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kiritonarukami · 5 years

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rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 15 people

tagged by: @kashimasyuu (thanks for the tag Nat!!!)

tagging: @touka-tsuwamono @dominantecode @hachikenz @hexagon431 @taikos (Only if you want to!)

LAST

1. drink - Water (gotta stay hydrated!)

2. 📱 call - My aunt called me asking about the photos I took during our California trip lol

3. text - I was texting my cousin about her trip while she’s in Colorado!

4. song you listened to - KODO by nonoc (Mahou Shoujo Tokushusen Asuka OP)

5. time you 😢 - WHEN I WATCHED “I WANT TO EAT YOUR PANCREAS” IN THEATERS A MONTH AGO

HAVE YOU EVER

6. dated someone twice - Noooooope

7. 😘 someone and regretted it - Never regret LOL

8. been cheated on - Nope

9. lost someone special - I lost my Grandpa back in 2000 but that’s a long ans sad story...

10. been depressed - COLLEGE

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - I tend to party hard but I’ve never thrown up! *Knocks on wood*

FAVORITE COLORS

12. Blue

13. Black

14. White

15. Grey

in the last year have you

16. made new friends - Tons!

17. fallen out of 💛 - Never fell to begin with lol

18. 😂 until you 😢 - Only at my own puns

19. found out someone was talking about you - not in a bad way

20. met someone who changed you - Does EMT count?

21. found out who your friends are - I think they’ve all stayed the same?

22. 😘 someone on your facebook friends list - Ain’t nobody got time for that!

GENERAL

23. how many friends from your fb friends list do you know irl - 90%?

24. do you have any pets - I have 4 fish!

25. do you want to change your middle name - I mean......it’s my vietnamese name so no?

26. what did you do for your last 🎂 - I had a birthday WEEK! Went to like 2 raves (Dillon Francis/Alison Wonderland & Excision), watched “I Want to Eat Your Pancreas”, and then ended it with a birthday/Vietnamese New Year party with the family!

27. what time did you wake up today - 9AM because I’m currently drowning in so much homework I might throw up.

28. what were you doing last night at midnight - Catching up on anime because I didn’t want to do my homework (please don’t judge me).

29. what is something you can’t wait for - GRADUATION HALLELUJAH

30. what are you listening to right now - Right now it’s We Might Fall (Absent Remix) by Ghastly x Matthew Koma

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - I had a cat that was named Tom

32. something that gets on your nerves - Probably when you ask people about something and all they say is “sure”. LIKE DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS OR NOT. Sure is the worst thing you could use with me :/

33. most visited website - Tumblr and my anime blog tbh

34. hair color - Black! Although I did have blonde highlights at some point in my life.... lol

35. long hair or short hair - Short, I have my sides shaved and the top long (neck length?).

36. do you have a crush on someone - Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

37. what do you like about yourself - I like how ambitious and adventurous I am, I’m always taking up new hobbies and trying to get good at all of them!

38. want any piercings - Hmmm I’ve always wanted to pierce my ear lobes...

39. blood type - .....good question

40. nicknames - It’s usually just Dennis, though my co workers like to reference me as “YA BOIIIII”. Oh and I was known as the “Asian Sensation” back in high school lol

41. relationship status - SINGLE AS A PRINGLE

42. zodiac - aquarius

43. pronouns - he/him

44. favorite 📺 show - Outside of anime, I remember being super into NCIS oh and I enjoy How I Met Your Mother and The Office lol As for anime, Gintama will always e number 1!

45. tattoos - I would like one! just not sure where or what lol

46. right handed or left - LEFT

47. ever had surgery - Other than my wisdom teeth, nope

48. piercings - currently none :(

49. sports - Volleyball!

50. vacation - Just came back from my California trip (maybe I should post photos?) and will be going to Anime Expo in July !

51. trainers - I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST, LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS *Instrumental*

MORE GENERAL

52. eating - No Rice, No Life

53. drinking - H20

54. i’m about to watch - I think I wanna watch the Non Non Biyori Vacation Movie tonight!

55. waiting for - This semester to be OVER.

56. want - my tac refund so I can finally buy my DJ Controller :)))

57. get married -

58. career - Architect! (but on the side a game developer, music producer, and artist)

WHICH IS BETTER

59. kisses or hugs - Hugs are easier to pass around LOL

60. 👄 or eyes - Eyes

61. shorter or taller - Shorter, although I don’t mind taller

62. older or younger - Younger

63. nice arms or stomach - hm.....stomach?

64. hookup or relationship - relationship

65. troublemaker or hesitant - Troublemaker for sure!

HAVE YOU EVER

66. 😘 a stranger - I might’ve? lol

67. drank hard liquor - TOO MUCH

68. lost glasses - No, but I’ve broken like.....4 pairs hahahaha.....

69. turned someone down - Yes

70. sex on first date - Eh.

71. broken someone’s ❤️ - Yes

72. had your 💔 - Not yet...

73. been arrested - Nope (Surprisingly)

74. 😢 when someone died - Yes

75. fallen for a friend - No?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

76. yourself - As much as I can

77. miracles - Yeah

78. 💛 at first sight - only in anime

79. 🎅 - It’s been a minute since I did...

80. 😘 on a first date - If the vibe is right!

81. angels - Everyone that goes out of their way to help other people is an angel in my eyes.

other

82. best friend’s name - this would be a pretty long list....

83. eye color - Brown

84. favorite movie - At the moment, “Black Panther” but also “I Want To Eat Your Pancreas”/

85. favorite actor - Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr.

#Kiritoposts #Kiritotalks #Wow this took longer than I thought it would lol #This was fun though!#Thanks for the tag again!!!!

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

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Survey #114

“oh yeah, i’m a reaper man; every good thing, i kill it dead.”

What kind of makeup do you think is appropriate for church? Who cares. Wear what you want; I don't see how your makeup affects God's opinion on you while in His house. What would you wear to church? I don't dress up for the same reason as above. I just wear my usual. Would/do you like having brown eyes? I like having blue eyes. It's not that brown isn't pretty, it's just so common. What kind of gift would you appreciate for your birthday? I'm just asking for money again. Can already go see Sara, time to work towards the tattoo. What do you use Facebook for? My main reason is legit funny pictures lmao. There's few people I'm actually actively interested in keeping up with. Would you rather be called a geek, a nerd or a dork? A geek is 100% a compliment lol. Do you like pretzels? Soft ones, yes. Especially the ones from those little shops at malls, omgggg. I'd prefer to not eat hard ones. You want your next pet to be what? A bearded dragon. Or two rats. Would you spend 20 dollars on a candle? Ha. No. What is the goriest thing you’ve seen in real life? There was a deer that died directly beside the road leading to our old house and it was decaying. I still remember all the maggots squirming around in its side. @_@ Do you take any meds? If so which and why? Mood stabilizers, anxiety med, something for nausea if one of my mood stabilizers causes it, Melatonin, something for heartburn, and birth control unless I want my uterus to tear me apart from the inside. Is "no glove, no love" your STRICT policy? If I actually was to have sex, yes. Even with me on the pill, I'm not taking any risks. Not getting pregnant. If someone breaks a law, should they be punished if they did not know it was a law? Depends on the law. Name a band you sort of like: What a thing to admit, but Blood on the Dance Floor. I like some of their songs, while others are just too repulsive. In your head do you call yourself 'I’ or 'you’ or both? Usually "you," and always when I'm trying to calm or reassure myself, because it's like hearing validation of something from another person. Someone tells you 'well there are black people, and then there are (removed term bc fuck that word)’. What do you think? My former friend used to say that and I fucking hated it. Who REALLY has a higher sex drive, girls or guys? How can you tell? I might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure there's science behind men having more of a libido. Do you enjoy wild parties? I literally could never. Have you ever been stereotyped? As what? I was called both emo and goth in high school. It wasn't offensive to me personally, but I don't think I totally fit any stereotype. Who do you know that you believe does not masturbate? I don't for a number of reasons, and I can name a few others I'm pretty sure don't. Does a cloned human being have a soul? Why or why not? explosion.gif Who looks better naked, men or woman? Women. I'm bi, yes, but penises look fucking disgusting to me personally. Is there anything you won’t say unless someone else says it first? Nothing immediately comes to mind. What’s your favorite type of doughnut? Either glazed or cake (the totally plain ones). Do you have any candles in your bedroom? Do you light them often? No, I have an incense burner. I use it often enough. What is your least favorite thing about your full name? I just don't like my last name, and my middle name's too common, but at least I like the name itself. What’s your favorite kind of Poptart? Probably the chocolate sundae one. But I don't like Poptarts much. Do you think you look good with a hat on? I can't remember the last time I wore a hat. Are there some songs you can’t listen to because they remind you of something? "The Mortician's Daughter" and "Stairway to Heaven." Do you live near a street light? No. Do you wear any rings? A red gem one I got from Mom, then a "bitch/jerk" friendship ring (Supernatural reference) with my girlfriend. Do you put collars on your cats? When we had cats, yeah. Do you like celery? Ew no. Did you cry while watching the Notebook? I've never sobbed at a movie, but I cried, yeah. I've cried in subsequent watches too lmao. I think I've always teared up, actually. Do you have a protective mom and dad? Mom's extremely protective of me. I'd say Dad's pretty normal. What field trip did you last go on? Probably for a band competition in high school. Five ways to win your heart: Uhhh. Show compassion, patience, generosity, wisdom, and maturity. Your views on mainstream music: It's getting too vulgar to be on the radio. I firmly believe children don't need to hear profanity (they don't know when it's inappropriate to use) or talk of sex, and songs just have so much censorship yet lack thereof now. If you're going to censor almost an entire song, why the hell play it? Then some songs are so clearly about sex or just openly say the word that it bothers me. I wouldn't wanna explain what sex is to say my like five-year-old if they heard some of the shit on the radio and asked questions. Put your iPod on shuffle and write that 10 first songs that play: 1.) "Clocks" by Coldplay, 2.) "Paradise City" by Guns N' Roses, 3.) "Blessed With a Curse" by Bring Me the Horizon, 4.) "Let It Die" by Starset, 5.) "I Don't Love You" by My Chemical Romance, 6.) "Animals" by Nickelback, 7.) "Shoots and Ladders" by Korn, 8.) "Divinity Statue" from DMC3, 9.) "Float On" by Modest Mouse, 10.) "This Is Gospel" by Panic! at the Disco. A quote you try to live by: "Life's hard. Shouldn't you be, too?" ... It's not meant to be an innuendo. How do you know when someone thinks you’re attractive? I would literally have to be told lmao. Which one of your relationships was the shortest? Two weeks and it was fucking stupid. Which was the longest? Almost four years. If you want to get married, what age? I don't have a set age in mind. Just whenever my s/o and I are ready. What did you end up getting for Christmas? A PS2 after mine broke years ago ahhhh, way too much money from my dad, his wife, and my grandpa, a "meerkat lover" street sign, a meerkat puzzle I'mma do and frame for my room, some pajama pants, an iHome for my iPod, Pikachu and Grumpy Cat plushies that're too cute, among other things that aren't coming to mind rn. Do you think buying underwear/bras at Victoria’s Secret is a waste? Meh, mixed feelings. Like they are way too expensive for some damn bras and underwear, but if they make you feel more confident or pretty in your body, buy them. Do you like glittery things? Usually. Do you like Red Lobster? It used to be my favorite restaurant, but after I got sick after eating there, I haven't gone since. Even though I was feeling sick before we went, it's just an association thing. What are you most scared of? Relapse, losing certain people. Favorite video game? "Silent Hill 2" Do you believe that leaving a significant other for someone else is ever a good idea? YUP. because if you loved the first person, you wouldnt even consider the second. <<<< This. Do you have any possessions that you’re very attached to, and you’d be absolutely devastated if you damaged or lost them? Absolutely devastated... the little rock I got from my partial hospitalization at Holly Hill. When someone "graduates," you pick a shiny rock from a jar that gets passed around the room for your "classmates" to wish you well and say anything they'd like to say about you while they hold it. I cherish that thing so much. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done, and you got away with it? I guess have oral entirely naked on the old chaise in the living room. But we were home alone. How much do you want to weigh? I was totally happy at 120, but I was fine at 140. Supposedly I should be like 130-something. If you HAD to do your holiday shopping for EVERYONE in only ONE store what store would you pick? Uh probably Walmart lmao. Do you believe that guns don’t kill people and that people kill people? Why? People kill people, and that's coming from someone afraid of guns. You have a choice where you're pointing that thing. What is the difference between a good poem and a bad one? I don't like ones that are virtually impossible to understand. Which do you need more: sugar, caffeine, alcohol, drugs, sex, sleep? I'm addicted to caffeine, I can't go two days without it. @_@ Who is someone you know should deserve more respect? Ha, my Dad from my mom. What movie would you like to see again, that you haven’t watched since you were a kid? The first movie that came to mind was "Shiloh." Are birds happy in cages? Are pets happy indoors? I truly doubt birds are happy in cages, but maybe if they have enough entertainment and it's big enough? But I'm sure like dogs and cats are fine indoors considering a whole house is much bigger. Though I think bigger dogs especially need to be let out to run around sometimes. Hula hoops or jump ropes? Jump ropes. Loved it as a kid. Now my knees would murder me. Can you understand sign language? No. But I remember learning this song in elementary school that we had to sing and do sign language to, but I don't remember any of it. Does anyone in your family hunt? Nicole, my little sister. How about fish? Me and Dad, maybe his dad. Do you pronounce the "l" in salmon? No. Have you ever gotten stuck on an amusement park ride? Thank Christ no. Have you ever seen an albino animal? Maybe? I've seen a white alligator, but it technically wasn't albino. Have you ever tried summoning Bloody Mary? No. When is the last time you consumed alcohol? New Year's Eve. I drank a margarita way too fast but felt nothing because my alcohol tolerance is God-Tier. ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ (Though I like never drink.) Do you ever judge people based on if they believe in God or not? No. Are you sometimes scared to express your opinions in fear of what others might think? Y U P Do you ‘bless’ strangers when they sneeze? Sometimes. Would you rather go to a University or a community college? The latter if they offered good classes. It's cheaper, and you can still get a worthy degree. What’s your favorite kind of bread? Pumpernickel. What toppings do you like on your pizza? Only jalapenos or pepperoni. What color or design does your shower curtain have? It's just white. What color is your microwave? Black. Could you ever give yourself a shot? If I had to, yeah. Have you ever been so embarrassed that you cried? Story of my life. How many people have told you they were in love with you? One. Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted? Well, we're both girls, so actual sex would be psychically impossible, but I'd do as close as we could to it if she made it very clear she wanted to. Does it bother you when people don’t answer questions with exact answers? Yes, especially if I'm asking them a question about needing validation for something. Don't be vague. Have you ever watched a needle go into your own skin? I usually do so I know exactly when it's coming. And if I'm getting my blood drawn, I watch it for whatever reason. @_@ Have you ever seen someone get a piercing/tattoo? Yes. Do you like strawberry and banana smoothies? Strawberry. I doubt I'd like banana. Do you know someone that is mute, deaf or blind? My sister Ashley is literally blind in one eye, I think her right? For the other two, idk. What’s your favorite horror movie? I really like both "Blair Witch Project"s, as well as "The Crazies." Is it true that people with depression CAN’T function in society? Sometimes, absolutely. Can you think of any person or group you cannot empathise with? Pedophiles, rapists, racists, abusive people, homophobes, the list goes on. Do you want to get married? If so, what color will your dress be? It'll be either black, white, or ivory, idk. Do you like peanut butter and fluff sandwiches? NO. Do you play video games? If so, what kind? Yes, just about exclusively story-based ones that usually involve horror. But I like many others, so long there's actually plot to it. How old is your oldest and youngest friend? Oldest is like... 32, youngest is 17, I think. How weight conscious are you? Only extremely. Stripes or polka dots? Polka dots. What was your first word? "Dada" What's a show that you absolutely refuse to watch? "13 Reasons Why" Do you remember how old you were when you started swearing? 7th grade. Have you ever been involved in a custody battle before? I'm actually not sure. I don't think so. If it did, Mom never told us. Did your parents ever let you play in the pits of those multicolored balls? Yes, until I think a dirty needle was found in one of McDonald's ball pits. Do you think biting is weird or sexy? I like it so long you don't leave a mark in an obvious spot. Do you have a class ring? No. What type of internet browser are you using? Chrome. How long do your showers typically last? Not even ten minutes. Can you cry on cue? No. Were you a Nancy Drew reader when you were younger? No. Are you the kind of person that takes pictures with a drink in your hand? No, and quite frankly, it's obnoxious. You're getting intoxicated. Congrats. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? Mom has depression, and she says Dad's bipolar, but I absolutely don't see it now that they're divorced. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home? Own. When was the last time you wore a full face of makeup? I couldn't tell you. The most I ever wear is eye liner, shadow, mascara, and lipstick, but I don't consider that a "full face of makeup." Do you own an iPad? No. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, thank goodness. Do you think it’s wrong for people to say 'retard/retarded’ as an insult? I FUCKING HATE IT. How many people of the opposite sex have made you cry? I think two. Would you eat a live tarantula for $1,000? No, I just wouldn't be able to. If it didn't have its fangs, maybe? What’s one health problem you wish you didn’t have? Anxiety. Shit would be so much better without it. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom by one year. Do you have any close friends that were adopted? No. Do you believe that people can be psychics? No. List these apple types from greatest to worst: green, red, yellow. Red, green, yellow. Does your house have more than one fireplace? We don't have even one. When it rains does it leave a lake in your front yard? No. My original home was like that, though. It ALWAYS flooded. Do you dread when people ask you to sign their yearbooks? No, I actually found it flattering to know they wanted me to sign it. Where is one place that you’d never be caught dead in? A strip club, to name one. Do you have a favorite Scooby-Doo movie? I loved the Phantom Virus one. Even had the game. Do you dislike when people ruin the endings of anything for you? Yes, unless I ask to just be told. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? ... Whoa. I'd feel fucking godawful, but I'd save my grandmother. I'm not calling the baby less human, but my grandmother is more conscious of life and everything, I guess? Which would you choose: true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? Never love at all. Heartbreak is fucking awful. Have you ever seen the movie "A Walk to Remember?" Cliche or worth watching? I think it's worth watching. Very sweet movie. Do you know how to sew? What’s your favorite thing to sew? No. Do you own many pairs of shorts? I don't own any. Do you ever have movie nights with your significant other? Ye<3 Do you like fiction or non-fiction books more? What’s your favorite? Fiction. "Johnny Got His Gun" and "The Outsiders." Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend? Yeah. How many tattoos would you get? I want LOADS. What brand of toothpaste do you use? Crest. Would you ever tattoo the name of a bf/gf or spouse on yourself? No. I'd get a matching tattoo relatively deep into marriage, but name, nah. What’s your least favorite season? Summer. D: What’s your favorite dessert? Red velvet cake. Do you like cotton candy? Meh, I can have a couple bites. Do you have any shirts signed by famous people? No. Where do you normally get your hair cut? A family friend's salon. What would your dream engagement ring look like? I really like dragon's breath opal rings or rose gold ones but idk how expensive either are. @_@ What’s the longest your hair has ever been? Like to the small of my back. How do you feel about bleach blonde hair? Gorgeous on some people, not for me. Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes. Name 2 questions that you will most likely never say ‘no’ to: 1.) "Do you wanna go get a tattoo?", 2.) "Do you wanna Skype?" if it's Sara. Imagine someone has a great personality, sense or humor, family and job. they also really really like you a lot. Would you consider dating them if they: Were fat? Yes. Limped? Yes. Were a midget? Yes. Had HIV? No, because I'm too scared to put myself at risk. Were paralyzed in one arm? Yes. Had a glass eye? Yes. Had only 6 months to live? No, that would destroy me. Would you get married on TV? No. I don't want people I don't care about watching. Do you own a metal detector? No. I did as a kid, though.

#survey #quiz #questions

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pisati · 4 years

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I talked to my mom yesterday, just about all kinds of things. I thought I decided a while ago to keep her out of the loop on my health situation, but I guess things are okay if I just keep her up to date but keep her at a distance. not like it’s ever not been like that, though. once I hit 18 and could make decisions for myself without parental permission I was already used to having to advocate for myself. I get that my mom was busy and stressed when I was younger. but thinking back... it kind of hurts that she didn’t fight harder for me. she DID take me to doctors and she does still cover my costs. but I think she gave up on trying a long time ago. it’s hard to tell if she thinks I’m faking too. I don’t think she does, but sometimes it does feel like she thinks I’m thinking too hard about it. I should just sit down and take the hand I was dealt, despite not having any answers.

I told her about the FM/a test, and she thinks it’s a good idea to go for it. if it’s just a quick blood draw and insurance will probably cover it, what’s the harm? either I come up negative (a good thing, in some ways), or I come up positive and finally have my answer. yeah it would suck to definitively know that I have something for the rest of my life and there is a very real possibility it will get worse, but when I know what it is I can better learn how to manage it. that’s all I want at this point.

I also mentioned that when I was volunteering last, my volunteer coordinator showed a group of us a slightly old version of the plans for the new shelter the county is building. it’s going to be a much bigger facility, which is nice, and it’ll be a good bit closer to home. there are a lot of cool features. but I also mentioned to mom how I’d been volunteering for almost two years now, and it’s finally at the point where I’m meeting new volunteers for the first time and they already know who I am. my VC calls me the queen of smalls, and defers to me for pretty much everything small-animal related. staff all know me by name too, and I’ve done a lot in the way of training. the new shelter is on-schedule as of right now, to be finished in september. by that point, I will have been volunteering for just short of 3 years, and I will have a year’s worth of experience at the clinic as both a receptionist and a vet assistant. I told my mom that with the building of the new shelter, there’s going to be more care staff positions opening up, and I honestly think I’ll have a good shot at one of them. there’s more I need to learn by that point, but I think if I do want to pursue this seriously, I can definitely do it.

and I was actually surprised that she sounded relieved to hear that. “oh, Hannah, that would be so good”. I’d have county government benefits. I’d be paid a good bit more. still not enough to live on my own here, but more for sure. I just... I know how hard she’s been pushing me to stay in linguistics. I know she’d love to see me doing some boring government job, getting a security clearance, being this person I know I’m not, doing all the shit that makes me feel nauseous now. but I also know she wants me to be secure and be happy. county government jobs provide government benefits, meaning it would be stable. not to mention this county is the wealthiest in the country. it’s making me tear up a little bit just to know she supports me, still. things aren’t going the way I thought they would, but I know that right now, animal care is what’s working for me. maybe one day when I can fix my sleep and my mental health I can push myself to go into something else, but right now I just can’t bring myself to care. I can’t see myself being a serious career academic. I can’t see myself in a stiff, boring government job. I would probably fall very quickly back into borderline suicidality if I ever ended up at another desk job.

I wish I could have seen this in myself sooner. I wish I would have taken one good hard look at myself and thought about my own personality, and I wish someone else with more experience would have too, and given me some guidance. I really am a person that cares too goddamn much. even thinking about other options I might have; the thing that’s most appealing to me right now is applied behavior analysis. the goal for me being to help autistic children and families with autistic children communicate better and understand each other’s needs. am I a peacemaker at heart? do I just want really badly to see happy endings? I’ve always been a bleeding heart. always, always, always. I remember being in middle or early high school; grandpa had taken us fishing at one of his favorite spots on a bridge in florida, and I’d caught a fish that he liked so much he wanted to keep it for food. but he wanted to just leave it on the ground to suffocate until it died, and I cried until he grumpily threw it back. I saw it belly-up anyway, as it floated downstream, and I still think about it. I hated knowing I was the reason that fish died. that’s just one anecdote, but looking back, it was clear as day that that’s just the kind of person I am. and still I got pushed into things that weren’t ever right for me, because money is a huge worry, and because I grew up under the impression that I needed to pay less attention to myself and just focus on “being successful”. I figured I’d have to be like my mom; do a job because it paid and it was a job. I resigned myself to being miserable because “that’s just what people do”. I learned too late that it’s not, actually. I just wish that doing a job at all would pay enough to live. why some jobs are valued so much more than others is baffling to me. people in social, care-oriented fields work so hard and are so undervalued. powerful positions pay a ton more, and attract power-hungry people. that’s how we end up with this huge imbalance. it does still hurt me sometimes, though, feeling like my mom’s disappointed in me for changing my mind. for deciding that I don’t have to be miserable at a job, and I shouldn’t put up with something just because it pays enough. that’s why it was such a relief to actually have her support on this shelter thing.

---

A set up a new facebook event page for festivus. he’d made one a few weeks ago, but then deleted it. I was afraid he’d deleted me from it specifically, because just before he deleted the page I’d mentioned to him that it might not be worth it for me this year. he’d told me it might be in pittsburgh, and that would be a long trip for me for just a weekend. and I told him that if it was going to end up like farm jam, with me showing up and being ignored the whole time, it wasn’t worth a trip at all. suddenly the page wasn’t visible to me anymore. but another friend confirmed that the event was deleted.

so now there’s a new one. it’s going to be in johnstown, which is doable, since it’s only a ~2.5 hour drive, vs 4.5 to pittsburgh. unfortunately it’s on the exact day that my office manager decided to put our clinic holiday party; we had a paper hanging up in treatment asking people to put their names on one of two dates they preferred, either, or neither, and I put “either” because I didn’t have other plans at the time. I don’t even know yet if I’m working that day, but if we’re supposed to alternate weekends I should have that day off. I suppose I could tell people at work that I only see my PA friends twice a year now, if that, and they planned it pretty last-minute, but I just. I don’t know. it wasn’t really worth the effort last year. this year I feel even more disconnected than I did before, and it was pretty bad before.

I’d be willing to give it another go, I think. god I miss having friends so much. I know there’s people I can still talk to, if they’d be willing to talk to me. I can’t let the past get me too down. trying not to recall A ignoring me in person while he tried to get into another girl’s pants after T’s wedding, and literally pitched her tent 5 feet from mine and ended up spending the night in it with her. trying to scrap all the memories from this past farm jam, when I ended up crying a good few times because despite trying to interact and not look like I was in a bad mood over the course of 4 days, I just got ignored and left behind. when I went to go for a walk by myself and got caught in a torrential downpour, only to come back to the campsite to find everyone that was still at the campsite huddled under the big tarp we’d strung up, having rescued every camp chair but mine. including T’s piece of crap chair that seemed a few more uses away from falling apart even when I first saw it 6 years ago. I don’t know what that says to me, but it feels like it says something.

I don’t know. I could let my shit memory do what it does. I could try again. I don’t know why I feel like I need to prove to my friends that I’m trying to not be so depressed. they’re the ones who back off because they don’t want to deal with me when I’m sad. I’m not trying to bring anyone down, I’m just.. really not well. I haven’t been for a long time. I wonder where I’d be if I felt like I had one person who I wasn’t terrified of scaring off; who could just see my depression as something that has me in a vice grip and isn’t a reflection of who I am. I know sometimes it puts me in scary places, but I’m not scary. I’m not hopeless. it helps me immensely just to feel cared about. I have a page on my notes app that I add to every so often with thoughts and snippets of things I could potentially turn into song lyrics, and I was just reminded of one I spit out at least a few months ago: isn’t it cruel how much I blossom when I’m loved? another I’m still trying to find the right words for so I haven’t actually written it down yet: don’t make the mistake of caring for me, because I’ll make the mistake of feeling cared about

my friend Mere is the one I asked about A potentially having removed me from the first festivus page, actually. she’d messaged me after I posted a picture of my crochet on facebook, and just wanted to ask how I was doing. she’s so sweet. we talked briefly, eventually about how everything just felt different. it was weird hearing her talk about Alec and that other girl he’s seeing now, knowing they were all friends even before Alec and Mere got married. I don’t feel it’s my place to ask how she feels about it. she seems to be doing well now though, and I’m glad to hear that. the last thing she said (which I responded to, but didn’t get another response) was interesting: but, I’m sorry that I never got along too well with you in the beginning. I don’t know what it was, but I’m super happy to call you a friend now.

we’d actually talked about this twice before. the first time I think was festivus 2015. we follow festivus tradition, and within that falls the airing of grievances. she’d pulled me aside and told me straight-up that she didn’t like me much when she first met me. which I wasn’t even aware of, because I never talked to her much and always thought she was pretty cool. but she told me that after actually talking to me and having me around for a bit (since I was staying with A while I visited, and he had a room in Alec & Mere’s house), she realized her feelings were misplaced. I was glad she was honest with me. the second time was after T’s wedding. I had hauled ass back up to the campfire after realizing that A had zipped himself into that girl’s tiny one-person tent with her and she knew immediately what happened. it was obvious the whole night what he was trying to do, and she knew him longer than I did, so of course she knew without even having to see it. I was so on-edge. so upset. I was shaking. I remember she and our friend Brad had come up to me and asked what happened, if I wanted to sleep in my car, if I wanted them go get my stuff out of my tent for me. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I just remember sitting in front of the fire, shaking and starting to cry and picking my cuticles to bits; I don’t even remember what they were talking about. I remember at one point Brad asked if I was okay, and I told him I felt like I just wanted to hit something; he went into the trees at the edge of T’s property and brought me a big branch so I could take a swing at something if I wanted. I just gave him a big hug. Mere and I had debated going to sleep, because everyone else already had by the time it was just us left. but we ended up talking more. she told me about how she had a crush on A too and had for years, and it hurt to see him screw around so much. it hurt to see him with me and have me around, and after she realized I wasn’t so bad it hurt to know he hurt me too. I felt bad, because I had no idea. I told her a lot of the shit he put me through, and she agreed it wasn’t okay. she told me how he was really upset the year before when he realized it was my birthday and he forgot again. he’d gotten drunk and told her he knew he hurt me really bad and just didn’t know what to do; he felt terrible. she told me about her relationship with Alec and how things were just falling apart. they were trying to make it work, but it was never going to. I told her how I kind of wanted to pack up my tent and leave, like how in the movies when people break up they just take all their stuff and disappear, but A’s stuff was still in my tent; he was supposed to have shared with me. I was too tired to drive home, but I still wanted to just pack it up anyway. she helped me fold up all of his things and leave them in a neat little pile where the tent was. she helped me fold up the tarp and showed me how to fold the tent so I could fit it all back into the carrying bag and zip it shut (a skill I had yet to acquire). we got all my things back into my car so I could just get in and go if I wanted. by the time we’d started packing up the tent the sun was already coming back up; we were sat around the fire again when A’s phone alarm went off. the two of them came up to the fire pit and sat down with us; I couldn’t even look at him. Mere offered to let me stay at her place in johnstown before I drove home; I think Alec had work later in the morning so I followed them home and tried to sleep. I was amazed I made it there in one piece since I’d been awake for somewhere around 26-27 hours at that point and was struggling to keep my eyes open. I was so grateful to have her company that day. she promised to keep me company at farm jam that year too, so I wouldn’t have to see A with that girl (she ended up not going, but I was worried the whole time that she’d show up). Mere hung out with me and took me mushroom foraging in the woods, and I learned a lot even though I don’t remember any of it. she’s a really sweet gal, and I’m glad to know her.

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well that ended up taking a turn I didn’t intend. I guess that’s alright. just felt like I needed to write.

I don’t know. I’m not ready for this 3-day weekend to be over. I finally caught a break and I crashed pretty hard. I’m really missing my gap year and all the free time I had; feels like it hardly lasted any time at all. I don’t know how I’m ever going to have the energy to work full-time for the rest of my life; I’m not even “full-time” now and I’m struggling. I don’t know. maybe if I finally get a diagnosis people will take me seriously and help me come up with a plan to get the most out of what energy I do have without burning myself out.

#blah blah #rambles

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