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asmallbirdinmayy · 4 years

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I'm not sure why I haven't posted anything here yet since this world craziness started... Normally I would have bombarded it with posts everyday and such.

This social distancing is my life style, so I've been doing pretty okay better than most unfortunatly. Thank you Tumblr, and hours of scrolling for preparing me for this moment in time!

I've been filling my days with video games, reading and trying to force myself out for runs. I've helped my mum clean the house. (She has a bad back and would end up killing myself if I didn't go over every once in a while to help out)

I've also recently shaved my head! Finally, I've wanted to do it for years to see what I'd look like and to get rid of the years of dying it and hairstyle frustrations. I like it, but some days I get self conscious and don't end up going for runs. But maybe I'm just using that as an excuse and I'm just hella laazy!

It's a learning curve for sure, I've been reading a lot of philosophy lately and listening to the philosophize this podcast for the past year now so I've been trying to work on myself, thinking more and trying to meditate and gain self confidence and just be able to help myself help others. If that makes sense? Anyway, cutting off all your hair really helps practice Stoicism. There's no instant regrowth, and my hair takes longer to grow out than normal people.

I do love myself, a hella a lot more than I used to. There's nothing I wouldn't change, and I think that mind set alone has been what gets me out the door more often for runs and wanting to take care of my body and mind!!

I've also been cooking more, to save on money and because I'm not a huge advocate for waste being delivered to my door. I have had breakdowns however, I did it twice, I've ordered breakfast for myself to help me get up earlier and to get better coffee. Because the Maxwell can is not working out for me, and it's so gross, its taking me forever to get through it! I'll still drink it though, because, caffeine! Hello.

Back to cooking more! I've been mostly making mashed potatoes and what nots, but I'll occasionally make a vegan grilled cheese or have vegan hot dogs! I've made some pasta, quinoa and lately before bed I'll get a chia bowl ready to set while I sleep. That's pretty healthy and delicious. I've made terrible pancakes, I accidently got the whole wheat flour rather than the other stuff, soo that wasn't a fun mistake. Alas, no waste, so I have to make it into things!

I also signed up for a sustainable cities online course, lots of reading, but it was on sale. If anything it'll help me plan imaginary cities better in my head and I'll be able to put it on resumes. So level up?

I've re arranged my living room so I can easily switch between laptop and PlayStation without having to get up for any reason! +40 laziness. Aha. Fun.

Cats bombard with with attention and cuddles All. The. Damn. Time. I thought cats were supposed to not care and be independent and stuffs. Not my cats, noo. I wake up pinned, cat by my head, in the curve of my back and on my feet! If I'm laying on my back xews will be on my chest. Like hello! Let me breathe. They follow me to the bathroom, and to the couch! My couch is tiny, and all three of them find a little spot and take up all the space. It's hard to take notes! Anyway. I love them, I love their cuddles I'll never take them for granted and I'll always be like okai in the lap you go! It's nice playing a videogame with your cats stretching their paw onto your paw!. #catmum

Works been telling me the new opening day is July 3rd.. July 3rd two more months of this madness. I'm okay with it though, I'll hopefully finish the online course and get out for more runs! I've signed up the the social distancing run thing, I'm hoping to do a 10k for it!

Our government is all over the place about everything, and its making people crazy! There's lies, uncertainty questions unanswered. There's conspiracies left and right and I don't know which ones to believe. I mean some seem drastic and obviously crazier than others. I'm just not politically educated enough for this. But what if they're true to? I dunno, I've been watching a lot of things and reading stuff of history and stuffs and theirs some people that end up being corrected and proven right when people thought they were insane ? And yea people are just crazy and have their crazy thoughts. I dunno. I just want to have a back seat, and I mean my first and foremost fight is with nature, so my bias towards anything will be on how it affects the future of how we live with nature. If that makes sense? I could go on and on about this part, but this part makes me the most unwary and depressed honestly. I've been crying for days about this and where I stand, I've always been one to stand with the people. But which people? My brain hurts. I'm a sheep guys. I'm a sheep. I'm just a very lost sheeple.

People that I know from South Africa sent me a message saying that they were starving and asked for help, I wasn't sure what to do. I sent them some money, but I don't have much to give. I hope it'll be enough to get them by for a couple of days! I haven't heard from her since? So I don't know?

Anyways.

I haven't heard from my possibly future school yet about the upcoming semester and what to do, am I still able to go? Are they going to be opened by end of August? Will I be allowed to travel to another province? I'll wait till the end of May to send an email and find out! I am not doing that course online, I have a hard enough time motivating myself to do this current baby course. And I really want to do well in this course if I get there! It was a whole thing guys.

Before all this started I had started therapy, volunteering for the theater and taekwando. I'm really sad that i haven't been able to take part in these new hobbies. I had the chance to volunteer for the opening of the wizard of oz production before all the other shows at the theater got cancelled. It was amazing. Maybe I'll be able to do something similar while I'm in Vancouver. I only had one beginning trial class for taekwando, I'm slightly sad because by the time it reopens I'll probably be heading to Vancouver and won't be able to attend.

Cancelling therapy was the hardest, I had just started after years and years of being afraid to go for many reasons. I only got two sessions in before having to stop due to being laid off. But it's okay, because I still have my writing as my therapy. I end up asking the questions to myself while writing. I've read a lot of psychology, well not a lot, but a good amount. But the extra help and guidance was nice. I learned new terminology that applied to myself and my childhood and a couple other things that I'm able to sit back and acknowledge during meditations.

It was like I was finally getting out more, trying to fix myself, trying to go meet new friends and say hello to the world. And then the world was like nah. Back to social distancing! Kay, thaanks.

The last three or so days I've felt a little pull back into myself and I couldn't motivate myself lately. I think a large part of it was due to an argument I had with my mother, and the political drama that's been going on lately.

Wanting to go on runs or outside to enjoy the chilly sunny day has been a struggle, when it hasn't been I'm a while. I was playing ESO with a couple friends when all of a sudden all I wanted to do was just lay on the couch, curl up with my eyes closed and just bleh. I listening to the ESO music for a while and remembered that I haven't wrote anything in a long while on Tumblr or anywhere. So here I am, returning to my old therapy just writing my garbage thoughts to replace them with happier more motivated ones. It's sort of working, we'll see how the day goes.

All in all, I'm okay, my family is okay. And only time will tell what craziness is next for this year!

If anyone read this far down, first of all thank you. You're probably someone that I love! Love you <3 and I hope you're also doing well, and staying safe!!!

#xews #sleep #thoughts #personal #me #writings #writing #therapy

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