#not to point fingers or make assumptions but some insidious cases of abuse will have the victim internalizing the blame | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cummunication · 6 years

Text

Don’t do me any favors

Many men hold their heads high due to the fact they never hit a girl. They feel a sense of pride & superiority because they’re not like “those guys.” Guys walk around, thinking they’re God’s gift, all because they can say “I don’t hit women.” As if not hitting women is good enough. Don’t do me any favors fellas… Not hitting girls is great, and yes I obviously care if you have. But do we applaud people if say, they've never robbed a bank? No, because it’s common sense. If you’re reading this, and you have deliberately shoved, slapped, smacked, hit, punched, kick, threatened to hurt, threatened with a weapon, refrained from escaping, repeatedly made her uncomfortable on purpose in any physical manner, then you, my friend were physically abusive. One form of abuse is not worse or better than the other. They are all unacceptable but sadly, physical violence is the only punishable type. I ask myself if our society is conditioning more males to grow up and be dominant, not take no for an answer, be egotistical and aggressive, or if it’s in their very nature. I have faith not all men are naturally controlling, rough and power seeking. But I was highly disturbed when a study was done and the question was asked “if you could rape a woman with nobody finding out, and no circumstances” the majority of men said yes. I know countless amazing men and am in no way dissing them. Yet as an activist for intimate partner violence, mental health advocate and feminist, this needs to be addressed. I do not believe all men are bad, or abusive. I blame a large part of it on culture which tells men to not be “pussys” and take charge, constantly bombarding us with music that refers to women as bitches and hoes. Let’s not forget the videos, movies, porn and ads that seem to normalize sexually violent behavior. At the same time, lack of education plays a huge role in this epidemic. Since we are usually only shown one side of rape and domestic violence, we become ignorant and in denial these problems could impact us. The first thing that comes to mind when you think of rape is a man jumping out of a bush attacking a stranger; usually a female in provocative clothing. She then gets blamed and asked, why were you drinking? Why were you walking alone? Why were you wearing that? Why does it matter? If a guy was drinking, doing drugs, walking home alone at night etc would anyone question him? Does it make a difference? Nobody deserves this. Not a person, no matter their gender. Just because I had sex with you last week, doesn’t necessarily mean I want to this week, or again at all. Just because we started having sex, doesn’t mean I’m required to finish. People have the right to change their mind. It’s that simple. Simultaneously, when we think of dating violence, more often than not we get an image of a woman with a black eye. We ask, why didn’t she just leave? Why did she stay? She deserves it or should’ve saw it coming. People who say this are simply uneducated. We’ve all been there, making assumptions because, well, stereotypes; thinking we know something when in actuality, we don’t. You can never truly know the extent of what someone’s feeling, unless you have experienced it also. Domestic violence is less of an issue of “why did they stay?” or “they must like it if they put up with it” and more a matter of brainwashing. (look up trauma bonding) This brings me to my point, “if you’re not going to beat me, don’t do me any favors.” Beating someone isn’t the only way you can abuse them. You can still be an abuser if you’ve NEVER put your finger on someone. Truthfully, from my own experience and what I’ve heard volunteering at a rape crisis center, verbal abuse is more insidious, painful and the effects are longer lasting. Personally, I would much rather a guy beat me senseless, before ever undergoing emotional abuse again. These forms of abuse are invisible, so nobody feels bad for you. Nobody knows what’s going on, except you. It’s like a slow form of being stoned to death & no one sees you suffering. What’s worse, the men in these relationships who are psychologically abusing their wives/girlfriends, think to themselves “at least I never laid my hands on her, I’m a great boyfriend.” No you’re not, you’re a pathetic piece of shit. When I disclosed to my ex that I was sexually assaulted, he reacted very poorly. Not only did he yell at me, but the next day when I was noticeably upset with him, he told me it was only because “he loved me that he got so angry I would let someone do that to me” Can you say victim blaming? He said he hates guys who hurt girls and wish he could meet the guy who did it, so he could kick his ass. I’m not particularly a masochist, but I despised the fact that most of our relationship, my ex didn’t hit me. I wanted him to. Before you go judging me, know that the majority of other domestic abuse survivors feel the same way. Not because we want a broken bone, but so we have evidence. So we don’t think it’s “all in our heads” & so we can prove to others that he isn’t what he seems. Abusers are typically charming, charismatic and well liked. Nobody knows what happens behind closed doors except their significant other. The fact my ex said this to me at the start of our relationship, made it even more difficult, since I figured I was overreacting & being too sensitive. Abusers want you to be convinced they’ve done nothing wrong. They are master manipulators. Being controlling, possessive, yelling at your partner, gas-lighting, calling them names, cursing at them, excessive jealously; are all forms of abuse. Not taking no for an answer, coercing someone, drugging or intoxicating them, pressuring them, making them feel bad if they say no; are all forms of sexual assault. Nobody is perfect, and sometimes we really are clueless to what we are doing. I’m not trying to make you feel like a terrible person if you’ve done one of these things. But I invite you to educate yourself & keep an open mind, because in the case of sexual abuse (like rape and assault) these crimes happen between friends, acquaintances, coworkers, more than with strangers. Be informed and know the facts so you can make better decisions and treat people around you, as well as yourself kinder. You are no better if you fat shame your gf/bf, than if you yanked them by the hair [this excludes consensual BDSM, if that’s what you’re into]. The main takeaway is to not listen to what people say & instead, pay attention to what they do. “Actions speak louder than words” could not be more true. “Real men don’t hit women” is a load of crap because as much as I may not like it, men hit women. I think the saying should be “good men don’t hurt women” or “a good man never abuses or tries to control a woman.” Same goes for “men who hit women are cowards.” Guess what ? Some men that don’t hit women are also cowards; they are toxic to their partners mental health & that can be just as dangerous. That goes for women too. Ladies, don’t think it’s okay to abuse a man. I know several men who have underwent abuse and it breaks my heart. Girls sometimes think they have the right to put their hands on a man because “they can take it”, but I highly disagree. There is no excuse for abuse. People try to make excuses “I was drunk, had a bad day, bad childhood.” Guess what, I’ve had all those things and I’m sure many of you did too, yet we don’t go around destroying others [consciously at-least]. If you or someone you know is being abused I suggest you call the-hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit www.ncadv.org to learn more about unhealthy relationships.

0 notes