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mrsspidermanmaryjanewatsonparker · 4 years

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Why Mary Jane sucks!

The awful character has been praised and protected and given special treatment by the fans, and especially Marvel, for far, far too long. It’s time we all woke up and saw this dreadful character for who she is! As such here are just a few (of a potential 500 I assure you) reasons Mary Jane sucks!

1. She’s a readhead

Famously Mary Jane has red hair.

You know what else is red?

Fire.

Fire HURTS people!

What’s Marvel trying to say huh?

That kids should play with fire!

2. Her entire character is about drugs

Mary Jane is slang for marijuana. In presenting a sexy character called Mary Jane in the 1960s the deviants that were Stan Lee and John Romita Senior OBVIOUSLY were trying to encourage people to use weed, the most dangerous drug of all time!

3. She was clearly the main villain of Into the Spider-Verse

Some months ago a sharp eyed viewer put forward a daring theory.

It stated that Mary Jane betrayed Peter Parker to the Kingpin in Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.

Whilst I hold the utmost respect for that poster’s clinical film analysis skills, I have to disagree.

Mary Jane didn’t betray Peter to the Kingpin.

Because the Kingpin was clearly working for her the whole time!

Once you spot the clues it’s incredibly obvious. A subtle but really big example is the Kingpin’s body language throughout the movie. Kids and dumber viewers might not have noticed it but that’s the body language of someone in fear of his superiors, someone who is subservient in absolutely every way.

But WHO could he be working under? Who else but Mary Jane...from Peter B. Parker’s universe.

That’s what makes his ending so tragic. He rings that doorbell at the end of the movie and doesn’t realize he’s delivered himself into the hands of the true evil of the multiverse!

4. She made Peter quit being Spider-Man

Whenever I bring this point up people seem to presume I’m talking about the groan inducing years she was married to Spider-Man. Not true. Mary Jane’s toxic influence upon our hero predates that. She didn’t just make him quit during the Spider-Marriage but in fact EVERY time he ever quit.

Spider-Man No More? That was her?

Amazing Spider-Man #17? That was her too! I know Peter hadn’t actually met her back then but facts are facts those 5 minutes he retired were all down to her!

5. Marrying Spider-Man made Spider-Man comics bad for 20 years!

It’s been well documented by astute and respected creators like Joe Quesada, Dan Slott and Tom Brevoort many times before, but when Mary Jane married Spider-Man the Spider-Man books tanked big time.

In fact EVERY comic sunk to a new low. Rob Liefeld drew X-Force. Iron Man became a teenager. Superman got a mullet.

This can all be very directly traced back to Mary Jane marrying Spider-Man, a fact I blame the character for first and foremost not the writers. I mean when you have a character like that in your comic books it’s essentially inevitable that good writing isn’t an option.

Thank God for Joe Quesada’s Magmum Opus. Without it we’d have been denied all time classics like Amazing Spider-Man #553, an issue so memorable I don’t even need to reference anything from it. Y’all KNOW what I’m talking about!

6. She was RACIST!

Now okay TECHNICALLY Mary Jane was never really been racist.

But subtext is a thing and MJ famously hated Spidey’s black costume and his ex girlfriend Black Cat, both of which were always intended to subtextually represent the African American community.

Thus MJ’s dislike of them was unsubtle as it was bigoted.

Mary Jane hates black people.

7. She encourages sadomasochism

Not only is MJ’s name slang for a drug but think about what her name rhymes with?

Pain.

Through her Marvel sought to encourage impressionable readers to harm themselves through subtle subconscious rhyming. Kids aren’t dumb they’d obviously make the connection!

8. She ruined lingerie and other underwear

Throughout the Spider Marriage Marvel put Mary Jane in all manner of lingerie and sexy underwear to presumably titillate the readers.

But having such a repugnant character wear such clothing had the adverse effect of making readers repulsed by such items of clothing whenever they saw them.

Think of all the poor souls who read such comics and must have had what amounted to PTSD flashbacks upon walking into clothing stores. Think of the money that must’ve been lost for those businesses as a result.

Think of all the relationships that must’ve wrecked!

For. Shame!!!!!

9. She’s totally bland and one note

Let’s review the all time great love interests of Spider-Man’s life shall we?

Cissy Ironwood. Marcy Kane. Deb Whitman. Aprile Maye. Carlie Cooper. Liaeean Taeeang. Gwen Stacy (well once Stan got rolling on her around issue #100 or so).

All brilliant characters who need no introduction. Characters who’s names alone conjur up vivid memories of vital moments they contributed to Spider-Man history for fans far and wide.

Why is that you may ask?

Simple.

Unlike Mary Jane they had personalities!

They had character development!

I mean Marcy Kane’s progression from grad student and teaching assistant into being revealed as an alien is if we’re being honest the greatest character arc of anyone in Spider-Man history. It was so great they had to make the big reveal in the all time classic 1984 Jack of Hearts mini-series! Now you can’t say THAT about Mary Plain!

10. Marvel have always preferred her over Gwen Stacy

It’s no secret that the higher ups at Marvel, and this was especially true from the late 1990s onwards, have over idealized, over romanticized and engaged in outright revisionist history when it comes to Mary Jane, building her up as an unattainable level of greatness.

This is especially true of Joe Quesada but credit where credit is due, he was professional enough to divorce his personal feelings towards the character when crafting his opus One More Day and his almost as good sequel One Moment in Time.

But raising up Mary Jane was always at the expense of poor Gwen, surely the most underrated of all Spider-Man love interest, nay, Marvel characters of all time.

When was the last time you EVER saw Gwen get ANY appreciation huh?

Certainly not when they killed her off. Much like ITSV this story is a case of people missing the subtle clues as if you pay close attention, you can see Mary Jane literally pushing Gwen off the bridge and snapping her neck too.

Gwen deserved better of course but alas from then on we could only turn to the oh so occasional flashback to see her again. Because of this red headed devil we were denied such great scenes like that one time Gwen Stacy said she was in love with Peter or that time she cried to her Dad.

Instead we are subjected to garbage like this!

#Spider-Man #mjwatsonedit #mary jane watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker #Gwen Stacy #Peter Parker #Joe Quesada

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