#oh god and i just remembered i've got another one IN THE MAIL ON ITS WAY TO ME AS I TYPE

[libbystcwart]

MERRY CHRISTMAS...

the holidays linger like bad perfume / you can run, but only so far / i escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave / but if it's okay with you, it's okay with me

I wasn't sure if I should get you a present but since you came all the way to Merrock, I thought I should at least give you something. Coming up with a gift was even harder, but I decided to give you the letters I wrote to you that you never got, either because I was too afraid to send them or because they came back in the mail. And I wasn't sure how to get this to you since I don't know where you live, but a friend of mine in town said they could get in touch with you, so I hope that it made its way to you.

@lincolnandrewscott

WRITTEN A FEW MONTHS AFTER SHE LEFT.

Dear Lincoln,

My Ma came out to Boston to attempt at helping me deal with everything. She is having me see the school counselor at MassArt. Mrs. Browne suggested that if I didn’t want to ‘formally journal’ that writing letters to people I have strong feelings to share with would also help me. You were always the easiest to talk to about anything, so here we are.

Being a child of Southern Georgia is really not working out for me here in Boston and I’ve only been here like five months. It’s so BUSY here, so LOUD, you know? The food’s weird, too, but if I said that out loud around people here I really would never make friends. Thomasville was so chill, and I could go to our secret hiding place whenever I wanted. I miss it. I miss a lot about home. But there was a reason I left. I'll save my reasoning for another time, though.

I miss you. I want you to know that. Not a single day goes by where I don't think of you. The other day I was going through a box - because I haven’t fully unpacked yet, I’m moving as slow as humanly possible so that maybe this mistake will erase itself or something - and I found that jewelry box you made me in wood shop. It was just a stupid jewelry box, but I cried for almost two hours.

I don’t know how to DO this, Linc. I’m so far away from what’s familiar to me. I don’t have you to talk to anymore. I know I'm the one that left, but if there's one thing I tell you in this letter that's close to a reason, it's that I felt like I had to get the hell out of Thomasville otherwise I would be suffocating myself in a town I couldn't handle anymore. I have to live with this weight of losing the babies we had and dealing with the grief. I can’t talk to my parents. I don’t WANT to talk to my parents. I feel hollowed out. I feel like I can’t even fucking feel ANYTHING. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a whole part of me is missing. I’m twenty three years old and I feel like an alien in my own skin. My body doesn’t even feel like a body anymore. It’s just this SHELL of something that used to have a heart and soul in it and now there’s just... There’s NOTHING, Linc. There’s nothing.

What am I supposed to do with nothing?

From, Libby.

WRITTEN A YEAR AFTER SHE LEFT.

Oh God, if you could see me now. What I’ve become. I wish I could say that it’d make you proud, but I know it wouldn’t. Disappointment would be an understatement, I think. I can almost hear your voice in my head, saying my name in that stern, serious tone. Libby, stop that, you know better.

I live in Boston now, did I tell you that already? I can't remember. I don't really talk to a lot of people, the girls I'm rooming with probably think I'm a lone-wolf. I don't really allow for myself to get close to many people these days. After everything that happened leading me to New England, I kind of just decided sullen was the way to go when I first enrolled at MassArt. I have three, maybe four friends that I've made any kind of regularity in talking to. I kind of kept people at arm’s distance - friends, family, professors who wanted to check on me, whatever. I’m still working on that, and it’s been a couple months that I’ve been in the city now. Moving into this place, going to school, it was kind of a real new leaf for me? I know I shouldn't have left like that. But being here has really helped my process of dealing with everything that happened to me. To us. Maybe it’s because I’m finally away from the town we called home for so long. Maybe it’s because of the people I’ve met here and how different they are. I don't know.

Tonight, I sobbed for the first time about everything to someone. It was a stranger at a bar. A box of emotions I usually keep tightly duct taped sealed got ripped open and dumped on someone's shoulder at 1:30 in the morning, which was not the best first impression. It was because a song that I used to sing with you came on and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Cliche as it really fucking is, I don’t usually let people in these days. Not since I moved here. Not since everything that happened. But it felt really good in the moment? It felt like a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding this whole time finally got to be let out. And I know that’s a normal feeling, I know people are supposed to talk about the things that are effecting them emotionally, that it helps. I’m just so used to having to rely on myself, and keep things to myself - whether it's because of shame or guilt or because it’s buried behind a focus on something else. So it’s easier not to talk about it. It’s easier to just be this one way and have that be it.

Our kids, I want to know what they would've turned out like. What their personalities would've been, how their sibling relationship would've been, what their voices would sound like. God, can you believe we never got that chance? Honestly, more than anything, I want to stop thinking about it all.

At this point I’m not sure what I’m saying. It’s nearing four in the morning, and I’ve done a lot of crying and a lot of reflecting tonight, and everything about me is so passed exhausted, it’s not even funny. I guess ultimately what my point is is that I want to update you on my life. I'm not the same person you fell in love with, I'm becoming someone else and I'm not sure if I like it or not.

What are you supposed to do when your life feels like this? When you feel both emotionally and physically sick all the time? When you don’t have anyone on your side to understand you or to help you?

Mrs. Browne told me there’s books for grieving mothers. Like a damn book is going to take away this damn hole in my chest, this chokehold around my throat, this churning in my stomach. I wish I had listened to you, Linc. I think that’s what I realize now. I’m not sure, but I think whatever we could’ve done together would’ve been better than this, would’ve felt better than this. And you’d be with me. And I know “could’ve beens” are useless. There’s only what is and what isn’t. No amount of wishing or imagining the one thing that could change everything will actually give me what could’ve been. Because it’s not real, never was, and never will be. It’s just a romanticized idea of a perfect world where everything was where it should've been.

I don’t ever really expect you to read this. If I were you, I don’t think I would. I know you most likely hate me and I know that nothing I say over a snail-mail letter is going to do much to change that. Not after everything that I did. Even if you don’t, that’s okay. Just writing this stuff down is helping. I just want you to know that you deserve so fucking much, and I hope that you know that.

Love, Libby.

ANOTHER LETTER WRITTEN A FEW YEARS AFTER SHE LEFT.

I wrote you this letter before, but I threw it away. I mean, like, I really threw it away. I wrote it, ripped it into pieces, and threw it away in a McDonald’s trashcan. As if throwing away ripped up pieces of a letter in a trashcan in the fast food place still had some weird chance of getting back to you. Because I really panicked, okay? Because that letter said some shit that once it’s out there, it’s out there. There’s no taking back words and feelings like that. If I’m honest there’s no real point to this, I’ve just had a lot going on up in my head lately.

I'm not sure why I'm not calling you or flying back to Thomasville to tell you this in person, but something in me can't seem to do it. We had a good run, didn’t we? To tell you the truth, I’m not sure anymore. When it comes to you, I’m not sure of anything anymore. Before I left, I could feel you slipping away, and maybe that was all in my head. But I started letting go first. Which is wild to me since I know I don’t move on or let go easily. Trust me, I know. It’s excessive how long I hold onto a friendship that isn’t working or an object that I don't have any use for anymore. But you were anything but small.

Even when we were little kids, I loved you. Yes, even then. It was stupid and crazy and fast, but the conversations flowed easily and I never wanted to stop hearing your voice. Each thing you said, each part of you that opened up, I treasured. I didn’t know what I meant to you back then, but I knew you were meant to be in my life.

Do you remember when I was first pregnant? God, I was a few months along then and so, so damn emotional. We skipped school and slept in, you woke me up with blueberry pancakes and I cried. I cried over blueberry pancakes. And then threw up about forty seconds later. Pregnancy, right? You got rid of the pancakes and cleaned me up and let me cry on you for twenty minutes before I finally got it out of my system. And I remember specifically, that you said, “I hate this shirt, anyways.” I went from crying to laughing so fast, I didn’t even know what hit me. But that was the kind of thing you were good at. You could always make me smile. Even when someone had ruined my mood after lunch. Even when I’d done poorly on a test and was belittling myself for it. Even when I was freaking out and having a fit over what I looked like and how I wasn’t pretty enough to date you (which let's for a second acknowledge the stupidity of THAT). You were always the sun for me, you brightened up everything, Linc.

I want to thank you. For being the best partner, for being the best father, for being the best friend you could've been.

You’ll always be my first real love, the one that pulled me kicking and screaming through my angsty high school years and the first person that I planned a life with. I made a hell of a lot of mistakes from beginning to end and that’s stuff I’ll have to carry with me forever. Mistakes help teach you lessons, though, and I’ve learned plenty of them. Because of the lessons learned, I’m ten times happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I moved to a little town called Merrock, got a job working as an antique picker at the coolest little thrift store I’ve ever seen, I have the best friends I’ve probably ever had, and I’ve got some amazing pets to keep my company.

After all these years, I think I’ve finally come to terms with things. No, not everything. But THINGS. I’ve come to terms with the fact that my life as it stands - struggling with trying to find a career in interior design but unable to give it up because of my passion, living so far away from Georgia, talking to the people of Merrock on a regular basis, wishing that things would get better but knowing that they just won’t - is just the way that things are going to go from here on out. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have to remain a certain level of numb, a certain level of guarded, because of that. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I loved you and I broke your heart, but I also broke my own heart, too. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there’s probably no way of fixing that, I’ve just got to live with it.

But most of all, I’ve come to terms with the fact that the choices I made at the age of twenty three after all of our losses, those were the right choices. I don’t have to be happy with them. I don’t have to enjoy them. I don’t have to feel relieved or proud of them. I’m allowed to hurt, I’m allowed to feel what I feel, think what I think, wonder what I wonder. Staying in Thomasville - in that little house with you with all the memories - wouldn't have been right. No matter how much that may have hurt the both of us. In fact, I think that’s part of why it hurts.

It sounds like I'm doing okay without you, but I think the truth is that I kind of am. I truly hope that you’re happy. I hope to God or whoever’s out there that you didn’t spend two years at the bottom of any bottle you could find like I did. I hope that every door you used to dream about opens up to you. And I hope that you find someone who has the same dreams that you do, and that they treat you a million times better than I ever did.

I’m not gonna write you anymore. Because I think I’ve also come to terms with the fact that whether these letters to you are really to you or not, they’re not helping. They’re hurting more than they’re helping. And I’ve done enough things to hurt myself without intention, I should probably stop doing it intentionally, too.

I hope you're living an amazing life, Linc. I mean it.

I didn’t expect the last words I had for you to be so freeing.

Always yours, Libby.

LETTERS THAT WERE WRITTEN BUT WERE NEVER SENT. (in no particular order)

I've tried calling and texting a couple times, but I don't know if I had the right number. I know I didn’t leave things on the greatest of terms, but it was an emotional time and people do stupid things they don’t mean when they get like that, right? I know, in reality, it was my fault that we don't talk and you've become a ghost that's in my past, and I feel guilty about that. I should've tried to make things work, to be the wife you needed. You were grieving, too, and needed me just as much as I needed you.

I've been thinking about the reasons why I left you. And I think it's a lot because I just couldn't be in Thomasville any longer but I truly think it's because I realized that I've never felt more comfortable around anyone than when I’m with you, or I guess when I was with you. Is that weird? That’s probably weird. Ignore that. I don’t know. I just didn’t feel the need to hide anything when we were together and it’s weird because I was so used to faking a smile, but around you I could've been crying or something and you wouldn’t have judged me or forced me to talk about what’s wrong. I didn’t need to hide anything. I could've told you things that I couldn't tell anyone else and that genuinely scared me. I think it scared me just because I’ve never felt so vulnerable. But I think it was a good vulnerability, though? I was so used to keeping all of my secrets under lock and key, and I was sure if I didn’t have you in my life I would've probably just combust from all the secrecy and thoughts running throughout my brain. But all of those emotions you managed to make me feel, I think those were the reasons why I left you. I think if I told you everything I was feeling, it would've been too much for you to handle. This all makes it sound like I was trying to put the weight of my world on your shoulders now, and I do think that was what I was trying to do. And I didn't want to do that to you. I know we said for better or for worse, but my worse was something you didn't need. I just… I just thought that this would be a good opportunity to tell you how much I'm sorry for how everything went down. I'm so, so sorry that I wasn't who you needed me to be, and I hope I can tell you this someday. I’m sorry I haven’t reached out to you myself. Words will never be enough to explain how much I miss you. It doesn’t come often these days, but when it does, it overwhelms me. It’s like visiting the sea and the times I do visit, the waves are rather strong. And it amplifies the space you left in my heart. I miss you and I miss hearing your voice.

Ah, there it is, the familiar ache in my heart.

I miss you. Maybe I believe in a world that will let us meet again through an instance that we both never expected. Maybe, all throughout these years, the world has been planning for a funny reunion. I’d like that, something mundane yet funny. I can picture many scenarios of how it would unfold, but there’s one thing that is present in all of them, it would be our laughter followed by a tight hug. Maybe. One day. Someday. For the meantime, I send my well wishes through the stars. I hope the world has been giving you the happiness that you deserve.

Love, Libby.

•

How are you?

It's been months since I last wrote to you. Maybe because I have been pondering about the path I want to take. The kind of person I want to be. Or maybe I have been trying my best to run away from vulnerability lately. And I know how the thought of writing to you makes me soft, and open, and emotional of some sort. But here I am, being a little more brave by each passing day.

The sky is clear tonight, unlike the clouded heart that has been accompanying me the past days. My days have been weary and dreary with the constant knocks of loneliness on my door. But it’s okay, I’m okay. I am slowly relearning how to take baby steps again, and reacquainting myself with the feeling of losing my sight, forcing me to feel myself out of the darkness. I’m alright. I’ll do better.

How about you? Is the world treating you well? Did you see your favorite sunrise or maybe had your favorite cup of coffee? You know, I always wonder about you and how this world works, or would work, for us to look at the same sunrise as we both untangle ourselves from a good night’s sleep. I don’t have the exact answer for that nor a vague idea on how everything would unfold, but know that I’m here. Waiting. Making repairs in my humble home. I think I’ve let myself realize what I want. And it’s you. It’s been you for as long as I can remember. And I consider that I would like it quite a bit if you came back into my life, the idea I have of you being back in my life being real rather than a fever dream fueled by my mind. I just wish to the stars that by the time our paths cross again, I have enough warmth to welcome you into my arms. I know you’re still worth it, that we’re still worth it, I will hold on. I hope you still have love for me. Maybe. For the meantime, I’ll continue to look at the night sky and wonder how your night is unfolding.

Sincerely, Libby.

•

Linc, I really think I’ve let you go. I know it took me long enough. But all the love in my stupid little heart isn’t for you anymore. Some of it still is, of course. A part of me will always love a part of you, or what I wanted you to be, or all of you. I like it that way. I loved you so strongly, and I don’t want to lose that love I am capable of. We’ll always be something, you and me. I’m not clamoring for a definition anymore. I do miss you, and I do love you.

A few nights ago, I had one of the best nights of my life. It was silly. Time spent with new friends, reuniting with old ones. A night full of laughter and happy tears and smiling at old pictures, rolling on the floor of my living room shaking with laughter because I was so full of joy I couldn’t hold it in.

And I didn’t want to share it with you. Don’t get me wrong, I want you to feel that much joy always. I want you happy, or at least working towards it. I’m just thinking of all the times I felt something so strongly, and yet all I could think of was how much I wanted to share it with you.

I texted you in tears immediately after one of my biggest disappointments because you could make me smile through that just by being you.

I was crushed under the weight of too much anxiety and your kindness lifted me out.

I was flush with the joy of a new role and your pride made me stronger.

I graduated from high school and one of the congratulatory hugs was from you, one of the best hugs you've ever given me.

I was full of loss and regret and your strength inspired me to keep going.

I don’t think I was ever able to put into words what you meant to me while I was with you. Maybe one day you’ll go through your pictures and smile at the memories, like I am now. Maybe you’ve forgotten and they’re just mine to carry. That’s okay. I’ll keep them safe for both of us.

I didn’t realize until today, I still haven’t told you about that joy I felt that night. I didn’t think I could be happy without you. These days, I can think of you without it hurting. A part of me still wants you. But I don’t need you. And that’s for the best.

And I really do hope you’re happy now. All your demons at bay, your bright future in sight. Everything I wanted for you and everything you deserved with you or in arms reach. You are so unique, more than you maybe even realize. You are so funny and you make so many people smile on a daily basis. You are so, so loved by those around you. You are a well of incredible, endless creativity and enthusiasm. I adored your enthusiasm, and I think you really do deserve the entire world. You are a true star that shines, even in a sea of darkness. Your friendship, your love did mean everything to me, it’s so hard to find someone who just knew you so purely and so beautifully. You have so much value, not only in your talents and your brilliant mind, but also in your heart. Every day should really be filled with recognition of just how amazing you are.

I am healing. I hope you are too.

Yours truly, Libby.

#lincoln. #gifts given • 'cause we're good friends. #half of these might not make sense since i wrote bits and pieces during nights i couldn't sleep but! #i thought something like this would be a good gift from libby to linc #death tw #death mention tw #child death tw #depression tw #miscarriage tw #grief tw #mental health tw #pregnancy tw #anxiety tw

[pesterloglog]

John Egbert, Jade Harley, Karkat Vantas

Act 4, page 1525

ghostyTrickster [GT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

GT: hey, happy birthday jade!

GG: yay thank you john!!!!! :D

GT: whew ok, i got your present in the mail JUST on time.

GT: plus i sent rose's and dave's too.

GT: why do your guys'es birthdays got to be all bunched together like that??? you are running me ragged!

GG: heheh i know but it is nice of you to think of us all like that!

GT: i can't wait for you to see what i got you. i don't want to spoil it or anything but hopefully it will help you solve those problems you've been having lately.

GT: MYSTERIOUS WINK ;)

GG: im sure it is great, i cant wait either!!!!!

GG: it might take a while to get here from there but it will be worth the wait!

GT: oh man.

GT: i am such an idiot, i forgot about how long it takes you to get stuff.

GT: ARGH.

GG: john thats ok really! im sure will get to me exactly when it needs to and it will be a nice surprise when it does!

GT: ok well i hope so.

GG: <3......

GG: uhhhh hold on

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

CG: WAIT GOD DAMMIT DON'T BLOCK ME.

CG: I MEAN NOT THAT BLOCKING ME WOULD DO ANYTHING.

CG: BUT JUST LISTEN.

GG: what do you want?????

CG: I JUST HAVE TO DELIVER A MESSAGE AND THEN I'LL GO.

CG: IT IS A MESSAGE FROM YOU, SO YOU PROBABLY OUGHT TO LISTEN.

GG: this is nonsense

GG: every time i believe something you say you laugh at me and call me a gullible human!!!!

GG: its so childish

CG: OK FINE I ADMIT IT, I COMPLETELY SHIT THE BED HERE.

CG: I GET THAT.

CG: AND I CAN'T PROMISE I WON'T KEEP TROLLING YOU.

CG: CAUSE I WILL, IN WEEKS OR MONTHS OR WHATEVER.

CG: I'LL KEEP GIVING YOU A HARD TIME, BUT SEE THAT WON'T BE PRESENT ME.

CG: THAT'S PAST ME.

CG: FROM LIKE A HALF HOUR AGO OR SO, WHEN I WAS MORE HOT AND BOTHERED ABOUT ALL THIS, OK?

GG: D:

GG: i dont know what youre talking about at all.....

GG: its another prank

CG: WHATEVER, FINE, THINK IT'S A PRANK.

CG: AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER THIS CONVERSATION.

CG: SEE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO YOU IN THE FUTURE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT, BUT YOU WON'T ANSWER US.

CG: SO WE TALKED TO YOU WAAAY IN THE FUTURE TO ASK HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITH NOT-SO-FUTURE YOU.

CG: ARE YOU FOLLOWING?

GG: no

CG: SHE SAID TO TALK TO YOU NOW AND TELL YOU THIS.

CG: YOU KNOW YOUR ROBOT?

GG: you mean the robot you think is stupid?

GG: the one youve mocked me for having on a number of occasions???

CG: YEAH, WELL I STILL DO THINK YOUR ROBOT IS STUPID.

CG: BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.

CG: LATER ON IT WILL BLOW UP FOR SOME REASON. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY.

GG: this is the worst prank youve ever pulled!!!!!!

CG: QUIET.

CG: ANYWAY, WHEN IT HAPPENS YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

CG: THE THING TO DO IS TO CONTACT US.

CG: AND WE'LL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.

GG: why should i do that?

CG: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD US TO TELL YOU.

CG: WHATEVER, BELIEVE ME, DON'T BELIEVE ME, I DID MY JOB.

CG: I'M OUT OF HERE.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG]

GG: ok im back sorry

GG: i had to tell someone to go away!

GT: oh god.

GT: the trolls again?

GG: yup :o

GT: they have been such a pain in the ass lately.

GT: it seems like there are so many.

GT: there are either like fifty of these retards or it's one guy with a lot of alt accounts.

GG: ive never had any sort of feeling about them or what they want which is kind of weird!!!

GG: but it seems to me like they are probably all different people and not one guy

GG: i have counted twelve

GT: what do they want with us!!!

GG: some people just like to needle others for some reason john

GG: it is like a game i guess. they are like pranksters!!

GT: oh hell no, shittiest pranksters ever.

GG: but i think they are mostly harmless

GG: every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. its been going on for years! actually some of them are kind of funny i think hehe

GT: oh wow, what? years??

GT: ok, well i am sick of them.

GT: i've been thinking of changing my pesterchum handle to throw them off.

GT: so...

GT: i guess i'm gonna do that.

#homestuck #john egbert #jade harley #karkat vantas #homestuck act 4 #page 1525

[queenlua]

my tarot decks

someone on here (maybe @capriciouscorvid​?) asked to see my tarot decks the other day, and uh, turrns out my collection is quite expansive, and also i’m a shit photographer, but here’s a few of the decks i managed to take decent pictures of:

newest deck: white numen: a sacred animal tarot

this one just came in the mail today.  i like it so far; it’s the correct mix of traditional + more unusual symbology for my tastes, as well as the right balance between goofiness (its chariot is DELIGHTFUL) and more serious imagery.  and i like the animal focus in general <3

most expensive deck: you don’t want to know what i paid to get a secondhand Slow Holler deck.  it’s worth it; i treasure this deck like burning, but also, ouch.

anyway this deck was made by a collective of southern and/or queer artists and it heckin slaps.  the chariot alone!!! ahhh!!!!

workhorse deck: universal waite.  this is just the standard rider-waite tarot ,but someone recolored it to not look like ass.  it’s the easiest deck for me to read, and also, it cost like eight bucks, so if someone spills beer on it it’s no big deal. ergo i keep this one in my purse and use it all the time

(i’m on my second copy of this deck; the first copy got lost at a bar somewhere outside Magfest 2020.  i hope whoever stole it and/or stumbled on it is having lots of mystical fun with it)

most deviantart deck: lost forest tarot

i saw this one in a local game shop and couldn’t resist.  like.  doesn’t Judgment look metal as hell.  don’t the weird anime deer things look rad.  i love it

oldest deck: the wildwood tarot

god i love this deck.  it’s like, my other easiest deck to read, just because i’ve had it since like... high school? middle school? somewhere in there.  and it’s very much my aesthetic: nature-y but, like, not so much that it gets cheesy-lookin like a lot of Llewellyn stuff does.

other decks i own but am too lazy to photograph

* wild unknown tarot.  a very #aesthetic buy, but the symbology ended up being a little too sparse for my tastes

* dragon age tarot.  this one was also... an indulgence price point, lol.  i actually don’t like it much for reading—due to the nature of how it was made, some of the symbolism is really confusing/contradictory from traditional meanings, in ways that don’t feel deliberate/thought-out—but, like, it sure is dragon age, and i sure was fangirling hard in 2015, so

* modern witch tarot.  a pretty traditional deck (in terms of picture contents, symbology, etc), BUT instead of rando medieval dudes, it’s all hip-hoppin lookin modern witches with iphones and laptops and such.  it’s fun!  it’s not really quite my personal aesthetic, but, this one seems really popular when i’m doing readings for people, and how much the other person likes the deck has a lot to do with how the reading turns out, so i reach for this one pretty often

* crystal unicorn tarot.  it’s another very traditional deck, BUT instead of rando medieval dudes it’s all unicorns.  fantastically charming.  EVERYTHING IS UNICORNS

* tarot of the divine.  newish deck; i haven’t played with it enough to have a solid opinion

* raven’s prophecy tarot.  i bought this one on an impulse and mostly regretted it.  the illustrations just aren’t to my taste.

annnnd back at my parent’s house i’ve also got:

* tarot of reincarnation.  it’s a deck so fantastically unconventional that i never know what to make of it, but i love it.

* philip k dick tarot.  i bought this at a used bookstore right before a halloween party, because i was getting drunk with high school friends but i’d left my tarot deck back on the west coast what the fuck.  this deck, as it turns out, is utterly incomprehensible, which honestly tracks with the whole “philip k dick” thing, and thus i failed utterly to actually drunkenly read anyone’s fortunes, but i’m extremely glad i have this extremely weird thing in my parent’s attic

god.  why do i have thirteen tarot decks.  that’s just an excessive number of decks.

but yeah that’s the collection!

#tarot #oh god and i just remembered i've got another one IN THE MAIL ON ITS WAY TO ME AS I TYPE #so many. #that one's going to be absolutely worth it though.

[jinxthequeergirl]

149 days & The Grieving Stage

Steve harrington x hopper!reader

Summary: things hurt but luckily you have people to help.

Song choice: Ease my mind by Ben platt

Warning: swearing/ angst

I also kinda wanted to make this a part of "unseen things" but I'm obviously probably not gonna work on that cause it sucked but enjoy this anyways

~~~~~

You and El both tumbled out of the car as quickly as you could and raced to your friends.

You where especially excited to see Steve again. He wrapped you in a hug and supn you around. "Hey dingus, don't hog her!" you grinned pulling away to met robin. "You've been keeping an eye on him?" you mumbled into her hair, you could feel her chuckle as he pulled you away holding you out at arms reach.

"There isn't really much to keep an eye on...you know he's crazy about you, plus he's awful at the flirting thing." You both laughed and could feel Steve come up beside you taking you from her grasp.

"Be careful steve, she's miss steal your girl." you joked leaning into him. He simply rolled his eyes and wrapped his arms around you.

"Watch where you put your hands on my daughter, Harrington!" you both turned and spotted hopper pull up in his car.

"Holy shit..." you breathed you freed yourself from Steve's hold and watched el run towards him. Tears welled in your eyes as you watched them hug.

And from the back of your head you instantly remembered everything you where trying so hard to forget About that night. The overall fear and pain from that night, waiting in the ambulance with El and steve, waiting and hoping that by any sort of mirical it would be over and hopper and Joyce would make there way back to so everything would be normal.

But instead you got Joyce who gave you and your sister both a look from over wills shoulder that took all that hope and crushed it.

And now here he was. That stupid patterned shirt he insisted on calling "cutting edge", a huge smile, one you had to admit you hadn't seen in a while. And all you could do was stand there and stare at him. El pulled away looking back at you with the same excited grin and moved away a little making room for you.

And within an instatant you went racing towards him collapsing in his arms, so much so he stumbled a bit upon catching you in his arms before falling to your knees. You instantly felt your self sob into his shoulder murrmering things that you didn't even understand. You chocked out more tears as his hold on you tightened a little, finding hard to keep any sort of breath do your wheezing.

"Kid, kid, it's ok, everything is fine, deep breaths." You pulled your head from his shoulder and looked at him. He cupped your face in his hand rubing away tears with his thumb. "I...I...though...thought...thought You where...where..." you couldn't even mutter out the last sours before you coughed out another cry. He only nodded in response giving you a sympathetic look.

"I know...it's ok...it's all over now..." you wrapped your arms around him again. "Its all over...you can live life again." You nodded into his shoulder blinking away tears until you finally shut your eyes and relaxing in his hold.

You blinked your eyes again suddenly feeling the loss of warmth around you, you opened your eyes full taking in everthing around you and sighing lightly.

The moonlight filled your new room do to not owning any curtains yet. Or maybe Joyce had some and they hadn't been unpacked yet. Your bed was pushed up against one of the wall's with a small night stand that held a few things, a dresser was pushed against the opposite wall, really it wasn't much yet. You stared at the ceiling taking note of the glow in the dark stars the previous owner of the room had left.

Do to the moon light they wheren't doing much, but they still kept your mind off of what had just happened. Until finally they didn't and you broke.

You let a real sob wrack through your body and tears spill as you did your hardest to bite your lip and keep quiet making sure not to wake the other four members in the house.

You brought your fists to your eyes and held them there until explostions of color where the only thing you saw behind your eye lids, you could feel the mattress beneath you along with your cheeks and chin become soked as tears scilently continued to fall.

After what had felt like hours of tossing and turning in bed, crying off and on again. You finally sat up on the edge taking one of the two blankets on your bed and wrapping yourself up in it before crossing the room to the dresser.

Your eyes hurt and your feet where now cold from the wooden floor under you. You grabbed the phone from onto of it ignoring the picture frame you had purposefully facing down and sat in the little book in your window, you cracked it open inorder to obtain fresh air and started dialing the number.

You sat there for a few moments letting it ring, and ring, and ring, you stared out the window into the moonlit backyard.

Joyce told you when you moved in that maybe the three of you girls could go to the local garden center and pick out a few plants and stuff to start a garden back there.

You where suddenly yanked from the thought as a clearly exhausted voice filled your ear. "Hello?"

You took a shaky breath and turned from the window to look down at the phone cord. "Hey Harrington..." you finally breathed.

"Y/n? Are you ok? What happened?" you could hear the sleep in his voice vanish with every question along with the shuffle of bedsheets. "I..." you stopped to clear your throat. "I'm just holding you to that promise you made before we left...it's not to late is it?"

Before you moved steve made the promise that no matter the time, the issue, the want he would answer the phone and be there for you.

That was the same day you missed your chance to tell him you loved him. And that you had since God knows when. Instead you cried barrelly able to get a "I'll miss you." out.

You reached over to your night stand and grabbed the alarm clock to check the time in the light. 1:40.

You mentally cursed yourself as you set it back down and leaned back. "No not at all what's up?"

"Just...just a nightmare..." You combed a finger through your hair and sighed. "I'm sorry...was it about-"

"No it..it was different this time..."

He humme. "Care to talk about it?"

"I..it's late I just wanted a little comfo-"

"No, no, hey I'm up now so you have to tell me." you chuckled and took a breath.

"Y/n?" you licked your lips before answering. "I saw...him..."

"Who?"

"My...my dad." you croaked looking back out the window.

"Shit...y/n I'm so sorry...I..." he trailed off attempting to find the words to comfort you. You only laughed when you realised it. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing...nothing. Just you always where just the worst at these kinda things."

He gasped a little and you could only imagine him placing a hand over his heart dramatically. "Wow no matter how far away you still manage to hurt me y/n." You laughed again.

"It's times like these I wonder-"

"Why the hell I'm your friend?" you asked do ishing his scentence.

"Yea." he replied. Steve sat at the edge of his bed, phone tucked between his shoulder and ear all the while he held a photo he stole from your photo album.

His heart swelled a little just looking at it. You where happy, happier than you have been lately. And he looked at you in that picture with the same goofy grin he was wearing now.

"Steve?" he jumped at the voice instantly putting the photo down. "Did you fall asleep over there?"

He lied back down. "No...not at all...I wouldn't dream of it."

You smiled softly. "How are the kids?...and robin?.." you asked.

"The little shit's are fine...they miss the three of you a hell of a lot, speaking of which you should be gettinging something in the mail soon."

"Oh?"

"Yea...you've been gone a month and we decided to wip something up for you guys."

"What is it? You asked curiously."

"Can't say...don't wanna spoil the surprise."

"Right I forgot Mr. Steve "the surprise king" Harrington."

He rolled his eyes but mustered a smile. "Whatever."

There was a beat of scilents Before you spoke again. "I miss you Steve..."

"Hey, I miss you too....but you'll be here for Christmas soon enough."

"Steve that's so long..."

"No...149 days to be exact...it'll fly by and before you know it you'll be back in Hawkins."

"You've been counting?"

"Of course I have." you hummed and again went quiet for a moment.

"Listen there's something...something I've been meaning to tell you.."

"Oh yea?" you opened your mouth but the words refused to come out.

How difficult was it to just say it? Why no matter what the words never fully formed on your tounge. You sighed. "You know what never mind...it can wait.."

"How long?" he asked clearly anxious. "149 days to be exact...it's better if i tell you then."

"Oh c'mon at least give me a hint?" You shook your head with a smile. "No...I wouldn't wanna spoil the surprise." you joked. He laughed making your heart jump." just swear to not find someone to replace me within that time frame."

"I swear. No one would even come close to you." You smiled softly. "Uh listen thanks for taking my mind off of things....you should probably get some sleep....I promise to call in the morning if anything happens."

"Just call no matter what."

"Ok...goodnight shit head."

"Night loser."

You hung up the phone and sat there for a while. Letting things pan over in your head.

Your mind was finally off of your dad for a little bit. And you though about how you said you would tell him at Christmas and wondered of you even meant that, you wondered if he really meant the last thing he said about not finding anyone else.

"Knock knock..." you looked over to your door and found Joyce peeking in.

"Hey...what are you doing up?" you asked turning so your feet touched the cold floor.

"I could ask you the same...another nightmare?"

"Yea...something like that.." she let her self in shutting the door and leaned against the dresser. "How do you not...not have nightmares?...I mean you where right there..."

"Well I never said I didn't..." She said picking up the picture frame and looking at it.

"How do you keep it together then?"

She glanced at you but kept her eyes on the picture for a moment. "Someone's gotta be strong for You kids..." she took the picture and made her way over to you sitting down.

"You don't have to be all the time."

She nodded. "I know...but life had been so rough on you guys already...it helps." You leaned your head on her shoulder and looked at the picture frame in her hands.

"I don't remember these." she said looking at it with you. In the frame was a photo of you do and your dad, tucked outside of it was a picture of you Steve and robin.

You smiled pointing to the one of you and hopper. "The night me and el went to the snow ball...I told him it was an important night for all of us and we had to remember it. He fought me on it but eventually gave in."

She smiled.

"What about this?"

"That was the day we moved...johnathan wanted to make sure I had something good to remember them both by...I miss them all so..so much..." you mumbled.

"I know..."

"Will it ever...not hurt?" you asked sniffiling.

"No...not Right away...just give it a little time..." she placed the picture frame on the bed stand.

"I think you should get some sleep...sleep in extra long if you need."

She kissed your forhead before you got up and walked over to your bed. "Y/n..." you and Joyce both looked up and saw El come in with puffy red eyes that matched your own. You opened your blankets and she quickly made her way over and fell into bed next to you.

"Hey it's ok...it was just a dream..." you kissed her head and Joyce quietly left the room letting you two get some sleep.

#stranger things x reader #steve harrington x reader

[carlajean12]

POCKET BOOK

' BESTFRIEND '

Carla Jean Timoteo

"Thankyou for the letter, Mr. Mailman" My brother Damon greeted and the mailman smiled and walked away to deliver letters in the neighborhood.

I walked towards my brother and get the letter. I went up straight to my room and excitedly open the letter. I am greeted by the scent of the paper used. It smells like a fresh chamomile.

My Dearest Selena,

Hi Selena i've been busy with my study lately. I had a really great day today until one of my professors, scolded me for being late at school. Anyways, i've missed writing letters for you. I hope you are doing fine and I hope you'll reply to my letter take care.

-Sky de Vera

Sky is a boy i met online, 6 months ago. He is from New York. I've never seen him in personal. I just saw his pictures he usually talk online but he prefers sending me letters that makes me so happy all the time. I keep on smiling the whole day. My heart is so flattered by the letter that sky given me. He's so sweet by his word he seems so very lonely and gentleman. Suddenly my mind was filled of doubt's what if his only a poser using other name and other picture.

"Hello brother where's mom and dad?" Asking my brother while walking toward the dining area.

"On a date?" He answered with a shrug.

I rolled my eyes and eat silently. After eating i went straight to the bathroom and took a bath. I read the letter that sky have given me once more and get some scented paper to answer the letter .

I am blushing while writing the letter. I crumpled the paper and wrote again, the words was just so cheesy and i should act like Maria Clara. I wrote one more time, writing like professional that it would never give him a motive that i like him too. I smiled after keeping the letter amd went to sleep and enjoy my remaining vacation.

I woke up early and took a bath. I went to the dining area and eat with my family.

"Goodmorning, Selena" my mom greeted.

"Goodmorning, Mom. How's your date with dad?" I asked. I was confused on how my mom looks when i asked her that. She looks pale

"W-well, it went g-good" she answered stammering. I just nodded and smiled. I continued eating while they are talking about bussiness.

I check the time and it's already 9:35am in the morning. I excuse myself because im going to mail officer to deliver my letter to sky. I went out with my small Hermes bag and took a cab.

I was on my way when i passed to a group of kids selling a rose. The kids felt my presence and they run towards me. I smiled and bought all of it and pay them a hundred dollars.

"Keep the change" I smiled.

"Your so kind Ms. and your --- beautiful" said the taller kid. I smiled ang wave them.

"Goodmorning Ms." the body guard greeted and smile. I went to the counter and gave the letter to the staff.

After that, I went to the nearest mall and my eyes caught a crowd of girls. I rolled my eyes and continue walking; suddenly I bumped into something hard and smelled a hypnotizing perfume.

My senses comeback and I realized that it's a man with a sunglasses and a cap and he's wearing a plain tshirt and a khaki shorts.

"Excuse me Ms." the man said and continue walking without saying anything .

I realized that he is the one being surrounded by girls and I saw the murmuring and rolling their eyes on me. I just shrug my shouldee and continue walking while still thinking at the guy I just bumbed with, he looks like someone I know.

After buying some stuff, I took a cab and went home. I was about open the door when I heard mom and dad , it seems like they are fighting, I immediately open the door and their faces turned on me with a surprise look.

"Are u two fighting" I asked. Mom immediately comes near me and hug me. I hug mom back and I heard her sobbing. "We're so sorry, Selena, We can't be togethee anymore. Me and your dad are having a divorce". She talked while facing me and held my shoulder.

I felt a tear of drop in my eyes. I'm surprise and I can't say anything but "Why?" Mom hugged me again "I'm really sorry selena. Remember when you said how's my date with your dad? We weren't having a date we are working the papers for our divorce. I love you and Damon, but i can't take this anymore. Your dad has a mistress and she is pregnant. I'm so sorry" She said while sobbing.

After the revelations and explanations. I went to my room and cry. I thought my dad loves my mom so much. How dare he for having a mistress and got her pregnant and he really have the guts to go home.

NO!

This isn't a home after what happened.

I opened my laptop and message Sky, thankfuly he's online. I saw a lot of messages from him. I said, I'm sorry and he replies. I told him about what happend and he was worried about me. I felt so sleepy and closed my eyes.

I woke up early and read the messages from sky. I took a bath and stay on my room and open my Arena of Valor. I started playing for about how many hours. After playing, I went to the kitchen and I felt my heart tightened because there are no other people than me. Maybe they are busy processing the divorce paper and my brother must be on work. I cooked lucheon and egg for my breakfast and eat alone.

Suddenly the door bell rangs. I open the gate and saw a smiling mailman giving a letter for me, I smiled and accepted it. I walk towards my room and read the letter; my heart suddenly beats so fast as i open it. I was greeted again with a scented paper and read it.

I am smilling form ear to ear after reading. I hope I'll meet him someday. He's going to be the one I can rely on, my savior and the one I can feel comfortable.

I realized it's been a month since i message d my bestfriend . She's on a vacation right now and she didn't even inform me on me what's happening about her.

I dialed her number , and I've tried calling her 2 times and she wasn't answering it. Hays i need you clair.

It's been 6 months and my relationship with sky is still developing. How i wish i could see him. I suddenly felt my heart and i realized I love him already.

I open my phone and message Sky. He replied and we continued chatting that i didn't realize that it's getting late and I need to wake up early, today is the last day of vication. I'm having my class tomorrow.

I went to our classroom and thank god our proffesor hasn't arrived yet.I seat and Erin came closer to me.

"Hello Selena" Erin said.

"Hello" I answered. She nodded and smile. She sits beside me and puts cosmetics in her face.

After class, I went to the cafeteria with my bestfriends Claire and Nazi; we weren't classmate because we have different courses.

We took our food and eat, took selfies and I send it to sky. After eating we went out next subject. After my class, i text Claire that im going home early.

I opened my phone sky messaged me, I was surprised on what he said. I jumped in excitement because of the euphoria that i felt at that moment.

Finally, we're going to meet in personal. Im so happy that i can't remove the smile on my face.

He told me that he is going here nextweek.

It's been a week and this is it, today is the day at look at the clock , oh my gosh its almost noon!

I stand near the entrance my eyes searched for him and i waved my hand. He smiled widely and ran to me when something really horible happend.

A man started shooting randomly and pointed the gun at me. I saw sky running as fast as he could toward me and calling out my name. That next i knew was that sky hugging me and I hugged back i knew there was something wrong at i felt something sticky on my finger. The two of us on the floor, his head on my lap. I cried for help but no one was paying attention.

"Don't you die on me, Sky! I won't let that happen" I yelled him. He weakly reached and touched my face. He forced a smile and tears streamed down form his eyes. "Selena, I saw you at last "

"Just-just hang on. I'll-i'll call for help" he gently pulled my hand, forcing me to stay. "Just ... stay ... Here i don't want you to die".

"I don't want you to die either "

He flashed another smiled at me and out from his pocket khaki envelope and smiled "You should read this okay? Swear that you'll never forget me"

"Don't talk like that"

"Just swear to me, please" I sighed heavily and I heard plead.

"I swear" after his said, his eyes shut and he stopped breathing.

"SKY? SKY? Don't leave me!! Please don't leave me" Then medical team came aiding the victim. Sky didn't revive.

I went home after the accident. I open my room and i open the letter sky has given me.

Hey Selena

I just want to tell you how glad I am to met you. May life changed since the day we started to talk and writing each other. I was really happy when you trusted me with your secrets and seeing advices from me to solve your problems. You're a nice person, a good friend; and we have the same interest. Take care your self always, Selena.

- Sky De Vera

I cried for almost an hour its too late for the two of us. He proved his loved by taking that bullet for me. If it weren't for gun man. There could have been a happy life. I lost the one I loved the one I loved for almost year. I started at Sky's photos. I muttered "Sky, I won't forget you; I promise" How I wish I've seen him before.

This story i've imagine before will stay as my dream. If only i could turn back time but everything is too late.

Pre test

1. What is chamomile?

a. Perfume b. Flow c. Tea

2. Which word is similar to lucheon?

a. Luch b. Miryenda c. Meal

3. How did her parents seperate because of?

a. Financial Problem b. Mistress c. Bussines Tour

4. What is europhia means?

a. Feeling b. Secret c. Advice

5. When she hug sky, what she felt?

a. Sweat b. Bag c. Blood

Post test

1. How much she paid for the flower?

2. Who is the main character?

3. What is the name of her brother?

4. Who is the first person talk when selena have a family problem?

5. Where did sky die?

6. What can you say about the story?

7. How they met selena and sky?

8. What happen to her mom and dad?

9. Where sky live?

10. Who is marga's friends?

[ronracer]

Yo,

I have never doubted my feelings towards anyone I have told I love them. And outside of going a little beyond my means to make them smile I've never had to prove how much I truly love them....

But I've been dealing with this company BasicInvite.com

Screwing up our Save the Dates... And watching my fiancee tear up enraged me to a level I never knew... Like I love her so much and on such a primal level that just half tears in her eyes

Let's back up a bit.

Wedding Planning Pt2: invitations

I'm kinda jumping ahead of a bit but im pissed rn so we'll circle back around to the cute fun stuff of this topic. I'm sure by now you all have seen our bomb ass engagement photos. We loved them so much we wanted to use them as our save the dates!

We ordered our save the dates through this company. Being the life-long procrastinators we have chosen to be admittedly we sat on this longer than need be. So we Paid extra for the faster shipping. We get all giddy and excited because it's just one more step towards our new lives. Of course she goes to check on it first ... But the tracking number we received was not working. Called customer service and TREVOR explained that somehow our save the dates were lost!!

Some shit about the post office not scanning the box or something. Now they are a small business, probably have one person taking mail. Part of me felt like they just forgot to put the box in the mail. None of that mattered though. We NEED these save the dates ASAP.

He assured us he was print us new ones and they would be shipped out immediately and they would refund me The extra shipping cost. I lightheartedly tell him The misses will kill me cuz The was my task so don't worried about refunding the money and if we have to pay more to get same day shipping we'll do that. Apparently they can't do same day shipping which makes no damn sense but whateva. The next morning the original package mysteriously  gets an update on the tracking number. Interesting... But regardless Trevor said he would send us a new set. Then we get an email. They TOO have noticed movement on the package and now will WAIT and see before they send a new set.

Um..

..No. We explain to them that we could not afford to wait, which is why we paid extra for the shipping anyway. I asked again for Trevor. He said they understood and would go ahead making the second batch. They were just "letting me know"... Ok... A day goes by and we reach out again because we havent got a tracking number for the second batch. They tell us that the second batch did not pass its quality control inspection and now they have to print a THIRD batch which would take another 3 days!!! They said the good news was that it looked like the original batch would be there the next day anyways. Upon hearing this my sweet little future wife begins tear up off pure frustration. Because honestly, and tell us if we wrong, but it really felt like our original assumptions about them just forgetting to mail the first box was correct. And now they are dragging us along until it shows up so they don't have to make a new box...

Am I wrong?

At this moment my patience had worn out.

I demanded to have this new batch made and shipped the same day because at this point we had wasted too much time to get a refund and go anywhere else. They gave me some b.s. about having a contract with USPS and can't do same day. I demanded to speak to a higher up which i was denied.

Fuck that.

You see the unseen problem small businesses have is that They rely too much on their own social media. So finding the CEO was only a click away.

And I sent him a lengthy FB msg

After that They assured me I would be getting my package that day and give me a full refund. Of course I had heard this three times already. I told them I would NOT get off the phone until my packing is literally in the hands of the postman and I get an email SAYING it was shipped. I'm not kidding you guise. I put the phone on speaker at work at say there with them for 5hours.

They actually sent a picture of the box on the truck and then tried to hang up on me! Hold up. No. I said I needed both the picture AND update on the tracking. Not just being a dick about the situation but if we all remember in the beginning how this all started was them saying "the mail man must have forgotten to scan it..." So you will WAIT with me as I refresh until it says on the way. But I felt bad for the poor girl on the phone, syd I think her name was. So I said this is Trevors fault put his ass on the phone.

There was a strange silence then she says he's out of the office... I really hate when people try and play you like we haven't all worked customer service and managers have given us the I'm not here face

I asked when he would be back and she says she can't give me his schedule. I then tell her if I have to call back for him the civility of this interaction, which was already at a low point, will be null. Further more I have enough sky miles to fly to Utah in the morning if I have to.... By this time the tracking has updated... She tries again to get off the phone. I say where's Trevor.. Oh he has magically reappeared.

Sounding annoyed by having to talk he immediately goes into this bland ingenuine corporate apology. BUT instead of apologizing on behalf of BasicInvite.com this foo says he stands by the quality and service of BasicInvite.com and he apologizes for USPS!?

Bruh...

How you gonna be so self absorbed you gonna blame the Untied States government.

Even if it's true they messed up the first box, which I still don't think they did. What about the 2nd box? Why did I have to curse two poor customer service reps out for you to figure out how to do same day shipping? He then tells me he thought maybe we were trying to get something for free

I went ALL the way off.

I said several times I didn't care about the money for these cheap ass save the dates I wanted the save the dates! I even suggested paying extra. So where in the fuck you get the idea I'm trying to get over?.. He hung up. I called back and got poor syd answers. I say put Trevor on the phone she again says he's not taking calls. I told her I will call everyday for the rest of this year until Trevor or Brock takes my call and gives me a real apology.

They truly had no idea who They just crossed.

I called everyday And only saying hello can I speak to Trevor til They blocked me. I then used the website chat. They blocked my IP from going to their website, then gave me a refund. I went to Starbucks used two pcs and vpns til they had to install a new chat service that could block instantly. Still all I said was hello I need to speak to Trevor. Finally getting a formal cease and desist email I stopped.Trevor you should thank your god that my god put a woman in my life with some sense because I was really prepared to torture you for the rest of my living days.

So now I have double the save the dates and nothing to do with them. If It were up to me I'd burn the whole lot of them post the video on IG and tag BasicInvite.com

Anyone out there listening please do not use these people. I should have known from the name they some basic bitches.

#lol #personal #wtf #im getting married #wedding #wedding planning #wedding invites #savethedate #wedding invitations #basic invties