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Criminal Minds s01e22 The Fisher King Part 1 season 1 finale review

Episode 22 – The Fisher King Part 1

Okay, so we’re at the finale of season 1! Wow, that was quick! (At least for me) And I can honestly say I am beyond pumped for the next 11. I have no idea what Fisher King means except for the pretty bird that is named that, but I really have no fucking clue what goes on here.

Let’s see what happens.

Ok, that house is creepy. Just saying.

A mangled male hand running over a sleeping girl’s body, not creepy at all … I think … I mean, why can’t they show us who it is?

Frack, he has a knife.

Why did they cut automatically to the BAU? That is some serious teasing.

Morgan is taking Elle to a resort? No! He should be taking Penelope! No! someone boink this guy over the head.

“Trust me when I tell you it is off the hook. Hot sunny days, cool breezes at night, never-ending tropical drinks with the little umbrellas, and nothing but young, beautiful adults looking to make vacation memories.” Ooh, he should run ads for resorts, cuz mama I am hooked!

Why are you calling him pretty boy? I mean, he is pretty, but why are you teasing Spencer like that baby? Not nice.

Wow. Reid was oddly cryptic about going home. Is something not right? I’m intrigued.

Yay! Aaron is going home, and he is happy about chores? Oh no.

Hahahahahahaha oh my god Gideon just made my entire day and I’m only 02:02 minutes into the show. He’s going to an abandoned cabin in the woods and wants them to not call him. And he’s serious about! He said it twice!

Wow. I love the carvings! Both metal and wood are so elaborate, I’m so impressed.

Okay, now we’re going into medieval paintings that literally freak me out. What?

And why does that freak have pictures of my superheroes?

Why is he whispering? He freaks me out. Ugh.

Oh my god, why is he tying that girl to the bed? Ugh.

Whoa. She just had a major freakout.

Oh my god this is gonna be epic!!!!! And possibly the longest review of the season, guys. Beware.

And Kirsten still isn’t a regular? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Elbert Hubbard: “No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” WORD!!! I had a few days off during Rosh Hashana and when I came back to work I was so disoriented I was like, dude, I need a vacation.

And oh my god, the resort Derek told Elle about is in Jamaica? Wow. He has some good friends, man.

God that water is gorgeous. No wonder the Caribbean is such a touristy spot. I mean, I prefer dirty cities with winds and snows and rain, but I get it.

And oh my god, those are some fresh young hotties. I’m talking of course about Elle and Derek in bathing suits. Holy shit. That is the hottest sight ever.

I’m usually not one for tattoos, but oh my god Shemar’s body is a monument of hotness. Fuck. I want to lick those abs so much.

Wait. Hold the presses. And I can’t believe I’m saying this because I am currently watching scenes of Shemar shirtless and I am the last woman to ever complain about that, but is Jane fucking Lynch in this episode? As what exactly? Yay!!! I’m happy.

Now let’s go back to drooling over Shemar’s flawless delicious succulent chocolate planes.

Lord, Shemar flirting is just illegal. Fuck. Oh my goodness.

Holy shit! I love that guy!!!!! The guy flirting with Elle, oh my god I know him, I have no fucking idea what his name is, but he is one hot specimen, and I love this episode so much for giving me so much eye candy. Yay!

Aw, homey Aaron! So cute! Oh my god, Aaron was pirate number four in Pirates of Penzance hahaha I’m loving this so much.

Wait. Gideon can cook? Oh my god, that is so amazing! He’s making something very fancy, he’s making fucking garlic bread and he has a wine bottle ready to be popped. I want to marry you, Gideon. But obviously you have a lady friend coming over, for whom you are so diligently preparing this delicious meal, so I’ll let you get back to it.

Aww!!!! How does Penelope Garcia spend her weekend off? Gaming! Oh my god, this episode just turned into one of my favorites, holy shit.

“Why can’t guys in the real world be like that?” I agree, Penelope.

“He is not fictional. He is the online alter ego of a real person.” I love you, peaches.

“Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting during which time I have his undivided attention and he lavishes me with flattery. When’s the last time you had a date go that well?” “See if he’s got a fictional brother, all right?” oh JJ, you are precious.

Wait. No way! Jane Lynch is Spencer’s mom who is locked up in a nuthouse in Nevada? Oh my poor pretty boy, I love you so much.

So she’s very well-educated, yet schizophrenic, and Spencer sends her daily handwritten letters? Oh my god, I just fell in love with his character all over again.

Whoa, she’s a professor for fifteenth century literature? Oh my god, her character is so amazing. I love literature from that era and I just can’t believe how amazing this show is.

So he came all the way and can’t face her? Oh baby.

Oh hot damn, that dancing scene is hot hot hot! Elle looks so happy! I love her! Oh shit, Derek sweaty and dancing is too hot.

Oh shit. I’m getting so turned on here hahaha

Aww Aaron and Hayley met when he stumbled into the theatre department and joined the theatre group just to be with her! Oh my god he is the most romantic guy ever and I love him!

Aww it’s so nice to see Gideon so in love! It’s just such a contrast and I love it.

Okay, I never thought I’d see post-coital Hotchner and it is doing things to me. Seriously.

And who the fuck calls in the middle of the night?

First victims? It’s the whisperer from the beginning ugh.

The youngest holds the key? You must help him save her? What the fuck?

Why is the resort manager getting an anonymous call in the middle of the night that requires him to call the cops? I’m so confused here. Oh they reported a murder in a room? Oh damn.

Wait. Someone hacked into Penelope’s laptop? That doesn’t seem right. What the fuck? What does “All Work No Play” mean here?

Game over? What? Oh hell now!

Someone hacked into the FBI tech analyst computers? Oh no.

Wait, they’re now haunting Gideon too? Oh goodness me.

Whoa, those are blood stains on the walls.

He’s been delivered a package? That’s seriously frightening.

“Save her.” Save who?

Oh shit! That’s a fucking head! That’s a fuckin human head! What the fuck?

Hey! Hey! Whoa!!!!! Why are they attacking Elle? And why are they arresting her? What the fuck is going on here?

I love you Elle! I love you so much! And you, Mr. Jamaica PD detective, are seriously not doing yourself any favors pissing off a woman you just dragged out of bed in the middle of the night.

“Where’s the victim’s head?” “Well, I must have dropped it on my way in here, come on!” haha I love you. “I’m here on vacation, man!”

What the fuck? It’s always the same phrase. What the fuck is going on here?

Frank Giles. Got it.

Oh hell, Derek breaking down doors, yummy.

Whoa, Penelope just went apeshit on the computer systems, I love you so much baby but tone it down, okay?

“You just wait till I’m through with you!” oh shit, I’ve never seen her mad.

Did she just tell Morgan no?

“The information super highway is closed.” Uh oh.

“Someone had the nerve to run a blackhat op into my computers, Morgan. They hacked me, ok? But you can bet your sweet ass I will find them. I’ve got honey pot farms hidden behind uml kernel data packets and a first generation honeynet I personally programmed. My snort logs list every visitor, every server request, every keystroke on this entire network. If I have to back-hack his IP all the way to the frickin’ stone age, I will find this son of a bitch, ok? So bye.” Oh my god, I love you Penelope, you are my goddess.

Oh my god Morgan’s confused face is everything.

So the head Gideon got belongs to the body that was found in Jamaica with Elle and Morgan? Damn.

Thank goodness Hotchner is here.

A dead butterfly? What?

So this guy is a complete psycho? Oh god.

Oh god, this is absolutely dreadful.

Oh honey, she used the wireless internet and he got into her laptop oh dear lord, the poor thing.

Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me. Is that a sword sticking out of ohis fucking chest? Shit. And that’s Frank Giles. Oh my goodness.

“Here thy quest doth truly begin” oh my god.

Shit.

“To learn of what should next be done, leave the blade ‘til the hour be none.” What the actual fuck?

Hey Reid! I love you, but you poor puppy.

“Reid, do not go away ever again.” I love you too, Elle.

Yup, this is totally Indiana Jones, except that you need to find the fucking killer not the fucking treasure. Unless those two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Ooh yeah, now Reid gets to use his key.

Oh kay? This is creepy. Why the fuck does he give them a music box as a clue.

“Never would it be night, but always clear day to any man’s sight.” What the fuck does that even mean?

What? A DVD with a girl’s lock of hair tied to it? God, this guy is sick to the bone.

Okay, so that guy creeps me out to no end. And the rules of the game are that they cannot use outside help beyond the original seven? Well, that is really helpful, dick.

What the fuck? He sent someone to Hotch’s place? And he could’ve hurt Hayley and Jack! What?!

What the fuck does that piece of paper mean? What, is it like the whole word-line-page numbers form a book? Oh lord. This is gonna be a heavy one.

Why did Gideon have JJ talk to the press if the guy clearly told them not to go to anyone? Oh boy. He’s playing with fire.

Oh my goodness, groggy Elle is the cutest thing ever! She’s so adorable!

Didn’t Hotch tell that agent to escort her home? Why is Elle alone there?

Oh shit! He’s in her house! Oh my god.

SERIOUSLY? They’re gonna stop the last episode of the fucking season on a cliff hanger where you see someone pointing a gun at Elle, the screen goes black and you hear a gunshot? YOU FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you so much, but what the fuck are they doing to all of my feelings?????

I know I should be writing my opinions on the season, but I’m so caught up that, with your permission, I’m going to just put this here and hurry on to the first episode of season 2, ok? See ya.

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