#like part of the reason why improving my self-esteem has been such a goddamn journey lately

[syekick-powers]

every time a medical professional of some sort tells me i have a high degree of self-awareness, it makes me have an external reaction of "thank you i try" and an internal reaction of "honestly i think having as high a level of self-awareness as i do is at least a quarter of why i'm so miserable. :')"

#sye's babbles #i had an appointment with my dietician yesterday #and i was explaining to her about how i was kinda using food as a coping mechanism lately #and explained to her the usual spiel of #'my mood dysregulation is less about having moods that change rapidly' #'and more about getting into A Mood and being UNABLE to get out of it' #'so i have a tendency to have something upset me and just end up totally unable to change my mood' #'without some kind of external intervention that usually involves getting a high blast of dopamine' #and she seemed genuinely impressed with how i described it and how easily she understood what i meant #and i was just thinking to myself like #'[sighs] yeah. i have a high degree of self-awareness. it CAN be a gift but most of the time it's a curse.' #like this isn't even a humblebrag #sometimes being incredibly self-aware leads to INCREDIBLY bad self-esteem #because you're painfully aware of all of your flaws but still can't stop yourself from making mistakes because of them #like part of the reason why improving my self-esteem has been such a goddamn journey lately #has been because i KNOW my own flaws INCREDIBLY well #and it's hard to forgive yourself for flaws that have been and continue to actively make you miserable.