#me: also...thats practically another decade of my life down the drain on education | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xoxoamf27 · 4 years

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White. I’ve always hated the color. You would never catch me in anything white unless it was absolutely necessary. Like a graduation, communion or wedding party. Black had always been my color of choice. It suited me, the way I felt, my outlook on everything, but now all my wardrobe consists of is white nightgowns. Who would have thought that a college educated girl who came from a seemingly normal and functional family would end up here in some facility in the middle of nowhere that is supposed to help me “get better” but in reality is only making me realize that this might have been the true destination I was headed toward for most of my life.

Looking back it all adds up. I had everything. Parents who loved me, a boyfriend who adored me much more than he should have and more than enough money than I knew what to do with. I was privileged, I was spoiled and I was unhappy even with the world practically at my feet. I rebelled every chance I got. I broke the hearts of my family over and over again. At first it was just your typical teenage disrespect but that wasn't enough for me. I had to go bigger, do worse, something inside my head was always nagging me to see how much farther I can push myself when it came to my limits and the limits of others.

I would purposely stay out late, not call or text for days just to have everyone worry about me. Of course I fell in with a bad crowd. Whether it was smoking, boozing, fucking, you name it, I indulged in it and had no care in the world about the consequences. I’ve had my stomach pumped more times than I can count on both my hands.

No one could ever figure out why I am the way I am. Mental illness didn't run in my family. My mother didn't control me, my father didn't assault me. Maybe they should have, then maybe I’d have a real, tangible reason as to why I act the way I do besides the ominous dark feelings that come over me and take me to the point where the new version of myself becomes so strong there is no sense in fighting back. So I don’t. I lay back, let it take over and let the feelings of adrenaline and danger consume me and take me to places I never dreamed.

There was something about feeling like you're a lost cause that gave me a sick feeling of satisfaction. I knew I was different, I knew I was sick but a part of me enjoyed it, so much so that it ultimately led to my extended stay here. Who knows if I’ll ever get out of here. In all honesty, if I were any of these doctors I wouldn't let me out. I am a danger, not just to others, mostly to myself. I’m self destructive and no matter how hard I try, the cycle can’t be stopped.

This isn't the first place I've been shipped off to in an attempt to get my life back on track but it will definitely be the last. I can’t go through sitting in another circle with a group of strangers listening to their truly painful and pitiful pasts as I simply sit there and imagine what I’d be doing if I wasn't forced to sit here and feign interest. Not to mention being forced to where one of those insufferable “Hi, my name is Holly” stickers.

What no one knows is the voices were my first friends. I heard them for the first time when I was ten, but they went away for awhile leaving me alone. They resurfaced when I was fifteen and thats when I started to change. I gave into what they wanted, what they suggested. At first, I was scared but as I got used to it, I thrived. I no longer felt scared or held back by anything but feeling like that comes with a price and I'm paying the price for it now.

I’m tired of the pills, I’m tired of the doctors, I’m tired of the blood that trickles down my wrists when I feel trapped. I have to make a decision, do I ultimately embrace my madness and live out my days continuing this vicious cycle or do I end my pain?

I’m not sure what to do, I never have been. I mainly fly by the seat of my pants but I think I’m over all of it. I have no possible career in sight, I’ve never stayed in a job long enough to see if it was really for me. No real friendships or relationships to look forward to getting back to. I never had many girlfriends and the ones I had were never able to keep up with me and as for my boyfriend I mentioned earlier, he was too good for me. I didn't like seeing him hurt and disappointed in me every time he laid his gorgeous blue eyes on me. He only wanted what was best for me and I promised that I would try to make it work but him and I both knew that it wouldn't stick so we ended it. He was more heartbroken than I was, not that I didn't love him, actually maybe I didn’t. Maybe I was using him so I wouldn't be alone.

Something about being alone frightens me thats why a part of me doesn’t want the voices to go away. I know how it sounds, trust me. Who wants to live life being controlled by destructive voices that run through their head? I mainly want them because their comforting to me, in a way they understand me better than anyone else, which is sad considering their voices and not actual people. I’ve tried to make genuine and lasting connections with others but it never felt natural.

I’m twenty five now and frankly I’m exhausted. The once wild and reckless life I lived for nearly a decade, drained the drive out of me. I’ve come to realize it more now over my weeks here, I’m tired, more than I should be for my age. I just want to sleep, to relax, not to worry. To just close my eyes and float away.

I walked around barefoot as I thought to myself. No one is awake, it is a little after midnight. The orderlies were taking their usual late night coffee break at this hour. I’ve learned the rotation and how to get around unnoticed. Its relatively quiet tonight, I haven’t heard any screams, maybe tonight is a good night after all. As I make my way to the roof, I lingered as I felt the warm summer breeze against my skin. Summer used to be my favorite time of year, but I cant remember the last time I enjoyed a trip to the beach or the feel of the sun on my skin.

The moon was also beautiful, it was full and shined so brightly, it was almost blinding. I ran my fingertips over my scarred arms and remembered each time I dragged that cold, sharp blade against my skin. My arms are like a tragic work of art.

As I stood at the ledge I knew it would hurt but maybe only for an instant, I was no stranger to pain after all, what was wrong with one last bout of it? I knew it would be a mess to clean up for whoever would be tasked with removing me from the pavement but I didn't really care how it would be done.

I was waiting for the voices to start screaming at me for what I was about to do but shockingly I heard nothing. Maybe they knew I had given up and accepted the fact that our time together was over. Its bittersweet in a way, to not hear them at this moment. My heart was pounding so loudly you would think it would be audible to someone else. I forced my eyes shut as it felt as if everything was standing still. I took a deep breath and realized there was no going back, I waited for a split second to see if any of the familiar voices that I had come to know over all these years would call out to me, begging me to stop, to turn around, to go back to bed but there was nothing. I felt myself mouth the words “I’m sorry” as I quickly thought of my parents and all the tears I caused them.

I stepped forward and there was no longer anything beneath me, I was falling and I knew in that instant, I was finally free.

#short story #writing #college

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Dear White, Christian Trump Supporters: We Need To Talk

Plenty of pundits keep telling us progressives that we didnt listen to them in the heartland to you of the white working class, to you of conservative Christianity.

Actually, I grew up as one of you. Ive listened to you my whole life, but I dont think I know how to understand you at all.

I suppose now youd consider me part of the so-called liberal elite. Im a west coast university professor with a Ph.D. and almost 30 years of teaching experience. But Im the daughter of a Southern Baptist, working-class pipe fitter at a paper mill in a small, conservative town in northwest Georgia.

My parents did not go to college (my father finally earned a degree after hed retired from the paper mill). Only one of my four grandparents finished high school. I studied hard, got a scholarship, kept studying, kept working, and I moved into the white collar middle class.

My white conservative Christian upbringing had told me that was the American Dream to work hard and succeed. I did, and I feel youre holding it against me now that I no longer share your views. I think you must imagine the liberal elite as East Coast, Ivy League-educated, trust fund babies completely out of touch with how most people live.

Sure, some faculty members grew up with money. Some went to Ivy League schools. But a lot of us professors were you working class kids who did whatever it took to get a college education. Along the way, a lot of us developed progressive ideas, not out of our privilege, but out of our own experiences of discrimination, struggle, and oppression.

We read and argued and wrote and rewrote. We got peer-reviewed, over and over and over. Our ideas are held to incredibly high, rigorous standards, and so, when we speak we do so carefully, thoughtfully, with nuance, and with openness because sometimes we are also wrong. But because weve studied hard and held ourselves up to professional standards, we really do know a lot about what were talking about, and we have something to offer in a real conversation across our differences (including the East Coast Ivy Leaguers who arent as out of touch as you may think). But I dont think you want to hear us or me.

You tell me I need to get over Trumps election and stop being a sore loser. But politics is not a sport. We dont choose teams and simply cheer ours on to victory. My beloved Atlanta Falcons lost the Super Bowl, and, painful though that was, I will get over it. It hurts, but I wont protest, march, write letters, or otherwise resist the outcome, even if we discover New Englands balls were deflated. Its a game, but its not life or death.

This election, however, is exactly that. Perhaps you can tell me to get over it because you do not have to worry that Trump will appoint a Supreme Court justice that could play a role in invalidating your marriage. If Congress passes and Trump signs the First Amendment Defense Act, you probably wont have to worry that a bakery, restaurant, or hotel might legally deny you service. You dont have to worry about being stranded at an airport and refused admission to the U.S. because of the country youre from or the religion you practice. You dont have to worry about having your family divided across the world with a simple signature on an executive order.

You say you are aggrieved because you have not achieved what you think you deserve or you think some less deserving other has taken it. Despite having moved into the middle class, I have spent my career teaching about and advocating for labor unions, a living wage, affordable childcare, social security, affordable healthcare, accessible higher education. Progressives are actually the ones who support the economic programs and policies that could make a difference for the working class.

You have a right to be aggrieved, but I fear you are targeting the wrong people. Low paying jobs, job insecurity, companies moving work overseas, low benefits, little vacation these are the results of decades of policies that benefit the truly wealthy those whose wealth depends not on the labor of their hands but on their ability to exploit the production of poorly paid laborers. The problem is not that immigrants have taken your jobs or drained money from the safety net. The problem is that the system of wealth sets workers against one another so they do not target the real economic power that limits their work and financial security.

You say you want progressives to listen to you. Then prioritize truth. This election was filled with fake news, shared widely on Facebook, and this administration already has begun to create a language of alternative facts to misinform and mislead. If you want to talk, offer evidence, real evidence based on verifiable data and reliable sources, not wishful imaginings or fabricated Breitbart stories. An internet meme is not an informed and legitimate point of argument that facilitates dialogue. Weve reached a point where youd rather believe an overt lie if it supports a belief you already hold than pursue the truth if it might challenge your currently held belief.

The Bible tells us God is a God of truth and the truth will set us free. Yet you chose someone who lies with impunity. I want to understand how you choose to ignore the evidence that is right in front of your eyes photos of the crowds at two different inaugurations, for example. How do you accept what is proven to be a lie? How do you support someone who, rather than correct the record, doubles down on his lies?

Especially, how do you do this in the name of the God of truth? Before the election I saw one of you whod written as an evangelical Christian in support of Trump that God can use anyone. So help me understand why you thought God could use a man whod said hed never asked God for forgiveness, who serially committed adultery, who said he could grab women by the genitals, who cheated contractors and workers, but you didnt think God could use a woman who is a Christian, a lifelong Methodist and who, from the heart, quotes the Bible and John Wesley (when Trump didnt even know how to say Second Corinthians, which he called Two Corinthians, and when asked for his favorite Bible verse struggled to name one until he landed on an eye for an eye. And you know what Jesus said about that one).

I know youve been offended that progressives have called you racist for voting for Trump. I understand that. You dont see yourself as racist. But you did knowingly vote for someone who insulted Latinos, Blacks, Muslims, and Jews. And women. And LGBTQ people. And people with disabilities. Help me understand how that squares with the notion of Gods love for all people.

Can you really imagine Jesus using the words Trump did about these groups of people? How would you characterize voting for someone who is overtly racist? Help me understand how you align your Christian perspective with his racism, misogyny, homophobia, Islamophobia, and antisemitism.

Im afraid that what you want is a nation that conforms to your interpretation of the Bible. Thats where we really run into trouble because that would require you to force your particular conservative Christian beliefs on everyone else. I dont understand how people who want to claim religious liberty for themselves are so unwilling to give it to everyone, which is actually the premise of true religious liberty.

You say you want a Christian nation, but our founders were clear that was never their goal. In fact, the Constitution goes to great lengths to protect the government from religion and religion from government. I also get the sense that you think people are not Christians if they arent Christian in the same way as you. But cant we find some common ground? Cant we agree that all people should be free to practice their religion or practice no religion and should be safe from coercion based on religion? Cant we agree that we share values of love, kindness, respect, and community and then try to live those with each other? Do you really think a Christian, especially a biblical literalist, can want a wall built?

The Bible is clear about how we are to treat foreigners among us no matter how they got here. What if the Egyptians had built a wall before Mary and Joseph fled from King Herod? Our Christian story starts with a refugee family. Can we not practice our shared Christian values with immigrants and refugees coming to our country?

Cant we find common ground on issues like, say, abortion? I think we could have a common goal of lowering abortion rates. After all, you will never end abortions. Maybe you can end the safe, legal ones, but, one way or another, women will still have abortions. They will just be more likely to die from them.

And heres where I think dealing with facts is crucial to find common ground. We know that abortion rates are lower worldwide when there is no global gag order. We also know that what is most successful in lowering abortion rates is access to contraception, accurate sex education, and personal and economic empowerment for women.

To cling to overturning Roe v. Wade as the only way to end abortions is a fantasy based on ideology rather than medical science and social science, and it flies in the face of the evidence for what is successful. So the real question is are you more interested in actual effectiveness in lowering abortion rates or ideological purity? We can lower abortion rates together but not by denying women choices over their own bodies. We can be effective together by listening to the data and working together to ensure all women have access to contraception, education, and social and economic resources. Are you willing to have that conversation?

Ive heard some of you say that well just have to agree to disagree, but thats a problem. You see, were not talking about ideas here. Were talking about actual human lives. If we were talking about predestination or modes of baptism or premillennialism, Id say, sure, lets agree to disagree. The stakes are pretty low. But if were talking about the rights of people to access housing, clean water and air, and healthy food or the possibility of a nuclear arms race or discrimination written into law or women losing basic life-saving health screenings, or young black men being incarcerated disproportionately, or Native peoples having their sacred sites desecrated and their water poisoned, or Muslim people being targeted for their faith, then the stakes are much higher, and I cannot simply agree to disagree.

Thats why Im writing you now. We need to talk, and I dont know how to talk to you anymore. I need to know, is it more important to you to win than to do good? Or can we build coalitions? Listen to science? Rely on real evidence? Be effective? Put the needs and rights of all others above ideologies? Can we live the love of God we claim? You want me to hear and understand you. I get that. I also want you to hear and understand the rest of the world that is not you or your kind. Because they too are Gods people and therefore are in the circle of those whom we must love. You taught me that when I was a child. If we can agree on that now, we have a place to start.