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pfenniged · 4 years

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3, 7, 9, 15, 18

booknet ask game (Apologies for the delay!):

3. what was the last book you rated 1/5?

Probably this horrific and justifiably priced 0.25 cent paperback I got from the library book sale. I care so little about the title I’m not even going to bother getting up to look at it, but basically it was somehow involving a mystery on a liner heading to New York, and The Kennedys circa 1941 when Joe (’God what a terrible person’) Kennedy was ambassador to England (And casual Nazi supporter/isolationist, lovely).

But the book promises you that it will mostly talk about Rosemary Kennedy as a character. Which I liked, because in case you don’t know, Rosemary Kennedy was JFK’s sister who was considered the ‘prettiest’ of all the Kennedy girls, but also constantly was on a diet because she ‘put on weight easily’ (Poor girl), and because she was seen as ‘simple.’ Supposedly when she was in her early twenties, she had the mental capacities or a naive thirteen year old/ writing level of an eight year old. They kept basically shoving her into boarding schools to try to push her forward in terms of education, but obviously when she most likely had something like a severe case of autism, there weren’t exactly many programs that directly addressed those who were learning disabled, and being a Kennedy, they most likely were like PUSH HER THROUGH IT AND SHE’LL BE FINE (Great, thanks guys).

All this being said, there is proof in terms of letters that basically everyone was afraid, because once she became a teenager, she started running away from these schools or sneaking out late at night, and they were literally worried because of how ‘naive’ she was, that she’d end up getting pregnant by some weirdo guy forcing himself on her/ convincing her to have sex. What most normal people/historians think now, is that she saw her brother being John F. Kennedy, El Primo Playboy of the World 1941, dating movie stars and having a buttload of friends (As my older brother used to say), and she obviously wanted to be involved in this glamorous, fun life with the rest of her family, rather than shoved away at some crappy boarding school with nuns the age of time immemorial (Understandable). (Also, for what it’s worth, JFK basically WAS a great older brother, for what I’ve heard, and wanted his parents to loosen up on her. He involved her in his social groups if she was around and never pushed her into anything that someone with her ‘limitations’ might be hurt by).

So of course the natural thing would be to do is to give her a lobotomy so she doesn’t run away, and of course, it had some horrific side effects and basically killed her personality entirely from all accounts, making her basically a human vegetable with only a shadow of the person she’d been before. After that Joe ‘I’m the Worst’ Kennedy carted his daughter off, and debatably, depending on who you ask, she was basically ignored by most of the family for 60+ years of her living in a care home, or embraced in private (The Kennedy message/propaganda/nice try guys). There’s really only consistent public photos of Ted Kennedy visiting her, because besides the whole ‘I accidentally murdered a woman I was having an affair with’ thing, Ted was the baby and seemed actually like ironically the most ‘Christian’ in the most broadest sense of the word besides Bobby Kennedy (Yes, I know they’re Catholic, it’s an analogy).

So bringing this back to this awful book, the ‘mystery’ on the cruise liner shit basically seemingly revolves around Rosemary pre-lobotomy and how she wants to get married to a ‘coloured jazz man.’ BUT THIS NEVER FACTORS INTO THE PLOT. NONE OF THE HISTORICAL FIGURES ABOARD DO EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE ‘POV’ CHAPTERS ASIDE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS.

You heard me right. xD I KNOW IT’S THE 1940S IN THE BOOKS AND THERE’S FAR WORSE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN DONE AND THE JAZZ MAN IS NICE AND ALL BUT DAMN IT’S SORT OF THE WORST, BECAUSE THEY BASICALLY MAKE THIS THE ENTIRE REASON FOR HER LOBOTOMY AND WHILE THEORETICALLY IT WOULD FIT IN WITH JOE’S MOTIVATIONS HISTORICALLY, IT JUST CAME OFF AS SUPER SKEEZY AND UGH. Mostly the book A) Actually did a considerable job giving Rosemary a sweet and loving personality that you like, but considering what you know if you’re probably reading this book and how they’re just dropping bread crumbs the entire way through, it’s just incredibly morbid and bleh.

If you’re going to write historical characters and fiction well, at least have something more to back it up than ‘Racism was more (outwardly) prevalent back then so she was going to be in an interracial relationship so lobotomy.” It just came off as conflating two important issues (The rights of the learning disabled to date and have families of their own, and interracial romances versus status in society), and just came out to justify it for a lobotomy we never even see. (Trust me, I’m making it sound far more interesting than it is).

Plus the mystery on the liner is the main aspect of the story, and I think that’s what makes it the worst: This author just chose to have these random historical figures on BECAUSE, and considering Rosemary’s background and what we know happened to her, it just seemed like a pretty desperate ploy to reel people in (like myself), and have them go, “Wait, this is just a sub-par mystery book, not a historical mystery book: She used that whole actual living person who existed and who was screwed over by her own family as ‘shock value’ and a ‘hook’ for the audience.” Double EW.

7. what was the last book that made you cry?

Indian Horse by Richard Wagamese, who is unfortunately no longer with us but a BEACON of Canadian Literature, and I'm SO sad he didn’t get to write more books, because his writing style is BEAUTIFUL and poetic.

“Saul Indian Horse is an alcoholic Ojibway man who finds himself the reluctant resident of an alcohol treatment centre after his latest binge. To come to peace with himself, he must tell his story. Richard Wagamese takes readers on the often difficult journey through Saul's life, from his painful forced separation from his family and land when he's sent to a residential school to the brief salvation he finds in playing hockey. The novel is an unflinching portrayal of the harsh reality of life in 1960s Canada, where racism reigns and Saul's spirit is destroyed by the alienating effects of cultural displacement.”

What you also don’t get about the book from this review, is the role hockey plays as being central to the narrative. In that moment, and when Saul is young, inside his own head, he is just what we as the reader see him as: A young boy who loves a sport and finds it freeing. A PERSON. A kid who loves hockey.

He’s so good that he has a chance to make it to the NHL. He’s good enough to play on the ‘white teams,’ but when he starts beating white players, grown men and women throw things at him, like plastic ‘Indians’ from a ‘Cowboy and Indian’ set.

He is a skilled player. He has raw talent. But to make it to the next level, and because they won’t let him be on the team in any other role, because a Native man can’t become a skilled star in 1960s Canada, he has to become a ‘goon.’ There’s actually a moment in the book where he snaps, and it’s so well written and heartbreaking, where it’s like this Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde dynamic inside of him, where he literally just goes, “Okay? You want me to be a bloodthirsty ‘Indian’? Then I’ll be that for you.”

There’s also a movie I haven’t had the guts to watch all the way through, because I tried watching it on a plane ride from Australia to Canada without actually having read the book first, and having no idea what the movie was about aside from hockey and Indigenous culture, and Jesus Christ IT KILLED ME. I’m terrible at flying, had been throwing up and thoroughly miserable for about three hours at that point on the plane, tried to turn on a movie to distract myself, and within ten minutes, I was like “No, I think sticking to the vomiting is justified.” (To give you an idea of the directing style, it’s bizarrely produced by uber-Republican yet ‘weirdly-obsessed with Indigenous people’ movie star Clint Eastwood. If you’ve seen his other films and how sparse and depressing they can be, you can only IMAGINE what this material lends itself to. So I’d really stick to reading the book first. Because Wagamese’s voice is so much stronger within the book, and the pain and horror poor Saul is exposed to serves a purpose within the larger narrative much more clearly, and even when he is an alcoholic, he still is able to find hope within himself and returning to his people, and that’s a beautiful thing that I think was lost in the portions of the film I was able to catch.) Check it out: It was only written in 2012, but it’s already being heralded as a ‘classic’ in Canadian Indigenous Literature.

9. do you actually check out books that have been recommended for you?

I do. I might not actually READ them, but I’ll at least check out a snippet on Amazon to see if it’s my cup of tea. So if anyone has any recommendations, go right on ahead <3

15. how do you feel about reading buddies?

I would love a reading buddy! <3 Feel free to message me if you’re keen. <3

18. what was your favourite book when you were 10?

Probably something by Roald Dahl or The Hobbit, if we’re talking sheer escapism or enjoyment (Or the original run of Harry Potter). My Dad is an English teacher, so I was always reading older books than were probably age-appropriate (I was placed at a college-reading level at twelve on an assessment test), so other than that, a lot of classic literature: Just name it, I’ve probably read it.

I also was a nerd who decided to read the entire dictionary back to front somewhere around this time and copy down all the words I actually didn’t know on a list, so that was a hobby. xD I guess I could count that as a ‘favourite book.’ (-Insert Homer Simpson “NEEeeeRRRddddd” gif here-).

#asteriah #sorry this took too long bb! <3 #answers #personal #literature

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ladyloveandjustice · 6 years

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Mom and I listened to Chernow’s biography of Hamilton before seeing the play and I want to write down some of my favorite hot facts that were basically “WHAT A SOAP OPERA ALL THESE GUYS ARE SO FUCKING PETTY” dont try to nitpick for accuracy on these they’re heavily paraphrased take them with a grain of salt i’m just writing this so i can remember the basics

-I think actually maybe the most hilarious and admittedly brave thing Hamilton did was very early on, a bunch of revolutionary guys came to lynch his prof from Kings College for being a loyalist. Even though they weren’t on the same side, Hamilton was there for his prof, so he actually BLOCKED THIS ANGRY MOB at the staircase and LECTURED them to give his prof time to escape. He was like “blablabla U GUYS R HURTING THE CAUSE >:(” and somehow they didn’t all kill him and he successfully delayed them. Amazing.

-Hamiltons mom was AN EXTREME BADASS, basically her mother sold her off to marry this mean guy and she HATED HIM and he hated her for not being submissive enough and she was like “screw you” and just..left. So he threw her in prison for adultery! like literally prison! and it was prison that wasn’t even used for anything else she was the only one in the prison. He thought this would finally make her submissive but instead she basically skipped town the second she was let out and NEVER CAME BACK. So she was still married to this dude the whole time, which is why she couldn’t marry Hamilton’s dad.

(also after Hamilton’s dad left she ran a shop to support her family, which was unusual for a young woman to do back then, but she was independent like whoa)

unfortunately she also had a son with her first husband that she left behind with when she ran away(in her defense, I imagine she didn’t have the means to support him at the time and also would have gotten caught if she went back for him), so her first husband turned her son against her, reminding him all the time that she abandoned him and saying she was evil...so when she died the son basically came in and claimed all of the property she’d left and rendered his orphaned half-brothers homeless.NOT VERY NICE AT ALL.

-James Monroe and two other dudes were actually the ones who confronted Hamilton about possible speculation and he invited them to his house and gave this WHOLE HOUR LONG presentation on his affair, with a bazillion papers and letters as proof. Like about fifteen minutes in, everyone realized they were wrong and were like “okay we’re very sorry for poking our nose into your private matters we believe you we’ll leave you alone” but Hamilton was like “NO I’M NOT DONE YOU HAVEN’T HEARD IT ALL YET” and went through the entire thing in ridic self-flagellating detail while his audience just cringed. Afterwards one of the guys was like “that was one of the most humiliating things i’ve ever witnessed”

-Anyway James Monroe definitely probably leaked the Reynolds documents Hamilton showed him even though he swore not to show them to anyone. YES A FUTURE PRESIDENT WHO COULD NOT BE TRUSTED WE’RE ALL SURPRISED.Hamilton was SO mad about this he wrote to him basically saying “YOU BETTER APOLOGIZE OR MEET ME OUTSIDE” because that was his response to everything. Burr was actually chosen as the mediator for this because he was friendly to both of them at the time and he basically tried to calm them both down and prevent a duel. Monroe had initially said he believed that Hamilton wasn’t embezzling or speculating or whatever, but then he was like “UH I CHANGED MY MIND I’VE DECIDED NOW YOU ARE” which made Hamilton SO mad. Burr actually chastised Monroe about this, basically like “c’mon, we both know Hamilton would never betray his office, I know it, you know it, It’s Hamilton.” Anyway Burr saved Hamilton from dueling James Monroe.

But do you know who ELSE would have probably been fine dueling James Monroe? ELIZA. She was, rightfully, very pissed at him for exposing something that hurt her so much. Monroe did his time as president, and once it was over, he decided he wanted to patch things up with her (Hamilton was long dead by this time ofc, and Eliza was elderly). So he came to her house and Eliza was Not Happy when a servant reported his arrival. Hamilton’s kids remembered “her voice got low like it always does when she’s angry”. She went to see him in their living room and he was all “So, Eliza, a lot has happened and there was fault on both sides”-

and she was basically like “EXCUSE ME??? IS THAT AN APOLOGY? BECAUSE IT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE AN APOLOGY. IF YOU’RE HERE TO ACTUALLY APOLOGIZE I’LL LISTEN TO IT. BUT IF YOU’RE GONNA GIVE ME SOME WEAK “BLAME ON BOTH SIDES” BULLSHIT I’M NOT HERE FOR IT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING BUT YOU SAYING SORRY THAT YOU BETRAYED MY LATE HUSBAND AND RUINED OUR LIVES. IF YOU CAN’T SAY THAT, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE”.

Monroe was flabbergasted, and apparently it was too much for him to give an actual apology, so he just left. So let the record show Eliza schooled an ex-president and kicked him out of her house.

-everything relating to Phillip and Hamilton’s duels was super sad. When he was waiting to hear about the results of Phillip’s duel with the doctor (or someone) Hamilton was so overcome with anxiety he actually fainted. He had to be propped up by two people during the funeral because he was so unsteady. Not only did he fall into his first bout of lethargic depression and actually didn’t write anything for a good while (a big deal for him) he didn’t even answer sympathy notes until four months later (also a big deal for him).

-According the doctor, in his own duel, Hamilton knew it was a mortal wound as soon as he was shot. He collapsed, but came to on the boat and the first thing he said was “GUYS BE CAREFUL OF HANDLING THAT PISTOL IT’S STILL LOADED IT COULD GO OFF I DIDN’T ACTUALLY SHOOT IT BUT PLEASE REMEMBER TO TELL EVERYONE I WAS GOING TO THROW AWAY MY SHOT” He did actually shoot it of course, but he fact he didn’t seem to know this makes it seem more likely he just accidentally squeezed the trigger when he was shot.

- the other thing he kept babbling about was how they should get Eliza but break it to her gradually. in stages. Ease her into it. Which it’s nice you’re considerate of her feelings NOW, wish you’d been considerate enough NOT TO DO THE DUEL.

-anyway the description of his death in the bio was very sad and he said he didn’t hold anything against Burr and was at peace though so i guess that’s nice.

-in contrast Burr was such an ASSHOLE about Hamilton’s death omg

-Before I go into WHAT A GIANT ASS JERK HE IS I will give Burr one credit: he believed strongly women were equal to men, and made sure Theodosia was educated in everything, and even had her taught to shoot from horseback. Like he really wanted to make sure his daughter knew how to kill stuff from a horse. i respect that.

-what I don’t respect is that Hamilton actually has EXTREMELY GOOD REASON to feel he couldn’t be trusted in office- there was this whole drama where after New York had a yellow fever epidemic, Burr started pushing this Manhattan water company that would provide clean water to the public, which would be a huge help with yellow fever. He got Hamilton on board with it. But his real plan was actually to sneak in some last minute provisions to the water company bill that basically turned it from a water company to a bank that could complete with Federalist banks. Not only compete with them, but have less restrictions to them. So he basically tricked Hamilton into pushing through a bill that was designed to undermine his own beloved banks. Hamilton was PRETTY PISSED, and I can’t blame him for that. Not to mention, the water company obviously never happened, and other water companies weren’t set up because everyone thought it would be covered- so when yellow fever came back to new york? No clean water, lots of deaths, some of which could have probably been prevented if Burr hadn’t been a greedy asshole.

-Burr showed some signs of regret immediately after the duel, moving towards Hamilton and wanting to talk to him, but he pretty much treated it pretty callously after that. Actually, he want to have breakfast afterwards, and his cousin came to visit and they chatted and HE ACTED COMPLETELY NORMAL AND NEVER MENTIONED HE’D LITERALLY JUST KILLED THE FORMER SECRETARY OF TREASURY. When Burr’s cousin went into town afterwards someone told him what had happened and cuz was like “nah you gotta be wrong i was just with him and he didn’t mention anything like that at all! He seemed completely normal!” then he saw a newspaper and was like “WHAT THE FUCK.”

-he also happily went around sleeping with tons of ladies after the duel and even wrote to Theodosia saying “I actually recommend doing a duel and courtship at same time it keeps ya invigorated” AND WOW WHAT A SUPER APPROPRIATE THING TO WRITE TO YOUR DAUGHTER. Maybe Theodosia was glad to die at sea after reading that. Anyway, the only sign of regret Burr really showed was “the world was wide enough” quote (which might have been a dark joke, but I think there was a grain of truth in it regardless, like Lin Manuel says, who knows).

-Burr was in incredible debt- (so was Hamilton when he died- Eliza’s inheritance from her dad wasn’t enough to cover it but fortunately all of Hamilton’s friends came together and secretly gave Eliza money to cover it which is nice. Jefferson was in SO much debt when he died his entire estate and 200 slaves were all sold to cover it. yeah he didn’t free anyone besides the slaves who were his children in his will, an asshole to the end.) so he left the country to escape creditors in addition to the murder charges and used a pseudonym.

-Burr also had this weird fucking plan to become emperor of mexico or seize spanish florida or some shit and was plotting it, and he was actually tried for treason because of this! Thomas Jefferson REALLY REALLY wanted Burr to get punished and put all the pressure he could on the Supreme Court to find him guilty and it was test of our constitutional powers- would the supreme court bow down to the president? turns out no, since Burr got off.

-However, he wasn’t unscathed- a SHIT-TON of people close to him died around the time Theodosia died and he was devastated and basically a recluse afterwards (life doesn’t discriminate...) He married a second wife, but she then realized he was fucking terrible with money and was going to drive her into poverty with his shitty land deals (also she was nearly 20 years younger- I wonder if she was counting on him dying and leaving her something and then realized he was going to die and leave her with DEBT instead). So she got- DRUMROLL- ALEXANDER HAMILTON’S SON, ALEX JR, TO DIVORCE THEM. such a asshole move honestly, i gotta respect it, you go girl. Burr might not have been able to tell what was going on though since he was having strokes and stuff. She managed to divorce him JUST IN TIME, on the day of his death.

-honestly i’m most interested in the petty drama of history and how all these people were just behaving like they’re five and fucking up constantly and listening to this biography proved that to me. people are so ridiculous.

#alexander hamilton #history #history is petty and strange

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bevioletskies · 7 years

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20 questions [12/20]

characters: peter/gamora, guardians-centric

fandom: avengers academy/marvel cinematic universe

summary: wasp has a new competition in store for the students of avengers academy, and there’s money involved. so obviously, peter and gamora have to pretend to be a couple in order to win. wait, what?

chapter preview: janet announces two new school-wide events, gamora tries to change her strategy when it comes to dealing with her feelings, and yondu is the captain of this ship, and no, I'm not talking about the eclector.

word count: 5301 | total word count: 118k

a/n: listen, yondu being alive and well in this au of mine might be one of my favourite parts about writing it.

ao3 | previously | next | masterpost

So maybe, just maybe, it was a little narcissistic for Peter to think this way, but it seemed as if the entirety of the Academy was breathing a little easier once he and Gamora had made up, and were successfully faking it again. They held hands wherever they walked (so long as the others weren’t with them - Rocket had taken to making kissing noises whenever they stood a little too close together), kissed whenever they had to part ways for classes, and told stories about their “dates” to anyone who would listen.

Except this time, unlike their “origin story”, as Peter had called it, the “dates” were nearly one hundred percent truth. They talked about the rude SHIELD agent, the date in Shakespeare Park, the musical, the museum - they even mentioned dancing in the hotel room, in which Gamora rolled her eyes in pretend fond annoyance, while Peter winked at their enraptured audience. “Can always count on a romantic song to set the mood,” he had said cheerfully. Hey, if they weren’t going to talk about how that night had ended in private, they could at least play it up in public.

On Friday afternoon, after classes were over and everyone had dispersed out onto the quad, Janet was once again poised to make announcements, this time sitting atop the bulletin board, megaphone in hand. “Attention, Academy students!” she hollered, as if she wasn’t already amplifying her voice enough. “Just a reminder that voting ends in two weeks, so get your ballots in. We need more volunteers for ballot counters, sign-ups are available at Avengers Hall. Also, we have two new super exciting events ready to share with you guys!”

“Now what,” Rocket groaned. “She ain’t gonna break out a confetti gun, is she?”

“Ten units it’ll be a fog machine instead,” Yondu said.

“Deal. Shake on it.”

“As a school of heroes, we’re always working towards saving the day. I mean, that’s our number one goal here, right?” The crowd cheered ecstatically. “But I think there’s one more thing that we can do to close out this school year as a way of giving back - a fundraiser festival!” Janet kicked her legs up and down in excitement. “There’s so much talent at this school that doesn’t always get celebrated the way that our hero-ing skills do. So, you can either sign up to present a talent, or, volunteer to run a booth! There will be a bake sale, a dunk tank, a temporary tattoo artist, and maybe we can get a kissing booth set up?” She winked, causing giggles to ripple through the crowd. Director Fury was shaking his head nearby, arms folded in defiance. This was what he got for running a superhero school full of teens and young adults.

“I am Groot?”

“Kissin’ you’s like kissin’ a baby, Groot. Don’t think anyone here’s running for president anytime soon, ‘cept maybe Cap.”

“I have also finally gotten Director Fury to agree to host a prom this year! Tickets are on sale now at the Avengers Hall, and ticket sales, plus all our fundraising money, will go towards various charities around the world and Damage Control right here in New York.” Janet beamed. “The theme for this year’s prom will be…”

“Ten units it’s Under the Sea.”

“I bet ten it’ll be A Night to Remember.”

“...Masquerade Madness!” Janet squealed. Yondu and Rocket muttered “damn!” under their breaths in sync. “Everyone will be wearing a mask - bonus points if it looks like your actual superhero mask. But don’t actually wear your superhero mask, that’s lazy and I’ll be mad.” The students exchanged dubious looks - they didn’t like Janet when she was angry. “Anyways, that’s all! Thank you, lovelies!”

As the crowd began to disperse, chattering excitedly to their friends about what they were going to do for the fundraiser or who they wanted to go to prom with, Peter stepped closer to Gamora, hands moving to settle on her waist. She shivered at the touch as he bent towards her ear, kissing the side of her head before whispering, “I have an idea. Follow my lead.”

“I would if I knew what your idea was,” she muttered back, though he ignored her in favour of walking around her so he was facing her front. Her eyes widened in alarm as he got down on one knee, arms spread wide.

“Gamora,” he said loudly, and what was that odd not-British accent he was doing? Out of the corner of her eye, she could already see other students forming a circle around them, whispering to each other as they watched their spectacle. Janet had flown over, phone in hand, eyes the size of saucers. Kamala was bouncing up and down nearby, tweeting with reckless abandon and trying not to squeal too loudly. “My incredible, beautiful, deadly, powerful, deadly powerful - ”

“Quill,” she huffed, though she tried and failed to hide her smile behind her hands.

“ - will you go to prom with me?” Peter finished, looking so wonderfully earnest she could feel her grin spreading even wider. It was as if he was really hoping she would say yes, but that there would be a chance she would say no, and really, why would she say no?

“I thought it was a given, considering you’re my boyfriend,” Gamora said, and wow, she did not say that word out loud enough, it felt too foreign on her tongue, “but yes, of course I will.”

A cheer went through the crowd, firmly solidifying Peter’s somewhat arrogant belief that his relationship with Gamora had become a beloved part of the school’s social environment. As he got to his feet, his usual cocky grin on his face, he wondered how else he could possibly play up the moment. Gamora seemed to have the same idea, launching herself in his arms with surprising force, burying her face in his neck. “Smart,” she murmured, breath hot against his ear. “Our classmates will definitely know we have made up by now.” She pulled away, but not before taking both of his hands in hers, squeezing gently.

“And we continue to be the cutest couple in school,” Peter replied softly, smiling. “Let’s go get our tickets.”

“Wait! I have a confetti gun I want to use on you guys! Come back!”

“HA! Pay up, blue boy.”

“Ain’t never betting on nothin’ with you again, rat.”

______

Dinner that night on the Milano was a much more raucous affair than that of the previous three nights, now that Peter was back with his team. Everyone’s spirits were lifted, relieved that their leaders were once again back in a good place. Peter even offered to help Mantis and Drax cook (“You have burned water, Quill, get out”), but instead was relegated to setting the table.

“Man, I missed you guys,” Peter sighed happily. “The whole ‘broody loner’ schtick really doesn’t work for me.”

“I don’t understand none of the crap that came outta your mouth just now,” Yondu said, slapping him on the back. “But we missed you too, boy. Twig got all weepy, it was awful.”

“I am Groot,” he protested, though he jumped up and down, arms outstretched, for Peter to scoop him up.

“I missed you the most,” Peter told him, resulting in a tiny wooden smile so cute that even Nebula, who was otherwise sulking in a corner, had to fight the urge to grin. “But hey, while I was away, I watched a couple movies with songs you might like. I’ll play ‘em for you sometime.” Groot nodded eagerly, patting his small hand against Peter’s cheek before jumping back down again onto the kitchen counter.

“You done cryin’ about your own problems yet?” Rocket entered the room, lugging what looked like a giant detonation device behind him. “Found this mysterious piece of crap dumped outside. Probably Stark’s. Has all the parts we need to get the Milano finally back up and runnin’. This your doing, Quill?”

“No, but he’s been sneaking stuff in for us, as far as I can tell,” Peter replied. “It’s a good thing, right? You don’t have to acknowledge he helped, and we can finally get my baby working again.”

“Your insistence on referring to the Milano as a child is disturbing.” Gamora had walked into the room and swatted Peter’s arm playfully in a surprising display of casual affection, a stoicism in her eyes that didn’t match the gentle smile on her face.

“Not a child, my child.”

“Do you people ever talk about anything of significance?” Nebula’s sigh was almost impressive as Director Fury’s. “Gamora and I have decided to kill the Black Order. We apparently require your assistance.”

“Oh, hell,” Yondu groaned, throwing himself down on the couch. “Can’t we focus on one thing at a time, girl? Got enough on our plate as it is.”

“Your failure to perform well at school has nothing to do with the rest of us,” Nebula shot back. “Try harder.”

“Nebula.” Gamora clicked her tongue at her sister disapprovingly. “Let’s not turn this into a fight for once, okay?”

“That’s hypocritical, considering you and Quill having a lover’s spat nearly made this whole team fall apart in a matter of days.”

“We had a misunderstanding, it’s fine,” Peter said defensively. “Mantis, Drax, is dinner ready yet?”

By the time everyone had finally sat down to eat, Peter was reminded of how exhausting it was to keep up with his ridiculous team of misfits, but damn if he wouldn’t trade them in for all the units in the world (alright, maybe Nebula, but she was slowly growing on him, too. She was important to Gamora, so by extension, she was important to him as well).

“I spoke with Janet earlier today,” Mantis said after a few thankfully silent minutes of everyone stuffing their faces. “She said she didn’t want to give away the current voting results, but that you and Gamora seem to be in second place at the moment.”

“Second? Who’s in front of us?” Peter exclaimed, food nearly spilling out of his mouth as he spoke.

“Captain America and Agent Carter, of course,” Mantis replied with a shrug. “Even students who do not care much about love voted for them because it is a love that spans decades.”

“Gamora and I have literally seen each other almost die, like, ten times each. Isn’t that romantic?” Peter was flailing again, waving his fork around haphazardly. Gamora moved to gently push his hands down before he could knock over everyone’s cups in the process.

“The almost dying isn’t romantic, Quill, the ‘saving each other’s lives’ part? Maybe,” she said dryly, letting her hand linger for an extra moment before moving away.

“We could stage a - ”

“No, no, boy, you are not riskin’ your hide just to win sympathy points from those fools,” Yondu said fiercely, slamming a fist down on the table, causing the dishes to rattle. “You’ve had some stupid ideas in your life, but that might be one of your worst yet.”

Sulking, Peter slumped back in his chair, throwing down his fork in defeat. “We gotta give it one last boost. Two weeks, and voting is over. It doesn’t even matter what we do afterwards, but something’s gotta be done now.”

“What happened to the other categories? You are all acting as if this is the only one that matters,” Nebula said with a smirk. “Have we all become so invested in this lie that we’ve forgotten about winning ‘Best Team’?”

“You technically are not part of the team,” Drax reminded her. “Frankly, I’m unsure if it will ever happen for you.” Nebula sneered in response. Gamora stomped on Drax’s foot from the other side of the table, shooting him a warning glare. He let out a howl of pain.

Mantis’s hands shot out to clasp at both Gamora and Drax’s wrists, quick to subdue them before it could escalate. “Actually, Janet says we will probably win that one,” she said, brightening. “The Avengers fight too much, the Defenders are scary to a lot of the newer students, and the other teams are not as prominent in popularity. Peter is especially recognizable to the general public. There are many girls who like to post on social media about him.” Peter could see Gamora’s nose wrinkle in disapproval, so he reached to gently pat her on the leg under the table, hoping no one else could see.

“Awesome, so that’s fifty thousand units in the bag. No, Drax, there’s no physical bag,” Peter interrupted himself as Drax opened his mouth. “And as much as I want to win Most Attractive Team...because that’s apparently a thing, the Avengers look like freaking models. And we have a raccoon.”

“I’M NOT A - ”

“I am Groot.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, that’s fair.”

“As always, I’ve gained nothing out of this.” Nebula stood to leave with her plate and cutlery, half of her food still left over. Her dramatic exit was ruined by getting stuck behind Drax’s chair on her way out. They all watched in awkward silence as Drax scraped his chair along the metal floor to allow Nebula to side-step with her back against the wall, an increasingly murderous scowl forming on her face.

“We should figure out a plan of attack against the Black Order or she might attempt to leave again,” Gamora muttered to Peter.

“You think we can wait until after the voting’s done?”

After dinner was over, Gamora went to go give Groot a bath (it was usually Drax’s chore, though he’d been protesting against it ever since Groot had been sick that one time and puked on him in the shower), Rocket disappeared to start taking apart the device Stark had “donated”, and Drax followed him to “help” (more like observe and criticize despite knowing nothing about engineering compared to Rocket), leaving Yondu and Peter to take care of the dishes.

“I think I finally figured Nebula out,” Peter said as he dumped a generous amount of dish soap into the sink. “She doesn’t make dramatic exits from dinner because she’s mad or irritated, she does it to get out of dish-washing duty.”

Yondu started opening all the cabinets in search for a clean washcloth. “And y’all say I’m irresponsible.”

“You literally haven’t done homework in like, three months, man,” Peter pointed out. “You’re smarter than this, Yondu.”

“Don’t lecture me about smarts,” Yondu grumbled, finally locating one behind a stack of suspiciously foggy-looking shot glasses. “I know what I’m good for, and it ain’t school.”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t try,” Peter said. He began scraping the food scraps off the plates into their composter. It seemed slightly clogged, but he couldn’t tell if it was because it was a terribly cheap machine or if Rocket had been messing with it for parts.

“I’m done talkin’ about this, but you know what I wanna know more ‘bout? You and Gamora,” Yondu said, straightening up with a smug grin. “What happened? Y’fought for like, five days straight. That’s a record for you two.”

“We both said stuff we regret, no need to share the details,” Peter mumbled. “She might’ve also made it pretty clear she doesn’t actually want to date me, and I guess it just made me kinda sad, but, y’know, I’ll get over it.”

“You asked?” Yondu’s eyes widened. That seemed like an unlikely turn of events. Peter was overconfident at times - well, most of the time - and might’ve overdone it, whatever it was he had done, but Gamora didn’t seem like she would turn him down. She was starting to look just as gooey-eyed around Peter as he did around her. Not that Yondu was paying attention, of course.

“No, but she’s weirdly trying to set me up with girls I barely know,” Peter huffed, throwing the plates into the sink a little more aggressively than he needed to. “You don’t do that with a guy you want to date, therefore, she doesn’t wanna date me.”

“You do if you think it’ll make ‘em happy,” Yondu said, frowning. “If you love someone, you do whatever it takes to make ‘em happy. Don’t you know anything about love?”

“Come on, Yondu,” Peter sighed. “We grew up together. You know that ‘love’ wasn’t ever really a part of my relationships, if you could call ‘em that. Gamora’s...the closest I’ve ever had.”

“Now, now, Quill. You put on a big show, make them girls think you’re smooth,” Yondu said, pacing around Peter. Oh no, Peter thought, it’s Yondu’s Dramatic Speech Time™. “You charm ‘em, kiss a fair bunch, sleep with a couple ‘cause you think it makes you happy. And it does, for a while. But then, you ditch the Ravagers, try to start over, fresh, at the Cosmic Conservatory, and you see a girl that spins you on your head.”

“The pacing really isn’t necessary,” Peter interrupted, but Yondu just continued as if he hadn’t heard him.

“It’s not just that she’s pretty - and she is - it’s that she’s clever, she’s resilient, she’s strong, she’s unlike all the girls you been after your whole life. You flirt with her, but it don’t work ‘cause she’s smarter than that. You don’t wanna give up because she’s somehow different. But then this whole orb business, and Ronan, and you go back and forth, saving each other’s lives, and next thing y’know, you’re runnin’ a team together, living on a ship together, goin’ to school together. She’s everywhere, and she’s almost too important, so you play house instead.”

“Yondu - ”

“You’ve gotten too comfortable in pretendin’, boy,” Yondu said, brandishing a wet spoon at him. Peter winced as it made an incredibly disgusting squelching sound. “You gonna let a good thing like that slip away ‘cause you think she don’t feel the same? Here’s an idea - ask her.” He stood even taller, a satisfied look crossing his face. “I’ll only believe ya if she actually says no.”

Peter blinked at him in disbelief. “Do you know how dramatic you look when you do that? No, don’t answer that, you definitely do.” He sighed, turning back to the sink so he could scrub at the last plate instead of looking at Yondu’s smug expression. “Look, I’ve only just sort of acknowledged that I have feelings for her, okay? And this isn’t the first time - for some stupid reason, I - you know what, I’m not telling you about that. But now, I know for sure, that I like her, a lot, and I’m not ruining a good thing by telling her.”

Yondu snorted. “That’s what all those idiots in those films a’yours say. What’re you waitin’ for, boy, some big, life-changing moment?”

“No,” Peter snapped. “I’m waiting for proof that she feels the same. You think I like getting hurt?”

“So all them girls you flirted with before, you knew it was a sure thing? Never thought you’d get turned down?” Yondu leaned against the counter. “I don’t believe that.”

“Getting turned down for a date or a casual hookup is one thing,” Peter said, setting the last dish down, staring at it intensely like it had personally offended him. “Being rejected when you tell someone how much you like them? When they’re one of the most important people in your life? A whole ‘nother ballgame.”

“So you’re sensitive,” Yondu shrugged. “Your strength and your weakness, if y’ask me. Love, compassion, that’s your real power, ain’t it? You care so much about people you don’t even know. I’m just sayin’, a girl like Gamora, she’s a toughie, but she’s got some baggage. Insecurities, like everyone else. She might need you to spell it out for her before she shows her hand at all.”

He walked away with a knowing smile and wink, leaving Peter feeling thoroughly chastised. Yondu was only older than Peter by a year or two, so why did he feel like just got lectured by a father he didn’t have? He shivered a little at the thought of what his actual father had been like - a “complete and utter jackass”, to quote Yondu’s apt description of him. The way he’d tried to get between Peter and the other Guardians, the way he’d taunted him about his mother. Peter winced when he remembered how Ego had compared his relationship with Gamora to be like his own relationship with Meredith. Never, Peter thought fiercely.

Left alone with his thoughts for a few minutes as he mindlessly rearranged the kitchen cupboards (who thought it was a good idea to put preserved eyeballs next to the jam? Why did they have preserved eyeballs, and who was eating jam?), a voice pulled him back to reality. “What’re you doing?” Peter jumped, turning to see Gamora standing there, leaning against the wall, wearing one of his hoodies, her hair slightly damp at the ends. He raised an eyebrow. “Groot was fussy and splashed me, don’t look at me like that,” she chuckled. “Why are you moving everything around? Do you not have homework?”

“I do, which is why I’m doing this instead,” he lied smoothly, shutting the cupboard door. “You staying here tonight?”

“Are you?” She stepped closer, blinking up at him. “It’s the last Friday before I finally get back to performing at Club Galaxy. I thought we could do something.” Peter was pretty sure his brain short-circuited when she bit her bottom lip, an impish grin forming on her face.

“You, uh, have something in mind?” Peter was very confused. He couldn’t be sure, considering he’d never seen her do it before, but was she flirting with him? He’d been surprised enough yesterday when Gamora had ended up sleeping in his bed, but now her tone suggested she wanted a continuation. Before his brain could take him to a different line of thinking, he weakly suggested, “Another movie, maybe?”

Which is how he found himself, once again, in his (other) bed with Gamora pressed against his side, showing her -

“Dirty Dancing?” she said. “You’re not even trying to pretend anymore, are you?”

“Why’re you wearing my jacket?” Peter blurted before he could stop himself. He wasn’t sure why the thought to ask had suddenly registered in his head, as if she hadn’t been wearing it for the past twenty minutes already. She looked so at home in his clothes that he could feel all those feelings bubbling up again in his stomach, both something oddly warm and comforting, and something that was urging him to do something he’d regret.

“Janet is having some girls’ tea party - I don’t even know why - and I thought that showing up wearing what is clearly my boyfriend’s jacket would help,” Gamora said. She didn’t even look convinced of her own words - as valid as her point may be, it explained nothing about why she was wearing it now. Still, he decided not to comment as he mulled over what Yondu said. She was, despite her warrior’s exterior, still a young woman with sensitivities. He’d seen it in the discomfort on her face when he’d confronted her about what she said about him, how words could hurt her more than any weapon ever would. It wouldn’t do him any favours to point out the flaws in her logic.

He hummed, laying his head down on the pillow, wondering vaguely if she was planning on staying in his bed tonight as well. Probably not, considering her room was just next door, but it was a nice thought. Unlike Gamora, Peter had shared a bed with people before. Not always for sexual reasons, but with his mom when he’d had a nightmare, or even with Yondu when the Eclector was particularly overcrowded (Yondu didn’t like to talk about it). There was something about waking up to see her next to him that made him feel safe. And maybe, for a moment, he could pretend it was a result of something real. He stole a glance at her, watching as her dark eyes fixated on the screen, taking in Baby and Johnny’s dance practice. “Maybe we should do the lift at prom,” Peter said, half-jokingly.

“I hope you’re not expecting that,” Gamora said, pointing as Jennifer Grey crawled across the floor. He momentarily got distracted by the mental image that her idea had provided him.

“That would be really difficult to do in a prom dress,” he chuckled. “Hey, so do you really want to go to prom?”

“It would be odd if we didn’t,” she replied.

“That’s not what I’m asking,” Peter said softly. “Not for the con. For you.”

“I like experiencing the things I missed out on,” Gamora said thoughtfully, finally turning back to look at him. “I guess it makes me feel like I've become a part of something meaningful, even if it is just a school dance.”

“Then I'm glad to be a part of it,” he declared. “Now, after this movie is over, you have to tell me whether you've had the time of your life…”

______

The weekend passed by with little issue, all things considered. After the turmoil the team had gone through in the past month, they were grateful for the mundane, monotonous crawl of a lazy weekend. Peter was still a little rattled by Yondu’s speech, but he knew it came from a place of caring, as much as Yondu would deny it.

Peter and Rocket even managed to fix the Milano and finally get her up and running once more. True to his word, Peter started off by doing his repairs in a T-shirt, stripped down to a muscle tank, and eventually decided to go shirtless for the last couple hours in the height of the afternoon sun, sweat dripping down his forehead. He was pretty sure there was some irony in being cat-called by Tigra and Black Cat as they passed by the loading bay.

“Is this display necessary?” Gamora sighed when she had dropped by after spending most of her day with Janet and the other girls. “It’s not that hot.” He noticed she was still wearing his hoodie, now fully unzipped over her usual “uniform” of a blank tank top and leather leggings. It was a good look on her.

“You might be used to wearing all-leather outfits in the peak of summer, but I’m not,” Peter replied with a smirk. “I thought you’d enjoy the view, honey.”

“Yes, I don’t know why you’re complaining, Gamora, unless you want to keep him all to yourself,” Felicia purred. “You could cut diamonds on his stomach. I should try that sometime.”

“Don’t talk about him like that, his ego is already the size of his ship,” Gamora said, frowning, though she moved closer so she could kiss him. If her hands lingered on Peter’s bare torso for a little while longer than they needed to, well, that was her business.

Sunday was when the Guardians caught up on homework, albeit separately. Yondu also took the opportunity to chase the others down and chastise them about slacking. “You are telling us not to slack?” Nebula said, eyes narrowed. “That is a first.”

“Not on homework, girl. Your sister and Quill,” Yondu said, causing her to groan.

“Still on about that, are we? You seem oddly invested,” Rocket commented slyly. “What’s going on there, Yondu?”

“You really wanna know?” Yondu snapped.

“Yeah, actually, I do.” Rocket stood to his full height (three feet tall, so hardly intimidating, but to his credit, he had one of his signature BFGs by his side). “I wanna know why you care so d’ast much.”

“Then I’ll tell you.” Yondu settled into the armchair, glancing around to make sure Peter and Gamora were nowhere nearby before starting. “I might not’ve been captain yet, but when I was a kid Ravager, we had a job to go pick up some skinny kid off Terra. Weren’t allowed to ask questions about why or what we were doin’ with him. I watched ‘em big boys haul in that snot-nosed kid, who wouldn’t stop cryin’ about his mama. I was one of the only kids on the Eclector, so they told me to shut him up by any means possible. I didn’t wanna hit him or nothing, he was probably 60 pounds soaking wet. So, I asked him if he knew why he was here, what happened to his mama. Next thing I know, kid’s rattlin’ off about his music, all the shit he’s got in his backpack that she bought him, stuff like that.”

Mantis leaned forward, eyes wide, enraptured. “And then what happened?”

“One of the men - not the cap’n, just one of them commanders - came in and yelled at me for makin’ it worse. I say, ‘kid’s scared, he thinks we’re gonna sell him into slavery. We ain’t doing that, are we?’. The guy decks me across the face - me, also just a kid.” Yondu sighed slowly. “Then Quill, ‘cause he’s a dumbass, starts hittin’ the guy - who’s prob’ly 300 pounds on an off day - kickin’ him in the shins, hollerin’, saying ‘leave my friend alone, he ain’t done nothing’. We been talking for an hour tops, and he already thinks we’re friends.”

“That sounds very much like Quill,” Drax said, smiling fondly. “A man of good intention and terrible execution.”

“The guy don’t leave ‘til Quill’s got another black eye and a couple bruised ribs, but he’s smilin’ like he won a million units, ‘cause he’s decided that I’m stuck with him,” Yondu continued. “All cheery-like, tells me his face hurts, like I can’t tell. Won’t shut up about nothing ever since. And we get older, we start talkin’ about girls we like. Go out on jobs, see pretty girls, we flirt with ‘em, it can’t hurt. And I’ll admit, Quill’s more successful ‘cause he’s got that something special, y’know, but then he ditches the Ravagers for the Cosmic Conservatory. When I finally see him again, he’s talking about some girl with a sword who kicked his ass. And yeah, he mentions how pretty she is, but it’s everythin’ else that makes me realise there’s more to her than that. In some ways, feels like the way he used to talk about his mama - with love, with respect. He got it bad.”

“You really trying to say Quill’s had a crush on her since the beginning?” Rocket said, skeptical. “I mean, yeah, now he’s pretty obvious about it, but what about before when we were fighting Ronan? He was all business once we got down to it.”

“Gotta have your priorities straight, boy,” Yondu said, wagging a finger at him. “No time for nookie-nookie when there’s a maniac on the loose. Anyways, I been listening to Quill yammer on about nothin’ for years, and all a’sudden, he’s reluctant to talk. Something’s changed - it’s for real this time. For the first time, he’s nervous about losing. So we gotta help him out, push ‘em both in the right direction.”

The group fell silent for a moment, considering. “I have been helping,” Mantis piped up. “They are both too stubborn to admit it, but I can tell they both want it to be real.”

“Admittedly, I’ve not really done my part,” Drax murmured, head bowed as if he were ashamed. “But neither of them listen to me as much as you or Yondu.”

“I am Groot?” He blinked up at them slowly, hopeful. Rocket nodded approvingly.

“That’s actually not a bad idea, Groot,” he said. “Groot thinks he can use the ‘child’ angle to his advantage. Y’know, bring out the parenting instincts.”

“That’s good, twig,” Yondu said, smiling. “So, we all clear now? Get ‘em together so Quill can get back to normal. This weird, evasive crap? Ain’t like him.”

“If it will get you to shut up about it already,” Nebula muttered.

a/n: fluffy ridiculous OTT team dynamics are everything. hope y'all found this chapter to be a breather after the ridiculousness of the last one. next chapter's a fun one - the team finally take on a new job now that the milano's up and running, which may or may not make our lovely "couple" question whether they're doing this for the money anymore. also, black cat and tigra for those of you who don't know who was hitting on peter in that end bit there.

#starmora #peter quill #gamora #gotg #avengers academy #myfic #myfic: 20q #marvel #who likes writing cliches? sammi likes writing cliches #i have a weakness for clothes sharing ok #i mean...imagine gamora wearing peter's jackets...

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admittedlynotspartacus · 7 years

Text

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 5 - Let’s Do the Time Warp Again

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and who finally stopped rowing, turn back now.

THE ROAD TO KING’S LANDING

So right from the get-go, we have Bronn and Jaime popping up like -

And Bronn’s pretty much just like -

But most importantly, the man who was sinking to the bottom of the river at the end of last episode swam to safety with full armor and a golden hand!

But if you want logic, look elsewhere because D&D spent an entire episode last season with Arya doing parkour and now THEY HAVE NO TIME!!!

P-Dinky is the only one looking for Jaime, which seems crazy considering he was like the general of the Lannister army and seems like an important enemy, but whatever. And honestly, maybe P-Dinky’s not even looking for him, he could totally just be like -

Anyway, it matters not because the Dothraki are marching all the Lannisters to D-Baby like -

except at the top of the rock is a giant hungry dragon and a crazy lady who’s like “I’m not here to murder you” when just a few hours ago she was like -

She’s predictably giving her same old “Bend the knee or die” spiel, and some people bend the knee but then the dragon’s like -

and totally torches Daddy Tarly and Dickface.

and then all the non-believers are like -

KING’S LANDING

Jaime used the teleportation device and struts into Cersei’s room looking like he just did a full day of Tough Mudder. And Cersei’s like, “Don’t worry bro, we’re gonna beat her.” But Jaime’s, like, “Shut your mouth. Pack your bags.

DRAGONSTONE

D-Baby is back on her dragon, which is charging full fucking speed at J-Snow like -

But J-Snow just whips out his inner Caesar Milan like -

and Drogon's instantly like -

And lemme tell you, D-Baby slides off that dragon like -

#MustLoveDragons.

By the way, did you know that D-Baby thinks of her dragons as her children?

D&D just wanted to drop that little nugget in there one more time before Jorah Mormont pops up like -

And suddenly Dragonstone just got a lot like -

I’m Team Jorah. Always.

Somewhere in here there’s also a scene with Varys where’s he’s basically just like -

WINTERFELL

Bran’s taking a break from reciting Jaden Smith tweets to summon all the Winterfell ravens like -

and they’re flying for a long time. And they’re just kinda like, Snow. Wall. Then boom. White Walkers.

And Bran’s spying and it’s totally going well until the fucking Night King is just like -

OLDTOWN

But Bran does send a raven to Oldtown, which of course causes MORE heartbreaking conflict between Sam and National Treasure Jim Motherfucking Broadbent. And more importantly, more Harry Potter references. Because Sam is basically like, “Be brave, Professor. Be brave like my mother.” And you can tell NTJMFB wants to just be like -

But alas, he’d be rocking the boat of the other maesters too much.

So Sam runs to the Restricted Section, he grabs a bunch of scrolls and shit, he takes Gilly, he takes Little Baby Boyhood and he’s just like -

DRAGONSTONE

J-Snow also gets a raven, and at first he’s like, “OMG Bran’s alive!” OMG ARYA’S alive!” And we think J-Snow may actually have to deal with legit emotions, but then he’s just like, “Winter is coming.”

So P-Dinky comes up with a plan to do a private screening of An Inconvenient Truth for Cersei in the form of J-Snow and Jorah... going to capture... a wight? And like... bringing it to her... to show her...???

KING’S LANDING

Part of the above plan is that Davos will smuggle P-Dinky into King’s Landing to meet with Jaime so they can get the audience for the screening. So they use the teleportation device to get there in no time flat, of course. And the bro reunion goes about as awkwardly as imagined.

Meanwhile, Davos is like, “I have business in Fleabottom. And we’re all like -

Sure enough it’s Him...

But of course D&D ruin the moment real quick by having Davos literally say, “Wasn’t sure I’d find you. Thought you might still be rowing.”

In actuality, he does have a point; you’d expect his arms to be a LITTLE bigger.

But really, he hasn’t been rowing all that time. He’s been forging shit, but all the while like -

So he’s like, “Fuck this. I’m ready,” and he takes out this giant hammer that literally looks like an inflatable toy I had when I was a child. Except it super fucks up these two Monty Python guards when Davos fails to distract them with a Viagra pitch.

Jaime brings the Al Gore news to Cersei, who’s suddenly open to it.

And she’s got some more news as well -

DRAGONSTONE

Gendry and Davos are fucking back, and truly someone is gonna open up a fucking alternate dimension with all this time-hopping, MAYBE YOU GUYS SHOULDN’T HAVE SPENT SO MUCH DAMN TIME WITH PODRICK SLAYING VADGE IN KING’S LANDING BACK IN SEASON THREE!!! But more importantly J-Snow meets Gendry and he’s like, “You look leaner.” And Gendry’s like, “You look shorter.”

WINTERFELL

So remember how last week Arya was like -

Yeah, now she’s like -

Because conflict. So later on when Littlefinger is being Littlefinger and creeping around, Arya’s sneaking around after him like-

Like, girl. You trained with Faceless Assassins for TWO FUCKING SEASONS. This is the best you can do?!?

Anyway, Littlefinger totally knows what she’s doing, because she’s literally just hiding behind pillars.

So he leaves something for her in the form of the letter the Small Council made Sansa write to Robb in Season 1 begging him to bend the knee. In other words, it’s gonna fuel Arya’s newfound suspicion of her sister. Naturally, Littlefinger is pleased.

EASTWATCH

Our last fucking stop on our whirlwind tour of Westeros this week is Eastwatch, which for being the title of the episode is a very brief stop. We’ve got all the dudes here - J-Snow, Jorah, Gendry, and Davos meeting with Tormund, who’s really hung up on Brienne.

They team up with even more dudes when Tormund reveals he’s imprisoned Beric Dondarrion, The Hound, and The Dude. So they’re gonna join in on this wight expedition.

And then they’re off. Beyond the wall. And from there, it’s a Michael Bay wet dream.

BODY COUNT: 4 (RIP Daddy Tarly and Dickface) BOOB COUNT: None EPISODE GRADE: B

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

Nobody says “Cunt” like Bronn.

Right from the get-go, there’s a curve-ball with the War of the Two Queens - we all kinda figured this season would end with an all-out brawl between Cersei and Daenerys, right? Now that seems unlikely, at least in a militaristic sense.

Daenerys is turning evil clue: Just last week she was all, “I’m a ruler because people chose me,” but now she’s forcing people to bend the knee out of fear. That said, I expected more to be done with Tyrion’s feeling icky about the whole situation. It felt like we were being set up for more conflict there that vanished around the halfway point of the episode.

Daenerys doesn’t know Jon is a Targaryen, so her driving Drogon straight at him is pretty crazy. I mean, we gotta believe if he hadn’t dog-whispered it it would have eaten him, right? What the fuck was her move there?

We’ve only seen three people interact with dragons as Jon did this episode. He did it, Daenerys has done it, and Tyrion. There’s been a long-standing book theory that Tyrion is a Targaryen. And the dragon does have three heads.

The whole wight thing seems really stupid, right?

And another stupid thing: the key to Jon’s parentage randomly hiding in a book in Oldtown. But cleverly done, I think, with Sam ignoring it. So you gotta figure both Bran and he are needed to reveal the truth to Jon - Bran knows that he’s not a bastard - that he’s a Targaryen, and Sam (with Gilly’s info) will know that Rhaegar didn’t abduct and rape Lyanna - it was a consensual love affair.

Sansa will be queen theory proof: Once again being the one person thinking about the realm and the future as opposed to what will be best for the moment at hand.

I loved pretty much everything about Gendry’s re-entrance - the Jon-him dynamic mirroring their fathers’ most of all. And I’m amending my Sansa is queen at the end, Tyrion is her hand, to adding Gendry on as Sansa’s king. It would be the Baratheon-Stark marriage that was meant all along, plus a Lannister (possibly Targaryen) on the side.

This pregnancy news is crazy after I brought up her possibly dying in childbirth last week. Do we believe it? It’s a huge power play on Jaime regardless of its legitimacy.

Where’s Theon?

Where’s Uncle Freddie Mercury?

Where’s Barack? Isn’t Michelle worried?

All right, so we gotta figure there will be some casualties in the North during what seems destined to be another big money episode. I’m calling J-Snow safe, same with Gendry or else why bring him back? Anyone else could go, although Beric or Thoros wouldn’t sting much. But Tormund, Davos, or Jorah going might be happening...

NEXT WEEK: Hardhome: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

#game of thrones #got #georgerrmartin #sansa #arya #stark #lannister #baratheon #gendry #gendrystoppedrowing #asongoficeandfire #gameofthrones #hbo #season7 #episode5 #eastwatch

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