#like its just fucking tragic that ppl that are going though this and suffering constantly at the hands of ppl they should be loved by

[biillys]

gyllenchains: the question was what would he want to see for billy. i didn’t record the other part but he said billy had to die. so i’m gonna walk into traffic

dacre @ stranger con, chicago (9th oct 22)

#'he was constantly trying to push through and break the mould of his father' dacre i need u to know that i owe u my life #gifs #m #dacremontgomeryedit #dacre montgomery #billy hargrove #camaro 67 #something so fucking tragic and sad about the way that so many people believe that the only reason billy could redeem himself is by dying #like.............................................................my brother in christ......if he lived.....and he got to experience life #without neil...................... like if he got to breath some fresh fucking air without his father constantly just. existing. right there #sometimes out of sight but never out of mind....... then my GOD the way he couldve clawed and pieced together a life for himself #a family for himself in him and max #just like. a new beginning #but like. no. #his only redeeming quality was if he fully got himself killed just so the kids could live #wait this isnt me coming for dacre and what hes saying here its me coming for ppl that are like #'actually the only good thing billy done was die. and he deserved it.' #hate that crowd #like its just fucking tragic that ppl that are going though this and suffering constantly at the hands of ppl they should be loved by #are seeing people be like 'well the only way you can make up for the fact that ur a Piece of Work is if you #fucking sacrifice yourself for a Good and Palatable Victim. die bitch.' #but i do get what hes tryin to say here!!!!!!!!!!! i get u dacre!!!!!

[somedaypast-thesunset]

So the girl he was heavily involved with for years even tho his best friend was in a thing with her and they were the last ppl to see him alive before he killed himself has now also killed herself.

First of all - all my jokes are fucking tasteless now I feel like I wished bad shit upon him and got what I wanted. That's super low and tasteless and shameful to myself. Like even if other ppl don't know it's gross if you do and like I get why I did it as well - I cope through tasteless humor. It's passive aggressive. It's not me at my best moments even though I think it's funny as fuck.

Secondly OMG I don't have the tools to cope with this. This has been a point in our relationship since the very beginning. I and many other girls put up with his attachment to this girl who actually wasn't super interested in him and introduced the idea of polygamy to him. She was known to be a bit of a rat and like.. Not well liked by anyone but him, in all seriousness. Like if I died i think ppl would say nice things - this could be like a shrug your shoulders thing for many people. I never met her. I put up with him telling me he always loved her and he would be with her again with his other wives and like you knew he was deeply into her but again, she showed little interest back.

The thing is me and her share a ton of similarities and could've gone the same as eachother if life's journeys handed us different opportunities. She had a neglectful home life. Her parents seemed disattached and overall uninterested in her because they were themselves drug addicts and alcoholics. I believe her mother married a new man and she seemed exposed to sex early, early on. She began drinking at 13 and her parents were quite cool and lenient which seemed to lead her obviously to partying and heavy drugs and casual sex. She was not well off nor were her parents and several times he told me she suffered from eating disorders and self harm, she seemed to potentially have prostituted herself at times and was inappropriately sexual in public to a point it made multiple people uncomfortable.

He sometimes told me we needed to meet because we'd get along. Many times I felt like perhaps because we shared alot of traumas and then deal with people like him.

I'm not saying he's the reason because he's not at all. If I died, he wouldn't be the reason. But people like him are people we encountered everyday. And she obviously suffered more ridicule than I did.

He said, "she was a flight attendant and had this and this going for her I don't understand"

You don't understand depression then. And people like you are people who depressed people encounter every fucking day. They are constantly expected to overcome and put on a show like becoming a flight attendant as a full blown drug addict. There a problem and it's a problem if you believed she was functional because she wasn't because she's dead.

Of course, I've spent days lamenting life. I shared with him my non existent will to live. I cried and he told me to get a job. You know, like her. She was a partial example of getting over your shit. But she wasn't at all. She was a hardcore drug addict. He ignored my cries for help, he mocked my depression, belittled my traumas and told me it was all such a burden on HIS life.

And then she dies.

Where do we go now?

And I feel selfish for at all making the death of a poor young drug addicted woman about myself in any way at all especially not knowing her. It's not my place to be involved at all in her death, I think not even in this mental capacity. She deserves the respect of not having randoms feel bullshit -esoecially selfish bullshit - on her death. At least. Like just let the person be now -especially now. I felt this about my mother. Here was a sick person. They were not well. No matter how much you wanted or perceived them to be they weren't well. And when you carry it for so long that's a dramatic burden on your being. Let their souls fucking rest. No more analyzing

But here I am. A moral piece of shit. Making it about myself.

How can I not? My first thought is wow I can't die. Not right now. Like I struggle every single day not wanting to die because I wake up and immediately I'm like fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. For a week the first thing I ingest in my body is smoke and I can't not fucking do it. Today it took me several SEVERAL hours to get out of bed. I accomplished showering. I responded to two messages of importance. I ate only because a friend bought me dinner. I have just sat. And I'm not even anxious about the fact I'm staring at a fucking wall for several hours. I'm almost content because why am I fucking here at all. Why does this world exist? Why is my life this way-? I know it's my journey but holy fuck is this journey extremely tragic. Not even like to me like even around me the tragedy which I've heard and seen is so enormous I can't even comprehend how people are convincing themselves this is all okay?

But now to make this choice among this tragedy - the legacy I leave is mostly hurt. It would've been painful before but to knowingly do something like that after this is so vicious and terrible. I would need years away from him before I did not lay huge guilt on him. And like no one deserves such levels of grief in this world because I know this pain and it's always painful when someone does but taking your own life is serious. I've never thought it wasn't. It creates immense issues for the people alive. My dad didn't even kill himself and I deal with issues but someone who does this so randomly and selfishly - really unbearable pain. You have to really deeply consider what you're doing and your personal pain has to be so fucking large that it's worth dispersing among others permanently while you disappear. And I totally get why people do it. And maybe she didn't kill herself. Maybe she overdosed and died accidentally. But is it an accident to be a drug addict? To lie to yourself your functioning when you drown in a bathtub?

He was overwhelmed with the options he had in front of him now. He "can't even come home". He doesn't want to go through the remembrance. We briefly agreed that we still wanted to talk to eachother. He told me he loved me and thanked me for taking his call.

I had nothing for him. Perhaps it dawned on him that he just created a situation I had no part of but now was dealing with gracefully and respectfully and in consideration to his feelings. But would still create an emotional impact on someone still struggling, regardless.

Because the whole fucking thing is so complex I have no idea how to handle this. I am almost actually worried that it will be a wake up call for him and he will change in a direction I might have "wanted" previously but obv under these circumstances... I don't know. Like someone had to die for that to happen and that doesn't make me feel good.

Maybe he never comes back. Maybe this is it now and he permanently moves to be away from all the memories.

Maybe he goes back on drugs. Goes to her funeral, gets caught up, does drugs and dies too.

It's hard, you know? Life is sick. I love this person. I want to be with this person long term. We are both so traumatized and under the radar so long that our separate bitterness turned towards each other and we both brought entire semi trucks full of baggage into this. I love him though. I have never loved someone like I've loved him. I never chose him out of desperation. He truly demonstrated a real care in his messed-up ways. Not like he carved my name in his arm but like struggling under huge anxiety and depression to demonstrate love to them and that was and is really hard to do especially consistently. He tried. He took me places I've never been just to show me. The love he has had for me is not something anyone else has ever had. No one else wanted to show me the world because they wanted me to see. I know the exact moment I fell deeply in love with him and we lived sometimes I romantic dream. If you cherry pick our best moments, it's beautiful. The fact two super fucked up ppl, a former drug addict and a mentally unwell person created beautiful moments is a feat on its own. These are times where both of us had to find a reason to live to give to one another something. They are deeply empowering moments of the pureness of life on this planet and I've never connected with anyone else that way but I still had like a deep first love with my Oshawa ex. I do love him. I still do. I won't stop but I'm not in love. And I will probably overcome this and create a new never before seen world with someone else and it won't belittle the unique beauty I shared with them.

I don't want to cut ties with him. It really hurts my soul to not be in contact with him regularly. It's not an obsession or compulsion - it really hurts because I love him.

But I also can't deal with this. It hurts that I legitimately have to continue to move forward in life and it's like obvious "the best thing to do" is "keep trying" for his sake so he's not dealing with it even though I really need love and support right now.

And now it's like a huge volatile gamble. Let's state the obvious. Will he attempt a solid relationship now that he's lost her? The one other person who might have had a sliver of affection towards him this way. I can't think about that in order to really be healthy. I can't invest because I hope this changes him. It's kind of rude.

Here's the totally crazy mystical out of my mind delusional theory:

I keep thinking that like a thing happened on the island. And maybe it's like I never felt these things before because I was disconnected and once I took the step to connect in like a spiritual way that perhaps things like began to attach themselves to me and accompany me on my journey and I think that maybe they affect things in life but you have to be actively open to what they're affecting. Like I felt I needed to sit at the aboriginal day thing and hear an elder speak and it wasn't like he gave me info but he like.. He gave me something deeper. And these native things keep coming up over and over and I don't feel more attuned I feel like its presenting itself to me and I'm choosing how to act and perceive. And I don't think they're angry with me or my life. I think they're trying to help me. And I guess in this fucked up way I feel like this was slightly on them. And like I think spiritually things are ambiguous - is it evil to do this? Did I attract evil things that did an evil thing? I think it's their existence and I think they don't have total control. Like they can't magically give you a phone call with all the things you wanted because so many things have to take place in other people's lives for that to work. I don't believe if any of this is remotely a thing that they would've killed her. Like went out and targeted her specifically to benefit my life. But I think for a brief moment in time, they flew through everyone's lives and reset the story. I think they can't decide who dies. Maybe not even when. But I think they can influence the journey of someone else and without malicious intent create brief moments in time with all their might and power in all the quantum physics that may solely only benefit the life of one person. "benefit" because if it's true I think it's a stark reminder that you're not always going to get what you wish for the way you wished for it. Perhaps "the only way" this would've worked is if she died and considering her life choices it's not unlikely it would've happened anyways, they just maybe rearranged the timeline. And I guess if true it's important to acknowledge that they may have taken time from someone else to give to me because of how deeply I wanted it without concern for others. That's an important power in this spiritual world to have and no guarantee. Like they just created a scenario, they didn't create the result. Whatever an individual chooses is up to them and it's not if we didn't get together they died in vein but that instead of focusing so much on what I want I should deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeply consider how much I want it and would I want someone else to literally die for it.

Maybe it "works out" (it doesn't, she's dead). Maybe he realizes that he fucked up with her and he has a chance to redeem himself still with me. Maybe he begins to see my true struggles. Maybe he decides life is too short and unpredictable to "wait for the farm" because people will literally die before it happens. Maybe he comes home and decides finally that we can live together (not right away). That we need each other.

How can it happen wrapped in her death? Plagued by her memories. Is it real? Is it just fear?

I'm still bitter. I can't turn it off. I said nothing, really. I don't know what to say. It's better in my experience to say nothing when everything you have is shit.

I guess now it's to wish for him to come home but I should specify alive. And not on drugs. Not insane. It's sad he's alone right now. It's sad he made that choice.

He's honestly been my reason to be alive for the past two years. He made life bareable. I don't know what to do with anything without him because my will to live is gone.

I guess I'm a selfish terrible person.