#like I'm pretty sure the ocd adhd and autism are like one Whole Thing together | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jen-co · 2 years

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How did you go about getting your autism diagnosis? What were key signs that were missed when younger did you think?

I went to a new psychologist about 2 years ago after having a couple of really bad experiences with 2 other psychologists over the years. They basically made me feel untreatable because my anxiety wasn't responding to their standard therapies and one said she "didn't want to waste my money anymore". Neither of them referred me to anyone else. It confused and upset me so I just gave up on psychology for a cpuple of years.

My issues of course didn't improve and were worsening, so my GP referred me to my current psychologist. It all started out the same as before, I wasn't responding to treatment and she said we need a different direction. She asked if anyone did any assessments on me as an adult, I said no. She asked if it'd be okay to focus on that for the next few sessions because she's not sure if my OCD and GAD diagnoses I received at 10 years old were able to describe all of my symptoms.

First she did the personality inventory and that apparently came up in a bizarre way that's not usually seen. I scored high in way too many areas that couldn't possibly be used to formulate a diagnosis that made any sense. I didn't score in a way that would indicate a personality disorder, it was more in the realm of things that would suggest ADHD, schizoid and other things that didn't make much sense at the time. And of course major anxiety/OCD which was expected.

Anyway, I had crisis after crisis - with the pregnancy, and just my own persistently high distress in general. So that distracted from the assessnents for ages. But we eventually got back to them.

So I did a whole bunch of assessments on paper, an in-person IQ test and various other things. By that point, she was already pretty sure she was going to diagnose me with autism because she got to know me better, with all the struggles I was seeing her for. It wasn't a surprise that I scored high in the ASD assessments but the final diagnoses and the level of ASD she diagnosed me with was a bit of a shock.

My IQ test was overall fairly average, and oh my gosh I was so tired when I did that (but I always am) and answers to some of the questions came to me when I was driving home, haha. Although it was average, it was highly variable, so I have areas where I'm very above average and areas where I'm below average, and that supported the diagnosis as well. I have above average perceptual reasoning (visualising how pieces in a picture would fit together to make an object, copying patterns with blocks etc), working memory (like repeating strings of numbers that are spoken), and I had a stupidly low processing speed, haha.

I was diagnosed with ASD level 2 without language impairment and inattentive ADHD (and I have comorbid OCD, anxiety, PTSD).

I didn't understand much about ADHD and I have such debilitating fatigue that I didn't ever consider it, because I was pretty ignorant about it and pictured young kids who don't sit still, not really thinking that it's more about what the brain is doing.

In terms of the autism, being able to mask level 2 ASD which is a significant level of disability, has been.... hard. It may be why I have continuous fatigue/dizziness/brain fog/derealisation as well. I now realise that my worst periods of OCD/anxiety were actually in response to having autism and not being able to understand myself, my life, my body, my relationships etc, which caused extreme overwhelm and burn out.

Masking is way easier when you don't have language impairment. But I still have verbal issues that got worse over time like stuttering, saying words back to front, vocal tics etc. I would heavily edit my youtube videos because I will just forget what I'm talking about mid sentence. But there were sooo many signs that people didn't notice, since childhood. I never wanted to play with other children. I had repetitive behaviours and compulsions, I had anxiety and didn't understand what was going on even in kinder (age 3), I was bullied from prep until I left school at 12, I couldn't read an analogue clock until I was about 11 because it just looked like jumbled up shapes that I didn't understand, I didn't understand what the teacher was asking us to do and would look at what everyone else was doing to copy it. I remember being in prep (age 4), all the kids just jump up and start getting coloured pencils. It startled me, why was that happening? What's going on? The teacher must have explained what was going to happen and it went over my head... stuff like that happened a lot. I had a lot of skin picking issues and I would do this thing when I got really excited or angry, which I still do. It's in the realm of rocking bit more like jerking forward in a chair or jumping up in a standing position and it's like I don't even plan or decide I'm going to do that. I do this weird quiet thing with my throat that only intimate partners would notice, which I've done since childhood. Basically a lot of stimming but mostly in private, or in public I just rub my nail almost continuously, and my nail looks screwed haha. I have meltdowns after social events where I spiral, cry, suddenly get really obsessive over a completely unrelated topic. I hold my body in weird tense postures. I've always needed a lot of alone time. I would always get home from school and shut the curtains and close the door to be alone in the dark. Oh and I sucked my thumb until I was 11 or 12. I don't know, there are so many random things. I have... what's it called? Inappropriate affect? Like I sometimes laugh when discussing past trauma/assaults, smile when I feel terrible, etc. I tend to be very monotone but I make big effort to sound more lively but find it exhausting. People on youtube used to say I talk too slowly and don't move my teeth when I talk? I look at people's mouth to gauge emotion, I get zero information from their eyes unless they're doing something really noticeable with their eyebrows. I didn't make eye contact as a baby and pushed my mum away when she tried to hug me. I refused to eat meat because it didn't seem like food to me. I shiver if I touch fruit, wood or cardboard like a physical reaction of disgust. Wooden utensils and paper straws are a no-go for me. I'm highly sensitive to touch and normal pressure causes me pain in certain areas. Sensitive to noises, smells etc. I don't cope well with change to routine or life changes. I can't keep up with friendships. The list could go on and on and I should be asleep 😂

The most significant thing is the distress. My levels of distress are off the charts and I knew I was more anxious than a lot of people but I didn't quite realise exactly how much compared to other people. I never thought that was autism. I was told I have a bunch of common anxiety disorders so I just identified with that and believed that's all there was to it, and I must just be too dramatic because even people with run of the mill anxiety disorders don't seem this bad. I've been through things I don't talk about or have only hinted about. Yeah I showed up to work and appeared as a human being over the last 10 years but really, I was non functional and surviving with substances for the last few years.

The autism also explains why I was bullied so much and why I was vulnerable to abuse like in my ex marriage. I didn't understand what was normal in a relationship and he took advantage of that and eventually realised he could verbally abuse me and hit me with no consequences other than me crying or arguing with him. But all his bills still got paid so it didn't matter. I still questioned whether the abuse was my fault, even up until last year. That guilt was released when someone came forward to me, who was with him after me, and told me he was abusing her as well. That made me really sad, but it was also kind of... validating. I felt bad that I could have prevented it from happening to another wonan and I feel so bad for his kid. I wouldn't repeat what was said but yeah, it made me cry for his kid, that's for sure.

Woah went way off on a tangent there. I do that. My psych report says I'm tangential haha. But I linked to my tumblr so I could vent and rant soooo, here I am doing that.

I thought these questions were from my husband for a second because I sent it to him and said ask me dumb stuff to entertain me, but the questions are a) not dumb or silly, b) use names that I've never referred to anyone as to him 😂

Anyway... ummmm I'll end this rant here? lol

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