#lol hey i only get on this website when im fucking depressed

[femfalleen]

so! sorry i kinda disappeared (my diary)!

i started hrt and then a lot of stuff kinda happened and id been a lil overwhelmed!

so i officially took my first pills on thurs, 26 Jan 2023. and at first i was still worried i was faking it or rushing into this or something. taking the whole e tablet right then either *gave* me a headache or compounded one i had brewing (from stress, no doubt).

i slept after kinda doing nothing after that event and had an interesting night. again, not sure if it was placebo or adrenaline or what, but my dreams felt so long. i felt like i slept for weeks. i didnt recall the dreams but i certainly woke up feeling like id slept a day and a half... but also rested. which was nice.

that day was something. i walked in to work, now equipped with a pre-made official "Evie" name tag and told my boss "hey can u change my info on the work website" which shocked and confused him lol. told both him and the other early morning coworker who was there that that's my preferred name now and i go by she/her without any other explanation or anything. that was my plan from the get-go and i was going to be still me about it all: i do the things i need to without apology so long as they're not going to hurt someone else. and i did.

that day went without incident and the coworker, despite commenting that she "is older and will try to get used to it" didn't slip up whatsoever, and she continued even through saturday to be respectful (and even seemed to make an effort to use my new name more than she called my old name to me before, which was kinda awkward but sweet).

i didnt really have many people call me by either name, since that's not a usual life occurrence at work it seems, so i started by just correcting anyone who did use my old name. i dont really feel like the correct way for me is or just go up and tell everyone, but to accept their ignorance at something they literally could not know, and just politely correct them.

i told my other coworker who i was out to and she was so excited to hear! she and her wife both gave me their verbal support when i originally came out to her and she asked me to continue keeping her updated which was so sweet.

saturday was interesting as well. my other manager learned that day that i go by a new name and pronouns and was supportive, albeit a bit ignorant: i understand that without being told it, to a cis person asking about "the surgery" is just... something, right? you ask about your mom's knee surgery, or your co-worker's mom's knee surgery; you ask about a tonsil removal, etc. he has been friendly and caring about my work life and so i chose not to just chastise him and report him but to educate him: "hey you wouldn't ask (cis woman coworker) or (cis man coworker) about a surgery like that right?"

he agreed instantly and apologized and clarified that he'd only had NB coworkers and didn't really understand what it would entail for me to be trans and his coworker. i told him that obviously that's not polite, and, like with my depression and anxiety and adhd, if something pertaining to my transition will affect my work, id let him know but more than likely he (and the company) won't be affected by it.

he then asked if id like for him, the manager above him, and the rest of the team i work with should have a meeting about like.. moving forward and how not to step on my toes and how to be at least respectful of my new identity and i nearly screamed. like. bro no. please. i get it: you probably just had to swallow your pride, admit a mistake, and realize "oh i fucked up" but me myself am NOT that kinda person lol. so i said if something else happens, ill bring it up and see what could happen with a meeting like that.

and the day continued without issue.

i nearly finish my daily duties and i hear a page that i thought could've been for Evie but there's another name that it could've been and mind my business.

i hear my full name paged by our highest in-store manager and im like... "oh boy"

i put my work up and go to his office.

this awkward, lanky man tries to like... politely talk with me about it and ask me how to be supportive and such and it was so endearing and adorable (and insanely awkward LMAO).

but he tells me that of course i can come and report things that aren't right, etc. that if there's stuff i think they should do now, say so -- i didn't have anything at the moment -- how he hasn't personally had a trans employee before and that he'd learn what he needed to and work to make sure the environment was good and pleasant for and toward me.

aside from it being intense, it was really really caring and sweet and. awkward lol. which was fine because i understand that he was being a bit more honest as a person and not just a manager in that moment and it really made it. A Situation. lol. but i also gave him the benefit that like "yeah there's an adjustment period for everyone. yall just learned but i knew for 8+ years so i kinda get it." he assures me that he'll do what he can for me and that if he ever slips up to just correct him.

it's kinda sad there's not like.. enough information *before* something like this happens (like people don't know how to treat or react to a trans person until they kinda run into one, it seems) and it's a real shame because everyone ive met so far has either been supportive or willing to understand? the ones who didn't get it started to after i explained " hey yeah i was kinda miserable but im feeling better and better day by day, internal warmth about me and being me and the things i think and such and it feels like a cloud of depression, which my normal meds gave me an umbrella for, is finally going away" and after hearing that, the non-understanding people seemed to take a second to really survey their own understanding of how im experiencing things and what it meant *to me* rather than just how it affected them.

#mtf #fendiary #trans #january #january 2023 #290123 #hrt #work stories

[bottlesbreaking]

you don’t seem like you’re hurting

#and that hurts #autumn speaks #lol hey i only get on this website when im fucking depressed

[yyxgin]

i think what bugged me the most is i could say ‘they’re literal depression pills/they made me depressed’ and could reel off the side effect word for word (1/10 will experience mood swings (sometimes in the form of depression)) which was literally the first fricking side effect listed and the most common and she would still refer to it as me being sad literally seconds later in a convo. okay i never went to the doctor but when it occurred to me that, hey, something isn’t right, we were in the middle of a fucking pandemic!! i mean, we still are, but you get the point. this was right at the beginning when they basically closed everything as well so even if i wanted to i wouldn’t have been able to go see someone about it. but it’s whatever now, i don’t take them and i don’t have to give her any advice about them ✌️ i completely get the lack of validity about your emotions. that’s exactly how i felt.

i work so im not bothered about seeing people as i see them enough by my standards already but there is a helpful little voice in the back of my head reminding me that i still need to see my friends!! from before i got a job lol. i worked like 55 hours? my first proper week when i wasn’t on reduced hours and now i work maybe 30? which annoys me so i’m gonna ask for more bc i wanna buy a car and insurance. you still go to school, right? i feel like you’re more stressed about work considering you’re studying too. or were. have you just broken up from school? i don’t study, thank fuck, anymore, so i can do full time but i always get put on evenings so i’m thinking of getting a 9 to 5 bc then i can get the money i need.

a woman was rude to me bc her takeaway wasn’t ready bang on the clock when she turned up to pick it up. man it took literally every fibre in my being not to tell her to fucking leave me alone bc i’m a waitress?? what does she expect me to do??? i found out after but apparently our website tells you to allow a 15 minute slot when you order takeaway to pick up. i checked on this woman’s takeaway and told her it’d be ready in 10 minutes and she said sumn along the lines of ‘so 10 past 8?’. imma tell you straight i wasn’t looking at my phone so i assumed that meant the time was 8pm! (it wasn’t) she said to me ‘and i assume you’ll be knocking money off of the bill for that?’ and i politely replied ‘i can’t do that.’ bc i literally cannot. has to be a managerial figure. bearing in mind she’s already paid in full online???????? n she replies ���do you wanna go suggest that?’ and nods towards the kitchen and i said no and walked off. the AUDACITY??? anyway i told my manager and she rolled her eyes and was like we don’t do partial refunds and said she’d talk to the woman when her order was ready. this woman was all up in my face saying ‘do you think that’s a reasonable time?’ asking if she should come back at 8:10 and im like idfk?? i have things to be doing can you fuck off?? no i didn’t say that but she says ‘i’ve got kids in the car with the engine running’ and i deadpanned ‘i didn’t tell you to leave your kids in the car with the engine running’ bc it was the first thing my brain thought of that wasn’t ‘sounds like a you problem to me’. in the end she left and came back but when she came back she was properly shouting at another waitress i work with and the girl was like 😄 your food was ready 20 minutes ago but you didn’t leave your details to be able to ring you to tell you it’s ready. she even re-mentioned the kids in the car saying they were starving and it was all our fault and the girl was like hmm okay. and then the woman said she was gonna leave a bad review on trip advisor!! and the waitress was like 😃 you do that bestie!! another great day on the grind :D (i forgot to say we were swamped on saturday so that’s why everything was so busy but she was literally the only one complaining that bad, like literally everyone could see we were struggling but they also were saying to wait staff things like ‘i know you can’t make things go quicker back there’ while we were apologising for the phat delay on their food).

another funny one (that made the barman laugh when i told it to him) was a grandma and a grandson in my section. the grandma was dictating his life jesus 😭 (not important but made me go 😳) but one of the girls cleared the table partially when i was doing sumn else so i finished it off and when we get back to kp she tells me the grandma complained the food was cold and without hesitation i said ‘well she fucking ate it all so tell her to fuck off and talk to someone who gives a shit’. she went quiet and i was like,, man i hope i didn’t scare her. but like. they cleared their plates. there was no food left. she didn’t call someone over. she didn’t say anything to anyone when they ask if it was okay. why wait until the end?? anyway i told thé barman and he giggled (he’s got a lovely laugh in my opinion bc it sounds like he’s snickering at everything). i was NOT going to tell my manager bc there’s literally no point. same day, later on, a man said his mussels were cold, i took them back and the kitchen cooked them again. i’d barely put the food down before he called me over (this one is a good one bc he hasn’t eaten EVERYTHING before complaining and therefore we can do something about the problem‼️) respect to that guy.

one of the girls gave me a lift home last night n the barman directed her right to my house without ever having been to my house before (his cousin used to live in the flats down the other end, he says) and when i messaged her later on thanking her and saying it was a bit sus that he directed her perfectly to mine n she said ‘hmm ben seems to go to yours more than he does his own home 🤔🤔🤔🤔’ bc apparently he was absolute shite at giving directions to his flat 😭 n e way he’s a sweetheart n he says he doesn’t like christmas anymore n he made me sad after he said that n i said i’d post coal through his letter box n he said i might as well n i was like okay this is an actual problem n now i’m gone be super nice to him at christmas bc he deserves so much more that the hand he’s been dealt. this convo happened after i let him try this herbal tea he said smelt nice n i said it tasted like christmas to me. he’s such a good person (despite literally everything he tells me about his past) n i cannot have him being a little humbug. god i think this crush i joked to you about is becoming a soft core friendship. like every fucking wattpad story out there. me n the girls agreed someone has to love him 🥺

okay im signing off now ily ~ 🌻

 i am glad you are feeling better though, nobody deserves to suffer. and nobody deserves to have their emotions invalidated. remember that your emotions matter at all times. <3

yesyes i am still in school !! altough my summer break started on july 1st so i am not that stressed about managing many things at once anymore hh,, also you are working so much ??? damn ?? please remember to take some breaks and relax !! and meet your friends !!! have fun. i know you are saving up money but please dont overwork yourself !

wHY ARE PEOPLE SO RUDE OH MY GOD I SWEAR,,, i learned that while working with people. i just,, it feels like they are all looking down on me just because i am young and work there part-time. like bro,,chill. also i feel kind of bad when they ask me where stuff is and i cant tell them bc i have no idea but at the same time if people were all introverts like me i wouldnt have this problem. :) dfjk jk jk i should improve on that. i wish people were more nice to you !!! who do they think they are ?? like,,,,,why are you rude. this is clearly not your problem.

i like it when people tell you respectfully. like the guy you mentioned. because clearly what are you going to do about the cold food when they’ve eaten it all. where’s the logic. 

IT SOUNDS LIKE HE IS OVER AT YOURS EVERY OTHER DAY DFJAKL that’s so funny. also i am bad at giving directions to my flat as well lmaoo poor ladies that drive me home from work sometimes. also i hate christmas as well lmaoo i feel that boy. its a little hard for me and i hope he doesn’t feel as bad during christmas this year when he has you around hihi,,, i fully stan this friendship. altough i am a big fan of friends to lovers if you know what i mean. in the energy of wattpad :))

ily !!!

#you can guess my mental stability by how quick i respond to asks #anyways #💌ask #🌻 anon

[toniflackus]

#TONIFLACKUS THE QUEEN GOAT LIFE STORY SHE WRECKED HER OWN SHIT UP AND OWNS UP TO IT RESPECT THIS SHIT BITCH

tHIS STARTED OUT AS MY LINKDN SUMMARY AND TURNED INTO MY LIFESTORY ENJOY MY CRAZY ASSHOLE MY LUVS

Transgender gamer girl epic famous streamer on #twich #youtube #facebook #younow. I'm 33 medically retired from the USAF for #bipolar disorder #badconductdiscarch for drug use and selling drugs to my EXwife how set me up with USAF OSI. I have been on a computer for over 28 years working with programming and computer #gamers. I focus only on #MMORPGs. My first #MMORPG was #Runescape look me up  #tflackus #tonyflackus #tonyflackuss im in the TOP #HISCORES of all time :) I started playing #WorldOfWarcaft in 2006 when i joined the #USAF as a #SERE_Instructor I began endgame raiding by 2007 by starting the #guild #NoLifer we were the first to complete the #40ManRaid #QueenButKingAtTheTime. During this time I was a #proSkateboarder for #GlobeShoeCompany while working at #Hy-Vee as a #produceManager. At the age of 17 I graduated #ShawneeMissionNorth @KansasCity while attending #Kstate for #computerProgramming won 6 #contest with my #JAVA abilities. After I broke my ankle and #getWrecked by knee nolle flipping a #13stair i left home with the #USAF to #Japan. I failed out of #SERE training on purpose because im not #HARDCORE and didnt want to be #SpecialOPS so i got a job as a #AircraftFuelSystemMechanic. I won the #SeniorAirmanBelowTheZone in 2009 and sewed on #StaffSargent within 4 year of #MilitaryService.  After 2 years at #kadenaAFB,Japan I when to #KunsanAFB Korea where I launched over 2000 Aircraft #Sorties for #GlobalWarOnTerrorism during this time I was able to get 3 #IncentiveRides on my favorite Airplane the #F-15 that was quite the experience going #mock5 in the air upsidedown lolz! I then went to #NewMexico to #crosstrain into #CyberSecurity I sewed on #E5/StaffSargent and when to #Mississipi for my #CompTIASec+ certificated this test has been the only thing I have ever had to study for in my life its that #HARDASFUCK! I scored at 890/900 the highest they have ever had by the end of my study routine I have over 2,500 notecards of various computer security topics. At my new #USAF+Base in #albuquerque#NM I ran the Crypto/Information Assurance office for the whole base reported directly to the #Commander of the #USAFWING. IP failed alot due to lack of training #USAFSUCKS. In 2012 I attempted suiced for the first time #LIFEisHARD. I slit both wrists from hand to elbow and stabed myself 8 times 3 in each arm and once in the belly and once in the heart #IMCRAZY. #Hospitalized for over 2 years in #Texas at #MilitaryStarUnit @WitchitaFallsTexas. After 6 months of constance observation and IQ tests/Personality Tests they diagnosed me with Sever #ADHD #BiPolarDisorder #MajorDepression and started me on my first over dose of #Adderall I was instantly addicted it made my brain feel #Normal I would get all the girls in the #MentalHospital to give me thier dose #QueenAsAKing. After 9 months i was discharged and moved to #WitchtaKansas @McConnell AFB because there was a big #Stigma with #Depression with the #military. Here my exwife @Amanda and got divorced after she caught me #DressingAsMySelfABeautifulWomen #ThatFuckedMeUp. I got #severlyDepressed and tried to #shootMyself #HOWtheFuckDidIMiss but i did and went and asked for #HELPMEPLZBITCH then i went to the military Star UNIT in KansasCityKansaS and got 100% sober no more #Adderall #Acid #coke #meth #weed #alcohol #cigerets #spice #K2 #heroin #YEAHiDidITAllSon. I went #GODMODE on life was more #MANIC then ever i learned how to control my #BloodPressure and could purposely raise it to well over 250 over 150 to scare the shit out of the #Nurses loz #BOSSBITCH! The director of the #Hospital told me to #STARTartTherapy because I #REFUSED to #talkAboutMyEmotions in #Therapy and I did. For the first time in my life I felt #Artistic with my #ZENARTWORK #TATTOODESIGNS. After 3 months I started #communicating with the #FUCKINGTHERIPIST and #THATKINGOFAMAN told me that I was a #ENFJ and i was like #IDONTGIVE2SHITSDUDEHURRYupIMissMyWoWGuilDies then he explaned to me what that was and i was like im a #IntrovertYouFuckStain and he was like #STFUandListen and I finally did right before I was discharged he said I was going to come down from this #GODLIKE #MANIA and it was going to be bad unless I took #BiPolarMeds and I said #GOEATADICKnoMoreDrugsForToni. I was discharged one week after my first sons 2nd #bDay #AtticusWasSad so was I. I went baCk to @McConnelAFB to live in my 3,000 SQ house all by myself #LONELYASFUCK I was #MAnic for the next 3 Months sleeping once a week eating #Japaneze curry on the weekend and nothing during the week #WorkedHARDASFUCK for the #SHITTYUSAFMILIARY #GOTNORESPECTFORMYWORK #SUPERVISORDIDNOTCAREABOUTMEBECAUSETHEYCAUGHTMEDRESSINGUPASAGIRL #TRANS_ISSUES. JUST LIKE THE DOCTOR SAID THE MANIA WORE OFF AND #HOLYFUCKINGSHITDIDREALITY HIT #HARDASATONOFBRICKS BUT TONI WAS DONE FUCKING AROUND WITH #SUICIDEATTEMPTS SO #TONI RESEARCHED HOW TO KILL MYSELF WITHOUT ANYPAIN FIGURED OUT HOW #I3WONTTELLYOU TOOK #1MONTH TO ORDER THE #SUPPLIES FOR VARRIOUS #3RDWORLDCONTRIES THEN SET UP MY #DEATHBED AND SET IT ALL UP LAID DONE WAS GOING TO PRESS THE BUTTON BUT THEN #JESUS #LITERLLY TOLD ME NOT TO #cantExplainTheFeelingAllOfASuddenFeltLikeLiving but i choose to start doing #adderal again. #adderall worked for 6 months then #THISBITCH needed more #MORE and I met a #drugDealerGirl #shewasBBWBlackGirl and yes we #hooke3dUP. Started doing a drug called #TONY lol yea im suck a #BADBITCH they named this synthetic cocane after me #QUEENTONI. #DUMBASSEXWIFE learned of my drug use and #Snitched on me to #USA_OSI they set up a #StingOperation and I #SOLDDRUGS TO MY #FUCKING3EX. #THATWASDUMB #mILITARY STARTED DOING 24 HOUR SURVALANCE ON MY HOUSE AND TAPPED MY COMPUTERS AND PHONE BUT #TONIKNOWBITCH BUT #TONIWAS #PYCOTIC DUE TO #DRUGS SO i keept doing them anyway I would get #FUCKADRUGTEST everyweek and I told my #commander Im test #positive for #WEED/METH/COKE/ACID/ADDERAL AND THEY SAID WELL THEN STOP AND I SAID #iCANTINEEDHELPSENDMEBAcKTOHOSPITALPLZSIR AND THEY SAID #fUCKYOUWIERD. BASICALLY because they knew i dressed like a women at home they refused to help me to push me at of the #fuckingMilitary! After 4 months of being constatly watched my #anxiety was #rediculy and i was #ready to us the #DEATHMACHINEiMade but my #drugDealingGirlFriend convinced me to #runaway with her. so I went #AWOL #LOLRUNTONIRUN  QUITE unsucsessfully i might add i was on the #road for #3wholeDays when i got caught at #GAMESTOP selling my #3DS for some #FOODMONEY SO I COULD #FEEDMYGIRL THEY BUT ME IN MILITARY JAIL. While in #jail the onlything to do was @artwork #ZenTangle #tattoo designs so that is what i did #InowSellMyArtBTW50$for my big pieces #20$for littleones #gottamakeThatMoney The onlything i could do was read but the only #fuckingbook they had was the Fucking  #bible and i was a #scientific person so i was like #fuckthatshit but i eventually did pick it up and starting reading it like ascience gbook so like i was like im prove this shit #WRONG AS FUCK but i started to #believeINGOD like WTF i was like this is like a book of LIFE and it changed my #MYLIFEBRO so i read the whole #FUCKINGBIBLE word for word includeing leviticus which is just a bunch of wieghts and measure @LOLLS my favorite passages are the #job #eclisiasties i swear to GOD and JESUS that #eclisiasties was #BIPOLAR and #ADHD like me basically his life was devoted to finding #HAPPINESS in all aspects like money women art and i can relate i have been very successful but was never happy untill i found #JESUS lol its crazy for 25 years i was a anthiest but after reading the bible for myself i found my faith in a HIGHER power before that i was the #MUTHAFUCKINGHIGHTPOWERBITCH i was sooo smart and i could do anything i fucking #SETMYMINDtoooo :))) but that is not tru i could not stope #ADDERAL without #GOD and now that i have #GOD is till #FUCKMYOWNLIFEUPONTHEDAIly lolz but hey we all have to learn somewhy right but for #TONI i have to learn from self harm lolz my like #HARDBUTEASYIFIListenToMyself i give amazing life advicce but have a #FUKCING hard time doing it #myself :P as i was reading the bible i relised two things!! right so the first was the jesus is a THE fucking #KINGofGoats right all that mutherfucker did was #HELP #everybody right he didnt care if you got dick in your ass or [pussy he didnt care if you masterbated he didnt care about marking your body with tattoo he just #LOVED right but the FUCKING #aposiles or his #FOLLOWERS well they put human thought into his message of love and fucked it all up they put resrtictions on love and on gods love #FUCKTHATSHIT #GOD loves his one and only son like i love my two son and his son #JESUS says love love love #BITCHLOVEisAllYouNeedToDoToGetIntoHeaven love jesus accept him and when you die you will be with #THEKINGHIMFUCKINGSLEF right so the otgher thing is that #GODISADICKRIGHT lolssss hekilled his own son lol #THAT IS FUCK UP right i would never is #JESUS told me to harm my son i would #GOTOTHEDEVEL lol :) but #GODISAPINMP right what does god #DO well #godDOESWHATHEWANTS lol so i learned the #TONI is like #GOD guess what i do in life i was created by #god and i will live like both #JESUS and #god i will #LOVEYOUALLMUTHAFUCKERS and i will #DOwhatIFuckikingWant that reminds me #TwitchCanSuckMyFemalCokeWhile i still have it for trying to IPBan me fuck you I tried to get a job with you and got an interview and you said my #PAST was too much #FUCKTHATSHIT :P so fuck you I will become so famous that I #TAKE all you viewers and port them to my own website im designing bitch #www.toniflackuslive24/7.com :P fuck you @twich :P where were we oh yea i was in jail for the fist time doing art and reading the bible so now that that happen i was like wayyyyyyyy sucidal so i was like how #DaaaFuck do i #KILLmySelf in jail when they wont even let me wear clothes lol for real i was naked in my jail cell cuz i was #suicidal they would watch me eat and only give me a plastic spoon lik WTF i did even get a blanket or mattress i slept on the #FUCKING #METALBED i still haVe back problem because of that shit for 33 days i went thourgh hell and #JESUS is the only thing that keep me going but after a while #Jesus was not enough i found a way to #killMyself i bent the copper pipe off the tolet by putting my arm around it and flexing #atTheTime im jittery because i abused aderall for 8 years i did 210 mg a day i would stay up for weeks at a time you fuck yes adderal is sythetic pharmacudical meth and its powerfull 210 mtg would kill most people via heart attack now i have to check my blood pressure and if it getting above 175 over 110 i have to drink #BEER to calm down ok lets  play bdo sorry #readers i was oon my twitch!! ok back to the story at hand let me put on so music **break from lifestory and im do rado facts** #######################Rando FACTS about your #ToniISTheFuckingQueenGOAT######### 1) I dont kno the english alphabet but i do the the japanese one 2)I didnt learn to read or write until i was in 3rd grade 3)i have been sexually active from the age of 12 4)my first girlfriend was 16 and she would put stuff in my ass and i loved it!!!! 5)im ambidexterious which means i can do stuff with both hand *wink* *wink* 6)my nickname in los angles was "Blackus" because i only had black friends so i was a big time Wigger lolz 7)i wrote my first java program when i was 7 years old it was a worm that multipled on a hardrive until it was full i ran it on my step dads network and he beat the shit out of me for a week lol #bossbitch 8)my stepdad i call him KEVdad was a CIO for the Shawnee mission school district and we had the backup sever farm in our basement so i have been a #NETWORKADMIN since the age of 5 9)in the metal hospital i hacked thier computer and gained #ROOT lvl access with the first week of being there i allowed all the #patients to look at #porn #lolz i got banned from using the computer but i never gave them the #ROOTPASSWORD back lol!!! to this day i can log into thier network :P 10)i have always been transgender i have a female life prospective and a female brain 11)i have yet to have sex with a man mutually i have been raped 5 times 12)i dont like my penis never have 13)im getting my sex change in Tailand when i earn eno money 14)i stream on chaterbate look up trangendertoni 15)i havent had sex in 3 years lol yes that is why im sooo randy #lolhornybitch 16)i have a boyfriend his name is ricky and he will be the first one to get me :) he is a famous streamer #Reaper_kings_ 17) i have 2 sons Atticus James Flackus 8 years old luca Efften Flackus 5 years soon old 18) i was born on december 25 1987 19)i have been a video gamer for over 27 years i only play RPG game and even then they have to be japanese style not american li8ke skyrim i own every single jap RPG that was ever made 20) i wrote the first guide on #gamefaqs for FFVII me and my friend @archon009 found the bug that let you #DUP item and we posted it back in 1997 :P 21) i play FFVII every year and max out the materia and lvl up all char to 99 and get all ultimate weapons 22) i was a beta tester for Runescape World of warcraft and BlackDesert online 23)i need to pee fuck me i wish i had a cathitor 24)my resting blood pressure is 140 over 90 25)i can read and write in japanese better than english 26)i have 78 paid for Black Desert Online account i have spent over 250,000 USD on ingame items and accounts lol #BOSSLVLSPENDING 27)my current exWife used to beat me up for spending money on video games 28)i have been to jail twice one for selling and doing drugs in the #USaF and then most recently was released from jail after 23 days for threatening to kill @angel colon for calling me a trans faggot #FUCKTHATGUY 29)i eat maybe once a day sometimes i dont eat :P 30)i smoke over 100 cigs a day yes i will die of cancer 31) im still writeing rando facts about myself guys if you wanna read the whole thing go to @facebook goolgle #toniflackus 32) my best friend @rob "the steamboat" fulton is deaF so i learned sign laungange at a young age you will see me do alot of it on steam i miss him #ALOT but now that im a #GIRL he dosnt talk to me 33)i have 2 sister amber 35 andrea 40 and one brother adom 39 we were all in the #USAF #Amber Casados my sister is the only one that talke to me after i came out 4 months ago #transgender my mom #DISOWNEDMYASS and my #STEPDAD said he would #KILL me if i came to visit #IWOULDKILLHIMFIRSTBITCH #lol 34) i have been on estogen and testoterone blockers for 4 months 35) im bipolar with phycotic featurs which means i tend to go #MANIC and stay that 3wasy for DAYS #IMHIGHASFUCKWITHNODRUGSBITCH 36)my most priced possestion is my newly forming boobds lol :) i love them i wont ever get fake boob not that i dont like #BIGTITAREFUNTOPLAYWITH its just i want natural little titties :P 37) all my #twitchmoney i give away #GIVEAWAYS WEEKLY 38) my ex @kayleigh Anh Daniels was a #SUPERMODEL 39 my first wife @Amanda Lynn Jennings was a weed dealer and was being abused by a house full of guys eet off craiglist and she came over and we fucked and then i found out about all that shit that was happening i left my USAF job within minutes and went over and bitch the shit out of lik 4 dudes and took her home with me we got married the next month 40) i have done every drug that i have researched and goten my hands onto my fav #DOC (drug of choice) is adderal 41)i have not done an illegal drug is 7 years and stop3ed abuseing my adderal 7 months ago i have told all my doctors that im a #DRUGADDICT and not to prescribe anything addictive #DAMiRegretSayingThat #missThatAdderalHIGH 42)i stream my whole life 24/7 even when im banned from #twichIsABtich i stream on #facebook #younow #youtube #multipleTwitchAccount just google #toniflackus 43)i was on the FBI most wanted list for going AWOL because i held the highest security clearance within the military because i worked directly on the SIPRnet the (secret)(topSecret) intranet of the Department of Defence they found me within 3 days 44) twitch is going to find with within the next few hours so #FUCKME lolz im try and log into my main twitch toniflackus #LETS{PRAY IT WORKS #NOPE STILL BANNED #im take a break if you wanna read all this shit im writing go to my facebook toniflackus #smokebreak im go outside and get some fresh air guys luv you #missmyBoyfriend #missmySons #missmyExwife #ok this shit is too much #emotions #imply video#games

#THATSUCKSBIGDICKSANDDIRTYHAIRYONESTHATLOOKFUNNY!!!    ###MORE TO COME IF YOU WANT###

#TONIFLACKUS @LGBTQIA+ TRANSGENDER DEPRESSION BIPOLAR USAF VETERAN CODER JAVA COBALT PHYTHON C C++ JAVASCRIPT SOFTWAREENGINEER

[wiener-blut]

i was tagged by my bb @babypaulchen ages ago and now the time has come to finally do this shit!! i told u i was gonna do it Brig!!

rules: answer these 85 questions and tag 20 people (i wont tag anyone bc im doubting i even know 20 ppl on here lmao)

— what was your last…

1. drink: peach flavoured ice tea 2. phone call: my mom bc i asked her if shes interested in some hyacinth bulbs for her garden since the ones that stood in my room decayed 3. text message: to my cousin, setting a time where we can call and chat 4. song you listened to: actual surprise - its not Rammstein *ooohs and aaahs fly through the crowd* it was “The Schuyler Sisters” from Hamilton 5. time you cried: yesterday bc i had the worst fucking headache ever and i was being a whiny bitch

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it: uhh no? 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: yes 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yes, multiple times and ive come to the conclusion that throwing up makes me feel better afterwards like im back to being able to actually perveice my environment again lmao

— fave colours

12. black 13. pastel pink 14. actually i kinda love all colours idk

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yes! 16. fallen out of love: no 17. laughed until you cried: yes, multiple times, good 18. found out someone was talking about you: like uh shittalking? idk so i guess not 19. met someone who changed you: uhhh kinda? 20. found out who your friends are: um well i found out that my friends are good friends and that i love them and that i dont want to miss any of them 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: what? u can “kiss” someone on facebook? lmao i didnt take a look on facebook for literally years .......man i had a massive brainlag here. i thought u can now “kiss” ppl on facebook like u can “poke” ppl on facebook and it didnt come to my mind this could mean “irl” lmao bury me IF it means irl tho, then yes

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: pff idk man who the fuck still uses that shithole of a site anyways

23. do you have any pets: no but i had a super cute and fluffy bunny and i still miss him and think about him everyday also i plan on having half a farm and half a zoo in the future

24. do you want to change your name: not anymore; i used to hate my name bc its so outdated and the only answer i ever got on introducing myself was “hey my grandma has the same name isnt that funny” but then more and more people told me my name was pretty and unique and well now that im older (sounds like im 40 lmao) im even kinda fond of it

25. what did you do for your last birthday: umm uhh i guess i was studying for my exams lol but i remember my gf cooking an amazing dinner for me 💖

26. what time did you wake up today: uhhhhhh smth around 9am i think

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: actually sleeping for once bc that headache knocked me out completely

28. what is something you can’t wait for: fucking going to fucking Hamburg in fucking five fucking days

30. what are you listening to right now: the birds chirping outside

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes i had a classmate named Tom........he was a bit strange tho.......

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: i cant think of anything rn

33. most visited website: Tumblr and Youtube

34. hair colour: natural? blonde / current? dyed it pink two weeks ago

35. long or short hair: long ass hair and i mean, literally, they reach all the way down to my hips

36. do you have a crush on someone: ohhhahahaha so, so many, one - and maybe the king of em all - being Christoph Schneider (not obvious at all cough cough)

37. what do you like about yourself: uhhhhhhhhhhh.........;;;;; i guess... uh... *insert more unintelligent noises* maybe my legs?

38. want any piercings: no, except for maybe some on my ear

39. blood type: 0 positive, i think

40. nicknames: Lily

41. relationship status: super duper gay af with @haifisch-ohne-traenen

42. sign: officially capricorn (i like to say “the last capricorn” bc it sounds like “the last unicorn” and well my birthday is on the last day that still counts as capricorn), but honestly im more of an aquarius

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: i recently watched Grimm and the story was okay but the cast was like super adorable and i fell in love with every single one of them

45. tattoos: none. YET. i have plans for so much i just am very bad at deciding

46. right or left handed: right handed 47: ever had surgery: okay, small story time. there are these childrens books by german illustrator and author “Janosch” in which a tiger and a bear are best friends and i used to love those books. so once, tiger got ill (his stripes slipped out of place) and he needed to see the doctor. and the exact line was “soothing small shot, blue dream, surgery over, noticed nothing, tiger healthy”. and i once was in the hospital bc there was something wrong my nose (i dont remember what it was tho) and so they anaesthetized me (and my fav stuffie which i brough with me for mental support) and afterwards i told everyone of my “blue dream” and everyone was like ????? wtf kid bc they didnt know what i was talking about and it was just some months ago when i finally found out that a narcosis isnt called a “blue dream” and that i just knew this bc of this books which i adored and tbh i was like MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE “BLUE DREAM” IS AN ADORABLE TERM FOR IT 48. piercings: none 49. sport: i did ballet for 15 years and i still love to dance around the house and the mother of my best friend once called me cute bc i cant stand still and always spin around or stretch my toes while lifting my leg or do some pliés and tbh i wasnt even aware of that

50. vacation: uh...i love? lmao

51. trainers: umm like my shoes? mostly wearing my black doc martens

— more general

52. eating: i love me some good salad with tomatoes, mozzarella and tuna but ngl a pizza margherita could beat that salad any time. or a nice ragout fin. or mac’n’cheese. i love food in general, okay

53. drinking: i’d kill for a tequila rn. but like non-alcoholic beverage - plain water, yes thank u

54. i’m about to watch: some movie with my gf which we havent decided on yet

55. waiting for: my gf to return home from work so i can smooch her pretty face

56. want: to cuddle honestly

57. get married: since its legal in germany for some months now... idk tbh, its not smth i debate about on a daily basis

58. career: um i have a vague plan for becoming a speech pathologist but yea... its very vague

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: gotta say eyes

61. shorter or taller: i dont care actually

62. older or younger: um sweats loudly...... older (fun fact i recently calculated the average age of my celebrity crushes....yes i was bored.... and it resulted in 50.... well.....)

63. nice arms or stomach: arms, fucc me up

64. hookup or relationships: relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant: me? kinda both

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yes 68. turned someone down: not really?

69. sex on first date: nope

70: broken someone’s heart: probably

71. had your heart broken: uh yea...kinda

72. been arrested: no

73. cried when someone died: yes, im a whiny bitch so i cry easily

74. fallen for a friend: yeah binch im dating that lovely ho right now... im gonna leave Brig’s answer here bc its perf and same here

— do you believe in

75. yourself: ugh

76. miracles: i want to

77. love at first sight: no

78. santa claus: i want to lol but no

79. angels: fuck yes

— misc

80. eye colour: blue-gray-green-ish mud 81. best friend’s name: Dana

82. favourite movie: so? much? i cant decide, really

83. favourite actor: Tom Hiddleston, i love this british dork, lemme tell u

84. favourite cartoon: phuh, idk i dont really watch cartoons

85. favourite teacher’s name: SWEATS LOUDLY AND AGGRESIVELY i had two massive teacher crushes back in my school days and that makes me a bit biased but im gonna say Herr Wolf was a great teacher bc he always said “hey, astronomy’s a minor subject, the test won’t be hard and i wont give u homework, u guys concentrate on math, german and english” and tbh we need more teachers like that

#tag thing #aaaa god that was so fun but a bit time consuming tbh lol

[its-stranger-than-you-think]

I was tagged by the Queens: @not-reddie and @its-reddie-bitch

1. last drink?: Idk man, I haven’t had anything to drink since yesterday morning I believe lmfaooooo

2: last phone call?: My best friend

3. last text message?: “hey hoe, what up?”

4. last song you listened to?: Visions of Gideon by Sufjan Stevens

5. last time you cried?: Like two days ago because of a fanfic I read 😭

6. dated someone twice?: haven’t officially dated anyone once so nah

7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope

8. been cheated on?: again, never dated anyone so nope, but idk why they would EVER because I’m a goddamn catch 🤷🏼‍♀️

9. lost someone special?: too many to count

10. been depressed?: been??

11. gotten drunk and thrown up?: you mean that one time I drank half of a big ass bottle of vodka by myself even though I’m a fuckin lightweight? Then yes

fave colors

12. Lavender

13. The orangy-yellow color of a sunset/sunrise

14. Forest green

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends?: Tons! A lot of them I’ve gotten to know on here and they’re all so nice and beautiful and I love them

16. fallen out of love?: that’s assuming I actually have a heart that’s capable of love in the first place... lol kidding... or am I?

17. laughed until you cried?: literally every time I talk to my best friend Ashley

18. found out someone was talking about you?: HAHA YES FUCK THOSE FAKE ASS BITCHES

19. met someone who changed you?: oh, for sure

20. found out who your friends are?: my dog and my best friend :)

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list?: Facebook who?

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl?: again, Facebook who?

23. do you have any pets?: my dog Gracie. What an angel ❤️

24. do you want to change your name?: yes, i hate my name

25. what did you do for your last birthday?: I have no idea, I can’t remember

26. what time did you wake up today?: 5:30. My ass never sleeps

27. what were you doing at midnight last night?: listening to music

28. what is something that you can’t wait for?: MY LIFE TO FINALLY GET ITSELF TOGETHER! IT’S LONG OVERDUE

30. what are you listening to right now?: Doves In The Wind by SZA. Literally a song about pussy; it’s fucking fantastic. HIGHLY SUGGEST

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom?: probably, idek,

32. something getting on your nerves?: Everything is, but what’s new?

33. most visited website?: AO3, Tumblr and Twitter

34. hair color?: really dirty blonde

35. long or short hair: long

36. do you have a crush on someone?: nah

37. what do you like about yourself?: I like that I can understand people. I’m a very good listener, so if y’all need anyone to talk to, I’m your girl. I’m also very loyal.

38. want any piercings: I only have a single piercing on my ear and I had my nose pierced at one point, but I definitely want my nipples, bellybutton, cartilage and a lot more

39. blood type: I think I’m O neg but I’m not sure

40. nicknames: my name is Courtney, so people like to call me Short Court because everyone thinks it’s so hilarious to make fun of me for being short. Fuckers.

41. relationship status: single

42. zodiac: Taurus

43. pronouns: she // her

44. fave tv show: I don’t watch a ton of tv, but Stranger Things (obvi), Jane the Virgin, New Girl, How To Get Away With Murder, etc

45. tattoos: Me and my best friend wanna get matching ones so hopefully soon

46. right or left handed: right

47. ever had surgery: I had to get cataracts removed as an infant so yep

48 . piercings: one on my ear and I used to have my nose pierced

49. sport: I don’t play anything because I’m an uncoordinated little shit but figure skating, dancing and gymnastics are so cool

50. vacation: I went to the U.K., France and Spain two years ago and it was the best time of my life. I would love to go back.

51. trainers: my converse or my Air Force 1s 🔥🔥

more general

52. eating: I HAVE NOT ATE SINCE YESTERDAY I AM STARVING

53. drinking: nothing

54. im about to watch: nothing

55. waiting for: some fucking food

56. want: to be with my best friend but she lives like 5 states away fml :(

57. get married? I mean it would really depend on the person obviously

58. career: I’m studying nursing but idk if it’s the thang for me, we shall see

59. hugs or kisses: Why not both? I need love

60. lips or eyes: eyes for sure. eyes are so expressive and gorgeous

61. shorter or taller: taller since I’m so short

62. older or younger: older

63. nice arms or stomach: Honey, i can have both

64. hookup or relationship: depends

65. troublemaker or hesitant: usually hesitant, but I have my moments

66. kissed a stranger: no but that sounds fun tbh

67. drank hard liquor: I have but I get super fucked up so yeah not again

68. lost glasses: my eyesight is SHIT so when I was younger I had really thick glasses that magnified my eyes so fucking much and I hated them so I would “lose” them all the time and I ran around blind until my mom got me contacts

69. turned someone down: ha, yes

70. sex on the first date: yeah dude why not let my slutty self free?

71. broken someones heart: not that I know of

72. had your heart broken: I’m surprised it’s still beating if that tells you something

73. been arrested: no, but I almost have

74. cried when someone died: uh yeah? Who wouldn’t?

75. fallen for a friend: a few times

do you believe in…

76. yourself: I’m trying, I really am

77. miracles: not really

78. love at first sight: I may be a sap, but no

79. santa clause: fuck no, if I ever saw an old, ugly, fat, white man crawl through a dusty ass chimney I would beat his ass with a chair

80. kiss on a first date: hell yeah

81. angels: I think there are people who watch over you; whether they’re “righteous” or not is up for debate

82. best friend’s name: Ashley 💖

83. eye color: my eyes are two different colors, so my left is a bright blue and my right is darkish green

84. fave movie: THE LION KING

85. fave actor: can it be an actress?? Cause Viola Davis is incredible

I TAG: I have no idea who to tag lmfaooo but

@hypochondriac-and-a-trashmouth @ew-its-tozier @ashyfluff-lessthan3 @sunflowerstozier @bubbleteasophiee @sarcastic-pumpkin

[izvu]

these are fun so ok thanks abe @trqnsboy for tagging me i tag uhhh whoever wants to do it

the last:

1. drink: water 2. phone call: i dont ever make phone calls 3. text message: asking my sister about her cryptic snapchats 4. song you listened to: everything stays 5. time you cried: literally this morning lol 6. dated someone twice: nah 7. kissed someone and regretted it: nah  8. been cheated on: nah 9. lost someone special: yeah sure 10. been depressed: oh fuck byeah 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nah

three favorite colors:

12. blue 13. red? 14. white

in the last year have you:

15. made new friends: only online 16. fallen out of love: no? 17. laughed until you cried: yeah  18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah 19. met someone who changed you: uhhhh idk maybe 20. found out who your friends are: yeah sure i guess? its not deep 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: nah

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them 23. do you have any pets: tofu shes the best/worst 24. do you want to change your name: yeahb 25. what did you do for your last birthday: nothing i dont think 26. what time do you wake up: either 6am or 3pm no in between 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: sleebin 28. name something you can’t wait for: uhhh idk moving out i guess 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: half an hour ago 31. what are you listening to right now: everything stays ..still 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: byeah 33. something that is getting on your nerves: uhhhhhhh a lot help me           

34. most visited website: tumble

35. hair color: brown 36. long or short hair: not short enough 37. do you have a crush on someone: oh hell byeah 38. what do you like about yourself: lmao??? 39. piercings: ears 40. blood type: b negative? i think 41. nickname: dont really have an official one but abe makes endless puns for me anyway 42. relationship status: suffering 43. zodiac: sagittarius 44. pronouns: they + he 45. favourite tv show: ehhh i mean i like a lot but i started watching bnha recently if that counts and its really good 46. tattoos: uhugh i wish 47. right or left handed: left 48. surgery: i got a tooth removed from my nose a couple years ago 50. sport: i play no sport but i like watching soccer and figure skating 51. vacation: the farthest ive gone is nyc  52. pair of trainers: uhh i only wear either my converse or my white boy shoes

more general:

53. eating: i just ate an english muffin 54. drinking: nothing rn 55. i’m about to: finish s1 of bnha 56. waiting for: it to get dark so i can sleeb again 57. want: to die?  58. get married: nah 59. career: uhhhhb some kind of artist prob animation

which is better:

60. hugs or kisses: kis 61. lips or eyes: uhgh both 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: a a a rms 65. hook up or relationship: hey hey hey lets tone it down here 66. troublemaker or hesitant: im throwin rocks im breakin shit watch out 

have you ever:

67. kissed a stranger: no 68. drank hard liquor: very very very briefly 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: my glasses are always on my face so nah 70. turned someone down: i think so 71. sex on the first date: HEY NO 72. broken someone’s heart: oh i think so 73. had your heart broken: oh yeah babey 74. been arrested: almost 75. cried when someone died: yea 76. fallen for a friend: yeah but fuck him

do you believe in:

77. yourself: oh hellb no 78. miracles: no 79. love at first sight: no 80. santa claus: i am him? 81. kiss on the first date: yeah 82. angels: only myself uwuwuwuwuwuwuuwuwu

other:

83. current best friend’s name: Fucker 84. eye color: greyish 85. favorite movie: uhhhmb maybe spirited away i could watch it forever

#beep #food m / #death m / #mom m / #alcohol m / #its a long post under the readmore rip if youre reading this on my blog on mobile

[verrycherry]

i forgot i was tagged in a thing

Get to Know Me Tag

Tagged by: @shibawav

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: ginger aaaaale 2. Phone call: uhh a customer at work who was asking if we had any cheesecakes w/o chocolate (no) 3. Text message: to charlie asking when we were hanging out 4. Song you listened to: deceptacon by le tigre!! 5. Time you cried: last night after work

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: BIG MISTAKE but yes 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: naah kissing doesnt mean much 8. Been cheated on: not to my knowledge 9. Lost someone special: oh yeah 10. Been depressed: buddy, 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: SURPRISINGLY NO im not a throw-uppy drunk

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: muted green, vermillion, and peachy pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: yes ofc! 16. Fallen out of love: *non committal hand gesture* 17. Laughed until you cried: i cry every time i laugh sagjasguh 18. Found out someone was talking about you: oh boy, yeah, 19. Met someone who changed you: yes! my entire cohort basically lol 20. Found out who your friends are: still trying to figure that out 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: haha, yes, 

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: 100% i dont add anyone i dont know 23. Do you have any pets: technically my kitty (carrots) isnt mine i stole him from my neighbours but im the one who feeds him and hes asleep on me right now. So.  24. Do you want to change your name: as if cin was my real name 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: uhh suffered through dinner w my parents and grandmother then got drunk alone in my room  26. What time did you wake up: 12 pm i am a leech on society 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: dissociating and watching community  28. Name something you can’t wait for: dream daddy!! and moving out 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: uhh last night when she picked me up from work 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: how much i let (redacted) bother me, my job 31. What are you listening right now: i WAS listening to critical role but the video ended and i havent changed it 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: ...no 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: (redacted)’s inability to take responsibility for their own actions 34. Most visited website: youtube and probably a doll dress up site lol

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME

35. Mole/s: one on my temple that scares me 36. Mark/s: ,, a few on my arms and a lot on my hips and inner thighs  37. Childhood dream: as if i remember my childhood  38. Hair color: brownnn w dyed tips 39. Long or short hair: long until it gets annoying 40. Do you have a crush on someone: yes but also *non committal hand gesture* 41. What do you like about yourself: BOY my hips, my ass, my teeth now that they’re fixed, my eyes, my nose 42. Piercings: NO NEVER 43. Blood type: ??? a i think? 44. Nickname: dont like nicknames 45. Relationship status: complicated 46. Zodiac: Libra! 47. Pronouns: he/him 48. Favorite TV Show: communityyy 49. Tattoos: soon! 50. Right or left hand: right! 51. Surgery: my biggest fear is waking up in the middle of surgury  52. Hair dyed in different color: a lot in the past! currently my tips are grey 53. Sport: ew 55. Vacation: if i could go anywhere rn it would be tooooo madrid

56. Pair of trainers: the what

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: nothin atm 58. Drinking: ginger ale 59. I’m about to: get ready to go out 61. Waiting for: MY BIRTHDAY SO I CAN WORK IN MY CHOSEN FIELD 62. Want: move OUT 63. Get married: nahhh probably not unless it meant everything to my partner 64. Career: mental health - atm i want to focus on outreach but we’ll see what the future holds!

WHICH IS BETTER

65. Hugs or kisses: hugs ONLY if ive given permission  66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: taller! 68. Older or younger: ,, older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: hhggh... arms 71. Sensitive or loud: sensetive bc im delicate  72. Hook up or relationship: committed fwb (unless the fucking planets align and i’m actually interested in someone at the same time they are in me) 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: ;)

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: yeah! 75. Drank hard liquor: yesss 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: HAHA, every previous pair i have lost 77. Turned someone down: poorly.... 78. Sex on the first date: yup! it doesnt mean much to me 79. Broken someone’s heart: yeah.. 80. Had your heart broken: OH YEAH 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: im not a crier 83. Fallen for a friend: :T

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: on and off 85. Miracles: nah 86. Love at first sight: crushes at first sight, maybe 87. Santa Claus: oh if only 88. Kiss on the first date: totally! might as well get that out of the way asap

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: idk if im close enough to anyone... maybe zoe? hey zoe dont read this 91. Eye color: boring old brown 92. Favorite movie: Heathers (1988)

[rangerhanna-56-blog]

You're upset bc you got called out on saying something stupid like just man up and say ok I'm wrong I won't do it again sorry like that's all you have to do.... it really is that simple ????

Okay but have you seen my other posts where I said "I'm wrong I get it" "I get it I fucked up"Like I literally acknowledged I fucked up and people still felt the need to send a 17 year old death threats because literally you can't fucking disagree with anyone on this shit website without people attacking you. Like I'm literally being told to kill myself over a sarcastic comment I made and it literally drove me into having a psychotic episode because I literally have multiple psychological problems and I ended up carving awful fucking shit into my body with an actual knife. Like do people on here actually realize when they attack someone, that person might not actually be able to handle being threatened because of something literally so fucking small. I literally went to this person and tried to explain myself and yeah I did it in a petty way and they posted it for literally all their followers to see, but then as soon as I started getting anon hate they were like "but those aren't MY followers". Like how do you ACTUALLY know none of those people aren't your followers tho??? Like do you really think that ur followers are gonna step forward and say "yeah lol I was one of those ppl threatening that girl and saying that her and her family deserve to be killed" legit all because I compared TRUMP to fucking HITLER. Like bitch now that I've had my mental breakdown and I've calmed down a bit I can actually advocate for myself and say I'm allowed to have a differing fucking opinion than someone else and I shouldn't be fucking harassed for it. And idk wtf the whole "white liberalism" thing is when like I've done nothing to show I only care about the white race. Like yeah I'm white but that's literally just it??? Like sorry that I think that history is repeating itself bc THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE and I have countless people agreeing with me WHO HAVE STUDIED THIS SHIT, that Trump is going to turn this country into something absolutely fucked up (he's literally having neo-nazis work for him like idk how else to fucking make this comparison any clearer???). Like are you just upset bc I compared him to hitler bc that's literally what everyone has been doing and it's annoying or are you literally trying to tell me that there are no similarities between them and that I shouldn't be worried as much as you all should be??? Like as long as you're not a Straight White CIS Christian Male, you're fucked. People are being fucking murdered because of this dude. What I'm trying to say if yeah I'm admitting I fucked up and I literally HAVE BEEN but none of you people people listen so I literally went into full panic mode and caused physical fucking harm to my body that probably requires a doctor to look at (let's be honest im not going to a fucking doctor because if they ask me why all this happened and I tell them it was tumblr discourse, they either won't understand or I'll get the biggest eye roll ever). I literally hope everyone is satisfied with themselves here. Are you happy that you got the "clueless white girl" to finally hurt herself because I hope you are. And the whole thing about me "using my mental illness to manipulate people and make them feel bad for me" is so much bullshit. Yes I had someone take a screenshot btw because I wanted to see how things were playing out. All because you got through this type of shit without support doesn't mean you're a better human being??? This was talked about as if people knew exactly what I suffer from and that it was just me using mild depression or something to excuse the dumb shit I do. And if you haven't fucking noticed yet, I literally just admitted right there that some of the shit I do is in fact dumb.If you want to get into this with me and you really want an explanation I can give it to you because that really isn't half the case. My family literally is full of people who have psychological problems (some of which I don't even know the names of). Just recently my grandfather (a retired police officer) was found hiding in his bedroom from my grandmother with a loaded fucking gun while whispering to it and he was later diagnosed with stage 3 Alzheimer's and he's convinced my grandmother is a member of the Italian mafia sent to assassinate him. I'm not telling you family stories for nothing and I'm sure you guys are gonna have a good laugh about this too because no matter what I say to explain myself I still get treated like shit. Im not even sure if I'm allowed to say this, but if even a team of Harvard Medical Graduates; professionals that people from all around the world seek for help from; can't pinpoint what psychological problems I have, then I shouldn't be given that "trying to manipulate people" shit. A fucking adult said this. If you have any experience with being mentally ill like you say you do, then you know just how fucking difficult it is to properly function and be able to say the right things and advocate for yourself. Do you know how fucking hard it is to fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning knowing that you'll probably have to rely on a caretaker for the rest of your fucking life because you can't make choices for yourself and will need to be under constant supervision so you don't fucking hang yourself one day?? I don't fucking enjoy being a literal walking disease, but thanks for implying that I would ever use it as a fucking tool to get what I want when I want it, you ignorant fuck. You didn't possibly think after screenshotting my mental breakdown that "Hey, someone probably has to have some type of chemical imbalance to type all of this out" before posting it and using it as a prop to get on some fucking high horse. I'm not some mildly depressed idiot fucking white girl who has no clue what happens outside of the cushy walls of my fucking house. I know how fucking horrible and disgusting the human race can be to each other which is part of the reason why I'm like this.I get it! You're so much more fucking smarter than me!!! I'm a stereotypical white western liberal! You caught me red handed! I literally hope that every single one of you have gotten your superiority fix for the day because I've literally had to move blogs because of this. I actually came back to this blog to clean up my mess of posts which is what I do after my episodes, and I happened to notice that one of the anons I had was surprisingly not abuse, but still something bitchy anyway. If you want anything positive to come from me answering this, then I'm just gonna say Thank You for not being like one of the other people who wished death upon me. If you guys still aren't satisfied with this, then I don't fucking know what else to say?? I've explained myself and admitted over and over that I was wrong, but nobody was satisfied until I freaked the fuck out and they got a good laugh out of causing a stupid white girl distress. I'm humiliated now and have pretty much become a laughing stock so yeah. There it is.

[untitledacrylic]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I got a lot goin on in this post so bear with me if its scattered. Apologies in advance

Lets just fuck around and talk about my physiological state. Consistently having hot flashes. Stressed or is it just July in Texas, we’ll never know. Got a fuckin lump in my throat, Yknow, the kind you get before you cry? So here's the fucking issue, I cannot cry. I have not been able to for months I will not allow myself to have the feelings.

I have developed these ungodly delusions of grandeur relating myself. What are they you ask well lets rattle them off!

- every time someone asks me if I want something from them and the answer is yes I still say no because I deserve nothing B)

but Claire! surely you have human wants and desires! yes! I have so many! I just only want to give every ounce of myself to other people and accept nothing ni return because I am trying to waste away and die and at least if I never accept anything from others they 

- People keep needing my emotional energy/effort so I no longer have time to have any feelings of my own because I'm too busy stressing about someone else’s problems

now you might saying “Claire just don't answer! just ignore them!’ GOD I WOULD LOVE TO. Too bad I was built to carry guilt the size of the Vatican, and I simply feel bad if I read someones Text and know they're having a bad time. If I even read the fucking TEXT I will not be able to stop thinking about it so honestly just fuck me. you might also be asking well Claire, how is that a grandiose delusion? BECAUSE THESE BITCHES DON’T NEED ME HOLY FUCK. 

I have Made myself such an accessible resource for my friends to just fucking ravage and that is completely my own doing. Why did I do it? Because I wholeheartedly believe if I am not providing a service to my friends that I am useless because I am also convinced I have no other redeeming qualities.

people seem to like me a lot but I don’t really care, because they like my customer service personality. I won't say “I am” because some of you little shit bags who read my blog disagree, but I SEE MYSELF as nothing more than a multitool? 

aaaaaand jumping to another thought rn but I sent my friend a video explaining a sad piece of art I made and they replied “ma’am do you need assistance?” and I replied with “no I will never need assistance from anyone because I am not plagued by the same disgusting mortal issues that you emotional fools are” and lets just unpack alllll of that for a second

1. I am not god. I am a stupid fucking idiot who makes so many mistakes

2. viewing myself as a god is the reason I can't feel normal emotions anymore. I told myself too many times “you don't deserve to be sad your life it good” so now every time I am sad, no im not. it just, goes down ... down.... down down down down down and now I just feel nothing

3. #2 also applies to desire. I want something? no I don't. I am utterly incapable of asking for anything now for fear of being perceived as someone who needs things or help. I don't need either. I can do everything on my own and if I can't I will simply fucking die.

I forgot where I was going so now im moving on if you don't like it, mail me Adderall so I can focus.

anyway I have another weird problem where sometimes im sad or I have a negative feeling and I want to tell someone about it and I will open up the text conversation with all of my friends, type a message, decide nobody wants to hear it, delete it, try again with another friend, delete it, and repeat that process untilI have tried everyone. In which case, I will fuck my way over to this website and start writing. 

I think I can't talk to my friends because someone them come to me with so many things and its honesty really annoying. I don't care what I tell my friends about always being there to help them because right now im putting all of my problems on the back burner to deal with theirs so that I can maintain my friendships. I am so tired of everyone and I wish they would leave me alone. I have tiers of friendship because I genuinely can't handle being close to so many people but GOD it feels like in SAO when they were climbing the world tree to get to Asuna. In this scenario, my friendship is Asuna, my mental stability is the world tree and my GOD y'all are chopping that bitch down. Is there even a polite way to tell someone “you are getting to close to me and I don't like it so can you please back the fuck off and stop trying to know me? please go back to the acquaintance zone until I am ready for you”

I stared at the tv for too long so now its time to tell you all that I think max and Emma are my only friends who are valid and matter. They are the only people who'd have the gall to read my blog. I love you stupid fucks. You are the only 2 people to recognize my extreme disdain for sharing my feelings. I am incredibly appreciative of you both, I love that I don’t feel like I have to talk to you every day to maintain our friendship, I love that you guys open up to me at your own pace, I love that when I tell y'all disgustingly personal things you don't get all serious and “hey, you can always talk to me :( im here for you :(” I already know you bitvhes are. Thank you for being the only two people who don't drive me absolutely insane every day. except the you didn't tell us you were dating Michael. I’m over it but no free passes (I would add a silly and quizzical emoji here but im on my laptop so please re read the last sentence with a tone of a lighthearted and friendly bully)

I will now talk about Everett. There are no issues but I am still entirely unable to be vulnerable with him. its a problem I would like to get over. I can't ask him for anything either. Idk why I just don’t like to. I don't like to ask anyone for anything but idk I thought id be able to open up to my own boyfriend? He is obviously caring and understanding I just feel like. The second I’m vulnerable with one person like. I’m known. id be perceived? He knows im depressed fuck I just feel like I have so many more negative traits that im hiding? I don't even know what they are I just feel like they’re bad and I want to hide them.  I feel like hell think less of me or idk just get disappointed over time.

Im definitely projecting issues from my last relationship. Im keeping them to myself as much as I can but fuck its kinda hard? rowan was also super infatuated with me and thought I was great and amazing and supportive and look how we ended up. I love the high-rise but im worried I won't be able to keep living up to it. So the hard part now is just

do I continue playing god?

or do I let someone see that I’m human

ok im not ending on that cliche fucking note so uh. ill probably keep playing god because I still can't feel anything. I feel to a small degree but its just so buried I don't even know what to do anymore. Maybe ill just die lol

[peacekash]

I think this is a spritual breakthrough?

or Im finally coming to reality of me.

Having mommy and daddy issues is one thing but realizing you have to let it go sucks.

lol im not giving much context bc noone is listening and its fucking tumblr...but hey, why not 🤷🏽‍♀️just a lil

today felt different for me. it is usual for me to go through highs and lows within my close relationships,especially recently since I was in “da clink” 😂( im sorry i cant take myself serious) but ultimately inpatient (on my fucking birthday! but that is another story for another day) my relationships with ppl have been shaky,my already pretty low self esteem hit a whole another level of low low, and I, for the first time felt a genuine depressive slump... like not taking showers, not sleeping, not having the energy to speak,etc. I’ve been super anxious most of my life (even before i knew what that meant) so I was use to being sad but only on the inside bc ppl were gonna think i was crazy,crazy angry outburst all of dat.So this type of illness was new to me. that im trying to cope with and treat carefully.

today, my mom was in a good mood.well she’s been like this for a weeks but i know its not gonna last. it never does. I use to feed into her happiness streak and depend on her for my happy and ultimately sadness, and blame myself. And recently I’ve been doing my own thing and not really feed into any of her moods and she ended up adapting to this distance but mutual vibe for each other, which sucks bc me and my mom were so close.but in these Quarantine times and having to spend more time together, I have been cooking, doing more around the house, and helping her and ultimately being her vent person, but this time im not taking it personal. idk if im been going to my therapist too much or im actually learning, how to think for myself and honestly it feels different and for months Ive been keeping more to myself not hiding anything but fixing and venting on my own. Anyways back to today, being woken up at 10am on a saturday by your mom asking you to go the store with her is a feeling everybody knows, you dont wanna go but go and you’re going to help your mom bc you love your mom. And i know going to walmart in these times when its honestly chaos and very triggering for an anxiety riddled person like myself,but here we are driving to walmart. I love when she’s happy if though i didnt want to go, i still wanted to help. now my mom does things where she a) complains about how i “make her feel like she needs to rush bc of my attitude” that i dont have b) and leaves me with the buggy with 500 items in it having to chase across this busy store, I can only say im sorry and oh my fault so many times! it weirdly small and unnessscary things to be annoyed by this but im been feeling and thinking deep lately and it bothered me even more than when i was little kid (and i use to get hot !!) but now im a “composed” “functional” adult and now i see this as another example of her not being concerned about anyone but herself,especially the ppl who care about her the most and today I didnt snap but I was stern when i told to her to “stop having me chase you around the store,please?” Now you must think im a drag to be around (i might be)but around her i try to be my very best and im always invested in what ever she’s interested that day. it got to be weird once we we’re driving home and i was cooking dinner. My mom said something that sounds like what i exclaimed to my very gracious boyfriend who puts up with me ❤️, when im feeling low. “... I feel like noone cares that im overwhelmed *about her new business venture*and this is why i feel discouraged “. then I say “ remember what we talked about taking one thing at a ti-“ “we’re in the house the whole my business should be up and running, im slacking... noone wants to help me” and i instantly felt a tight gut feeling from hearing the similarities of our toxic self bantering and even more sadly how she handles it. noone wants to help but you dont ask (but oh she shouldnt have to ask🙄) or when ppl do help (like me, im currently making website and trying to do all her social media managing) you slight them don’t appreciate them. apparently noone is helping her so she has to hire someone? I asked her for what? what else do you need help with” “my social media” i look at her confused bc that what i was suppose to do but she told she got it, and when she’s introuble im there to help. then after she let out her toxic semi hateful speech without any interrupted, it’s like she empty herself out on me to asorb and then mood switches to happy and joyful again. I did my usual cordial walk downstairs to my space, not to fast so you dont seem upset about anything she said but “she knows whats best” thinks even for herself,but hey who am I to judge.

my relevation: doing my rountine facetime calls with my long distance lover ❤️,casually describing my day, I feel a tight gut feeling when (and see I knew i was down today but idk what for) i starting talking about how my mom was acting and what she said and I made the connection. I get the unbearable self doubt and pressuring idealogy from her. I made it journey to not end up like her or in her position in life (not saying she is a terrible but she is the most confident beautiful black women who is caring and thoughtful. she is just unpredictable) I started to wonder if I am perceived this way to my close ppl? but instead of cursing ppl out and being angry I just cry myself to sleep? ... them my tears im my eyes started to well up, which pissed me off bc im tired of crying gurl 🙄😂. bc I realized how I was happy or comfortable at all today, with my mom. she is my closest person to me,she knew everything about me and i was her only true friend who listened and care about everything she said or do when things that really hurt me. i felt this strain in our relationship was my fault... bc that’s what i was told in inpatient and even in therapy by her. no matter what anyone said or prove to me, I was gonna fold my emotions on her, but it is. we are healthy for each other anymore and as much as i want to make it better, I know i cant be under her anymore, i cant be at her beck and call, it all made sense to me. but what made me really sad, is that she doesn’t even realize she hurt self, by cutting off her friends or anyone who wanted to help and got too close, she thinks she always knows what best for herself and everyone around, when the smoke clears and she realizes she by herself and as much as i dont want to leave her to be alone and feel like she has noone, I will never be myself. I feel like i am my own person. but why do i feel so shitty?

ahh fuck it’s 3 am

#depressing #depressing rant #Major depressive disorder #mental ill health #dramatic

[storiesby-rahmankhan]

Miles (Unfinished)

So I had started writing a story a while ago, it’s not finished and it won’t ever be finished. To be fair, it’s too hard for me to finish because it’s based on a true story and about someone I know. So I can’t really find a fitting ending, I can’t fill in the gaps and I can’t just write it any more. So here it is, in it’s unfinished glory. There are some notes on what would have gone in the gaps, but nothing too detailed.

It’s not much, but I haven’t put up my writing in a long time.

Miles.

A Story by Rahman Khan

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

This is the story of how two souls are connected despite the fact they are thousands of miles apart from each other.  People tend to make fun out of the fact that someone can develop feelings for someone else over the internet. Making jokes that the other person is just a fat man living in his parent’s basement looking for some young to have his way with.

What most people don’t realise is that they’ll make fun of something they have never had the pleasure of experiencing themselves.

I am one of the two souls. Through some sort of strange twist of fate and irony the one place that two souls seems to have connected was on the internet.

I’ve always liked the idea of friends. It just so happened that I hated my friends.

Growing up, I had very few friends. My best friend was murdered. My girlfriend killed herself. I never really got close to anyone after that, I just didn’t want to get hurt from all the pain. Friends for me…were people who I just had acquaintances with, nothing too personal, just keeping it casual, meet for a drink, or just talk online when we’re bored. Nothing too stressful.

I didn’t really have much of a family either. The only time I see or talk to my family is when we have dinner. My father’s disappointment in me, my mother’s lack of respect pushed me away.

It was through all this that I lost myself to my own depression; I fell into a void of unhappiness and dug a hole for myself. For years I stayed to myself, the two people I had cared about died; my best friend was murdered and my girlfriend died in a car crash. I tried my best to compensate from my sins, but I couldn’t help but realise that I just hate myself for everything that I’ve done, I can’t forgive myself for those things. I shut myself away from the world, I stayed in my room and only left to go to my lessons at school and then again at university, I could hardly make any friends. I was introverted and I didn’t want to change in the danger of actually hurting someone else. So I stayed to myself. But it’s not like I didn’t make friends, I had people I would talk to in the school and university; people to pass time with, but outside of those places, I was alone.

My time at university wasn’t the typical UK university experience. I never had a Freshers Week, I never had those late nights with roommates, late night cramming sessions and hung over mornings. I was alone in my room, watching movies, downloading TV shows, doing my work, hitting those dead lines early; the boring student.

My life has always been secluded. But not to the point where I’d be Boo Radley and not interact with anyone or anything; I went to school, university, all that, I made friends and went to parties. But something was missing; maybe it was love, maybe it was a family member I never had, maybe it was just having an actual friend that I could talk to.

I always had trouble talking to anyone on a more open level. I never explained my sadness, never explained why I was angry, or just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I’m not sure what it was, I just felt like there was no one around me in this city that I could feel connected to. My days were spent listening to music alone in my room, I would listen to all kinds of music from all sorts of artists; Japanese artists like The GazettE, Dir en Grey, High and Mighty Color; I only knew a handful of Japanese, but something about the voices in these songs managed to calm me down at times when I needed them. They represented a life I could never have, somewhere far away on the other side of the world, far from my family, far from whatever the people I hang around with are, far from my past. French rap managed to capture my soul in a way I could never explain in words to anyone; the beats, the bass, the artists rapping away, it felt…surreal to know that this music connects me to them. Bands like Explosions in the Sky, Sigur Ros, Mogwai…their unique way to portray music managed to express feeling I could never express. I don’t know, music is just a way for people to escape their own troubles; lyrics guide us on a path to a sense of strange enlightenment.

One Sunday morning, I decided that I was going to leave the house and just for a walk around the city. I take a long, warm shower, I rest my arms against the cold marble walls; the feeling of the cool, tingling marble battled the feeling of warm water falling from the showerhead onto my skin. Music runs through my head. I usually think of nothing in the shower, there’s nothing really to think about, is there? Most of the time you just jump in, clean yourself, jump out. Simple. Why complicate something so simple. I think it’s why I love taking a shower; it’s one of those cocoons that I can crawl into and think of absolutely nothing. My life doesn’t matter in there; all I need to concentrate on is getting every nook and cranny and being as clean as possible.

I decide I want to take the train and go somewhere where I know I won’t run into anyone. I take the underground into the city and head to the park; most of my friends live on the far edges of the city, so I know I won’t see them. I don’t want to see them. I just want to be able to walk around a huge, open space and know that I’m alive. I want the cold air to hit my face, make the blood rush to my cheeks, brightening them up red. In winter, my nose always lights up like Rudolf, you can always tell I’m cold if my nose is bright red once I’m inside. But I love the winter. I love everything about it. I love the first touch of snow to the ground, it’s softer than a leaf falling in autumn, I love watching grey clouds cover the blue sky, hiding away the beauty. It reminds that something if something so sinister can hide something so beautiful, then there must be some kind of hope. Something waiting beyond all the mess and the pain.

Eventually, I manage to get to the park, and it’s empty. There’s no one around as far as my eyes can see. Snow fell the night before and it’s been blanketed across the fields. There are no footsteps, no car tracks; leaves have fallen softly onto the ground. I step into a virgin patch of snow; it feel comforting to know I’m leaving a mark on this world, even it’s temporary, I’ll know I’m the reason it’s there.

I take out my camera and I begin to take pictures. I only just bought this a few months ago and decided to start using it. I’ve always been interested in photography.  I’ve gone through shit in my life that I’ll never talk about, seen stuff I’ll never describe, done things I wish I hadn’t, I don’t talk about my problems, I never will. But when I’m behind that viewfinder, with nothing but what’s in front of me, the sounds of the world around me, or sometimes the tunes of my headphones, I’m no longer part of the world that makes me what to kill myself, no longer part of the world that makes me regret waking up in the morning, I feel different, I’m free. I feel the safest I have ever felt behind that viewfinder, because I’m surrounded by the edges of what I see, not what’s behind me, or to the side, just what’s ahead. It doesn’t matter if the picture doesn’t come out good, or if it’s blurred or over exposed, just the fact that I can sit there, safely and snap away…liberates me in a way in more ways than I can describe.

Photography is my way out of my shitty world and allows me to remember that maybe there is a God, and that there is a world out there, even if my hate blinds me from it sometimes. I don’t think I’ll understand the power of this new art form, but I know I love it.

One day, I found a website; I started a blog and started to share my photography. I wanted to post everything I snap away and just put it out there for people to see. I wanted to let people know if even if they’re feeling like a piece of shit, even if they’re feeling like they want to die, there’s always going to be something out there for them. I thought maybe my photography can help them realise that there is more to life than just waiting around for something to take us away. I don’t know, for the first time in my life, I felt like I had a purpose. But I still felt like I was missing something.

>> BLOGGING <<

It just so happened, one day through this blog, someone messaged me. I checked out her page and she seemed like a cool person, so I started to follow her. We indirectly spoke through our blogs, reblogging stuff liked from each other, liking and commenting on posts. This eventually led to us adding eachother on an instant messenger and we instantly became friends.

Her: Hi!

Me: Hey hey

Her: How are u?

Me: I’m doing good, how are you?

Her: im fine (:

…

We had those awkward silences that aren’t really silences since it’s online, but you knew If this was a conversation in person it’d just be way too awkward to continue.

Her: So what u upto?

Me: Oh, sorry, nothing much, I was playing a game

Her: wat game?

Me: Some zombie game, haha, I felt like shooting some shit up.

Her: I used to play by Nintendo all the time. did u ever play Zelda?

Me: FUCK YES. That was the shit

Her: OMG I KNO RIGHT

Me: I was a Street Fighter kid too

Her: AKUMA!

Me: RYU!

Her: Haha OMG did u ever play cloud?

Me: Cloud? Do you mean Final Fantasy 7? Lol

Her: LOOOL did I just say cloud?

Her: YES! FINAL FANTASY

Me: I’m pretty sure I want to marry you now.

We hit it off instantly. She was perfect. We had so much in common it was uncanny. We loved and played the same games as kids. We both watched the same TV shows. We both had the same interests in fashion. We loved the same movies and had an undying love for classical Hollywood. She was perfect. Despite the fact she lived half way around the world.

We would talk for hours on end on endless shit no one probably would give a crap about; but it was our friendship, this was us.

Her: <3 ive missed you.

Me: not as much as I have, I kept thinking about you all day! haha

Her: how was ur day?

Me: it was alright, i had to do the shopping, driving is a pain when it rains over here o.O

Her: aw, u hate driving?

Me: Ehh, its ok. i dont see the whole excitement about it…its like youre driving a large go-kart that can kill you.

Her: LOL

Her: i like driving, but not in the city. I like driving out by the country

Me:  I’ve never been outside of the city for more than a few hours. I’ve always been the passenger on trips.

Her: u need to try it and just drive

Me: Maybe.

It doesn’t seem like much, but every conversation we have just means something. It gives me the snippets of her life that I couldn’t see in the people I met in person. She learnt more about me than anyone else I knew in person. She had a special place in my heart, even though I never knew her in person. My loneliness disappeared whenever I got the chance to speak to her.

Whenever I took a walk, read a book, listened to music, watched a movie, I always imagined she’d be doing the same. Whenever I would picture Her in my mind, she’d be alone for some reason, with no one around her. A sense of loneliness always befell her in my cruel mind. A sense of loneliness only I could repair. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to be the one to call her on the phone, or to send her a text message to brighten her day. Knowing I wasn’t there to be with her in person hurt me to the point where I’d just feel sad, as if I’ve lost a friend I’ve grown up with. It’s embarrassing to even admit that to friends, it’d be weird for me to tell them I’m close to a girl I’ve met online. Most of the time it’s ridiculed that you can’t even make friends in person, so you need to retreat behind a screen. Which really isn’t the case, I have friends in person; people I hang out with on a daily basis. But it’s with Her that I managed to actually connect to someone on a level beyond the “How’s u?” “Fine” “…” and then nothing. With Her, I felt like I was a real person, with interests that not only excited me, but her as well.  

One night, I have dinner with a friend, she goes on and on about her mundane life, how she’s stressing over an exam, or how she’s scared of looking for a job, that her cat needs surgery. In the back of my head, I’m just thinking “what is She doing? It must be like 12pm there, she’s probably just getting up right now, brushing her teeth, maybe having breakfast, getting ready to go to her lessons…” It was unhealthy how my thoughts of this one girl I’ve never met, and probably will never meet clouded my mind.

Me: Hey

Her: hi!

Me: wassup?

Her: nm

This was the first time she didn’t really talk.

Me: Are you ok?

Her: im fine

Me: Are you sure?

Her: yep

Me: No you’re not.

Her: How do you know?

Me: Because you’re not talking away like a soap opera

Her: LOL

Me: What’s wrong?

Her: I’m just stressed. I’ve got too much going on right now

Me: Do you want to talk about tit?

Me: NOT TIT. IT*

Her: LOLOLOL

Me: …yeah, so wanna talk?

Her:  Well..

We spoke for hours on her life. How she is stressed at her university, how life at home is hectic, how stuff with her boyfriend isn’t going so well; I knew she was in pain, and it ached me in a way that I’ve never felt before when I knew I could do nothing but type away things that I hoped would help her. I just wanted to jump through the screen and hold her, I wanted to be her best friend. In the back of my head, for one reason or another, she felt like the one thing that was missing in my life, maybe she was the 1 in 6 billion, maybe she was the perfect girl for me. But I had no chance; all I could do was to be there for her right now.

Whenever she spoke about her boyfriend, I felt jealous, and I felt angry that he wasn’t treating her right. I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be the one she loved.

I told her to get some sleep. I had stayed up all night with her; it was around 11pm for her, and morning for me, I told her to try to sleep and I’ll talk to her the next day.

Her: thank you <3

Me: It’s alright.

Her: Can I tell you something?

Me: You can tell me anything.

Her: I’m glad i met you, im glad we’re friends. you’ve brought this positive energy into my life that i needed and im glad its you. Thank you so much

That morning, I didn’t sleep, I just stayed up, hoping she was OK.

>>> GIRLS STORY HERE <<<

My life outside of my internet life was seemingly normal. I was still dealing with my past.

I graduated university with a typical 2:1 degree, I was then thrown out into the grown up world. A world no one warned me about. A world where I had no preparation, and wasn’t ready to face. I was just another 20 year old something with a CV who didn’t know what he wanted to be. Originality was scarce. I felt like I just wanted to tell someone I was scared. I wanted tell someone I wasn’t ready for all this responsibility and that I just wanted to keep living young. I never knew getting pushed out onto your own two feet was going to be this hard. People said shit won’t be easy, but they never told me it’d be this hard. I told a couple of my friends, but they seemed busy with their own problems, so I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

I managed to get a job, I started working 40 hour weeks, updating my blog seemed like a chore, but I still did it, after getting over 1,000 followers, you seem to feel like you have some sort of obligation to keep posting, since so many people want to see what you do. I refrained from answering anymore messages and only really kept in contact with people I seemed to have spoken to before. I even had a girlfriend. Somehow, using the internet and talking to Her; helped me get out of this unsociable shell I was in, and it felt good. It felt good knowing I wasn’t entirely alone in the world.

But this girlfriend of mine, every time I saw her, all I could think of is you’re not her. She wasn’t her her. I wanted her. The perfect girl. Sure, she had imperfections and sure she had her problems, but that’s what made her who she is. I wanted to be a part of that and I wanted to be in her life. I had never met this girl in my life and I fell in love with who is she and I wanted her.

And then one day…nothing. I never heard from her again. Her blog page was gone, she never came back online, we never spoke again. It was as if she disappeared into thin air, or maybe that she never existed.

It felt like a stab in something that I had never felt before, knowing that befriending someone I never met could affect me in such a way was an eye opener for me. Human loneliness can stretch for miles and connect with someone so far away, that the only way to keep them close is to hold them in your heart. But it hurts that much more when you find out they never did the same for you. But she left something. There’s something inside of me now, ever since I met her; she put a fire inside of me. She’s put that little ounce of hope that I never knew existed inside of me.

I had written her a letter in my journal, something I want to give her but now I can’t. Words I’ve wanted to say to her but too afraid to. I wanted to tell her she made me happier than what I thought was possible. That I want to be in her life and that I considered her my best friend and that even though we had never met, I still miss her more than anyone. I told her that I would never leave her and in a way, I haven’t. I just hope she never forgets that.