#my husband's adhd is noticeably more disabling than mine

[eggy-tea]

This fucking thing. You have no idea. 

About two months ago, I took this thing into work. When I was done with it, I brought it back home and put it away… kind of. 

See, "taking it to work" involved:

remembering I owned it in the first place

remembering I needed it at work once I was back home

remembering to put it in my bag to bring to work

remembering to bring it out of the bag to use at work

actually using the damn thing

remembering to put it back in my bag to bring home

remembering to take it out of my bag once I got home, and

putting it back where it belonged

Where it belongs is in a tool bag on a shelf above our dryer. The shelf is slightly above eye level, and the tool bag sits near the back where I need to reach a bit to get it. The tool bag location makes sense, because it’s something I use often enough that I want it visible, but not so often that I want it in the way of other things. That, of course, means that it's mildly annoying to get to.

So over the course of about a week I managed to get through steps 1-7, but when it came to step 8 (putting it away properly), well… I was tired.  I had a lot of other things on my mind. So I put it on the shelf near the tool bag, because taking the tool bag out added five more steps to the process (take bag, place on surface, unzip bag, place screwdriver in bag, zip bag up, return bag to shelf vs put screwdriver on shelf) and I just couldn’t right then. 

And so it sat there. For like two months. And every time I saw it I’d think, “Right, I should put that away,” and every time I couldn’t, because Too Much. And now, on top of the task itself, there was the Emotional Context of it sitting there, weighing on me. It had become the Screwdriver of Bad Feelings. Every time I noticed it while doing the laundry, I would feel ever so slightly like shit for not just putting it away already it will literally take fifteen seconds, but it never bothered me enough in the moment to flip the switch in my brain and force me to do something about it. 

Until today. Today, I got out a different screwdriver from the tool bag for a different task. When I was done, I :

put away that screwdriver

put the tool bag back

noticed the Screwdriver of Bad Feelings was still there

took the tool bag back down

unzipped it again

put the Bad Feelings screwdriver in the bag,

zipped the bag back up, and

continued on to the next task. 

Like it was easy. Like it was nothing. Because today, it was. 

What was so special about today? Ritalin. That’s it. That’s all. 

Don’t ever let anyone fucking tell you that ADHD isn’t real, that executive dysfunction isn’t a real disability. Because without something extra (high levels of stress, pressure, anxiety… or meds) to make my brain do the thing? I cannot do the thing. I am unable. If that's not the definition of disability, I don't know what is.

#personal #long post #adhd #ok to rb #for MONTHS i could not do this simple day-to-day task #i wanted to! i knew how! i was physically capable! but i *could not do it* #if i could have i would have! #the 'why' was different but the outcome was the exact same as if my arms weren't able to lift or my hands to grasp the zipper and pull #it will forever make me angry that the healthier solution - at least for me - is SO SIMPLE and yet it is so hard to access #because fucking neurotypical folks might abuse the meds that make my brain work #in order to give themselves an edge WHEN THEY'RE ALREADY PLAYING ON EASY MODE #and like. i always feel vaguely bad complaining about this because i don't even have it that bad #my husband's adhd is noticeably more disabling than mine #i have worked with kids whose attention spans could be measured in seconds #whose ability levels dropped at least three grade levels on bad days and who could barely stand to live inside their own brains #and that was never me #but honestly that just makes me ANGRIER #because if i'm dealing with *this* then HOW MUCH WORSE IS IT FOR THEM

[atomictankmom]

A Venting Text, Never Sent

A text to my mother during a period of estrangement that never made it to its intended recipient. Reflecting on breaking cycles and understanding personal neurodivergence within the family structure.

One thing we have been working on as a family is this lesson: Just because you feel a type of way, doesn’t mean you get to make other people feel that way.

Example: (Husband) was tired from a long stint of work. He was snapping at (Daughter) and making her cry, and then arguing saying how he doesn’t feel good. I had to come in and remind him that’s it’s okay to feel like crap, but we can’t talk to each other and make each other feel like crap. We need to own how we feel and take responsibility for it, say what we need.

Later on, I was feeling crappy, and started snapping myself. I noticed, took a deep breath, and told (Husband) and (Daughter): “I feel overstimulated. I can’t do a whole lot right now. I can do this ONE thing, and then I need quiet time.”

I feel _____. I need _____. We’re working with scripts, because at least for me, that’s how I operate best. If I don’t have a script, I can’t compute. 

When it comes to learning about how my disability affects me: One thing I haven’t been able to get out of my head is one of the times I was trying to tell you some new things I learned about autism from a book Rachel recommended to me, and your response was “I don’t want to learn about autism, it’s too depressing.” - I also think a lot about how you’ve compared F* to an albatross chick. I get it, it’s hard, and you guys feel like you’re drowning, but it also makes me wonder if you’ve ever confronted internalized ableism.

What I find depressing about disability (especially autism/adhd) is that society isn’t adapted to how F is. That’s not his fault. It’s not your fault or my fault. Ableism is the one form of bigotry that enables all the other  -isms. “This one body and way of thinking is superior to all the rest”. Growing up with that implicitly being taught your whole life is hard to undo. I had a head start, but I still have to unlearn negative attitudes about myself and others, and I will probably never be done.

AuDHD for me means that I can do anything I find interesting or worthwhile. I can garden, paint, deep dive into whatever topic of the month I’m on. I feel everything way more intensely than everyone else. I’ve been chastised and made fun of for being sensitive, told to toughen up, “You’re not dead” - 

*F is my brother. His autism impacts him in more disabling ways than mine does, in that he is an echolalic communicator (otherwise known as a gestalt language processor, but growing up he was described as "non-speaking", despite the fact that he spoke quite a lot, just in movie quotes.)

#neurodivergent #cycle breaker #vent #gentle parenting #parenting #family #writing