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jenniferstolzer · 7 years

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Time to begin a long overdue education

I have never seen Buffy before. I traded @bewareoftrees ... I would watch all of Buffy and she would watch all of Babylon 5. So here I am!

I won’t liveblog summaries, but I will give jokes and guesses and observations so if you want to come along (or not) the tag is going to be #jen watches.

ep1 Welcome to Hellmouth

I like that this is picking up where the movie left off, although I believe these people are 16 like I believe this “authentic teenage slang speech.” Ah the late 90s...

Tony Head! My bro! My favorite Night Surgeon. I was biased from the start but I’m gonna guess he will PROBABLY by my favorite character. This will be cemented if he ends up knocked out at any point.

I do come with some knowledge of this show, unfortunately as much as I like Willow already, I’m gonna brace myself for impact. Joss has slain my heart before.

David Boreanaz is still hot but I’m sorry dude, you are way too puppy dog to be menacing and your dialog is atrocious. All the vampire dialog is atrocious. I’m gonna believe this is b/c it set a standard. Can’t forget this show is a milestone for modern fiction writers.

oh crap this dvd is old enough yo have to pick episodes individually. The past sucks.

2, The Harvest

Angel starts what I’m gonna guess is an illustrious career as a sad, cryptic puppy.

Was 90s fashion ever attractive?

Holy crap the show just used the “jumpscare” sound from Illbleed and everywhere else. I’m recognizing all these sound effects. Someone bought the classic horror kit I think.

a dudebro who can’t close his mouth swings in from the side in computer lab and I laugh and laugh.

I didn’t see Jesse becoming a vampire coming, perhaps I should be paying closer attention. He of course gets super sexual assaulty when he’s a vampire and Cordelia is totally into unhealthy relationships so she’ll let him touch her hips and inhale hissing breaths in her ear. No problem.

“Bring me the first” says Luke. //other vampires bring out an innocent black man. Me: uncool.

“Jesse is dead. You have to remember, when you see him you are not looking at your friend, you’re looking at the thing that killed him.” - Giles

Willow saved him from a vampire! These two are the best. Tag team it awkward booknerds.

The Vampire growl sounds like they’re burping really loud. Glad to know the evil vampires are still stupid enough to get faked out.

3 Witch

Giles is so offended that Buffy wants to be a cheerleader. How is it that he is more accurate to me in highschool than anyone else. Good news... as a grownup I’m totally on Buffy’s side. Let her cheer. She’ll be a smash at the gymnastics.

AND we begin with body shaming. Cordelia is talking to Willow now which is weird. And Willow herself I think either got skinnier between episodes or they were dressing her in liek 10 layers of clothes in the two opening eps. Then this other girl comes in and Willow is like “You lost a lot of weight” and the first girl is like “Had to.” Ugh. How about I just grate my spare tire off with an industrial file.

Hooray for Buffy putting out the fire and saving the girl :) Doing something is so against the teen girl stereotype.

Amy just exposition barfed all over Buffy about the huge crush she has on her own mom. I’m glad they’re highlighting this body weight thing as an unnatural fixation but that’s just for the crazy witch mom, not for the universe which is who is usually concerned with how girls look in cheerleading costumes. (forgive me, I have a stink about body standards)

“It’s so cool! You’re like a guy! My guy friend who knows about girls stuff!”

I like barbies as voodoo dolls. And I love the twist that Amy is super totally evil.

Ah! Xanders “you’re a guy” got turned around on him. Hurray!

OMG BODY SWAP! It’s the worst Freaky Friday but I approve of them surprising me with it. Great job Buffy!

You punched Willow out you bitch! Oh and Xander too but You PUNCHED her OUT. She’s so evil! OH CRAP NOW SHE HAS AN AXE!

So cute shy Giles so embarrassed about his first spell casting. Then Willow runs in with a bat. Yeah, I’m going to like this show I think.

and ep ends with psychological horror

4, Teacher’s Pet

Xander is struggling with his toxic masculinity standards. Apparently how many times he’s scored is up for debate so he has to go pretend to threeway to regain status in his alpha male society. Gag.

Meanwhile Angel is over here being perfect boyfriend material, super hot, wearing a white tank with blood all over his arms. He gives her his coat. Gag again! Lol. We’re hitting a very wide gamut here.

Xander falls for a woman who looks weirdly like the mom from the last episode.

Blane just sexually harassed his substitute teacher. I’m convinced now that last ep was fatshame episode, this ep is sexual aggression the episode.

“I’m gonna carb up for my one on one with Ms French this afternoon.” Ick gross much?

Evil sexy woman ate Dr. Gregory’s head b/c she’s a preying mantis. Being sexually attractive is a weapon women possess against men so desperate to fork a fertile woman that one of the characters is literally called the “fork guy” in this episode.

Someone give an emmy to the random bum.

Giles is not immune to sexy substitute, but he’s got enough sense to appreciate without turning into a blithering idiot.

Oh wait, Cordelia is still here for the body image hangups I see.

By the way, all this crit about alpha male/ femme fatale nonsense is not a crit on these characters, it’s a writing hangup. Plots, tropes, and cliches are those things b/c they’re over used and this is the late 90s after all.

“I understand, I met someone and you’re jealous.” Xander is projecting so hard as he’s on his way to fork his teacher, just saying.

Even if she wasn’t a praying mantis this woman needs to be arrested. She’s sexually harassing the hell out of this 16 year old boy as he stumbles all over himself trying to prove his societal preconception of masculinity. He was a half second away from doing the right thing and saying no to the hot woman b/c it’s bad touch 101 but then he got drugged and passed out. Close but no cigar, X.

Willow has had a crush on him this whole time. It wasn’t subtle at all.

I’m glad that Blaine is rightfully horrified by the concept of being raped and murdered. That’s the correct response. Write men who can think with more than their dicks. Men are well-rounded people too.

Mantis affects are “awesome” lol. Looks like someone I know.

(apparently it’s more than just a joke. That’s the same costume used for both shows. I snarked about it looking like Na’Grath and it actually IS Na’Grath. And the actress was in B5 as well... omg the blending of universes is starting. @bewareoftrees did I give you Babylon 5 or did you give ME Babylon 5? HAAAAH)

Willow talks about how nice it is that the boys are being conscious with their bodies and continue to proves that she’s the best. Also Dr. Gregory was a virgin I guess. Thank you, show, for not making a joke out of that.

Disk 1 Summary

It’s a fun show. It’s got some kinks to work out still but I can def see the promise. Will def keep watching.

#buffy the vampire slayer #jen watches #ep summaries #long post

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semenguine · 5 years

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hey fuck you gary this memory isn’t yours and u cannot have it

we’re all in the bathroom, climbing out of our elegant, layered outfits, unclasping necklaces, peeling off sheer tights, zipping down dresses, and slinking into sexy little costumes, one-piece, two-piece things. sheer bits and windows and lace. collars and fishnets, cute little pompommed heels. i take my blush and my makeup brush and fluff a pretty little drunk flush onto my face.

someone helps me with the laces of my corset. it somehow gives my teeny titties some cleavage. i slip into my other pair of heels, and put on my small fake angel’s wings and a snowy white velvet choker to go with my velvet heels.

i look at sam and her beautiful violet lids and her high updo. her nails are stiletto and a sheer baby pink and bejewelled. she was the first to notice my nails, long and flashy brilliant gold. samantha is the kind of person who would have confused the hell out of younger me. she’d really get me spiralling into the do i want to be with her or be her? she touched my nails when she first saw them and went hmmmm. and then she winked at me and got me a drink ( margarita, virgin. )

anyway i go out and sit. there’s a lot to take in. i’m seeing sexy cops, sexy sailors, sexy werewolves, shirtless butches, toned abs, very tight-crotched pants. i make some sort of stupid lustful sound and melanie giggles at me. i clasp my hands and cross my legs and try to remain relatively virtuous. this gets a little more difficult when i look up and catch eden’s eye at some point. she’s shirtless and she’s actually gone and oiled herself up. her muscles are all shiny and just .. hot. she’s wearing very tight leather shorts. i can see her ass and the muscles in her legs and she’s packing something substantial. her devil horn headband somehow makes her hair look all windblown and sexy. i bite my lip. we check each other out for a bit, and then she turns back to her friends.

this is a lot, i say. ain’t it just wonderful, sam says. i want those baby butches to come over here, izzy says. so look sexy, ladies. we all assume attractive and bored positions until they wander over. they flirt with us, albeit a little clumsily. we like the attention. then i see eden start to come over, and she’s puffing out her chest. uh oh, i mumble.

hey, what’s the big idea? that’s my femme, you don’t see the ring on her finger? eden postures and preens. she’s probably been waiting a long time to do this. she’s kinda drunk. her voice has got a little swing to it. really.. i start. the baby butch talking to me looks intimidated even though eden is short and drunk and dressed like a male stripper. i don’t have to say anything more, because rue says, oh, ignore her, everyone’s a little hot under the collar for sierra and eden never shares. there are a few incited howls of agreement at this. it’s alright kid, she says, clapping her on the back a few times.

damn right i never share, eden crows. that’s my femme. hey, terrance pipes up. look at sierra’s claws. eden doesn’t take it up the ass anymore! they erupt with noise and applause and laughter. eden yells SHUT UP MOTHERFUCKERS and stands there looking like she would like to fight but can’t properly pick out who she should be fighting. hey! she says, squaring in on jess, who is the cutest drunk i’ve ever seen in my life. you! motherfucker!

oh my god, lauren says. we watch. eden playfully wrestles jess. her muscles ripple as they tussle. honk honk, bastard, jess says. she squeezes eden’s nipple. WH, eden’s eyes widen a comical amount, her hands fly up to cover her pects. that hurt! she squeals. jess mimics her squeal. eden tackles her. it’s more of a hug. hi buddy! slurs jess.

there’s enough alcohol in all of ‘em combined to start a whole new bar, samantha jokes. i am going to say something, then, you look hot, sierra, bessie says. hey baby. she kisses sam, who looks pleased. the kiss turns kind of handsy, i look away and stare at eden intensely hoping she might turn around and give me a handsy kiss too. i’m beyond bothered, i’m making a big dumb mess of myself and the poor chair. people start to settle down. the baby butch has long since realized it was all a performative big deal and is looking at me. i smile at her, turn my head. stare at eden some more. she and jess are just hugging it out, i look away and rub my thighs together. you could tell me i was sitting in a puddle and i’d believe you.

i sigh and put my head down sleepily. i kind of drift off. i start having a truly filthy wet dream. hey, wake up, rue pats me on the back. i startle. what time is it? there’s fear in my voice. it’s only been about 5 minutes, rue says. oh, i am relieved. rue sizes me up. you look like you need some attention, she says. i feel my face grow warm. oh, eden wouldn’t, i start. eden, rue calls. mind if i take care of your girl for you?

wh, yeah, i mind, eden blurts out. sorry, sweetheart, rue pats my head. i put my head back down, disappointed. i think eden stares at me. mm, i guess. i change my mind. alright, eden says, thoughtfully. i look up a little. she’s looking at me. i wanna watch. whaaat? pussy, jess says. eden punches her in the arm. you sure? says rue. yeah i’m sure, eden says. wait, bessie says. wait.. wait! can i..? she looks at sam. sam shrugs. if eden sierra and rue say it’s fine, i don’t see why not. bessie looks at eden, who says, yeah, okay, and rue says ask sierra, and i nod, kind of embarrassed but also very excited. rue, bessie, jess, alex, max, jackie, and the baby butch that liked me so much, her name is sarah, eden says they can have their way with me so long as she is the last one to make me cum.

i feel a little self-conscious because people are quietish as they listen to us work out the details and i’m also not sure if they’re going to fuck me in front of everyone or where exactly we’ll go to do this. my god i’d die to be you right now, melanie whispers in my ear. i can’t even believe this is happening. rue scoops me up in her arms. i glance back at the chair. there is a visible moist patch on it. it’s made out of a plasticky like thing anyway. so i figure it will dry.

you sure about this? rue asks. i nod. you nervous? a little bit, i confess. she carries me into the bathroom. don’t be, she strokes the nape of my neck. we’ll take good care of you. won’t we? she raises her voice. there are murmurs of assent. i am ripe with anticipation. alright, rue says. one rule. think with your brains, not with your cocks. this includes listening to the lady and being respectful and mindful of each other.

i don’t have a brain, max jokes. leave then, says rue flatly. anything to add, eden? eden is silent for a moment, thinking. all her sweet spots are on top and at the back, she says. she hasn’t got any on the sides. i don’t know if i will ever stop flushing. it’s all about that curve, then, jess says. that stroke, sarah jokes shyly. jess whoops loudly to encourage her. that STROKE!

you think you’ll need lube, sweetheart? rue asks me nicely. she strokes my hand. no, i say honestly. she chuckles. alright, she says. she removes my wings and then starts to undo the laces of my corset. her hands are warm and soft and strong and tender against me all at once. i shiver with want. rue is decidedly our alpha butch. first of all, she started the whole gala. she blossomed in the early 80s, managed to hit the butch/femme scene at 14 or 15 or something like that even though we’d since been driven underground, got taught by butches from the 60s. she’s 46. and MILFy. and her commanding energy is effervescent. and she is undressing me.

everything is placed deliberately and carefully to the side. she puts a hand on my hip and tugs down my fishnets. she’s careful not to rip them. and then she peels my white thong off me and tugs it down. i can feel the cool wetness on my legs. my fishnets and thong stay bunched around my ankles. i am naked.

she beckons the others closer, they cluster around me, i kneel. they look at me with desire. eden watches. rue zips down her pants and the others follow suit. sarah looks nervous, i smile at her. the air is kind of cool, it teases me. i press my legs together and then spread them a little so somebody can take me from behind. you ready? rue asks. i nod.

this is the moment of the photograph: rue roughly grabbing a fistful of my hair and beginning to sharply pull my head down towards her cock, me with my panties down round my ankles, eyes half closed, mouth open, my limbs pulled defensively inwards, bessie, jackie, and sarah looking at me with hungry predatory animal eyes, jess, alex, and max roughly fighting for who gets to own me, eden’s uncaring reflection in the mirror.

but this is the moment: rue gently takes a fistful of my hair and guides my head down to where we both want it to be. i am chronically unable to suck dick with my mouth open so i’m already closing my eyes. i’m kinda cold, it’s a little chilly in the bathroom and we haven’t really got going yet so i pull myself inwards trying to keep warm. my friends are drunk and horny and excited. before any of them penetrate me they say is this okay? jess asks me if i’d like some water. you’re sure this is fine, you’re sure? alex frets and fusses. max tells me i’m pretty, and eden makes a sort of YOLO face moments before sitting down and slipping a hand into her pants.

male violence my ass. they are so careful with me. i tell them they can be rougher and they ask me if i’m sure a billion times. they are adorably tender with sarah, who is very shy, and a bit clumsy about the whole thing. and when i suck her off, i admittedly give her a little special treatment just because i want this to be memorable for her.

i’m leaking fluids down the inside of my left thigh and they wind up pooling beneath my left knee. at some point it all becomes an indistinguishable erotic circle of dicks. i hardly recognize whose is whose. i suck if it if it gets put in front of my face, and i don’t bother trying to recognize by the feel of the hand on my hip who’s behind me anymore. i actually don’t recognize my own moaning as mine for a little bit.

i am in heaven. but when my voice starts to rise in ecstasy, they all step back. i am cut short, i shuffle my legs, frustrated. then a familiar sensation, eden’s hands, steady and sure on both of my hips. hi angel, she whispers in my ear. her breath is very warm, i shudder and mewl and press into her. she pushes into me and i moan. yes, i gasp. yeah? she rubs and grips my ass slowly and tenderly, it feels so intimate. it both embarrasses and arouses me that the others are watching.

please eden please, i say, legs trembling. eden, eden. she thrusts once, deep and slow. is this what you want? she asks. i gush a little. adjust my legs, trying to feel it deeper. faster, i gasp. please. oh lord, jackie says breathlessly. oh hey, what’s this? eden brushes a finger over my swollen clit. hahhh, i jerk sharply. eden! she plays with my clit absently, i am so slick and wet she’s slipping and sliding. pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease i whimper. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease and then eden starts thrusting, rubbing my clit with a passion.

my voice rises, my legs shake violently, it’s like i’m singing. everything kinda buzzes and shakes. all across my vision field are splashes of bright, vivid colour. i crumple, someone catches me and holds me, someone’s stroking my hair, eden pulls out and someone starts fingering me slowly, easing me down from my climax. i’ve never orgasmed quite like that before. hey, rue kneels and rubs my shoulder. i make a weird noise. a sort of nyghah, she smiles at me. thank you, she says. oh man, yeah, thank you sierra, jess says, she’s the one holding me. thank you, sierra, whispers sarah, she’s the one who caught me. bessie rubs my thigh appreciatively, thanks sierra, she’s got her hand between my legs.

they all thank me. and even though i really cannot speak english at that point, i smile with an abstracted pleasure and i giggle. my vision still explodes with bright, beautiful colour for all the things i am feeling. bessie retracts her fingers after a few more moments. not worth it putting this back on, says rue, she takes my thong and puts it in my hand. i close my hand around it. alex helps rue pull my fishnets back up, max retrieves my corset and wings. rue laces my corset back up. jackie and eden are busy quietly tucking themselves back into their pants.

i’m still dribbling down my thighs. i cling to rue who’s lifted me up again. we all leave the bathroom. they’ve all got a little swagger in their step. eden wipes spit off my chin. rue puts me down in the chair i was sitting in before. they get a million questions, i get a million questions. but i can’t speak english so i just smile and giggle dumbly.

hm, samantha says in the same tone of voice that one would say tragic. they went and banged her brains out. i do regain my ability to talk after a bit of time, all i disclose is, it was magical, and i open my hand, still tightly closed before that, and show them my cumstained thong. melanie gasps, they lean in to see. meanwhile i can see max pantomiming some of the dirty details. rue sits looking pleased. jess is on eden’s lap and they are cuddling again.

the rest of the night is incredible. everything seems a little more golden, a little more wonderful when cast in the afterglow of the gangbang. i float home, an uneven, side to side, wobbly float. but it is something amazing and it’s mine. i get right in bed soon as i get home. eden strips and helps me out of my corset with some drunken effort and kisses me. you’re a dream shaped like a, like a star, she tells me drunkenly, before she goes to sleep. it is nonsensical but kind of sweet.

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