#lynch syndrome diaries

[alwaysalreadyangry]

looking through my 2021 tumblr posts is deeply fascinating because my god i was going through it for very understandable reasons and i both feel like i am still there and also feel extremely distant from it. it's so strange how that happens.

things get better and things stay the same! i woke up today with my legs painful and exhausted and yet i was still able to get out of bed and go to a job i enjoy. i haven't been to a hospital for months and hopefully won't need to until i have my next colonoscopy.

one of the things i couldn't even talk about at the time was that i was diagnosed with cancer on the same day my dad was told his cancer was back. like, his appointment was at 11am and mine was 2pm, that kind of thing. my dad was able to take my mum into his appointment and i couldn't take anyone in but a wonderful friend met me afterwards and walked with me to a cafe and we ate cake outside in november and i phoned my family and just went through the motions. when i told my surgeon (the man who told me i had cancer) he said "christ, your family all need a stiff drink tonight."

but you know, we were lucky, my dad is doing well and had immunotherapy which we're hoping totally killed the cancer. only time will tell. i am doing well and they think the surgery got my cancer. we both have this inherited genetic cancer syndrome and it means it might well happen again somewhere else for me. i hope not but who can say. it's very strange, how we are our bodies and don't know even the smallest fraction of what they're doing.

anyway, cancer-free, as far as anyone can tell, and have been for three years now. i even totally forgot to mark the anniversary of my surgery, which was a week ago. here's to another year.

#cancer diaries // #lynch syndrome diaries //

[autolenaphilia]

The Twin Peaks books

I have earlier talked at length about Twin Peaks, but only about the three seasons of the tv series and the theatrical movie. And that is not the whole story, for there have been several Twin Peaks tie-in books released over the years. And I think they are well worth checking out. So let’s talk about them, again spoilers apply. CW for a non-detailed discussion of rape.

The first to be released was The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer by Jennifer Lynch (daughter of David), which is exactly as it sounds. It is like all official Twin Peaks books, an epistolary book, purporting to be the secret diary Laura wrote, where she expressed the thoughts that she wanted to keep hidden, starting when she turned 12. It’s a rather dark read, as Laura was haunted and raped by BOB from a young age, and The Secret Diary is appropriately horrific.

Having this book be written by a woman was a very good decision. A lot of this novel expresses common pubertal angst and the struggle of becoming a woman in a very effective manner. And on top of that, it skilfully weaves this in with the supernatural aspects and the effect of sexual abuse on a child. Laura wonders if she is evil for having sexual thoughts, a common thought during puberty, and then this theme is intensified by having BOB reinforcing these thoughts in an attempt to possess her. The book understands the themes of Twin Peaks by having Bob represent patriarchal violence and pedophilia, and Laura’s story is about trying to resist that despite being a child. It’s a well-written but horrifying book that touches on similar themes and story to Fire Walk with Me. The movie ends up contradicting this book, but that doesn’t matter much.

The second book released was The Autobiography of F.B.I. Special Agent Dale Cooper: My Life, My Tapes, written by Scott Frost (brother of Mark Frost and who also wrote some scripts of the show). It’s another epistolary book, purporting to be the transcripts of the tapes Cooper has made, starting when he was about 13. The book’s tone is a lot lighter than The Secret Diary, with a lot of humour.

Yet there is still a dark parts, as Cooper experiences the loss of family and friends. The book seems to argue that Cooper’s white knight syndrome (meaning he is always trying to save women in distress) is grounded in the women in his life often dying. The book also heavily implies that both Cooper and his mother was haunted by BOB.

Still, there is less darkness compared to The secret diary, which means it’s less emotionally impactful, but it makes for a more entertaining read. Frost has a good handle on both Cooper’s voice and character. The depiction of Windom Earle and the Teresa Banks murder investigation was partially contradicted by the second season and Fire Walk With Me, but again it doesn’t matter. The depiction of both Laura and Cooper in these books is compelling enough that I do incorporate a lot of ideas from them into my personal headcanons.

After the cancellation of the series in 1991, the official books stopped being published. Yet when Twin Peaks was revived, Mark Frost himself decided to write two books surrounding the new season. The first of these two books was The Secret History of Twin Peaks, released in 2016 after the third season was written but before it was aired.

It’s yet again an epistolary novel, telling a very fragmentary history of Twin Peaks via a collection of a variety of fictional documents such as diary/journal excerpts, letters, newspaper clippings and US government reports, going from Lewis and Clark explorations of the Pacific Northwest to the end of the second season. Yet it goes beyond most epistolary novels in actually showing you scanned images of these fictional documents. It’s a really impressive book just visually, a sturdy hardcover, heavily illustrated with these images of the documents. The faked documents are really well-made and make the very act of reading visually interesting. It’s a book that I really recommend you get a proper physical copy of, the e-book edition is borderline unreadable by turning the documents into low-res images, at least on my e-reader. And I doubt even a good e-book edition would do the impressive graphic design justice.

The title The Secret History and it being written by Mark Frost may suggest it being some kind of definitive explanation, and I’ve read some reviews that took it as such, and condemned it for killing the mystery. But that is to severely misunderstand the book. It is clearly no objective or definitive history, for there is no omniscient objective third-person narrator in this book. Instead its epistolary format destabilizes any such reading. The bulk of the book is a dossier found in a bank vault by the FBI. The dossier collects a variety of documents to tell a fragmentary history of Twin Peaks and the paranormal phenomena that might be connected with it. The dossier was collected by a mysterious archivist who has typewritten additional narrative. The dossier is read and commented on by an FBI agent with the initials TP, who adds footnotes in the margins. This usually creates at least three narrative layers, in a nesting doll set-up, in a manner that reminds me of some Lovecraft stories.

Everything you read in the book is therefore all in-universe documents, written by characters with their own biases and viewpoints which sometimes disagree with each other, and you can’t take them as 100% reliable information on the Twin Peaks universe. There are moreover some minor but noticeable contradictions (like the situation with Norma’s mother) between the book and the tv series, something that was deliberate according to interviews with Mark Frost. Histories aren’t always accurate, and especially not newspaper reports or people’s letters or journals.

The book also liberally mixes real-life historical facts with fiction, which works to create a theme of uncertainty. The reader will probably question what in the book is true or fictional at several points. And that question raises uncertainty with any information about the world of Twin Peaks as well. The book therefore stays true to the show’s mysterious and surreal nature.

So no, this is not some kind of definitive explanation that solves the mystery of Twin Peaks. Any explanation of the mysteries of the franchise you find here is literally often just a character’s interpretation. The fact that the epistolary format is used for all the official Twin Peaks books over a period of almost 30 years is maybe a deliberate choice. It might be the only way to stay true to the series’s theme of subjectivity, with a dream vision being as important as consensus reality. The books add to the fan’s understanding of the series, but they are ultimately just the point of view of the characters and there are contradictions between them and the series, thus not making any of them into a definitive explanation.

It’s ultimately an appropriately humble book. It is not a co-creator trying to lecture to the audience what his work really means, and that is good. I took it as a story, or rather a series of stories about the world of Twin Peaks. Yet this becoming humility doesn’t mean the book isn’t an impressive achievement, one which expands on the themes of the tv series.

The mixing of fact and fiction is really well-done, and Frost displays a considerable amount of knowledge. The verisimilitude of the documents is aided both by the graphic design and how the writing makes a convincing pastiche of whatever medium and idiom that each document is supposed to represent.

I noticed a lot of reviewers were put-off by the lengthy use of UFO mythology, connecting it closely to the mythology of the show, dismissing it as cliché. But Twin Peaks was always an exploration of well-worn pop culture tropes and I found how this book handled the UFOs rather fun.

And if Frost’s use of UFO mythology, like the men in black, the greys, the nordics and so on, might ever seem cosily familiar, the book ultimately turns them into effective cosmic horror. Near the end of the book, we get a suggestion what the lodge beings (the biggest mystery of the show) and the UFOs might be. They are basically ancient inhuman beings, reminscient of Lovecraft’s creations and John Keel’s ultraterrestials. And it’s just a suggestion, literally just a character’s own theory. They even explicitly says that their theory is not a proper explanation, as they believe the lodge creatures being ultimately beyond human understanding in proper cosmic horror fashion.

The book is about more than cosmic horror. Frost uses the fictional history of Twin Peaks and the paranormal and conspiracy theories to give his critical view of American history. Twin Peaks has always been about the darkness beneath what seems to be an idyllic American small-town, and a “secret history” is a good way to depict that. The book’s epistolary format shows how there are multiple views on history, and accordingly the book gives an alternate reading of US history that is different from the standard self-serving one.

The book builds on the themes of the show, where Hawk, who is native American, is one of the few that seems to have an understanding of the white and black lodges. And the evil of the black lodge seem to respond and be strengthened by human violence and environmental destruction (such as how BOB is shown to come into our world with the Trinity nuclear test).

So the book uses the real bloody history of the American colonization of the Pacific Northwest area, how the Nez Perce tribe was ethnically cleansed from the area and placed on a reservation to make room for white settlers. And it was only from this real life bloody history that the white American small town of Twin Peaks can be created.

Being created from this violent act, Twin Peaks continues to show some of the worst aspects of American capitalism as its history develops. The corruption of the town’s leading class we already see in the series is shown to have generations-deep roots. The towns logging industry comes to be monopolized by the Packard family via shady dealings, and the Horne family’s rise to power is similar. The Packard family ultimately cuts down all the old-growth forests, only to then literally burn down the saw mill as depicted in Season 1 of the show to make a profit, destroying the livelihood of much of the town.

The Nez Perce knew and treated the Lodges with respect, the white people don’t and end up feeding it. All this violence, hierarchy and environmental destruction seems to feed the Black Lodge, leading to the malaise that infects and destroys the Palmer family which is the starting point of the show.

The Secret History is a very good and fascinating book. Alone as a physical and visual object, it impresses. And the care, skill and erudition with which Mark Frost wrote it is truly impressive.

It’s very much worth reading for fans of the series.

Mark Frost followed up this book with Twin Peaks: The Final Dossier, which was released in 2017 after the third season had aired. This is a much less complex and shorter book than The Secret History, being less than 150 pages and abandoning the more complex three-layered narrative of its predecessor.

Instead there is just one single narrative layer, of FBI agent Tamara Preston writing a dossier on the inhabitants of Twin Peaks and events related to them, shortly after experiencing the events of the third season.

It’s also more of less entirely focused on characters from the show, whereas The Secret History went farther afield. It’s a lot more what you expect from a tie-in book, mostly explaining the fate of characters during the 25 year timeskip.

It’s not a bad book, just a lesser one compared to the titanic The Secret History. I treated it as a short epilogue to both The Secret History and season 3, and as such it more than satisfies. It fills in some gaps in the narrative, and updates us on the fates of the characters. Yet Frost wisely leaves the major mysteries of season 3 unexplained, such as what is Audrey’s situation and what happened in Part 18? We learn that Cooper’s time travelling in Part 17 did indeed change history, but not much more. These books have been accused of explaining far too much, but it’s a very unfair accusation, as Frost knows better than to clear up the central mysteries.

All four of these books are ultimately just for fans of the series, which can stand without them. Yet what a treat they are for the fans. The Secret Diary and My Life, My Tapes give us convincing depiction of the inner lives of Laura Palmer and Cooper. And The Secret History is an impressive achievement that expands upon the world and themes of Twin Peaks in a wonderful fashion. And The Final Dossier is a nice little coda to The Secret History and Season 3.

#twin peaks #my writings #the twin peaks books #jennifer lynch #scott frost #mark frost

[nikitasbt]

The list of my 20 favorite movies, vol.2 (2019-2020)

Back in 2018, I decided to start this experiment choosing my 20 favorite films, as it is at this particular moment. Used to sound a little silly to me first, yet I realized later this experiment has a merit if you do it once in a year. It’s just like a diary documenting your thoughts, ideas and sources of inspiration at some point. These things may change fast and they strongly affect person’s predilections, whether we talk about films, books or songs. It is simply fascinating to observe your personal development or changes based on the conclusions you can draw from your own favorite films. This year I was supposed to make this list 6 months ago but I just didn’t really feel like to. Now it’s time to get back to this fascinating experiment so here is its implication! 20.  Spring in a Small Town (小城之春)– 1948, Fei Mu. China

Released one year before Communists’ takeover of China, Spring in a Small Town remains the most well-known film unveiling China in the period we all know very little about. The plot concerns a story of a married couple and their bitter days they live as the symbolic representation of the wreckage left by the World War. The story is delicate, psychological, poetic and beautiful. It is narrated in a very intelligent manner highlighting the exceptional talents of both Fei Mu and actors, especially Wei Wei who is still alive, aged 97 as of the end of 2019. Spring in a Small Town has been called The Greatest Chinese Movie ever made by Hong Kong Film Awards Association.

19. Masculin, Feminin – 1966, Jean-Luc Godard. France

I’ve seen quite a few films of Godard and I find most of them outstanding. However, his most politically and socially charged work Masculin, Feminin retains a special place in my films knowledge base. I’m still impressed with this combination of those monologues delivered by young Parisians and bizarre scenes from the rebellious lives of youngsters. The film features wonderful tunes turning into a great addition to the illustration of the political and social tension in France in the 1960s. Masculin, Feminin reminds that France is the most rebellious nation in the world, in terms of fighting for liberal values and equality. Moreover, the feature of Godard gives a great glimpse into several matters of gender situation and problems of France in the 1960s.

18. The Rules of Game (La Règle du Jeu) – 1939. Jean Renoir. France

One of the greatest examples of satirical films ever produced, The Rules of Game by Renoir strikes with the glorious cast, quality humour and excellent depiction of the French wealthy class decay before the devastating events of the war. An outstanding example of sophisticated director’s work and brilliant story, this film is also perfectly crafted and lensed, cinematography wise. The feature was considered controversy 80 years back upon release and almost felt into obscurity despite being the most expensive French film till that date, in order to re-gain attention and acclaim later becoming a symbol of French cinema greatness.

17. Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring (봄 여름 가을 겨울 그리고 봄) – 2003. Kim Ki-duk. South Korea

The only Korean film I’m going to list in my 20 favorite is the most well-known feature of Kim Ki-duk I’ve been admiring or years. A very simple work based on the number of the basic Buddhist symbols and references, it is obviously made to be accessible for the Western viewers. The pace of the film is gentle and calm while the environment strikes with beauty and evocative power. I’m quite a fan of Korean movies, especially when it comes to Lee Chang-dong, though I’m yet to explore most acclaimed Korean directors and their films. Eventually, I’d keep Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring as my favorite Korean film this year again. 16. The Straight Story – 1999. David Lynch. USA

It’s been a long time David Lynch remains my favorite director. I absolutely love Blue Velvet, Mulholland Drive, Lost Highway as well as in fact all of his works. The Straight Story however always stood out. Somehow, it feels like David Lynch wanted to show with this feature that he is capable of many different genres, styles and he’s got a strong grasp or traditionally narrated stories. The Straight Story is a bitter, wise and sublime story of an old man looking back at all his life while knowing there is nothing left to expect from the future. The life was long viewed as a vibrant matter, a treasure, an excitement. In his last travel across America, he reminisces about his life in these beautiful shots, having long Hemingway-like dialogues with the curious people he encounters. The scenery is marvelous and the music of Angelo Badalamenti is something you can never forget. No doubt, my favorite film of David Lynch.

15. Stalker (Сталкер) – 1979. Andrei Tarkovsky. USSR

Most of Tarkovsky’s films are so rich in what can be hardly seen or comprehended that I’ve been always asking myself whether I’m ready for such an art experience or not. Stalker, perhaps one of the most complicated films of him (behind Mirror, though), offers numerous layers, means, ideas and features the viewers can delve into. The film is truly intellectual and also extremely beautiful and enchanting. It is also one of the finest examples of vivacious actors’ work. Moreover, the special credit must be given to Tarkovsky’s cinematographers Rerberg and Knyazhinsky. Those iconic long takes with slow camera movement are magnificent. 14. Syndromes and a Century (แสงศตวรรษ) – 2006. Apichatpong Weerasethakul. Thailand

It is said there are some feature-length films, of which the viewers cannot get much unless they watch together with the other films of the same director, as these loosely connected works can be comprehended together. From my point of view, Apichatpong Weerasethakul and his art is the case. I could name several films of him I admire, yet I can’t say I really liked any of them when I watched them first. It takes quite some time to familiarize yourself with his work, in order to understand how you can comprehend it. The yield might be highly awarding for many of those who’s got passion and absolutely fruitless for others. Syndromes and a Century remains my favorite film of the Thai director due to it’s emotionally charged shots and scenes depicting the beauty of humanity, transformations of people and their feelings. Apichatpong Weerasethakul is playing with the subtle material eventually giving space to draw numerous interpretations of his work. It’s tantalizing and entertaining! 13. Paris, Texas – 1984. Wim Wenders. West Germany / USA

The finest combination of road movie with psychological drama resulted in a masterpiece created by the German director Wim Wenders who had shot this film in the United States. The story is very emotional and very intelligent at the same time. Also, it is one of the best works of Harry Dean Stanton who has been famous during his 60-years career as an actor of supporting roles. Being given a lead role here, he really made his character special. 12. Only Lovers Left Alive – 2013. Jim Jarmusch. USA

I’ve already written and said many things about this film as Jim Jarmusch is certainly among my beloved directors, with his enigmatic style. Only Lovers Left Alive is a film basing on a number of references and themes Jarmusch has been fascinated by for years. To understand many hidden things, it is important to see all films of him and try to think in a way he does. Unfortunately, Jarmusch doesn’t make many references quite available to those who don’t know his works well. On the other hand, even those who don’t qualify can still watch this visually striking story and enjoy the beauty of music instruments, locations, shots and aloof characters. 11. Tokyo Story (東京物語) – 1953. Yasujiro Ozu. Japan

According to many of the most acclaimed film critics and directors, Tokyo Story is the greatest Japanese film ever made and maybe of the finest masterpieces ever. The Golden Age of Japanese cinema with the works of Ozu, Mizoguchi, Naruse and other directors was truly marvelous, and Tokyo Story is widely considered to be its acme. The famous tatami shots, slow plot development, simple but very deep story, fantastic play – all these well-known Ozu’s features are present here in abundance. This is a film of an exceptional emotional degree ensuring the full immersion into it. The pace might be slow for many viewers and requires some exposure into Japanese classical cinema. Yet this experience is certainly worth acquiring, as the harmony with Japanese classic films is rewarding and memorable. Nevertheless, this is still not my favorite Ozu’s films, as of 2019/2020.

10. Apocalypse Now – 1979. Francis Coppola. USA

Apocalypse Now is among the greatest American films in my eyes for a personal reason. A few years back, the film had taught me to admire the cinema and provoked my keen interest in it. This epic war-related drama goes far beyond the topics of war depicting a humankind’s journey down the hell. The funnel of dehumanization as I called while writing about this film a couple of years back. Absolutely masterpiece, Apocalypse Now. 9. An Autumn Afternoon (秋刀魚の味) – 1962. Yasujiro Ozu. Japan

An Autumn Afternoon became a final film of Ozu. Along with his penultimate feature The End of Summer, it turned to be one of the recent treasures I discovered. The plot reminds of Late Spring, the film I named my favorite as of the end 2019. Yet the mood, key motifs and main themes are quite different. These several parallel stories within the same film depict the changing society and strong family bonds between generations. The traditional culture meets changing world showing there is always a room for wisdom, and people’s feelings don’t change in the same way as times and cultural environment do. One of the best casts Ozu ever assembled is another thing contributing to this outstanding film. Chishu Ryu, Shima Iwashita and Mariko Okada are the greatest actors of the Japanese cinema Golden Age making good replacement of Setsuko Hara who was not present here. There is so much to say about this film explaining why I love it better than Tokyo Story for example, yet I expressed it better in my older review.

8. Lost in Translation – 2003. Sofia Coppola. USA

Starting with An Autumn Afternoon, my list of favorite films enters the dimension of emotions. My choice of previous movies was quite understandable in a way of common sense and proper explanations, but the rest would be nothing, but emotions. I’m quite impressed with this myself and this is just why I started considering valuable this experiment of writing a list of favorite films every year. Where would it take me? Saying Lost in Translation is my favorite American film would probably sound crazy! But here we are. How would I get it explained? Emotions. This emotional sublime charge of it is just one of a kind. A perfect style created by Sofia Coppola, a subtle story, breathtaking path and wonderful collision of fun and deep feelings… This is Lost in Translation. And there is always more and more you get and understand while watching it. This choice is romantic, but I’m getting along with that.

7. Days of Being Wild (阿飛正傳)– 1990. Wong Kar-wai. Hong Kong

Time for the first film of Wong Kar-wai to appear in my list! Back in 2019 when I made this list last I was not a big fan of Days of Being Wild. However, I’ve seen it at least 5 times later slowly getting into this world of the wonderful romance, lovesick young people, strange lights and wonderful props and shots. The first collaboration of Wong Kar-wai with Christopher Doyle establishing this duo that would be crafting visual delights in a few other features. A wonderful cast with Leslie Cheung, Karina Lau, Maggie Cheung and Andy Lau in addition to wonderful music… It is slowly getting me, more and more. Yet again, this choice is nothing but my sense of romance in the cinema.

6. The Scent of Green Papaya (Mùi đu đủ xanh) - 1993. Tran Anh Hung. Vietnam / France

This film is shot in Vietnamese and the drama is entirely Vietnamese. However, the director Tran Anh Hung has been living and working in France for most of his life so the movie should be considered French. Nevertheless, I personally take it as the greatest Vietnamese feature film as it had opened Vietnam for me from a new angle. It is an extremely beautiful film the shots of which seem to be inspired by the work of Fellini’s or Tarkovsky’s cinematographers and are also enhanced with vibrant, vivid colors, the striking shine of nature around the characters and warmth of their emotions. A gorgeous story, a glimpse into the world that perhaps never existed, the supreme sophistication of The Scent of Green Papaya had become the last reasons for me to relocate to Vietnam, even though I always the reality of Tran Anh Hung’s film only exists on the screen. Inspiring and breathtaking, a lovely and adorable film!

5. The Assassin (刺客聶隱娘) – 2015. Hou Hsiao-Hsien. Taiwan

One of the prominent directors of the Taiwanese New Wave Hou Hsiao-hsien is a living god of art-house cinema. He had created multiple beautiful slowly paced features of which I’ve seen about 10. Relatively unknown in Asia, he has been highly respected in Europe, especially in the eyes of orientalists. His last film The Assassin has received many accolades such as an Award to the Best Director received by Hou Cannes. The Assassin is an acme of the visual beauty and technical sophistication of cinematography. This film would be very boring for those viewers who are used to the narrative features. Here the plot doesn’t really matter, as the film was made to immerse the viewers into the mood, visual beauty, atmosphere. It comes as a wuxia film, yet many critics call it a deconstruction of wuxia. The protagonist portrayed by Shu Qi gives a detached effect of both character herself and also the whole world around from the traditional way of storytelling. It really takes time to look into this film properly, I didn’t understand if I entirely liked it or not when I watch The Assassin first. I’ve started getting from the 3rd or maybe 4th time. And this is how this film is. My opinion about this film has changed a lot since the moment I wrote my first comments on it. A delight for those who admire visual delicacies, the film of Hou Hsiao-Hsien, in my eyes would probably always remain a standard of beauty I’ve seen on the screen.

4. Yi Yi (一 一) – 2000. Edward Yang. Taiwan

Getting back to the films I select as the ones standing upon the pillars of smart and intelligent stories, I’d call Yi Yi my favorite Taiwanese film ever. The last and the best feature of Edward Yang has three perspectives in its story shifting from the glimpse into one generation of the family into another. This is a story of very simple people’s relations, feelings and emotions showing how the life goes around in a circle. It is almost impossible to find any weak points of this marvelously crafted story of three generations showing so many feelings and problems related to love, middle-age crisis, development of the individuality, childhood, teenagers’ discoveries, the fate of old people. The whole life is here, in Yi Yi. The film makes the viewers ruminate and look into their own lives from a different angle. The story is being told by a wise man who has got good eye observing littlest things in everyday’s life that really matter and make a difference. With little or without action at all, the slow pace of Yi Yi brings genuine emotions to those who watch it. Like I wrote in my review on Yi Yi, it was one of the strongest impressions I have ever had watching a film. 3. In the Mood for Love (花樣年華) – 1999. Wong Kar-wai. Hong Kong

It’s been already told too much about this film in my reviews of Wong Kar-wai’s films I’ve written for my blog, and I want to stay away from iterations. I’d just say that one of the fascinating recent developments about In the Mood of Love I made is connected with the fact that one of the most important things for the director was to show the life of intelligent Shanghainese people in the 1960-s who were forced to immigrate and settle down in Hong Kong. This is the whole new dimension of the film which might be not obvious for the Western viewers, and it is fascinating. Other than that… I just cannot resist these shots in slow motion where Maggie Cheung takes me to the Universe of this story and visual style with her delicate and tantalizing sashay while the famous Yumeji’s music theme is playing. This is a supreme beauty! 02. Late Spring (晩春) – 1949. Yasujiro Ozu. Japan

Narration wise, Late Spring remains my favorite without any doubts. The best role of Setsuko Hara, the fantastic emotions expressed by the whole cast impress me greatly again and again. Ozu had created a very interesting and difficult personality Hara’s Noriko: every time I watch this film I find something new in Noriko. And yet every time it makes me sometimes cry, smile happily or it just simply casts shiver down my spine with its sophistication and development. Sometimes, I feel like watching Late Spring 24/7! This film is also extremely important for me due to becoming a strong introduction for me into the world of classic Japanese films that remains the best period and school of cinema making to me. The only one reason I don’t name this film my favorite once again as I did a year ago is my dependence on emotions making me a type to easily fall for different things based on sharp and strong romantic emotions. And my choice of #1 film is again nothing, but an emotional thing.

01.   Fallen Angels (堕落天使) – 1995. Wong Kar-wai. Hong Kong

The acme of neon exuberant cinema developed by Wong Kar-wai and Christopher Doyle is a non-plot film focusing on images of Hong Kong nights and lovesick young people who are always aliens in the middle of this neon-lit night. The story doesn’t say a lot while the romance is extremely intense. This is not a movie you may like or enjoy, you can only dissolve and it and love it if you’re the type and if you watch it in the time you’re apt for such emotions. I remember the first time I watched it and I was not really impressed… Yet I realized its emotional and romantic power later. Wong Kar-wai and Doyle are crazy about neon and they take it as an encapsulation of Hong Kong’s nights. The neon is very sexy, it is a symbol of attraction and alluring sexual power. We get dozens of memorable close-ups with female protagonists shot in unnatural neon light, and their faces radiate enthralling and mesmerizing neon sexuality. Considering Hong Kong is a city full of neon, this light also represents the rush of Hong Kong’s life that is exuberant, but reluctant to consider the romantic feelings of young lovesick youngsters. The characters, these people in their 20s, dissolve in this neon world craving for love, but not being able to have even a bit of this feeling. They are trying to find their own place within this Hong Kong night, and their struggles and showed lyrically. Heroes are silhouetted in neon lights which is extremely beautiful to see on the screen. The film is a master class of Christopher Doyle giving utmost attention to the lights and inventing an enormous number of camera tricks. The shots of Doyle are visually striking and perfect. He shots different moments from extremely wide angles to emphasize different feelings of characters. Many of the shots in this film are quite iconic, especially the ones coming with these crazy angles, extreme close-ups, step-print effect and with extreme wide-angle lenses.  It’s just unforgettable! Sometimes Doyle uses hand-held cameras which is punchy and quixotic. One of the most delightful and visually beautiful moments is the ending scene when an extreme close-up of Michelle Reis in the cafe, with bizarre green light directed on her. With her calm voice, she tells she has learned not to involve emotionally with the people. She talks about the weather, yet we know about her emotional wounds and woe. Meanwhile, there is a fray on the background she doesn’t even pay any attention to. The camera just stares at her, the background is blurred. And then it shows the mute guy beaten with the same type of close-up. This experience is totally about intense romance and visual delighted created by director, cinematographer and editor. And at this particular time of my life, I would name it the best development in the cinema I came across. I love Fallen Angles, no doubt a long time number one.

[liinza]

What are your the top films you recommend?

Jonas Mekas: As I Was Moving Ahead Occasionally I Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty

Michelangelo Antonioni:  L’Avventura, La Notte, L’eclisse, Red Desert, Blow-Up

Nathaniel Dorsky: Variations, Threnody, Song and Solitude, Compline, Alaya

Robert Bresson: Diary of a Country Priest, A Man Escaped

Jon Jost: Last Chants for a Slow Dance, The Bed You Sleep In

Apichatpong Weerasethakul: Syndromes and a Century, Blissfully Yours, Cemetery of Splendour

Chantal Akerman: Jeanne Dielman, 23, Quai du Commerce 1080 Bruxelles; Portrait of a Young Girl at the End of the ’60s in Brussels; Toute une nuit

John Cassavetes: Faces, Love Streams, The Killing of a Chinese Bookie

Ingmar Bergman: Persona, The Silence, Cries and Whispers, Fanny & Alexander

Béla Tarr: Satantango, Damnation, Werckmeister Harmonies, The Turin Horse

Aleksey German: My Friend Ivan Lapshin; Khrustalyov, My Car!

Éric Rohmer: My Night at Maud’s, The Green Ray, Claire’s Knee, The Aviator’s Wife

Tsai Ming-liang: Goodbye Dragon Inn, The River, Vive L’Amour, Rebels of the Neon God

Rainer Werner Fassbinder: The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant, In a Year with 13 Moons, Chinese Roulette

Carl Theodor Dreyer: Ordet, The Passion of Joan of Arc

Pedro Costa: In Vanda’s Room, Colossal Youth, Horse Money, Vitalina Varela

Krzysztof Kieślowski: The Decalogue, Three Colors: Blue, White, Red

Carlos Reygadas: Silent Light, Post Tenebras Lux

Claire Denis: U.S. Go Home, Beau Travail

David Lynch: Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet, Twin Peaks 

Teo Hernández: Cristaux, Lacrima Christi

Chris Marker: Sans Soleil

Šarūnas Bartas: Three Days, The House, Few of Us

Edward Yang: A Brighter Summer Day, Yi Yi

Lisandro Alonso: Los Muertos, Jauja

Andrei Tarkovsky: Mirror, Andrei Rublev

Jean Eustache: The Mother and the Whore

Bruno Dumont: Humanité, Li’l Quinquin

Hiroshi Teshigahara: Woman in the Dunes

Mike Leigh: Naked

Peter Watkins: Edvard Munch

François Truffaut: The 400 Blows

Pier Paolo Pasolini: Teorema, Oedipus Rex

Lav Diaz: Melancholia

Hou Hsiao-hsien: A Time to Live, a Time to Die

Theo Angelopoulos: Landscape in the Mist

Dziga Vertov: Man with a Movie Camera

& etc.

#filmlistlinza

[alwaysalreadyangry]

colonoscopy was... well, as fine as a colonoscopy could be. they did cut out a polyp, but it looked benign to them, so i’m not too worried. last time they cut out three, so, hey.

the best part is that it’s over and now i don’t have to do it again for two years. the worst part once i was actually there was being laughed at by the endoscopist (???) when i said that i had heard from other people that colonoscopies can hurt more after a hysterectomy - something i only even mentioned to her when she was like, “i see you want sedation, but you didn’t have it last time...”

like, i am sorry that patients and cancer survivors (ugh i hate that term) compare notes to make each other more comfortable, but we do!

oh also the intake nurse didn’t seem to get what having had a hysterectomy due to cancer meant at first.

“and when did you have your last period?” / “i don’t know, probably just before i had my hysterectomy, but due to the cancer i had been bleeding for about a year.”

i am tired. i don’t understand why every time i deal with any medical thing they seem to have to construct my medical history from scratch again. it hurts. like, why does the smear test service keep sending me emails telling me off for not having arranged my smear test. i don’t have a fucking cervix. you should know that.

#lynch syndrome diaries // #cancer diaries //

[alwaysalreadyangry]

I’ve got my next colonoscopy on Friday, so I’m at the end of a couple of days of only eating fibre-free foods, and tomorrow it’s all liquids only. I think the preparation is honestly the worst part of the colonoscopy process, but I’m also not looking forward to the actual endoscopy this time.

Apparently post-hysterectomy colonoscopies can hurt a lot more for some people (but not all). In the past I’ve not taken sedation, just gas and air (laughing gas) but sedation seems more appealing this time, if there’s going to be a lot of pain. The problem is that sedation doesn’t seem to work for me - they promised to sedate me heavily for my gastroscopy at the start of the year but it did nothing, absolutely nothing, so I was in pain, choking on the endoscope down my throat. Fucking horrible.

But I’d rather be having that again than a colonoscopy, just on the basis of all of the prep that I’ve got ahead. If you’ve not had one before, just… you have to take a lot of laxatives first, okay? 💀💀💀 and then I’m not even going into the whole deal with what happens if they find polyps (cut them out then and there and send them off for pathology) or worse (please don’t let there be anything worse).

Anyway, Lynch syndrome isn’t fun, but better to know I have it. I guess.

#lynch syndrome diaries // #medical tmi //

[alwaysalreadyangry]

Can’t have food or anything other than “clear liquids” today until after my colonoscopy, which is HOURS AWAY, and it was the same yesterday, and i feel slightly like i am losing my mind!!!!!!!!!

#lynch syndrome diaries // #food cw

[alwaysalreadyangry]

sometimes it’s over a year and a half out from cancer surgery and you’re supposedly cured and you’re supposed to just feel lucky and grateful and to move on and you find yourself lying awake at 2am feeling sad about it, and unable to move away from the source of the pain. sometimes it's all I can think about. I'm so happy that autumn is here but my hot flushes arm to be getting worse. It's burning me up from the inside out. none of my clothes are truly comfortable. i can never get cosy and calm. it's difficult to rest, as sometimes I will become short of breath and jittery for no real reason. i don’t know what to do. sometimes I’m moving on, and sometimes I’m just stuck here, unable to understand what the decisions i made mean. whether i ever really had a choice at all.

#cancer diaries // #lynch syndrome diaries //

[alwaysalreadyangry]

I cannot express enough how many letters you get in the post when you’ve had cancer and also have an inherited genetic condition that predisposes you to more cancer. The NHS has a dedicated office just devoted to sending me letters about cancer and cancer screenings at this point

#lynch syndrome diaries //

[alwaysalreadyangry]

need to get up and go in for my gastroscopy. pls wish me luck!!

#lynch syndrome diaries //

[alwaysalreadyangry]

so i had my colonoscopy, i had three polyps cut out from my colon, he seemed fairly unconcerned and said that they maybe would have turned into cancer if left there for years but that he thinks they were all benign and nothing to worry about... but they still have to be sent to a lab to be analysed to make sure it’s not cancer. what an amazing end to the year.

because like. obviously i can see rationally that it’s very unlikely to be cancer. but the last time i was told by a doctor, about a different part of my body, “we just have to send this sample to be looked at for cancer in the lab, it’s almost certainly not cancer”, like two months ago... it turned out it was actually cancer. SO.

anyway unsurprisingly having three little polyps cut out from my colon does hurt. and they also stuck loads of blue dye up there to get a better look... honestly it was just a weird experience.

#lynch syndrome... an experience #cancer diaries//

[alwaysalreadyangry]

anyway it turns out having an appointment that’s all about the things i COULD try... if a treatment that there is no data on working in people like me... works for me... is actually not very good for me, mood or outlook-wise.

i feel like a test subject and it suuuuucks

(this isn’t about prognosis really but fertility, although attempting the thing they are saying i could attempt COULD potentially mean my cancer gets worse before it’s properly treated. because... it all depends if i respond to this treatment or not! don’t you love it)

#I mean to be clear this is nobody’s fault! #just: luv having endometrial cancer due to lynch syndrome in my early 30s!!! #cancer diaries//