#he cried harder n louder and he was abt to wake up the whole damn complex omfg he wouldn’t stop and i was getting so anxious bc i knew he

[bo0zey]

reasons i stay alive:

1. my cat

2. thunderstorms

3. ?????????

#i have been in the weirdest most crybaby most guilt ridden self annihilating mood lately idek why #like i’m off my period ??? #i cry over everything #i think it’s because i’m scared #i’m realizing all the people i’ve hurt and how bad of person i am #and there’s no fixing it bc something inside of me knows i won’t be here much longer to change their minds #i’ve always wanted to do it constantly passively subconsciously suicidal but lately there’s a strange something that feels like motivation #last night i got locked out of my apartment n none of my roommates were home so i had to call campus safety #n my cat was literally screaming yowling distress calls in the window #i’d been at the library all day it was 1:30am i don’t even know how long he was there #but he was crying so loud emmy roommates always tell me how anxious and loud he gets when i leave #even when they take him out of my room to distract him he meows at the door they say he’s waiting for me #last night i couldn’t get inside tho so i tried talking to him/calling for him 2 floors down #he cried harder n louder and he was abt to wake up the whole damn complex omfg he wouldn’t stop and i was getting so anxious bc i knew he #was in distress and anxious he has horrible separation anxiety and i couldn’t do anything to calm him down but listen to him cry like he’s #literally being injured or lost or abandoned or scared for his life and i hear his cries muffle as he moves form the window to cry at mydoor #finally i get inside i go to my room he literally ‘:D’ and runs up to me and i drop to my knees and he starts head butting me and rubbing #his face all over me and meowing like in relief like ‘u came back mom u came back!’ and i start sobbing uncontrollably bc i feel so horrible #i didn’t want to leave him alone all day but i had to get out of my room to study and i just broke down from guilt i so #i don’t know how long he’d been crying or anxious like that probably hours my friends always said he’d cry forever and as i squatted on the #floor crying an apologizing to him he starts head butting me even more and pushing past my hands over my face to pet him peeking from under #meowing like it’s ok mom don’t cry and he just kept comforting me incessantly like he knew this guilt was different than usual i #was consuming me i was a selfish piece of shit who left him alone i wanted to die for days and then he reminded me of why i can’t #it’s funny how it’s mutual . #how we found each other and i instantly knew he was mine and he knew i was his. he didn’t stop meowing n bumping me until i stopped breaking #he’s never comforted me like that before not like that incessantly but i also think it’s bc i’ve never broken down sobbing like that #after leaving him alone i mean i always felt bad an cooed and held him but last night was horrible he kept #calling for me and i couldn’t do anything!!!! it was so cruel i hated the world and everyone in it for not letting me inside bust most of #all myself for being stupid enough to forget my card for leaving him alone for so long i was so awful so rotten ! #but still he comforted me. even tho i hurt him n made him cry he didn’t leave me alone until my tears ran dry. he’s all i have i can’t leave