#oh fuck its christmas fuckfuckfuckfuck

[spade-club]

Im overwhelmed and im coming to believe theres a lot of shit going on. I feel really overwhelmed. Just learned in this exact moment that we got drunk recently. Allegedly was not a good idea. Theres a person in our life that if I knew more about id be ripping my teeth out in pain and embarrassment, I can just feel it. Our social battery is so full lately its been fueling some wild decisions. I want to lay in bed forever and rot away. My head is killing me. Trauma has been flying around us. Theres no good news. Nothing to console me. Just listening to music and calmly freaking out over it all because I dont know anything thats going on. I feel like im being subdued. I dont feel upset but I also feel awful. I dont feel anything though. Its weird. This bed isnt as comfortable as my old one...

#-mj #rereading this after I was done typing and I forgot literally everything I said immediately #I dont... understand what all is happening here #im going to fall asleep now I think... #might be whats best for everyone right now. #I want to talk to my friends but I think sleep is more important #I feel like I havent slept in months... #im so used to doing it every day. i mean me specifically falling asleep. #hm... dormancy.... weird... #doesnt feel like youd expect #there was no void or awareness of time lost or anything #just everything flew by and I cant keep track of it #suddenly its now and not then #oh fuck its christmas fuckfuckfuckfuck #okay thats its own problem I'll have to deal with #so glad Midnight has been around I know he's good at handling family shit #brain probably did that on purpose #brain probably threw me back now for a reason too... ugh #oh woah an Arctic monkeys song just came on and I guess thats not my band anymore??? it felt weird and wrong #I guess someone else claimed them now #weird... so much is happening #I would like to learn about new people and changes but I have a feeling no one was keeping track in my absence #such is the way #hopefully I'm back for a while I feel so weird having been gone #plus I have so much work to do!! #omg wait we. hold on #I was going to get excited about our new therapist because I think we have a real session soon #and thats going to be good for me if I get to stay #but I would like to address the *omg* ???? #when did we start saying THAT???