#litcherally nobody asked And Yet... i post my thoughtse anyway >:)

[mickmundy]

long post of me Thinking Aloud about the way i ship bushmedicine and how i personally write them in my fic series, which you can read here.

lots under the cut!

i have a really specific kind of story i’m trying to tell.. i think you’re supposed to not only relate to sniper, but also be frustrated by him too! like "augghh why cant he just let himself have a little love!!" ykwim…!! its supposed to feel sweet but also melancholy… 

medic is being delicate with sniper not because he’s smothering himself (because that goes against his own “code”), but he’s coming to terms with the fact that he Wants to be sensitive to the needs of someone else, even when it’s complex and not something he knows how to do right away. he's fine with (eager to, in fact) putting time into learning sniper. it's fun for him, surprisingly!

i think both medic and sniper are people who are frequently wrapped up in other aspects of their lives (professions, hobbies) that finding A Partner in the midst of that is either something that he doesn’t feel like he deserves (sniper) or is something he swore he never wanted (medic). 

medic is a healer. he’s a healer because that’s what he wants to be (although he prefers to do the Hurting! hehe) and not because anyone told him he should be or because he had some Higher Calling To Help The Sick. he operates on the basis of “i do not walk to the world, the world walks to Me” (imo this suits healers more than the stupid “healslut” trope lol but anyway). he knows his worth and has no problem asserting his place in the world, taking up space that is his right to take up!

sniper on the other hand, isn’t meek or even shy, really, but is always warpped up on having to “earn” everything. has to earn putting creamer in his coffee has to earn a long shower etc, it’s how he was raised. in my fics i talk about his struggle with feelings (“y’know who’s got a lot of feelin’s” <- uhhh. you!) and how he feels them and if he has the “right” to feel what he does.

so when medic says/hints to sniper “you are alive becuase i wanted you to be. i WILLED it because i WANTED it”, sniper absolutely does NOT know how to deal with someone feeling so intensely about him or his life in general, especially not someone who he didn’t really.. know. this calls into question his feelings of Worthiness and what, or why, medic is doing, being so sweet on him anyway! he didn’t do anything to Deserve It!

but to medic, sniper doesn’t Need to do anything To deserve it. it was mutually beneficial for him to do at the time (to prove he could and to revive his teammate); the revival was the catalyst that brought them together, but not the thing that makes them fall in love. they do that all on their own, much to their mutual surprise. it’s not Fate, its not Soul Mates, it’s just… them. together. in sync, understanding one another and finding peace within each other.

in another vein, i think silent envy is a characteristic for sniper that is easily applicable to his character. not that he’d take it out on the subject of his jealousy, but it adds onto this Complex Melancholy that hangs over him like a sad little raincloud…. 

medic feels freely and does whatever he wants whenever he wants and he’ll be polite and be nice to others of course, he also doesn’t feel like he should change any part of himself for others. Sniper’s envious of this, wishes he could just feel things and move on immediately and not be constantly feeling like he has to do things to please others (his parents… or what he himself Thinks he wants).

both of them have lived In Their Ways their entire lives and these ways have been what has kept them alive, so both of them see it as “well if it’s not broke don’t fix it”, but when they start having these Feelings for each other they realize no, it’s not Broken, but what’s wrong with a little fine-tuning? a little give and take. push and pull.

these kinds of things can be very hard for medic and sniper specifically bc i don’t think either of them are quick to hand out apologies or admit when they’re wrong (sniper is a sore loser and medic just does everything with Conviction so he usually genuinely doesn’t ever think he’s wrong), and grappling with not only the Desire to change, but to do so because you care about the person you have feelings for, not out of professional necessity or because something about you is Fucked Up. some change IS good and can make you a better person for it, too!

i also use food as a metaphor for hunger. hunger as in, romantic, sexual. drive and desire like a base need, like instinct, something within our blood and our biology that says ‘i need this. if i don’t get this, i don’t know what i’ll do.’ feeling that Pull for a person for the first time... knowing that hunger and nurturing it, not feeling ashamed for your desire or your Instinct to feel those feelings. Feeling them because they’re a part of you and, when you let yourself, you Love that part of you.

speaking about Overindulgence like it’s a fear; “be careful! if you feel those feelings too much, that’s Bad!” the fear of Being Bad to the point where you’ve done your damndest to wall off Feeling Feelings at all because you can’t imagine anything worse than being “bad”…. or being Unprofessional. :-) Unbecoming. some kind of Faceless Beast that your loved ones always cautioned against. and now look at you! you’re mad with love and you hate it. but you don’t want to hate it. you want to feel your feelings and revel in them, crush your jaws around the person that’s giving you those feelings and feeding that hunger, want to keep them there so that they’ll never leave. it’s scary to think about how badly you want it, isn’t it? best to not think about that plover bird that sits in your jaws it all, then, isn’t it, hungry crocodile? 

to me, the apricot is the perfect fruit for sniper in this metaphor. obviously “the apricot” inside of the body where sniper’s aim for is a super cute reference that i think medic also gets a kick out of (morbid humor that ties them together in a more flirty chemistry kind of way). the apricot is a stone fruit, soft on the outside but hard at its core. easily bruised despite its hardness. i think sniper sees himself as something similar, but is actually the opposite. i think he’s hard around the edges, tough, but inside he’s quite sensitive, and he resents that sensitivity and softness.

in my writing, the apricot serves as a symbol of his profession (the spot sniper’s aim for where the head connects to the neck) And as the person he truly thinks he is. he’s convinced he’s bitter and hard at his core, which wouldn’t be such a bad thing to be if it was what he really was. but no, he’s soft, actually, and in the hands of someone who won’t bruise you, being such isn’t really so bad. maybe it’s a good thing, even. something to be cherished, instead of a flaw, like he’d been told all his life that softness was.

the readers haven’t gotten to medic’s fruit yet! :-) but i’m excited to elaborate more on it when i post the rest of my fics. there’s no sense in talking too far in advance before i’ve even published the fics i’m talking about, hehe! but medic’s perspective and take on all of this will become more prominent soon, so >:) stay tuned!! HEHEHE

#i want to talk about SOOO MUCH MORE but im trying to keep things vague in purpose AKSDFKASDKF #litcherally nobody asked And Yet... i post my thoughtse anyway >:) #bushmedicine #thou giveth fever #dutchiehcs #dutchfoolery #medsnip