#like maybe i almost get it if it's a child you've gestated for nine months and then given birth to.

[proto-language]

hrngnfghnfg

#just thinking aloud but #i dunno. kind of feel like the last Barrier between me and Normal Personness or whatever #is just. i feel so completely and utterly unable to feel empathy specifically with regards to children and childbearing and childrearing. #like. i have known ever since i was small that my parents lost other pregnancies before me and between me and my sister. and all i could #feel about that as a kid was 'thank god because i never wanted a sibling anyway' and 'uh well i never asked to be born soooo... so what' #and now as an adult. i know that it's a terrible thing to suffer a loss like that. #and i'd at least manage not to act inappropriately towards someone i knew if they were in that position. #but i still can't find any of the *feelings* about it. #which is strange because i usually feel Everything So Much. #i also still don't understand when people talk about like. instantly falling in love with their kid or whatever #like maybe i almost get it if it's a child you've gestated for nine months and then given birth to. #but i feel like people *must* be at least partially lying about it when it comes to things like adoption #because there'd be such a high psychological and social penalty to admitting that you felt anything less. #adoption in general drives me crazy like i cannot Believe that it's still just a really accepted alternative to having a biological child #when... any kid who has had to be removed from the circumstances into which they were born and given to new people #is surely going to be traumatised or have issues or however you want to put it. #and it can't possibly be the Same Thing as having a... fresh baby of your own. #anyway. i feel some sympathy for and plenty of logical understanding of children and parents. #but none of it makes sense to me on the level on which i usually connect with people. #and hell maybe everyone feels that way until they have a kid. in which case i think everyone #is wildly irresponsible for having those kids without knowing they're gonna like it or be good at it and hoping it'll just work out. lmao