#of her and i gotta just like rewire my brain but it’s like my surroundings are so cruel for constantly making me think of her

[munamania]

i feel like. i really do need to try to just get over this and not keep hoping it works out based on. anything. and it sucks because i like her so much. i like her smile and i like her voice and i like listening to her talk about anything and i like how she likes to organize and i like her showing off her little business lessons and today i saw some little moles on her cheek and went :( that’s so cute and i like her grandpa socks and her hands and. ugh. i really like her laugh and when she looks at me and she’s leaning forward laughing i could like combust fully. and i really really wish it was easier to not like her. 😖 ok diary entry rant over

#film girl saga #i’m seeing her friday. i invited her to come hang with some other film ppl too if she’s free and well. #i doubt she’ll be there. she was like oh idk if anything’s going on we’ll see maybe! and like. yeah ok maybe #but i just feel like this is my last time i should uh. throw anything out there particularly if she never does the same yk #and well. while she does talk to me and whatever like. what if i really am just the weirdo film class person she talks to. #fair enough to have entertaining classes but never rlly. wanting to go beyond that #sigh. it just sucks. like whether i’ve been delusional all this time or not having to just. try to not think abt it is so hard #because i do look forward to every monday to see her #and even if i wanted to forget her. jesus everyone i meet lately has her name or it comes up somehow or something else happens and i think #of her and i gotta just like rewire my brain but it’s like my surroundings are so cruel for constantly making me think of her #when i have to just accept that. she had a boyfriend. she may very well be very happy with him. she might be straight! #and i’ve spent soooo long just. thinking something is here. something feels right. and i might just have been massively mistaken. lol #and i’m alone in sitting here thinking about how much i enjoy spending time with her. because she has him. and other people #lol. whatever #she didn’t say oh if nothing else is going on shshshd that would suck she was just like Oh yk! maybe. ya ok..

[andkaboodle]

Gettin’ Happy!

Smashing this post out in a half an hour because I haven’t written anything in months and it’s hard for someone like me to go this long without sharing personal details about my life... but I also want to pick up my kids soon! #noshame

Where I Was At!

I punched my husband in the face a few months ago. It’s the longest story ever. It wasn’t justifiable. He forgave me the very next morning. We dealt with the underlying issues and we moved on.

But it really made me take a step back and wonder if I was where I wanted to be in life. I had all the right ingredients to make this amazing dish but I kept ending up with sludge that tastes funny. I have beautiful children, a loving husband, a decent house, so why was I getting to the breaking point of violence?

*Enter: YouTube!*

I started researching what it was I was missing in myself and ended up noticing that I had no tangible goals. I started watching YouTube videos on manifestation, meditation and law of attraction and realised that yes, I had the basic, vague aspirations of a ‘good life’ and making ‘enough money’, but what did I really want. All these different videos were leading the same headlines: Know exactly what you want. Work out how to get it. Go for it.

So what did I want? To be happy? Sure. To not yell at the kids all the time? Please. To not punch my husband (or anybody) ever again? Duh.

So I started meditating daily, pushing my bitchy thoughts to the back of my head, ignoring any negative comments that came my way and putting on a big old smile, no matter what.

I had three emotional breakdowns in one week before Jarrod pointed out that I was doing it all wrong. He dried my tears, gave me a cuddle and somehow gave me the best pep talk of my life using only Electrician analogies.

He told me that I was pretty much rewiring my brain to be happier. So I can’t just go into an existing house and put up new, prettier lights and just never turn on the old, shitty ones. There’s going to be faults, maybe a few fuses blown here and there.

He also pointed out that I don’t have a Sparky’s bone in my body and I needed to study the rewiring of my brain a little more before I can expect switchboard to run properly...

...or something. Anyway, I understood the point enough for it to be the most comforting, motivating and understanding thing he’s ever said to me.

The Rewiring of My Brain

I started to make little compromises with myself in the hope of slowly phasing out almost all negativity in my mind. Instead of yelling at the kids and adding to whatever the chaos was, I tried to calm them down enough so that Addi could explain to me why she’s upset or Herbie could settle enough to realise he’s still got a biscuit in the other hand.

As for things that go wrong in my day to day life, I still complain about them. But now I either see how it could be worse or I try to find a way to fix it. And more importantly: when it’s done, it’s done. I let go of whatever made me upset as soon as it’s out of my system.

For example, one of my breakdowns just before Jarrod’s almighty speech, was because a very frustrating lady at work (she was a student doing her placement) kept telling my coworkers and I how to do our job. It was infuriating to say the least, especially since she was meant to be there to learn from us.

Because I didn’t yet know how to deal with it and I thought my new lifestyle meant ‘just be happy anyway’, the anger built up and up and I basically exploded when J asked how my day was when I got home that night.

The next week when I saw her, I thought about how it could be worse: She was only there for one more week and then I’d never have to talk to her again. It made me grateful that she wasn’t a permanent staff member that I’d have to deal with daily. It was enough to get me through without crying out of frustration and I truly had a better week because of it.

Manifesting

My new favourite word! I say it at least once a day. My little Addi-parrot says it because she hears me say it so much. I love the concept of manifesting your dream life into a reality and how it’s so very open to interpretation. Watching all the different vlogs on this subject shows how versatile the meaning can be to each person.

For me, my favourite analogy was the one from Earth Mama Medicine as she described it like tuning into the radio station you want. She explained that if you didn’t like pop music, you wouldn’t listen to a pop station. You would tune into a punk rock station or an alternative station - whatever you’re into.

The same goes for the frequency in life. Everything is made up of vibrations and to find the ‘station’ you want, you have to tune your radio to get there. If you want a happier outlook on life, you need to surround yourself with people and things that make you happy. You need to let go of what doesn’t make you happy.

I can’t quite get on that whole ‘if you hate your job, quit!’ train just yet. I mean, we still gotta pay the bills. But make your job a place you love! Notice what’s good about it. Does your lunch spot have an amazing view? Does your coworker bring you snacks? Is your pay decent? Woohoo! 

I could look at my job as a shitty 5am wake up where I have to drag my kids to the car before they’re awake properly and deal with poopy nappies and screaming babies all day.

ORRRRRRRRRR

I can look at it as a growing career where I get to care for the cutest bubs and help them hit some of their biggest milestones; nourishing them onto a path of a lifetime of respect and happiness ALL while having my own kids just down the hall and getting to watch them grow every single day too!

It’s all about perspective.

Since I’ve changed my perspective on my own life and what I want out of it, my days genuinely seem brighter. I now have a physical list of monthly goals - some seemingly a bit out of my reach but somehow I keep getting there. Addi and Herb have now started listening to me more and learning to control their own emotions. And Jarrod and I are now this crazy power couple that haven’t had a noteworthy argument in weeks.

It all sounds very hippy and ‘chiiiill duuuude’ and maybe the Kit we all knew a few months ago would have rolled her eyes at it all. But like I said to myself at the start: what have you got to lose?

#theokayestmum