#like the apocalypse is already messing up this dude's mental state | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

notbang · 5 years

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gimme the commentary for you're the fire and the flood, anything you have to say about the section starting with "He wakes to the acrid burn of smoke in his nostrils and his throat, one of the overhead smoke alarms apparently clinging to the last of its battery power long enough to sound a pathetic wail in warning." and ending on “Drink some three year old tequila with me?”

send me a scene from one of my fics, and I’ll give you the equivalent of a dvd commentary on it! - you’re the fire and the flood

He wakes to the acrid burn of smoke in his nostrils and his throat, one of the overhead smoke alarms apparently clinging to the last of its battery power long enough to sound a pathetic wail in warning. His first foggy thought is Rebecca, his arms reaching for her out of repressed habit but coming up empty, and when he pushes himself bleary eyed up onto his elbows on the couch he can’t see her on the bed, either. Once he discerns the soft grey haze is filtering out from the kitchen he scrambles to his feet in a panic.

Since one of the central conceits of this fic is that Rebecca has been in jail for the past three years -- and Rebecca has cut off all communication with everyone for the past two -- something I was playing around with was the jarring sense for the both Rebecca and Nathaniel that they’ve gone from zero contact to being trapped not only together but in this fucked up time capsule Nathaniel has left of their stuff in his apartment after moving out (dude, get some fucking therapy, stat). So for Nathaniel in particular, the memory overload is wreaking a little a havoc on his dreams (which may or may not also have something to do with those pesky Santa Ana Winds). He’s just spent the night dreaming of a moment they shared back when they were together, so when he’s pulled from slumber Rebecca is immediately on his mind.

She’s flattened against the wall when he finds her, eyes wide and vacant as she stares at the sink where the flames are already starting to lick up the wall. When he calls her name she’s unresponsive. He tries again, rougher this time.

“Rebecca.”

She snaps out of it, then, coughing and crumpling against him before mirroring his movements and tucking her mouth into the crook of her elbow.

“The water,” she chokes out, batting helplessly at the smoke. “There’s no water coming out.”

Since it’s the apocalypse and all, we had to up the stakes a little beyond trapped in an apartment with someone you don’t want to be trapped inside an apartment with and cut off the water supply. And the most [in]convenient moment for that to become apparent was of course when Rebecca decided lighting a small fire in the sink was a good idea.

He nudges her aside and goes for the rug in the entryway, pushing past her to get back to the sink and slapping at it with the heavy fabric until he’s managed to smother most of it out, the sides of it singeing in the heat but the lack of oxygen ultimately winning out. When the smoulder is contained to the basin again he returns with one of her saucepans of water, extinguishing the remnants with an angry hiss against the stainless steel.

I just... really liked the idea of Rebecca being accidentally prepared for the apocalypse? Being in jail for three years has affected her in different ways, and I think she’s learned to hone the more manic aspects of her personality into a very specific brand of survival. The apartment ends up fully stocked with food because she goes kind of overboard hoarding all the things she’s missed out on eating for the past three years (and incidentally, things Nathaniel wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, which was hilarious to me). They still have water because she took some advice she heard on the news (which she’s been obsessing over as a means to reacquaint herself with the world) to the extreme. Plus I enjoyed the mental image of this already ridiculous mishmash apartment being added to with a minefield of miscellaneous vessels filled with water.

He drops the pot in the sink with an aggressive clank before turning back to face her.

She hasn’t moved from the spot the entire time, still stood frozen and numb, and he grunts in annoyance before hoisting her into his arms and carrying her out of the smoky kitchen over his shoulder, finally waking her up.

“Put me down,” she growls, pummelling him angrily with her fists. “I’m fucking serious. Put me down, you asshole.”

He deposits her unceremoniously back on her feet near the foot of the bed, sidestepping before she can hit him again and raising his hands defensively.

“Are you insane? What was that?”

“I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. I was stupid. I wasn’t thinking.”

“What were you even doing? Did you start that fire on purpose?”

So this entire fic is basically just one continuous fire metaphor for Rebecca’s inner tumult. I’ve always been intrigued by her association with fire in canon, and in a way this was a 22k extrapolation of that. As we know, Rebecca has a tendency to set things on fire when she wants them seared out of her life, and apparently being stuck in the middle of a wildfire apocalypse is no exception. In fact, I kind of imagine she drew inspiration from the wildfires raging outside when she made the very deliberate decision to start her own fire in the sink. This time, she’s not burning her ex boyfriends’ stuff, though -- she’s burning a stack of photos from Darryl of this universe’s equivalent of Hebecca, because she’s struggling with much the same multitude of emotions we saw her wrangle in 4x09. (As an aside: in this universe, the baby is named Bianca, meaning ‘white’ -- a reference to Whitefeather and White Josh.) The baby was born the night she was arrested, so even more so than what we got in canon Rebecca has been happily pretending she doesn’t exist for the last three years. Add to her internal unrest the fact that half the town has already gone up in flames -- she’s not just dealing with the existence of her biological daughter, but the fact that her life could very well be in danger. So almost understandably, Rebecca decides to Nope out of that mental mess in typical destructive Bunch fashion.

He notices the way she’s favouring her left arm, tucking it into her chest and his nostrils flare as he snatches at it, yanking her closer so he can see.

“Ow!”

“You burned yourself? Jesus Christ, Rebecca.”

Grip like iron around her elbow he drags her over to the dining table where she’s been keeping her collection of makeshift water vessels; tripping over her own feet from the angry force of him Rebecca yelps, aiming a protesting kick towards his shins in self-defence but stumbling in the process, coming to an abrupt stop when he shoves her forearm down into the portable foot spa Valencia had gifted her as a pre-wedding present so many moons ago.

“Stop it, you’re hurting me,” she snaps, and only then does he let her go, her skin imprinted faintly with red where he’d been holding her.

“Oh, sorry, I’m hurting you? You seem to be doing a pretty good job of that yourself.”

She scowls, but keeps her hand submersed in the tub anyway, the room-temperature water for the most part ineffectual at soothing any of the sting.

Nathaniel closes his eyes and tries to calm himself, tries to breathe through his heart beating hard like it’s going to break through his chest on overdrive. They’re both a little panicked, he knows; fraught with fire-related tension and highly strung, and as his pulse slows back to a steady throb he feels the shame creep in at adding to her distress—it’s never been his intention to frighten her. His own brief flare of terror still strums insistently in his fingertips, though, and he can’t keep the accusation out of his voice.

As we find out a little later, once the tequila gets involved, the last three years haven’t exactly been kind to Nathaniel. He left West Covina to move on, but he’s still very much affected by the pervasive sense that he’s doomed to feel like he’s losing Rebecca over and over again -- when you take her suicide attempt, their two break ups, her pleading guilty and then later taking him off her visitor’s list into account and add all to that the fact that the way she re-entered his life was in a hospital bed, the dude’s understandably got a bit of a complex going by this point. I hesitated at having him get so (however briefly) physical with her, but I think the important distinction here is that it’s nothing to do with anger. She’s just scared the absolute shit out of him, again, and he’s course-corrected a little too hard in trying to protect her.

“What the hell, Rebecca?” he demands. “You are crazy. You could have gotten us both killed.”

“I know! I am crazy. I’m losing my fucking mind, Nathaniel. Because I’ve spent the last three years of my life behind bars and now I’m finally out I’m just trapped all over again. I just want to start over but I can’t, because I’m stuck in this stupid town, and now I’m stuck in this stupid apartment with all this stuff, with you, and with all these reminders of everything I’ve missed and I feel like I can’t breathe.” She pulls her arm out of the flooded foot spa and gestures erratically at her chest, sending out a spray of dislodged droplets, eyes wild and wide and welling with tears. “I’m suffocating and I don’t want to be in here anymore. I can’t…”

If Nathaniel’s feeling the cabin fever at being trapped, Rebecca’s feeling it tenfold. If it weren’t a violation of her parole, she wouldn’t even be in the state right now, so her current circumstances are A Lot. So while it was mostly about her complicated feelings regarding what she’s missed out on in her absence, her starting the fire had an undercurrent of self-sabotage to it, too.

She lets out a strangled sob before promptly bursting into tears, crumpling forward, collapsing against him and burying her head in his chest. Force of nature that she is it’s so easy to forget how small she is until she’s tucked against him, over a head of height difference and two years of uneasy silence between them.

“Please. I just—I just want to get out of here,” she hiccups into his shirt, hands fisting in the fabric. “I feel like I can’t—”

“Breathe,” he says quietly, cradling the back of her head on autopilot. “Hey. Just breathe.”

He’s never really consoled anybody before but it seems like he’s doing something right; her hand not nursing the burn pulls tighter at his shirtfront but her choked sobs ease somewhat, her breathing eventually slowing into synchronisation with the gentle back and forth of his palm across her shoulder blades. For a half-second he thinks he should be disgusted by way she’s snivelling into his shirt but the disdain never comes; all he feels is an unexpected rush of latent tenderness for her and the overwhelming urge to encase her firmly in his arms.

Hugs!!!! Emotionally overloaded hugs!!!! An R/N staple. That is all.

She’s embarrassed, so embarrassed, not just about the fire but the hopeless way she’s clinging to him and she can’t bring herself to let go because she doesn’t want to see his face or let him look at hers, doesn’t want to look at anything in the apartment for a moment longer. Her nostrils fill with the familiar scent of him as she inhales deeply, shakily, and crushes her nose into his collarbone.

“You’ve been through a lot, Rebecca,” he murmurs into the crown of her head. “You’re going to survive this too. I promise.”

It’s the softness in his voice that finally gives her the courage to pull away, rubbing the back of her palm across her snotty nose and glancing up at him with wet, abashed eyes.

He steps back but moves his hands to her waist, holding her gently as if he’s not entirely convinced she can keep herself upright.

Up until this point their every interaction has been rife with tension -- a mixture of unavoidable sexual tension and the resentment they’re each carrying over how certain things have played out between them -- but here they stop and take a breath together, and it’s kind of like the fire in the kitchen was the high-pressure crucible that’s made reforging their dynamic possible. Rebecca’s letting herself be vulnerable, rather than angry, and Nathaniel -- dumb smitten dweeb that he is -- has just melted at their physical contact.

“Truce?” she surprises herself by offering with an ungraceful sniff, not much more than a mumble but he hears it all the same.

There’s a beat, and then he drops his arms away from her and nods. “Truce.”

His eyes don’t leave her back as he stands there mutely, watching her make her way across the room to rummage through some boxes in the corner until she finds what she’s looking for and turns back to face him.

She sniffs again, and raises the bottle.

“Drink some three year old tequila with me?”

Because adding alcohol to the mix is always a good idea!!

#catty-words #replies #my fic #dvd commentary meme #thaaaanks #i'm not feeling very articulate today but hopefully this is some level of interesting insight

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nofive · 3 years

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Five and Reginald

This meta will discuss not necessarily Five’s relationship with Reginald, as I have done that in various different headcanons, but it will discuss more how Five sees Reginald and mainly 58 year old Five rather than kid Five. As anything that deals with kid Five in my opinion would definitely reach the headcanon territory. This meta is going to discuss a few scenes from canon and delve into Five’s reactions and interactions with the man.

There isn’t much from season one to look into. However the few mentions of Reginald by old Five in season one show that Five wants to not place an importance on the man. Five doesn’t want to seem to care. And that’s easy their father isn’t an active figure in their lives at this point. Five wanting that barrier between himself and the old man is physical. That breaks down in Season 2 and we see Five becoming much more vulnerable and nervous about facing their father.

In season two, despite your thoughts on it, Five for the first time in forty five years is going to confront his father. Now his father has no idea who he is, which is something pointed out to him by Diego, but Five mentions that its Reginald he will find a way to rub things in. And Five is absolutely right about that. From the fact that Reginald tells Diego I told you so at the end of the season after Diego’s conversation with Five, to how Reginald treats Luther, to that mess of a dinner.

First things first, while Five is removed from the abuse of Reginald, he also never truly got to process it. He had to push it to the back because survival was important. Suddenly the abuse was seen as lesser to him because he had bigger fish to fry. And because of this he doesn’t fully understand just how bad he had it. Which takes Five’s comment of “Forty Five years alone” to a whole new level. Five while the most removed from their father’s abuse is also the closest to it still. Five as we know compartmentalizes things. If you notice the dinner scene in Vanya’s mind this isn’t just a tell for her own mental state but it can also say alot about the siblings. That deserves its own post, so moving on.

There a few instances I want to talk about these being Five and Diego’s talk outside of the company in Dallas. Five’s talk to his siblings particularly the aftermath and the mention of finding Dad over Diego’s mention of killing him. Five’s defense of their father not being involved in the JFK assassination, and his apology to his father when he is face to face with the man, I will also briefly talk about Five’s behavior at that dinner. Last but not least, I will talk about the Mexican Consulate meeting.

So Five’s little talk with Diego while Diego is picking the lock Five tells Diego that he heard their father’s voice every day while in the Apocalypse, telling Five “I told you so.” Thing is, the same thing would have been told to Five if he came back to their childhood regardless if Five had succeeded or not. Their father would find a mistake and would hold it over Five’s head. Five may have been a cocky shit, but their father took that and held it over Five’s head, it was one of the ways that Reginald got to Five. Five was just far better at hiding it than the others in my opinion. The fact that this still eats at Five every day, even now speaks volumes on the fact that Five has not removed himself from their father’s abuse and on some level thinks that he is right. In fact as they walk up to the building Five is psyching himself up for when he sees their father again.

So next lets discuss the meeting with the siblings. Five in season one rarely asks for help, and in this quest to see their dad, he is actively asking for help. He knows he cannot do this alone. Nor does he want to do it alone. He has not seen their father in the longest time out of all of them. He is not ready to see their dad. Subsequently he knows that seeing their dad will do less damage than killing him hence his look to Diego when Diego suggests it. Yes they would all love to kill the Old Man, however, Five knows that would be catastrophic for the siblings. However, because of how the meeting went, if its brought up you can bet Five will be blamed for his lack of foresight and decision making.

So Five defending Reginald about the JFK assassination saying that it’s not like their father to be involved despite being absolutely correct gives a good insight on their relationship prior to Five turning old. We see the least amount of youn Five and Reginald together so what we have to do some pulling from what we do see in canon. The time travel conversation in season 1 is clearly one that has happened in private before Five’s outburst at the table. Meaning Five spends time alone with Reginald and therefore can get a read on who their father is, which is something Five is good at. This clearly still relates to when Five is older. He doesn’t think Reginald has that in his motive, and Reginald proves him right. Not only by sending a doppelganger to the assassination, but also from what we see of his talks with the twelve dudes, that I forgot the name of.

So next comes the dinner with the family. Five goes to this dinner initially alone. As we know Five is nervous about confronting Reginald even though Reginald will have no idea who he is. He knows the idea isn’t ideal. But that doesn’t change the fact that is visibly nervous. This is the most nervous we see Five in almost the entire series. However, when he isn’t alone, when the siblings join him, that is when he gains confidence. He thinks that it will be worth something. At the dinner Five wants them to be on their best behavior because he knows Reginald. Not only will the man take any chance he can to chew them up and spit them out, but he also doesn’t know them they have to talk to him without changing the future. It doesn’t go to plan because none of them are equipped to see Reginald again.

Then we get Five’s little talk with his father alone. He and Luther are the only ones in this season who get to talk to Reginald one on one. Five’s goes significantly better than Luther’s. And honestly the only reason Five’s goes better is because Five has left a good impression on Reginald which can’t be easy. So Reginald not only gives Five good advice that ends up saving the family, but also Five apologizes to Reginald. There are two things to talk about here. First is the advice. Reginald does not know Five, his advice here is key because he has never told Five anything like this in training. Honestly, I bet most of Five’s training had Five thinking he could only jump like with spatial jumping where he can jump far. Going a few seconds isn’t just about jumping, but about running, but starting small likely what Five did with his spatial jumps initially.

So moving on cause I will get side tracked, we will talk about the apology. Five apologizes for being an asshole in a few more words than that. Here is the telling thing about this apology is that Five should have never had to apologize, not to Reginald, and certainly not to a man who doesn’t know about what Five went through because it hasn’t happened yet. This does two things it tells Reginald what Five is weak to, which is never good, and will likely come back to bite Five in the ass. But additionally it shows just how Five has not moved on passed his trauma like he wants everyone to think. If he had he would admit he was an asshole as a kid, but he wouldn’t have apologized for it.

Last but certainly not least, we will talk about the consulate. There are two things I want to discuss, yelling at Reginald in ancient Greek, and the framing of the scene where Five is in the closet. The first is yelling at him in ancient Greek. He yells a scene from the Odyssey, the opening passage which tells us two things. One the kids, know ancient Greek, and Five remembers it. And two Five chooses this passage for a reason. The passage itself talks about a man lost who destroys things, and that describes what Five is, who he is. When asked about it, Five remains purposefully vague and just said that they were forced to learn it. This is the only time that Five keeps his cards to his chest with Reginald, and will likely be his saving grace somehow in the future. However, Reginald is smart, he probably figured out after the dinner just why Five quoted that passage to him.

Then we have the framing of the scene where Five is in the closet at the consulate. This scene is expertly done. As it shows as Five literally being the skeleton in Reginald’s closet, while also physically showing how Five is trapped by Reginald still. It such a unique scene and shows their dichotomy so well.

Five is often said to be the sibling most like Reginald and I tend to agree. They have similar personalities. They serve as very good Foils for each other as expressed when discussing the framing for the closet scene at the consulate. But more importantly the both can hit each other in their weak spots because of how well they know each other. For Five, he becomes daddy’s good little soldier in a way that Luther never was and never can be. For Reginald it is how Five knows to tug at the few heartstrings he has to make him stop to reconsider things. Five is the reason that dinner happened in the first place after all.

Five hates this comparison just like he hates the comparison to The Handler. The largest reason he hates this comparison is because while he would push his abilities to their maximum and want his siblings to do the same, unlike Reginald Five cares about his siblings deeply. If Five was called Reginald I imagine he would behave the exact opposite of how Ben did in season 2. Five would likely pull back even more than he already is. He already thinks that his siblings do not view him the same way he views them, which is only compounded by how they treat Five’s return after his disappearance and how they treat Ben’s death. Five’s love for them would be at an even greater distance then, but unlike Reginald it wouldn’t stop. Five cannot stop loving his family. Reginald can cut them all off in one foul swoop. And that is not only where the difference in them is rooted, but it is also the exact reason why Five would hate the comparison. But instead of get angry he would get sad, because he understands perfectly why its being made.

All of this got WAY TO FAR AWAY from me. I hope y’all can make sense of it. Anyways that is all I have. Clearly I am not talking about everything in this meta, I just wanted to touch on these few instances.

#headcanon: a single drop of coffee

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