#my love you shall build your healthy conflict skills and tools as well!!! keep building all your life!!!
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Hiiii I need help
I’m having trouble writing a fight scene between two characters in a relationship. I don’t want it to be a break up sort of fight, just a healthy spat between lovers that will make their relationship all the stronger after they resolve it. But I’m not really well versed in “healthy conflict” so I was hoping you’d have some questions to keep in mind/tips experience you could share because you’re an amazing writer 🙏🏻
HELLO MY DARLING
first, thank you so much for your sweet words. 😭😭😭😭😭😭🙏 second, i have been pondering your question for a day and a half!
i have been really thinking about it and i have some initial thoughts… but i am sure that this post will just be the start of an ongoing conversation. i think the word i have been chewing on is “healthy.” on the one hand, there are certain things that most people might universally agree as “healthy conflict” in a relationship (or nearly universally), and then there are things that are very culture-dependent (and i do not mean this necessarily in the essentialist sense, i.e., nation-state-as-culture, but also in terms of ‘doing culture’ according to family, friends, region, socioeconomic status, social rank, behaviors, etc.). and then there are things in each relationship that may be less healthy than the ideal but still healthy in the long run, in the sense that it provides space for growth; couples have horribles fights that nearly tear them apart but, for whatever reason, don’t. in my experience, both in life and in fiction, sometimes i think these can often be the hardest, toughest fights, because they have the lowest lows but the highest potential for hope/resolution/something better.
if i am thinking on what it is about these fights that make them so painful and exhausting and “i just want to find a way to fix this but i can’t see the way forward and i am going to stay because i love them but i don’t have the tools right now to get out of this hole,” here’s what comes to mind:
both people are in pain
somehow, trust has been lost to some degree
one or both people do not currently feel safe, either from judgment or abandonment… maybe both… maybe something else too
a disagreement may turn “ugly” so quickly when things that are shared in confidence are thrown back in someone’s face, or some vulnerable sticking point that is supposed to be protected is being used against them in the heat of the argument because things begin to escalate so quickly
at what point can one person step in and find a space to pause/timeout; table the conversation; de-escalate? if neither can, the fight gets worse. if at least one can… that could be the turning point for a softer resolution, even if the other person needs additional coaxing or convincing to join them in the de-escalation. can both suddenly or eventually pause and de-escalate? through humor? through a release of emotion at the core under the anger, like tears and sadness?
at some point during these fights, or perhaps after, one or both might start to feel shame… for their behaviors, their reactions, their words… how can one person bridge the gap that was created when one or both crossed a line? (or many lines?) sometimes all it can take is a hug to lessen the divide, and sometimes apologies are necessary, and plans for changing behaviors, and explanations, or any combination. so how does one (or both) handle their apology? are they both good at taking accountability and learning at this stage in their relationship? do they make good on their promises to change, or at least try? (we are human after all!)
does the resolution match the degree of the fight? if something was weaponized, has it been dismantled by the end, or is it left hanging in the air, even after the apology or de-escalation?
definitely lots to think about! i think the degree of “healthy” is going to depend on a lot of factors, and will inevitably also be influenced by your readers’ personal experiences and what they bring to their interpretations! but definitely things to potentially keep in mind: who is in pain and why? what tools do they have to resolve the pain? are they scared to solve it or not solve it (or both)? how well can they solve it at this moment in time—or later?
thank you for the ask!!!! 💕💕💕💕 good luck and keep me posted!!! i hope these are helpful. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
also, others: please feel free to add additional thoughts and considerations!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏
#sanfangirl#therentyoupay ask#therentyoupay advice#my love you shall build your healthy conflict skills and tools as well!!! keep building all your life!!!
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