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#n my cat was literally screaming yowling distress calls in the window
bo0zey
·
2 years
Text
reasons i stay alive:
1. my cat
2. thunderstorms
3. ?????????
#i have been in the weirdest most crybaby most guilt ridden self annihilating mood lately idek why
#like i’m off my period ???
#i cry over everything
#i think it’s because i’m scared
#i’m realizing all the people i’ve hurt and how bad of person i am
#and there’s no fixing it bc something inside of me knows i won’t be here much longer to change their minds
#i’ve always wanted to do it constantly passively subconsciously suicidal but lately there’s a strange something that feels like motivation
#last night i got locked out of my apartment n none of my roommates were home so i had to call campus safety
#n my cat was literally screaming yowling distress calls in the window
#i’d been at the library all day it was 1:30am i don’t even know how long he was there
#but he was crying so loud emmy roommates always tell me how anxious and loud he gets when i leave
#even when they take him out of my room to distract him he meows at the door they say he’s waiting for me
#last night i couldn’t get inside tho so i tried talking to him/calling for him 2 floors down
#he cried harder n louder and he was abt to wake up the whole damn complex omfg he wouldn’t stop and i was getting so anxious bc i knew he
#was in distress and anxious he has horrible separation anxiety and i couldn’t do anything to calm him down but listen to him cry like he’s
#literally being injured or lost or abandoned or scared for his life and i hear his cries muffle as he moves form the window to cry at mydoor
#finally i get inside i go to my room he literally ‘:D’ and runs up to me and i drop to my knees and he starts head butting me and rubbing
#his face all over me and meowing like in relief like ‘u came back mom u came back!’ and i start sobbing uncontrollably bc i feel so horrible
#i didn’t want to leave him alone all day but i had to get out of my room to study and i just broke down from guilt i so
#i don’t know how long he’d been crying or anxious like that probably hours my friends always said he’d cry forever and as i squatted on the
#floor crying an apologizing to him he starts head butting me even more and pushing past my hands over my face to pet him peeking from under
#meowing like it’s ok mom don’t cry and he just kept comforting me incessantly like he knew this guilt was different than usual i
#was consuming me i was a selfish piece of shit who left him alone i wanted to die for days and then he reminded me of why i can’t
#it’s funny how it’s mutual .
#how we found each other and i instantly knew he was mine and he knew i was his. he didn’t stop meowing n bumping me until i stopped breaking
#he’s never comforted me like that before not like that incessantly but i also think it’s bc i’ve never broken down sobbing like that
#after leaving him alone i mean i always felt bad an cooed and held him but last night was horrible he kept
#calling for me and i couldn’t do anything!!!! it was so cruel i hated the world and everyone in it for not letting me inside bust most of
#all myself for being stupid enough to forget my card for leaving him alone for so long i was so awful so rotten !
#but still he comforted me. even tho i hurt him n made him cry he didn’t leave me alone until my tears ran dry. he’s all i have i can’t leave
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