#nag essay nanaman si tita

[ano-po]

When I was young, whenever I laughed out loud, the adults would say, "Tawa ka nang tawa, iiyak ka din mamaya

[You keep on laughing now, you will cry later on.]"

After years of these same adults putting me down when I feel accomplished, or paint negativity on my happiness, I learned that whenever I feel extremely happy, something bad will definitely happen.

I couldn't reach too high, I might fall down hard.

I couldn't take opportunities, the risks will definitely destroy me.

I'm too happy in my relationship? Better break it first.

But I've seen people who can keep their happiness until they die. "Gulong ng Palad (wheel of fortune)" shit ain't applicable to these people. Of course there are also those who are always at the bottom and stay there until they die. Gulong ng Palad can be bullshit. But then... Is it possible for us to be constantly happy? Yung kapag titingin ako sa paligid ko and I think... Oh, lahat ng pangarap ko natupad na pala, is it possible that I don't think that it will all be snatched away?

For now, my best defense is to be blind to my blessings. If I didn't know I'm blessed, I wouldn't think I'll be doomed.

... but...

Gusto ko lang din naman sumaya.

My ex-girlfriend told me something about this when I broke up with her. "Self-Sabotage"

I didn't know what that was. I loved her, too much I think. We were happy... But I started finding faults because it seems impossible to be this happy. I got stressed. I kept overthinking that she will leave me. So to keep my "peace of mind", I broke it off with her. She said she will never be mad at me, I'm just disturbed at the moment, and she could stay beside me as a friend until my mind is better.

I let that one slip away, no? Bobo ko. After 4 years I realized what I lost. My new girlfriend is the same... understanding, gentle, but I'm doing the same things again. I'm letting my issues ruin me for the second time. I'm procrastinating with my dream job. All I'm doing in my own house is browsing social media instead of doing my dream hobbies that nobody will finally judge me for.

I'm sabotaging myself. Secretly, I think I don't deserve any of these.

I started looking for psychiatrist kase I know my life could be better than always compromising my happiness.

Long story short, therapists can fail you. But it doesn't mean you're beyond help.

This... Self-Sabotage thing, this Gulong ng Palad thing, this 'what comes up must go down thing'... It haunts me. It haunts our culture. It is deeply engrained in my mind that it keeps me Just. Right. Here.

Someday, I want to laugh, and all I will ever think about is how happy and long lasting this moment can be.

#nag essay nanaman si tita #wala akong wisdom actually #pare pareho lang tayong lahat na nasa phase na ito #I don't have the answers yet #but i feel relieved that I am just Self-Sabotaging #it means having a happy life is possible #not related #filipino #philippines #culture #mindset