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psychichideoutpeace · 3 years

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My take on this foreign family’s intercultural and interpersonal problems

It was 31st August, Well I clearly remember the date because that's my girlfriend's birthday. I was chatting with her in messenger and planning about our upcoming date night and It was a pretty intense situation. The TV was turned on as background noise, i wasn't watching it. Suddenly Tv has all my attention because I heard someone is saying “amra bideshider shathe aageo bhasha niye lorai korechi abong joyi hoyechi, amader itihash ache bideshi der shathe bhashar jonno llorai korbar, uni amar meye ke bangla shikhte dey na” 2 young daughter of his holding his arm from both side while he was briefing the press. Few moments later that news made it to online news platforms and I have seen people going crazy in support of a man named Imran Sharif, no wonder why ?

Photo source : Google

Language itself in its raw form is not interesting, at least to me because I took it for granted. I have been using it since I started talking and no one stopped me from doing so. When I got to know at my early age that in 1952 people lost their lives in order to achieve the rights of speaking in our mother tongue, it straight away gave goosebumps and as I am writing this blog it's still the same feeling. So that's the strength and power of the “idea of our Bengali language” which can create larger spikes in all Bengalis' heart rate. So we are emotionally attached to this idea of our Bengali language and how this idea affects the behavior of people demonstrates real power. Now the question is why I am mentioning this ? because power yields people ! We have just seen cultural hegemony in action in the comment section of this news of Imran Sharif’s case. Let's look at what this case is all about and deconstruct it with the lens of cultural studies.

Photo source : Google

Eriko Nakano US-Japan holding citizenship and Imran Sharif holding US-BD Citizenship tied the knot on July 11, 2008, according to the law of Japan. Eriko is a physician and Imran Sharif is an It engineer, and has his own It firm. So they both belong to superstructure. They used to live in Tokyo and the couple has been blessed with three daughters aged 11, 10, and seven. The kids were studying at a school in Tokyo. On January 18, Imran appealed for divorce but it was held in processing because he didn't attend the hearing and left Japan later. Upon asking why did he file divorce, Imran replied to the press that Eriko and her father booked an apartment which costs around 2.7 million USD and Imran had to pay the major part of installment of US$ 3,800 monthly, Eriko was paying 2000$. Imran was facing a hard time in his business and proposed Eriko to move to the USA so that he can do better with his skill there and earn more money. But Eriko was not willing to move to the USA. Eriko said, pay the installment fees as rent because he was staying in that apartment but Imran was not generating enough cash to pay out the taxing 3,800 $ US monthly and he was not willing to pay this much amount from his savings for the property in which he was not even a stakeholder. Eriko then asked her husband Imran Sharif to leave that apartment. She even sent three legal notices to leave the home because Imran stopped paying the installment. This sounds more like straight out oppression and unequal treatment but I have seen many people who actually wear the feminist's badge on social media, blaming Imran as he is not paying the installment and why would he ask Eriko to move to the USA if his IT career and business is not doing good in Japan. We know feminism, which became the buzz word of the internet in the 21st century, is actually about the oppression of women by men and feminist's stand for equal rights and treatment. There are feminists and then pseudo-feminists come along.

Photo source : Google

Pseudo-feminism suggests that women deserve more respect, or people of other sexes do not deserve respect. Living in a culture where women face many challenges every day is the worst thing is that some people hurt the term feminism. On social media, hardly anyone knows about feminism and they end up being pseudo-feminist. Do pseudo-feminists really want equal treatment? No, they want to create a world governed only by women. Will a woman be getting away with any wrongdoing? Women on social media who identify themselves as feminists want equality and recognition for women they think to deserve it. They’re going to bash a woman if he’s their lesser wife or sister like a politician but they’re going to support a woman bashing that same political leader. Hypocrisy and pseudo-feminism get a melting pot here.

Feminism is simply about freedom and is not about judgment. People who recognize feminism don’t wear the feminist badge. These are the people who want a good education for their daughter, and support their companion if she wants to be working in the field. Some women want to give their husbands food; some women want to take more care of their house and children than work. That is not making them slaves; it is up to them to decide what to do.

After analyzing the available information, It feels more like there are pseudo feminism or women supremacy present in Eriko’s actions which build up to some degree and lead to the current situation. I am not entirely blaming her for anything and I am not here to judge anyone. I am just writing my take on this. Do humans only value other humans when they have jobs, money, status and are capable of paying for mortgages ? What about someone suddenly losing their job ? Let's break it down even further. What if men, husbands loses their job while wife is still working or earning more, will this make the man or husband lesser than who they are as human beings ? No right. Then why do the relationship and power dynamics takes a paradigm shift all of a sudden in these situations, I wonder why ?

As Marks describes, capitalist society will inevitably experience conflict between its social classes. The owners and the workers will have different ideas about the division of the wealth generated, and the owners will ultimately make the decision. This constant conflict, or dialectical materialism, is what instigates change. Marks also describes that the only real social division is class. Divisions of race, ethnicity, gender, and religion are artificial, devised by the bourgeoisie to distract the proletariat from realizing their unity and rebelling against their oppressors. Here in this case we see race, gender, religion, ethnicity and also social class differences between the proletariat Eriko and Imran.

In this case of Eriko and Imran, when Imran refused to pay for the mortgage of Eriko’s apartment, the relationship dynamic changed and Eriko wanted to evict Imran from the house.

On January 21, Imran filed an appeal to the school authorities to take one of his daughters but they refused following the objection of Eriko. Later, Imran picked up the other two daughters from the school bus to a rented building on February 21 and returned to Bangladesh with them.

On May 31, a court in Tokyo handed over the custody of the two daughters to Eriko. On July 18, Eriko came to Bangladesh in search of the custody of her daughters leaving behind their six years old daughter in Japan. Despite her report being negative, Imran did not believe the report and refused to meet her children. On July 26, Eriko’s mobile connection was cut and he was given the opportunity to meet the girls blindfolded. On 19 August, Nakano Eriko, filed a petition with the HC seeking its directives to return her two daughters Jasmine Malika,11, and Laila Lina, 10 from their Bangladeshi father Sharif Imran. The court then asked the authorities to present the two children before the court on August 31. It also asked Imran not to leave the country with his daughters for the next one month. At the directives of the court, Imran and Eriko, accompanied by their daughters, are living in a rented house in Gulshan 1 of Dhaka. The court will issue further directives over their dispute on 16 September. High court ordered them to stay under the same roof and suggested they figure out a mutual solution as these kids were staying in a victim support centre before. Lawyers were also suggesting the same.

Photo : Google

Now comes the interesting part, Why did Imran come to Bangladesh with his two daughters ? Eriko and Imran were married legally in Japan and there is a case going on about the legal custody in Japan’s court. Their daughters have Japanese citizenship. He was living in Japan and has US citizenship, so why Bangladesh ? Imran was saying in his press conferences that he won't get custody of the child in Japan’s court. Maybe to battle the ethnocentric advantage that Eriko had in Japan. But as these daughters are minors, In most cases the custody goes to mothers side. Maybe Imran made a calculated move that he will get the empathy of Bengali people as we have seen him saying to the press that Eriko takes these kids out whenever Imran tries to teach their daughters Bengali language. Bengali has a long history of fighting against foreigners for language. I found these statements of his, a bit over the top, dramatic and only to shape the public's point of view against Eriko.

If we analyze the situation carefully, we can see, Imran is using tools like cultural hegemony to get advantage as he is communicating and reaching out to the mass people through press conferences, YouTube channels and interviews. Imran is exercising the power of language and culture more efficiently. He is forging his words carefully and deliberately to get the empathy of the mass people and Bangladesh is the only place where he can have leverage over Eriko in this case because he is now identifying himself as Bengali and wearing it as a vanguard to defend anything that coming against him. In a interview he said to a journalist that “ I am a Bengali like you are and I have the rights of a citizen in my country, only my passport is American that doesn't mean I am not Bengali” Imran is using identity politics to create positive public opinion about him. He is trying to portray Eriko as “other” and not as the mother of their daughter. Also he is trying to create a us versus them situation with these statements so that public sentiment remains on his side. People have already made lots of propaganda videos against Eriko on their own Imran Sharif didn't tell them to do so, Its cultural hegemony in action.

On the other hand he has already sought Tk 50 million as compensation for revealing defamatory information about him from Eriko. Otherwise, he threatened to lodge a case against her over the matter. But we hardly have any detail explanation from Eriko’s side.

The future of three minor kids are now dependent on the dialogue and intent of their parents. The High Court on 16th September directed concerned lawyers to settle the custodial dispute between Bangladeshi father Imran Sharif and Japanese mother Nakano Eriko over their two daughters within 12 days and fixed September 28 for further hearing and delivering a final verdict on the matter but as of today there is no latest news available.

References :

High court sends 2 children of Japanese mother to support centre. (2021, August 23). Dhaka Tribune. https://www.dhakatribune.com/bangladesh/2021/08/23/hc-sends-two-children-to-a-support-centre-as-parents-fight-over-their-custody

Https://www.risingbd.com. (2147). CID rescues two daughters of that Japanese woman. Risingbd Online Bangla News Portal. https://www.risingbd.com/english/national/news/81810

Japanese mother files petition with HC to remove CCTV cameras from residence. (2021, September 6). The Business Standard. https://www.tbsnews.net/bangladesh/court/japanese-mother-files-petition-hc-remove-cctv-cameras-residence-298648

Japanese woman in HC for kids’ guardianship. (192021, August). New Age | The Most Popular Outspoken English Daily in Bangladesh. https://www.newagebd.net/article/146772/japanese-woman-in-hc-for-kids-guardianship

Japanese woman’s petition for daughters’ custody: HC asks father to present the children. (2021, August 19). The Daily Star. https://www.thedailystar.net/news/bangladesh/crime-justice/news/japanese-woman-comes-bangladesh-starts-legal-battle-custody-daughters-2155956

জাপানি দুই শিশুর বিষয়ে যে আদেশ দিলেন হাইকোর্ট | বাংলাদেশ. (1970, January 1). Somoy News. https://www.somoynews.tv/news/2021-08-31/

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watcr · 4 years

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Rules 🟡 About 🟡 Bio & Misc

DISCLAIMER: This is not intended by any means to be an entirely serious rp blog. This is originally based based in Grand Theft Auto 5. And was created in a custom Grand Theft Auto Online server by Markiplier and thusly portrayed by him whilst he played. If anything this is a Crack!Role Play blog that looks well put together Face claim and all but I'm really just here for rediculous interactions and wild hijinks with a clueless dad delivery man. That being said: any backstory and the creation/ videos/ acting itself belongs to Markiplier. I'm simply just writing a character that I enjoy and makes me laugh.

Please Note: This blog will still contain highly suggestive content and situations with a comedic take on them. This includes being robbed, murder, drug use, hostage situations and then some. I mean-- Stan was made in Grand Theft Auto.

RULES/ General Info:

This is a side blog to my main: mxrkedfordeath

Para/ Novella writing length

Primarily dash/mobile profile

18+ no ifs ands or special cases

Again: this is a Satirical/Crack/Meme role play blog. Expect rediculous things to be said and done

NSFW present/ Friendly

Non-Selective; as mentioned above I created this blog for fun. If any of this meme I have created interests you please feel free to send me a DM or ask and let's see what wild hijinks we can get Stan into huh?

Although the voice is provided by an internet personality that is where this ends. I am still uncomfortable with interacting with blogs that portray real life people or influencers/ internet celebrities. I'm not going to have Stan rob someone with a celebrity that is real. It's...its uncomfortable.

Considering my reason I made this blog and the nature of it, random starters or asks are welcome! If it's a weird situation, place or even different universe I will make That Water Boi lore friendly.

That being said however: please do not include oneself in a thread that you are not involved in.

Absolutely no personal blogs

OC friendly

Crossover/AU friendly

No Godmodding

No hate/ harrassment

Multimuse and Sideblog friendly

Unless featured or seen in the Stan The Water Man videos by Markiplier there will be no preestablished anything. Unless it is Kiki, or Jimmy Stan does not know you and this naive man child will greet you very horribly as he always does.

Shipping: I do allow it but dont think its going to be very serious either. When he sees you ladies? Its literally hitting the jackpot if you get more than a few words that are even close to coherent. So yes. If you wanna simp or thirst over stan that's cool just know that his skull is thicker than a military bunker wall.

•Memes, asks, and shitposting alike is pretty much this whole blog. Stan is a sweetie but hes not close to being the uh... brightest bulb in the box.

About:

Stan or Stanley Wheeler is a 39 year old delivery man and a family man. He strives to please those around him with wonderful water and his company.

Still a delivery man with his new life after a difficult divorce and loss of custody of his "Sweet baby boy Roy" he focuses on bettering his life as a means to be reunited with his son.

He is always well hydrated and firmly believes in comfort and efficiency instead of style.

(About if you stumbled into this shit show):

This is a role play blog for an original character created by Markiplier in a custom Role Playing server for Grand Theft Auto V. It's quite literally a chaotic whirlwind where the main protagonist is a 39 year old divorcee whose love for water is concerning... but not so much as the mans gullible nature and far to generous personality.

This is really only a summation because there are literal HOURS of videos of Markiplier playing Grand Theft Auto and being the voice of Stan Wheeler during his adventures in Los Santos. It features amazing improv and the ever expected rediculous chaos that ensues in Grand Theft Auto.

Bio:

Name: Stanley Wheeler

Gender/Gender Identity: Male

Age: 39

Face Claim: Chris Evans

Voice Claim: Marikplier/ Mark Fischbach

Romantic/ Sexual Preferences: Questioning/ Unsure

Nick names: Fanny pack, Water boy, Sunflower

Personality: Generous, Optimistic, Friendly, Oblivious, Awkward, Curious, Helpful, Trusting

Occupation: Courier, Delivery Man/Boy, Water Delivery Man

Favorite Color(s): Blue & Yellow

Likes: Water, Fanny Packs, Sunflowers, Biking, Work, His Son

Dislikes: Coffee & Soda, Lying, Fighting, Talking to women (watch the episodes to know)

Hobbies: Biking, Boating, Spending time with his son, Meeting new people

Quirks/ Other Traits: Has a strong....Love for water, Suffers from a yet to be diagnosed but constant seizing of bodily muscles that occasionally cause harm, A REAL Virgin 'Dad', Amazing at lockpicking, Terrible Driver

Final Note/ Disclaimer: Again, although this blog is for fun from a truly chaotic and hilarious improvised playthrough of a unique online role playing server for Grand Theft Auto V, please REMEMBER what game Markiplier created and voiced Stan in. Just because Stan is clueless doesnt mean the subject matter is. A lot of dark humor and shady if not bad situations arise in Mark's videos and I really do want people to know that although this is all in good fun the dark unfiltered comedy of Grand Theft Auto is still going to be followed in this portrayal. That means Stanely would very well (and has) ended up robbing people, kidnapping, Killing people or being an accomplice, Jokes based upon sexuality, Gender and then some. Of course before writing I will ALWAYS discuss subject matter that you would like to avoid but unless stated the aforementioned or to those whom have watched the adventures of Stanley know just how inappropriate and harsh/blunt/in your face comedy that is present.

Not only one final disclaimer as to how nsfw Stanley's life and choices end up being-- but giving credit is where it is due; Markiplier. He literally Created Stanley Wheeler and his uh... well him. And brought Stan to life via voice and gameplay. Stan never is and never was mine he's just a character.

Mun absolutely DOES NOT ≠ Muse

Stanley Wheeler-- is an idiot that makes horrible decisions and let's horrible things happen around him. I do not reflect any of the jokes or encounters featured in the gameplay series. I just so happen to enjoy comedy (albeit quite a bit can be not PC) and a good story. Literally this blog came out of a joke my best friend made at 4 am after binging Stan The Water man saying I should make a role play blog for Stanley Wheeler. And so? I did.

Important Note: Activity and response time

Updated: 04/10/2020

I made this blog for myself for fun and the same goes for the people I meet/ interact with. It will be sporadic at best. If I feel like it expect meme or shitpost worthy spamming of the Water Delivery Dad we got but never deserved.

Neither my main nor is Stan a job. Quite bluntly most times when I go inactive I'm literally just doing something else. Anything else.

That ties in to the fact that although I am non selective I am still allowed to say no. And expect reciprocated respect if I say no for ANY reason. I dont owe anyone anything and just like everyone else here this is for fun and enjoyment purposes. This is not our job, and we have nothing forcing us to do this.

But - I am fine with a poke at me and my noggin' every once in a while. I do a lot of things and I cant even remember where I put my vape or phone after 5 minutes. That means I forget. And I do. A LOT. And I can admit that.

MUN & MUSE RULE ZERO: Absolutely no Drama, Vaguing, Callouts, Harassment, Hate or insults/ criticizing on how you THINK the muse I write SHOULD BE.

I'm chill. And I legit hate social confrontation to the point I cry in front of people face to face if it is too much, too hurtful, too angering.

I don't care if someone said something shady our of character that one time or that you think an individual deserves to be directly blasted in front of numerous people.

I dont care if you think that just because I wrote a characters sexual or gender identity outside of what you like.

I dont care how many times you ask or dm me to respond or plot when I had already respectfully declined.

Of course hate and harassment is something I do care for-- because its quite literally just pure toxicity. If you do this you will be ignored and blocked or even reported depending upon when transpired.

All I ask is to be treated kindly in return as I treat everyone until I am given reason not to. That's it. Literally. I am 22 years old and have no patience for any of the aforementioned.

Quite frankly to me it's childish and quite often comedic or petty in my eyes to even have callouts and vauging exist.

I am only addressing this because of the years and various muses canon and original alike I have been harassed for interactions, sent honestly some pretty vile anons, and plenty of messages telling me "X is actually supposed to be gay." Or "no actually they dont like X", I've been called out for literally some of the most childish reasons and my being honest and blunt upset people-- or the word 'No' was not existent in their vocabulary.

And finally-- if for any reason in the RPC someone I am Mutuals/ Mains/ Friends with or just an acquaintance I like talking lore with is involved in any drama I do not want to hear it nor do I care if it does not directly involve me. In fact even then I dont want to unless said person comes to me privately and talks like an adult should rather than throwing a tantrum behind your laptop because someone said an awful word, or beliefs were disliked-- literally any reason or post of a callout. I'm not here for it.

If there is EVER a problem dont be afraid to message me PRIVATELY and talk it out like two mature adults. If I did something to upset you? Let me know I want this blog ESPECIALLY to be for the sake of laughs. Has it been a good month since my last reply? Just send me a lil' hey or just check in. Have I not replied? Its probably just me as the Mun having an awful attention span for anything that isn't hands on.

The Mun:

Look I know the novel above for one singular subject is actually very unfortunately neccessary for me.

My career and as a person have me not only practically programmed but I am openly blunt/ "real" with people.

I am not going to say something you want to hear. You might not like my saying no to a thread but my goal is to be honest and respectful to everyone.

And not only that I'm tired of not covering my ass and trying to pretend this doesn't happen to me behind the scenes or on blast for all to see.

If I plan on sending a private message apologizing for an upsetting subject I wrote of or simply discussing conflicts/ issues privately I hope to god that you who are reading this has the same common courtesy.

Regardless if my blunt sometimes told "Too much" honesty is why I disclose my absolute refusal to negative interactions I really am chill - and occasionally way too excitable or talkative.

I really do love meeting plenty of new people and writers alike in the role playing community as a whole and very much enjoy trying new plots/ ideas out unless it is unreasonable to the plot.

If you wanna just be meme traders for a fellow beloved Fandom or RPC? Ok. I'll try to find some just as good to make the meme trade a fair one.

You wanna make a thread all about how gullible a muse is? Sure!

Maybe even send a thirsty or shitpost worthy ask? 100%

Or do you just have a question about the Muse/Mun/ Or Writing? Go ahead!

I love and live for the angst and self authored stories to Headcanons or missed plot points on muses. The ways so many different types of relationships between characters form and change. But I would also smash the yes button if someone asked me how I felt if someone swung into the ask Simping on lovely Water Boy? Go for it because again; fun. Let's cackle over his style choices or his horribly abused kindess/ trust.

I'm a human guys let's not worry about anything else but the fact we're all here for the same thing: and that's fun and enjoyment as well as having an ability to flex our creative side. It doesnt matter how fantastic or bad (This mun right here) is at edits manips or coding for the theme. We all learn and grow and I just wanna have a good time and I'm sure every normal person that's not a psychopath wants to have a happy healthy safe and fun environment for roleplay/writing.

Thank you for reading this if you did. Any questions? Want Stan to be your water bottle toting and Fanny Pack Efficiency having man get stuck in a plot with your muse? Feel free to hmu send in an ask or meme etc.

I dont bite unless someone bites me with their attitude. I look forward to meeting/interacting/and memeing with everyone.

#about #rules #bio #et al

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advertphoto · 6 years

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Divorce Can Make Good People Bad

Why is it that people who seemed to be fairly rational before divorce turn into complete paranoid, hyper-defensive maniacs once the separation and divorce process begins? Couples who promised to do this divorce thing respectfully suddenly turn into ferocious warriors, letting their mean-and-petty streak show through, especially when they get into the pit with their attorney.

Sure, some people are just jerks, but what makes otherwise good people behave so poorly? It turns out this “crazy” behavior is fairly predictable and normal in such circumstances. That’s not an excuse for it, but when you better understand what’s pushing your buttons so badly, you can finally begin to make healthier choices and address the feelings of overwhelm that are triggering such unseemly (read: king of the jerks) behavior.

Here are the panic-button pushing reasons that divorce makes us act so out of character:

Disappointment Over Unmet Expectations

When you said “I do” you did so with expectations about what marriage is all about. But maybe you never fully shared those expectations with the person you actually said your vows to. Many times we don’t articulate our expectations specifically because we assume everyone just knows this is how marriage is supposed to be. But, “everyone” may only be your family and the way they did things, or your closest friends with whom you have discussed this over and over. It never included your now soon-to-be-ex-spouse who (don’t forget) came into marriage with some unspoken expectations of their own. When our deeply held expectations (like “marriage is forever, no matter what”) are unmet, we often feel betrayed, making it easy to feel indignant and cast our ex as the enemy. We believe they let us down. But, if we’re honest, were they ever fully on page with us to begin with?

The big challenge of marriage is putting both partner’s expectations on the table and then working together to create a mutually agreed upon vision for how your marriage will actually work.

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Fear of Change

During periods of immense and drastic change (such as divorce), your mild-mannered brain goes into survival mode, ready at a moment’s notice to fight or retreat, thanks to that reptilian brain you inherited from your ancient ancestors.

Whether is it your fear of losing status (social, financial, etc.), a sense of uncertainty about the future, a worry that you don’t belong anymore in your social circle, or just a feeling like this whole situation is so unfair—the problem-solving part of your brain can’t do its job until your panicked reptilian brain calms down.

Uncertainty and fear about how things will turn out take a steep toll on you mentally and physically. Stress from staying in an “I’m in danger” primal mindset can short-circuit your patience, your willingness to listen, and your ability to communicate effectively. Your health is also likely to take a dive as well, making you prone to sleep deprivation and low stamina at a time when you are taking on mountains of critically important paperwork, decisions, and details as part of the divorce. So, even if you want to make good choices, the stress response of facing so much uncertainty and change at once is sure to cause you at least some temporary loss of rational thought and behavior.

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Feeling Powerless and Out of Control

In normal life, you are used to being competent and in charge, but now you are thrust into the unfamiliar, unsure of how to get things done right in the divorce process (and in the new life waiting after it). You are being forced to make important decisions immediately. You have to hire a high-priced expert to navigate you through the legal aspects. And hiring a lawyer kicks off what could be seen by the other as an attack; you have drawn up sides and are now ready for war.

Communication is out the window when you feel powerless and unable to fully control things that profoundly affect your life. You have to trust your attorney (who was likely a complete stranger to you before this situation) to lead the charge and make decisions that will affect your future (and your childrens’ future) for years to come. It all costs a fortune. Is it any wonder each side feels like they are being screwed?

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A Sense of Entitlement

Splitting apart all of the property (and associated memories) the two of you acquired through your sweat, equity, and hard-earned money can feel like a spiteful business transaction. Each of you has a sense of ownership and “it wouldn’t have happened without my efforts” point of view. Your decisions right now are dominated by your emotions, not your logical problem-solving self.

If you have kids, there is likely an overwhelming sense of guilt and worry that this divorce experience might be damaging them. They may even think it is their fault that mommy and daddy are splitting up. The kids end up as pawns in a fight over what you and your ex believe you each deserve or never deserved. Each of you are in it to “get yours” in the name of fairness. But the ego battle waging between you both in the pursuit of “emotional justice” ends up feeling more like scrambling down an endless tunnel with no cheese at the end.

So, what’s a stressed out person to do in order to keep divorce-induced jerky behavior in check?

Take back your dignity. Get in touch with who you are when you are at your best. Be clear about what is important to you and why, and how you want to remember yourself when this is over. Now, behave your way into that outcome.

Assemble a good team to support you in this transition from married to single. Identify where you need more information, different perspectives, and validation that will get you through this in a way that lifts you up (versus pulling you down). Pick people who can support you in being your best. Fight the urge to surround yourself with people who will urge you to seek revenge, act petty, or take your ex to the cleaners. When you look in the mirror, you want the best version of you reflecting back as you move into your new future.

Listen, listen, listen. Communicate, communicate, communicate—with your children, with your ex-spouse, and with the experts you are relying on to help you make the best decisions based on your needs, wants and values. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your role in how things are going. If you misstep and act like a jerk for a moment, own it, and then apologize and move on.

Remember your past successes. Take care of what is important to you, ask for help, and remember the times when you successfully dealt with challenging times in the past. What allowed you to be resilient then? How can that help you here and now? You’ve been through hard times before—you can handle this.

Dealing with a difficult ex certainly doesn’t make the divorce process any easier. But neither does being a difficult ex. So keep yourself in check. By understanding some of the hot buttons that you both are pushing in each other, then maybe you can pause, take a breath, drop the jerk behavior and make better choices.

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