#like he thinks he isn't someone worthy of love unless it's something he can quantify

[ridiasfangirlings]

Do you think that fushimi feels like he somehow isn‘t „allowed“ to love yata? i guess yata couldn‘t understand this mindset and tries his best to make fushimi feel comfortable around him after rok

I can see Fushimi feeling something of that sort – like at first when he’s in middle school I think it’s more like feeling he ‘can’t’ love Yata because anything he gets attached to gets destroyed, so he can’t hold too tightly or everything will fall apart. Then when they join Homra Fushimi pretty much can’t deal with Yata having other people he cares about, because Fushimi has no confidence in himself and basically assumes that why would Yata want to be with him when there are other people around. Plus on top of that I think Fushimi equates affection with worth, like when Yata’s looking at him and calling him amazing Fushimi hinges a lot of his self worth on that emotion. But then Fushimi’s plan fails during the jungle surprise party and he takes that hard, and on top of that he’s saved by Mikoto who Yata now thinks is the most amazing and who, as a King, is someone Fushimi can’t match. Fushimi has no confidence that Yata would like him just because Yata likes him, so the moment that someone else becomes more amazing is when for Fushimi it’s like he’s 'lost’ Yata, their relationship has changed irrevocably because Fushimi feels like Yata now has someone who’s worth more than he is and so Yata isn’t looking at Fushimi anymore the way he wants to be looked at. So Fushimi decides to break the friendship with his own hands because he can’t accept that Yata just likes him, if Yata’s not looking at him and calling him amazing then to Fushimi I think that means he could be left behind at any time, that there’s no worth to him unless he’s doing amazing things that are worthy of Yata’s praise.

Then post-ROK I think there might be a feeling like he isn’t 'allowed’ to love Yata, because at this point Fushimi’s only just starting to accept that the things he holds won’t break apart in his hands. I think he’s well aware of how shitty he’s been to Yata all this time and I could see Fushimi equating his own actions to Niki’s as well – and just as Fushimi could never forgive Niki for all the shit he did there might be a feeling like he would understand if Yata never forgave him. That Yata does seem willing to forgive him and still wants to be with him again is wholly foreign territory to Fushimi and I think he would be hesitant about it, especially if he’s accepted that the feelings he has towards Yata are more than friendship. Fushimi’s never let himself love someone before and I feel like he’d still be unable to let himself feel like Yata might return his feelings, Fushimi doesn’t have the self confidence for that. Yata doesn’t really get it but I think he’d be able to tell that Fushimi was uncomfortable and would be doing his best to try and bridge the distance between them, like especially if they’ve had a proper talk about why Fushimi left in the first place I think Yata might start to understand more why Fushimi is the way he is. And knowing that I think Yata would try to encourage Fushimi to be honest, wanting to hear Fushimi’s feelings and doing his best to make sure Fushimi knows that their friendship won’t break regardless of what happens, that Fushimi isn’t his father and that Yata still thinks he’s amazing and wants to stay by his side.

#sarumi #Talking K #Fushimi can't emotion part the nth #I don't know if it's not being 'allowed' so much as 'doesn't deserve' #like he thinks he isn't someone worthy of love unless it's something he can quantify #like doing something amazing equals praise equals affection #but if other people are better than him he doesn't deserve affection #and he can't trust that Yata would love him if he doesn't do something to 'deserve' it