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lola-babylon · 5 months

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Ryan Ross does not exist and I can prove it

Don't worry. He's not.

Ryan Ross fans continue to wait patiently for any sign of new music from him. Some loved his work in Panic at the Disco, some are huge fans of his solo releases and live performances captured on YouTube, And as long as you're into pretty looking guys, there's a Ryan Ross for every bisexual taste. Hold up. Is it not kinda weird that he looked so very different in every six month period?

Where is he, the prodigious beautiful boy whose creative vision propelled an early Panic at the Disco to their early fame? It's like it was never real.

It was never real. Ryan Ross does not exist.

"Ryan Ross" was only ever a dream, an alternative persona Pete Wentz created in 2004. Pete wanted to delve further into his adolescent experiences in song lyrics, but fearing the ridicule that would come if Fall Out Boy, now all well into their twenties, started exploring such themes, he brooded over what to do before deciding he could create a new band. He'd find young, talented performers for the positions of lead singer, drums and bass who would perform as themselves; but Pete would insert himself into the band via an avatar, a brooding, Chuck Palanhiuk reading lyricist who would exorcise Pete's teenage demons through the character of "Ryan Ross".

Pete drafted a back story for Ryan Ross - a young kid from Vegas who'd found solace in words and music - then scouted for young, unknown performers who could embody his Ryan Ross character. Any performer who would play the Ryan Ross character obviously had to be able to sing at least well enough to perform live harmonies, and to play guitar. But there are hundreds of young musicians with these skills. And whilst viewing yet another stack of videos of guitar playing 18 year olds who'd responded to the ad that simply asked for audition tapes from young admirers of Blink 182, MCR and FOB who were interested in playing guitar in a new band, Pete hit on an idea.

After all, if he cast an upcoming new performer as "Ryan Ross" in the new band he was putting together, and the band hit it big, surely that person would demand to be outed to the public as their real selves. The intention was always for any musician performing as Ryan Ross to sign an NDA as part of their contract, but Pete could envision a nightmare scenario two or three years into the hopefully successful career of the band he was putting together; a musician tired of the lie and wanting their own share of glory telling him "hey Pete, sure you write the lyrics, but it's me who is up on stage, playing the music, singing, on the magazines, in the webzines. I want people to know it's me, not this imaginary Ryan Ross character".

If that happened, no NDA would be worth as much as the outcry from the media and fans, as much as a musician who signed a contract as a naive teenager would demand as a seasoned performer with years of touring under his belt.

Realising this, Pete hit on the evil genius element of his whole scheme (and also a lyric for London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines). There wouldn't be one Ryan Ross. Instead, from the time he first hyped up the band in blog posts in 2005, there would be a continually rotating cast of "Ryans": every few months, there would be a new skinny jeans wearing guitarist to take over the role of Ryan, to ensure that no individual "Ryan" would ever believe they had enough star power to pull the whole project down.

These are all pictures of the same person? Really?

With high school friends Brendon, Spencer and Brent, and the first of the "Ryan"s in place, Pete's Panic project hit the ground running. There's was even an adorable story of how Pete discovered the band when Fall Out Boy fan Ryan sent him his new band's demos via Live Journal - simultaneously an "it might happen to you" moment for the Milennial generation, and prompting baffled takes on what this internet thing means for music from older music journalists.

That origin story was the closest anyone got to pulling back the curtain on the Wizard of Emo. The true origins of Panic at the Disco - how and why Pete and Ryan actually made the initial connection that made Pete listen to a fan's demos, drive to Vegas to listen to their band barely able to play their instruments live, then sign said band on this slim basis - was a murky, kalaedoscopic story, "details shifting between each telling of the tale[...] details behind how they made contact, and what was said, are eternally changing and never told quite the same way twice". No wonder, when it entered the record on the basis of a Pete Wentz needing to obscure the truth, and a succession of Ryans reciting for interviewers someone else's memory of what never happened.

But the obvious part of the deception - the fact that "Ryan Ross" never looked like the same person from one season to the next? Pete could barely believe he got away with it, but he did. No one seemed to question it. Fans eagerly took up the myth of Ryan Ross, expanding on an invented history to begin Ryan's story from his birth in Summerlin, Nevada in 1986, despite that before development of the residential community commenced in 1988 Summerlin was empty land. Journalists who slept through the lectures on fact checking on their way through college added this (mis)information to their articles, further obscuring the record.

Initially shocked he was pulling the deception off, by the end Pete glowered at his success getting in away with it.

For the potential Ryans were not simply a series of lookalikes. Aside from musical skills and a willingness to subsume their identity in the face of endless touring and inane interviews, potential "Ryans" were mostly selected on finger length, and for their noses; every "Ryan" has a beautiful nose.

Each new Ryan was put through an intensive Panic boot camp; several weeks of learning the bands songs, memorising the back story of the band and Ryan himself, studying videos of the "standard" Ryan mannerisms before joining the band for rehearsals. With Pete himself having the final say, producers scouting for potential Ryans generally stuck to contenders from the south west USA to ensure a consistent accent; although vocal coaches worked with each "Ryan" to develop the trade mark mono tone, the brief experiment in hiring a British performer to play Ryan in 2008 nearly ended in disaster when he kept slipping into his native accent, which to Pete's eternal amusement has gone down in fandom history as the "real", American Ryan trying to sound English.

But even though the music press, and even the rabidly devoted fandom, never seemed to catch on to the fake Ryans, problems inevitably arose. It was easy to get 18 year old guitarists to agree to the stringent conditions required to be Ryan Ross; but despite that Pete allowed some leeway from the performers, allowing them freedom in their social lives and styling choices to reflect the maturing of a real young person, by the time 22 year olds were hired to be Ryan, fresh in on the scam they may have lacked the star power to use Panic to launch their own careers but they were still young men exposed to more money and adulation than they'd seen before, and some of them were making questionable choices.

By 2009, Brendon and Spencer were sick of the lies. They just wanted to continue the music. Pete Wentz saw how Brendon in particular had blossomed in skills and confidence through the years. He also saw the way the commercial winds were blowing - the introspective lyricism of "Ryan Ross" was out, to judge from the reception on its release of Pretty. Odd. On top of all this, "Ryan Ross" was now ostensibly 22; too old to sing about the trials of late adolescence, which had been Pete's reason for creating his Ryan alter ego in the first place.

Seeing the potential long term appeal in a Brendon-driven Panic, Pete told Brendon and Spencer to go forth as Panic at the Disco with his blessing...and let's never mention Ryan again.

Pete's scouting skills weren't impeccable. He let the original band bring along their friend Brent as bass player, despite his shaky skills and apparent lack of commitment. Brent may have played little part in the creation of the band's first album and definitely found touring not to his taste, and he was soon replaced with the far more talented and present Jon Walker, who already had a respectable pedigree in the Chicago scene that spawned Fall Out Boy. Jon participated, albeit reluctantly, in the Ryan charade, forming a close friendship and musical kinship with the last of the fake Ryans. When Pete informed the group that his dream of the fake Ryans was coming to an end, Jon decided to follow this last Ryan, forming the group The Young Veins. Whilst they both appreciated the musicianship, Jon grew increasingly frustrated with the Ryan charade, having to continue the lie of Ryan Ross as the last of the Ryans remained bound by the non disclosure agreement. With sales of the Young Veins debut album not matching the hopes of its creators, Jon left and the band split after just one year.

And thus ended the contractual existence of "Ryan Ross", creation of Pete Wentz.

Some think Brendon looks startled when Ryan is mentioned. It's not because Ryden was ever a thing. There was no Ry for Bren to Den with, just an ever changing cast of young musicians hired by Pete Wentz to be his avatar. When Brendon pauses now he's not lamenting his lost love. He's reflecting on the lie he had to keep up for years and thinking "wait, what was the official line again?"

The Ryan Ross character has been occasionally revived in recent years as a conceptual art project by the musician Z Berg, teasing an album that never arrives, with the role of Ryan in occasional public appearances performed by a few of the former Ryans who are in on the joke. The Ryan Ross character made his last public appearance in 2022, joining former Panic label mates Phantom Planet for a live performance of Do the Panic - a wink to long standing fans of PATD/"Ryan Ross" (and a song that sounds like a dual pastiche to Pumping on Your Stereo by Supergrass and Just What I Needed by The Cars; there really is nothing original under the sun).

There will never be a reunion of the original, "real" Panic at the Disco because the original Panic at the Disco was never real. There will never be a Ryan Ross album because there is no Ryan Ross. Maybe in some future memoir Pete Wentz will tell us all how it was done.

This post is satire. Please do not take it seriously. The real Ryan Ross, who is an individual, actual person, is alive and well and researching literature of the transition from medieval to middle English through USC. (Well, who knows but that seems like something he might do)

#pre split panic #ryan ross #brendon urie #this is a joke #shitpost #pete wentz #panic at the disco #Ryan Ross isn't real

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