#like there literally enacting the whole “he’s singing on a stage but it’s all for one person” trope

[hitmeupaep]

actually insane

#like tell me this isn’t striaght out of a fucking movie #like wtf #i will literaly never move on #like there literally enacting the whole “he’s singing on a stage but it’s all for one person” trope #like misha sitting ON THE FLOOR looking at up him #the nod misha gives #jensen staring at misha at the begining #than jensen looking at misha and getting all flustered and stopping #like hello wtf??? #and this is all after the “so do i” comment i think #like fr insanity #idk how people don’t see it i’m sorry #misha collins #jensen ackles #cockles

[imagine-that-100]

Falling For You

Description: Shawn Mendes x Reader (Female) | You are the lifelong best friend of Shawn Mendes. You have both loved The 1975 for years and when you attend the Brit Awards with Shawn, Matty Healy reveals some new information to you. When you and Shawn attend their concert later on in the year your wildest dreams come true.

Thank you so much for requesting this @lololovestaylor! I adored writing this! x

Word Count: 16.2k

Warnings: Catcalling 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Being away from someone is hard. It’s hard when you haven’t seen them for a few days or even a week. But you suffered from that particular type of pain more than most people. And you had been for suffering for years.

Since the age of 15 you had been separated from your best friend and despite wishing him all the luck in the world, it broke you every time he left. The moments together were spent messing around and you never leaving his side.

Shawn has been your best friend since you could remember. You were born on the same day and you’d grown up together. Going to the same schools and you were by his side almost every step of the way of him becoming the famous Shawn Mendes.

You had been there through it all. You were the one who told Shawn to put his covers on YouTube and were there to help him edit the videos when he needed it.

You were there when he got signed and you were there when everything became a little too much for him and he needed a reminder of home. You were his home. And he was yours.

You missed your best friend like crazy and you wished you spoke more whilst he was away. You were always hesitant to message him though.

You knew he was either busy, on stage or tired and you didn’t want to interrupt his schedule. So, whilst he was away you took a back seat and let Shawn control things.

You’d let him call you and you’d stay up till the silly hours of the morning chatting to him when he needed to get his emotions out. You even got excited when it was just a quick 2-minute call to check in.

Anytime his name flashed up on your screen you loved it because it was a piece of your best friend coming back to you. You called or texted him on occasion but only when you desperately needed him.

One of those times was when one of your favourite band released tickets in Toronto and you couldn’t stop yourself from getting the both of you tickets. It was 9am and you knew Shawn had got back to his apartment really early that morning, but you didn’t care.

You’d just got the both of you tickets to see The 1975 on June 3rd and you were so excited. You hadn’t been to a concert in ages.

The last time you saw Shawn live was when he brought you to the shows that he did in Toronto for the Illuminate tour. You had only been to one other concert after that and it wasn’t as good as Shawn’s.

However, you had been obsessed with The 1975 ever since Shawn made you listen to their first album, just after Shawn had gotten big. You remembered the day like it was yesterday.

You had been listening to Stitches on the radio sat in Shawn’s bedroom and you’d been grinning at him the whole time whilst singing along. You’d re-enacted the music video by faking a punch to the face and you fell on his bed whilst screaming along to the lyrics.

By the end you and Shawn were both in fits of giggles and your head was lay in his lap. You were out of breath and were focused on getting your breathing back under control, staring at his ceiling.

You felt Shawn rest his hand on your hair and twirl it around his fingers and you zoned out for a moment. A few seconds later though Shawn interrupted your peace and said “Y/N, please tell me you have listened to this song?”

You tuned back into reality and heard an upbeat song playing on the radio. You listened for a moment as the lyrics bounced around the room.

“And she said use your hands and my spare time. We’ve got one thing in common, it’s this tongue of mine. She said oh. She’s got a boyfriend anyway”

You sat up, getting off Shawn and your hair fell out of his fingers as you turned towards him and said “Never heard it in my life Mendes”

“Oh my god, listen to it please” Shawn said putting a finger over his lips instructing you to be quiet.

You smiled at him and did as you were asked and carried on listening. You heard the lyric “she’s got a boyfriend anyway” a few times and smirked at Shawn.

You said “I think she’s got a boyfriend” with a cheeky grin on your face.

“Shut the fuck upppp” Shawn groaned and poked you in your side causing you to giggle.

You lent your head on his shoulder and carried on listening to the song. Or to be more specific you listened to Shawn sing along to the song. “And now we’re on the bed in my room...”

You happily listened to him sing along to the song and the more you listened the more you found yourself enjoying it. You started tapping along to the beat and found yourself getting into the song.

You wanted to know the lyrics, you wanted to sing along. Shawn sang the lyric “If we’re gunna do anything we might as well just fuck”

Your eyes widened and your head snapped towards him. His eyes met yours and you gasped “That was too vulgar to come out of your mouth Shawnie”

You pushed his shoulder and let out a laugh at the face he was pulling at you. “I’ve had sex you idiot” He said pushing you back.

“Tell me about it, you’ve brought it up once or twice” You rolled your eyes. When it happened, he told you everything. Literally everything. And you were happy for him, but you didn’t really want to know.

The last few months you started to imagine a life with Shawn, like every teenage girl did with a crush. A life with his as more than your best friend, but you would never, ever compromise what you had with him.

And that’s what Shawn stayed as. Your best friend who you told absolutely everything to. After that day you both found yourself listening to The 1975’s first album a lot.

His Mom would always complain that we needed to mix it up a bit because it was the same songs on repeat. That and she didn’t like the language the song used.

It was definitely no surprise to you that there was little to no swearing on Shawn’s first album. But you loved each and every song anyway.

As a teen you quickly fell in love with all of the boys in the 1975 and because you were a basic bitch, Matty was obviously your favourite. Before Shawn went on tour for the first time, he would hear about how you would let any member of the band do whatever they wanted to you.

Yes, you were a horny teen and no, you didn’t care. And neither did Shawn really. He found it quite funny at times. He would joke about how you needed to get laid and you would play it off as if you didn’t want Shawn to ‘satisfy your needs’ as he put it.

There was a horrendous about of banter between the two of you and it was really no wonder that your crush developed. The cutest, most talented brunette boy in Canada was your age and your best friend.

Needless to say, when you secured your tickets to The 1975’s show at the Budweiser Stage you called Shawn immediately. You didn’t for a second think he was going to answer which is why you got dressed and started to make your way over to his apartment.

The late nights and early mornings really didn’t agree with your best friend and you knew that very well. There were mornings when you both had to be up for ice hockey and you’d accidentally fell asleep at his or the other way round, and you had to drag him there half dead.

Clearly, with Shawn touring he was even more tired. Usually you felt bad for him, so you let him rest but today was not one of those days.

You didn’t even get annoyed when people bumped into you on the hectic sidewalk, you just kept your destination in mind. You were about to see your best friend in person for the first time in 4 months and give him the best news.

The chilly November breeze didn’t even phase you. You were too excited to let anything get you down.

You made your way up to his apartment, remembering how you had to heave his boxes up the stairs because the lift was broken when he moved in. It was a funny day but by the end you were both knackered and fell asleep with a half-eaten pizza in front of you.

You banged loudly on his door and hoped he would get up and let you in. After a minute of constant banging on his door you heard your phone go off.

Use your key you psycho  

You rolled your eyes and quickly unlocked his door. You loved how he knew it was you. Nothing has changed at all.

You push the door open and slam it shut behind you, in hopes to wake him up a bit more. You also kicked your shoes off as you know you’ll end up sat on his bed.

“Shawn” You shouted bursting through his bedroom door.

“Y/N” He groaned rolling over to face you. You can see in the dark room that Shawn’s lay on his bed with nothing but his black Calvin’s on.

He opened his arms out to you and you fell into them. You felt his arms wrap around you and you hugged him tightly. “I’ve missed you Mendes” You murmur into his ear.

“I’ve missed you too” Shawn said hugging you the tiniest bit tighter. After a second, he rolled you over, so you were lay down next to him. You let out a squeal as you did so which caused Shawn to laugh.

Once he let you go you both lay there for a second just enjoying each other’s physical company again.

“Didn’t know you were still doing your photo shoot Mendes” You said pulling on the waist band of his underwear and letting it slap back onto his skin.

“That. Hurt.” Shawn said almost pushing you off the bed.

“Oh shut up you model” You poked his side. He’d sent you the pictures that they had taken from him last month and you couldn’t stop laughing. After the initial shock obviously.

“I’m not a model Y/N” Shawn said with a moody look on his face.

“Oh yeah because you haven’t just modelled for the biggest underwear brand in the world” You joked. Shawn have you a look and you just could get the smile off your face.

“You’re going to break the fucking internet when they release them Shawn” You tell him, and he waves you off. It was nice to see that he was still down to earth despite nearly every household in the world knowing who he was.

Shawn let out a breath and closed his eyes again. You watched as he pretty much fell back to sleep before you slapped his chest.

“Y/N please just let me sleep” Shawn groaned, pleading with his eyes.

“Nooooo” You whined. “I have news” You smiled.

“No. No news until I’ve had another few hours of sleep” Shawn said throwing the duvet over you.

“But Shaw...” You started but he shut you up. He put a hand over your mouth and looked into your eyes.

“No Y/N. Let’s just sleep. Like we used to” He said, and you didn’t argue. You knew he must be really tired because he was never usually like this.

You fell asleep with the memory of all the times in the past when you’d fallen asleep with your best friend beside you. You really did miss having him with you and you were glad he was back.

You woke up 3 hours later. You were on the verge of sweating. You were dressed in your Youth hoodie that Shawn gave you ages ago and skinny jeans. The duvet was also over you and so was Shawn’s tattooed arm.

You lay there for a moment getting your brain back into gear. You hadn’t realised how tired you were. Getting the tickets must have really woken you up.

You shuffled out of bed quickly and threw the curtains open. The light that entered the room was blinding and by the hiss that Shawn let out, you would have guessed that he was a vampire and the light was burning him.

You laughed as you walked towards the bathroom and watched him writhe in pain. He let out obscene profanities and threw a pillow at you when you shouted “Get up, I have news”

You just dodged the pillow as you slipped into the bathroom and let out a laugh. You found your toothbrush in the pot where you left it last and got the rotten taste out of your mouth.

Shawn came in a minute later in and moved you out of the way so he could do the same. His hair was a complete mess. It reminded you of the time that he hadn’t brushed it in a week, but now it was longer, so it was worse.

You finished up quickly and watched as sleepy Shawn slowly came back to life because you said “Right, I have news. Meet me in the lounge”

“Are you okay?” Shawn asked with a mouthful of toothpaste. He was looking at you with worry through the mirror.

Your eyes connected with his brown ones and you smiled “I’m wonderful”. After you slipped out of the room you shout “Get dressed”

You rested yourself on Shawn’s comfy corner sofa and ordered the both of you some food. You really didn’t want to go outside again. It was also getting cold out now and you regretted not bringing a coat with you. Then again you weren’t planning to leave for at least a few days.

It always happened when Shawn got back. You would come round and he usually wouldn’t let you leave unless it was to join him at his parents’ house. You obviously didn’t complain, you wanted to spend as much time with him as you could whilst he was back.

Shawn came out a few minutes later and joined you on the sofa. “I’ve ordered us food” You smiled down at him as he lay his head in your lap.

You ruffled your hand through his hair and saw his face brighten up. You laughed hearing his stomach rumble and he asked, “What we havin’?”

“McDonalds because its quick and easy” You said before slapping his forehead.

“Ugh I hate you” Shawn said keeping his eyes closed, in hopes that you wouldn’t continue your assault.

“You love me, and you know it” You laughed. “Now wake up. I have news” You said watching as he sat up properly next to you.

“What is it?” Shawn asked, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach.

You grinned at him knowing just how excited he was going to be. You seemed to leave it too long though because Shawn said “Tell me, you’re scaring me Y/N”

You started laughing and said “okay, okay… I got us standing tickets to The 1975” You tried not to freak out but you failed and started squealing seeing Shawn’s face beam.

“Really?” Shawn asked, running a hand through his curls

“Yeah, I got them this morning, I’m sooooo excited!” You practically yelled; You were that excited.

“Oh my god, Y/N I’m so excited! When is it?” Shawn asked you, hugging you tightly.

“June 3rd, please please please tell me you aren’t touring Shawn” You said, and Shawn’s eyes widened. You felt him go still and you knew what that meant.

You pulled back from him and said, “You are, aren’t you?” Shawn watched your face fall and his chest hurt. He hated that he was never around to do the stuff that you both used to do.

“I’m sorry Y/N” Shawn said running a hand through his hair. He felt so bad and watched as you tried to hide your disappointment with one of your bright smiles. He knew you too well though.

“It fine, don’t worry. I can just sell them on closer to the time and become just as rich as you” You laughed.

You were disappointed but in no way would you make Shawn feel guilty for doing what he loved. You would never ever come in between him and his career.

“I’m really sorry Y/N/N” Shawn said again, and he looked upset.

“Hey Shawn” You said resting a hand on his leg. He looked up at you and said “It’s honestly fine, you can just watch a chick flick with me to make up for it”

You stuck your tongue out at him and cheered him up until a knock on the door interrupted you. You said “I’ll grab it, you get blankets ready for the film”

Shawn nodded giving you a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Shawn got his phone out and sent Andrew a quick text that said Please call me

You came back over with the food and Shawn got up to get the blankets. He wonders off into the other room when you hear his phone start to call next to you.

You pick it up off the sofa and see Andrews name flash up on the screen. You walk into his bedroom and saw Shawn grabbing a few blankets from inside his wardrobe.

“It’s Andrew” You say holding his phone out to him.

“Trade?” Shawn asked handing you the blankets in exchange for his phone.

“Give me five minutes and I’ll be all yours” Shawn says, and you smile back.

“Better had be” You joke as he answers the phone and you hear him giggle as you leave the room.

Shawn did indeed join you 5 minutes later and you both quickly devoured your food. You ended up putting To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before on and fell in love with Noah Centineo.

“Didn’t you do the Calvin shoot with him” You questioned, and Shawn nodded.

You chatted about that for a while and once the film finished you Shawn chose the next one. He elected to put on The Conjuring which you weren’t impressed about.

You hated ghosts and Shawn knew you did. You spent the whole of the film hiding into Shawn’s side because you just didn’t want to watch.

“You’re so lame” Shawn said as you jumped again.

“You’re a fucking idiot because you won’t be sleeping when I take up half your bed because I’m too scared to sleep in my own room” You said slapping his solid arm.

Shawn shook his head at you until his phone went off again. “You’re too popular for your own good” You said, and you watched Shawn smile at his phone and type a reply back to whoever it was.

“What?” Shawn asked, obviously not paying attention to you.

“Nothing” You laughed and diverted you attention to the film again.

A minute later Shawn said “I have some good news”

You looked round at him and asked “Ooo what is it?”

“We are going to The 1975 after all” Shawn told you and you looked at him confused.

“Erm no we’re not, you have a tour to do” You told him eating another biscuit and trying not to be scared of the TV.

“I changed the tour dates; Andrew approves so we’re going” He tells you and you looked back at him with your mouth ajar.

You jump on your best friend and give him the tightest hug in the world. “I can’t believe you! Why would you do that!” You shouted down his ear but still have your arms wrapped around his neck.

“Because. I wanna go to a concert with you again and I need a break in-between Europe and the rest of the world anyway” Shawn told you gripping onto you tightly. He’d missed you so much.

“But what about the fans?” You ask once his grip on you loosened. You looked into his eyes and saw the joy in them, and he saw your Y/E/C eyes beam with excitement.

“Tickets aren’t on sale yet, just changed the dates” He said trying to hold back a grin.

“Ahhhh Shawnnn” You squealed. “I’m sooooo excited” You said hugging him again. Shawn wrapped an arm around you again and he could feel you buzzing with energy.  

The rest of the day passed in a blur. Shawn had told his Mom the wrong date he was home, so you had the whole day together with no interruptions. You were just about to go into Shawn’s spare room (which was practically your room) when he said “You know earlier on when you told me you had news, I genuinely thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant”

Your eyes widened in shock, but you decided to joke around with it. “Oh my god Shawn how did you know?” You said, clearly joking.

Shawn grinned at you from the door that led into his room “Very funny”

“No Shawn, I’m serious it’s your baby” You said rubbing a hand over your stomach. You couldn’t help yourself from starting to laugh and neither could Shawn.

After a while your laughter died down and Shawn said “Honestly though, I thought you were going to tell me that you and Jake were expecting”

You smiled at the ground and shook your head “Nah, me and Jake went our separate ways about two months ago”

“What?” You heard Shawn say softly. You just nodded at the ground not finding the heart to look at him.

Shawn was on his festival tour when it happened and the last thing you wanted to do was interrupt any of it. He never asked, so you never told him. You just called him now and again when you needed reminding that you were worth something more than what Jake had ended up making you feel like.

“Yeah” You said quietly as you heard Shawn walk over to you.

“Y/N, why didn’t you tell me?” Shawn asked bringing you into a tight hug.

You hugged him back feeling guilty about not telling him in the first place. “I didn’t want to bother you whist you were away” You tell him honestly. He was your best friend; he knew when you were lying so there was no point in doing so.

“Y/N, you’re my best friend it’s what I’m here for. You call me whenever you need me” Shawn told you comfortingly but soothingly at the same time.

“You were there for me. I listened to Treat You Better on repeat for like a week and cried my feelings away” You joked but there was truth to your statement. You did cry listening to it a few times.

“Y/N, your making me feel so bad right now” Shawn said hugging you tighter. Your grip on his top tightened probably leaving a wrinkle in it but at this moment you doubted he cared.

“I’m sorry, I hate to bother you when you’re away, you’re always really stressed and busy and the last thing I wanna do is add to that by you having to talk to me” You said into his shoulder.

Shawn’s head was spinning. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t been there for you when you needed him the most. You both stayed silent for a few minutes just in each other comforting embrace.

When Shawn let you go you saw that he was having one of his inner conflicts and you were about to say something, but he got there first. “You ever need me Y/N and I mean ever, no matter the time, you call me, and I will be there” He said in a stern voice.

You knew he wasn’t joking and so you nodded your head. “Promise me Y/N?” Shawn more told you than asked.

You nodded again “I promise” and gave him another hug. After another minute you both said goodnight to each other. It had been a long day of you both doing nothing but you both knew that you needed your rest for tomorrow.

A day when Shawn came home was hectic for everyone involved. Karen loved to spoil Shawn when he came home and because you were rarely apart it ended up in you being spoiled as well.

On the odd occasion you would go around to see Aaliyah and Karen would even spoil you then. You felt she was your Mom at times in the past because you were there that often. When you went round though you also felt like when you were somehow closer to Shawn when his family were around you.

You remember the last time you were there, which was just after you split up with Jake, you walked past Shawn room on the way into Aaliyah’s and the wave of loneliness hit you. It was like you had lost a piece of yourself and someone just reminded you that it was gone.

Once Aaliyah had shown you the stuff that she had bought and got you to help her, you gave yourself a few minutes break. You slowly opened Shawn’s bedroom door and took a step in.

It was exactly like he left it, but tidy. His guitars scattered around the room and his bed freshly made. The last time you were in this room you’d both fallen asleep watching music videos and woken up the next morning to the smell of freshly cooked pancakes. Needless to say, you had both raced downstairs and ate as much as you could.

You’d been sat on Shawn’s bed for a minute and you hugged his shitty guitar pillow that you’d bought him years ago to your chest. You really missed him, and you’d only just realised how much.

The next thing you knew Karen knocked lightly on the door and snapped you out of your memories. You smiled up at her and you remembered that she came in the room and joined you.

You remember both letting a few tears fall at the memories you were telling each other about. You ended up hugging her when she told you that she thought of you like part of the family and she let it slip that it when Shawn was away, she felt like she’d lost two kids instead of one.  

When you got home that night you remember having a good cry and letting your emotions loose. That was one of the days where you called Shawn first and he immediately made you feel better.

When you climbed into Shawn’s spare bed you found that sleep definitely wasn’t going to come easily. You felt so bad for not telling Shawn and everything to do with Jake was spiralling around your head.

Before you knew it, an hour had passed, and you were staring at the ceiling hoping boredom would send you to sleep. That didn’t happen though.

What did happen was you jumping out of your skin when the door handle rattled. You stared at the door as it began to open, and your heart started thudding.

You really needed to stop watching those horror movies because you feared the absolute worst when it was just Shawn. You released the breath that you were holding and said “You just scared the shit out of me”

You heard him laugh as he closed the door behind him and got under the covers with you. “You scared me so much” You said beginning to calm down.

“Really?” Shawn asked and you nodded. You took ahold of his wrist and placed his  hand over your chest so he could feel your beating heart.

“Jesus, you are a wimp” Shawn laughed, and you did too.

“What you doing here anyway Mendes? Scared of the dark?” You asked playfully before returning your gaze to the ceiling.

“No, I just couldn’t sleep” Shawn told you whilst shuffling about, you assumed to get himself comfortable.

“Same” You whispered. After that you lay there in silence for a few more minutes until Shawn cautiously asked, “What happened Y/N?”

You let out a breath and started to divulge in the story. As you did so you just stared at the ceiling and let the words escape from your lips.

You told him about how Jake slowly started becoming more distant and more abrupt with you. He was always joking around but he’d started doing that with everyone but you.

You told him how it got worse and you were always arguing and then it turned out that he’d been cheating. You don’t know when the tear fell down your face, but you assumed Shawn saw it because he took ahold of your hand and intertwined your fingers.

You clung onto the small comfort it gave you as you finished off the story. It wasn’t nice to relive because you were with Jake for almost a year but saying it out loud gave you more closure somehow.

Shawn listened silently and tried to keep his anger at bay for your sake. He was so protective over you that it took a lot for him to accept Jake in the first place.

Now he didn’t think he would trust anyone again with your feelings. You didn’t deserve to be crying in bed over an asshole. You deserved the world.

When your voice cracked when you’d just finished speaking was when Shawn’s heart really broke. He knew it would be easier for you to open up in the dark as if no one was there because you hated talking about yourself. But being with you and hearing your heartbreak broke him.

Shawn let go of your hand and pulled you into him. You buried your face into his chest and let the tears fall. You hated that you were crying over an asshole who didn’t care.

After a few minutes of Shawn holding your shaking body he started to try and make you feel better. Just by him being there and hugging you was doing the trick, but his voice soothed you immensely.

After a few minutes you were calming down and Shawn’s pyjama top was drying up your tears. Shawn has gone onto being funny now and was saying “What is it that Matty Healy says? Get someone you love, get someone you need...”

You started to laugh at Shawn’s lame excuse of a joke. Shawn smiled upon hearing your laughter and he joined in.

“Come on, carry it on” Shawn said.

“Fuck that get money” You croaked out and you cringed because it definitely sounded awful.

“That’s it” Shawn laughed and before you knew it, you’d fallen asleep in his arms.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The beginning of February was cold to say the least. You were back to missing Shawn, but you felt a lot better within yourself.

Despite Shawn having to leave again at the beginning of December, he got you back to a good place. You were at the stage where you no longer cried over Jake.

It had been put to rest; you were at peace with the situation. Whilst Shawn was away you had talked pretty much every day which was nice and something you had to grow used to again.

When he came home for Christmas it was great. Your family went over to the Mendes household on Boxing Day for a big meal and it was awesome.

You were so lucky that your Mom and Karen were best friends. They had given you the greatest best friend in the world and you were beyond thankful that they stayed in touch after August 8th, 1998.

You and Shawn were born on the same day and that’s how they met. You’d literally known Shawn since the day you were born and consequently you were best friends because of it.

As you were walking the busy streets of Toronto you got a call from Shawn and you didn’t hesitate to answer. “Hey, what’s up?” You asked.

“Y/N, you’re coming to England” Shawn said abruptly.

“Erm, I don’t think I am” You laughed beyond confused.

“No, you are, I’ve just put your name down as my plus one for the Brit Awards” Shawn told you and panic started to rise in you.

“Shawn I can’t go to one of those with you, you know what people would say” You didn’t care about actually going, uou weren’t scared about that. You were scared about what people would do.

You didn’t want the media to start trying to ruin anything to do with Shawn’s career.  He had a hectic enough life as it was, and he didn’t need people speculating about the both of you.

There was enough speculation when you allowed Shawn to post the annual picture of the both of you on your birthdays. You had loads of the two of you on your own private Instagram which assholes from high school that you had on there would leak to the rest of the public.

“You’re coming and I’m not taking no for an answer. It’s basically just a big concert but we get food” Shawn, told you and you could hear excitement in his voice.

“Shawn...” You trail off.

“Y/N the 1975 are up for two awards, I’m up for one and I think the 1975 are performing... You are coming” Shawn said, and you could practically see his grin.

“Are you sure you want me there?” You asked cautiously.

“Don’t be stupid, of course I do” Shawn tells you. “I’ve been trying to get you to come to one of these with me for years”

“Okay” You say trying not to grin like a mad man whilst walking down the street.

“Awesome, I’m so excited” Shawn said, and you couldn’t wait.

Before you knew it, you were flying to England to meet Shawn. You’d been picked up at the airport by a security guard because Shawn was busy getting his suit adjusted or something.

Not that you minded you couldn’t wait to get to your hotel and sleep. You only got in an hour sleep before Shawn came and bothered you though. He insisted that he take you out and get you a dress considering he was forcing you to go to the Awards with him.

You understood that in his life you had to dress a certain way. If you were completely honest with yourself, you were actually excited to dress up like you were a celebrity. Be a part of Shawn’s life in a slightly different way to what you were used to.

You ended up picking out a black dress that was skin tight, apart from the skirt that flowed down to your mid-thigh. It also had long sleeves that came down to your wrists and you felt like a princess.

You had definitely never dressed in something so expensive, but Shawn insisted that you had to have it. He said you looked beautiful and you let yourself believe him this once.

It did look good on you and you could only imagine that it would look better when you’d had your hair and make-up done. This you were right about because when the stylists came to Shawn’s hotel room on the night, you felt like a completely different person than when they first entered.

They had given you a dark smoky eyeshadow which made your eyes stand out and curled your hair, so it looked beautiful. In the hotel you got a few pictures with Shawn on your phone and you loved them with the whole of your heart.

Shawn seemed to as well because he set the picture to be his home screen on his phone and subsequently you did too. You’d had a really great night with him and nothing had even happened yet.

At the start you felt a bit uncomfortable not really wanting to be in a foreign country on your own, but you also didn’t want to go on the red carpet with Shawn. You didn’t need the speculations to start and you really valued your privacy.

So, you went inside with Andrew and took a seat as you waited at your table for Shawn to return. You were sat a few tables away from the centre stage and Andrew was catching up with you when Shawn arrived. He informed Andrew that the interviews went well and then proceeded to chat to you for the rest of the night.

Shawn watched as you silently freaked out when you spotted The 1975 boys sit down a couple of tables away from you. You were grabbing onto Shawn’s arm and practically shaking him trying to point them out to him.

Shawn was silently freaking out; you could see it in his face. He was your best friend; he couldn’t hide his excitement from you. You, however, didn’t have a reputation to uphold and you could freak out next to your best friend as much as you wanted to whilst they weren’t around.

You did the same thing with practically every famous face that you saw though. As the night went on and you’d eaten your food you had been introduced to a few people that came up to Shawn and you were fairly certain the camera had caught you a few times when it panned around to Shawn.

You tried not to let it get to you though. You enjoyed the night for what it was. The songs were amazing to listen to and you found that the host Jack Whitehall was extremely funny.

Your favourite part of the night was when he came over and took your seat for a few minutes and chatted to Shawn about how he did indeed break the internet with his Calvin Klein shoot. It was the lock screen on his phone and you almost cried with laughter, because of that and you could clearly see the embarrassment on Shawn’s face.

Shawn looked directly at you when you started laughing even more when Jack Whitehall said about “suspicious packages” You could see that Shawn wanted out of the situation very quickly and Jack seemed to pick up on it as well and after that he left him alone.

You did tell him when he signed up to do the shoot though. You genuinely couldn’t believe that your shy as fuck best friend was now a Calvin Klein model.

You and Shawn both later jumped up and applauded when The 1975 won both of their awards. The final one that they won distracted you from your rant about Shawn not winning his award.

Every time you watched an award show you truly believed that if they couldn’t be bothered turning up to claim the award, they didn’t deserve to have it.

And you thought Shawn was the best in the category. Your music taste didn’t have much range. You tended to listen to the same songs on repeat and only occasionally caught the new ones on the radio.

Shawn pleaded with you to shut up about it and that Drake deserved it over him but that was utter bullshit. You were about to tell him that when The 1975 got called again which thankfully distracted you.

Shawn hugged Matty twice on their way past and you really had to restrict your reaction. When they’d walked by though you sent Shawn a shocked face and he just grinned at you and hugged you after they had gone past.

You listened to their speeches and you wanted to cry for them seeing how happy they were. Then before you knew it, they were being announced to perform not 5 minutes later.

Shawn took you by the hand and pulled you up from your seats. He told Andrew that you would both be back, and he manoeuvred you both through the tables.

He took you to a section of the stage where no fans could really see him, but you had a great view. You managed to get there just as they started to sing Sincerity is Scary and you and Shawn both sang along.

You ended up in your ‘concert position’ as you called it. You had always been smaller than Shawn so when you went to concerts with him before he was famous you would stand in front of him.

It was an amazing performance and you were so sad it was just the one song. It made you so beyond excited for June. When it was finished you gave Shawn a hug and thanked him again for bringing you.

The next thing you knew Shawn had led you through some doorways and you were backstage. Your heeled ankle boots echoed through the hallway and when you saw famous faces in front of you, you went shy and quiet.

Matty had embraced Shawn in the third hug of the evening and Shawn congratulated him and then the others. Whilst Shawn was hugging the others Matty’s eyes met yours and you sent a smile his way.

“Shawn, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend” Matty said taking your hand in his. He flashed you a friendly smile before he kissed your hand. “What’s your name love?”

“Y/N” You tell him with a bright smile. “And I’m not, I’m just his best friend” You continue, either you or Shawn had to correct near enough everyone that came over to him about that tonight. Not that you really minded you were fairly certain whoever he invited would have been mistaken for the same thing.

“Congratulations by the way” You say half in panic “And you guys were amazing out there” You said, looking between the boys.

“Not amazing as you look in here” Matty said in his adorable accent. He then proceeded to twirl you around as his hand still had a hold of yours.

You laughed as he did it and said a shy “Thanks”

“Honestly man, you guys were great. We can’t wait to come see you” Shawn said joining you back at your side.

“You’re coming to see us?” Ross asked you nodded.

“Yeah I got us tickets to your Toronto show. I’m pretty excited” You told him and you were taken aback at how dashing he looked. You think your Matty obsession just transferred to Ross.

“Yeah she only came here with me tonight to see you guys” Shawn said smiling down at you. You nodded in agreement and said “Literally”

“Well get in here for a picture then” George said, waving you over to them.

“Nah, it’s alright. You guys have things to do, you don’t want to be taking pictures with me” You said standing slightly closer to Shawn.

Your best friend had other ideas for you though. “Y/N shut up and have your picture taken” He said pushing you towards Matty. “She’s been obsessed with you all since we were like 16” She tells them

You looked back at Shawn and threw a death glare at him and watched as he took his phone out of his pocket. “Fucking hate you Mendes, outing me like this in front of my favourite people on the planet” You seethed you wrapped your arms around Matty and Ross’ backs.

To your right stood Matty, who had just wrapped an arm around your neck, and George by his side. To your left stood Ross, who you could feel just placed his hand on the small of your back, and Adam stood next to him.

“Think you’ve been shot down there mate, you’re not your best friends favourite” Matty chucked and you nodded “True”.

“Shut up Y/N” Shawn said but you reiterated “Take the fucking picture then”

“Don’t act like you’re not loving life right now” Shawn said sending you a knowing look.

You bit your tongue and said a low “Imma fucking kill him”

You heard the band around you laugh and you all stood still as Shawn took your picture. “There you go, a picture you can obsess over till June now Y/N/N” Shawn said putting his phone down.

You broke apart from the boys and said, “Fucking hilarious Shawn, don’t act like we both didn’t jump around your house singing the all of their first album” You nudged him with your elbow and he gave you a dirty look.

Matty still seemed to be interested in your conversation and he said, “So you are pretty big fans then?”

You and Shawn nodded in sync. “Oh yeah, big time” You told him honestly and patted Shawn’s chest “This guy has wanted to get a picture with you for years”

“Mate” Matty said, putting a hand on Shawn’s shoulder “Come here, we all love your music. Why haven’t we had a photo yet?”

Matty takes out his phone and gives it you. “Will you please take our picture please Y/N?” Matty asks politely.

“Sure” You smile and poke your tongue out at Shawn before spinning around to get some distance between yourself and them. You wanted a full body shot of them. You needed this content in your life and you were sure the fans did as well.

You took one of Matty and Shawn together and then took one of the all of them and Shawn once Matty had shouted them over. They were great pictures and you would most definitely drool at them later.

Ross was fucking beautiful in person and Matty was just as flirty as you imagined. Adam and George were just as adorable as you dreamt as well. “Can you please airdrop me these?” You asked Matty as you handed him his phone back.

He did as you asked and airdropped you the photos and just after that you parted ways. You went and got all of your stuff from the tables and headed to the after party so you and Shawn could drink the night away.

You both decided that you would only be having a few glasses of wine at the actual awards and you would save the partying for later. Which you definitely did.

The after party was grand and Shawn make a big effort not to leave your side. The only time you left him was when you needed to get some air and he’d started chatting to Calvin Harris.

You insisted that you were okay to go alone, and Shawn put his jacket around your shoulders. “To keep you warm” Shawn smiles and then turned back to Calvin after again double checking you were okay.

You quickly went and grabbed another drink and then went outside. You didn’t particularly want to stand in the smoking area but that seemed like the fastest option for you to get outside.

You walked out the doors and went over to the far corner and lent against the wall. You welcomed the cold bricks the you could feel through Shawn’s jacket; they instantly brought your temperature back down.

It was just too warm with all the people in the room. Shawn standing with his arm around you all night also gave you the extra body heat you really didn’t want.

Thankfully the people outside seemed to be intrigued by the people around them or their cigarettes. You got your moment alone and you quietly nursed your large white wine.

After a few minutes of you people watching you spotted a few familiar faces. Ross and Matty has just come outside and you smiled at them.

They returned your smile and made their way over to join you. “Shawn finally left you on your own?” Matty asked lighting his cigarette.

You let out a little laugh and shook your head. “It’s just too warm in there, needed a minute outside”

Ross lit his cigarette and then opened the pack towards you to offer you one. “No thanks”

“Are you both as pure as each other?” Matty asked with a chuckle.

You laughed as well and nodded “Pretty much”

You stood chatting to them for a few minutes and Gabriella Brooks, Matty’s girlfriend came and joined you. Matty introduced you and she was lovely.

Even prettier than she was in the pictures that she posted. You all chatted for what seemed for a long time and then Matty blurred out.

“So how long have you been in love with Shawn” Matty asked and you nearly spat your drink out.

“Erm... I not” You nervously laughed. You honestly didn’t. Your crush had been and gone. It died out when you were nearly 17.

You’d had 2 long term boyfriends since then and hadn’t thought about Shawn that way since.

“Well how longs he loved you then? Because he clearly does” Matty stayed taking another drag of his cigarette.

“He definitely doesn’t, not like that anyway. We’re just friends” You say before taking a big gulp of your wine.

“Righttt... So that’s why he hasn’t put you down all night?” Matty chuckles. “And why you have that on?” He reiterated, pointing with his cigarette towards Shawn’s grey blazer.

You shook your head laughing “Definitely not like that”

Matty held his hands up in defence “Hey don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just putting things together”

You heard Gabriella say his name sternly, but you were actually intrigued to hear his bizarre theory. Matty told you that he’d seen how you both interacted.

When you move, he moves and the same goes for you. The way you messed around with each other and Matty had seen Shawn’s face when people had started flirting with you.

“Seems like you’re keeping a close eye on us” You pointed out and Matty let out a laugh.

“You’re a big fan, right?” He asked and you nodded. “So, you’ve heard one hundred and two?”

“Of course,” you said, nodding again.

“Then you know that I liked a friend when I was your age. And don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about how my life turned out now” He said wrapping an arm around Gabby’s waist.

“But at the time I hated myself about not saying anything. If I didn’t have Gabby now, I’d regret it till this day for not telling the girl” Matty told you honestly.

“So just pay a little close attention and you’ll see it” Matty’s said and you nodded.

“Anyway... slighter subject” Ross interrupted and took your attention.

“What’s your favourite song of ours then?” Ross smiled down at you.

“Antichrist” You said without any hesitation.

Ross started laughing and Matty blatantly told you to fuck off. You and Gabby laughed at that and she said a quick goodbye to you as she was going to find someone.

“No if I’m being honest my favourite to dance to is The Sound, my favourite to scream to is Ballard but my favourite to sit down and listen to is Falling For You” You told them both honestly.

Ross nodded seeming to appreciate your opinion. Matty started to chuckle and you looked at him expectantly, waiting for another joke to be thrown your way. The look said, ‘What now?’

“What?” Matty asked. “It’s just poetic, your favourite song is Falling For You and you’re in the exact same situation”

Your drunken mind wanted to hide yourself away and because Ross resided next to you, you thought it would be good to hide into him. You groaned at Matty’s stubbornness and lent into Ross’ chest.

You felt him laugh against you and enclose you in a hug which at this point you really needed. You snaked your arms around Ross’ body and returned the hug.

The last thing you needed was to start rereading into Shawn’s interactions with you. You rarely got to spend enough time with him as it was, the last thing you needed was to overanalyse your actions.

After a few seconds you looked up at Ross and asked, “Can you make him stop please?”

“I could try but I doubt he’d listen” Ross said loosening his grip on you but when you turned back to Matty you both still had an arm around each other.

“Maybe we should just leave him on his own” You suggested. Ross grinned down at you and nodded his head “That sounds very good to me”

“Oh, get a room” Matty scoffed, which caused you and Ross to turn and look at him.

You couldn’t stop smiling when you said “Maybe we will…” You shrugged your shoulders and looked up at Ross who raised his eyebrows suggestively at you. You saw a blush creep up his face as well, probably to match yours.

“As long as you don’t follow us” You continued looking back towards Matty.

After Matty stuck his tongue out at you, you heard your name being called from behind you. You turned your head and saw Shawn walking towards you.

In your drunken state you didn’t see Shawn’s face go from being extremely excited to see you to the smile falling off his face. But Matty did. Matty wasn’t drinking.

He noticed that Shawn had seen you, then noticed that Ross’ arm that was around you. “What you doing out here?” Shawn asked you cheerfully.

“Just redeeming myself from you embarrassing me earlier” You said pushing his shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m just trying to set her up with Ross and it’s going well” Matty laughed.

You rolled your eyes but went along with it. You looked up at Ross and both exchanged a knowing look understanding what Matty was up to.

“They look great together right Shawn?” Matty asked, pointing his cigarette towards you.

You noticed the smile saver on Shawn’s face. “I mean...” Shawn said running a hand threw his hair. “Y-Yeah” Shawn said with a half-smile.

You did notice that Shawn looked uncomfortable with the situation and you saw Matty send you a wide eyed look that screamed ‘Told you so’.

A slightly awkward silence came across your little group which made you down the rest of your wine. “Well I need another drink” You announced.

“Thank you both for keeping me company” You said smiling towards Matty and then Ross.

“Not a problem” Ross said before embracing you in a hug and kissed your cheek before letting you go. You then looked towards Matty who now raised his arms at you.

You grinned at him and gave him a hug. He whispered in your ear “Just think about it” before kissing your cheek then releasing you. You shook your head smiling at him and moved back next to Shawn.

You felt his hand immediately find your hip and he kept his hand resting there. Your blurry mind like the way he held you. It was strong and you felt protected. You needed to stop though you couldn’t let your mind go there again.

Matty had really pulled a number on you. “See you guys in June” You smiled and raised your empty glass at them as a wave goodbye.

“We’ll be sure to do your favourite song for you Y/N” Matty smirked at you taking another drag of his cigarette. You shook your head and tried not to laugh.

“I expect Antichrist as well then” You joked and Matty and Ross started laughing. Matty laughed loud and said “Fuck off”

You and Shawn laughed at that and then Shawn said with a smile “Thanks for keeping her company guys” The other boys waved him off and said it wasn’t a problem

You felt his hand grasp your hip slightly tighter and he looked down at you and said “Lets get you another drink”

Shawn turned the both of you around and you turned your head back to say the final goodbye to the boys. As you waved you noticed that Matty was sarcastically waving but also blowing teasing kisses at both you and Shawn.

Thankfully your best friend hadn’t turned back around like you had so your quickly turned your wave into a middle finger. You saw Ross start laughing as you and Shawn turned the corner and drank the night away.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After that night everything returned to normal fairly quickly. You went back to your quiet student life in Toronto and got your final year finished up.

Your anxiety went through the roof whilst you were getting everything sorted but you had Shawn to thank for getting you through it. Shawn was on his European tour and you had no idea how he had the time for you, but he made sure he did.

He called you every 24 hours and you seemed to be getting each other through the stressful times in your lives. You and Shawn sort of helped each other out with your anxieties growing up.

You distracted each other and that was best for both of you. You really don’t know how you actually got through the past few years not calling or texting him when you were almost having a panic attack.

Whilst at College the panic attacks happened more frequently and most of the time you felt alone in the world. Sure, you had your friends in your classes, but Shawn was the one that helped with your anxieties. And you helped him though his.

You remembered his first tour. You were calming him down all the time during that. Whether it was sitting on the phone in silence to each other or talking him through it. You were there for each other.

After the after party at the Brits you desperately tried to erase Matty’s words from your mind, but on more than one occasion, you let yourself think about it. You over analysed everything down to the finest detail about the way Shawn said something or whether it had a deeper meaning.

You found that doing that led you to start panicking because you desperately didn’t want to lose your best friend over misreading his behaviour. So, you tried let it go.

If letting it go meant that you thought about it more and more as each day passed, then you’d let it go. It was only on occasion that you panicked over it.

Before you knew it, you were spending your College free days in bed watching Netflix. That was until April 21st when Shawn returned back home. However, the only thing that changed there was that Shawn joined you and you binged watched a few shows with him for the month he was back home.

You both obviously got on like a house on fire. The jokes were endless and so was the fun. Sometimes you caught yourself thinking about if Shawn liked you as more than a friend or not, and you let yourself day dream about it.

Before you knew it though, you found yourself in the same predicament that you were in when you were 16. Your crush on your best friend came back and you hated yourself for it.

You found yourself not wanted to let go of his hand when he held it, or not want to go back to your own apartment when you really had to. At one point you thought he was going to kiss you and you found that you were disappointed when he didn’t.

Thankfully as the days turned into weeks, you found that you were able to distract yourself more by your concert getting closer and closer. You saw online what the concerts looked like and you were so beyond excited.

It looked amazing. The visuals looked outstanding and obviously the live music was awesome. You found that on occasion you forgot that you’d actually met them. Despite your picture together being your home screen.

Before you knew it was the morning of June 3rd and you ran into Shawn’s bedroom and jumped on him. “Get up, get up, get up!”

“It’s Matty fucking Healy day and I’m ready to get fucked up” You said practically shaking Shawn to get up.

Shawn groaned and grabbed a hold of you, rolling you underneath him. You let out a yelp as he did so and you both started laughing.

Shawn hovered over the top of you with a big smile on his face. You couldn’t take the smile off of your face and Shawn seemed to notice.

“I think you’re a little too excited to see them again… They’re not actually going to fuck you, you know?” Shawn said.

“Never say never, Ross seemed keen the last time” You joked, sticking your tongue out at him.

You also raised your eyebrows suggestively trying to get on his nerves. You let out a small laugh when you saw Shawn’s face fall and pull a disgusted face at you. “You know I’m sorta joking” You said with a grin, even though in reality you really wouldn’t say no because you were single and horny as fuck.

“But they are fucking beautiful and I can’t wait for my favourite songs” You said with your grin getting surprisingly bigger.

Shawn furrowed his eyebrows at you and said “You do know I’m a singer too right? I can sing you them songs”

“Oh yeah” You said sarcastically. “You don’t even know my favourite song though”

He pulled a face down at you that essentially said, ‘of course I do you idiot’. You looked at him expectantly and you sat yourself up crossing your arms as you waited for him to start.

The pyjama boy sat to the side of you and you only just now noted how cute he looked. He was wearing red pyjama pants that had a tartan pattern and had a plain white top on. His hair was also everywhere and that somehow made him look even better.

“Well I know when you’re around cause I know the sound, I know the sound of your heart” Shawn sang and filled his room with his amazing voice.

He looked towards you triumphantly, but you shook your head at him and his face fell. “What do you mean that’s not you favourite! We always danced and sang to that one?”

“I mean my favourite deep in my soul” You said resting a hand over your chest and Shawn sat there for a few seconds looking at you in disbelief.

“I can’t believe my best friend doesn’t know my favourite The 1975 song” You said shaking your head and getting up off his bed. You needed to get ready for the day ahead. You needed to look your best.

You knew it was their last stop on their North America tour so if there was any night where you could get Ross’ attention and keep it for the night it would be this one. You needed to look amazing, not that you really thought you had a shot, but it was definitely worth a try.

“Wait, I can get this” Shawn said running a hand through his wavy hair.

“No, you’re a fucking let down, I’m getting ready” You said leaving his room.

A few hours later you were ready and waiting to go. You were freshly showered and shaved, and you had your concert outfit on. It was a warm day, so you decided to go for something slightly extra than what you were used to.

You wore black ripped skinny jeans with black fishnets underneath and you made sure they came above the waistband of your jeans to show off you were wearing them. You wore a sexy black and red bralette and a black mesh top over the top of that, so people knew you weren’t playing. To finish off your look for the day, you wore your black Vans and your camouflage jacket over the top.

Your makeup was fairly simple. You went for a winged eyeliner that made your Y/E/C eyes stand out and applied your favourite matte red lipstick. You decided to straighten your hair in hopes that the heat wouldn’t make you look like a complete mess by the time the concert was finished.

When you’d finished completely you felt pretty for the first time since the Brits and you couldn’t wait to do your pre-concert traditions with Shawn. When you came out of your room you found him on his sofa with his feet resting on his coffee table.

“Y/N I do know what your favourite song is” He said without looking up from his phone.

“Oh yeah?” You said, picking up an apple from the kitchen island and taking a bite. Shawn started singing the chorus to fallingforyou and you smiled at him whilst he sang.

He was so utterly enticed by whatever he was doing on his phone and you were enticed by his amazing voice. He finished the final “I’m fallin’ for you” and looked up at you.

You smiled at him before taking another bite of your apple, but you noticed Shawn’s jaw drop slightly and take in your appearance. Something about Shawn changed quickly when you said “Very good”

It was like he was jolted awake and he stood up in front of you. You’d only just now noticed what he was wearing.

He was wearing his white top that had Heaven written on the front, with his black jeans and his black boots. If you weren’t his best friend, you would have seriously believed that he slept in those boots because he never went out in anything else.

“You look amazing Y/N/N” Shawn smiled at you, you noticed that he looked nervous for some unknown reason, but you dismissed yourself. You really needed to stop reading into things.

He looked stunning to say the least and you noticed the sunglasses that were hooked around the collar of his top. “Thanks, not so bad yourself Mendes” You joked.

“What are those for?” You questioned, walking closer to him and tugging slightly on his shades.

“Ah” Shawn said, and he reached over to the side of the sofa and picked up his black zip up hoodie. You ate your apple as you watched him struggle to put his jacket on and almost poked his eyes out with his glasses.

He threw his hood up and said “What do you think? Think anyone will recognise me?”

“I’d see you coming from a mile away” You laughed. “But that’s because I know you so well, you’ll be fine… If anyone starts just jump over the barrier at the front and someone will save you”

Shawn laughed at that and within the next hour you and Shawn were doing your pre-concert tradition. You found yourself sat in the nearest Five Guys which is just something you both did the last few times you’d been to concerts.

You usually just chilled out in there for hours before the concert started. Not for any reason other than boredom but this time after an hour Shawn cut your visit short.

“Ready to go” Shawn said wiping his face with a napkin then scrunching it up and throwing it at you. He laughed when it hit your unsuspecting face.

“I hate you” You giggled, shaking your head at him. You threw it back at him and laughed more when it bounced off his nose.

“Nah you don’t” Shawn said standing up and putting his hoodie back on.

You stood up as well and started to slip your jacket on. As you did though you heard someone cat call from the table near yours. You’d noticed the guy looking your way a few times whilst he was eating.

He looked about your age, but you found the staring quite creepy. He looked quite cute. Dark curly hair, blue eyes and a very nice jawline, it was almost as good as Shawn’s. He would have been cute if he hadn’t been staring at you.

You rolled your eyes and just pretended that you didn’t hear it and pulled your hair out from underneath your jacket. Thankfully it seemed like Shawn didn’t hear it and he was too focused on making sure he had everything.

“You ready?” Shawn asked from across the table and you smiled nodding at him.

Shawn smiled at your before he turned around and started walking to the door. He knew you were a few paces behind him, and he couldn’t wait to show you your surprise.

As you started walking to follow Shawn, you heard a louder catcall this time and when you just carried on walking until you felt a hand hit your ass.

You practically jumped a foot forward before turning back around to face the fucker who just slapped you. “The fuck do you think you’re doing?” You shouted at the brunette sat down. You saw red and you weren’t going to put up with it.

“Aw come on babe lighten up” The guy said looking up at you as if he was innocent.

You felt heard Shawn walk up behind you and you heard him asked what’s going on. “Oh fuck off” You said to the guy before you turned around and pushed on Shawns chest trying to get some distance between him and the guy.

“He slapped my ass” You murmured to him continuing to move him towards the door. As soon as Shawn heard that though he started pushing against you and said a very loud “What” You desperately tried to calm him down, but he ended up moving the both of you half way back to the guy.

You didn’t want the idiot to ruin your day, you could tell that Shawn was steaming underneath those sunglasses. “Shawn please can we just go” You pleaded to him and he looked down at you and after letting out a deep breath he agreed.

“Awh no the nice view is leaving. Come back honey” The guy yelled at you. You don’t know why he carried on because now there were more people telling him to stop from all around you. Before you even knew what was happening, Shawn had side-stepped you and was shouting at the guy.

“Don’t you fucking dare talk about my girl like that you fucking asshole. You don’t have the right to speak to anyone like that so why don’t you just fuck off back to whatever hole you crawled out of” Shawn shouted at the guy towering over him.

You were pulling on Shawn’s hand begging him to come away from the guy. “Shawn” You said over and over again during his rant. You were grateful he was sticking up for you, but you just wanted to escape with him.

Shawn seemed to realise your hand clasped his because as soon as he was finished with his speech, he marched out of the place with you following along behind him. You both walked towards the side of the building where Shawn continued his rant, but your brain wasn’t processing it properly.

You had never seen him so angry in your entire life. He was practically pulling his hair out in anger and he wouldn’t stop pacing from side to side. Shawn wouldn’t stop ranting at you and you didn’t know how to make him stop.

All you did was repeat “Hey” a few times softly trying to make him calm down and listen to you. That didn’t seem to be working very well and he was still pacing.

You walked up to him and said “Hey” a bit louder. He was still shouting to no one in particular and not paying attention to you, so you ended up grabbing the back of his neck to try and make him look down at you.

“Shawn look at me” You said softly trying to gently pull his head round to look at you. Shawn seemed to calm down after a few seconds and you could slightly see through his shades that you now had his attention.

“Are you okay?” Shawn said sincerely. You could hear the anger in his voice, but you knew it wasn’t directed at you.

“Shawn I’m fine, I promise” You said releasing a breath that you didn’t know you’d been holding.

“I’m sorry that I let that fucker touch you” Shawn said hugging you. You hugged yourself into him and wrapped your arms around his neck considering they were already there.

“It’s not your fault” You murmured against him and you felt him squeeze you tighter. The hug lasted a solid minute and when you slowly released each other you felt the pull between the both of you.

You didn’t know what it was, but it felt like a weird connection and you wanted to kiss him. You looked up to him and cursed his sunglasses.

Usually you could tell what Shawn was thinking when you looked into his eyes. But because of the sunglasses you were stumped.

If he was looking at your lips, then you’d know that he felt it too. Of course, you moved away from him, you didn’t need to read into things today of all days.

Shawn cleared his throat and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Thankfully he looked as if he’d calmed down a lot and ready to get on the move.

“Ready for ice cream Mendes” You said starting to walk down the street.

Shawn walked next to you and nudged your shoulder “Always”. He smiled down at you and continued “We’ll have to take it and go though, I have a surprise”

You turned and gave Shawn a suspicious look. “What?” Shawn said innocently raising his hands.

“It’s all good I promise” Shawn said throwing an arm around your shoulder and you walked to the closest ice cream parlour.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You’d treated yourself to two ice creams because of the trauma that you and Shawn had just been through. By the time you got to your surprise you were onto your second ice cream.

At this point you were both walking into the arena through a private entrance, so you were pretty certain you knew what your surprise was. You couldn’t stop grinning and Shawn couldn’t stop talking the piss out of you for it.

He knew that since the last time you met them your little crush on Ross had turned into a bigger one. You hadn’t stopped telling Shawn about your flirting with Ross when you got back to the hotel that night in England.

You were so excited to see them all again. You just hoped Matty didn’t bring anything up.

As you were both escorted by a security guard through the building you were trying to remain calm. “Do I look okay?” You asked Shawn, running your free hand through your hair.

“They’re just through there” The guard told you pointing to a doorway that was just down the hall. You hear music being played and you could hear that it was There’s a Honey by Pale Waves. You assumed that they were doing their sound check.

As you both carried on walking Shawn told you “You look perfect” You smiled up at him and before you knew it you were bombarded with cheers as you walked through the doorway.

You and Shawn walked into the arena and the band who were sat on the ground immediately got up to greet you. Matty went to Shawn first and they did that bro hug that always made you want to laugh.

You could just about hear Matty thanking him for the ‘iconic underpants’ he sent him with the promotional gift for the release of ‘If I Can’t Have You’. You loved yours when it arrived and played it on repeat for days.

“Hey” Ross said, distracting you.You repeated it back to him, almost like you were surprised to see him. You gave him a one-armed hug because you didn’t want to get ice cream all over him.

“Lovely to see you” You grinned at him. You hugged Adam who now stood next to Ross but as you did so Ross took your ice cream out of your hand.

“You can have it if you want” You told him, and his face lit up before he started eating it.

“You don’t look very vanilla” Ross said looking up and down at your attire.

“Never vanilla for you Ross” You grinned and moved on to quickly hug George.

You eventually got around to Matty and he looked at you for a moment before hugging you. “You look amazing again, trying to impress someone?” Matty said over the music.

You couldn’t help but let out a giggle and say “Yeah… but not who you’re thinking of” You let your eyes wonder over Matty’s shoulder until your eyes met Ross’.

You smiled brightly at him and then looked back towards Matty who’s eyes were now wide with amusement. You grinned and brushed past him and went over to talk to Ross again.

After a moment you were all grouped together again and were chatting away. “I can’t believe you all let us both come this early” You said to them.

“Well I thought we could get drinks with them first” Shawn told you hugging you from behind wrapping his arms around your neck.

You craned your head up to try and look at him and said “Well aren’t you a cutie”

Shawn laughed down at you and released you. “What do you wanna drink, I’ll go grab it?”

“Surprise me” You smiled at him and watched as he walked off towards the bar.

When you looked back towards the group you noticed that Matty was looking at you with amusement on his face. You shook your head and walked towards him.

“I actually hate you for what you said that day” You told him trying not to smile.

You were failing miserably though because Matty’s grin was getting bigger and bigger. “You like him, don’t you?” Matty asked excitedly.

“Shut the fuck up” You hushed him. “Oh my god you do!” Matty practically yelled and you were so thankful the music had just started up again.

“Yeah now I need to get over that, thanks to you” You said shaking your head, but almost laughing.

“Oh my, that’s why trying to get onto Ross” Matty said running a hand through his curly hair. “Mate, how can you not see that your man right there is in love with you”

“You’re deluded” You laughed. Shawn came back over with your favourite drink a few minutes later and you smiled up at him “You know me so well”

Before you knew it, it was almost time for them to leave you as the gates were being opened for the public shortly. You’d just said bye to Matty, and you noticed that he had pulled Shawn away to the side.

You tried to hear what he was saying to him, but he was too far away, and the other boys now had most of your attention. All you saw was Shawn looking round at you from time to time and you sent a big smile his way. He returned it but you couldn’t make out what he was saying. Your lip-reading skills were poor.

You said goodbye to them all and you walked over to Shawn and said, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah” Shawn said and you both started walking back over to the bar. You ordered you and Shawn another drink and then made your way over to the very front of the stage.

After taking a sip of your drink you realised that without any prompt you and Shawn were stood in your usual concert position with him behind you, despite no one else yet being around. You turned around and lent against the barrier so you could chat to Shawn.

He looked down at you and smiled and you grinned up at him, very excited for the concert. You had waited so long for it that you couldn’t wait, you were so thankful that Shawn had rearranged his tour dates so you could both be here right now.

“Are you prepared to be bombarded with people running to get to the front?” You asked smiling.

Shawn shook his head looking around the arena area, “Nah, but it should be fun”

“Of course it will, just protect me” You joke “And don’t let me get crushed against this barrier please” You smile before taking another drink.

Shawn lent forward and clasped the barrier either side of you “I’ll keep you boxed in like this then” Shawn laughed which caused you to join in.

A second later you both heard commotion coming from the entrance and you and Shawn shared a look that said ‘Here we go’.

“Better get these back on” You said taking his sunglasses off the collar of his shirt. He smiled as you put them on for him and you both laughed when you almost poked his eye out.

You turned back around, and you patiently waited for your favourite band to come back into view.

You and Shawn had a good time listening to No Rome and Pale Waves when they came on and Shawn kept on pointing things out that impressed him.

Once Pale Waves went off through you knew it wouldn’t be long until the concert started. Daylight was fading fast and there was a faint breeze that swirled among the tightly packed people around you.

You’d taken your jacket off and tied it round your waist because you knew that soon enough, you’d be jumping around. Shawn could feel you buzzing with energy, he’d didn’t remember the last time he saw you this excited and he liked that this evening the smile had never left your face.

“Shawn if they do my favourite you can’t laugh at me if I cry” You tell him. Shawn laughs and wraps his arms around your shoulders again trapping you in a hug.

“No promises” Shawn said, and you couldn’t help but laugh.

Within the next hour The 1975 had come on and you were having the time of your life. You hadn’t stopped screaming along to their songs and you were dancing along to the bops that they were playing.

Soon enough the boys seemed like they needed a bit of a break so Matty was keeping the crowd entertained with his witty humour. Matty was pacing from one side of the stage to the other and the crowd was screaming up at him around him. He was chatting about what the tour had been like and you happily listened along.

It was quite interesting to get another artists view of their tour because you only ever heard Shawn’s stories. As much as you loved those stories, you were in need of some diversity.

After a minute or two music started playing out of the speakers again but low enough for Matty to keep chatting away. “Right now everyone” Matty announced before clearing his throat.

“This next one is for a friend of ours… I’ve been assured that this is her favourite” Matty told everyone still travelling from one side of the stage to another.

The crowd cheered along, and Shawn lent down and said into your ear “Don’t cry on me now”

You turned your head to look up at him and smiled “No promises” He smiled down at you and you turned back around as Matty continued on to say “See she can relate to this song very personally and she’ll hate me for telling you all that but ohh wellllll”

The crowd around you screamed along but you were frozen still. Partly from what Matty just said but also due to the fact that you were finally going to see it live after listening to it for years.

The song started playing properly and Matty quickly said “Enjoy Y/N” and the crowd around you erupted.

Matty walked towards the middle of the stage in front of you and winked down at you. You smiled back up and softly sang the opening lyric “What time you comin’ out”

As the song continued to play you found yourself leaning back against Shawn as you did with most slow songs that had been played tonight. Your heart was beating rapidly from the adrenaline in the system and you were softly singing along with your favourite song.

You could hear Shawn’s voice behind you singing the lyrics beautifully like always. You loved listening to him sing, whether it was his songs or someone else. You were beyond grateful you were his friend and could listen to him sing anything you wanted. All you had to do was ask.

You were preparing yourself for your favourite part of the song and couldn’t wait to finally hear it live. You had already told yourself you wouldn’t sing it as you wanted the full experience to live in the moment of the song and just enjoy it.

As you swayed along to the music you felt Shawn’s hands rest on your hips which you didn’t mind about. You let yourself enjoy the feeling of him being pressed against you and you lent on him more.

As your favourite lyric was about to come out of Matty’s mouth, you felt a different mouth lightly kiss your neck. At first you felt yourself panic slightly not knowing if Shawn had done that purposefully or not. But with you felt another kiss you let yourself go.

“I don’t wanna be your friend. I wanna kiss your neck” Matty sang loudly. 

You tilted your head to the side and closed your eyes as Shawn kissed your neck again but this time it was with more pressure like he wasn’t afraid to do it anymore. The first were testers but this was the real deal.

He started sucking on your neck and you couldn’t help but tilt your head back and rest it against his shoulder. You were in heaven. You brought your hand up and interlaced your fingers in the back of Shawn’s hair and pulled him closer so he couldn’t go anywhere.

Shawn started trailing kisses further up your neck up until his lips left your skin and you were both looking at each other. Shawn’s glasses had fallen down his nose and you could see his eyes. You could see the vulnerability in them but also a hint of hope.

He was searching yours and all he could think of was how beautiful they looked. You looked down towards his lip that had just graced your neck and you were hungry for them to be attached to yours.

After looking at his plump lips for a second to long you looked back up to his eyes and just thought ‘fuck it’. You lent towards them and attached your lips to his as Matty sang out the final “I think I’m falling, I’m falling for you”

Shawn reacted immediately and kissed you back with just a bit more force than you were giving, and you loved it. You turned around whilst still kissing him and wrapped your arms around his neck.

Shawn wrapped his arms around your back, so you were pressed against him completely. You could hear the crowd cheering around you as the song ended but your attention was on Shawn’s movements.

You’re surprised that it didn’t feel weird, you were sharing the best kiss of your life with your best friend. It was exhilarating and the best experience of your life. You’d dreamed of this moment when you were a teenager and over the past month and it was better than you could have ever imagined.

Shawn must have felt you smiling into the kiss because a second later his tongue ran over your bottom lip. You let out a little laugh before opening you mouth wider and the next thing you knew Shawn’s tongue was in your mouth.

You heard the crowd quiet down slightly but that didn’t stop you. The next thing you heard though was Matty’s voice over the speakers and it boomed “Oh wow, ohh wow”

“Y/N, love, you better thank me later” Matty yelled and the crowd burst into cheers again despite having no idea that he was speaking about you. You and Shawn parted and started laughing obviously hearing what Matty had said.

You pecked his lips once more before you attempted to turn around, but Shawn pecked your lips a few more times before he let you. When you did though you found that Matty was on the stage directly in front of you.

He looked down at you and you laughed up at him. He cockily asked down at you “Did you enjoy that?”

The crowd screamed around you thinking the question was directed at everyone, but you knew it was just for you two. You eagerly nodded up at him and he winked down at you, he turned towards the back of the stage and said “George you owe me twenty quid… Thanks Y/N”

You couldn’t help but let out a laugh and Shawn did the same. His laugh rang down your ear up and you turned your head to look at him again and he wrapped his arm around your waist so he was hugging you from behind. You rested your hands on top of his and smiled as he lent down to peck your lips again.

“Let’s give the love birds out there another song to get off to” Matty said as Medicine started to play.

You and Shawn started swaying to the music gently and you couldn’t take the smile off your face. You felt Shawn lean down and say in your ear “If you haven’t guessed I like you”

You laughed and looked round at him. You put your hand to the back of his neck to try and bring him closer to you so he’ll hear you say “I like you too, a lot”

When you moved away Shawn had a massive smile on his face, and you couldn’t help but laugh at it. “Yeah?” He questioned you and you nodded up at him, biting your lip.

Shawn let out a chuckled and leaned down and kiss your lips a few more times. Each time you responded more eagerly and before you knew it you were making out with him again as if an hour ago you were just best friends and you weren’t currently surrounded by thousands of people.

Shawn chuckled pulling away and said “I think I like you a bit more than I let on. Y/N I wanna date you and I know that we’re meant to be best friends but I can’t stop thinking about you and I ca...”

You cut him off. You knew when he was over thinking and at this moment in time you didn’t want to over think what you were. Your lips on his distracted you both and you were only distracted by the screams intensifying around you.

You pulled away when you couldn’t hear music playing anymore and when you turned around Matty was at the barrier directly in front of you with everyone else trying to grab at him but you.

You and Shawn started laughing seeing Matty in front of you like that. He looked bored as if he was waiting for you to stop which made you laugh more.

“Are you two done now?” Matty asked and the crowd around you laughed. You bit your lip and nodded.

“You two dating now?” Matty asked and you looked up towards Shawn for the briefest moment and smiled before nodding back at Matty.

He had a big smile on his face when you said “Yeah”, and the crowds screamed when he said a little “Yay” into the microphone.

“Okay love birds, the concerts going back in full swing now so put each other down and enjoy” Matty said before ruffling your hair and then running back on stage.

Love Me started to blare out of the speakers and you went wild again. You and Shawn sang and danced the rest of the night away.

After that day you found yourself the happiest you had ever been. You and Shawn were extremely happy. After the concert you’d both gone home to Shawn’s house and you told Karen as she was still awake.

She caught you both as you walked in kissing, than you both telling her. She was shocked to see it at first, but the smile quickly grew on her face and she was overjoyed for you both.

By the time The 1975 next toured in Toronto it was 3 years later and you and Shawn were still happily together. You’d moved into his apartment and made it cosy whilst he was away.

You travelled around the world with him and supported him when he needed it. You’d never tire of cheering your boyfriend on and singing his songs. You loved him with the whole of your heart, and he loved you just the same.

You’d met up with the band again before their concert and you all had a quick meal together. You’d gone easy on the drinks this time and enjoyed your time with them. You’d met a lot of people from being friends with Shawn, but these guys were by far your favourite.

They were just too nice and seemed like they didn’t have a care in the world apart from their music. You loved that and you knew Shawn did too. Matty promised you that he would sing your favourite song again and he didn’t disappoint.

You were at the front of the crowd again in the perfect spot. You’d lent yourself back against Shawn and happily let Matty sing you the song.

You watched as Matty walked in front of you and he smiled down at the both of you. He nodded his head in recognition down at you and you just smiled back up.

A second later Shawn has twisted you around in his arms and kissed you quickly. He tasted of the mint ice-cream that you’d eaten earlier, and you were in your own personalised heaven.

You smiled into the kiss and you don’t think that you could ever be happier than you were right now. But you were mistaken.

A moment later Shawn was on one knee looking up at you and you were shell shocked. You stared at him with a hand over your mouth looking down at the diamond ring he was holding.

You heard people around you gasping and lights from their phones shining on your faces but in that moment,  you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Shawn mouthed ‘Marry me’ up at you and you nodded closing your eyes and letting stray tears fall.

You looked up at him through blurry eyes and kissed him once he’d slid the ring on your finger. You noticed as he took his sunglasses off his face and quickly lent down to kiss you that his eyes were also watery.

When his lips touched yours again, you were in pure bliss. You didn’t hear the screams around you or Matty finishing the song behind you. When you pulled away you were both pulled through the barrier that separated the crowd from the stage before the crowd could pounce on Shawn.

When you got through the barrier through you jumped up on Shawn and kissed him again. His hands under your thighs to keep you up and your arms and legs wrapped around his body to keep yourself up.

After you kissed him like that for a good few seconds you pulled away and shouted “I love you so much” so he could hear you.

Shawn laughed and put you back on the ground. He wiped the stray tear that fell and said, “I love you too darling” and pecked your lips again before looking up at the stage.

You turned your attention to the stage as well and saw Matty standing just above you. He had a huge smile on his face, and he got down on his knees and said “Congratulations you guys” into the microphone.

The crowd went mental and you could hear people screaming for Shawn and Matty. You laughed at the bizarreness of it, but you loved it non the less. This was literally your teenage dream come true.

You hugged Shawn and lent into his chest as you looked up to Matty and shouted a “Thank you” up at him. Matty revved up the crowd to cheer for the both of you and you just hugged Shawn closer to you, not being used to having this sort of attention.

Shawn lent down and pecked your lips once more and you were so thankful that you could now spend the rest of your life with your best friend. After the crowd settled down to something Matty could again work with, he got up after giving both you and Shawn a high five.

As he went back business and the beginning of the next song started playing you looked to Shawn again and repeated how much you loved him. Shawn did the same back to you and you lent on his chest hugging him to you as you took in the music.

You were content and now you had never been happier in your entire life. There was only happiness to come in the both of your lives from that moment on and you couldn’t wait to see how the rest of your lives played out together.

Before Matty started singing, he quickly shouted back over to the both of you “I better be invited to the fucking wedding Mendes!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Taglist: @lololovestaylor @the-girl-before @cynicallystiles @lady-grinningsoul 

Let me know if you have any requests x

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes x reader #matty healy #matty healy x reader #shawn #mendes #shawn mendes one shot #Shawn Mendes Imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes x you #shawn mendes x y/n #matty the 1975 #matty healy fanfic #matty healy imagine #the 1975 #the 1975 imagine #Ross Macdonald #george daniel #Adam Hann #the 1975 blurb

[harry-leroy]

Opera 2020: The Tempest (2/99)

My Rating: (4.75/5) 

Continuing on this track with some notes on Thomas Adès’s The Tempest! I got this opera DVD in November and finally got around to watching it just before I headed back to school (because I brought my DVD player extension home with me for break and I was going to use it over break goshdangit). The performance I watched was one from 2012, starring Sir Simon Keenlyside as Prospero. 

                                                            * * *

Okay, so I got this opera from my university’s library in November so I could possibly use it when I was working on a Tempest paper last semester. That did not happen (which is fine), but it was really interesting to be able to look at some points in Shakespeare’s text that I touched on in my paper and see how the opera addressed them. 

One of those things was Prospero’s lack of specificity in his commands towards Ariel in Shakespeare’s text. I used this to create the argument that Ariel might have had some freedom in how he enacted Prospero’s wishes, and in addition to the fact that I felt like it was unclear between Prospero and Ariel who really had more skill, I argued that it was through music that Ariel takes his form of agency. (I use “he/him” pronouns for Ariel based on the one reference to a pronoun which Ariel uses in 1.2. - “task Ariel and all his quality”). Additionally, I feel like this lack of specificity in command also creates an air of suspense in the audience. We don’t know when Ariel is going to show up again, and we certainly do not know what he is going to do once he is made “like a nymph o’th’sea”. His songs are unexpected, though necessary points of dramatic movement. 

In Adès’s opera, these commands are explicitly clear. Meredith Oakes’s libretto is not the original text, but does keep some of what I feel to be the play’s best lines (one that I remember is ‘this isle’s full of noises’ - which is a great line from a great speech in the text). So what happens in the opera is that we get a line in which Prospero says “bring Ferdinand to me”, which is a significant change from the original text in how that relationship works. Ariel does not seem to act without Prospero’s explicit commands in this opera, which could possibly make it seem that Ariel is even more constricted than he is in the original text. 

As for some other things about the changes between the opera and the original Shakespearean text, there were some pretty significant changes in the plot regarding Ferdinand and Miranda. They end up running away together at the end of the first half, Miranda defying her father’s wishes when we get “he is a Caliban” moment. And they literally (I’m not joking) run off into the sunset as the curtain closes for intermission. While I recognized it as a pretty significant change from the original, I didn’t actually mind it that much. I liked seeing Miranda (Isabel Leonard) having more agency; it certainly felt more in line with the kind of young woman she is painted to be in the text (one with a boy’s education, and one who could probably easily lift the logs that Ferdinand struggles to carry, tomboyish and more masculine than some other Shakespearean daughters). Ferdinand (Alek Shrader) was absolutely precious throughout the entire opera, and it was like the only thing I kept thinking about any time he was on stage - and as a side note, I’m definitely going to make gifsets because y’all need to see how precious he was. He certainly was no Caliban. 

Speaking of Caliban, I totally understand why Ian Bostridge played him in the original 2004 cast now. If you know anything about Ian Bostridge (or even just what he looks like), you might cast him as Ferdinand, especially in 2004 when he was a bit younger, or maybe even Antonio if he was slightly too old to play Ferdinand. Caliban might be the last thing on your mind (and it’s interesting to think about Caliban as a tenor as well, because you probably wouldn’t normally see a character like Caliban in that sort of voice role). But then again, Caliban’s role in this opera was changed to one of a dispossessed prince. His struggles and his narrative voice, while he does play Prospero’s foe, fit within a tenor’s character. It makes even more sense when you think about the kind of stuff Bostridge likes to sing, Schubert and Britten seem to be his two favorites, so an angsty prince fits quite well (especially when you think about his long dedication to Schubert’s Winterreise - which is a terribly angsty tenor song cycle). I only mention Bostridge as the role was written with him in mind as playing Caliban. The role in this performance that I saw was played by Alan Oke, in which costuming was changed to be slightly more monstrous and less human-like than Bostridge’s. However, just listening to the libretto, I could definitely imagine it. 

Another change from the text was that the side-plot/backstory involving Claribel was taken out and replaced with another backstory involving an extravagant holiday that Alonso was taking along with many other members of court (which made up the chorus). I’m not sure whether I liked this change or not, though I suppose it makes Alonso look slightly more deplorable. It doesn’t seem to match up with the rest of his character though, especially in this opera, as he spends most of it lamenting for his son. 

Other notes on this performance: I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about Ariel in this opera, and her voice range was probably one of the reasons why I was unsure. It makes sense to cast a coloraltura soprano. The agility and skill that voice-type demands is fairly in-line with Ariel’s otherworldly magical qualities as a spirit. However, it was extremely difficult for me to understand the libretto because it was so high in register, so it helped to have subtitles on. That is nothing against Audrey Luna, who has a stunningly beautiful voice and her acting was also well done. It did get easier to understand her as the opera went on, but that first duet between Ariel and Prospero was certainly a bit difficult to get through. Additionally, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about the chorus. Shakespeare’s play isn’t something that requires one, and there’s a lot of intimacy in the play for having it take place on a deserted island. We get wonderful relationships that develop in that lonely island space, so the chorus kind of took that away for me. Finally, the second half felt a bit crunched-down, a bit rushed through (particularly Caliban’s assassination plot, Antonio and Sebastian’s assassination plot, and the masque that happens in 4.1.). I’m thinking that this was most likely because they spent so much time with Ferdinand and Miranda in the first half, but I’m not sure. 

On the whole, I really enjoyed this opera. I definitely recommend giving it a listen, and if you’re able to get your hands on a DVD of it, to do that as well! Especially if you are a fan of Shakespeare’s play. I adore The Tempest as a play, and this opera made me fall in love with the text all over again. I also recommend looking up pictures of Ian Bostridge as Caliban because it’s trippy and wild but makes so much sense once you’ve actually seen this opera. I would have loved to have the 2004 performance filmed. Next up on my list is Madama Butterfly, which I will continue watching tonight. 

#year of opera 2020 #the tempest (2004) #thomas adès #i loved this opera y'all #even though i've got some criticism about it #opera #classical music #(my rake's progress rating is a 5/5 if you couldn't tell by the last post #hehehe #on to madama butterfly!

[drv3imagines]

*fan girls to death* I’m gonna do my best to make this super duper gushy and fluffy! Also Happy (late) V3 Release Date everyone! (In North America…and Europe?)

L O N G P O S T A H E A D

Rantaro Amami * This probably occurs during the earlier stages of your relationship, most likely because of a loss track of time, or Rantaro convincing you. * Either way he was convinced you couldn’t go out in the dark at this hour. * He asks if there’s anything you need to help you sleep, getting anything you requested before prepping to go to bed. * When you regroup, you find he’s already lying in bed arms wide open, waiting for you to join him. * Not wanting to keep your prince charming waiting, you climb into bed with him, feeling his arms hold you close to his chest. * He whispers to you a mixture of sweet nothings and wishes of blissful dreams, his breath tickling the back of your neck. * He was attempting to lull you with that gorgeous voice of his. * The combination of the vibrations caused by his voice and the comfort of his bed were really rocking you to sleep, on top of that, he has a really warm and cozy scent. * The last thing you feel is the light kiss on your forehead, and a slight shift as he moves to turn off his lamp light.

Korekiyo Shinguuji * You’d spent the entire day at Korekiyo’s, helping him expand his research on sleep culture, and it was honestly putting you to sleep yourself. * However, your masked boyfriend failed to notice your fight to stay awake…until you face-planted right into the book you were reading. * It was no surprise to him. This was a normal thing, perhaps the sleep study was a bit dull, but beauty in humanity~ * Even as one drifts into a deep slumber, their minds continue to race…what thoughts could be going through one’s head as they try to chase sleep? * Perhaps, he should have studied dream culture instead. * After he finished his paragraph, he placed a bookmark in between the pages before gently closing the cover. * Kore then stood to his feet, silently creeping towards your side. * Careful not to wake you, he lifts you in his arms and heads to his room. * You looked quite peaceful curled up with a half-dreamy smile on your face, he felt as though he could watch you forever. * It was a hopeful thought, but he was sure you wouldn’t appreciate waking up to him bearing his gaze down on you, so he settled for something more rational. * He climbed into bed with you, lightly caressing your arm, before lowering his mask just a bit to give you a swift kiss on top of your head. * It didn’t take long before he too drifted off.

Kaito Momota * Movie nights at your house ARE. THE. BEST! * You bet your best star that Kaito is at you place in seconds, even if it was getting late into the night. * It wasn’t long before one movie turned to two, two to four, then you ended up watching your whole box set of older Disney movies. * Yikes! Was that the sun peaking through you shutters? * Whoops. * Both of you had burning red eyes from staying up all night, but it was worth seeing Cinderella III. * Kaito looked over at you, noticing how sleepy you looked and pulled his jacket off of the arm of the couch. * Laying it across your body, he watch as you snuggled into it. * He was really tired too, but first he was going to shift around some of you movie residue (empty popcorn bowl, opened DVD cases, etc). * Finally, he yawned and curled up, practically on top of you, wrapping his arms around your waist, not even lasting a heartbeat, before passing out.

Kokichi Ouma * He kept you out all friggin day long, claiming that every day’s gotta be fun or else it’s a waste. * Your excitable, childish boyfriend never seemed to run out of energy. * The park, a stop at his “headquarters,” a few phone pranks on your classmates, a visit to Shuuichi’s, a karaoke bar? That one was a bit of a weird experience you probably never wanna talk about again…but FINALLY! * You were at his front doorstep in a really dazed state. * Another step and you were sure you’d faint from exhaustion. * “Aw, nishishishishishi~ I had no idea I had worn you out that much~” * You don’t say…zzzz * You had fallen asleep right where you stood, all according to Kokichi’s plan~ * He’d get you as tired as possible, then get you to cuddle him to death so he won’t be lonely and miss you from your day’s previous activities. * Of course, that was a lie~ * He goes up behind you and gently nudges you to half-sleep walk to his bedroom, and lay you down in his bed. * He wouldn’t care if you were still in you day clothes or not, he’d just jump in right next to you and cuddle right up to your sleeping form, admiring how cute you looked. * Eventually, he’d whine to himself because he was getting pretty sleepy too, but he wanted more time to gawk~ uwu. Maybe tomorrow, *sigh*

Shuuichi Saihara * There was no way he’d ever let this “just happen,” he was too careful to wear you out enough to let you sleep at his place. And if he was at yours he would guide you to your bedroom, close the door and leave. * Hmm…💡‼️ * Shuuichi was never going to learn to be more intimate in a relationship if you didn’t teach him, so you devised a plan that would hopefully boost his confidence to take the lead. * It was another late afternoon that you two spent a day at your house, taking notes on a TV show featuring Sherlock Holmes, one of Shuuichi’s fictional faves. * You lightly remembered your plan, and decided that now was a better time than ever to enact it. * Your eyes began to flutter and your head would droop from time to time, before snapping right back up at the screen. * This didn’t go unnoticed of course by your boyfriend. Even though he was deep into the plot of the story, he would never ignore his s/o’s needs. * Following his usual routine, he helped you to your feet and guided you back to your room. Once in, he lied you down on your bed, and covered you with your blanket. * Before he had a chance to turn on his heel, you grabbed his hand and pulled him back. * “W-wha? S/o, are you alright?!” * “Sleep with me, Shuuichi…” * Commence total M E L T D O W N. * He tries to stammer out an excuse, but you held an iron grip on his wrist…eventually he backed down from his shyness. * He crawled on top of the cover on the other side of you and did his best to relax. You let go of his wrist, and traded it for his hand, hoping to calm some of his nerves down. * Eventually he calms, and you two stare at each other before sleep really does take over and you two fall asleep hand-in-hand.

Kiibo * Hoo boi! * Kiibo is so excited to sleep with s/o! * It was one of the objectives he had printed out as reference guide to being a good companion! * You figured this would come up as a question someday, but it caught you off-guard a little when he had randomly asked you out of no where in the middle of the daytime. * Kiibo looked so elated to finally having asked you such an important question, there was no way you could turn down such a lovable robot. * You figured a nap would be good practice for you two. But how was this supposed to work? * He’s a metal boy and you’re a soft fragile human, who’s skin would definitely feel the pinch caused by robot metal shifting to “simulate human sleeping behavior.” * Hmm… a single blanket wouldn’t be enough to protect you would it? * You decided to give it a shot, it wasn’t like you didn’t have plenty of time to try new things if this was too uncomfortable. * Your good boi was already waiting with a nice wooly blanket to protect that skin you’ve grown yourself (I’m so sorry for this meme reference). * You mentally laughed at his eagerness and joined your lover. * The wool was really nice, and the pressure of Kiibo’s arms wrapped around you gave the feel some authentication. * But the thing that got you really to relax was the light warmth that came, not from the blanket, but from Kiibo.

Gonta Gokuhara * Gonta is a good gentleman. * He would always take real good care of his s/o no matter what! * So if you ever got sleepy while hanging out with Gonta, he would always make sure to send you straight to bed!~ * However, this time your weariness came at a very bad time. * The two of you were out and about in a park, quite some ways away from either of your homes, but it was the only place the two of you could observe certain species of cicadas. * The noisy insects usually made others wary, but not you or Gonta. They were just doin their natural thing to (attract mates? Sing??? Why tf do they make all that noise?!?!) their heart’s content. * There were few times Gonta would slip up on his duty to make sure you were home at a reasonable time, and that was when Gonta was having too much fun with you, his s/o. * He did not mean to get you so sleepy! And it would not be comfortable if Gonta carried you all the way back to your home… * He would look really downcast at the thought of letting you down, but you wouldn’t let your boyfriend beat himself up about this. * “It’s okay Gonta, we can take a nap here in the park! Then when we get refreshed, we can go back to watching bugs, okay?” * He seemed to really like this idea, so you rolled out your picnic blanket you were going to use to eat on during lunch. * After your set up was complete, you pat the spot next to you for Gonta, who was very enthusiastic to join you. * After getting settled, you hugged your cuddle bug and almost instantly fell asleep. * Gonta gazed at your sleeping form and gave you a light peck atop your head before nodding off himself.

Ryoma Hoshi * Goodness gracious s/o…again?! * He invited you over (more like you invited yourself) for a few hours and when he went off to prepare a lunch for you two, you’d dozed off. * It would have been okay…if you hadn’t already done this literally every time he invited you. * Hmm…maybe he should be a little more concerned about why you’re falling asleep all the time. Are you getting your full eight hours? * Even though he pretended to be annoyed with your habit, it was becoming more and more of a problem. * First, he cleared up a board game you two were recently playing in the living room. Then he approached your sleeping form, playing doctor for a second. * He didn’t see any rings around your eyes…and you definitely seemed to have a regular breathing pattern…he thinks… * For a second, Ryoma crouched down to your side, giving you a closer look over…maybe he was worried for nothing… * … * …… * “Stop.” He says to himself. “I know what you’re thinking and there’s no way they’d let you.” * But you did look so peaceful…and really snuggable…is that a word? He couldn’t believe how ridiculous he was being. * Against his better judgement, he lies down next to you, keeping only an inch of space between the two of you. At least this would be a good compromise to both of his warring sides. * He shut his eyes and smiled at your radiating warmth, passing out to a rhythmic sleep beside you.

#it's 1 am my pals the hour of creativity!!! #Mod Tojo #super fluff yo #//long post #Rantaro Amami #Korekiyo Shinguuji #Kaito Momota #Kokichi Ouma #Shuuichi Saihara #Kiibo #Gonta Gokuhara #Ryoma Hoshi

[rhondaadorno]

Double Consciousness

“One ever feels his twoness, -- an American, a Negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder.” ― W.E.B. DuBois, The Souls of Black Folk

For many years, I’ve dodged commitment to the identity of a writer because I’ve been afraid of the backlash that would come with my words.  I tend to have an out-of-body experience when I put words on paper. They become 3D powerful images, a kind of synesthesia occurs, and arrows whistle towards a target...and there are always casualties.  

So, I stopped writing, avoiding opinion articles, blogs like this one, essays, controversial FB posts, because, if people actually read what I had to say beyond the armor of poetry or a creative piece, they’d feel quite different about me as a black female. And I couldn’t risk that. 

2.5 Words

I’ve been conscious of myself as a black female since the third grade. Once, I had forgotten something on the PE field, and while walking back to get it, a little boy, on the other side of a fenced in playground, yelled out to me, “you're black.” 

2.5 words without an ounce of hostility or error in them.

He didn’t taunt or provoke me, but when I got back to the car, I just remember feeling... wrong. Not different, just faulty or wrong somehow. 

I dreamed up a clever retort too late which was, “...black is a color in the crayon box.”  I guess I’ve always been a creative and insightful thinker....

This boy was 6 or 7 years old, riding a schoolyard tricycle; I didn’t even know him.  

Yet, after that non-hostile experience, I was terrified to walk by that playground again. 

Remember, he only vocalized his observation that I am indeed black. I still recall those sharp feelings I felt despite the words being true and true. 

But I wonder why he believed it was his prerogative to point it out, to make me notice I was not the same skin color. 

Safely Black

This experience was pretty much my introduction to learning I was black. Of course I knew I was not white, but I didn’t know that other people, especially kids, cared that I was not white. From there, it was being laughed at because I said “ax” instead of “ask.” One of my classmates saying, “ew, gross” because of the product in my hair, which was touched without permission. Years later, it was the shade of my knees, which are darker than the rest of my legs. Now, it’s trying to decide if I should purchase a wig for an interview or self-identify on a job application, never sure if my natural hair or shade of melanin will be the undisclosed reason behind “not the right fit.”

From K - 12th grade, I attended predominantly white, private Christian schools. Overt racism never happened to me. Yet, not once did I ever feel safe among my teachers and friends to be a black female... to fully explore what that even means. I was always hiding something.  

Yes, I had meaningful friendships and positive experiences, but never as my self.

I feel that I have lived my life dressed up by a host of unsolicited tailors specializing in the way I speak, how I present myself, how I must act inside of stores, the opinions I voice, and the list goes on. 

I have learned how to become invisible and nondescript so that I can be “safely” black. 

And it’s been to my detriment. 

An Angry Black Woman

Many people are feeling shocked by the recent events caught on video and shared via social media. Without me even mentioning the race of this little boy, it will be inferred that he was white. Because, even if some “don’t see color,” everyone knows that Asians, Hispanics, Native Americans, Caucasians, and every other group of people, have worked very hard to point out how we are not the same skin color, and somehow a lesser pedigree of human, for generations. 

Until a few days ago, I had remained pretty quiet on the topic of racial injustice--always looking for ways to share my experiences, relate my double consciousness to friends, while not offending anyone.

But right now, black people are being threatened and murdered on live cameras by white people. 

And for some reason, despite my coveted relationships with white friends, for several years, I have nursed a fear that it would damage something between us if I commented on any news story about race. 

I’ve believed it would alter our friendship if I became a fist-raised Black Power advocate. It would make things awkward if I were to steadily post black injustice on my newsfeed. That, if I said I’m so angry that police are killing little boys and young men, I would be viewed as, wait for it, an angry black woman.  Nevermind the truth that I feel wrecked from my core; I’d just rather not make any waves. 

That’s what’s been on my mind. Not exclusively the horror of the murders I’ve been stockpiling in my conscious since a young girl, but the fact that I actually know people who would eventually wish I’d stop posting the “angry racist stuff,” and stop trying to “take us back to the past.”

Bullets of Truth

But this is my own mess, my own web of nonsense because I have cultivated and catered to this twisted sense of peace among all men when I shonuff’ know there ain’t been no peace cuz no cops are walkin’ around viewing my black brothers as men. 

My shame is that I know I have denied myself and my friends the conversations about what it really means to be black in America BEFORE we were shown these awful attacks. It’s not like I didn’t know it was happening. 

But I have been so afraid to put my bullets of truth out there--mainly because you learn, way back in elementary school, when you are black, you just don’t talk about being black with white people because they will somehow make it about how they feel wronged and attacked. You just lock up that door and know what you know.

Except, I can’t feel anything but sick lately-- like I have to projectile vomit my self up from the place I’ve swallowed my self to become fiercely black, once and for all, and unabashedly own what that little boy “accused” me of being.

To finally say out loud, ”No, I am not the whitest black friend you know.”

To shoot down, “You sound white on the phone.”

To reject, “You don’t act like other black people.”

To refuse, “You’re very articulate for a black person.”

To say, “I’m disinterested in being the official tour guide of Black History month” because to be honest, I am still trying to understand what it means to even be black.

Black in America

My mother’s hard decision for my life was to go the route of private education on the other side of town, or attend the public schools we were zoned for in a less desired part of town (by no fault of the town, because lines were redrawn on purpose.) The outcome was me, immersed in a homogenous environment where I got a pretty decent education, but striving to fit in, losing my cultural heritage, pride and identity in progressive stages to the point my mother actually asked me in high school did I want to be white. Whenever I spent time in the black community, I couldn’t quite find my foothold there either, because they too thought I was “trying” to be white. 

I don’t regret her choice, but I, as a parent, now know what choosing the first one meant. There are times I am not sure who I am when it comes down to the spectrum of black identity, and it’s sad, confusing, and alienating. 

And honestly, I, along with many in my community, don’t have enough moments of peace to experience true self-discovery, to nurture who that person really is. 

As soon as we’re proud of Barack and Michelle Obama or overjoyed about the historical Black Panther film or inspired by the shocking legacy of Katherine Johnson or choose to kneel with Colin Kaepernick or feel paranoid by the Confederate flag or unified under the banner of #BlackLivesMatter -- a whole lot of people, including the president of the United States, feel it’s their prerogative to tell us who we are for us [re:thugs]--and that narrative is never, ever good. 

We are constantly trying to push it out, fighting cops for our kids’ lives, warding off suspicions, navigating extreme violence and poverty in our own community, and trying to prove our value and worth for school and career, while raising our babies to be proud of their skin color, our beautiful brown babies, who, as soon as they graduate Kindergarten, will cease to become non-threatening. 

By the way, we are processing all of this, while watching white people protest masks and quarantine with assault rifles. In 2014, Tamir Rice was shot dead for having a toy gun. He was 12. 

 Under the Radar

So, I’ve come to this point, feeling like it’s crazy and impossible that I’m literally living through some of the things in my mother’s lifetime, that I must raise my daughter with a keen awareness that not all people are treated equally, even when the Constitution declares we are. 

That I must actually teach her that even though the “colored only” signs are gone, the stone place of men’s hearts from where the words originated still exist. And they will mean it and enforce it with all the boldness of the Jim Crow era, just under the radar. 

I’ve been trying to understand why in the world I am being so affected by this now, so much that it alters my mood and impacts productivity, why I feel like I have to force myself to be positive and hope for change. Is this what it also means to be black? To stir up my ancestors’ concoction of will, determination, resilience, and sing my own kind of Negro spiritual, and march my way to freedom? No wonder they were so strong! 

I am cognizant of the fact that there are many great white men and women who work in the armed forces, and in law enforcement to protect all people in America. And I know there are those have worked in the past to abolish laws and helped to enact civil liberties for people of color. 

I also know that it took the braveness from the likes of Frederick Douglas and Harriet Tubman and W.E.B. Dubois to shed light on the black experience...so together these powerful people could push change forward with a vengeance.  

I am nowhere near as proficient in elocution as they, but this is my piece. I’m finally saying something about what it means to be black in America, but I am also feeling like that’s not enough. 

The White Wall

I have many friends who are parents and who are educators and who are the complex cocktail of both.

Black people have not ever wanted to educate their white friends about what this terror feels like, and honestly, we shouldn’t have to because-- internet. 

But I am realizing, with my own education in a predominately white environment, I didn't learn anything from my teachers about me and my world. 

Nothing truly existed beyond the white wall--white writers, white poets, white leaders, white composers, white heroes, and Martin Luther King Jr.

From K - 12th grade, what I learned about the realities of being black wasn't taught by teachers or textbooks. The little I did learn was by being in the midst of my community, and eventually reading and pursuing and chasing after knowledge. 

Therefore, it’s positively unrealistic to imagine that white people know much at all about the black experience. And both public and private education do not place importance on real diversity. Now, with the visual horror of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd, I venture to believe, for many white people, these past few weeks have been pretty much earth shattering.

But why is knocking down this wall and learning about the black experience (and other races and ethnicities) important?

When a white person’s basic lifestyle is free from external conflict, the tendency is to want to live there and only there. Problematically, she will grow increasingly out of touch with the world beyond her (and perhaps surrounding her if people of color have come into her world). But she will fail to see the good and the bad, except for this: negative media will only show her the bad, and tell her how to think, and what to believe about everyone else who looks different than her, subliminally, judgmentally, until eventually she behaves in the audacious, debased manner of Amy Cooper, a white woman who knew what the fatal consequences would be for a black man if she simply called the police to say she was feeling threatened, and to have had the presence of mind to wield it like a weapon.

A Gaping Chasm

Learning about the black experience is important because Amy Cooper probably did not wake up believing she was a racist or even had a racist bone in her body. But she knew that she was white and he was not, and in her anger, decided to weaponize her whiteness by calling the police on a black man, which depending what “bad apple” was on duty, could have ended his life--too. 

That is how it works. It doesn’t always end in loss of life, but always ends in loss of masculinity, loss of spirit, loss of soul, loss of faith, loss of trust; it just ends in loss.

When you don’t fight to change the system, you become part of the system.

So, unless (or until) a white family has been very intentional, they and their children are not learning about the black experience. 

Even when teaching my child about the origins of America and the Civil War and Reconstruction, I had to be intentional, essentially going back to school because there are things that were blatantly omitted from my years of learning and were still being omitted for hers if I did not break out from the wall.  

To put this in perspective, I was in college when I learned there were accomplished black leaders besides Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks. I was in my 30s when I heard black women and NASA in the same sentence together. 

My mom had Black America encyclopedias, and she wore her Afro proudly with a fist in the air, but she trusted my education to the school system--the private, Christian school system, and they emptied out all of the other crayons in the box, and asked me (and my classmates) to only color with the white crayon. 

So, for white families, between choice of schools, places of worship, and by not having or seeking out any predominately black cultural experiences, there is a gaping chasm between us. 

One that I’d like to lay a log across for my part.

Gateway for Change

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a sucker for kids. I’ll bleed for them. I’ve spent the better years of my life surrounded by them. And from them, I’ve learned they are not afraid to learn something new when it’s presented to them in a digestible manner. I’ve been thinking a great deal about kids lately--my nephews and nieces, my former English students and chess kids, my friends’ children....They have heard the chatter, seen our reactions, and may have even seen the same videos on YouTube. 

All of these kids, our kids, are being shaped by this society, and they will one day become adults who must interact and deal with each other politically, socially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, economically, and mentally. 

So who is educating them? Who is explaining empathy and justice and teaching love and acceptance? One thing this virus has taught our nation is that parents are capable of teaching their children too. No matter how great your school system is, they are not going to teach your children about race relations with any consequence. 

Education is the single most important gateway for change. Yes, there are people who will perpetuate ignorance regardless because they are blocked in by their incestuous beliefs, but for those who wish to break out of that crippling heritage or emerge from the silos of their communities -- with empathy and insight, you have to learn something new and share the wealth.

You have to know what’s being taught inside the homes of black families, multi-racial families, Arab families, Asian families, and most recently, the Navajo nation. Buy books with diverse characters by diverse authors --for yourself, your children, your students. Watch films with diverse casts. Find positive images and media that celebrate the success and vitality of black excellence. 

Listen to the lessons and conversations we've been having amongst ourselves for generations and still teach today. White society is not a bad society. Black society is not a bad society. We are not going to see eye to eye on many many things, but we can agree that every life is valuable. 

I do not represent every black person, nor does every black person hold my same views.

But absolutely, we do not live or experience life the same way as our white friends and family. This truth is not a victimhood or disadvantage we seek to revel in or exploit, nor does it devalue the privileges others know and experience. Within our own community, we definitely have very real problems to address, but right now, daily life should not be a mental obstacle course that’s filled with active minefields laid out for us everyday.

Lately, it just feels like no matter what we do or don’t do, the fatalities are adding up, and wicked people in this country are treating the taking of our lives like points in a video game.

As you think about these words, and listen to the stories of these young black men, who are being hit the hardest with racial injustice, dare greatly to share widely within your community. 

“But we do not merely protest; we make renewed demand for freedom in that vast kingdom of the human spirit where freedom has ever had the right to dwell:the expressing of thought to unstuffed ears; the dreaming of dreams by untwisted souls.” ― W.E.B. DuBois

Pixabay photos used by permission. Video sourced by New York Times.

#blacklivesmatter #ahmaudarbery #george floyd

[parapluiepliant]

Polaris Con Panel Post - Part I

Hi peeps, mutuals and followers!

 Last weekend, Eliza, Tati and Tasya were in Frankfurt attending Polaris Con. For all those of you who are interested and/or couldn’t be there, I have made some notes and written them down in two posts.

 Before you start reading, I want you to be aware that I tried my best to write everything down. However, being not a machine, I might have missed a few things.

Most of the time, I’ve only written down the most important parts of the answers that were given. Therefore, the bullet points are always a paraphrase to some degree. Yet, I tried to be as close as possible to the intended meaning.

Also, take into account that I am not a native speaker.

 For the panels: Any information that is interesting in regard to season 3, 4 or 5 are bolded.

In-between, you will find either some additional description or side notes that are more or less of personal nature. You can read it or leave it. It’s your choice.

Tagging specifically @slayyourdemonstogehter @alexthedevil @insufficient-earth-skills @echoxbellamy and @istilldothiseveryday because they asked me to or had questions that might be hopefully answered with that post.

I hope you enjoy it and without further ado, the Polaris Con Panel Post - Part I!

Expect Part II tomorrow.

 Polaris Con – Friday and Saturday

Friday, June 2nd:

 After using the Autobahn appropriately (damn you, traffic jam!), I finally got to meet @forgivenessishardforus (Sam) and @stardust-blake (Hana) in Frankfurt.

[side note: is it just me or does it really feel weird to ‘know’ people from online chats/fandoms and then meeting them for the first time in real life?]

 All three of us agreed that the organisers of the con and their organisational skills are more than questionable at this point; a fact that that will unfortunately stay true in the next two days.

To tell the full story here would take too long.  

 Anyway, we still had a tiny bit of hope that we can get at least a partial refund when we appear at the venue. [side note: Bob had to cancel, so getting our money back for the Meet & Greet should have been a given, right?]

 Registration started at 2pm and took rather long for the handful of people waiting outside. One of the reasons might have been that almost everyone wanted to have some clarification about the ridiculous rules and the vouchers they got; vouchers for things that were bought beforhand but were no longer available due to guest cancellations in masses.

 Surprise surprise, we didn’t get our money back, so we had to settle for something different. Whereas Sam had (wisely) chosen to continue her travel through Europe and to visit friends instead of going to the con, Hana and I were determined to make the best out of it.

 After accompanying Sam to the nearest train station (and my heroic deed to stop the train before leaving and getting several times yelled at by the train driver in the process), Hana and I went back to have our vouchers exchanged for another Meet & Greet (for which we had to pay additionally money due to the price difference).

 Apart from a self-made poster depicting the dropship, a button, the photos we were allowed to use for collecting our signatures, and our pass, we got a DIN5 paper with the schedule. However, said schedule would be proven to be incomplete the next day.

  Saturday, June 3rd:

 10 o’clock and no opening ceremony as scheduled. Later on, we were told that the chauffeur didn’t know where the location for the event is. Eliza as well as Tasya grabbed the first taxi of which they could get a hold of, being the determined and initiative women they are.

 Their duo panel (the only duo panel for the whole weekend!) took place some time past 11am instead of 10.30am with delay being a recurring theme the whole day.

 Eliza and Tasya’s panel:

 -         Eliza and Tasya were irritated that we didn’t have a moderator.

-         Eliza: In the finale, preparing Bellamy was Clarke’s way to deal with her knowledge about the radiation poisening, being convinced that she is likely to die because of Abby’s vision.

-         Eliza would like to play Murphy because of his complicated character.

-         Tasya would like to play Jasper because she is impressed by the character and his development throughout the seasons.

-         Eliza: Richard has a Murphy playlist to which he listens to everytime he has to shoot a scene; Eliza herself doesn’t have one but always wanted to create one.

-         On the day when they were shooting the scene of Azgeda marching on Arkadia, Tasya listened to a Rihanna song on the radio on her way to the location. She channeled the energy into playing Echo that day.

-         Some fan asked Tasya and Eliza to enact a fanfiction on stage. After some time, they stopped because it was too long tho.

-         Tasya’s and Eliza’s favourite action sequence is the fight scene between Roan and Lexa.

-         Will Echo change during the time in space because of her confrontation with technology? --> Tasya thinks so. On Earth, there has been always danger of some sort, so Echo now has the chance to be a bit more “chilled out”.

-         How do you manage to hate or have a conflict with your friends on screen? --> Eliza: The moment you’re on set and in your costume, you’re getting into character and the actor’s true personalities isn’t really present in that moment.

-         Did Clarke draw back emotionally during the seasons and has found herself again in the season 4 finale? --> Eliza: yes, especially visible in the last scene.

-         Did Clarke adapt to the leaders around her? --> Eliza: Clarke did what she thought would be the most diplomatic thing to do, by finding a middle ground between them.

-         For season 5, Tasya is most excited about seeing “who is Echo at home” (due to the lack of enemies and life theratening fights). She thinks that it would be interesting to see a Grounder find to themself in space.

-         How will the characters develop in season 5? --> Eliza thinks that Clarke will have taken on a more maternal role in a small scale by keeping her and Madi alive. It will also have softened Clarke and uncomplicated her mind.

-         Tasya has the vision of Echo watering and taking care of plants, thus going into botany. Maybe she even teaches Raven to fight with a sword and Raven will teach her to do technical stuff. How the characters will develop and live together was actually a question Bob, Chris, Olivia, Richard, Lindsey, Chelsey, and her asked themselves and discussed for a time during the shooting of the spaceship scenes.

-         Any advice when you feel self-loathing and when you experience the feeling of coming short? --> Eliza said that whenever she felt to hit rock bottom, she went back to the basics by taking one step at a time instead of tackling the gigantic mission in front of her. This also includes to take small everyday steps like waking up, making breakfast, going out to take a walk, etc.

-         Eliza had made an audition tape for a movie 1 ½ year before she got the call for The 100. She didn’t get the role for the movie and had already forgotten about it, so she was surprised about the call she received for auditioning for The 100.

-         Tasya said that the universe sometimes simply conspires to reward you for your hard work and stamina. She had auditioned for different Grounders (among them Anya), but Echo was the one she finally got. Reading the script, she was instantly fascinated about Echo’s character.

-         What kind of tattoo would they choose for each other? --> Nutella jar.

-         Tasya has a secret vault for Nutella in her trailer.

-         Which Pokémon would you be?: Eliza doesn’t know Pokémon well, so she would be the “yellow guy” (Pikachu) and fans suggested that Tasya could be Vaporeon (?).

-         If they could have 3 clones, how would they be called and which skills would they have? --> Eliza: 1.Ya 2.As 3.Queen; cooking, cleaning, fighting // Tasya: 1.The Good 2.The Bad 3.The Ugly; ninjas

-         Clarke met Madi on her travels and picked her up along the way.

-         Eliza prefers to get to know people first before giving any general advice.

-         With whom would you like to switch your life? --> Both: Jessica Harmon

-         The bear story (https://twitter.com/tasyanews/status/871139299483279361)

 The next panel was Tati’s. Here, Hana and I were a bit late because Tati’s panel for Saturday was missing on the schedule and we were getting our autograph from Chad Rook. [side note: no one really knew why he had been there but it’s likely that the Dreams Con was mingled with Polaris; and the only attendee left for Dreams Con was Chad apparently whereas the rest had cancelled. Either way, he is a cool guy and most of us felt bad for him because so many people didn’t know him and thus didn’t know what to ask during panels]

   Tati’s panel (just for the record: Tati is a literal ray of sunshine!):

-         Favourite Disney Movies: Hercules and Atlantis

-         Favourite Disney Song: Colour of the Wind

-         Personalities that inspire her: Gandhi and Cleopatra, the 7th

-         With whom did you get along the best with: Tati is very close with Chai because he is “like a big brother” to her and she cried when Ilian died on screen. She is also very close with Nadia.

-         Who did you meet first on set? --> Chai

-         With whom would she like to have (had) more scenes: Ian and Isaiah because they “bring a lot your way”, as well as Zach and Lindsey. She bonded the most with Chai.

-         How is it to work with Adina? --> Tati said that Adina is someone who “gets shit done” and as much as she jokes on Twitter, the more so she does in person. Adina is an awesome person overall.

-         Something you wish you knew before becoming an actor: how to do social media. Tati wants to talk to all her fans but doesn’t know how to reach them the best way.

-         She likes karaoke a lot and her favourite songs to sing are “iSpy” by Kyle, “Dear Prudence” by The Beetles and “Let it be” (Across the Universe Version)

-         Does she have a playlist for Gaia: “Rise” and “Weary”, each by Solange

-         For season 5, Tati hopes that Gaia will fight for her belief as she is the face of the tradition now. She added that there are “great things ahead”.

-         It was amazing to work with Adina. She is like a mother to her.

-         Gaia is jealous of Octavia when it comes to her mother but respects her at the same time for the way she managed to become close to Indra. A part of Gaia wants all of them to get along and to find a way to bring them together.

-         She wanted her mother’s love and seeing it going to someone else is heartbreaking for Gaia.

-         Tati hopes and thinks that something will happen between Madi and Gaia in season 5 due to their current roles as nightblood and flamekeeper respectivelly. Considering Gaia, Tati thinks that she will want to have another commander because Octavia has been chosen against/not in accord with their tradition and belief. Therefore, Madi might be the chance for Gaia to make things right again.

-         Tatis’s favourite Behind the Scenes took place during the filming of 4x08 when Kane, Jaha, Monty and Indra tried to get into the bunker and met the Azgeda guards. It had been 2am, it was freezing cold and everybody was delirious (especially Chris and Isaiah), and everyone was stepping on Indra’s long cloak so they had to do a lot of retakes.

-         Did you watch The 100 even before you got the role: yes, but only season 1. She watched it during her 1st year in college and loved it but wasn’t a huge fan. Later on, she binge-watched it tho.

-         Tati recommended to go to LA for doing animation arts or performance arts. NY would be better suited for artistic people because the culture there is more diverse and appreciative of it.

-         What would Gaia study if she lived today: Theology, Ancient History and Anthropology.

-         Asked for a crossover with The 100, Tati answered Supernatural.

-         What does Tati think of Lexa? --> She loved Lexa (for being focused and for her elegance) as well as Alycia.

-         What kind of roles would you like to play in the future? --> Anything that is completely different to her personality. ‘Rent’ would be a musical dream.

-         Tati thinks that social media is supposed to connect people with another but most of the time, people put up a façade. Social media has its good as well as its bad sides to it.

-         With whom will you be working more in season 5? --> Tati doesn’t know. However, she hopes to work more with Ian and Isaiah. She would have liked to have more screentime with Zach, Chai and Nadia (who is like a sister to her) if they hadn’t died. It is likely that she will have more scenes with Octavia and Indra.

-         Party tricks? --> Not really because she is socially awkward.

-         If she could choose who would she like to play in The 100, Tati would also love to be Roan, Jackson or Monty.

-         If you could, with whom would you like to have a fight scene: Roan would be “epic”. In a Roan vs Gaia fight, Gaia would win tho as she was trained by Indra.

-         Tati’s favourite book is ‘The Alchemist’ by Paul Coelho because it helped her out of a dark place and gave her a new purpose.

-         If Jasper had been your friend, would you have stopped him: Tati told us that she had a friend that committed suicide. She said that she would support that person in any way she is able to. Yet, she wouldn’t hold that person back if they really wanted to go peacefully because everyone had to decide for themselves how to live their life. She cried watching the scene with Japser and was amazed by Devon’s acting because he thinks everything through.

-         Does she do her own stunts: she does and loves to do them. She might also have more stunts next season.

-         Who would she choose to kill off in the show if she could: for Gaia it is Roan; for her, no one as it is not in her nature to want people dead.

-         Favourite type of vacation: beach trip

-         What would Tati teach a nightblood? --> She strongly believes that children are the future. Therefore, she would teach them compassion and how to defend themselves emotionally, mentally, verbally, and physically. For her, learning doesn’t and shouldn’t be seen as a chore. Because “the world is your classroom”, one should go out and make their individual experiences. There is nothing to be afraid of. Life and learning is a path with no right or wrong. Beauty is in everything if you look at it and her childlike fascination is in that regard helpful to her.

-         Advice for Gaia (or the other way round): Bent but don’t break.

-         Tati’s comfort food: Bin Bin rice crackers and macarons.

  After the lunch break,......

 Eliza’s panel:

 -         Which Hogwarts House: Eliza doesn’t know. (“Is there a test?”) Fans told her that she might be a Hufflepuff.

-         Do you know any words in Trigedasleng? --> the typical ones, followed by saying “Yo gonplei ste odon.”

-         Eliza had to learn the Trigedasleng dialogue Clarke recites before taking the Flame on the spot because it was added in the last minute. Zach, Tasya and Marie are really good in speaking Trig in contrast to her.

-         Favourite song: ‘Elusive’ by Scott Matthews; She has one line of the lyrics as tattoo (“my destiny lies in the hands that set me free”) (https://twitter.com/dailyejt/status/871866581797789697)

-         Favourite Colour: depends on mood; usually blue because of the ocean, or red.

-         Favourite episode of season 4: acting-wise the finale; it was their strongest episode yet and they all had a lot of fun with the script. With the helms, it was tough and crazy to interact with each other, so it was more lip reading than anything else.

-         Would you prefer space or the bunker? --> Eliza is terrified of space as well as claustrophobic; Clarke would love to go to space tho.

-         She would love to play Ilana from “Broad City”

-         Eliza is still in contact with Alycia. The last time they have seen each other was last year. They are missing each other most of the times due to their busy schedules.

-         Eliza’s greatest fear: being stuck in an elevator

-         Eliza’s greatest joy: her friends and family because she doesn’t get to see them often

-         Thumper was one of the hardest things she has ever done

-         A fan asked about her school project in Thailand: the project is going well thanks to the donations but it is still hard. Seeing the whole community come together to help is amazing.

-         Favourite scene of season 4: the radio scene because Clarke is now closer to her age. It also offers a calmer and more hopeful Clarke.

-         According to Eliza, Bellamy and Clarke gained back the respect they had for each other in season 1 and 2, being allies. It was also good not to have to yell at Bob all the time. (https://twitter.com/SourcesThe100/status/870991188647661568)

-         The audition for Thumper took place 1 ½ year before the movie began filming. She got the call for Thumper after they finished season 2. She had some workshops with the director in preparation for Thumper.

-         For the Netflix original “Christmas Inheritance”, she was simply asked.

-         In a real life action movie of Sailor Moon, she would like to play Sailor Moon because she could finally have those long pigtails.

-         She would like to play the Schuyler sisters in Hamilton.

-         How are the different relationships going to look like after the time jump? A lot will have changed.

-         About Thailand food, she thinks that Pad Thai is “noodle extravaganza” and she likes to drink coconuts.

-         She loves Thailand for the wonderful nature and the incredible, loving and lovely people. When she leaves Thailand after her visits, she comes always home with a different sense of what is important.

-         What could Eliza and Clarke learn from each other? Clarke could teach Eliza how to delegate, and Eliza could teach Clarke how to crack a joke ot two.

-         Eliza quit school in 10th grade because she was already working as an actress.

-         Eliza said that she would like to have more scenes with Lindsey.

-         When asked about her favourite ship, Eliza said that “she doesn’t do the shipping”.

-         About the 6 years+, Eliza said that Clarke tried to but couldn’t get in touch with her mother. Eliza gathered that Bellamy and Clarke had decided off screen that Bellamy would be in charge of the radio on the Ark ring.

-         The red streak of hair is related to Clarke’s disconnectedness.

-         The best present fans have given her was the adoption certification of a whaleshark.

-         Have Madi and Clarke a mother-daughter or a sibling relationship? Mother-daughter. Clarke might be taking on from her mother but definitely more Grounder and earth skill lessons due to their life circumstances.

-         Eliza is excited that she doesn’t have to wear a wig for season 5.

-         Favourite movie: “Almost Famous”; She is obsessed with the 60s/70s and loves Penny Lane.

-         Eliza loves the old Batman movies.

-         Playing a villain would be really cool because she never got to play one but being a bit of both (good and evil) would be fantastic.

-         Does Clarke have a sense of self? --> In season 5 for sure. Before, there was too much going on for Clarke to concentrate herself on developing a sense of self.

-         What would you do if Jasper was your friend? She thinks that it is a “loaded question” but Eliza would try to stop him. In case that she wouldn’t have succeeded, she would try to understand their motivation and hope that they are now at peace.

-         What would she have liked to know about social media before she became an actress? --> She would have liked to be mentally prepared for it because no one really tells you how it can affect you. There should be some sort of preparation, especially for young girls who can get messed up by being exposed to the public eye. It can be very invasive and it feels like they take a piece of you without permission.

-         Eliza likes the American Footbal League and sees Calden as her team. Being in Vancouver, she recently got into hockey as well.

-         Eliza doesn’t like to talk about Lexa’s death. It brought a love to many people and it’s better to celebrate the good things that came out of it.

 After the panel, it was our turn to get autographs of Tasya and Tati. However, the queue was too long and Tasya’s panel was about to start, so the organisers decided to hand out numbers so that people wouldn’t have a disadvantage for the second queue after the panel (needless to say that we never came back to use the numbers in any way).

 Tasya’s panel:

 -         Tasya does some of the stunts herself, for example the fight scenes. She actually signed up for archery lessons because she still doesn’t know how to do it and had to rely on a director on set who practices archery as a hobby. She joked that you can never know how you might need that skill in space.

-         If Echo would meet herself, they would fight each other.

-         Tasya would teach Echo how to love other people. Echo could teach Tasya how to be strong and to stand her ground.

-         Are there other projects she will stare in? --> Tasya will be part of the show “Travellers” that starts shooting in 2 days (so basically on Monday; one of the reasons she had to leave early on Sunday)

-         Favourite scene: The scene when Roan cauterizes his wound. Not only Roan and Echo, but also Zach and Tasya tried to figure each other out that day. Tasya also tried to figure out how long Echo and Roan might have known each other. For that scene, the director also gave Tasya a word of action/an operative word to help her acting in that scene. The word itself was “seduce” (Roan into wanting power).

-         Her resolution for 2017 was to stop eating anything that was made with palm oil because of all the damage that is done for retrieving it. Getting to know that Nutella has stopped using it made her really happy.

-         Tasya is part of an organisation against human trafficking called ‘Unslaved’. After being part of a film about that topic, it was important for her to get people to talk about it without being afraid of it. It is more than important to raise awareness, stop it and help those who are threatenend to become part of the system as well as those who are left alone with their experiences.

-         She got to know about her season 5 contract around the time of her birthday in February and had to stay tight lipped all the time. She was actually quite nervous during the negotiation process.

-         About who she thinks might end up together in space, Tasya joked that Echo might probably end up with Monty. A bit more serious, she added that she doesn't think Echo would stick with one of them for the whole 6 years.

-         Echo is pretty quiet and watchful in space and Tasya is curious about how Emori and Echo will adapt, given that they are Grounders.

-         Tasya doesn’t know about Echo’s sexuality, same as Echo because her duty to protect the king was the only thing that actively occupied her thoughts.

-         What would she do if Jasper would be her friend: Tasya would talk him out of it. She said that it’s a tough question and that she thinks that people respond to love which reminds people to keep fighting.

-         Whereas Chelsey and Lindsey enjoy to work out, Tasya prefers Yoga and Boxing to stay fit.

-         With whom would you want to be friends? Octavia because of her pissy attitude as well as Raven because she gets shit done and because Tasya likes her strength.

-         Asked about a possible romantic involvement between Roan and Echo, Tasya said that she believes that it was more of a “hairpulling thing” between them, stemming from their childhood days. However, given more time it might have had potential to develop into something more. In this time frame that was shown on screen, Echo and Roan were not romantic.

-         Favourite colour: purple

-         About Echo’s position within the Azgeda military, Tasya said that between season 3 and 4, Echo was promoted by Roan. Yet, she was always a spy and the most trusted by Azgeda royalty.

 Tasya and Tati autographs, the second try:

I told Tasya that it is really sad she has to leave early on Sunday. She said that she was actually thinking about not attending Sunday at all but decided against it. I mean, she has to take a flight on Sunday to be ready for filming “Travellers” on Monday and still decided to stay for at least a few hours?! That needs to be honoured with a hug! And so I came to hug Tasya (who looks like an actual model and I might stan her now for several reasons...don’t judge me!). All in all, everything went pretty fast so I didn’t get the chance to ask anything.

 Tati was a little adorable sunshine! I asked her how she likes it so far and she told me that she was really happy, said that it is her first convention and she likes it a lot so far. Another thing I asked her was if the Flamekeeper tattoo had any symbolism or meaning behind it. Tati answered no, at least as far as she knows. The most important thing was the middle of it showing the Second Dawn symbol.

 I know that Hana asked them some questions as well but I cannot for the live of me remember what it was. :/

 So far, so good. Saturday is almost over. Let’s see what Con-Sunday brings.

#the 100 #polaris con #tasya teles #tati gabrielle #eliza taylor #polaris con panel #posts von meiner wenigkeit

[its-just-like-the-movies]

Walk the Line (05, C)

Allow me to start my ambivalent reaction to Walk the Line by going after some low-hanging fruit and saying that the film itself walks its own line between a solid level of craftsmanship and an undeniable roteness in how it enacts and presents its own narrative. It’s never bad or even embarrassing in displaying the lives of Johnny Cash and June Carter, though its utter conventionality is marred by how little inventiveness it employs to pull their lives over, and the energy of the piece is astoundingly stodgy. It’s not just that you’ve seen this story before, but you could probably watch some of them in the time it takes to sit through this 136 minute endeavor. In no case, from performance to trajectory to direction, whether you knew anything about the real musicians going into it, do you learn any new ideas about these people from the moment you meet them. By the end, I actually had more questions about why Johnny and June were even together in the first place, and plenty of other odd structural questions as the film’s seemingly endless conclusions kept happening and happening. Walk the Line doesn’t want to be a slog, but the base quality of filmmaking would suggest a slightly more ambitious project than the one we end up getting. It’s barely inspired, requiring more than any one contributor wants to give.

I didn’t know that Johnny Cash recorded a live album in a prison, which may have been the only moment of the film where my confusion came from not knowing anything about Cash walking into this. But from there on in, I’d be hard pressed to call anything the film does anything but predictable. Even if I wasn’t immediately sure which brother was Johnny, the sheer happiness of their scenes in contrast with the monstrous father and serene but unintrusive mother already suggesting a killing of the spare. We know he will die not just because of their against-all-odds happiness in the face of the life they’re living, but the transition to this boyhood sequence sees Johnny staring at a buzz saw, much like the one his brother has trouble using before being carved up. After a scene of domestic terror following the funeral a grown Johnny is sent off to Germany, where the casual inclusion of all his never-to-be-seen-again brothers and sisters loping around outside the house may be the most visually interesting shot in the film. A scene on the phone between Johnny and his fianceé is literally the only moment we see this woman happy about the idea or fact of being married to Johnny Cash. She is specifically against being married to Johnny Cash The Musician, and we are forced to watch the couple trot through escalations of the same basic scene of Vivian seemingly resisting the idea of interacting with his musical career in the slightest. I actively starting wondering by her second scene, as the sight and sound of Johnny and his burgeoning band practicing on their front porch sends her crying into the bathroom out of shame at his inability to make it big, what she ever wanted to do with him. From there on her righteous fury will come out of feeling isolated from Johnny because of his success and suspicious of June, not wanting to discuss either to keep them at bay.

It is hard to single out Ginnifer Goodwin for not adding more to her scenes, though Vivian Cash is perhaps the most immediately obvious example of the film’s total conventionality. And to be fair, it’s not as though we have any real idea of what Johnny sees in her either, though a lot of what people see in each other and think of themselves seem alarmingly opaque at the moments they most need support. At a certain point, I just couldn’t see why June put up with such an unrepentant mess as Johnny Cash, even if he was so beneficial to her career. I couldn’t see why Johnny would keep following a woman doing her damndest at times to stay out of his life, even taking in all of the moments she so happily wanted to be in his life. Why should we care when Johnny’s father shows up late in the film and begins criticizing his son’s life when all we’ve seen of this man is his alcohol-induced terrorizing of his whole family? What is there to make of the late-in-the-film pathologizing of being so reliant on his father for approval about his life, and why does the film so uncomplicatedly hand over this sermonizing to a man who we’ve only ever seen as a terror to Johnny’s wellbeing? “I’ve been off the drink for years.” he says, or something like it, and the film grants Robert Patrick a generous zoom-in close-up as he upbraids Johnny’s high-horse for defending a lifestyle his father rightly sees through as empty, but why the fuck should we care what he has to say? It’s not an uninteresting prospect had it been expanded upon, the father fixing himself up while his son collapses, but jamming it in near the end, especially when June ultimately gives herself unto the role of Official Johnny Cash Ressurrector, feels completely unearned and unneeded. 

Pardon the divergence towards an amazingly minor character, but when it comes to Johnny and June as realized by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon, and how Walk the Line was directed by James Mangold, my reaction across the board is a noncommittal shrug. I’ll at least say that the first sequence where Johnny meets June, June accidentally getting caught in strapping Johnny Cash’s guitar strap, their musical performances, a talk later that night at a bar. Even the terrible family dinner where Cash’s father makes the speech I just criticized and the subsequent scene of June attempting to swear off Cash being met with reproach by her mother had some energy to it. The film certainly has its lines, its moments. Mangold is able to give the concert scenes a real energy, and both actors are musically talented enough to make them compelling to sit through. It’s not as though later performing scenes lack the energy on display here, though this does seem like the only musical number that lacks any blatant narrative triage. It’s one thing to see June compose “Ring of Fire” after a particularly bad encounter with Johnny, but it’s another to see Johnny and June happily duet “It Ain’t Me Babe” as Vivian Cash sits stone-faced in the front row, holding onto her children like a vice. Too often songs are used in a theatrical sense, not so much forwarding plot but highlighting an emotional tension that’s already pretty noticeable in a film with not a lot of plates spinning. This isn’t necessarily bad, though it would work better if the film was a straight-up musical instead of a biopic that frequently uses the artist’s songs as though that was the case. The indefatigable stage personas of Johnny and June especially are never cracked by their interpreters unless it’s in a monumentally obvious, scripted way, like June running offstage after being trapped in singing a song painful to her past, or Johnny collapsing onstage after an overdose. As note-perfect as their stage personas are rendered by Phoenix and Witherspoon, Mangold and co-screenwriter Gill Dennis only ask us to understand their relationship developments onstage in the songs they sing, not how they interact with each other while they sing these songs.

Which brings me, I guess, to the central issue I have with Walk the Line. As I said, Mangold’s basic level of filmmaking here is too high to call the film actively bad, his leads too solid to embarrass the film. But fine craftsmanship and note-perfect imitation doesn’t make up for how dry and slow this picture is. Oscar-nominated editor Michael McCusker (the most horrendous recognition Walk the Line achieved) is surely partially to blame for how slow the film feels, but that doesn’t take away how impassionately and conventionally realized the film is by Mangold, Phoenix, and Witherspoon. The remarkably limited color palette, only ever broken out of by certain numbers in Ariana Phillips’ Oscar-nominated costumes (my favorite recognition Walk the Line achieved), keeps the film as visually dull as it is energetically low. June’s outfits and some random women in the crowds at least have vivid reds, blues, whites, even the brown of June’s hair is in contrast to the dull colors of the production design and the cinematography. Johnny all-black ensemble never stood out much, and Vivian’s outfits seem to dress her up as some kind of proud, protective wife/mother. It’s more information about her than the script or Goodwin ever gives us, and certainly more than Mangold does. For all the physical and vocal recreations that Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon ably pull off, you can feel how limited the performances frequently are, not just on the script level but in how the principle actors don’t even try to dig deeper than the superficial levels of their characters on the page. Even if the script doesn’t seem to give much reason for June and Johnny to want to be together, a capable pair of performers could certainly have sparked off enough charisma to make me run with it. It’s not just that they’re hemmed in by a weak script, they make no legitimate effort to color in their characters or make their own decisions about them.

What we’re left with here is basically the milquetoast, uninspired blueprint of the tortured artist biopic. It’s the definition of meh across the board, and as much as I wish for a better version of this film, I’m almost equally interested in a worse version that at least has its horribleness going for it. I’ve said that it’s a boring film almost a million times in this paper, and I just don’t have the energy to say it one more time. To anyone watching this for its Oscarness (as I did, and thus hope to never have to deal with it again), knock it off when you’re not really in the mood to watch anything. Maybe being as low-energy as Walk the Line will put you in sync enough to get how Reese Witherspoon’s admittedly buoyant but slim turn steamrolled the Best Actress race, or why this film got any acclaim at all. I’d be happy to listen to Cash and Carter’s albums if anyone asked. But this is a limp thing, and I’m happy to leave it behind.

#my posts #my reviews #walk the line #2005 #joaquin phoenix #reese witherspoon #james mangold

[improbablecarny]

My Abridged Thoughts on that New Movie

The big post I was writing was getting totally out-of-hand so here’s an easier to consume list of thinks and thoughts that’s still far too long

First, do not ever sit in the second row back, off-center in a 3D AVX theatre unless you hate actually seeing the movie 

No chemistry between the title characters whatsoever. Emma Watson’s “lovestruck” look is identical to the look on my face whenever I see someone puking on the bus. Entire basis of their relationship seemed to be “I guess we’ll fall in love now since that’s how the story goes”.

Weird offhanded “Beast’s dad was abusive so it’s okay for him to be a dick” comments that managed to say “being abused makes you a literal monster” and “it’s okay to be abusive if you were abused” at the same time.

The Beast just looked like a dude with a mask and a distractingly tiny tail and the neutering of any animalistic behaviours made him seem less like a kicked stray dog and more just like a man with anger issues, and a lot of their interactions were kind of uncomfortable because of it

I really liked all the supporting characters. Maurice’s scenes were all pretty touching and well-acted, Lumiere was super fun to watch and had a lot of witty and well-delivered lines.

Not one, but TWO random and unnecessary dead mom plots in this feminist re-imagining

“Oh hey Belle, here’s my magic book that can instantly, physically take you anywhere in the world with no repercussions. The Enchantress gave it to me even though part of the whole curse thing was to keep me confined to this castle forever. Weird, huh? Well, once we spend five minutes in your old apartment let’s just never acknowledge this immensely powerful relic again, even when you need to instantly teleport to your dad to save him.” what the fuck

The castle and sets were all pretty cool

I liked Luke Evans as Gaston! He was entertaining, he nailed the songs, and I liked the new “war hero constantly trying to relive his war glory” angle

Buuuut I don’t think they went far enough to exaggerate him being a rogue instead of the giant muscle man we’re used to, which led to a couple jarring moments where it felt like we were supposed to still see him as a giant muscle man even though he very much was not one

I don’t understand his relationship with the town, either? In the beginning half of the movie most people were fairly neutral about him, then LeFou had to pay people off to say anything nice about him, then he convinces the entire town to siege a castle with two sentences? What was wrong with him being the town darling? That made for a way more interesting contrast with the Beast.

Yeah they sort of tried to give LeFou a character arc in the last 20 minutes of the movie (I LOVED his added lines to the Mob Song) but the majority of his screen presence was dominated by endless “wink wink, it’s funny because he’s gay” jokes.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

There’s also something fundamentally weird to me about casting a gay man as a hyper-hetero misogynist while they cast a straight man as his bumbling gay-as-a-punchline sidekick, while claiming the latter as a tribute to Howard Ashman.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Small props for explaining why everyone forgot about the castle, and why the travel time to the castle is inconsistent (”it’s magic, deal with it” DOES work sometimes!)

I liked all the renditions of the older songs but they made some weird staging choices. The part in the beginning with Belle deliberately singing about her book to the sheep is now Belle singing the exact same line to no one in particular and it popped me right out of it. There’s also quite a few shots of her just standing there doing nothing while singing.

The Mob Song always gave me chills and this rendition did not disappoint!

The weird balance of staying super hardcore true to the original scenes, while dealing the natural chain reactions of the changes they did make, made some scenes, like the aforementioned invisible sheep singing and slightly different interpretation of Gaston, feel more like a cosplay re-enactment than a big-budget official adaptation

Didn’t the promotional material make a big deal about Belle being an inventor instead of her father? That amounts to her giving a few gears to her dad and using a donkey to do the laundry. There were so many opportunities for her to invent something, too, which ALSO could’ve been a way to build a relationship with the Beast. But nope, went nowhere.

It’s okay though the movie is Feminist because Belle didn’t wear a corset

I’m sure I’ll think of something else to go on about later.

Verdict: Great source material with interesting adaptation ideas that weren’t used to their full potential, while needlessly complicating things that didn’t need the complication to the point of weakening character arcs and contradicting themes. 

#batb ////

[aluminiumwings]

Stay Active After P.T.S.D.- Overcome Your Post-Trauma Predicament in 5 Easy Steps

According to the National Comorbidity Survey Reports over 7.5 million people are diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder every year in the United States alone. Most of them suffer from the post-trauma predicament. A predicament is a security system developed by our instinct which prevents us from further trauma. We make a mistake when we think it is an unmanageable disease. Yes, it’s definitely a complicated health and mental issue but we can bypass it using simple techniques. Today I’m going to share with you the 5 steps I took to overcome my post-trauma predicament.

GIVEAWAY- Download The Activity Flowchart PDF

What is a trauma?

A trauma is condensed stress. When an event of our life or a chain of events pile up a huge amount of insecurity within our subconscious mind, we experience a trauma. The major characteristic of a trauma is that it is more of a subconscious affair than a conscious matter. So, to deal with trauma we need to specifically work on our subconscious mind and generate a habit of feeling protected. To do that we need to understand that our subconscious mind is connected to a few things, like- our body, our memory, our environment and the community we live in. If we can manage all these aspects then we’ll be able to balance rejuvenate our subconscious mind. When I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis in 2011, I took it easily but my subconscious mind became frightened instantly. In a few years, my subconscious brain was designed in a way that whenever it was a time to visit the doctor I used to get stressed. I could not move my legs, I couldn’t swallow the food, I couldn’t even pee. It took me a long time to reorder my subconscious mind. I went through a whole process of transformation. Now I don’t get stressed easily. I can control my temperament. I’ve analyzed the complete process for you in last few weeks and picked up the nuggets that changed my life.

How does post-trauma predicament behave?

The post-trauma predicament is a security system developed by our instinct which protects us from further trauma. Yes, it’s a security system that saves our butts. But in this process, it ruins us the other way. In a post-trauma condition, our body cuts the connection between our nerves and muscles. It stops the flow of oxygen in the Neuromuscular junction and we cannot move our limbs. We know this situation as a predicament. Let’s understand this in an example; suppose you want to check your email and you turned on the email app on your mobile phone but there’s no internet connection. You can see the “loading circle” on the screen. Your device is trying to synchronize the app with your email account. And, it fails. You try again and the same thing happens. The email app in your mobile phone cannot load the inbox page because the connection between your mobile phone and the internet is broken.

Same thing happens with us when we go through a predicament. We try to do some activity, our brain initiates the process but the muscles cannot perform it because the connection between our nerves and the muscles is broken. So what do to rebuild the connection? What do we do to restart activity? Before we start talking about the solution please go ahead and download the Activity Flowchart. It’s a concise documentation of the 5 steps, I’m going to teach you. It took me 10 years to perform them, 10 months to decode them, and it’ll take you only 10 minutes to consume them. I hope you’ll perform them better than I did!

How to stay active?

Most of the P.T.S.D. challengers spend a good amount of time lying in bed and sleeping. They get out of bed, have some food and go back to sleep. If you are one of them then don’t feel ashamed. I’ve spent years lying in the bed, sleeping all day long and waking up in the nights. It’s totally okay. Your body needs that rest. You need to give yourself a minimum time to recover from the immediate shocks of the trauma. The point is what you do next? How do you grow from ashes? Before we start I must tell you that you should hire a coach who can lead you through the step by step process to overcome predicament; who will be there to catch you when you slip.

Step 1- Start with ‘no-brain activities’: (Use your sensory organs)

You should start by doing the ‘no brain-activities’. After the immediate shocks of trauma, our body develops a practice of feeling stressed all the time. While feeling stressed there is more blood flow to the back part of our brain (mainly in the hypothalamus) and less blood flow on the frontal lobe. The frontal lobe executes all logical and analytic processes. So, it’s difficult for us to perform actions. That’s why we should start with no-brain activities. Use your sensory organs to start working. Use your eyes, your ears, your tongue. You can start by simply watching TV or listening to music. Some people start eating. I used to watch television shows like Phineas and Ferb, Man vs. Wild etc. While carrying out no-brain activities just do a trick, watch one show or listen to one podcast that teaches some activity you can perform easily. For example, you can follow Magic Mike who does awesome things with paints and scissors. Next what? Engagement.

Step 2- Engagement is the key (Use your hands)

Next, you need to do physical tasks. It’s the time when you introduce your hands with your eyes and ears. You need to practice what you have learned so far. Simply start singing, start dancing, try to enact your favorite scenes from your favorite TV shows, start cooking, start drawing, do make ups, start working out, literally anything that involves physical engagement. Just keep in mind you should pick one or two of the tasks you like. Do not overwhelm yourself. You can schedule a routine that you’ll cook in the morning and paint at night or whatever suits you. Don’t do the mistakes I’ve done. I used to overwhelm myself by starting a bunch of projects. I couldn’t finish them and I ended up sabotaging myself.

Remember, you still do not have enough blood flow to your logical brain so your brain cannot handle more than one or two tasks. Don’t set goals, don’t pressurize yourself. Just hang out with your task and try to create a relationship with it. I started by hanging out with my laptop. I used to learn designing online. Not that I’m an expert in designing but it helped me to create a relationship with my laptop and start engagement.

Step 3- Join a community (Utilize the power of collective humanity)

Next, you’ll need to join a community. A community is always helpful. You get to meet a lot of people dealing with similar challenges like yours. You also meet people who have survived similar situations. You’ll get to talk to them, you’ll get to listen to them. They’ll empathize with your pain. And, most importantly they’ll recognize your achievements. When I was starting the recovery process I got to meet a few awesome people. Whenever I was upset I called them and they helped me. One of my friend's father became paralyzed when he was 17 years old. Since then he is the only earning member of his family. He has been a great support to me for last few years. So, join a community that shares similar interest and beliefs. The community should be a physical community and not an online community.

GIVEAWAY- Download The Activity Flowchart PDF

Step 4- Start a venture (Use your legs)

It’s more of an advanced stage and probably the most difficult one. Most of the challengers fail to nail this one. But, the fact is if you are able to execute stage 4 you’ll never look back. It’s like a reward to yourself, it’s a gift from the Universe. So, what do you do at this stage? You start a venture. The best way to stay active in a post-trauma situation is to start a venture. Now, what can be a venture? Anything that is dedicated to a purpose and requires consistent engagement is a venture. If someone has a family he is a member of a venture, if someone works for a company then he is a member of a venture if someone works for a nonprofit group he is a member of a venture. Now you also need to be a part of a venture. Either join an existing venture or start a new one. It’s the best way to attract gratitude which will bring you recognition and empowerment.

Step 5- Keep the ball rolling (Maintain continuity)

Now, you have to maintain the continuity. It is said that most of the trauma challengers fail to stay active because they fail to continue the process. It’s a secret how to keep the ball rolling. Read the next few lines carefully. It might change your life.

You Need A Strong ‘Why’- define a purpose of your life. It’s a way to hack the rules of the Universe. As a human being, we tend to stay active if there are people depending on us. If you can convince yourself that there are a few people depending on you, you’ll more likely to stay active than if not.

Create a Community of Yours- create a support group of your own. They’ll keep you motivated and even help you to start a venture. Your community should contain a core and a buffer group to help you in different situations.

Establish your actions with rituals- you have to establish the activities I taught previously. Rituals are the best way to do that. A personal Mantra or Japa can help you. Even lighting up a candle can help you to continue your journey.

Hire a coach- It should be your first step to overcoming your predicament by hiring a coach. If you are serious about getting rid of your post-trauma difficulties then hire a coach in the first place. Make sure your coach has these three qualities-

i. He must have personal experience with P.T.S.D ii. He must teach you breathing exercises iii. He must teach you serious meditation.

JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

It's all about what you believe. A trauma has a two-way effect. It affects our physics and our psyche. We do not have much control over our physics but we can control our psyche. And, by controlling the psyche we can govern our physics to some extent. The goal of a predicament-challenger should be to get full command over their psyche and guide their physics to recovery.

Before you leave download the Activity Flowchart. It’ll help you to remember the whole process and perform them in an order. Whatever the situation is that you have to face every day remember there’s always someone to help. There’s always a messenger near to you. All you need is to reach out and ask for help. Do you think you have a friend who needs to see this then SHARE it! And, do not forget to leave a reply.

Let me know what are your takeaways!

#ptsd #overcome trauma #trauma management