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sunriseintropicisle · 3 years

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HUJI photo dump

I was just cleaning up my phone and transferring and deleting photos on my phone to make it tidier and freed the space, and I bumped into the HUJI folder in my gallery, which consist of pretty random image from the past 2 years. I occasionally take photos with HUJI as it has the enhancing effect and somewhat make the images looks better than my actual phone camera. So here are some photos I’ve categorized to the event they are in. One of the way to remember how the pre-Covid life looks like to us—as at this point, 1,5 years in, we honestly starting to forget, right?

Fig. 1 — the latest quarantine activities.

Clockwise: (1) Newly opened TUKU store in Rawamangun; (2) Jigsaw puzzle as my latest obsession; (3) Writing journal that has helped me through growing up life; (4) Perfectly made ramen noodle as the complimentary for my home made ramen dish.

Fig. 2 — home made food in the early of quarantine

Well it was when we were still excited on what the quarantine have in store for us, the newly-shifted lifestyle, where everyone suddenly became the expert in cooking (me inclued).

PS. After awhile I got weary and no one at home eat my food.

Clockwise: (1) The DoubleTree’s cookies that made its entrance to became one of the popular bakes during quarantine; (2) Croutons and bread pudding I made from the leftover white bread; (3) Nachos and its queso dip my mom made (and store for our snacking amenities for weeks); (4) Banana bread and muffin with oat crumbs on top.

Fig. 3 — foods I enjoyed pre-Covid

Well, these are the photos taken before Covid so of course I can only star at the picture of these now that we shall not get together with fellas.

Clockwise: (1) Some platter foods from everyone’s favorite humble restaurant Toodz House; (2) the famous, all over the world Swedish Meatball from IKEA; (3) Complimentary Starbucks drink on Wednesday where I usually treat myself of any food/beverage PLUS my religious solitude time; (4) my one last hang out karaoke in the Korean restaurant celebrating the closing of on of our project—loved the Korean chicken so much, duh, of course.

Fig. 3 — Japan Trip in 2019

Me and friends’ impulsive trip to Japan where we booked the ticket during our lunch time because there was a sale flight, we got really cheap price for our flight to Japan, only realizing close to the D-Day that everything else is expensive (Ha!). Nonetheless, I guess I would not land my feet in Japan had it not because of our impulsiveness.

Clockwise: (1) Shinjuku Gyoen Park; (2) Our flight in JAL airlines where I just found out that soba taste really good; (3) Full day of bike rides in Kyoto—really love the city, and the decision to stroll around with bicycle was the right decision; (4) Night stroll in Tokyo.

I did not remember much about this Japan trip. We went there with very little plan and as basically we four are not the person whose into anything ‘hype’ so I don’t remember us strolling on a really touristy place. We did not eat in the famous eatery either, and nor did we take lots of picture. (lol so what was the point of the trip? Just chill I might say).

Fig. 4 — PEOPLE

As much as I enjoy my own company, but it is no joke how being mostly on my own really take a toll on my wellbeing. That being said, I still need people around me, and looking back the above photos, these are some people I befriend with over the years.

Clockwise: (1) My desk mate since the first day I joined my late firm till the day I resigned early this year. We enjoyed talking a LOT and more of gossiping lol; (2) Mila, my kosan friend whom I know since freshmen, we happened to live two rooms away from each other in kosan and that’s where the bond started. To date we still chat occasionally and even we share a Tumblr page (that has been long down); (3) Sending off my partner to study which mark the one year journey of our long distance relationship. PS. Now has been back for almost a year and the LDR part was a relatively easy ride for us, compare to what the following months after he’s back had in store for us 🤪; (4) Another work colleague, this photo taken on the night we went karaoke at Jaya Pub as a farewell to our other friend.

So yeah, it was life before WFH happens, before wearing mask, and before we had to distance ourselves in order to keep us safe. Longing to the day I can dine out and chat with friends again, even throw a hug when we see them (can I believe that I am writing this???).

#mentaridaily #mentariwrites #hujicam #precovid #daily life #huji #foods

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sunriseintropicisle · 3 years

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A reflection of one month offs

Around these days is the mark of me signing out from the social media for a month. It is quite notable and worth celebrating for myself, but above all I need to reflect on what the time off has given me.

For the background, previously the social media that I actively using were Twitter and Instagram. Yes, it is not the real Insta, but I have a spare account of Instagram that allows me to look something that I really enjoy — and I do have a lot of restriction on this Instagram, in order to pursuing my stress-free social media (among of them being not following people that I know, always declutter the following of maximum 100 account, and blablablah). And for the Twitter itself, my account is very limited to the people that I know (thumb rule being the person that follow me should be the one I have, at some point in life, talked to directly). Also I use Facebook and Youtube. In this hiatus, I do not count Facebook and Youtube as for me those does not causing me stress as much as Twitter and Instagram did.

It was on Friday that I think, I was panicking. It came to me so suddenly and resulting me having a short of breath while I cried. I cried previously, yes, but I have never had my breath shorted like that. I felt miserable. It was the result of a week seeing bad news of Covid 19 and people on social media being people on social media, commenting of all the things they can, with the holier than thou attitude. Ah, for this matter plus seeing LinkedIn and seeing friends have new jobs or have the anniversary of jobs, while I am currently very questioning what I am doing.

I have always wanted to take the time off of Twitter, but never seemed to successfully done it. Until the afternoon of that Friday, I think I really need to spare it for myself, so I logged out my Twitter and deleted the Finstagram — and for the whole weekend I went MIA, not replying to any messages (which were not many either). That weekend I came out feeling much better and getting used to carry on the day without checking Twitter and Instagram, until this day.

Thank God I did not have the urge, I do not think of any joy left (at least for the moment) in knowing the thought of my friends. There are times though, where I, ever slightly tempted to log in back to my Twitter just to know, but then, I thought of those stressing days, and I refused.

Overall, having to go through my day without knowing what people are doing is beyond great. People always ask though, to me, how can I live not knowing what people are doing? It just.. you don’t know what you don’t know. And for the perspective, I don’t feel like we always have to know about people’s birthday, big events and what not, let alone to know the details of their daily routine. My main personal reason is because I can’t handle that, really. I can’t help finding myself comparing what other people’s life to my life, which, when I do not have to compare them to, is great — simple as always but I feel content.

#mentariwrites #mentaridaily #mental clarity

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sunriseintropicisle · 3 years

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Mini Review: Netflix’s Lovestruck in the City

My partner claimed it to be his favorite K-Drama and pressing me to watch it. While I am not a sucker for watching a series (man, talking about the commitment we have to put in!) I watched it anyway because at the time I was idle since my new jigsaw puzzle (the only thing that keeps me busy lately) has not arrived.

Plus, it was only 30 minutes and 1 season. So I give it a go.

Thought

It was an okay watch. I almost stop in the beginning because it does not give the roller coaster and sparks as Startup had. I am not a movie person, but based on my amateur experience, the story was really slow until it reach Episode 10 (being 2/3 of the whole series). But after that, the story made sense in my opinion and the way it unravels was placed in all the right place. Also after things unravel, I can appreciate more of the actress’ acting skill because she is able to show the differences of Lee Eun-O’s character before and after the ‘trigger event’.

In addition to that, I personally held dear the scene in Episode 16 where Rin-yi break up with Kyung-joon because Kyung-joon can not accept Rin-yi ‘s way of life: she only work part time and did not want to go to university (I am not sure the university meant was undergrad or grad level, though). She explains that she feels sufficient of what she has, and that she prefers to have less income but to have more free time.

Are you jabbed? I am.

It just something that has been going on in my internal head—me seeing all these friends held up a career path, which I believe parallel to the increase of their salary, and later on bonuses and facilities. Maybe sometimes I feel envy because I don’t have the defined “success” of what they have, yet I always remind myself that so far I am feeling good actually, and I have no intention, in doing what they are doing... Knowing that it will again, take a toll in my emotions and maybe in a long run, health.

Because maybe all this times, I knew what I want (and it is nothing to do with corporation life, and everything to do with leisure time for me to read a book, listen to podcast, and very recently, of course, play jigsaw puzzle), but at the same time I always make myself rethink that maybe I want the traditional definition of success, because after all, it is easier to be defined and not being overlooked.

It’s very easy to misinterpreting when one say “yeah, I love sitting around in my house” (which what I really do in real life, often just looking at the greens around me) to be lazy. And I think I just don’t have the guts to show myself as a lazy person, even sometimes I mixed it in my head whether the kind of life I am doing or want in a long run is exactly what people’s definition of lazy. Hence maybe I am sugar coating it for myself to ensuring that I want a corporate job. I do, though, but I realize it is only to the extent that having something to work on makes me feel good about myself and accomplished, so far it really solely for myself.

And that’s why I really hit by the episode. I want Rin-yi’s boldness to acclaim that her life’s enough and she is okay to live her own definition of success / what really matters for her.

Other than that, I am so agree with the reason why my partner really love the series: the warm and genuineness that shown in Lee Eun-O and Park Jae-Won’s relationship. It just freeing to see a relationship that show two people who are just love to be with each other (although of course so many questions arose while watching—how can they don’t know each other’s background? How can one extend their holiday for a month? How can Lee Eun-O is still retain that fair skin against all odds that she go on surf every single day?)

But yes, it is only a drama and I am trying so hard for my brain not to party-pooping every good things that come across in my mind, so I tried to accept the things as they are.

Score

All in all it is a ⭐⭐⭐/5 from me. It was not something that will make you jiggling and out of your mind (just like what Startup did to me, hehe), but it can make you feel warm and wholesome.

#mentariwrites #mentaridaily #kdrama #lovestruck in the city #netflix #review #heartfelt #wholesome #quarantine #quarantine and chill

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sunriseintropicisle · 3 years

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Things that makes me happier

I gave up posting number in front of my post title, initially it was to mark whether I reach the goal of posting a writing every week, which made me had to post 52 writings for the year of 2021, and by this point I am pretty sure I am not gonna reach that number so yes, we can forget it.

So I personally feel like recently I am in a better state of being, and have lots of idea coming up in my head. While I still religiously write on my handwritten journal, I feel like writing, in case my nonexistent reader would like to know, or give some inspirations. Lol, like who you are.

No, really, I am just really believe in sharing, and I would love to know if my mundane knowledge or experience be insightful even to only one other person. Because I myself found multiple times that a knowledge/sharing that someone posted online impacted me greatly - hence I am just thinking about the other me who may be seeking the things I am about to say/share.

Things that makes me happier are:

Intermittent Fasting

I have been doing IF for 2 weeks now, and yeah, it makes me feel good. I started initially because, duh, like everyone else, I wanted to lose weight. Some might want to kick me in the ass for saying such thing, and assure me that I have normal body and yada yada. And, as straight forward as it is - I just want to be as skinny as possible. Hahaha. Maybe it is something to do with me very sold into the standard beauty, or maybe it’s got to do with something in the past - I was quite cheeky.

However, even though I always say that I want to lose weight, over the years I have never really made the effort. Some days I took it hard some days it just a normal day, me eating this and that and whatnot. But then I have noted the intention of me wanting to be so skinny, on top of those beauty standard I believe have huge impact in me and a quite hard time in the past for being cheeky is because it simply makes me feel lighter, not holding anything within my body. Because for the context and some TMI, I have a not so good digestion, so yeah. There was a period of the time that I often I feel stuffed and bloated - which felt so uncomfortable, that I can’t stand working while sitting because I felt my stomach is getting on my way.

I tried IF a while back, and it worked for me, so now I decided to try it again now. Intention achieved. I believe it was because the time window for eating that pool all the food I eat in a day to be only consumed for certain times (I do 7 hours, my best convenience). I used to eat on times where, looking back, I was not really hungry, you know. Like breakfast - turned out (I don’t know why I forget about this) that I am not a breakfast person. All through high school I don’t remember myself sitting, eating breakfast in my uniform.

But then I just picked up a habit of eating breakfast while my stomach is actually not really ready for it, which end up making me feel bloated that last long all through lunch and pretty much for the day - and then without me knowing the new day has begin, and the cycle starts all over.

So yeah, IF had helped me to be to schedule my eating time which made my digestion works better I guess, and no more me having a bloated stomach constantly.

Quitting Social Media

Finally I succeed in cutting myself with social media. This, I also had tried in the beginning of the pandemic I guess - went on without social media for weeks and at that time I really felt the benefit and all, until I came back to social media and can not disconnect ever since. Even though I have been wanting to detox myself, but at the same time I felt really dependent on it.

It took me one lows moment of life to finally be able to went cold turkey about disconnecting. It was when I felt frustrated on Twitter news where every day it seems like there were a bad news - people died, people lost jobs, people complaining, the news about our incompetent and corrupt government and so on. Without me realizing, it took a toll on myself. Other than that was me who checking in Linkedin constantly at the time and seeing my friends’ profile whose climbing up the corporate ladder, while I was unsure and questioning whether I am in the right place (sounds like the problem of these days youth who lives in their own bubble, yeah?).

So one Friday where I had one of my breakdown, I went MIA for the weekend to the people who are close to me, as well as to my social media. It’s only been 2 weeks now, but it is safe to say that I can reclaim myself within these times, suddenly lots of thinking came up to me, as if all these times the bad news maybe somewhat oppress it or something. And, I also feel more certain about what is going on my mind/heart.

I believe quitting social media has its downside as well, as like I really am not having an update on the news (90% of my news source is Twitter - how sad yet could not be truer for most of us), I completely blind on our Covid update I even think that Covid is slowing down in the territory. Yeah, as expected you lose win some as well as you lose some, but for now at leas, I decided to win for myself.

Olympic 2020

I have never watched Olympic before, as far as I remember. Nor that I care about it. But this time is different. I believe the fact that we are on privilege to be in the safety of home have a huge part in me having the opportunity to watch the Olympic - thanks for that. For almost two weeks I was hooked to my TV, even one time I was on my TV from 6am to 10pm and watched all the games they aired.

To have the company to watch was a big advantage as well. As now I have my sibling in the house, I teamed up with my sister to watch the Olympic, we both did not know that we enjoyed it so much that we invested in each game we watched. We cheered for athletics, we scream for badminton, we gasped for weightlifting. It was a very fun experience. For almost two weeks I change my work station in front of the TV and so did my sister.

On top of that, what made Olympic special and very intrigued me was the diversity of the athletes. I guess I just did not exposed to such diversity as it was presented in the Olympic. I was presented with some very foreign countries whose name I hardly heard, or the people whose features were different one another.

Questions like why some sports dominated my a certain race while other sports dominated by others also popped out in my head. And not to mention my awed to each of these Olympian athletes when they perform their sports, I always wonder what it takes for them to be there right now - how many years of training, how much tears were sacrificed and relationships had to be let go. There were just so many elements of the Olympics that made me really drawn and invested in it.

Youtube

Surprise, surprise.

Well, my attraction to Youtube recently was different because of the previous para - Olympic. Because of getting really drawn into the Olympic athlete, I was searching lots of reference videos. And as we all know how we are being spied and we are mere a number for these big tech companies, they get to know me better know and present me with more content that I love (or else I had never discovered).

I am not sure what I searched previously, but Youtube chose that I now an avid cultural researcher, jk. Yeah, I watched a lot about something culture-related on Youtube because it is funny, looking back, I was once really attracted to be a global citizen and what not (what a flavor of youth!!), traveling the world, meeting people from other countries, make impact in the NGO (before long I know the NGOs are mostly funded by big corporations as well, heart breaking reality for me).

What I am saying is that the savvy man-made tech of Youtube has made me rediscover my old interest about culture! And I just actually learn that you can learn a lot from Youtube’s comment section, which debates often open up you to things which are (1) people can comment based on data and have every intention to educate other people; and (2) people more often be ignorant, and how much you are on the right stance, with the wrong people, you can still be, yeah wrong.

Somehow the lesson I gained in the Youtube’s comment section was really grounding to me to realize these polar of people, and in the end what you can do is only simply be you because after all, people really will hold on to their own opinion and belief.

Jigsaw Puzzle

RECCOMENDED 100/100. Damn, wasn’t it a good choice when one day I decided to try out jigsaw puzzle to entertained myself while waiting my partner to reply my chat message?

On the one of the breakdown moment I mentioned I believe that I had to have distraction and I thought of either a puzzle or a coloring book. I ended up buying both, but I am positive that I am more drawn to jigsaw puzzle. I first ordered a 1500 piece puzzle and when it first came, I kind of secretly afraid that I will give up. Also my mother being my mother and she was pessimist that I would finish the puzzle.

But one time I was just playing by myself, not expecting anything or even asked anyone to help me (afraid that I put too much task on other people), yet my sister helped me out, and a while after my mom helped we out as well. Resulting in the puzzle finished in 3 days. Soon after I order new puzzle, and so did my sister. Her order came first and it was a 1000 pieces puzzle, which we finished in 2 hours (boo, it turned out to be too easy), and now we are opening up our 3rd puzzle and tried to work on it.

I am just really happy that I discovered it, it is really great way to bond and filling time. And every time I successfully put the pieces together - that just very satisfying feelings! I believe I will have more and more puzzle to come in the near future.

I hope one of the thing above will work out for you and make you happier as well as it had affected me. 🤗

#mentariwrites #mentaridaily #happier #puzzle #lockdown

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sunriseintropicisle · 3 years

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#9: Key West

Today turns out to be worst than yesterday? I am surprise... Because the previous days I only feel lonely at night, but today when it is not even noon, I just (honestly I am crying while typing..).

Often times, when I am feeling really down and sad, I tried to recall better days in my life. And that days that I hold dear were always the day on the 24th of January, 2013 and couple days that follows.

By now I honestly forget the feeling, but I always remember myself sitting on the bus thinking that “this feels so good it’s surreal”. I think it was the feeling of the surreal-ness of me being at the bus so far away from home with these 80 other foreign kids, and how we were so alike and really entertained by each other’s presence. I can’t quite explain, but maybe even then I knew that was one of the days that I will hold on dear in my mind for life, days I will revisit when I am feeling down, recalling days that I was really, genuinely, completely blissful.

It was a road trip to Key West, a tiny island off south the Florida. We rode the bus along Florida and picking up guys at every meeting point. I lived in the north part so I was one of the firsts to got on the bus and welcoming people on board. My guess that our trip from the north to south took 6 hours (but when I googled it’s 8-ish actually). Along those hours what we did were singing, laughing, switching sit, and there were the place I met new friends as well.

I brought a sketchbook for people to get to draw and write messages for me and it was packed. One of the ‘masterpiece’ was this picture made by Jan and Gabi:

#YOLO #$WAG and okay one word I can’t say because I just know it was very insensitive to use and offensive. But you see another hashtag on that picture.

To date, I always have a special thing for Key West, as the place itself is beautiful and calming, very touristy... Maybe one day I can visit Key West again.

Well, okay now that I am taking a break from my reality by recalling memories of my pas days, I feel better. Definitely will post a lot of throwbacks if that helps me getting through loneliness then.

Stay hydrate and stay away from the virus. XO

#mentaridaily #mentariwrites

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sunriseintropicisle · 6 years

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An unpopular opinion: Why can’t someone push me harder (1)

Background to my life: I am 22 years young now, living under the roof with my parent, brother and now a kitty. I am almost graduating from one of the best university in Indonesia, they said and majoring in law. All circumstances in my life happen mostly because of luck, and God’s will. At least, that’s what I thought.

This piece I am about to write is something that I have been thinking since second/early third year of university. Oh by the way, this post is also inspired by my friend’s blog post “Being Average”.

I did my whole life pretty great. I am no the top rank in my class, the cute kid who are adored by the elders, the bright brilliant kid who win competitions, neither the confident who lead school’s play. Growing up, I am fat (like, super fat and above average of my peers at that time, haha), I enrolled in ballet class and I was nothing like my friend who were so tiny and gracious, as long as I remember myself in ballet class, I am just the big one who always placed on the back during the show, and even as early as in elementary school, I felt insecurities coming from not being able to answer the exam questions, yet being surrounded by—at that time, the brilliants among the class. I got sick so often even (remember, this is elementary school) because I was to afraid to face math classes that it even crumples my mood and made me sick. In short, elementary school was not as easy as it seems to many other kids.

PS. I went to public school and the teacher were most likely to like objectified a kid, uh, shame.

Well my parent, I think they sort of know but not really about my condition at that time. I remember one time they try to calmed me when I had bad grades, and they support me financially and enrolled me to additional courses. Something like that. So with their help, I can survive. Plus, there was no more requirements from them for me being the top of the class or anything.

Moving on, I was not interested in going to the top public school there ever was, I am interested in going to private school near my house, that also known to be ‘hard to get into’. With all the average knowledge I had at that time, I got it. I don’t know how but I got it. So yeah, elementary school chapter was over. And I am ready to get to junior high school.

Same old same old happen in junior high school, I was not brilliant and found major difficulties in some science subjects. And being the angst teenager at that time, I believe now that I act so weird and rebellious around the house. (disclaimer: if I said something about rebellious or naughty or anything, I guarantee it is nothing like you imagine, because overall I am very normal teenager. Looking back, I feel like I was just hard to be around at that age). But again, my parent never really complain, nor to force me to be in top class. Or even when I had to enroll to high school, they don’t choose the school. I chose the school, and they will provide anything else they could. There has never been a pressure from my parent. They follow the flow, and most of the idea or wills came from me. Anyway a little information, towards the end of my junior high school year I, again, got sick a little too often because I was too afraid to face exams I think. Thinking about it now, how the school system and the hierarchy of smart people is above everyone-average brained people is intolerable, and that, creating an unnecessary pressure, I believe I was not the only one. I think I had a rather low self esteem just because the whole academic thing.

Moving on to high school, the road is also rather easy for me. I was not aiming for to get into the best high school in the city, but I settled for the school I went before (it has both junior and high school, tough they are the same school, you still have to take a test to get into it and still, it was not easy). Fortunately, I manage to got in. So, the rest of school year after I got accepted, I was not really trying so hard to get into highest score of national exam, because... I was not planning to go to public school anyway. Nor that my parent pushed me to. I have seen friends who were forced to go to public school so that they can have “a better future” and “easier access to public university”. Me? Again, no pressure from my parent. That was the school I originally intended to go.

First year of high school was still rough because I still met any science subjects (to sum it up from my experiences, I think math, chemistry, biology and all its genes are the source of my comfortableness at school. But really.) At this point the hot topic was whether you go into science or social stream. (in Indonesia when you got 11th grade -- now it is 10th grade tho-- you get to choose what interest you more, so that you can more ‘concentrate’ on what you like. Uhm, yea that just the general idea). Most of parent pushes their kids to get to science stream, some of the reasons are: 1) it filled with more ‘qualified’ student; 2) it holds more pride, if I may say; 3) just because...; 4) kids in social stream tend to be looked at—anything less than those in science stream. Another popular opinion was, that you can go to any major in university when you took science stream, even when you turned out not taking things like medical, engineer or science, you can always cross the bridge. But once you took social streams, it’s like you burn the bridge and you can’t take any science major in university.

For me, because at that time I clearly know that I will not take any science-related field in university or even later in life, so I am proudly chose social stream. This time, my Mother sort of request and advice me to went after science stream, one of the reason was mention above, but I refuse. Thanks God she did not insist either. Even tho every was and then she still mentioned I should’ve gotten into science stream. But whatever. Hahaha.

After years of having myself tortured among science subjects, this time I can be finally free. Well, not completely because I still have math subject in which I continue my struggle. But I gladly says school’s better without any science subjects and I elevated in my academic life... sort of. From 11th grade people has started to discussing where they wanna go to university. Of course they tend to pick the best university in the country, while the naive me, I already had my dear university I want to enroll in. The case’s sort of the same like my high school. It is a good school, but it is not the best school. It’s like while everyone’s shooting for the star, I only aim for the moon. And I am happy with my choice. I consulted this with my parents, and I think they don’t react to anything about this, I mean they did not forbid me and push me to public university, they just okay with that. It’s what they always had been. An okay for every situation.

One year passed that I did not spend in home, I was away doing exchange year, and coming back, I still wanted to go to that good school. Long story short, they have the free-test enrollment, so I applied and got in. My parent paid the fee, and basically I am good to go for the rest of school year. While everyone around me were whining and stressing about those bests school, what major should they take. But my parent still request me to took the test, because after a year away, they wanted me to live close to home. So yeah I did the test, with choosing three options in which I swear by the first twos and gave a random pick for my third. My parent supported me along the way, they had nothing to lose and so did I at the time. I did everything, again and again with no pressure from anyone.

Turned out God is good and I got into that third option I picked randomly, Faculty of Law, University of Indonesia. And as I said, it is the best school, not just the good school... And it just about to begin the whole experience. Until then!

Warmest,

#mentariwrites

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sunriseintropicisle · 4 years

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Amazed how it is only Thursday morning and all I want is lingers in here to pour all the feels that were never said

#mentariwrites #mentaridaily

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sunriseintropicisle · 6 years

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An unpopular opinion: Why can’t someone push me harder (2)

This is the second part of the story, and it is where the title come from.

As I mentioned before, this is the best school. (whenever I said it, it is nothing of a brag, it just to emphasize the differences there were between here and any other place, for example my high school, the good-and not yet the best school).

Well because it is a public school and the best school, I have friends from different background whom I never thought of befriended. There were thousands who enrolled, and just few hundreds that accepted. Maybe in numbers, when you got accepted in here, it means that you beat, I don’t know... 7? 8? people out there. You get the idea.

So it draws the idea of how hard to get it. And yes, once you are in, these people are not your average people. At least for me.

These people are not people I met in my high school who let life just be. These people plans how life should be.

These people are not those who only aim for the stars, they aim for the furthest star possible to be reached.

While as far as I concern, I am still that teenage girl aiming for the moon.

And I thought, these people probably trained from their early life to be #1 in everything they do. Or maybe to get here even. Or to excel in so many things, and capable of doing so many talents. These people must have a hard-willed, demanding family or environment that shapes them to be as competitive as they are.

In that moment. I started to blame my family and my environment growing up. Why did I lead such an easy-breezy life? Why never had my parent push me into something? Why did not I being taught how to excel? Why did not someone demand me to be something big? Why has never someone navigates me through life? Why don’t I ever had pressure so big that it makes me ready for every situation? And foremost, why do I just learn this now? At age of 20; that people out there is malignant, ambitious and that life is a competition while all I see before that life is a walk in the park.

It feels isn’t it? Blaming your conformity for spoiling you too deep. Yet, I actually don’t know if things turned the other way around. Say, my parent were the one who always forced me to reach the highest ladder, would I be in the actual top or even the bottom of the ladder because I have no idea how to get to the top and just demotivated all the time. Would I beaten my self too hard then? Or the most popular when the kid become rebellious because of high expectations given by the parent.

But one, two years has gone by and I learned it myself. Even tough I still am the average one, I am glad. Because it just how I can learn; by myself without no one telling me what. I have seen myself grown in some years and I still can see myself flourishing for the years to come. Luckily I am in the right situation where I can take many examples of different path taken, and I can pick the best ones that suits me. And the most important part, that in the process, I did not lost myself in other people’s expectations (not completely, but, for the most part...), and therefore I had a chance to learn and relearn. To took the right path after taken the wrong ones. To have conversation even further, discussion, with me and myself only. And most important of all is to be growing into the person I really wanted to.

Warmest,

#mentariwrites

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