still talking racist crap. Rhiannon was sure to give them the mental bird on her way.

The garage door was open when Rhiannon walked into the driveway, she watched her father storm out and into the house looking pissed and getting closer to the open door she could see Bill staring at the sewer diagram he had been building. “He didn’t listen did he?” she mumbled standing in the doorway. It was heartbreaking for Rhiannon to watch her brother obsess over finding their baby brother and part of her wanted to believe him, she wanted more than anything in the world for Georgie to be alive, just lost. Bill was silent but she could feel the hurt rolling off him as she joined him in helping to dismantle the structure of the Derry sewers. It was silent as the twins spent the rest of the evening at each others sides, this was normal for them as they had been inseparable since they were little but since loosing Georgie any moment that the two were home was spent practically joined at the hip, so much so that unless the duo slept beside each other at night (mostly in Bill’s room) they were plagued by nightmares. That night the twins were wrapped up in their blankets whispering to each other so as not to disturb the silent house, the moon streamed through the window when Bill asked his sister a question he had been thinking about all afternoon, “a-are you coming w-with us to t-the b-barrens tomorrow?” Rhiannon stared at the ceiling while weighing her options, she could spend the day bored as fuck with people she hates while pretending to be someone she is not or she could hang out with people she actually cared about.

She really should have taken into consideration how FUCKING BAD the barrens would smell. “Guys, this place is actually fucking disgusting.” Rhiannon echoed into the drainpipe where her brother and Richie stood laughing at Eddie making faces and yelling “I told you so!” at Richie who just winked at Rhiannon before backtracking and grabbing her hand to pull her into the water her twin was currently wading through looking for clues, “Come on doll, this cant smell as bad as Bowers’ unwashed ass crack.” he jabbed in his Irish Cop voice which pulled groans of annoyance out of the boys and a genuine laugh out of the brunette, “Very true Rich.” Walking on ahead she stood at Bill’s side watching the movement of the water while Bill swirled a stick through it, drowning out Richie and Eddie’s bickering when Bill’s stick catches on a white sneaker forcing everyone into silence.

At least it wasn’t Georgie’s shoe.

✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⁺‧͙⁺˚*•̩̩͙✩

#it chapter two #it richie #it chapter one #it #it 2017 #it chapter 2 #richiebeepbeeptozier #richie trashmouth #richie tozier x reader #eddie kaspbrak x reader #bill denbrough x reader x stan uris #stanley uris x reader #beverly marsh #beverley #ben hanscom

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antagonisms · 4 years

Text

a self-para, and parting gift, for my second-favourite korean

trigger warnings for: allusions to domestic and child abuse

general warnings for: evan being a dick

“This is her, right?”

Evan’s gaze flits to Connor’s phone screen. There’s a photo of a woman sitting cross legged on a piano stool, back turned against the keys.

“Yeah,” Evan tells him. “That’s my mom.”

“You look alike,” Connor says.

Evan laughs. “I know.” And it’s a nice thing, half the time, that he can look at the mirror and not see Rina’s husband instead. Lord knows he doesn’t want to be reminded of a pain that’s been buried. Still, there’s some pain seeing Rina’s face reflected, too — when the distance between past and present elongates, even the best memories turn bitter.

This is what they discovered about Rina Watanabe: She abandoned her ex-husband’s surname. She runs a semi-popular music store slash studio and still teaches basic piano to little kids. She abandoned the rolling mountains of Blackrock for the sepia-toned city of Cheyenne, Wyoming, which is apparently a real place that people live in and not just a state Eisenhower invented to add more stars to the flag. It’s also nine hours away from Montana by bus.

This is what Evan discovered about Connor Park: He cares enough to take him there.

He also knows Evan well enough to offer the window seat. Knows Evan well enough to inch away even if the seats are small and the bus is already pretty cramped. He knows Evan well enough not to say anything when Evan’s eyes, still lingering on his mother’s photo, turn downcast with the rest of his expression.

Of course, he reminds himself, Connor’s been through the same shit, so he has the decency not to pity him.

The rest of the bus ride is quiet. Behind the window, Wyoming’s rolling fields blur into long yellow lines. The mountains get smaller and bluer with distance. Connor’s listening to music on his phone. His fists are balled into his lap, and his expression is tight in a way that makes Evan suspect that he’s less focused on whatever he’s listening and more focused on a question running through his mind, like he wants to ask Evan something but doesn’t know where to start.

Evan realizes he wants to ask Connor things too. Wants to keep his mind away from his absent mother and the hole she left — wants to ask about the similar-shaped hole Connor might have, what’s the system like, do you remember your mom, how long have you and your brother been fighting, do you remember being a kid?

Instead he taps at his ear, gestures for Connor to pull an earphone out. When Connor does, Evan asks, “What are you listening to?”

Connor hands over the other earphone. “Do you wanna hear it?”

Evan takes it. It’s a Frank Ocean song, likely from Evan’s lost years, because it’s not anything he’s heard before. Still, the mellowness is familiar enough that a wave of wistfulness settles on his chest. There’s nothing out the window but vast space, so Evan looks at Connor, and right on that beat Frank Ocean croons, it’s quite alright to hate me now.

Maybe all Connor wants is for Evan to have the closure he and Noah never got. It’s too late to tell him that it’s not worth the effort — Evan’s not worth the effort — and what kind of person does this, anyway? What kind of person exhausts themselves to make sure another person doesn’t feel the pain that they’d felt? Evan furrows his brows. He imagines Connor, five years old, sat on a swing set waiting for a mother that wouldn’t come back. He imagines himself, twelve years old, staring at a window and waiting for a car that would never return.

The same story, different endings. Evan gets his heart broken and keeps the pieces to himself. Connor gets his heart broken and offers the pieces to other people. The comparison fucking stings. For a fleeting moment, he considers berating himself for being so goddamn selfish, but then he tells himself that, you know what, maybe it was neither of their fucking faults. There are versions of themselves that could have been kinder had they simply been afforded the privilege of being loved. A version of Evan where he isn’t too guarded. A version of Connor where he isn’t too insecure.

He imagines them then, as children, their hearts full and whole and unbroken. Evan’s much taller at six years old than Connor is at five, so when Connor sits at the swings his legs are still too short to kick himself up high enough. It’s the make-believe Evan that stands behind the swing, grabs it by the chains, and pulls. When he lets go, Connor soars.

Right on time, Frank Ocean sings, we’ll never be those kids again.

ii.

In the music store in Wyoming, there’s a small child. Her face looks like Evan’s. A near splitting image of his eight-year-old self. Evan watches her run up to the woman leaning by the cash register, gives her a kiss on the cheek and says, I’ll see you at home, Mom.

Then his eyes find the woman at the counter. Evan knows that posture. Relaxed shoulders, elbows propped on a surface behind her, back leaning, entirely graceless and casual. She waves goodbye to her child as her mouth splits into a smile, a fondness Evan doesn’t realize is familiar until his heart sinks to his chest.

Mom.

Evan takes a breath.

Connor faces him. Evan can feel the concern in his eyes even without looking. “You don’t have to do this now,” he says, and he’s right, because they’re both still exhausted from the bus ride. “There’s still time tomorrow.”

Evan shakes his head. “I’m good.”

Hands slide into his pockets. He doesn’t break his gaze from the woman, who has yet to notice him, too busy throwing her head back in laughter as she gets lost in her conversation with the man at the counter. She looks happy. Happier than she ever was at home. If any painful feeling arises from that, Evan keeps it buried.

He drags his feet toward her. His heart feels heavy. This is a bad idea, he thinks, but he doesn’t stop walking until Rina turns her head and stops at the sight of him.

Her eyes widen. Her mouth opens, then closed. She looks at him the same way most people in Blackrock do, at least after the lost years. Like the can’t tell if the man they’re looking at is anything more than a ghost.

Evan wills himself to smile at her. “Hey.”

She smiles back, startled and painfully forced. “Can I help you?”

“Mom.” His voice drifts with the softest sort of desperation. “It’s me.”

She blinks. Her gaze won’t meet his. There’s shame evident in her eyes — which, if he were crueler, might make him feel better about all this, but now all it does is stab a knifelike pain through his chest.

Her lips press into a thin line. If he remembers her correctly — and he probably doesn’t — it means she’s fumbling her mind for words. Her eyes finally meet his, and when her mouth opens, the words are slow to come out.

“Do you,” she asks, “want to talk outside?”

Now, it’s Evan’s turns to pause. “Sure.”

Connor’s standing by one of the drum sets, one finger tracing the circumference of a cymbal. He stops when he catches Evan’s gaze. Evan mouths, I’ll be right back and waits for Connor’s nod before following Rina out the door.

Outside, Rina fishes a pack of Marlboros from her pocket. She leans against the wall and plucks a light out of the box. Head turning to him, she says, “Do you smoke?”

Evan purses his lip. “Kind of.”

She hands him the cigarette in her hand and picks out another for herself. It’s silent, mostly, when she takes out her lighter and sets the tail end aflame. Evan doesn’t ask her to light his. It seems that she, too, forgets to offer.

She takes a drag. A long one. Only when she huffs the smoke out does she face him again. “You’ve grown.”

“I mean,” Evan says. “It’s been a while.”

Rina sighs. Evan can’t tell where the frustration is directed: herself, or him. Her brows crease and form a worry line. “I’m sorry — I just. I thought you were—”

Evan cuts her off. “I’m here now. The girl in the store earlier. Is she your—”

“She’s my daughter.” Even if guilt drips through her voice, the words are a gut punch.

He’s been playing the same made up story in his head since he was twelve. Sometimes she comes up in his dreams. It starts without awkwardness. They speak about everything and nothing until the conversation’s strong enough to carry the heavy shit — the questions he couldn’t ask and the answers she failed to give. At twenty-seven, his mind rewrites the story. First, she’ll asks, where have you been, and whatever flippant excuse he might give for his disappearance won’t matter, because she’ll throw her arms around him and say that she missed him, say that she’s sorry she ever left him behind.

But she doesn’t ask him where he’s been. She asks, “Why did you come here?”

And here’s where he starts to regret asking for a light. Grief wells at his chest, pushing his heart to his throat. I had some questions I wanted to ask you, he should say, but his impatience gets the best of him, pushing the words out too soon. “Did you—” And he shouldn’t do this, shouldn’t ask questions he doesn’t want to know the answers to. “When I disappeared, did you — did you look for me?”

Rina looks down.

She folds her arms. It makes her posture look more closed, like she’s putting space between them. “I tried. I tried very hard, for a year.” Rina wraps her arms tighter around herself. Her head hangs low. “I just — I had my obligations here, so I had to—”

“You gave up hope,” Evan says.

She tilts her head up slightly, to face him. There’s very little resentment in his eyes, but she still seems to shrink under his gaze. “But you’re alright now, aren’t you?”

It’s tempting to snort at that question. Six years, Evan things. Nobody had seen him for six years. “I’m getting by,” he says, voice flat. “Dad’s dead. You probably already knew, though.”

“I’m sorry,” she says.

The laugh he tears out of his throat is small and dark. “Come on. Don’t lie. We both wanted him gone.”

And maybe his expression’s gotten darker, because his mother’s shrinking deeper and deeper inside of herself. “It must have been hard, still.”

“It was harder when he was alive.” Evan steadies his voice. He knows he doesn’t need to say more than this. But the anger wrenches at his chest, and the bitterness leaks through his words. “You know, everything he did to you, he did to me.”

Her face is all heartbreak and shame. Not the strong-willed mother he once knew. Or maybe she was just louder in the house because she needed to be. He used to think neither of them gained anything from living in that shitty manor, but maybe, in the cruelest sense, it was a learning experience. Rina learned to fight back, and when she couldn’t, she learned to run. Evan learned to take a hit.

“I’m sorry.”

Evan scoffs. “I mean, it’s cool.” His voice is a calm and wretched sound. “Did you know bones get stronger after you break them? They have to adapt after the fracture. Become more resilient to stress. I think I feel invincible now. You can put me in Guinness records for world’s best pain tolerance.”

He imagines himself, on a swing set, waiting. Hang on. That’s not right. He imagines himself, at a piano, waiting. He imagines this small girl, at a piano, Rina holding her small hands, guiding her fingers along the keys. He imagines this girl, a bruise on her neck in the shape of a man’s hand. Wait. That isn’t right either.

He imagines himself, twelve years old, sitting shotgun at Rina’s car, watching Montana blur past them. Rina turns the radio up and tells him to sing with her, so he does; he sings and stares at the road ahead and smiles bright even if — or maybe because — he has no idea where they’re headed. He imagines a life where she saves him. He imagines a life where neither of them have to heal.

“I’d understand it,” she finally says. “If you hated me.”

Evan’s face falls. “I never hated you.” He drags a sigh out of his throat. “I just — I don’t know. I guess I just wished you loved me.”

iii.

He’s fine. It’s not a big deal. It’s not like he didn’t expect this. Did he get his hopes up a little? Maybe. But it’s not something he can’t survive. That’s what he’s good at, right? Surviving. He survived broken bones, a broken home, a broken life. He can survive a broken heart.

Connor shuts the door of the motel room and leans against the wall. Good. He knows when to keep his distance. But Connor opens his mouth, because of course he has to say something, and immediately, Evan thinks, this is going to get ugly.

“If you need me—”

Evan says, “I don’t need you.”

“—I’m here.”

This is going to get ugly.

“Thanks,” Evan says.

Connor looks so small like this. When Evan meets his eyes, Connor’s gaze flits away. Maybe that pisses him off. Things are fine, right? So Connor should be a better friend and act like things are fucking fine.

But maybe Evan wants Connor to open his mouth again, say something stupid, cross a line. Don’t take it personally. His anger’s just a ticking time bomb and it just so happens that Connor’s within the blast zone.

“It was hard too. When me and Noah found out that our—”

Evan laughs. “How’s that hard? It’s not like you actually knew her.”

“Our mom,” Connor continues, and Evan can tell that it’s getting harder for him to stop himself from getting angry. “She had a new family, too. I’m just trying to say that I get it.”

Evan’s mouth splits into a wry smile. “Projecting. That’s always fun, isn’t it?”

“Evan,” Connor warns.

“Maybe that’s why you brought me here. Couldn’t fix your fucked family relationships, so maybe fixing mine’s enough of a compensation.” Evan puts a hand on his chest. “Your thoughtfulness knows no bounds. Thank you, Connor.”

Connor narrows his eyes. There’s a flicker of something dangerous in his gaze. “You asked me to take you here.”

“I said thank you, didn’t I? I think it’s real nice of you to keep putting in so much effort as if it’s ever done anyone any good.” Evan’s mouth curls into a sneer. “Persistence. I like that in a man.”

Connor frowns. “I’m gonna take a smoke outside. Don’t talk to me until you’re done throwing a tantrum.”

“Oh, nice.” A wry laugh leaves Evan’s lips. “Connor Park’s walking away from someone. Isn’t it usually the other way around?”

That gets Connor to flinch.

His eyes meet Evan’s. “Look, I get that you’re hurting, but don’t you dare take it out on me.” A sigh leaves his throat, frustrated. “All I fucking wanted was to do something nice for you.”

“I’m not,” Evan strains to say, “hurting.”

“Like I said.” Connor’s gaze doesn’t break from his. “I get it. I’ve been there.”

“You really think we’re the same, huh?” Evan folds his arms. Under Connor’s stare, his body feels very close to shattering. Still, he keeps his voice tight. “You don’t know me. You don’t know half of what I’ve been through.”

“Can you stop acting like you’re the only person who’s gone through shit?” Connor snaps, with a fire that almost gets Evan to smile. “Look, fine. I don’t know what happened to you. But I know—”

“What do you know?”

“—that you like to lash out when you’re upset.”

“Go on,” Evan says, sharp and venomous. “I’d like to know more.”

There’s a glint of cautiousness in Connor’s eyes. For a fleeting second, Evan expects silence, suspects that Connor is afraid of saying the wrong thing, as he always is. Connor opens his mouth anyway. “You’re pushing me away so you can prove that I don’t really understand you. Because you don’t want to be helped. Because you want to hurt yourself. Or Because—”

Connor pauses. His eyes meet the ground. Evan’s voice goes tight. “Because what, Connor?”

A breath escapes him. Connor finally tears his gaze away. “You don’t want people taking care of you. Because then they’ll have the power to hurt you.”

Jesus. Connor Park is so fucking smart.

“Or maybe I just don’t want you taking care of me,” Evan snaps. “I’m starting to think that maybe you like that I’m damaged.”

“Why the fuck would I like that?”

Evan started this fight; he’s not about to lose it, not even when his legs feel weak and his heart wants to leap out of his throat. “Why else?” he asks, but it’s not really a question. “Can’t solve your own problems? Why not throw yourself into someone else’s. You think that if you save me you can save yourself from having a nonexistent sense of fucking self-esteem. But guess what? I’m not you fucking project, Connor. So stop trying to fix me because I’m not fucking broken.”

Connor’s face falls. He looks more hurt than angry. “I don’t,” he says, “think you’re broken.”

Evan knees collapse from underneath him.

His hands ball into fists at his lap. His eyes fall shut when he lowers his head, body keeling forward, mouth falling open as his heart dredges from his throat a scream that comes out soundless. His lip quivers. Small, unwanted dew drops form at the corners of his eyes and spill into the floor.

There are versions of themselves that could have been kinder to one another had their lives been kinder to them. “We deserved better,” he says, because it’s a lot easier to say than I’m sorry. It’s true, anyway. His mind runs through the same sentence, again and again and again — we deserved better. We deserved better. We deserved better.

Or maybe he’s very close to proving that he’s capable of being crueler than his past. It’s just Connor that deserves better. Deserves more than an absent mother the set of transient homes she’d doomed him to, deserves better than a friend who gives him a verbal beating for — what? Doing exactly what Evan asked?

Guilt, useless and cloying, floods at Evan’s chest, punishing him for wanting comfort. Evan’s never been good at asking for help. Connor’s never been good at giving it, or perhaps that’s because he gives too much — and Evan would like to ask, now, but what right does he have? An apology is owed and he’s too much of a coward to give it.

Connor still kneels down in front of him.

Evan holds his head up. Looks at Connor, watches as reluctance and concern flickers in the other’s eyes. Cautious as always. Evan loved and hated that about him. He moves closer, wraps his arms around Evan, pulls him close to his chest. Against his own self-scrutiny, Evan buries his face into the crook of Connor’s neck.

Evan’s shoulders drop down. His breathing remains shaky and jagged, but it slows as Connor’s arms fold around him. His grip tightens, but it doesn’t hurt. That’s funny.

“If you let me take care of you,” Connor says, “I promise — I am not going to hurt you.”

Evan’s voice goes very quiet. “Don’t let go, then,”

“Okay,” Connor tells him. “Okay.”

iv.

The bus ride back to Blackrock is mostly quiet. It’s a night ride though, so Evan’s exhausted, and not even Frank Ocean’s crooning can keep him awake. He drifts off, eyes fluttering drowsily when he turns to Connor, mouth falling open, as if to say something. To ask for something. No sound comes out, but still, Connor lifts a hand and guides Evan’s head down his shoulder. Something warm fills Evan’s chest. He’s not sure what to call the feeling, but it’s quite a special thing, when someone knows exactly what you need, and you don’t even have to ask. Evan’s head stays on Connor’s shoulder for the whole drive home.

#dw ive been given permission to use connor for this One thing #depression is depressing i can only write sad things #self para.#emotional beats? what are Thoooose

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stompsite · 6 years

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Can Violence Be Okay?

As some of you know, I’m basically gonna die real soon unless I can get heart surgery, but that’s expensive. I make money by writing essays about games. If you like my work, please share it around, because personally, I’d like to keep on living. If you wanna support me, I’ve got patreon, ko-fi, and a critically acclaimed game out. I’m also looking for work as a designer or writer, so if you know of anything, let me know, please? I’ve worked on well over a dozen AAA and indie games doing everything from emergency script rewrites to helping devs improve their investment loops. I’ve put a lot of time into the 29 years of my life so far, and I’d like it to pay off, lol. But seriously, my mortality is distressing, so if you know how I can get my heart fixed and put a roof over my head, I want to hear from you!

Dishonored 2 is one of my favorite games. I’ve written about it at length before. I’ve talked about some of my problems with the game (doing the right thing in D2 feels like an easy choice compared to D1), but I mean, man, I still love it. When it first dropped, though? Man. I had A Problem with it.

Dishonored 2 was so good until I got to the end and got an ending that didn’t match up with my feeling of where I was at when playing the game. There I was, being the best Corvo I could be, running around trying to save my daughter Emily, realizing how bad things had got in Karnaca while I’d been away, and wanting to do my best to keep everyone safe and improve the empire.

At the end, the game told me that Corvo ruled the islands with an iron fist. What had happened? Why was it doing this to me? I didn’t ghost every level, but I certainly approached things non-lethally where I could.

Turns out that the game doesn’t like it when you kill monsters.

I mean, sure, if you kill, like, a rat, the game doesn’t seem to care, but if you kill a witch, the game gets mad. Apparently, the game considers witches to be people. I did not--I felt the game had led me to believe that witches weren’t actually people. So when I made the choice to kill them, the game saw it as Corvo choosing the path of violence… but that’s not the decision I made.

Let’s rewind a bit.

One of my favorite story archetypes is about people without power who, through cleverness, ingenuity, and grit, overcome those with power. It’s not just about being an underdog, it’s about being underestimated, devalued, even downright abused. It’s about the defiance that comes with that, and overcoming the expectations someone has.

I don’t know exactly why, but I’ve always liked these kinds of stories. It frustrated me to watch my wealthier peers pick on the poorer ones. It insulted me when I was essentially told “wow, it’s remarkable that you’re so intelligent for someone so poor” after I won a scholarship. I had to protect two disabled students from one of the richer students in school because he wanted something they had and they didn’t want to give it to him. I have watched people with power hurt and abuse those without. Heck, I’ve been at the mercy of people more powerful than me before. I don’t like that. When I can tell someone’s struggling with the power dynamics of a group, I do my best to help them feel more comfortable in that space.

One thing I liked about the first Dishonored game is that the Empress, Jessamine, is portrayed as a good person who wanted to do right by her people, but she was actively sabotaged, and eventually murdered, by the nobles whose power she threatened. That kind of story is alluring to me; getting justice for Jessamine and delivering Dunwall from the powerful, punching up like that… that’s awesome as heck.

It was kinda weird when Dishonored 2 shows up and indicates that maybe Dunwall didn’t actually improve that much after the nobility was killed off/not killed off (I was mostly nonlethal the first time). D2 never really confronts this head on, at least that I can recall. Instead, it feels like two different stories. There’s the personal story of “someone hurt your family and took your home and you should take it back,” and then there’s the idea of “you’re fighting for justice for people who are downtrodden by the people who took your home.”

These are both great, but after the fact, it did seem kinda strange that Corvo, literally the dad of the Emperor, as upper-class as you can get, is playing the part of the underdog (or Emily herself, who I haven’t played because I wanted to hear Stephen Russell’s voice again). Like, there’s this implication that he and Emily haven’t really fixed anything at all and maybe kinda betrayed Jessamine’s legacy with that? I dunno. It’s really the only criticism I have of Dishonored 2 anymore, and I mean, the game’s still a 10/10 for me. It’s one of the only games that can grab hold of my attention and actually distract me from the pain I’m in.

Arkane has done such an amazing job with their games; I get to be someone else for a while. I can block out the health problems for a while and just fall into another space and experience relief from my awful life. I will never be able to thank everyone there for making such pure and wonderful games.

So Dishonored 2 has this kinda odd relationship with privilege and power and how it contextualizes its protagonists, but then along came Death of the Outsider, which solved this problem by letting you play as Billie Lurk, who, for my money, is the best protagonist in Dishonored history. I love playing as Billie. I love that she’s not an upper class person, just a normal person with cool tools and powers.

Anywho, back to the violence.

So, one thing I love about Arkane games is that they have amazing gamefeel. It’s like saying a drink is smooth, right? Like, it just feels right. I’ve never played an Arkane game that felt bad (maybe Arx Fatalis does, but I’ve never played it!), and I feel like, with every successive release, they only get better at making great gamefeel. Buuuuuuttt… it feels like since Dishonored, every Arkane game is a test. You can’t just do what feels good; you’re taking a test.

When the witches came along, I’m not gonna lie, it felt good to let loose. They’re just as powerful as I am, so it’s not like it’s an uneven playing field.

But… that wasn’t my first reaction. I’d encountered the witches before in The Knife of Dunwall and The Witches of Brigmore, and they’re portrayed in those games as unequivocally bad. Still, for Dishonored 2, I was trying to play stealthy and nonlethally, so I decided to knock them out at first. When I found out I could take their powers in one mission, I decided to try that, and then figured that when Corvo stopped Delilah, he’d probably arrest them or something.

Then, an unfortunate bug occurred (kudos to Arkane for fixing it really quickly! I think they had it solved in a couple days or something amazing like that) where some of the witches were dying when I was trying to render them unconscious. I couldn’t get the nonlethal option to work.

But I wasn’t that concerned, because I felt the witches needed to be killed.

Why?

Because they’re horrible, and I think they seem closer to Vampires--supernatural monsters--than people.

I mean, listen to their dialogue. Look at what they do to the people they kill. They even backstab each other--one of their idle dialogues is about stealing from another. Another is about brushing her sister’s hair so she can gain trust and then stab her sister in the throat. The witches are hostile too--it’s not possible to approach them peacefully. They react to you like you’ve just invaded their vampiric crypt.

The mechanics don’t really leave room for interacting with them sympathetically; there’s no chance to talk to them, work with them, or anything. You can knock them unconscious, but it feels weird, even unconscionable to do that to people who are talking about stabbing each other in the throat.

I’m okay with knocking someone out when the heart says something like “He wasn't always like this. One of his works still hangs in a museum,” or “If he looks sad, it is because he mourns the child he lost,” but I had to look up a list of the heart’s lines about the witches because I couldn’t think of a time when the heart ever said anything good about a single one of the witches.

So, they have magical powers, want to do nothing but kill us, and they’re even happy to kill each other too. Read some of the notes--it’s indicated that they’re sadists. They take delight in killing anyone and everyone. The environmental storytelling seems to indicate the same thing; nothing good comes of a witch’s presence.

When I first did my quick gut-reaction post about Dishonored 2, I fumbled to articulate why Delilah bugged me. I felt like the game tried to excuse her at every turn. She had a bad life. She was a bastard child and treated poorly. Given my propensity for liking underdogs who were underestimated and mistreated, you might think I’d like her too. But I saw what she did. I saw what she’d chosen to become.

Many of the witches are contextualized in this way. I think the actual target of the museum mission--sorry, I’ve forgotten her name, it was 18 months ago--has this whole long backstory about being a rich lady who was going to get married off to a man she didn’t love who was kind of a shitty person anyways.

In reading all of the lines in the game that the heart has for witches, most of them are about enjoying drinking blood, murdering families, and abusing children. One woman struggles to remember the person she was before, but that reminds me more of a vampire’s thrall than anything else, and the game never does anything with that. No “please, I don’t want to do this,” or anything.

They became witches, and are now visiting a far greater violence upon the Empire. As one of my friends pointed out--and I’m inclined to agree--the Empire kind of deserves it, at least in Dishonored 2. It’s not a good society. I mean, it’s weirdly forward thinking in some ways, right? Like literally all of the romantic fiction I’ve encountered in the universe is LGBT stuff. But then in other ways it’s a mirror of the 19th Century British Empire, abusing people and nature in equal measure. Like I said, Jessamine seemed to be trying to fix those things, but she died, and Dishonored 2 indicates that Emily shirked her responsibilities to be a better Empress.

But.

I mean.

Literally all of the heart dialogue we have for them paints them as bad people. The nicest person we have is one who despairs because it’s easier to hurt people with each passing month.

One of my friends has argued that these were all women who were mistreated or whatever, but the heart doesn’t tell us about that. It isn’t saying “her husband used to beat her, so she relishes the power she has” or anything. None of these lines speak to a culture of misogynistic violence. Instead, we have a woman who “spent a month killing those who had slighted her.”

Slighted.

Not abused, beat, hurt. Slighted.

There is, as far as I’ve seen, precisely one person who was a victim: “Beaten and abused, she was barely sane when she heard the coven's call. Now she does the same to others, wielding her power like a barbed whip.”

I’ve been abused. It’s not something I like to talk about at length, but I was molested by an adult male (thankfully not my parents!) at the age of 11. I was abused by an ex who wanted to destroy me the way her mother had destroyed her, and those actions included gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and a ton of other things I don’t really want to talk about. I’ve been physically and emotionally abused for my genetic shortcomings.

I learned, a very long time ago, that almost all abuse comes from people who were abused. I’ve met people who are very angry, and I’ve heard people say “ah, well, it’s okay for them to lash out, because they were abused, so it’s only natural.” Heck, I’ve been one of the people who lashed out. It was only an emotional outburst, but it remains one of the worst things I’ve ever done. I will never stop regretting it.

I understand wanting justice. I understand wanting someone to hurt for what they did to you. I still have nightmares I don’t talk about. I’ve sat with friends who’ve had it so much worse than me and done everything in my power to give them what comfort I can.

But the witches are different. They chose power. And they chose vengeance. Should we justify that? Would I be justified if I started murdering everyone who looked or seemed like the people who had wronged me? Does anything excuse the murder of a bunch of academics in a Karnacan museum? The witches speak with sadistic dialogue. One of the notes left behind by someone trying to hide in the game’s final level makes it abundantly clear that their behaviors are monstrous.

So. Uh.

Look at Gary Oldman’s Dracula.

Dracula’s whole thing is actually super sad, right? Like, the love of his life died while he was out fighting bad dudes. She was tricked into committing suicide, so he renounces God and gets cursed into becoming a monster. His origins are tragic. It’s unfair what happened to him. But I mean, he still murders people and stuff. Dude’s gotta get stabbed in the heart. Sure, it’s cool that his wife got reincarnated as Mina Harker and all, but his whole kidnapping her and trying to turn her into one of his thralls is still bad.

The reason that killing Dracula is good is because Dracula has power and he is a monster. These witches have power and they are monsters. They hurt people--not just the ones who deserve it, but the ones who don’t. In the Brigmore witches, it sure as heck appears to be that they’re preying on the poor. It’s not like they’re out there fighting a revolutionary war against the nobility, and that their magical powers tip the scale. No, they’re killing everyone, even like… public works dudes. It’s an indiscriminate process. They’re killing people they don’t even know.

What makes them not monsters? They have power, and they use that power with cruelty. Dishonored’s world is not a good one to live in, but there is nothing the heart has for us that says that these women were victims. In many cases, they were perpetrators before they got their powers.

Corvo may be kind of a shitty ruler, by seeing a ton of problems during the time of Dishonored 1 and not addressing them leading up to Dishonored 2, but he’s one of the only people who can actually fight a witch; I think the only people actually capable of fighting them are the creepy religious zealots who enjoy torturing people for fun (why didn’t Corvo shut that down?).

So I was thinking about all of this when I killed the witches. They weren’t human anymore. They were indiscriminately murdering anyone who stopped them. Their leader, Delilah, had been portrayed in two stories already as a monster, and while her backstory was tragic, she took that tragedy and used it to excuse being a murderous monster, who ruined the lives of everyone she met, regardless of who they were.

I would have had a much harder time squaring off against a witch who was using her powers to put a stop to her abuser. Like, I, personally, would probably not hunt down the man who hurt me as a kid and put a sledgehammer through his brains, but I mean, in a game, if a witch went to murder a man who molested her, I definitely would be treating her like a person.

These witches, I felt, after listening to them talk, listening to the heart, and watching them act so casually around the bodies of the people they murdered, weren’t out for justice. They weren’t trying to fight back against an oppressive and cruel society. They were monsters. When a witch is wandering around talking about going for a swim later or wondering how the new girl’s doing, it might seem fine, but to be so casual as she walks past a pile of bodies… that’s monstrous. Murder is not a casual act.

Corvo (or Emily, if you played as her) is the only person who can stop the witches, even if you reject the Outsider’s gifts and play without any powers at all. They outclass everyone else, and they kill for the thrill. Someone has to stop them. It’s urgent.

A friend of mine got really upset with me for killing the witches. He said that these were women who’d been mistreated and society deserved to burn. But I mean… if you’re a random guy in a library, are you gonna be able to stop a squad of guards who throw innocent people in prison, kill people’s dogs for meat to sell, or murder innocent people? What about a groundskeeper? What can he do?

The game does not, as far as I can tell, back up the assertion that the witches were victims given power. There is no justice--they’re psychopaths who tortured children and animals, who murdered families, who relish in the carnage. The few women seen as good are losing those memories. Their existence as witches is a tragic one at best, and they’re so reminiscent of horror characters who lose themselves through possession or vampirism that I don’t know how to justify refusing to stop them.

A cop once told me about how he fought a man on PCP. The man had beaten his partner unconscious and was trying to choke him to death. Apparently this huge guy didn’t even feel their tazers and they weren’t supposed to shoot him. This cop ended up in a knock-down, drag out brawl with a man who wasn’t feeling any pain. He ended up bashing a pyrex bowl over the guy’s head so hard it shattered before backup arrived. He told me “if I could have shot him, I think I would have.”

To me, this brings up the question: is it possible to be violent in a game for a constructive purpose? There’s that old quote, misattributed to Orwell, that says something like “we sleep soundly in our beds at night because there are men who visit violence upon those who would do us harm.”

I must admit, I’d love future Dishonored games that involved dismantling the monarchy and trying to find a better, fairer government. I’d love to visit Pandyssia and dismantle traditional colonialist tropes. I’d like to grapple with questions about the ethics of violence, because that’s a subject that interests me on a personal level.

But I must admit, I was surprised when Dishonored 2 did everything to portray its witches as these inhuman, incredibly powerful beings, and then punished me for trying to protect the weak from their unbridled power. To me, my actions were heroic, because I was fighting a corrupted and almost unstoppable power in order protect the innocent. This is a game that let me save Aramis Stilton, a man who had fought for workers rights and was destroyed by the Duke for it.

(as an aside, I love Stilton; he grew up poor and earned his wealth honestly. He earned everything he had, so of course the nobility didn’t think he deserved it, because rich people think the only honest way to have money is to receive it from one’s parents. He never forgot where he came from and tried to do right by his workers, so the nobility destroyed him for it. Restoring his mind through time shenanigans is one of the most… most right things I have ever done in a game. I felt fortunate to be given that option)

I think, if the witches were human, if they were victims who deserved better, then the game should have supported that through its mechanics and narrative. But the heart--which, last I knew, told the truth--told me that they were monsters, and those that weren’t had lost their humanity and were on their way to becoming monsters.

I would love other ways to solve problems. When the heart tells me that this man beats his son so hard his bruises last a month, I want to put a stop to it. But what can I do? My only verbs are “knock out” or “murder.” Should I knock out a monster that rejoices in slaughter? Or should I put it down so that it won’t kill again?

Dishonored 2 is one of my favorite games of all time, but I felt that the ending only considered whether I had performed violence, not whether that violence needed to be performed. In my own life, I went through hell and chose not to come out of it a monster. I don’t know how to justify these women performing child abuse, animal abuse, and murder. Like vampires, they are monsters. No matter how tragic their origins, they prey on the weak and defenseless. I don’t like violence, but I think maybe there are times when it’s an unfortunate requirement. They might have been powerless at one point, but in the game, their actions showed they did nothing but punch down. Personally, I think we should punch up or not at all.

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electraposts · 7 years

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AIC 27 preview

NOTE

The next chapter is finished, but I’m putting just the first section up for you to check out while I send it out for revisions.

I’m going to be trying something new soon- I’m going to put up a patreon page. In the near future, I will go live. I’m going to use it for showing previews of Aiko in Canon just like this, original writing, videos and live chats with patrons.

But I’m actually about to start a big project. I’m going to rewrite Vapors and Clarity. I think that I became a much better writer over the course of the story and so I definitely do not regret what I currently have posed. I will be leaving it up. But I want to do better- the emotional arc of the story, pacing, and consistencies are some of my big goals for improvement.

If you’re interested in any of that, and especially if you have ideas about what you’d like to see from my patreon, keep an eye out.

AIC 27 preview section

Sasuke rushed the bastard. Kakashi-sensei yelled out, but whatever he said was lost in the blood pounding in Naruto's ears.

“I said run!”

Oh, that was what it was. “No chance.” Naruto bit out, fumbling to pull out a kunai and run to help Sasuke. He moved-

“Sasuke!” He heard Sakura shout it with him.

Sasuke fell forward.

Naruto's vision froze. That didn't make sense. Did Sasuke stumble? One second he was running and then he tripped down and didn't move.

The dark-haired jerk stepped forward so that his sandal was at Sasuke's head. He looked down. He didn't even look like he cared.

“Get up, bastard!” Naruto shouted, because what the hell was Sasuke doing at a time like this?

Shark face laughed and looked at Kakashi-sensei. Then his face changed. He was looking at something else.

Naruto followed his eyes- Sakura was trying to leave, like sensei said. And the sharkman wanted to stop her. Naruto moved to get in between them. Kakashi-sensei had the same thought, because Naruto blinked and he was looking at Kakashi-sensei's back.

Metal clashed- Kakashi's kunai sparked against the shark's enormous sword. Naruto dared a glance over at Sasuke. He still wasn't moving. What was wrong with him?

“Kakashi-san. It has been a while.”

There was something about that guy's voice that was beyond creepy. Sharkman had stopped when his partner spoke. He took a step back, hefting his sword over his shoulder.

Kakashi-sensei wasn't looking at the sharkman, even though he was only less than a meter away. He didn't say anything and Naruto couldn't see his face, but something was very wrong.

The absolute bastard stepped over Sasuke on his way to Kakashi. “If you wouldn't mind, Kisame-san.”

Naruto bolted past the bastard to Sasuke. No one stopped him so he dropped to his knees and shook his teammate. Sasuke's head sort of rolled on the dirt. It was so wrong that Naruto snatched his hand back. “What the hell did you do to him?”

No one answered him.

“Let me go! Stop, stop!”

Naruto looked up in time to see that the sharkman was walking towards them slowly, holding Sakura up around his head with one hand around her wrist. She was struggling and beating at his right hand and head with the arm she had free, but it didn't seem to register.

Kakashi-sensei's knees buckled. He fell to the grass as limply as Sasuke had. His face stared up blankly.

“No!” Sakura made a horrible sound that hurt to hear. She struggled even harder- and there was a really weird wet popping sound. She screamed and curled her legs up, clutching at her shoulder with her free hand.

Naruto got back up to his feet and stood between the intruders and his unconscious teammate. “Let her go!” The kunai shook, just a little.

For the first time, the assholes looked at him. The sharkman smiled at him with way more teeth than should fit in a mouth.

“Look at that, Itachi-san. Convenient, don't you think?” He hefted Sakura a little higher. She made a high sound that boiled Naruto's blood.

“Yes.” The one who must be Itachi had a voice that lower than he should. Naruto tried not to shiver. There was something really wrong with him. “I'm afraid that you will have to come with us.”

“Why the hell would I do that?” Naruto spat. His hand was so tight around a kunai that it was cramping.

The sharkman grabbed Sakura's shoulder and oriented her body front. Itachi seemed to see it as a cue because he glanced at her and she went as still as Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei. Her hand dropped, her legs straightened.

“Because it will be easier for us to pass Konoha's security with a hostage.”

Sharkman tossed Sakura over his shoulder.

Itachi's voice was infuriatingly calm. “You should come with us. Someone will have to return your teammate here to Konoha, once we are done.”

Naruto really, really tried to see another option. “You'll let us both go?” he asked, as hard as he could. Kakashi-sensei really wasn't moving. Was he dead? Sensei and Sasuke and Sakura had all gone down just like that and Naruto didn't even know what Itachi had done. “What if you decide to keep us? Or kill us?”

Sharkman gave a mean, ugly laugh. “Don't think too highly of yourself.”

“Of course.” Itachi said it so matter of factly. “You can be of use to us for a time. With a hostage, we will not have to engage in combat with any other unfortunates.” His eyes strayed to Sasuke. “But you are only genin. We would gain nothing from killing one such as you. After you help us, you may go free.”

He felt sick. It was all so wrong. Was he really going to go with them? The fight had been so fast and so quiet- maybe it would be better to scream. If he yelled even once someone might notice before Itachi could shut him up.

But probably not. And if someone came, then they wouldn't need a hostage. Maybe they'd just kill Sakura.

Naruto swallowed. “Okay.”

He felt like the lowest of the low. But he followed. The really creepy guy, Itachi, led them through the brush of the training field and kicked aside nothing at all to reveal a hole with a metal ladder.

Naruto had no idea at all what was going on.

The shark guy went first, Sakura still and small over his shoulder. The creep came last and having that guy behind him in the dark made Naruto want to scream. It felt like forever. His eyesight gradually adjusted to the darkness. The passage was only about a meter across. Sometimes there was another hallway, but they weren't all the same size. Some were smaller. Itachi quietly called out directions... He was the one who knew this place.

His forehead protector.... He'd been a Konoha shinobi, hadn't he? The line meant that he was a deserter. He had belonged to Konoha, and that was why he knew the way around.

Naruto felt so angry he might be sick. How could that utter bastard do this? How could a person betray his friends and attack people he should protect?

It got worse once they went back above ground because then they were running. Naruto was gasping to keep up. Once he began to fall behind but Itachi and Kisame didn't even seem to notice. They definitely didn't slow down.

Of course not! They only needed one hostage. And they didn't really care if someone was there to help Sakura when she woke up wherever the bastards would leave her. He needed to keep up. He couldn't let her down again.

The nightmare went on for hours. Naruto ran harder and longer than he knew he could. They never went to the road team 7 had taken when they had gone to Wave Country. The whole time they were running in the trees, up high and if he messed up he could fall and lose them and Sakura would be alone-

They stopped, and then dropped down to the ground. Naruto copied quickly and his knees burned from the force of landing. Itachi gave Naruto a quick, dismissive glance. “Five minutes.” Naruto wanted to punch him.

“Is it that time already?” Kisame let Sakura hit the grass.

“Watch it!” Naruto yelled. No one looked at him. Not even when he went to check on Sakura and see if she might be waking up.

Itachi made a series of hand seals and then held his right hand in front of his face. He touched a ring he was wearing. Something really weird was happening.

Naruto leaned in to watch, fascinated despite himself.

A sheet of light rose up. It looked like the static on a tv, except there were a lot more colors.

“Leader-sama.”

The light grew a dark center. The darkness turned into a human shape. A guy, with spiky hair.

Itachi seemed to have been expecting that. “We have left Konohagakure and passed most of the internal security. There ought to be no trouble until the border.”

“Acceptable.” The figure wavered. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

Kisame glanced at Naruto.

'If I could figure out what they wanted, the old man will want to know.”

“One of two objectives has been fulfilled,” Itachi said.

That wasn't very helpful.

The stranger's voice sharpened. “Are you alone?”

“No.”

There was a moment of quiet. “Very well.” The figure seemed to nod. “Acceptable. I look forward to your return.”

They ran again after that. Naruto had no idea how long it was. His legs went through the cycle of tiring, hurting, and feeling fine again three times. And then Itachi slowed down a step and made contact with Kisame. “Aa,” he said.

Kisame snorted. “I wondered if we would really be so lucky.” He jumped to a lower branch and then to the forest floor. Naruto copied, because Kisame was the one holding Sakura. He didn't see Itachi for a couple of seconds but then he was right there with them.

Kisame and Itachi were both looking the same way, so Naruto did too. He didn't blink. But he still didn't see the other shinobi show up. One moment there was no one. The next, four people were outlined in the shadows.

One of them, he knew.

Kisame made a surprised sound. “Only one Konoha nin? And one without a hitai-ite.”

“And two from Kiri.” Itachi sounded bored. “Friends of yours, Kisame-san?”

“Can't say I know them. Peculiar.” Kisame sounded like he was smiling. “This is interesting, isn't it? Did you know we were here?”

“Put down the kids and I might not kill you.”

Aiko-san's voice was so cold. He was so glad to see her. She was making some handsigns he couldn't see.

Kisame laughed. “That's not very friendly, now is it?” He cocked his head. “I remember you. You're good at taxes, but mean. Not sugar-sweet enough to be from Konoha. You're with Kiri.”

Aiko-san turned her face away from Kisame, to narrow in on Itachi.

“Don't look at him!” Naruto heard himself shout. “He looked at Kakashi-sensei!”

It didn't exactly make sense and it was too late. She was looking right at him, Naruto could see it, and she was going to fall down just like sensei and Sasuke and how could anyone fight someone who could just look at you and-

There was a horrible, high pitched sound that hurt his ears. Blood was in the air. And Aiko's fist was sticking out the back of Itachi's chest, along with a shining mass of what looked like glass needles.

#preview #writing #aic

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