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cattles-bians · 3 years

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damie vibecca exes au part 21

post directory

em: viola and becs love their lil hikes

em: oh actually did we already designate hiking as a damie thing

em: hmm.

em: yknow what damie and vibecca can both enjoy their weekend hikes

em: they bring isabel and she’s RUNNING up the path and tires herself out in 10 minutes and rebecca and viola swap out piggybacking her

obsetress: yeah it tracks because they both like fitness and viola likes her walks

obsetress: plus viola's like "it's good for isabel"

em: vibecca power lesbians love the challenging trails and damie just enjoy the sights

obsetress: dani venting to jamie one night: they don't even LIKE hiking, but they still had to do the blackjack loop, and WE won't even do the blackjack loop,

em: dani and her fanny packs... every time she sees isabel on a trail she like

em: stuffs her pockets w granola akdhdkfhdj

em: drives viola NUTS she’s like we packed our Own snacks

obsetress: dani gets SO excited

---

obsetress: man i love these lil gay bitches

obsetress: no but um

obsetress: jamie gets in some fight w rebecca early on after they've reconnected

obsetress: prob about her dating vi tbh

obsetress: and jamie's so put off by the whole thing and is ranting to dani about it and dani's all like "you just need to have better boundaries, jamie, they're her choices, aren't they? not yours"

obsetress: and jamie just stares at her like.........................................

obsetress: "dani, you literally continued hooking up with viola for weeks after you broke up"

"oh, c'mon jamie, it wasn't weeks"

"no?"

"it was months"

em: dani shooting herself in the foot to like. correct jamie is so funny

em: not even ‘no that’s different’ or ‘no i’ve changed’ like ‘actually it was months’

obsetress: she says it w such a lil pleased smile on her face too

---

obsetress:

obsetress: like who the FUCk gave her the right???

obsetress: a whole babe

obsetress: she didn't need to smirk like this

em: god she’s so Hot

obsetress: just think about all the times she and viola get into the banter

obsetress: and this exact face

em: i know we veered dramatically into soft territory w exes au but vi extremely stubborn lloyd and rebecca lawyer do no harm take no shit jessel truly. have some spectacular arguments

obsetress: they have absolute blowouts

obsetress: and then blowouts after the blowouts iywkim

obsetress: like dani's do no harm take no shit but she and vi also enable the SHIT out of each other

em: like dani tried but dani wasnt like. fully baked yet

obsetress: yeah! and then when she finally does and breaks up with her, she's back in her bed a few weeks later

obsetress: rebecca is the first person to not take viola's shit and to tell her no and viola can't fucking stand it

em: jamies convinced it’s a ruse for more make up sex

obsetress: dani's like "no, babe, trust me, i know what that looks like and this––"

"wot"

"what?"

em: dani (hushed) no she’s regular mad this isn’t fun mad

em: jamie (hushed but incredulous) FUN MAD?!

obsetress: please tell me how dani explains fun mad

em: a lil eyebrow waggle and a wink but then i like

em: thought abt her going to lift jamie up on a bench ‘well she kinda’

---

obsetress: the way rebecca looks at peter when he is (seemingly) (unfortunately) good w the kids has me thinking about like

obsetress: rebecca seeing vi w isabel for the first time and just

em: turns out the evil landlord shes banging is also…… soft

obsetress: rebecca and jamie on the phone and rebecca's like "i know she's... a landlord and all, but you should've seen her with isabel"

"you've gotta be fucking kidding me, becs––"

"no, maybe you're too quick to write her off. maybe people can be more than one thing"

and jamie just groans

em: poor jamie and her class traitor ex gf

em: blows kiss to rebecca

---

em: dani: i gotta go to the bathroom i’ll be right back

em: jamie: ok love

em: dani; (elbows jamie) ive Gotta Go To The B

obsetress: screamed

obsetress: dani trips over her own feet as she gets up to go

obsetress: then i just start thinking about dani absolutely pouncing on jamie the second they get into the bathroom and then i just start thinking about. how often that happens

obsetress: bathrooms or closets or wherever else

em: dani has this 6th sense for places to sneak off to

obsetress: god she DOES

obsetress: she's so good at it

em: she enters a new building and is taking lil notes just in case

obsetress: meanwhile rebecca and viola exchanging a look while they wait, knowing EXACTLY where they're going

em: viola leaning in like how much time do we have and becs is like vi. where’s your decorum

em: then she looks down at her watch and lists it down to the second

obsetress: she pauses

obsetress: then

obsetress: "and another six minutes if––" and vi's like "she'll want to go again"

em: viola buffing her nails on her blazer: she’ll want to go again

obsetress: rebecca rolls her eyes but she's grinning

obsetress: "you're all too smug" "me? smug?" becs just shakes her head and tugs her in by the lapels of her blazer

em: damie coming back to a fairly chaste vibecca kiss: BLEH can you guys GET A ROOM

obsetress: rebecca's just verly placidly like

obsetress: "dani, your zipper is still down, by the way"

em: dani; thanks :)

---

em: dani clayton voice i’m braver and severely Weirder than ppl think

obsetress: she's a bit of a weirdo

em: see now i’m thinking about dani glancing away going dang i thought i was keeping it under wraps

obsetress: ngl i think about that a lot like

obsetress: she IS a weirdo but what does jamie know

obsetress: that she's like yeah she's a fucking weirdo

obsetress: like she's anxious and jumpy but jamie wouldn't call that weird

obsetress: what did she know and when did she know it

em: i’m thinking about jamie catching dani doing something like. idk eating a burger layer by layer or w a knife and fork and going

em: what a freak. i’m gonna marry her

em: dani tells jamie no this is a normal american thing and then when they go to vermont jamie realises no this absolutely is not

obsetress: she says something about it and dani doesn't even remember saying it in the first place

obsetress: "i didn't say that"

"you literally did say that"

"why would i say that"

(jamie taylor eyebrow raise) "you tell me"

(dani clayton flush and stutter) "i–– i..."

em: dani mumbles something like i didn’t think it’d pan out like this i just wanted the cool gardener to think i was. semi normal

em: jamie waggles her eyebrows like cool gardener???

obsetress: dani bumps her shoulder into jamie's "shut up"

"don't think i will, actually"

em: jamie starts to v seriously eat her burger layer by layer. danis like ‘ur taking the mick!’ and jamies like (sheepish) naw i just. wanted to see what it’s like

---

em: every so often they’ll run into someone who went to school w jamie or knew her as a youth and they’re like ‘wow you’ve mellowed out heaps’

em: therapy queen

em: theyre in a pub and someone’s like ‘as i live and breathe! jamie taylor! i heard you died! someone told me you were arrested for (crime that becomes bigger and more outlandish w every new person)’ and jamies like ‘aye’ and they’re like

em: all sharing a beer at a quaint little pub n this old acquaintance from before has these v chaotic stories and danis like

em: jamie? my jamie? u must be confused. jamie goes to bed at 9:30pm watching antiques roadshow

obsetress: jamie just grins a lil

em: danis like haha jamie wow ur so mysterious and (she is already casing the joint for places to sneak off too)

---

em: damvibecca sittin in a circle passing a joint around

em: a nice thought

obsetress: Wholesome

obsetress: dani falls asleep first, with her head in jamie's lap and they're all just kinda vibin and rebecca gets up to get her a blanket or smth and vi's just kinda like

obsetress: "you're really good for her, you know"

obsetress: all quiet and pensive

em: jamie takes a loooooonng pause and she’s like. i was sceptical but. you’re good for becs too

em: and then even quieter she’s like

em: thanks

em: the softest thank u from one jamie taylor

obsetress: rebecca gets back and looks back n forth between the two of them

"why are you two being weird"

"we're not–- what?"

"we're just sitting here, baby"

obsetress: rebecca narrows her eyes

---

obsetress: jamie likes vi for becs because vi reminds her to live a little

obsetress: and can also keep up with her temperament because holy shit did jamie hate all of becca's bougie shit

em: jamie absolutely has um

em: like a repairs pile that shes gonna get around to Some Day re fixin clothes etc and

em: as much as i love 'rebecca and jamie worlds most calm and collected no drama couple' im defs toying with like

em: their ONE Big fight is beccs throws out the repairs pile

obsetress: "i was gonna––"

"no you WEREN'T, jamie!"

em: jamies like i The Tool I Needed is outta stock i had to- and becs is like? what, like you couldnt make do?

em: and even then when the heat dies down its still v calm and civil but like

em: FINALLY a lil dramatic angle to jamie rebecca

em: dani loves the repairs pile bc she loves a project

obsetress: she's also very content to let jamie have her silly little thing

obsetress: because it doesn't bother her and jamie is very good at keeping it in her space

obsetress: rebecca asks her about it one day and dani's like "oh i'm just glad she has a hobby :)"

em: couple times jamie's like. shes been tryna repair this one chair for months and eventually shes like

em: (swings axe) winters coming

obsetress: dani just watches with the dopiest grin

obsetress: jamie's all wot

obsetress: and dani's like

obsetress: :) you're hot :)

em: danis like hey i know its a brisk autumn but um

em: if u wanna

em: mimes taking shirt off

obsetress: jamie does it

obsetress: jamie rolling her eyes as she unbuttons the top couple buttons then tugs her shirt over her head

obsetress: but she's grinning

obsetress: dani sneaking up behind her as she's sorting the wood and just leaning into her bare back

obsetress: jamie jumps "oi!" and dani grins and nuzzles between her shoulders

---

obsetress: been having so many becca feelings in our rewatch

em: oh gosh

em: i love her she truly is a tragic character

obsetress: same

obsetress: i just want her to live happily ever after in her lil power lesbian outfits with her lil power lesbian wife

obsetress: like she needs someone who can MATCH her

obsetress: her energy and her intensity and her passion

obsetress: and like she and jamie can push each other to be better but jamie’s just kinda like “lemme chill n do my gay little tasks” yknow

em: ya and like they Worked but they worked Much better as friends than anything romantic

em: jamies the lesbian best friend that’s like girl. stop settling for mediocre men with accents

obsetress: yeah!

em: jamie ‘how soon is too soon to ask out my good friend rebecca jessel after her v messy break up w peter quint’ taylor

em: and then rebecca ends up being the one like ‘have you ever thought about us?’ while jamies agonising over it like four months later

em: rebeccas a little go getter and jamie needs a little bit of a shove sometimes

obsetress: jamie, surrounded by three shovers,

obsetress: rebecca says it so casually over dinner like she’s talking about the weather and jamie’s like !?

obsetress: i can also see like

obsetress: rebecca says that bit about "have you ever thought about us" at dinner and jamie blanches and second guesses everything they do "is....... is this a date" becca just shrugs "do you want it to be?"

em: jamies motormouthing like ok but i cannot stress enough that i was comforting you about ur break up in a friend way no ulterior motives way i am ur friend first and foremost and rebecca just like

em: lets her get it out of her system

em: ‘well what about my ulterior motives’

obsetress: she WOULD

obsetress: "did you ever consider that maybe i had ulterior motives"

em: jamie: (pursing her lips, furrowing her brow that way she does) you had a messy break up with peter quint….. to seduce me.

em: rebecca: mmhmm

obsetress: jamie: me?

obsetress: rebecca: well, maybe a couple of reasons, but... yeah. you were up there

---

em: after i asked out [ex] i spent ages agonising over when it would be appropriate to kiss her (i know...) and then one night at a party she’s like ‘so why haven’t u kissed me yet?’ and i’m like are u fucken. mate it takes two to tango

obsetress: oh my god?

em: drawing from that

em: jamie thinks they’re taking it slow (but not that slow) and rebecca is like girl what

em: ‘i never took you for old fashioned’

‘wot, me?’

'mmhm’

‘old fashioned?!’

‘well, you haven’t kissed me yet-‘

‘you haven't kissed me! i figured you wanted to take it slow after p-‘ and then rebecca like full on dips jamie and kisses her

em: rebeccas like always wanted to do that at least once lol

em: jamie is speechless for a couple minutes

obsetress: rEBECCA

---

obsetress: thinking thoughts rebecca jamie same height but rebecca heels

obsetress: jamie looking up @ her all

obsetress: rebecca in her heels and is chilly and jamie getting up onto her tip toes to wrap her big coat around rebecca's shoulders

em: softtt

#the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au #featuring soft jambeccas...#one more!#when im done editing it!#would u believe we go on a lot of tangents also i edit a bunch of keysmashes out jshabfkas

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lovemesomerafael · 5 years

Text

Becoming Mike Chapter 3: Wherever Here Is

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Read it on AO3

Mike woke up the next morning and immediately regretted all the wine he’d drunk the night before. He knew what cured his hangovers, but it took all the mental toughness he had developed in the Special Forces to get himself out of bed and into running gear. He wanted to stay in bed and sleep for another five hours. Even more than that, he wanted to lay in bed and replay that kiss in his mind for another five hours. Instead, he dragged himself out of bed, popped a couple of aspirin with a glass of water, and hit the streets. Five miles later, he was a new man.

Physically, anyway. He still couldn’t get Sonny Carisi out of his head. In the shower, he imagined what might have happened if he hadn’t walked out the door when Sonny opened it; if he’d pushed it closed again and then been the one to back Sonny against the wall. It was different than what he’d imagined when he’d gone to bed the night before, but he came just as hard as he had then.

When the squad got a report of a missing teenage boy that day, Mike wasn’t surprised when Sonny volunteered to go with him to interview the principal of the kid’s high school. Mike had been looking for an opportunity to talk to Sonny alone, too.

They made awkward small talk for the first few blocks, but it was obvious what was on both their minds.

“So were you as hung over as I was this morning?” Mike asked, trying to sound casual as he approached the subject of the night before.

“I love red wine. I’m Italian, right? But drink more than one glass, and I always regret it. You don’t look like you’re hurtin’ too bad, though.”

“I took a run. It helps. You sweat out all the shit.”

“What, you wake up feelin’ like dog meat, and your first instinct is to run?”

“Hell, no,” Mike laughed. “It’s my last instinct, same as any normal person. But it works. Learned it in the military.”

“Well, no offense, but I’ll stick to my grandmother’s patented cure: Gatorade and toast.”

“Does it work?”

“Sure. I feel great.”

“I’ll have to try it. Hey, thanks again for listening to me whine. Appreciate it.”

“Sure.” Sonny squirmed a bit in his seat and looked out the passenger window. “So, ah… Are we OK?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’re good,” Mike answered quickly.

“’Cause I been tryin’ to wait for you,” Sonny continued. “But there you were, in my apartment, and you were hurting, and you just looked so good… I couldn’t help myself.”

It was very fortunate that they happened to be sitting at a red light at that moment, given Mike’s instant head swivel to look at Sonny incredulously. “You’ve been waiting for me?”

Sonny blushed slightly and looked down at his feet, shuffling them and squirming adorably. “Yeah, I mean… I thought you might be interested, and I’m definitely interested, but… I dunno.”

“You seemed pretty sure last night.”

“Yeah, well, I had a lot of wine last night,” Mike thought Sonny had never looked so cute as he did with a fierce blush and a shy smile.

The light turned green and Mike had to pay attention to driving again.

“Anyways,” Sonny stuttered, “I just wanted to, you know… apologize, or… explain… I mean, I know it’s different for you. You’re the one who’d be in trouble if we… you know, dated. And I don’t know how out you are. I just wanna be clear here, because I like you. I’m interested, and it seems like you are, too. But I get it if you want to just forget it happened.”

Mike sighed lightly, twisting his lips as he tried to figure out what to say. “I don’t wanna forget it happened, Carisi. Couldn’t if I tried. It was… I mean, yeah, I’m attracted to you and I… really wanted to kiss you.”

He stole a quick glance at Sonny, still wearing that little smile. “Seemed like it,” Sonny said.

“But there are a hundred reasons we can’t… I can’t. So, it can’t happen again, but I’m glad it happened once.”

They shared a nice moment, just smiling at each other.

“A hundred reasons? I can only think of one. Maybe two. What are the other ninety-eight?”

“Gimme a break, Carisi. Reasons one and two are plenty.”

“Yeah. Yeah, they are. But I think maybe…”

“What?”

“Nothin’. It’s none of my business. You’re gonna turn left at the next block.”

Mike wondered what Sonny had been about to say, but decided to leave well enough alone. He wished he felt more sure of the reasons he’d given Sonny for not pursuing a relationship. He wished he felt more sure that he was even capable of keeping a professional distance. It wasn’t the first time he’d had a thing for a coworker, but it had never even approached the level of distraction or temptation he was experiencing now. And he’d certainly been attracted to other men, but this, with Sonny, seemed all-consuming. Mike was starting to become concerned about what could happen, because he was starting to become a little afraid of what he wanted to happen. Where Sonny was concerned, everything seemed completely new. Unfamiliar. Exciting and terrifying in equal measure.

Trying to locate the missing teenager ended up involving quite a bit more travelling than any of the squad were used to. Between the trip to a ski lodge in Vermont and another to a cabin in Pennsylvania, Mike had way too much time to sit and think. About Sonny, especially. But also about SVU. Olivia Benson didn’t seem to be very good at having a Sergeant. Instead, she dismissed his ideas and attempts to take some of the work off her plate and made him, essentially, just another detective. Which was not what he was there for. That thought naturally led him to wonder what his father was going to have to say about that. Mike wasn’t looking forward to a lecture on taking more initiative. Sometimes he really wished Matthew was around to shoulder some of their father’s plans and expectations.

The team did find and rescue the teenage boy two days later, but not before the pedophile wrestling coach had drugged and assaulted him. Worse, the case took a dark and nasty turn when one of the perp’s former students, another of his victims, kidnapped and tortured a confession out of him. Worst of all, the torture had involved stabbing the coach, who died in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. Which meant that the pedophile’s abuse had shattered the kid’s life and driven him to commit a horrendous act in a desperate attempt to try to reclaim himself, but instead, he would now go to prison, possibly for the rest of his life. The rapist never faced justice, and the victim’s life was now over.

Sonny took it hard. Because of who he was, Sonny was especially sickened when trusted authority figures abused that trust to victimize helpless kids. He hated seeing this scumbag coach get off so easy, and was even more incensed that one of his victims was going to be charged with first-degree murder. Nothing he could say to ADA O’Dwyer made a dent. He raged, he urged, he argued and wheedled, reminding O’Dwyer over and over that, with all his experience with teenage offenders, he should have had more empathy with the guy. Instead, O’Dwyer simply repeated that it was up to the jury to decide his punishment. Sonny threw up his hands, sputtering in protest, almost too angry to be coherent.

Mike put an arm around him and led him away before he could get physical with O’Dwyer. That didn’t seem like something Sonny Carisi would do, but he was angrier than Dodds had ever seen him.

“Get him out of here,” Liv growled quietly to Mike. “Give him a beer, let him vent, but let’s not have him punching out an ADA.”

“Copy that, Lieu.”

Had Mike had time to think about it, he would have been very hesitant to go anywhere alone with Sonny, particularly to a bar. But he found himself outside the station five minutes later, hailing a cab with still-furious Sonny in tow. Mike told the cabbie to take them to Steve’s Place.

For a very long time, Mike just sat and listened to Sonny. Sometimes vitriolic rant, sometimes near-tearful, frustrated gripe, Sonny’s outcry of protest was eventually exhausted. He got up from the small, high table where he and Mike had been huddled together for over an hour and went to get their third beers. Mike watched him, relieved that Sonny seemed to have been able to release some of the bitter rage he’d come in with. He couldn’t help but notice how Sonny moved, how beautiful his hands were, how the slightest hint of silver had started to highlight his hair at the temples… He was really insanely good looking, Mike thought. No wonder he was helplessly obsessed.

Setting the beers on the table and climbing back into his chair, Sonny said, “I bet you’re tired of hearin’ me whine, huh?”

Mike extended the neck of his bottle toward Sonny, who clinked it with his. “You did it for me just a few days ago. You warned me it would be your turn next.”

Sonny grinned feebly. “Yeah. I guess. Let’s talk about somethin’ else. I thought I heard you tell Fin you play the guitar.”

Mike huffed a small laugh. “Something like that. I used to want to be Springsteen.”

“No kiddin’. You ever play in a band or anything?”

“Several.”

“No shit! I play a little, too, but my biggest gig was playing the teen Mass at church.”

Mike laughed, enjoying the idea of Sonny playing the guitar and singing church songs with a group of other kids. Sonny, however, was fascinated to learn about Mike’s high school garage band, and the groups he’d played with throughout his time in the military. He was entertained, but more intrigued, by the picture Mike painted of himself as a tortured artist during his Hell’s Kitchen days.

“So what made you give it up?”

“It got old. The squalor, the messed-up hours, the drugs… I just figured I was ready to grow up.”

“You did drugs?”

“Nah. Smoked a lot of weed, is all. But I saw a lot of it, and I got tired of being around junkies. Mostly, what made me give up that life was just, I kept hearing my father’s voice, telling me I was never gonna be a success in that world, and I could succeed in this one.”

“His world.”

Mike shrugged. “I guess so.”

“You think you gave up music for your dad?”

“I don’t know. He had a lot to do with it, I guess. But it was my choice, too. I was done being dirty and broke.”

“Huh.” Sonny said thoughtfully.

“What, ‘huh?’”

“Nothin’. Just… What’s it like working for your dad? Personally, I find him to be… a challenge. And it kinda seems like you do, too, if you don’t mind my sayin’ so. Plenty of jobs in the NYPD. Why wouldn’t you go someplace else?”

Mike sighed, thinking. “He’s got this five-year plan. That’s what he calls it, his ‘five-year plan’. SVU is part of that.”

“’He’s’ got a plan. What about ‘you’ got a plan?”

“Meaning?”

“I mean, that’s what he wants you to do. Is that what you want to do?”

“Well, sure.”

“’Well, sure’,” Sonny mimicked. “I’m not buyin’ it.”

“You think I secretly yearn to go back to a two-room dump with no windows in the back of a fifth-floor walk-up? Working behind a bar watching hookups and fights all night long?”

“I don’t know. And, to be honest, I get the feeling you don’t, either.”

“Fuck, Carisi. You got some balls callin’ me a daddy’s boy.” The words could have been harsh except that he was smiling as he said them.

“That’s not exactly what I’m sayin’,” Sonny said thoughtfully, studying Mike almost as he would a suspect. “You just seem kind of… obedient, is all. I’d like to hear you say ‘I want’ sometime, rather than ‘my father wants’. That’s all.”

“You want another beer?” Mike asked, giving his empty bottle a swing by the neck.

“Nah,” Sonny answered. “Let’s get outta here.”

Did he say that with an invitation in his voice? What was that look? Mike berated himself, again, for drinking around Sonny. He was hard enough to resist sober.

It was starting to feel familiar, walking through these streets together. Mike thought Sonny seemed to be walking a bit more slowly than usual, and consciously chose not to ask about it. If Sonny wanted to prolong the walk, Mike had no objections. Nothing bad could come of walking together. He just wished it didn’t feel so damn good. He wished they were going somewhere together, instead of just walking together to separate destinations. He didn’t notice when his mind began to wander forward, to what it might be like to be heading back to Sonny’s apartment, maybe to kiss again-

“Are you?” Sonny’s amused, insistent voice cut through his sultry daydream.

“Huh? Am I what?”

Sonny laughed. “I asked if you were paying any attention to me. I’m callin’ that a ‘no’. Where were you?”

They reached the corner where Mike would turn off to go to his apartment. “Nowhere,” he mumbled.

“You OK?” The teasing note left Sonny’s voice, to be replaced by a note of kind concern as they stopped walking and Sonny turned to Mike.

“Yeah, I was just… thinkin’.”

“About me?” Sonny asked. Mike would have expected a different expression on his face. Flirtatious, or mocking, or something. But Sonny’s eyes were serious, his features open and guileless. He was honestly and simply asking the question. It was disarming.

“Yeah,” Mike said softly, looking into Sonny’s eyes, dark blue here under the streetlight. “I was thinking it would be nice if we could be going somewhere together, instead of home alone.”

Sonny didn’t respond, or move, or change his expression. Which meant that it was Mike who put his arm around Sonny and his hand behind Sonny’s neck, pulling him into a kiss. Sonny hadn’t started it, but he responded with eager heat. He tasted like beer, and Sonny, and sex, and temptation. Mike could smell his body, warm from the walk, a deep, almost sweet scent that made Mike want to lick him, or chew him.

When they came up for air after several intimate, promising moments, Sonny murmured, “I think I just got my wish. I heard Mike Dodds say ‘I want’.”

“Believe me, I want. But this is dangerous for both of us,” Mike warned, going back to kissing him with growing passion.

“I know that,” Sonny responded, his answer in his kisses as much as his words. “And I’ll take my chances, if it means I can be with you. But it’s your decision. We both have to be willing to risk it.”

Eventually, Mike surrendered as he’d always known he would, taking Sonny’s hand and turning toward home, walking in silence. On the way, Mike put an arm around Sonny’s shoulders, holding him close and kissing him on the temple, just because he could. Sonny’s arm felt warm around Mike’s waist. Mike felt somehow as if he had missed having it there, although it had never been there before.

Mike’s entire awareness was so full of Sonny that he had no memory of the rest of the walk home, or of unlocking the door next to the dry cleaner’s and climbing the stairs to his apartment above it. He pulled Sonny into his arms as soon as the door to his apartment was unlocked, and this time he was the one who got to press against Sonny, holding him against the wall.

“Shit, Carisi, you have no idea how bad I want you,” Mike growled into Sonny’s neck, finding it frustrating that he couldn’t both unbutton his shirt and press against his chest at the same time.

Sonny was clearly having similar thoughts, because he reached up and pulled his tie off in one motion, helping Mike with the rest of his buttons so that he could yank his shirt and jacket off together, throwing them and forgetting about them before they hit the floor. Once they had struggled and grunted their way through removing Mike’s jacket and shirt, as well, their bare chests were enough skin contact for the moment. That allowed them to ravage eachother’s mouths and rub against one another, moaning hungrily without regard to what Mike’s neighbors might hear happening just inside the door.

Eventually, Mike ran his hands up Sonny’s chest, finally burying his fingers in that hair, and looked into his eyes, panting for air. The almost sweet smell of Sonny, combined with the hint of musk they were creating together, made Mikes’ head swim.

“Babe, we should… We shouldn’t…”

“I don’t want to hear ‘should’ from you right now,” Sonny rasped, his breath ragged. “Tell me what you want.”

“You know what I want.”

“Say it.”

“I want to fuck you. “

“Then take me to your bedroom and do it.”

Mike kissed Sonny deeply and thoroughly before taking his hand and leading him the few steps through his front room to his bedroom. They stood next to Mike’s bed, kissing and unhooking first each other’s belts, then hooks and zippers, until they could finally touch each other. With hands wrapped around each other’s cocks, they stroked one another until they were groaning with need. Sonny felt like perfection; long and rock-hard, but Mike wanted this first time to last. He consciously tried to slow things down, taking time to slide Sonny’s pants and boxers over his hips and let them fall down his legs. While Sonny toed off his shoes, Mike quickly stripped off the rest of his own clothes and shoes, then led Sonny onto the bed.

Lying next to each other made it easier to kiss and explore one another, and the short break to undress and get into bed had allowed them to slow their pace a bit. Mike found himself looking into Sonny’s beautiful blue eyes and stroking his chest, trying to restrain himself from focusing on his cock. He didn’t want this to be over too soon. He was overwhelmed with sensations. He was as aroused as he could ever remember being, but his desire to fuck Sonny was matched by an equal desire to touch him, to stroke him and taste him everywhere. He didn’t just want to fuck. He wanted to experience Sonny, to be fucking him. It was a totally new experience Mike had absolutely no idea how to approach.

“You are so fucking beautiful, Sonny. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”

Sonny smiled and pulled Mike to him in a hungry, invasive kiss, reaching down and taking Mike into his hand. Mike was spellbound by his caress, heedless of the sounds he was making, of the way he was saying Sonny’s name. He couldn’t stop himself – didn’t even try to stop himself – from rolling on top of Sonny, beginning a slow, deep grind that had them both gasping.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Sonny gasped. “I want you inside me. Will you…?”

Mike tore himself away to fumble in his nightstand for supplies, tossing them on the bed near Sonny’s hip and returning to kiss him hungrily, as though he’d been gone for hours. After re-establishing that Sonny was still there for him, still wanting this, he began to kiss his way down Sonny’s body, faster than was particularly romantic, and promising himself that he would take a long time to explore Sonny’s body with his mouth as soon as possible.

Sonny swore loudly when Mike took him into his mouth, eagerly tasting him by swirling his tongue around his cock while he took him as deeply as he could. Mike inhaled deeply the smell of Sonny there, in his most intimate place, dizzy with desire as he blindly coated his fingers with lube. He worshiped Sonny with his mouth while he rubbed the lube between his fingers, warming it up a bit before reaching to softly stroke Sonny’s hole. Again, Sonny almost shouted a curse word as Mike moved his fingers against him.

“Do it,” he hissed. “Fuck me…”

Mike tried to pay attention to Sonny as he slid a finger into him, wanting to be gentle, but Sonny was past that. He pushed down onto Mike, fucking himself on Mike’s finger already. Mike, balanced on one hand over Sonny’s hips as he finger-fucked him and sucked him, was near insane with need himself, especially watching Sonny’s writhing and hearing his cries. As Mike began to fuck him with two fingers, unconsciously murmuring his name, Sonny pulled at his shoulder, pulling Mike up toward him.

“I can’t- you gotta stop that – I don’t wanna come before you’re inside me…” Sonny’s speech was disjointed, his words crammed in between deep gasps of air and moans.

Mike obeyed, kissing and licking up Sonny’s chest as he slipped a third finger inside him, sliding them as far in as they would go and feeling Sonny pushing down to meet him. By the time he had kissed his way up to Sonny’s lips again, Sonny had reached over and torn open a condom. Mike removed his fingers from Sonny and lifted up so that Sonny could slip the condom over Mike’s cock. He could easily have come just from the feeling of Sonny’s hands on him, but gritted his teeth and managed to hold off, moving into position and pressing the head of his dick against Sonny’s pucker.

“You OK?” Mike grunted between breaths.

“Fuck, yeah. I just need you…”

Mike pushed into Sonny, feeling the initial resistance and tightness, but also feeling Sonny pushing toward him, urging him deeper. He whispered Sonny’s name yet again as he took his mouth, devouring his lips as he slid in and out, quickly beginning to speed up his thrusts. There was no way he was going to be able to do this for long, not with the gorgeous man beneath him stroking his tongue across Mike’s lips and making those unspeakably erotic sounds. When he felt Sonny take his dick into his hand and begin to stroke, Mike let himself go. He felt the first shocks of a volcanic explosion just as Sonny cried out and he felt the hot spurt of Sonny’s climax. Waves and waves of ecstasy washed over Mike as he continued to plunge himself into Sonny for as long as he could, unaware that he was groaning Sonny’s name over and over with each thrust.

Afterward, when they’d recovered enough to clean up and settle under the covers together, Mike found that he couldn’t hold Sonny close enough. He found himself kissing him wherever he could reach as Sonny lay with his face buried in Mike’s neck. Mike stroked Sonny’s hair, put a leg over Sonny’s and pulled his legs closer to entwine with his, and slid his hand up and down Sonny’s back, tired and sated for the moment but unable to stop… experiencing Sonny.

Another thing that had never happened to Mike before. He wanted to cry, and laugh, and kiss Sonny some more, and sing every sappy love ballad he’d ever heard. Love. Mike realized that this felt like the way the songs described love, although he’d never felt anything like this before. Was this love? Mike was mature enough to know that, lying entwined with a pretty man when his dick was still a little hard and the sweat hadn’t even dried wasn’t the time to decide he was in love. But he couldn’t deny that this was more than he had ever felt before. He fell asleep wondering what was happening to him.

He woke up with Sonny’s lips wrapped around his cock and his hands exploring Mike just as Mike had done to him the night before. Mike’s sleep- and hormone-addled mind wasn’t sure whether it was the best head he’d ever gotten or just the best wet dream he’d ever had. Whichever, it was glorious.

When he came down from his orgasm, he rolled Sonny onto his back and, taking time to kiss him tenderly, began to move down Sonny’s body, taking the time to do some of the tasting and exploring he’d promised himself the night before.

“You don’t have to-” Sonny murmured, his closed eyes and half-smile belying his words.

“Fuck, yes I do. Maybe you don’t need me to, but I need me to. I’ve been wanting to since the second I saw you. You say you want me to tell you what I want? I want to suck your pretty dick and make you come down my throat. That’s what I want.”

Conveniently, it was what Sonny wanted, too.

Although it was difficult to let Sonny out of his arms to go home and change for work, it gave Mike a chance to think. To process what had happened – was happening – with Sonny. Mike actually appreciated the normalcy of going to work and doing routine things that reminded him of who he was. Because he couldn’t shake the feeling that he wasn’t quite the same man he’d been when he’d left the squad room the day before. It wasn’t just that he’d slept with Sonny Carisi, and it wasn’t just that it had been spectacular. He’d slept with other people, had great sex with some of them, and it didn’t change who he was. But something had happened to him, and whatever it was, Sonny was responsible for it. If he’d been concerned before about what could happen, now he was truly afraid. He felt like he had when Sonny had kissed him. Entirely in Sonny’s control, and ecstatic to be there. He’d been willing to let Sonny make him do anything that night. But this was his life. What might Sonny be able to make him do to his life?

The fear didn’t stop Mike from taking Sonny back to his apartment after work. Although he didn’t usually bottom, something made him want to feel Sonny inside him this time, and Sonny was more than happy to switch places.

It became easier to ignore the fear every time he made love with Sonny, which was as often as they could manage it. They were never really tempted to try to steal some time together at work, but that had little to do with the absolute need to keep their relationship secret. It had much more to do with the need to keep their sex life entirely separate from the hideous crimes they investigated, to avoid any possibility of the ugliness they saw at SVU seeping into their own lives. From that first night together, whenever they were both off work at night, they were together at one or the other of their apartments. It didn’t make sorting out his feelings any easier for Mike but, somehow, when he was with Sonny, he felt less untethered and afraid of whatever this was. It was only when he was alone, or with his father, that Mike wondered how he was ever going to get back to normal. It was at one of those moments when he had the thought that maybe, if he and Sonny kept having sex as often as they were, at some point he would get Sonny out of his system, and he’d be himself again. He ignored the voice in the back of his mind saying that so far, the opposite seemed to be happening.

After Mike and Sonny had been lovers for about a month, they were lying in Sonny’s bed in the position they most often took after sex, with Sonny lying in Mike’s arms and their legs intertwined. They had been forehead-to-forehead, looking into one another’s eyes, murmuring silly, affectionate nothings to one another. Sonny was trying to figure out exactly what color Mike’s eyes were, and why he found them so hypnotic. Mike was simply being amused, watching the way Sonny’s mouth moved and just enjoying being close.

At some point, Sonny’s expression became more serious, and his voice became even softer than the quiet purr it had been. “Can I tell you something?”

“Babe, you can tell me anything,” Mike grinned lazily, kissing him.

Shallow frown lines appeared between Sonny’s eyes as he began. “You know, I wanted you from the minute I saw you, and I wanted not to like you. But you blew past that right away, and then we became friends. And then… this happened.”

He stopped, seeming more to be struggling to find words than to have said all he meant to say. Mike simply said, “And?”

“And now I just… Mike, I… I really like you. This is more than just sex for me. I don’t know what you’re gonna do with that information, I know you’re at more risk than me, but I just… need you to know. For me.”

“Sonny…” Mike pulled Sonny to him and held him almost painfully tight, kissing the side of his head because it was the only place within reach. “Me, too, Babe. God help me, this… you… it’s more than sex for me, too.”

As the weeks went by, they continued to spend every possible night together, and had gradually come to spend all their time in Sonny’s cheerful, comfortable apartment rather than Mike’s drab, utilitarian place. Mike’s apartment had become the place he returned to when he needed to pick up his mail, or get fresh clothes, although more and more of those had taken up residence at Sonny’s.

Sonny came home from Sunday dinner with his family to find Mike slouched on the sofa, his long legs draped lazily over the coffee table and ESPN playing on the television with the sound off, the way Mike often watched sports for some reason. Sonny had teased Mike about it, saying he thought it was cute, and maybe a little weird, which was incidentally the way he would describe Mike on the whole. Tonight, Mike was sipping a beer and paying no attention to whatever game was on.

“You OK, hon?” Sonny asked as he breezed through the room to the kitchen to deal with the bags of leftovers his mother always sent home with him.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just thinkin’.”

“About?”

“I don’t know. Nothin’.”

Sonny came back out of the kitchen and stopped on his way to the bedroom. “You sure everything’s OK?”

“Everything’s great. I guess that’s what I was thinkin’ about.” Mike smiled affectionately at Sonny, thinking he looked particularly adorable in his church clothes, casual slacks and a cable-knit sweater over a T-shirt.

“Well, hold that thought. Let me get changed, and then I wanna hear all about how great everything is.” Sonny’s smile was incandescent and, for some reason, he was blushing just a bit.

He quickly returned from the bedroom, still wearing the T-shirt, and now comfortable in a pair of Mike’s sweats. For some time now, Sonny had made a habit of wearing clothes that Mike had worn, saying that it made him feel closer to him. He especially liked wearing Mike’s shirts, because he said they smelled like him. Mike had felt his chest clutch when he said that, and could have sworn that there were tears threatening behind his eyes.

Sonny sat down next to Mike, as close as possible, and put his legs over Mike’s and his head on Mike’s shoulder, scooting his body under Mike’s arm so that Mike had no choice but to put his arm around him. As though Mike wanted a choice.

“So. You were thinkin’ things are good, huh?”

Mike laughed and tipped Sonny’s face up to kiss him. It was a few minutes before he pulled away slightly. “Yeah. Good.”

“What else were you thinkin’?”

Sonny was a talker. He was always asking how Mike was feeling, what he was thinking, how he felt about things. Sometimes that was difficult for Mike, because he didn’t tend to ask himself those questions. But he’d begun to, somewhere in the couple of months he’d been seeing Sonny. Thinking about Sonny was always nice, but the habit had begun to creep into other areas of Mike’s life, and it wasn’t always pleasant.

“I was thinking about… you and me, I guess. How we got here. Where ‘here’ is.”

“You come to any conclusions?”

Mike hesitated, then shrugged. “I told you. That things are good.”

Sonny shook his head. “You kill me. You’ll chase an armed perp without a second thought, you’ll go nose to nose with anyone who wants to challenge you, no matter how big they are. But ask you to talk about how you feel, or what you think, and you panic and start lookin’ for the exit.”

Sonny sat up and turned to Mike, putting a hand out to stroke his hair. His whole face was aglow as he looked at Mike, his sentimental grin showing his dimples and making crinkles around his eyes, both of which made the bottom drop out of Mike’s stomach.

“It’s one of the things I love about you. It’s also one of the things that make me want to strangle you.”

Mike stroked Sonny’s thigh, smiling back into his eyes. “Did you just tell me you love me?”

“Not very eloquently. But I do.”

Mike sighed happily, his eyes showing all that he felt. “I love you, too. How’s that for talking about my feelings?”

“Pretty fuckin’ good,” Sonny said, beaming the full wattage of his radiant smile on Mike. “I think you deserve a reward.”

#law & order svu #law & order: special victims unit #mike dodds #sonny carisi #andy karl #peter scanavino #dorisi

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